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Handful Jokes

77 handful jokes and hilarious handful puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about handful that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Handful Short Jokes

Short handful jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The handful humour may include short mouthful jokes also.

  1. As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said Y'know, one would have been enough.
  2. If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do. On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
    On the other hand, you don't.
  3. Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made
  4. It is really unfortunate that Islam, Christianity, and Judaism have been fighting each other for centuries. Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.
  5. I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.
  6. I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over. You've given me one too many.
    That one is a freebie.
  7. I went to the pet shop and asked for 12 bees The clerk counted out 13 bees and handed them over.
    You've given me one too many I said.
    That one is a freebie
  8. The nurse hands a man his newborn and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it." He responds "well give me the one my wife made."
  9. I accidentally swallowed a handful of scrabble tiles... My next bowel movement could spell disaster.
  10. I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights are too heavy. I just handed in my too weak notice.

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Handful One Liners

Which handful one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with handful? I can suggest the ones about bunch and handing.

  1. I can count on one hand how many time I have been to Chernobyl. It's 14.
  2. 6:30 is the best time on a clock hands down
  3. You know what has 8 legs 8 hands and 8 eyes? 8 Pirates
  4. Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands? Cause they're dead.
  5. "No thanks. I am a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you a baby.
  6. I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand It's seven
  7. If you're single and you know it Use your hands
  8. I broke my finger today... But on the other hand I am completely fine.
  9. What has five fingers and isn't your hand? My hand.
  10. It's so cold outside I saw a politican with his hands in his own pockets.
  11. My friend handed me a peach. I told him I prefer pears. So he handed me another one.
  12. 6.30 is the best time Hands down.
  13. A wife is like a hand grenade... remove the ring and your house is gone!
  14. I steal candy bars using slight of hand... You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve
  15. What's the worst thing to feel during a prostate exam? 2 hands on your shoulders

Handful joke, What's the worst thing to feel during a <a href="/prostate-jokes.html" title="Prostate jokes">prosta

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about handful can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of handful puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Happy Handful Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends

What funny jokes about handful you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean handed jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make handful prank.

Just a cute one about trick or treating.

They come to one of those houses with no one handing out candy, just a rather large bowl with a sign saying "take a handful."
The little boy sees the bowl and rather than grabbing his own candy asks his father to do it for him. The father doe and as they are walking away he asks his son why he didn't do it himself, and the son replies
"You have bigger hands than I do!"

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway...

... he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " Why then don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth," she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

How many s**... cells do virgins have at any given time?

Ohh.. About a handful.

My dad's favorite joke.

A lady walks into a cafe and orders a burger from the cashier. She notices the cook isn't wearing a shirt and curiously watches him prepare her food. He takes a handful of ground beef and slaps it against his hairy stomach, flips it over, and does the same to the other side. Appalled, the lady looks at the cashier and says, "Eww, that's *disgusting*!" The cashier replies, "If you think that's g**..., you should see him make donuts."

A Russian, an American, and a Canadian are sitting around a bonfire...

...when suddenly, the Russian throws his bottle of v**... into the fire. The American jumps up and asks, "What did you do that for?"
The Russian replies, "In Russia, we have so much v**...! We do this all the time!"
The American, wanting to one-up the Russian, grabs a handful of cash and throws it into the fire, and says, "In America, we have so much money! We do this all the time!"
The Canadian grabs a Native.

Peanuts

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway.
A little old lady tapped on his shoulder and offers a handful of raw **peanuts**, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, *"Why then don't you eat the peanuts yourself?"*
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth" she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

What do you call a handful of gravel

A palm-o-granite!

A lesbian friend of mine corrected a misconception that I had....

I had told her that I assumed the majority of l**... engaged in f**.... Turns out, it's only a handful...

You ever hear about the guy who goosed the ghost?

He got a handful of sheet.

The kindness of strangers

An old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. The driver, being polite, accepts and munches them.
Every 5 minutes she gives him a handful more peanuts.
Driver : Why don't you eat them yourself ?
Old lady : I can't chew them. Look, I have no teeth.
Driver : Then why do you buy them ?
Old lady : Oh, I just love the chocolates around them.

Jesus Christ walks into a motel and drops a handful of nails on the counter. He asks

Can you put me up for the night ?

A Spanish magician is at a party

He begins his trick for the birthday girl, grabbing a handful of magic sprinkle dust. He then begins to count, "uno, dos," p**....

He disappeared without a tres.

My Gf asked me

How many times I j**... off I told her I only tried it a handful of times

Grandma: "I remember the days when we could walk into a grocery store with a ten dollar bill and come out with a handful of stuff"

Me: "That's cool Grandma. But you can't do it anymore, they've got cameras everywhere"

Xerxes I is the most successful carpet dealer.

He went to the West with a million Persians and came home with only a handful of them.

Ever wonder how many puppeteers there are in the world?

Probably only a handful!

What do you call a handful of pennies?

Common cents.

What do you call a group of wankers?

A handful.

I should write small jokes on a handful of coins

I will call them "cents of humor"

What do racist cannibals like to add to their soup?

A handful of crackers.

A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar with a handful of fresh dog manure and says to the bartender, "Look what I almost stepped in."
(from Garrison Keillor)

I took a cab home the other night and thankfully everything ended fine!

Over the weekend, I was out drinking with some friends and we ended up finishing off the handful of beers with a couple shots before heading out. (Not a smart move, I know)
I was nervous about taking a cab home, but my friends all insisted it was in my best interest.
Sure enough, I was waved right through a police roadblock since it was a cab and ended up getting home without an accident or any troubles which was really surprising because I had never driven a cab before in my life!

Hurricane Irma was coming, and my mother was thirsty.

My mother has a glass of port wine with almost
every dinner, and insists that any guests over 21 do the same. A handful of my friends have also come to wait out the storm with us, as they had to evacuate. While at the grocery store stocking up on food, my mother insists on getting more wine for our guests. However, the grocery store was out of her favourite brand. It's okay. She said. Any Port in a storm.

Confession: I have groped women...

... a handful of times.

What do you call a handful of toilet seats?

r**... horseshoes

IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad has died at 91. His f**... procession will be a winding path that takes about 2 hours with a pause in the middle for refreshments.

We also seem to have an extra casket handle and a handful of screws.

Jesus walks into an inn...

He places a handful of nails on the counter and asks to be put up for the night.

A little old lady got on a city bus

and sat down behind the bus driver.
After a couple minutes, she asked him, "Hey, mister! Want some peanuts?", and held up a bag full.
"Sure!", he said, and popped a handful in his mouth.
After eating several more, he asked, "Hey...don't you want to have some of these?"
"Nope," the old lady replied, "Ain't got no teeth! I just likes the chocolate on the outsides!"

Here's the thing about p**...

They really are a handful

I'm developing some flash cards to improve communication and understanding with my dog

Not much to speak of yet, I just have a handful of ruff sketches.

Two guys are drinking in a bar and one says, "Man, I've really had it with my brother in law."

The 2nd guy asks what happened, and the 1st guy tells him, "He had to go to jail last night and he went nuts. He fought, kicked, screamed, and flung a handful of f**... on the wall." The 2nd guy says, "Man he really sounds like a piece of work." The 1st guy says, "Yeah, that's the last time we invite him over to play Monopoly."

Never Grab a Ghost From Behind

You'll get a handful of sheet

TIL the player character in The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim is American

because he claims to be of dragon-kin but can only speak a handful of words in the dragon tongue.

When it comes to massage parlors

Some customers are a handful.

I found five orphaned kittens and decided to foster them. I named them Thumb, Index, Middle, Ring, and Pinky.

They sure are a handful to raise.

I was just minding my business at lunch when a police officer came and took a handful of my Chinese food...

it was a blatant violation of my rice.

I splurged and bought a mop.

I had to, to clean up the splurge.



Credit to @ActualLiam on Twitter. Only a handful of followers but he's consistently great.

how many bones are in your hand?

A handful

What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump?

There are still a handful of people who like Donald Trump.

I remember when I was a kid, I used to be able to walk into the gas station with 1 dollar and walk out with a handful of chocolate bars.

Nowadays, they have cameras everywhere

I've been busy since No Nut November ended

It's been a real handful but I get the job done.

This joke is a handful

If a man with a prosthetic hands fingers his girl, is it still f**...? Or Injection Molding? I'll see myself out

I went to the supermarket the other day and traded 100 raisins for a handful of grapes. Can't believe the currant exchange rates

A man walks into his house...

A man walks into his house with a handful of dog turds, and he says to his wife, "Look what I almost stepped in!"

How does a sailor keep his Captain happy?

With a handful of s**....

How many bones do you have in your hand?

At least a handful.

My friend told me there has only been a handful of accidents with self-driving cars.

I thought there were Waymo.

How many times does it take for someone to enjoy f**...?

A handful.

A wife and husband start talking about having kids.

Husband: Do you think your ready to have kids?
Wife: I'm not sure. They can be the greatest thing in a parent's life.
Husband: But they can be a handful.
Wife: So do you want kids?
Husband: No, not really.
Wife: I mean I think we would be awful parents anyway.
Husband: So is it decided we aren't having kids?
Wife: Yes.
Husband: Ok, kids you heard your mom it's time to leave, up!

Corona isn't Trump's fault, Ebola wasn't Obama's, Sars wasn't Bush's

And only a handful of h**... cases was Clinton's

I would say I'm good at s**..., but...

I can only take a handful

Jesus walks into a hotel

He sets a handful of nails on the counter and says he'd like to be put up for the night.

My Dad tried twisting the wicks of a handful of firecrackers together and accidentally pulled them out. I told him to stop and not try to fix them, it wasn't safe.

He refused two.

A scientist went to God and said triumphantly, We've worked out how to make a man without you. God laughed and said, Okay then, show me. Go ahead.

So the scientist bent down and picked up a handful of dirt but God stopped him.
Oh no you don't. said God. Get your own dirt.

Corona isn't Trump's fault. Ebola wasn't Obama's. SARS wasn't Bush's.

...and only a handful of cases of h**... was Clinton's.

A Handful of Short Math Jokes

1. How do mathematician's scold their children?
* If I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times …
2. A mathematician wanders back home at 3 A.M. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife. "You're late!" she yells. "You said you'd be home by 11:45!" "Actually," the mathematician replies, "I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12."
3. Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

A nice old lady gives a bus driver some nuts…

A nice old lady on a bus offers the bus driver some peanuts, the driver happily eats them.
Every five minutes the old lady hands the driver a handful of nuts, eventually he asks:
Why don't you eat them yourself?
To which the old lady replies
I don't have any teeth, look
So the driver looking confused then asks
So why do you buy them then?
The old lady gives a nice smile and responds
I just enjoy the chocolate coating around them

Three drunk men entered a taxi.

The taxi driver knew that they were drunk, and they didn't give him the destination they wanted so he decided not to drive but instead he wanted to play a trick on them by turning on the engine and staying there for a moment.
A while after doing so, the taxi driver turned the engine off and told the three drunk men they arrived.
The first man handed the driver a handful of pennies as he exited.
The second man gave the driver a $20 bill and said "Thanks".
The third man did not pay the driver, he gave him a little punch on the arm and said, "Don't speed, you almost had us killed."

Did you know that according to 911...

Choking on a handful of gummies does not constitute a "bear attack."

came pretty close to actually catching a handful of fog this morning

mist

my grandpa tells us about his good old days in Hong Kong

He said, "when I was your age, I can go into the groceries with 10 dollars, and come out with 2 loaves of bread, 2 dozen of eggs, 2 kilos of potatoes, maybe a few cans of soda, plus handful of candies and probably some beef jerky."
We were like, "o**...!!! That's a lot!! 10 dollars now can only get us 2 soda!! The inflation is insane!!"
And then he was like,
"Nah!! Just there are far more CCTV these days!"

Handful joke, my grandpa tells us about his good old days in Hong Kong

jokes about handful

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these handful jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.