handing Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious handing stories

What are the best Handing puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Handing? Well here is a complete list of Handing dad jokes:

Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it

Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

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Bet on a bullet (slightly NSFW)

A man walks into a gun shop.

"I want to buy a new scope and bullets for my rifle"

"sure" said the owner handing over a scope "if you look out the window, this scope is so powerful you can see into my house"

The man looks, then turns to the shopkeeper and says "sorry mate there is a man in there and a woman who i can only assume is your wife?"

"cheating, bitch!" the shopkeeper said, putting two bullets on the counter he said "Shoot that guys prick off and you can have the scope for free, shoot that bitches' head off and I'll give you free bullets for the rest of your life"

The guy looks through the scope again and says "what do I get if I only use one shot?"

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A policeman searched me last night...

A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.

"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed.
I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"

"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.

After flushing them, he looked at me and said, "Well, show me your pocket then."

"What for?" I asked.

He said, "The drugs."

I said, "What drugs?"

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A police officer searched me...

A police officer searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs. It's not my fault, I said, Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again. Do you really expect me to believe that? he laughed. I said, I'll prove it to you if you want me to! Go on then. He smiled, handing me the bag. After flushing them, he looked at me and said, Well, show me your pocket then. What for? I asked. He said, The drugs. I said, What drugs?

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Woman sends her husband to the doctor, because he has erectile problems

He comes home with a bottle of pills. Wife asks, "so, did he give you Viagra, or Cialis?"

Guy says, "Neither, he gave me really strong diet pills."

Wife says, "that's weird, why would you have to take diet pills?"

Handing her the bottle, the man says, "They're not for me. You take one at breakfast and one at bedtime."

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A policeman...

A policeman searched me in a nightclub toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.

"It's not my fault," I said, "every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" He laughed.

I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me too!"

"Go on then," he smiled, handing me the bag.

After flushing them, he looked at me and said, "well, show me your pocket then."

"What for?" I asked.

He said, "the drugs."

I said, "what drugs."

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In light of today's events in Toronto

A lady gets on a plane and realizes that she's been seated next to an Arab man in traditional attire. She watches him cautiously during the entire flight.

When the plane lands, he gets out before her, but leaves his briefcase under the seat in front of him. Noticing this, she grabs it and follows him, handing him the briefcase!

"You almost forgot this!", she said.

The man looks at her and says, "Thank you for this, miss. As a token of my appreciation, I have some advice for you, "Stay away from Toronto."

She replied, "Why? Is there going to be an attack there?"

"No", he said. "Their mayor's a crackhead."

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The postman and kisses dilevery .

There was a postman who is always happy. in the other side there is harry who would just stares at the happy postman everyday and asks himself "What's the secret of this man".
One day Harry decided to stop the postman and ask him why he's always smiling and happy, what he did.
the postman answered:"Whenever I'm handing a mail to a women I kisses her and I get more than just a kiss sometimes."
Harry liked the idea and went to a poste office and proposed for the job then he got it . In his first delivery Harry was so excited try the kissing thing out, and as he thought, there was a hot women in front of the first door, he went directly towared her and pasted her a kiss staight in the lips, in the middle of that her husband suddenly appeared in front him and asked:"WTF ARE YOU DOING."

"I'm just delivering a 'kiss' was sent from China" Harry answered in a sporadic tone.

"Very nice, you came on time, I want to send a 'Fuck' with you to South Africa" the husband responded while draging Harry into the house.

This is also a translated joke, hope it's better than the first one

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The Ferguson riots were really unsettling guys.

I heard today that the only way they could disperse the crowd is by handing out job applications.

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A grasshopper walks into a bar...

He walks up to the bar, and takes a seat. He flags the bartender down and orders a beer. The bartender does a double take but complies and brings the grasshopper a beer. After handing him his beer, the bartender says "You know we have a drink named after you"?. The grasshopper looks up from his beer, shoots the bartender a quizzical look and says "You got a drink named Ted"?

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A friend told me he was walking by a cemetery last night.

A friend told me he was walking by a cemetery last night, and claimed he witnessed the gravedigger handing over several bodies to a shady-looking man wearing a trench coat.

"Hmmm, seems unlikely," I said. "are you sure that's what you saw?"

"Absolutely," he replied. "It was a dead giveaway."

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Just a cute one about trick or treating.

They come to one of those houses with no one handing out candy, just a rather large bowl with a sign saying "take a handful."

The little boy sees the bowl and rather than grabbing his own candy asks his father to do it for him. The father doe and as they are walking away he asks his son why he didn't do it himself, and the son replies

"You have bigger hands than I do!"

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A nun joke.

A young nun has a man sneak into her room and rape her. When the man leaves the young nun runs to the mother superior and tells her what happened.

"Quick, suck on this lemon" The mother superior tells her, handing her half a lemon.

"Will that stop me getting pregnant?" Says the young nun.

"No" says the mother superior "but it will wipe that smile off your face."

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A guy walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and hears piano music. He looks at the piano and can't see anyone sitting there, so he walks over and discovers a foot-tall man standing on the piano bench playing the tune of Dixie-Girl. The man thought that this was strange so he goes over to the bartender and asks where the man came from.
"Here," says the bartender, handing the man a genie lamp, "rub this."
So the man rubs the lamp and out comes this genie.
"What do you wish for?" asks the genie.
"A million bucks," the man states, quite sure of himself.
"Granted." And the genie claps his hands and disappeared back into the lamp.
The man looks around, checks his wallet but can't find a million bucks anywhere. Just that moment, a million ducks fly through the bar. Astounded the man says: "Hey! I didn't ask for a million ducks!"
"Do you think that I asked for a 12 inch pianist?" replied the bartender.

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Engine failure

A Boeing 747 was having trouble with the engines. The pilots called the cabin crew and asked them to prepare the cabin for an emergency landing.

After a while, the pilots call back and ask if the cabin is secure. The flight attendant replies "Yes, captain. But there are some lawyers walking around handing out business cards"

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A blonde lady needs cash..

A blonde lady is in need of some extra cash, so she decides to do work for her neighbourhood. She approached a wealthy mans door and asked if he needed any house work done. The man replied, "Yes in fact I do, I need my porch painted," handing her a bucket of paint and a brush. He closed the door and chuckled to his wife. She asked him if the girl knew the porch went around the house. "Of course not," he replied. Five minutes later the blonde came back and handed him the paintbrush back. He handed her the money and curiously asked her how she finished so fast. She said, "Im a hard worker," and started to leave. Right before she left the driveway she called out to the man, " By the way, that's not a Porsche, that's a Ferrari!"

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My friend got one of those degrading sidewalk job's handing stuff out, dress as a pizza slice...

... he ended up topping himself.

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What did the cashier say after handing down a wad of currency to Dracula?

"Count Dracula."

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A guy I know got one of those degrading jobs handing out flyers dress as a pizza slice..

In the end he topped himself..

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"Once upon a time in class..." As told by my father.

...an eccentric political science professor is giving a quiz to determine roughly where the class sits in terms of knowledge of the topic at hand.

"Okay, students its time to take one of my little quizzies," He says.

After handing it out, one particular female student seems somewhat distressed. So the professor asks her what the matter is.

"Well, this is too hard," She responds.

"Oh, its just one of my little quizzies," Says the professor.

The female student responds derisively: "But its too hard! If this is 'just one of your quizzies,' I'd hate to see your testes!"

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A boy's girlfriend asks him to have sex...

Sheltered his whole life, he has no idea what sex even is, so he asks his father. "Dad," he says, "what is sex?" With a wistful look in his eye, the father realizes he needs to tell his son. "it's when a man puts his penis in a woman's vagina." Horrified, the son screams "why would anyone do that?" The father replies "because it feels great. Just make sure to use one of these" he says, handing him a condom. "What happens if don't?" the boy inquires. Bashfully, the father says "well, you do son" and walks away.

A week later the boy is about to have sex with his girlfriend, who asks "do you have a condom?" He says yes, but refuses to use it. So she yells "why the hell not?" to which he replies "I want to clone myself."

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A woman gives birth to a baby and the doctor warns her...

That before handing it to her, that the baby has no legs.

The woman replies, "that's ok, we will love him very much, legs or not, we will buy him prosthetics".

The doctor says, "that's not it, it also has no arms"

The woman replies, "it's ok, we will also buy him prosthetics".

The doctor goes on an on saying things like, but ma'am, the baby has no torso, no eyes, no neck, no torso, etc.

The woman replies, "please stop doctor and just give me my baby!"

The doctor hands the mother a 10" ear.

The woman begins to cry and yell, "my dear baby, I will love you and take care of you, don't worry I will..."

The doctor interrupts her and says "ma'am, the baby is also deaf".

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A Jew win the lottery.

A Jewish man buys a lottery ticket and wins, he begins handing out money. 100k to his mother, 50k to his sister, so on and so on... He then gives 20 million dollars to the Nazi party. His family is irate. " how could you, you kike bastard, that's just absurd." He replies, "it's the least I could do, they gave me the winning numbers". As he points to his forearm.

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So a giant anthropomorphic penis is stopped on a city street by a man handing out pamphlets...

The guy offers him one saying "You look like you'd be eligible to join Club Johnson!"

"Thanks anyway," he replies. "but I'm already a member."

*Badum-tsh*

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It runs in the family

This is the only joke my uncle ever told me:

"All the men in our family have no butt. It's like when they said they were handing out asses in Heaven, we thought they said grasses and told them, "mow mine".

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A young couple go to the movies together...

During the film the tension becomes to much to bear and they kissing. Afterwards the boy says slightly embarrassed "sorry i think this belongs to you" handing her what he thinks is chewing gum.

The girl replies "oh no that's not gum i just have "bronchitis"

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Who decided to pass at the one yard line instead of handing it off to Marshawn?

He needs to be lynched!

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A Blonde and a Red head go out for dinner

While waiting for their dinner they decide to watch the 6 o'clock news, on the news a man was threatening to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge. So the red head says to the blonde "I bet you 50$ the man doesn't jump." so the blonde says "okay ill take that bet." after a couple minutes the guy jumps, as the blonde is handing over the cash the red head says" I cant take this money I watched the 5 o'clock news so I knew he would jump." and the blonde said " so did I but I didn't think he'd jump again"

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What did one burglar say to the other while handing him a small drill machine?

Not For Safe Work

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My friend got one of those degrading job's handing out flyers, dress as a pizza slice...

ended up toppings himself.

!!Now laugh, Internet!!

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I wanna see 'em.

It's the first week of college and an eccentric political science professor is giving a quiz to determine roughly where the class sits in terms of knowledge of the topic at hand.

"Okay, students its time to take one of my little quizzies," He says.

After handing it out, one particular female student seems somewhat distressed. So the professor asks her what the matter is.

"Well, this is too hard," She responds.

"Oh, its just one of my little quizzies," Says the professor.

The female student responds derisively: "But its too hard! If this is 'just one of your quizzies,' I'd hate to see your testes!"

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Bad Day At The Office (nsfw?)

Guy comes home from work covered with crap. Wife asks him what happened. Guy says I work down in the sewer handing buckets of shit up to this nigger and some shit spills down on me when I hand him the bucket. Wife says why don't you let the nigger go down in the sewer and hand the bucket up to you. Guy Says: You think I'm gonna take shit from a nigger?

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best handing jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 32 puns about handing. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty handing gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these handing jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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