Handing Jokes

Just a cute one about trick or treating.

They come to one of those houses with no one handing out candy, just a rather large bowl with a sign saying "take a handful."
The little boy sees the bowl and rather than grabbing his own candy asks his father to do it for him. The father doe and as they are walking away he asks his son why he didn't do it himself, and the son replies
"You have bigger hands than I do!"

A grasshopper walks into a bar...

He walks up to the bar, and takes a seat. He flags the bartender down and orders a beer. The bartender does a double take but complies and brings the grasshopper a beer. After handing him his beer, the bartender says "You know we have a drink named after you"?. The grasshopper looks up from his beer, shoots the bartender a quizzical look and says "You got a drink named Ted"?

The Ferguson riots were really unsettling guys.

I heard today that the only way they could disperse the crowd is by handing out job applications.

A nun joke.

A young nun has a man sneak into her room and r**... her. When the man leaves the young nun runs to the mother superior and tells her what happened.
"Quick, s**... on this lemon" The mother superior tells her, handing her half a lemon.
"Will that stop me getting pregnant?" Says the young nun.
"No" says the mother superior "but it will wipe that smile off your face."

What did the cashier say after handing down a w**... of currency to Dracula?

"Count Dracula."

Engine failure

A Boeing 747 was having trouble with the engines. The pilots called the cabin crew and asked them to prepare the cabin for an emergency landing.
After a while, the pilots call back and ask if the cabin is secure. The flight attendant replies "Yes, captain. But there are some lawyers walking around handing out business cards"

A friend told me he was walking by a cemetery last night.

A friend told me he was walking by a cemetery last night, and claimed he witnessed the gravedigger handing over several bodies to a shady-looking man wearing a trench coat.
"Hmmm, seems unlikely," I said. "are you sure that's what you saw?"
"Absolutely," he replied. "It was a dead giveaway."

My friend got one of those degrading sidewalk job's handing stuff out, dress as a pizza slice...

... he ended up topping himself.

This year I decided I am going back to the real roots of Thanksgiving and celebrating it in the traditional fashion.

I will be handing out smallpox blankets to Native Americans.

I think my boss from flint is trying to poison me...

Handing out all these Pb and jelly sandwiches.

I've started handing out guns to large men at gay clubs.

Just exercising my right to arm bears.

LPT: When handing money over, give the change first and then the bills

because if you are working as a cashier you're probably not smart enough to know this on your own.

Someone was handing out certificates for a free Karate Lesson at the mall yesterday

He told me I could only Taek Won Do

A man took out a lemon in a crowd of people

and squeezed it dry. He said, 'If anyone can squeeze a drop out of this lemon, I'll give them 100 bucks.'
Many people tried and no one could get any juice out of the lemon. Finally, a man came up and squeezed out two drops of lemon juice. Handing him his $100, the first man asked in wonder, 'Who are you?'
The second man replied, 'Income tax officer.'

When they were handing out noses...

I thought they said "roses" so I asked for a big, red one.

This girl was handing out vegan pamphlets when she said she recognized me

I said I never met herbivore

A lady came in for a routine physical at the doctor's office.

Here , said the nurse, handing her a u**... specimen container. The bathroom is over there on your right.
The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.
A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face.
Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn't need this after all!

A wealthy gentleman began to chat with a poor woman on the streets of 17th century London

He asked how many children she had.
Six, she answered.
Here is a sixpence for them, he responded, handing her a coin.
No, sir, she said proudly, I will not sell my children.

When I was at Church on Sunday

When I was at Church on Sunday and the Bible's were being handed out, I said to the person handing them out, "Do you have any others? I read this one last week."

A cop stoped a guy for speeding

"license and registration," he asked. After handing them over, the cop reviews his license, looks at his face, and says, "it says here you need glasses". The guy politely protested, "officer, I have contacts". The cop shot back, "I don't care whom you know; you still have to wear your glasses".

I love going out to dinner with feminists

I always talk up gender equality before handing them the check

I got pulled over for speeding today and as the officer was handing me my ticket, I sarcastically asked, "What am I supposed to do with this!?"

He chuckled, "Just hold on to it and when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."

doctor: *handing me baby* Sorry your wife didn't make it.

Wife: I am having an affair

Me:
*handing the menu to the waiter*
-I'll have the affair as well.

My city is handing out free healthcare products to women,

Free tampons? No strings attached.

I've recently come into some money.

It really felt awkward handing it over to the cashier.

A stormtrooper walks into a bar and orders a martini

The bartender asks while handing the stormtrooper his drink, "Shouldn't you not be drinking on the job?"
The stormtrooper arches his eyebrow, "And hit what I'm aiming for?"

Just discovered there is an award you can give that doesn't require buying any coins!

I've been handing out orange and blue arrows ever since.

Doctor: *handing me my new born baby* I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it.

Me‌‌: *\*handin‌‌g bab‌‌y bac‌‌k t‌‌o him‌‌\** brin‌‌g m‌‌e th‌‌e on‌‌e m‌‌y wif‌‌e made.

A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.

As they are u**... for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.
"Here, try these on," he says.
"What? Why?" she says.
"Just put them on," he insists.
"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."
"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this marriage. Don't you forget it."
"Got it," she says, slipping off her p**... and handing them to him. "Here, try these on."
He holds them up and sees how tiny they are.
"Are you kidding?" he says. "I can't get into your p**...!"
"That's right. And that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes."

God was handing out talents one morning

To some, He gave the power to create life. The angels around Him were in awe as crops flourished and population soared. To others, he gave fine skills and artistry. His angelic entourage marveled at intricate needlework, tapestry, and sculpture.
God stooped down low and found a man waiting in the darkness, just before dawn. He gave him the power to sprinkle water on the grass as the sun rose. The angels were confused. "You gave amazing abilities to all others. Can this one really care for himself with such a small talent?"
God simply replied, "He will learn to make dew."

Sean Connery arrives at a grand hotel ready for filming the next day

The director meets him, and is delighted "great to see you, Sean, its an honour to have you join us for this project" he says.
"The pleasure is mine" Sean replies, "though it's been a long drive and I'm tired. Is my room ready?"
"Of course, of course, I have your key right here", he says handing over the key. "I appreciate its quite late so we'll have a bit of a later start tomorrow. Are you happy to meet us in the lobby for ten-ish?"
"Tennish?" asks Sean, "but I didn't even bring my racket!"
... An old joke in honor of the great man.

I went to a restaurant and they asked me "Do you mind waiting a bit?"

"Not at all", I replied.
"Good", they said, while handing me some menus. "Take these to Table 11."

Now that the barbers have reopened, queues are so long that the staff have started handing out burgers and sausages

10/10 - definitely the best barber queue I've been to

An elementary school teacher was handing out samples of deer jerky to anyone who wanted to try it.

It was part of the lesson about pioneer days and she hadn't yet told them what kind of meat it was.
She was giving clues to help the students. "I'm sure all of you have seen one as there are a lot of them around here". No response.
"The males often clash to prove who is toughest". Still no response.
Finally she says "You have probably heard your mother call your father this."
Suddenly one of the students hacks and then yells "Spit it out! Spit it out! It's an a**...!"

I was dancing with a woman in a bar and things were getting heated.

"Want to go back to my place?" I asked.
"Of course," she grinned.
"Nice," I replied, handing her my keys. "Just let the dog out for a s**..., please."

Double punchline Buddhist joke.

A Buddhist monk is walking through New York and sees a hot dog cart, he walks up and the vendor asks him what he wants. The monk replies:
Make me one with everything.
The vendor obliges and after handing over the hot dog tells him his total is $3.50. The monk gets out $5 and hands it over, the vendor pockets the money and motions for the next customer; the Buddhist asks why he hasn't gotten any change.
Change must come from within. Replies the vendor.
Somebody may have posted these punchlines before but I doubt ever together, besides; that was zen, this is tao.

sesame street awards

If sesame street had an awards show would they be handing out Oscars?

So I heard that they are going to stop handing out medals at the Winter Olympics..

Because they're snow winners.

Doc Brown and Marty McFly travel back in time to Northern England in 1298

They park behind the bushes near a field, just in time to see two armies about to clash.
"This is the Battle of Falkirk, Marty." says Doc, handing him a pair of binoculars.
Marty watches a man leading the charge into battle and asks, "Who's that guy in the face paint?"
With a tear in his eye, Doc replies "A Great Scot."

So Fred has accidentally cut off John's ear with his s**....

John and Fred were digging a ditch when Fred made a careless swipe with his s**... and cut off John's ear.
"Help me find it in all this mud," said John. "If we find it they can sew it back on."
After a couple of minutes, Fred triumphantly shouted, "Here it is", handing the ear to John.
"That's not it," said John, throwing the ear back in the muddy ditch. "Mine had a pencil behind it."

Mitzi told her friend that she's now working in theatre.

She said, Yes, I'm responsible for handing out the roles .
Her friend asked, Isn't that a difficult job?
Mitzi replied, No, every toilet has one.

I was being followed last night, so I drove all the way to the police station.

"Well done for handing yourself in," said the officer. "You gave us a good chase."