Handicapped Jokes
97 handicapped jokes and hilarious handicapped puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about handicapped that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Handicapped Short Jokes
Short handicapped jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The handicapped humour may include short wheelchair bound jokes also.
- Love is like looking for a parking spot Everything good is taken and it's frowned upon to go into the handicapped ones.
- The worst part about Tiger Wood's driving is that it's probably going to add to his handicap.
- I parked in three different handicap parking spots last week. No ticket, and no dirty looks. Apparently the "MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN" bumper sticker is accepted nation wide now.
- If you're ever in a hurry... Put your fidget spinner on your dash, then just use the handicapped parking.
- I saw a man pull up..... to a disabled park in a golf buggy. I couldn't help but wonder what his handicap was.
- What do handicapped people and Rick Astley have in common? They're never gonna run around.
- What's the advantage of having a blonde with you in a car? You can park in a handicap spot.
- I played golf with a guy in a wheelchair today He must not play much judging by the silence I was met with when I asked him what his handicap is.
- As a handicapped person, I'll always defend my parking spot The time I've let other people run over me is past
- A man in a wheechair is playing golf... His caddy walks up and says "Hello sir! What is your handicap?"
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Handicapped One Liners
Which handicapped one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with handicapped? I can suggest the ones about handicap golf and mentally challenged.
- I like my women like I like my golf scores In the mid 70's with a slight handicap
- Two handicapped men walk into a bar... PRAISE THE LORD!!
- I like my women like I like my golf game, mid-80s with a slight handicap.
- What do you call a handicap sticker in Oklahoma? A high school diploma.
- A handicapped man stole my bag... You can hide but you cant run
- I always park in handicapped spaces at the hospital Just to test their patients
- What do you say to a handicapped dog? "Stay"
- What has two eyes but can't see? A visually handicapped person.
- I have a dream... That one day handicap people will be able to park wherever they want.
- Why was Helen Keller so good at golf? She was a 2 handicap.
- A handicapped kid wants to be an astronaut. Because he has spacial needs.
- What do Special Olympics golfers always ask each other? "What's your handicap?"
- What's a handicapped person's least favorite type of Comedy? Stand up.
- Which book does a handicap and the NRA hate the most? A Farewell to arms
- What's the most common type of handicap? Gloves.
Mentally Handicapped Jokes
Here is a list of funny mentally handicapped jokes and even better mentally handicapped puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- You can't say America isn't inclusive and progressive The Current president is a black man and latest election was between a female and a mentally handicapped person.
- I came up with a really good mentally handicapped joke the other day. But I'd rather not say it, I don't wanna bring anyone Down.
- What do you call a security blanket for a mentally handicapped person? A downs comforter.
- In what font does a mentally handicapped person write? Comic downs
Uproarious Handicapped Jokes to Share with Friends
What funny jokes about handicapped you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean differently abled jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make handicapped pranks.
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? You can park in the handicap zone.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... and parking are pretty similar
"handicapped? Hope no one sees me"
Tiger Woods playing golf.
Sorry if this is a repost, but I found this one quite funny.
Tiger Woods is practicing golf one day, surrounded by fans and media. While he's practicing, an amateur
golfer confidently walks up to him and challenges him to a match. Tiger knew he'd win, so he agrees thinking that it would be a fun break from serious practice. "OK," the amateur says, "Since I'm an amateur and you're a pro, you'll have to allow me two gotchas". Tiger didn't know what a gotchas is, but he didn't ask because he thought he'd win regardless of what handicap is placed on him. The fans and media leave the two alone so they can play in peace.
A few hours later, the two come out of the golf course and it turns out that Tiger Woods lost. The fans and media surrounded him wanting to know what happened. Tiger says, "I was starting the first hole, concentrating to tee off, you know, deep in thought. Right when I was about to drive the ball, he ran up from behind, grabbed my nuts and squeezed them tight while loudly screaming 'GOTCHA!!' can you imagine me trying to play eighteen holes waiting for the next gotcha?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do women and parking spots have in common?
All the good ones are already taken, and the available ones are either pay or handicapped.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
B'dum tsss
A collection of jokes I have found over the years about drummers.
**NOTE:** Before you get offended, I AM A DRUMMER. I FIND THESE FUNNY TOO.
1. What do you call a drummer in a suit? The defendant
2. How can you tell a drummer's at the door? The knocking speeds up
3. What do you call a drummer with half a brain? Gifted
4. What does a drummer use for contraception? His personality
5. Did you hear about the drummer who finished high school? Me neither
6. What did the drummer say to the band leader? "Do you want me to play too fast or too slow?"
7. How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five: One to screw it in, four to say that Neil Peart could've done it better
8. Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car? So that they can use the handicapped parking space
9. How do you get a drummer off your porch? Give him the money for the pizza
10. What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians? A drummer
Anyone got any more?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Golf rules are frustrating
Just got new clubs and still can't hit my handicapped brother...
My daughter came home from school with an assignment that asked to to finish the phrase, "I have a dream..." this is what she came up with.
I have a dream...
That one day handicap people will be able to park wherever they want to.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do slinkies and the handicapped have in common?
They are the most fun when pushed down a flight of stairs.
I once had this amazing handicapped friend.
He wanted to be a stand up comedian.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot...
The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What kind of laundry detergent do handicapped people use?
Downy.
I apologize for this one, it's pretty mean. I really do sympathize with handicapped people.
I took my grandfather to the mall the other day
While circling the lot trying to find a place to park, he said out of nowhere "These spots are like the women my age"
I looked at him blankly.
"They're all taken or handicapped!"
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A good metaphor for today's youth is the book Peter Pan...
Kids sneak out. Get high on dust together. Beat up handicapped man, and steal his boat.
Finding a good date is like looking for a parking spot...
all the good ones are taking and the rest are handicapped.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Last night I ate out a handicapped girl
...my mother always told me to e**... vegetables
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Finding a girlfriend when broke is like trying to find a parking spot...
the only ones left are handicapped.
What do you call it when a Greek handicap falls over?
Olympus has fallen.
I like my women like my bathrooms
Handicap accessible.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do r**... wear on their heads?
Handicaps
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dating is a lot like parking
All the good ones are taken. The rest take a bunch of effort or are handicapped.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why isn't there golf in the Paralympics?
Because it would be really awkward asking what their handicap was.
Have you heard about the handicapped football league
The offence and defence don't play
A man parks in a handicapped spot
One day a man parks in a handicapped spot. An elderly woman woman drives up from behind, beeps the man and says "young man your not disabled, you should not be parking here".
The man replies "did you just assume my gender".
"Oh my mistake" says the woman
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A conman, a mentally handicapped person, and a Russian spy walk into a bar
And the bartender asks, "What will it be, Mr. President?"
A boy just saved Donald Trump's life.
And Trump says he can have anything he wants.
The boy asks for a wheelchair ramp for his family's van, and unlimited access to handicapped parking.
Trump asks the boy if this is for his mom or his dad.
The boy says that it's for him.
"But kid, you're not in a wheelchair." says Trump.
"I will be when my dad finds out what I've done."
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
3 Vegetables walk into a bar
Just kidding handicaps can't walk
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What do you call a t**... girl and her handicapped friend?
Ratchet and clank.
This morning I passed by a car that had a handicap marker and a bumper sticker that read "JESUS IS STILL THE ANSWER".
Made me laugh anyway.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's too bad those n**... weren't all handicapped, overweight or ugly...
...because then Trump might have condemned them.
So when I decided to be a stand-up comedian , I knew I had to be offensive.
Because being a stand-up comedian is in itself a handicap joke.
I've been struggling trying to date women lately...
I've been struggling to find women to date recently so I decided i'd try my luck at handicapped women, she was in a wheel chair.
I stood her up, which lead to her falling for me, and now it has become quite the drag, but things are rollin' now.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A handicapped guy stole my camo shirt.
You can hide but you can't run!
Musk has the solution for people parking in handicapped spots
Just put their car on a Falcon Heavy.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a hole that handicaps people?
Crippling depression
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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What do you call a four-legged, three-eyed, mute, deaf, transgender, African-American, handicapped, e**..., cancer-riddled, rich, thrice-divorced, tired, fashionable, pansexual, elderly factory worker?
I don't know.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I once called the cops on an a**... who parked in a handicap spot...
They came to check it out, found he had priors and warrants. They took him off to jail right after they figured out what to do with his wheelchair.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Stairway to Heaven
A very sad song for the handicapped.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Dating after 30 is like trying to find a parking space...
All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are handicap signs blue?
Because they're all crips.
(Sorry)
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I'm always willing to go down on a handicapped girl
Momma always taught me to e**... vegetables.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the white police officer say to the black t**... gay married bisexual autistic handicapped veteran?
We won't know until the internal investigation is completed.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call an octopus with only seven tentacles?
Handicapped.
We have made great strides....
in improving the quality of life for the physically handicapped.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Handicap b**...
They really open a lot of doors for you
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A man parks his car in a 'disabled parking' spot when a traffic policeman shows up.
'Well well well sir,' says the policeman while getting his coupon book 'what is your handicap that allows you to park here?'
After a brief moment of thinking the man awnsers: 'Tourette's sydrome, c**...!'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When playing a game against a less skilled player, it's considered fair to give them a handicap.
That's why I always break my opponent's kneecaps before a game of Monopoly
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Women see s**... like buying a car
Can I see myself in this long term?
Is it safe?
Is it reliable?
Can it kill me?
Guys look at s**... like parking a car.
There's a spot.
There's another spot.
Oh I have to pay? Never-mind.
Handicapped? Hope no-one sees this!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a mentally handicapped bakery?
We tart it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Last week I was invited to play in a golf tournament
At first I said, 'Naaahhh....' Then they said to me, 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids.' Then I thought......... d**... -- I could win this thing!!!
A guy walks into a bar
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How you doing today?" the bartender asks. "Actually, earlier today I was feeling really down. Depressed even," the guy says. "But then I parked in a handicapped stall at the grocery store and then I had a bunch of complete strangers rally around me and tell me there was nothing wrong with me."
