Handful Jokes
77 handful jokes and hilarious handful puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about handful that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Handful Short Jokes
Short handful jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The handful humour may include short mouthful jokes also.
- As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said Y'know, one would have been enough.
- If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do. On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you don't. - Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made
- I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.
- I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over. You've given me one too many.
That one is a freebie. - I accidentally swallowed a handful of scrabble tiles... My next bowel movement could spell disaster.
- I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights are too heavy. I just handed in my too weak notice.
- What is something with 8 eyes, 8 leg, and 8 hands? 8 pirates
My little brother told me this joke and I am so proud of him. - It was so cold in D.C. today... that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
- If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
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Handful One Liners
Which handful one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with handful? I can suggest the ones about bunch and dozen.
- I can count on one hand how many time I have been to Chernobyl. It's 14.
- 6:30 is the best time on a clock hands down
- You know what has 8 legs 8 hands and 8 eyes? 8 Pirates
- Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands? Cause they're dead.
- "No thanks. I am a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you a baby.
- If you're single and you know it Use your hands
- I broke my finger today... But on the other hand I am completely fine.
- What has five fingers and isn't your hand? My hand.
- My friend handed me a peach. I told him I prefer pears. So he handed me another one.
- I steal candy bars using slight of hand... You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve
- A wife is like a hand grenade... Take off the ring and say good bye to your house.
- Chuck Norris threw a hand grenade and killed 50 people Then the grenade exploded.
- They say being a hostage is hard But I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
- What do you call it when the new US president waves his hand? A microwave.
- My career as a street fighter didn't last very long... I broke my hand punching a curb.
Happy Handful Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends
What funny jokes about handful you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean big hand jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make handful pranks.
How do you make a NASCAR race?
Throw a handful of skittles in the toilet and flush.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A bowl of peanuts
A boy went to visit his grandmother in the nursing home. She had a bowl of peanuts next to her night stand. As he sat down he grabbed a handful and began eating them. She began telling him about "how life was before the internets". The boy nodded and grabbed a handful of peanuts emptying the bowl. She continued about how he never comes to see him. The young man turns to his grandmother as says politely "It was nice to visit but I've got to go and thanks for the peanuts." She turns to him and says "No problem, since I lost my teeth I just s**... of the chocolate."
Just a cute one about trick or treating.
They come to one of those houses with no one handing out candy, just a rather large bowl with a sign saying "take a handful."
The little boy sees the bowl and rather than grabbing his own candy asks his father to do it for him. The father doe and as they are walking away he asks his son why he didn't do it himself, and the son replies
"You have bigger hands than I do!"
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway...
... he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " Why then don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth," she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many s**... cells do virgins have at any given time?
Ohh.. About a handful.
A bus driver sees old lady coming to talk to him...
and she has a handful of raisins.
-Would you mind to eat these raisins? I don´t like the taste of them,
The bus driver is confused but hungry and gladly accepts the offer. He starts again driving and after riding for 3 miles, the bus driver sees that the same old lady is there with a handful of raisins.
-You seemed to like the raisins. I have some more for you
The bus driver, still hungry, takes the raisins, thanks the old lady and continues driving. After 5 miles, he gets confused and starts to wonder what is going on, when the lady already third time comes to offer him the raisins.
-I have more of these raisins that you like. There you go
Now the bus driver just gets too curious and asks the lady why is she bringing him all the raisins?
-Oh you, I just wanted to be nice and offer you young worker something to eat. Besides, I only like to lick the chocolate on top of the raisins out, I otherwise hate raisins.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My dad's favorite joke.
A lady walks into a cafe and orders a burger from the cashier. She notices the cook isn't wearing a shirt and curiously watches him prepare her food. He takes a handful of ground beef and slaps it against his hairy stomach, flips it over, and does the same to the other side. Appalled, the lady looks at the cashier and says, "Eww, that's *disgusting*!" The cashier replies, "If you think that's g**..., you should see him make donuts."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Russian, an American, and a Canadian are sitting around a bonfire...
...when suddenly, the Russian throws his bottle of v**... into the fire. The American jumps up and asks, "What did you do that for?"
The Russian replies, "In Russia, we have so much v**...! We do this all the time!"
The American, wanting to one-up the Russian, grabs a handful of cash and throws it into the fire, and says, "In America, we have so much money! We do this all the time!"
The Canadian grabs a Native.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Peanuts
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway.
A little old lady tapped on his shoulder and offers a handful of raw **peanuts**, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, *"Why then don't you eat the peanuts yourself?"*
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth" she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
What do you call a handful of gravel
A palm-o-granite!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A lesbian friend of mine corrected a misconception that I had....
I had told her that I assumed the majority of l**... engaged in f**.... Turns out, it's only a handful...
You ever hear about the guy who goosed the ghost?
He got a handful of sheet.
An illusionist was employed to entertain the guests of a cruise ship.
He had a handful of good tricks he performed quite well and because there was a new audience every other week or so, he didn't have to worry about coming up with new ones. The trouble came when the Captain's talking parrot, after watching the same show time and time again, started to figure the tricks out and then proceed to ruin the shows by shouting out loud things like: - There's a mirror on the side of that box! He's hiding the card up his sleeve! and so on. The illusionist was outraged but could not do anything to the Capitan's beloved pet.One unfortunate night the ship sunk. All that was left was a lifeboat with the parrot on one end, and the illusionist, on the other end, giving the bird occasional spiteful looks. After two days of drifting, during which the parrot wouldn't take his suspecting look off the angry but exhausted man, the bird finally exclaimed: OK, OK, I GIVE UP !!! WHERE IS THE SHIP ???!!!
The kindness of strangers
An old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. The driver, being polite, accepts and munches them.
Every 5 minutes she gives him a handful more peanuts.
Driver : Why don't you eat them yourself ?
Old lady : I can't chew them. Look, I have no teeth.
Driver : Then why do you buy them ?
Old lady : Oh, I just love the chocolates around them.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My Gf asked me
How many times I j**... off I told her I only tried it a handful of times
Xerxes I is the most successful carpet dealer.
He went to the West with a million Persians and came home with only a handful of them.
Ever wonder how many puppeteers there are in the world?
Probably only a handful!
What do you call a handful of pennies?
Common cents.
What do you call a group of wankers?
A handful.
I should write small jokes on a handful of coins
I will call them "cents of humor"
What do racist cannibals like to add to their soup?
A handful of crackers.
Guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks
for a beer something to snack on. Bartender serves him + a bowl of peanuts. The guy takes a handful to his mouth and faintly hears, "hey great shoes pal". Confused, he ignores the voice. The guy grabs another handful and once again he hears faintly "you have the kindest eyes". The guy looks around, asks a few people, no one knows what he's talking about. He brushes it off, finishes his beer, and grabs one last handful of peanuts. One last time he hears "is that a new haircut? looks great" Fed up, the man pays his bill. $5 the bartender says, for the beer.
The man says, "what about the peanuts??"
Bartender says, "oh those? those peanuts are complimentary"
A guy walks into a bar...
A guy walks into a bar with a handful of fresh dog manure and says to the bartender, "Look what I almost stepped in."
(from Garrison Keillor)
I took a cab home the other night and thankfully everything ended fine!
Over the weekend, I was out drinking with some friends and we ended up finishing off the handful of beers with a couple shots before heading out. (Not a smart move, I know)
I was nervous about taking a cab home, but my friends all insisted it was in my best interest.
Sure enough, I was waved right through a police roadblock since it was a cab and ended up getting home without an accident or any troubles which was really surprising because I had never driven a cab before in my life!
Hurricane Irma was coming, and my mother was thirsty.
My mother has a glass of port wine with almost
every dinner, and insists that any guests over 21 do the same. A handful of my friends have also come to wait out the storm with us, as they had to evacuate. While at the grocery store stocking up on food, my mother insists on getting more wine for our guests. However, the grocery store was out of her favourite brand. It's okay. She said. Any Port in a storm.
Confession: I have groped women...
... a handful of times.
Old lady on the bus
There was an old lady who would ride on the bus every day. Every time she would get off the bus she would hand the bus driver a handful of almonds. The bus driver appreciated the old lady's good deeds however one day he asked her why she gave him a handful of almonds every time she got off the bus. She stated that she had no teeth therefore she could not eat them. Confused, the bus driver asks her why she had the almonds in the first place. Her response was "i like the chocolate around them"
If you drop a handful of nuts over a United States map...
they all tend to roll to San Francisco
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a handful of toilet seats?
r**... horseshoes
A tour bus driver and old people joke.
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he greatfully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'
'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'
A little old lady got on a city bus
and sat down behind the bus driver.
After a couple minutes, she asked him, "Hey, mister! Want some peanuts?", and held up a bag full.
"Sure!", he said, and popped a handful in his mouth.
After eating several more, he asked, "Hey...don't you want to have some of these?"
"Nope," the old lady replied, "Ain't got no teeth! I just likes the chocolate on the outsides!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Here's the thing about p**...
They really are a handful
I'm developing some flash cards to improve communication and understanding with my dog
Not much to speak of yet, I just have a handful of ruff sketches.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two guys are drinking in a bar and one says, "Man, I've really had it with my brother in law."
The 2nd guy asks what happened, and the 1st guy tells him, "He had to go to jail last night and he went nuts. He fought, kicked, screamed, and flung a handful of f**... on the wall." The 2nd guy says, "Man he really sounds like a piece of work." The 1st guy says, "Yeah, that's the last time we invite him over to play Monopoly."
Never Grab a Ghost From Behind
You'll get a handful of sheet
TIL the player character in The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim is American
because he claims to be of dragon-kin but can only speak a handful of words in the dragon tongue.
When it comes to massage parlors
Some customers are a handful.
I found five orphaned kittens and decided to foster them. I named them Thumb, Index, Middle, Ring, and Pinky.
They sure are a handful to raise.
I was just minding my business at lunch when a police officer came and took a handful of my Chinese food...
it was a blatant violation of my rice.
I splurged and bought a mop.
I had to, to clean up the splurge.
What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump?
There are still a handful of people who like Donald Trump.
I remember when I was a kid, I used to be able to walk into the gas station with 1 dollar and walk out with a handful of chocolate bars.
Nowadays, they have cameras everywhere
I've been busy since No Nut November ended
It's been a real handful but I get the job done.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
This joke is a handful
If a man with a prosthetic hands fingers his girl, is it still f**...? Or Injection Molding? I'll see myself out
I went to the supermarket the other day and traded 100 raisins for a handful of grapes. Can't believe the currant exchange rates
A man walks into his house...
A man walks into his house with a handful of dog turds, and he says to his wife, "Look what I almost stepped in!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How does a sailor keep his Captain happy?
With a handful of s**....
How many bones do you have in your hand?
At least a handful.
My friend told me there has only been a handful of accidents with self-driving cars.
I thought there were Waymo.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The bus journey
A man is going on a holiday. He is sitting in front of two old ladies who are talking away. He gets offered some raisins by one of them and she hands him a handful of raisins to which he eats up. 10 min later he gets offered the same again. This goes on for the next hour. He starts getting confused as to why they are doing this so he turns round and asks why you offering me so many of your raisins? They both say oh son we don't like them to which he replies why buy them then?
Simple, we both enjoy s**... the chocolate off of them
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many times does it take for someone to enjoy f**...?
A handful.
A wife and husband start talking about having kids.
Husband: Do you think your ready to have kids?
Wife: I'm not sure. They can be the greatest thing in a parent's life.
Husband: But they can be a handful.
Wife: So do you want kids?
Husband: No, not really.
Wife: I mean I think we would be awful parents anyway.
Husband: So is it decided we aren't having kids?
Wife: Yes.
Husband: Ok, kids you heard your mom it's time to leave, up!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... humor...
A visitor came to our boat and gestured to the handful of crew members holding tools and engaged in discussion.
"Oh yes," I replied, "it's a 'solution' of engineers."
The visitor then gestured to the crew on the bridge who were standing around the chart table engaged in a discussion.
"That? Well that's a 'clusterfuck' of captains."
As we were speaking the engineers walked onto the bridge and began chatting with the captains.
"Ok," the visitor replied, "so what is it when the engineers get mixed up with the captains?"
"Oh," I said, shaking my head. "That's almost always a 'fucked up solution'."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I would say I'm good at s**..., but...
I can only take a handful
My Dad tried twisting the wicks of a handful of firecrackers together and accidentally pulled them out. I told him to stop and not try to fix them, it wasn't safe.
He refused two.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Corona isn't Trump's fault. Ebola wasn't Obama's. SARS wasn't Bush's.
...and only a handful of cases of h**... was Clinton's.
A Handful of Short Math Jokes
1. How do mathematician's scold their children?
* If I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times …
2. A mathematician wanders back home at 3 A.M. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife. "You're late!" she yells. "You said you'd be home by 11:45!" "Actually," the mathematician replies, "I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12."
3. Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Three drunk men entered a taxi.
The taxi driver knew that they were drunk, and they didn't give him the destination they wanted so he decided not to drive but instead he wanted to play a trick on them by turning on the engine and staying there for a moment.
A while after doing so, the taxi driver turned the engine off and told the three drunk men they arrived.
The first man handed the driver a handful of pennies as he exited.
The second man gave the driver a $20 bill and said "Thanks".
The third man did not pay the driver, he gave him a little punch on the arm and said, "Don't speed, you almost had us killed."
Did you know that according to 911...
Choking on a handful of gummies does not constitute a "bear attack."
came pretty close to actually catching a handful of fog this morning
mist
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
my grandpa tells us about his good old days in Hong Kong
He said, "when I was your age, I can go into the groceries with 10 dollars, and come out with 2 loaves of bread, 2 dozen of eggs, 2 kilos of potatoes, maybe a few cans of soda, plus handful of candies and probably some beef jerky."
We were like, "o**...!!! That's a lot!! 10 dollars now can only get us 2 soda!! The inflation is insane!!"
And then he was like,
"Nah!! Just there are far more CCTV these days!"
