Handing Jokes

What are some Handing jokes?

Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it

Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

This girl was handing out vegan pamphlets when she said she recognized me

I said I never met herbivore

Wife: I am having an affair

Me:
*handing the menu to the waiter*
-I'll have the affair as well.

Liam Neeson was walking on a road.

He suddenly slipped and fell, twisting his knee. He looks around for some help. He sees a kid with a balloon coming towards him.

"Hey kid. Come here." He called him, asking for his help.

"Hello Liam Neeson, I see you are hurt. What happened?" He asks.

"Hurt my knee kid. Can you help me please?"

"Sure, take this." He says, handing him the balloon.

"What's this for?" Looking at him, confused.

"This is full of Heal-Liam."

One for $1, three for $4

A man is walking up to a coffee stand to get his daily cup of coffee for $1, when he notices their new special where you can buy three cups for $4.

I'd like a cup of coffee, said the man, handing in a dollar bill.

He realizes he can cheat the system by buying two more cups of coffee, and saving a dollar. I'd like two more cups, please, he said, handing in another $2.

Afterward, he asks the guy in the stand, Why are you selling three cups of coffee for $4 when you could buy three separate cups for $3?

To which the stand dude replied, you could've just bought one cup like you do every day.

A man took out a lemon in a crowd of people

and squeezed it dry. He said, 'If anyone can squeeze a drop out of this lemon, I'll give them 100 bucks.'

Many people tried and no one could get any juice out of the lemon. Finally, a man came up and squeezed out two drops of lemon juice. Handing him his $100, the first man asked in wonder, 'Who are you?'

The second man replied, 'Income tax officer.'

A lady came in for a routine physical at the doctor's office.

Here , said the nurse, handing her a urine specimen container. The bathroom is over there on your right.
The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.
A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face.
Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn't need this after all!

A policeman searched me last night...

A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.

"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed.
I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"

"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.

After flushing them, he looked at me and said, "Well, show me your pocket then."

"What for?" I asked.

He said, "The drugs."

I said, "What drugs?"

Someone was handing out certificates for a free Karate Lesson at the mall yesterday

He told me I could only Taek Won Do

In light of today's events in Toronto

A lady gets on a plane and realizes that she's been seated next to an Arab man in traditional attire. She watches him cautiously during the entire flight.

When the plane lands, he gets out before her, but leaves his briefcase under the seat in front of him. Noticing this, she grabs it and follows him, handing him the briefcase!

"You almost forgot this!", she said.

The man looks at her and says, "Thank you for this, miss. As a token of my appreciation, I have some advice for you, "Stay away from Toronto."

She replied, "Why? Is there going to be an attack there?"

"No", he said. "Their mayor's a crackhead."

The postman and kisses dilevery .

There was a postman who is always happy. in the other side there is harry who would just stares at the happy postman everyday and asks himself "What's the secret of this man".
One day Harry decided to stop the postman and ask him why he's always smiling and happy, what he did.
the postman answered:"Whenever I'm handing a mail to a women I kisses her and I get more than just a kiss sometimes."
Harry liked the idea and went to a poste office and proposed for the job then he got it . In his first delivery Harry was so excited try the kissing thing out, and as he thought, there was a hot women in front of the first door, he went directly towared her and pasted her a kiss staight in the lips, in the middle of that her husband suddenly appeared in front him and asked:"WTF ARE YOU DOING."

"I'm just delivering a 'kiss' was sent from China" Harry answered in a sporadic tone.

"Very nice, you came on time, I want to send a 'Fuck' with you to South Africa" the husband responded while draging Harry into the house.

This is also a translated joke, hope it's better than the first one

A cop stoped a guy for speeding

"license and registration," he asked. After handing them over, the cop reviews his license, looks at his face, and says, "it says here you need glasses". The guy politely protested, "officer, I have contacts". The cop shot back, "I don't care whom you know; you still have to wear your glasses".

I think my boss from flint is trying to poison me...

Handing out all these Pb and jelly sandwiches.

The Last Exam

(Sorry for terrible formatting and grammar)

A Philosophy teacher was handing out empty papers for the last exam of the year. The students had one simple task to complete,
They had to convince their teacher that the chair he had placed on the middle of the classroom didn't exist.

After 40 minutes, students returned their answer sheets. All of them had complex sentences and long paragraphs except one.
It had a single sentence.

What chair?

He was the only one to pass the exam.

The Ferguson riots were really unsettling guys.

I heard today that the only way they could disperse the crowd is by handing out job applications.

When god was handing out brains i thought he said trains...

And asked for a slow one.


-my grandma

I've recently come into some money.

It really felt awkward handing it over to the cashier.

I got pulled over for speeding today and as the officer was handing me my ticket, I sarcastically asked, "What am I supposed to do with this!?"

He chuckled, "Just hold on to it and when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."

A grasshopper walks into a bar...

He walks up to the bar, and takes a seat. He flags the bartender down and orders a beer. The bartender does a double take but complies and brings the grasshopper a beer. After handing him his beer, the bartender says "You know we have a drink named after you"?. The grasshopper looks up from his beer, shoots the bartender a quizzical look and says "You got a drink named Ted"?

The gynecologist decided she wanted to change careers.

So she applied to an auto mechanic school. After completing all the coursework, she took her final exam. After the exam, the professor was handing out the test results. When she got hers, she was thoroughly confused.

"Professor, it says here that I got 150% on my test. There must have been some kind of mistake. There wasn't any extra credit."

"No, that score is correct." said the professor, "The first 50%, that was for taking the motor apart. The second 50% was for putting it back together correctly. The extra 50% I gave because you did it all through the tailpipe."

A friend told me he was walking by a cemetery last night.

A friend told me he was walking by a cemetery last night, and claimed he witnessed the gravedigger handing over several bodies to a shady-looking man wearing a trench coat.

"Hmmm, seems unlikely," I said. "are you sure that's what you saw?"

"Absolutely," he replied. "It was a dead giveaway."

Just a cute one about trick or treating.

They come to one of those houses with no one handing out candy, just a rather large bowl with a sign saying "take a handful."

The little boy sees the bowl and rather than grabbing his own candy asks his father to do it for him. The father doe and as they are walking away he asks his son why he didn't do it himself, and the son replies

"You have bigger hands than I do!"

Leo's First Oscar

Leonardo DiCaprio in the delivery room.
Leo: "What is it doc?!"

Doctor: "It's a bo-"

Leo: "NO! NO! LIKE WE REHEARSED!"

*Doctor sighs, handing the baby boy to Leo*

Doctor: "And the "Oscar" goes to Leonardo DiCaprio for the role of Father in Conception.

My city is handing out free healthcare products to women,

Free tampons? No strings attached.

LPT: When handing money over, give the change first and then the bills

because if you are working as a cashier you're probably not smart enough to know this on your own.

A nun joke.

A young nun has a man sneak into her room and rape her. When the man leaves the young nun runs to the mother superior and tells her what happened.

"Quick, suck on this lemon" The mother superior tells her, handing her half a lemon.

"Will that stop me getting pregnant?" Says the young nun.

"No" says the mother superior "but it will wipe that smile off your face."

A wealthy gentleman began to chat with a poor woman on the streets of 17th century London

He asked how many children she had.

Six, she answered.

Here is a sixpence for them, he responded, handing her a coin.

No, sir, she said proudly, I will not sell my children.

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes a sip and then tosses the rest into the bartender's face.

"I am sorry!" He sobs."i can't help doing that. It's so embarrassing!"

The bartender feels bad for the guy and gets him to agree to see a psychiatrist. Six months later he's back.

" Are you seeing the psychiatrist?" The bartender asks, handing him the beer.

"Yes, twice a week. He's great," says the man,as he throws his beer into the bartender's face.

"Grate? You just threw another beer in my face".

"True, but now it doesn't embarrass me."

Three guys - Steve, Bill and Charlie were working on a high rise building.

Steve falls off the rise and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Bill says "Ok, I'm pretty good at handing such sensitive stuff; I'll do it."

2 hours later he comes back carrying a six pack of beer.
Charlie asks "Where did you get that Bill?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me."
"That's unbelievable. You told the lady that her husband is dead and she gave you the beer?"
Bill says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her 'You must be Steve's widow.

She said, "I'm not a widow.
and I said, "wanna bet me a six pack?

I've started handing out guns to large men at gay clubs.

Just exercising my right to arm bears.

When I was at Church on Sunday

When I was at Church on Sunday and the Bible's were being handed out, I said to the person handing them out, "Do you have any others? I read this one last week."

A guy walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and hears piano music. He looks at the piano and can't see anyone sitting there, so he walks over and discovers a foot-tall man standing on the piano bench playing the tune of Dixie-Girl. The man thought that this was strange so he goes over to the bartender and asks where the man came from.
"Here," says the bartender, handing the man a genie lamp, "rub this."
So the man rubs the lamp and out comes this genie.
"What do you wish for?" asks the genie.
"A million bucks," the man states, quite sure of himself.
"Granted." And the genie claps his hands and disappeared back into the lamp.
The man looks around, checks his wallet but can't find a million bucks anywhere. Just that moment, a million ducks fly through the bar. Astounded the man says: "Hey! I didn't ask for a million ducks!"
"Do you think that I asked for a 12 inch pianist?" replied the bartender.

Engine failure

A Boeing 747 was having trouble with the engines. The pilots called the cabin crew and asked them to prepare the cabin for an emergency landing.

After a while, the pilots call back and ask if the cabin is secure. The flight attendant replies "Yes, captain. But there are some lawyers walking around handing out business cards"

When they were handing out noses...

I thought they said "roses" so I asked for a big, red one.

What did the cashier say after handing down a wad of currency to Dracula?

"Count Dracula."

This year I decided I am going back to the real roots of Thanksgiving and celebrating it in the traditional fashion.

I will be handing out smallpox blankets to Native Americans.

My friend got one of those degrading sidewalk job's handing stuff out, dress as a pizza slice...

... he ended up topping himself.

I love going out to dinner with feminists

I always talk up gender equality before handing them the check

A blonde lady needs cash..

A blonde lady is in need of some extra cash, so she decides to do work for her neighbourhood. She approached a wealthy mans door and asked if he needed any house work done. The man replied, "Yes in fact I do, I need my porch painted," handing her a bucket of paint and a brush. He closed the door and chuckled to his wife. She asked him if the girl knew the porch went around the house. "Of course not," he replied. Five minutes later the blonde came back and handed him the paintbrush back. He handed her the money and curiously asked her how she finished so fast. She said, "Im a hard worker," and started to leave. Right before she left the driveway she called out to the man, " By the way, that's not a Porsche, that's a Ferrari!"

A guy I know got one of those degrading jobs handing out flyers dress as a pizza slice..

In the end he topped himself..

"Once upon a time in class..." As told by my father.

...an eccentric political science professor is giving a quiz to determine roughly where the class sits in terms of knowledge of the topic at hand.

"Okay, students its time to take one of my little quizzies," He says.

After handing it out, one particular female student seems somewhat distressed. So the professor asks her what the matter is.

"Well, this is too hard," She responds.

"Oh, its just one of my little quizzies," Says the professor.

The female student responds derisively: "But its too hard! If this is 'just one of your quizzies,' I'd hate to see your testes!"

During the big breakout from the high security asylum, I ran into one of the escapees.

She was handing out marzipan treats to children and telling them to give them to the wounded coming into triage in what was passing for a field hospital at the time.

I asked her how she ever ended up in a place like that. She said, Sometimes people just don't mean well, and sometimes people who mean well get tricked into doing the wrong thing.

Is that what happened to you? I asked.

Not really. She said, I got caught making calls in the movie theater. It was my third offense.

How to make Handing jokes?

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