Hand Nails Jokes
42 hand nails jokes and hilarious hand nails puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about hand nails that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Hand Nails Short Jokes
Short hand nails jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hand nails humour may include short fingernails jokes also.
- Jesus walks into a hotel... He hands the attendant 3 nails and says "Can you put me up for the night?"
- So it's the first day of shop class... The teacher asks, "What's the difference between a nail, a screw, and a bolt?" A girl raises her hand and says, "I don't know. I've never been bolted before."
- Since we're doing old jokes: How do you stop a baby from spinning around in circles? Nail it's other hand to the floor.
- How do you get a baby to crawl in a circle? Nail one of its hands to the floor
^i ^went ^too ^far - Jesus walks into a hotel He hands the inn keeper 3 nails and asks, "Could you put me up for the night?"
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Hand Nails One Liners
Which hand nails one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hand nails? I can suggest the ones about bad nail and toenails.
- I'm worried about my finger nails lately. They are really getting out of hand.
- What did Jesus say when they took the nails out of his hands? THE FEET!!! THE FEET!!!
- I just had to clip my nails... They were getting out of hand.
- Why are Jesus' hands nailed to the cross? So he stays at 12 o'clock.
- What do a Boston Marathon runner and Jesus have in common? Nails in their hands and feet
- Why were Jesus' hands nailed to the cross? *Because both of his arms were broken.*
- In shop class... student: where do you keep your nails?
teacher: on my hands, where else? - How do you get a baby to stop crawling in circles? Nail its other hand down.
- I'm going to have to clip my finger nails soon... There getting out of hand
- Howdo you stop a baby from running in circles? Nail its other hand to the floor.
- Created a new s**... position. "Nailed like Jesus" Two hand jobs and a foot job.
Hand Nails Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about hand nails you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean nail biting jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hand nails pranks.
Goldberg opens a hardware store.
To advertise, he rents a billboard, puts up a picture of Jesus nailed to the cross, with the caption: They used Goldberg's nails.
His son, upon seeing this, exclaims to his father, You can't use that! It will cause antisemitism!"
So Goldberg exchanges it for a picture of Jesus's body laying on the ground, hands bloodied, with the caption: They didn't use Goldberg's nails.
An old actor has trouble getting work due to failing memory...
After contacting many people that he worked with in the past , he is finally able to land a job in a popular new Broadway play. The director tells him its only one line at the beginning of the play, but it is a very important line. It sets the mood for the rest of the play. It is ESSENTIAL he nails the line. The old actor emphasizes that he will nail it. The director reluctantly agrees and proceeds to tell him his role. You will take a beautiful rose, bring it to your nose and take a deep breath and say the following line: *Ah, the sweet scent of my mistress…* That's it. Do not screw this up! The old actor thanks him 10 times over and proceeds to practice for the next 2 weeks nonstop.
Opening night comes. It's a sold out theater. He takes to the stage, spotlight on him. He raises his hand, takes a deep breath and says the line perfectly * Ah, the sweet scent of my mistress… * Just after the line is delivered the auditorium burst into laughter. He walks off the stage distraught. I don't get it. I nailed the line perfectly. What happened? The director looks at him and yells YOU IDIOT! YOU FORGOT THE FLOWER!
Dead Baby Jokes Thread!
I assume there's another one of these, but let's bring some freshness. I'll start us off.
Q: How do you get a baby to stop crawling in circles?
A: Nail its other hand to the floor.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There once was an old cathedral in rural England...
There once was an old cathedral in rural England. It was near a small village and most of the people that lived there attended church every week. This was a sad time for the people of this village, as the much beloved bell ringer for the church had fallen ill and died.
The head minister of this cathedral had taken the death quite hardly, as he had been good friends with the man. Reluctantly, he put up a notice in the village square that they would be needing a replacement bell ringer. He knew that a man for the job was needed before the f**... of the old ringer.
Now, the day after notice was posted, the minister was in his study reading when a young man no older than 20 walked in. The minister looked up and asked, "What can I do for you, young man?"
The man, visibly eager to speak, replied, "I'm here about the posting you've made. I want to be the next bell ringer." There was an enthusiasm on this man's face that caught the minister's attention.
The minister, somewhat recognizing this enthusiasm, inquired, "Well that may be something we could discuss. But first, I must know, have I seen you here at the church or around town? You seem rather familiar."
"No, sir, I don't believe we've met before," the man replied.
"Ah, well then, it's very nice to make your acquaintance," said the minister. He reached out to shake the young man's hand, when he noticed something very out of the ordinary. The man had no arms! The minister pulled back his hand and apologized for the gesture.
"It's no problem, sir, I've been without them for my whole life, I'm quite used to that." The man redirected the conversation back to the job. "Now, I'd really like to talk about becoming the next bell ringer!"
The minister, slightly taken aback, wondered whether the armless man was serious. "My dear boy, surely you must be joking. You've got no arms! I mean no offense, but there is no way you could pull those heavy ropes to ring the bells."
The young man still had an eagerness about him, insisting that the minister give him a shot. "I can do it, let me show you! Please sir, I know I can do it. Come with me up the bell tower and I'll show you!"
At this point, the minister was wondering whether the man had some sort of brain damage as well. There was absolutely no way a man with no arms could ring those bells. But, being the generous man that he was, the minister decided to at least humor the man and go up into the bell tower with him.
Once they reached the top of the tower where the bells were held, the minister asked how the young man was going to ring them. "Like this," he simply replied with an odd smile on his face. The man took some step back towards one open arches that made up the bell tower, disregarding the ropes that hung next to him. He began walking slowly, then burst into a sprint, jumped, and smacked his forehead on the edge of the bell.
BWOOOOOOOOONNNG
The minister couldn't believe it. This armless man had just mad the most beautiful sound he'd ever heard come out of that bell. Astounded, he turned to the man and exclaimed, "Dear boy, did you really just do that?"
Unfazed, the young man responded excitedly, "Yes sir! Would you like me to do it again?" Without waiting for an answer, the man once again stepped back to the arch, took a running start, jumped, and smacked his forehead against the bell.
BWOOOOOOOOONNNG
Now, the minister was truly speechless. Although his previous thoughts about brain damage were almost certainly proven, he simply could not believe how beautiful the sound was that the bell made. He looked at the man, seeing no sign of harm to his head, but only a smile that showed how confident he was. The minister then made the final decision to make this young man the next bell ringer.
A few days had passed, and it was time for the f**... for the former ringer. Nearly the entire village showed up to mourn his passing. As the f**... dragged on as only funerals can, the newly appointed ringer made his way up the tower to give the bells a good BWONG-ing after the final eulogy had ended. This was his biggest break, his chance to show the entire village that he could be a great ringer. The excitement from that first day had swelled up until this point.
He listed for the sound of the last "Amen" from the congregation. It was his time now. The armless man closed his eyes to take it all in. After a deep sigh, he took some steps back, broke into a run, jumped, and smacked his forehead on the edge of the bell. Then, to his surprise, he tripped on a large old nail as he landed, stumbled toward one of the arches, and, unable to balance himself, fell out of the tower to his death.
BWOOOOOOOOONNNG ... ... ... SPLAT!
The f**...-goers heard this strange sound and all rushed outside to see what was the matter. To their surprise, they found the newly appointed ringer dead on the ground. The crowd began talking among themselves, wondering who knew this man and whether any of his family was present. One man thought he had recognized the deceased man earlier with a family, but couldn't quite put his finger on it whether it was him or not. Everyone could agree that this man looked familiar.
As the minister finally reached the body through the crowd, he knelt down and wept beside him. A woman in the crowd asked, "Father, did you know who this man was?"
"No," he solemnly answered, "but his face sure rang a bell."
A duck walks into a bar.
the bartender says, "what can I get you duck?"
the duck says, "you got any grapes?"
the bartender replies, "no this is a bar, we don't have any grapes."
the duck leaves and then comes back the next day.
the bartender sees the duck and he says, "allright duck, what'll you have?"
the duck says, "you got any grapes?"
The bartender says, "ok duck let's get something straight. we didn't have any grapes yesterday, we don't have any today and we're not gonna
have any grapes tomorrow. if you come in here one more time asking for grapes, I'm going to take your bill and nail it to the bar."
The duck says, "whoa, take it easy!" The duck gets up and leaves.
The next day, the 3rd day in a row, the duck walks into the bar. The bartender sees the duck, rests his hands on bar, leans forward, and says, "ok duck, what'll you have?"
The duck says, "you got any nails?"
Bartender says, "nope."
Duck says, "you got any grapes?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Getting Lost in the Woods...
So a young reporter went to a village deep in the woods of Estonia, where she approached the mayor, asking for an interesting story for her newspaper.
The mayor smiled, and said "Last month, this s**... young lady from the village got lost. So I gathered all the men together, and we search through the night and found her, then we took turns nailing her!"
The reporter, stunned, says "I can't use that story...is there anything else that happened, maybe less dirty?"
The mayor leaned back and said..."Well in all the excitement, the girls Mother- she's old but ok looking, went missing. So I got about half of the men from the village... and we found her, then took turns nailing her."
The reporter threw up her hands in frustration. "Mr. Mayor, I can't use those stories...how about you...has anything interesting happened to you lately?"
The mayor grew silent and then said, after a sigh he said: "I got lost last week...but we won't talk about that!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Smiting
A construction worker was hammering in a nail, and hit his hand as a priest walks by. "g**..., I missed," he says. The priest tells him to not take the Lords name in vain.
The next day he walks by the same construction worker again, and this time the construction worker hits his other hand. "g**..., I missed," he says once again. The priest tells him he has one more strike before God punishes him.
The third day, the construction worker hits his beer, resting next to him. As the bottle breaks, he says "g**... I missed." The priest is walking by as a lightning bolt hits the priest, disintegrating him. A voice booms from the heavens, "g**... I MISSED."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why was Jesus Christ a lousy hockey player?
He was always getting nailed to the boards.
Why couldn't Jesus eat M&M's?
His hands are full of holes!
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jeus?
It only takes one nail to hang up a picture of Jesus.
One day Jesus was strolling around...
...when he comes across a sad old man, searching something desperately.
"What are you searching for old man?" He asks.
"My son." responds the old man.
Jesus tells the man that he will aid him in finding his son. But wanta more information: "Do you have any information about him? Anything specific, like, what does he look like?"
"Well," the old man says "he had nails in his hands and legs..."
Jesus is shocked.
"D...Dad?" He asks, his voice trembling.
The old man approaches Jesus, places his hands onto Jesus' cheeks. He asks:
"Pinnocio??"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why was Jesus against homosexuality?
His only experience getting nailed by other dudes was through his hands and feet.
A Blacksmith in Ancient Palestine asks his Apprentice, "where are the nails?"
Once in Ancient Palestine a Blacksmith walks into his shop one morning to find his apprentice sharpening blades and kindling the forge. As the Blacksmith searched the shelves he couldn't find the nails. He asked his apprentice, "I've been searching for them all morning. Where are the nails?"
The Apprentice looked up solemnly and replied, "They're in God's hands now."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just accidentally shot my wife in the hand with a nail gun...
Well, that's what she gets for covering her eyes.
Jesus saw a crying old man while walking in a desert.
He came closer and asked what problem is.
Old man: I'm looking for my son, but I'm gonna lose my hope.
Jesus pitied the man and said, let's look for your son together.
After some time, Jesus asked him that if he has some birthmark or else to recognize him more easily.
Yes, said the old man. He had nails driven on his hands and feet.
Jesus started and hugged the man, saying FATHER!
The old man screamed happily, PINOCCHIO!
Jesus is walking through the desert when he comes across and old man crying to himself.
"Why do you cry for Old Man?" Jesus asked.
"I've been searching for my son forever and I'm about to give up hope."
"Well I've been wandering the desert in search of my father for many years, perhaps I've seen your son in my travels. Can you describe him?" Jesus explained.
"He's got nail marks in his hands and feet..."
With that Jesus threw open his arms and embraced the old man. "Father!" he exclaimed.
"Pinocchio!" the old man cried.
Jesus's favorite gun
My uncle is a member of the NRA. He came over for the Christmas dinner wearing a shirt with Jesus on it. I noticed his shirt and complimented it.
He then took his jacket off and showed me the back. On it, Jesus was holding a PK in one hand and an AK-47 on the other. Above it was text that reads "What would Jesus shoot?" That question was a no brainer. I answered "a nail gun."
I don't know why he got mad. Jesus was a carpenter.