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Handicapped Jokes

103 handicapped jokes and hilarious handicapped puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about handicapped that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Handicapped Short Jokes

Short handicapped jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The handicapped humour may include short mentally disabled jokes also.

  1. So I broke up with my handicapped girlfriend and stole her wheelchair.. But guess who came crawling back!!?!
  2. Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot... The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.
  3. Love is like looking for a parking spot Everything good is taken and it's frowned upon to go into the handicapped ones.
  4. A conman, a mentally handicapped person, and a Russian spy walk into a bar And the bartender asks, "What will it be, Mr. President?"
  5. Jokes about the handicapped aren't funny No one knows what it's like to not walk a mile in their shoes.
  6. Why isn't there golf in the Paralympics? Because it would be really awkward asking what their handicap was.
  7. Why do University of Alabama graduates place their diplomas on their rear-view mirrors? So they can park in handicap spots.
  8. The worst part about Tiger Wood's driving is that it's probably going to add to his handicap.
  9. What do you call 3 mentally handicapped people applying for the same job? American politics
  10. Dating is a lot like parking All the good ones are taken. The rest take a bunch of effort or are handicapped.

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Handicapped One Liners

Which handicapped one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with handicapped? I can suggest the ones about wheelchair bound and handicap golf.

  1. I like my women like I like my golf scores In the mid 70's with a slight handicap
  2. Two handicapped men walk into a bar... PRAISE THE LORD!!
  3. To the handicapped guy who stole my bag You can hide but you can't run
  4. I like my women like I like my golf game Around 80 and handicapped.
  5. A frog parked his car in the handicapped spot. It got toad.
  6. Why are handicap signs blue? Because they're all crips.
    (Sorry)
  7. Women are like parking spots they are either taken or handicapped.
  8. What do you say to a handicapped dog? Down Syndrome, down!
  9. What's better than winning gold at the Paralympics? Not being handicapped
  10. I like my women like I like my golf game, mid-80s with a slight handicap.
  11. What did the mentally handicapped kid get on his math test? Drool
  12. What do you call a handicap sticker in Oklahoma? A high school diploma.
  13. Stairway to Heaven A very sad song for the handicapped.
  14. What do you call a group of handicapped potheads? The Rolling Stoners
  15. A handicapped man stole my bag... You can hide but you cant run

Mentally Handicapped Jokes

Here is a list of funny mentally handicapped jokes and even better mentally handicapped puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What do you call a mentally handicapped bakery? We tart it.
  • This one might be a little non-PC, but... What would an anti-mentally-handicapped people protester group would yell?
    "DOWN WITH TOURETTE!"
  • You can't say America isn't inclusive and progressive The Current president is a black man and latest election was between a female and a mentally handicapped person.
  • I came up with a really good mentally handicapped joke the other day. But I'd rather not say it, I don't wanna bring anyone Down.
  • What do you call group of mentally handicapped kids at a performance of "Peter Pan"? Slow Children At Play
  • What do you call a blind, mentally handicapped, quadriplegic? You can call him whatever you want; it's not like he's going to get up and do anything about it.
  • What Do You Call A Pool Full of the Mentally-Handicap? Vegetable soup.
  • What do you call a security blanket for a mentally handicapped person? A downs comforter.
  • What do you call a mentally handicapped lion? a leotard ~
  • Just went to a dance for mentally handicapped people It was basically one big slow dance.
Handicapped joke, Just went to a dance for mentally handicapped people

Uproarious Handicapped Jokes to Share with Friends

What funny jokes about handicapped you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean disability jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make handicapped pranks.

Why are women like parking spaces? Because all the best ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

s**... and parking are pretty similar

"handicapped? Hope no one sees me"

Why was the handicapped kid getting bullied?

He just couldn't stand up for himself.

Tiger Woods playing golf.

Sorry if this is a repost, but I found this one quite funny.
Tiger Woods is practicing golf one day, surrounded by fans and media. While he's practicing, an amateur
golfer confidently walks up to him and challenges him to a match. Tiger knew he'd win, so he agrees thinking that it would be a fun break from serious practice. "OK," the amateur says, "Since I'm an amateur and you're a pro, you'll have to allow me two gotchas". Tiger didn't know what a gotchas is, but he didn't ask because he thought he'd win regardless of what handicap is placed on him. The fans and media leave the two alone so they can play in peace.

A few hours later, the two come out of the golf course and it turns out that Tiger Woods lost. The fans and media surrounded him wanting to know what happened. Tiger says, "I was starting the first hole, concentrating to tee off, you know, deep in thought. Right when I was about to drive the ball, he ran up from behind, grabbed my nuts and squeezed them tight while loudly screaming 'GOTCHA!!' can you imagine me trying to play eighteen holes waiting for the next gotcha?"

Women are like bathrooms stalls....

....they're all dirty, except the handicap ones -Jim Jeffries

What do women and parking spots have in common?

All the good ones are already taken, and the available ones are either pay or handicapped.

What do you say to a handicapped dog?

"Stay"

Why was Helen Keller so good at golf?

She was a 2 handicap.

I'm starting a new charity where homosexuals help the extreme handicapped.


I'm calling it "Fruits and Vegetables"

B'dum tsss

A collection of jokes I have found over the years about drummers.
**NOTE:** Before you get offended, I AM A DRUMMER. I FIND THESE FUNNY TOO.
1. What do you call a drummer in a suit? The defendant
2. How can you tell a drummer's at the door? The knocking speeds up
3. What do you call a drummer with half a brain? Gifted
4. What does a drummer use for contraception? His personality
5. Did you hear about the drummer who finished high school? Me neither
6. What did the drummer say to the band leader? "Do you want me to play too fast or too slow?"
7. How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five: One to screw it in, four to say that Neil Peart could've done it better
8. Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car? So that they can use the handicapped parking space
9. How do you get a drummer off your porch? Give him the money for the pizza
10. What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians? A drummer
Anyone got any more?

My daughter came home from school with an assignment that asked to to finish the phrase, "I have a dream..." this is what she came up with.

I have a dream...
That one day handicap people will be able to park wherever they want to.

I have a dream...

That one day handicap people will be able to park wherever they want.

Women are like a box of chocolates

I always get stuck with the ones no one wants.
Alternatively...
Women are like parking spaces
All the good ones are taken and the rest are either handicapped or way too far out there.
And if there's a good one then somebody just pulled out.

Girls at parties are like parking spaces...

If you show up late, all the good ones are taken. So when nobody's looking, you put it in a handicapped one.

How does a necrophiliac compromise, and live a normal life?

Find a handicapped partner. At least they're dead from the waist down.

I played golf with a guy in a wheelchair today

He must not play much judging by the silence I was met with when I asked him what his handicap is.

A guy in a wheelchair sped over my foot.

"You better watch where you're going next time." I told him.
He said, "I'm handicapped, you can't do anything."
I said, "No, you're handicapped, you can't do anything."

I took my grandfather to the mall the other day

While circling the lot trying to find a place to park, he said out of nowhere "These spots are like the women my age"
I looked at him blankly.
"They're all taken or handicapped!"

Last night I ate out a handicapped girl

...my mother always told me to e**... vegetables

Finding a girlfriend when broke is like trying to find a parking spot...

the only ones left are handicapped.

Women are like parking lots...

... the handicapped ones are never taken.

A man parks in a handicapped spot

One day a man parks in a handicapped spot. An elderly woman woman drives up from behind, beeps the man and says "young man your not disabled, you should not be parking here".
The man replies "did you just assume my gender".
"Oh my mistake" says the woman

A boy just saved Donald Trump's life.

And Trump says he can have anything he wants.
The boy asks for a wheelchair ramp for his family's van, and unlimited access to handicapped parking.
Trump asks the boy if this is for his mom or his dad.
The boy says that it's for him.
"But kid, you're not in a wheelchair." says Trump.
"I will be when my dad finds out what I've done."

What has two eyes but can't see?

A visually handicapped person.

If you're ever in a hurry...

Put your fidget spinner on your dash, then just use the handicapped parking.

I parked in three different handicap parking spots last week. No ticket, and no dirty looks.

Apparently the "MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN" bumper sticker is accepted nation wide now.

I saw a man pull up.....

to a disabled park in a golf buggy. I couldn't help but wonder what his handicap was.

I've been struggling trying to date women lately...

I've been struggling to find women to date recently so I decided i'd try my luck at handicapped women, she was in a wheel chair.
I stood her up, which lead to her falling for me, and now it has become quite the drag, but things are rollin' now.

I got into a debate with a handicapped man today...

Apparently it didn't help my case when I told him he didn't have a leg to stand on...

HANDICAPPED PARKING AT HOME DEPOT

Why do we need 24 handicapped parking spaces at Home Depot? Could we just talk about this? If a guy can spackle his bathroom, lay pipe and put up gutters, don't you think you can walk the extra 30 feet to the parking lot?

A man in a wheechair is playing golf...

His caddy walks up and says "Hello sir! What is your handicap?"

I always park in handicapped spaces at the hospital

Just to test their patients

Chicks are like parking spots

The good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.

What do you call a hole that handicaps people?

Crippling depression

What do you call a four-legged, three-eyed, mute, deaf, transgender, African-American, handicapped, e**..., cancer-riddled, rich, thrice-divorced, tired, fashionable, pansexual, elderly factory worker?

I don't know.

I once called the cops on an a**... who parked in a handicap spot...

They came to check it out, found he had priors and warrants. They took him off to jail right after they figured out what to do with his wheelchair.

Did you guys know that handicapped people were mentioned in the beginning of the bible?

Cain's family was dis-Abel'd.

Dating after 30 is like trying to find a parking space...

All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped

I saw a golf buggy parked in a disabled bay today...

**I thought to myself, 'I wonder what his handicap is?'**

What do you call a group of handicapped people?

A vegetable medley.

I'm always willing to go down on a handicapped girl

Momma always taught me to e**... vegetables.

I know many handicapped people with a great sense of humour.

Shame they don't do stand-up comedy.

What's the advantage of having a blonde with you in a car?

You can park in a handicap spot.

Girls are like parking spaces - all the good ones are taken

...or handicapped.

To the handicapped man who stole my wallet

To the handicapped man who stole my wallet:
"You can hide, but you can't run."

As a handicapped person, I'll always defend my parking spot

The time I've let other people run over me is past

A man parks his car in a 'disabled parking' spot when a traffic policeman shows up.

'Well well well sir,' says the policeman while getting his coupon book 'what is your handicap that allows you to park here?'
After a brief moment of thinking the man awnsers: 'Tourette's sydrome, c**...!'

Women see s**... like buying a car

Can I see myself in this long term?
Is it safe?
Is it reliable?
Can it kill me?
Guys look at s**... like parking a car.
There's a spot.
There's another spot.
Oh I have to pay? Never-mind.
Handicapped? Hope no-one sees this!

What do handicapped people and Rick Astley have in common?

They're never gonna run around.

Two single people met up on handicap singles night after having no luck in years...

The man had a wooden peg leg, and the woman has a wooden eye. After finally getting up the courage, the woman asks the man if he would like to dance.
Would I? Would I? he yells excitedly.
In complete disgust, she yells back, Peg Leg! Peg Leg!

Last week I was invited to play in a golf tournament

At first I said, 'Naaahhh....' Then they said to me, 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids.' Then I thought......... d**... -- I could win this thing!!!

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How you doing today?" the bartender asks. "Actually, earlier today I was feeling really down. Depressed even," the guy says. "But then I parked in a handicapped stall at the grocery store and then I had a bunch of complete strangers rally around me and tell me there was nothing wrong with me."

Handicapped joke, So I broke up with my handicapped girlfriend and stole her wheelchair..

jokes about handicapped