Hand Jokes

172 hand jokes and hilarious hand puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about hand that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Tired of the same old jokes? Spice up the conversation with hilarious hand jokes! From jokes about missing hands and gloves to jokes about thumbs and other small hands, there's something for everyone. Read our article for a laugh and explore these comedic takes on one of the most important parts of our body.

Quick Jump To

Funniest Hand Short Jokes

Short hand jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hand humour may include short thumb jokes also.

  1. As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said Y'know, one would have been enough.
  2. If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do. On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
    On the other hand, you don't.
  3. Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made
  4. It is really unfortunate that Islam, Christianity, and Judaism have been fighting each other for centuries. Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.
  5. I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.
  6. I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over. You've given me one too many.
    That one is a freebie.
  7. I went to the pet shop and asked for 12 bees The clerk counted out 13 bees and handed them over.
    You've given me one too many I said.
    That one is a freebie
  8. The nurse hands a man his newborn and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it." He responds "well give me the one my wife made."
  9. I accidentally swallowed a handful of scrabble tiles... My next bowel movement could spell disaster.
  10. I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights are too heavy. I just handed in my too weak notice.

Share These Hand Jokes With Friends

Hand One Liners

Which hand one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hand? I can suggest the ones about gesture and arms.

  1. I can count on one hand how many time I have been to Chernobyl. It's 14.
  2. 6:30 is the best time on a clock hands down
  3. You know what has 8 legs 8 hands and 8 eyes? 8 Pirates
  4. Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands? Cause they're dead.
  5. "No thanks. I am a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you a baby.
  6. I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand It's seven
  7. If you're single and you know it Use your hands
  8. I broke my finger today... But on the other hand I am completely fine.
  9. What has five fingers and isn't your hand? My hand.
  10. It's so cold outside I saw a politican with his hands in his own pockets.
  11. My friend handed me a peach. I told him I prefer pears. So he handed me another one.
  12. 6.30 is the best time Hands down.
  13. A wife is like a hand grenade... remove the ring and your house is gone!
  14. I steal candy bars using slight of hand... You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve
  15. What's the worst thing to feel during a prostate exam? 2 hands on your shoulders

Right Hand Jokes

Here is a list of funny right hand jokes and even better right hand puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • When I meet a girl for the first time I shake hands with my left. I don't want to intimidate her with the competition right away
  • "Hand me downs" Apparently not the right way to ask the wife to hand me our disabled baby.
  • I lost three fingers on my right hand, so I asked my doctor if I would still be able to write with it. He said: Maybe, but I wouldn't count
    on it.
  • I quit my job as a postman the first day right after they handed me my first letter to deliver. I looked at it and thought, This isn't for me.
  • Can secretaries really write memos with both their left and right hands at the same time? Or is that just stereotyping.
  • I'm have mixed feelings about abortion. On one hand, I love killing babies, on the other I hate giving women rights.
  • When I lost the fingers on my right hand in a freak accident, I asked the doctor if I would still be able to write with it. He said, Probably, but I wouldn't count on it.
  • I find abortion to be a difficult topic. On one hand, i am for killing babies. But on the other hand, i don't want to give woman any more rights.
  • I lost three fingers on my right hand, so l asked my doctor if I would still be able to write with it The doctor said, "Maybe, but I wouldn't count on it."
  • I went to the prosthetic limb store to buy some new hands "Two of each hand please." I say to the man at the counter.
    "We're all out of left hands sir." He responds.
    "All right then."

Raise Your Hand Jokes

Here is a list of funny raise your hand jokes and even better raise your hand puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My dad would swear and then say, "Excuse my French" One day the teacher asked if anyone could speak a foreign language and I raised my hand.
  • Why did the French give the statue of liberty to America? They had no use for a statue with only one hand raised
  • I walked into my boss's office and handed him a pear... "What's this for? he asked.
    I replied, "A raise. My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you."
  • A teacher asks her students to use the word dandelion on a sentence A boy raises his hand and says, the cheetah is faster dandelion.
  • My mate's gambling is getting out of hand. He's just bet his newborn son in our game of poker.
    I thought, "I might have to raise him."
  • Everyone who believes in Psychokinesis... raise my hand
  • A boy is sitting in class learning about logarithms The teacher asks the class, "how do we change bases?"
    The boy excitedly raises his hand and says, "ask her nicely"
  • A man enters a party and says "Is anybody here named Jeff?" Jeff raised his hand and said "Yes."
    Geoff raised his hand and said "Yeos."
  • Anyone who believes in telekinesis... ...raise my hand
  • Who here believes in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
Hand joke, Who here believes in psycho-kinesis?

Left Hand Jokes

Here is a list of funny left hand jokes and even better left hand puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.
  • Did you know that Jim Carrey lost the use of his left hand for a month in 1997? He was all righty then.
  • Don't date a left handed girl... righty tighty
    lefty loosey
  • I got a new pair of gloves today but they're both 'lefts' Which, on the one hand, is great
  • Being left handed is unacceptable... It's just not right .
  • My girlfriend broke up with me so I started dating her twin sister I'm not left handed but i'll have to make do until the doctor removes the cast
  • I never date left handed women Righty Tighty
    Lefty Loosey
  • How many bassists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. Just have the keybord player do it with their left hand.
  • Last month, I had my left hand and left leg amputated because of an accident… but I'm now recovering, I'm all right now.
  • If you have a green ball in your right hand, and a green ball in your left Then you have Kermit the Frog's undivided attention

Big Hand Jokes

Here is a list of funny big hand jokes and even better big hand puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I just quit my job at the gym because I wasn't big or strong enough I've handed in my too weak notice
  • When is bedtime at Michael Jackson's house? When the big hand touches the little hand.
  • I sure hope Roy Moore wins today Alabama needs a congressman who isn't afraid to get his hands on the issues before they get too big.
  • Classic. Q: If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?
    A: Big hands.
  • My sons joke - if you've a cricket ball in one hand, and a cricket ball in the other hand. What have you got? A big cricket.
  • I said "My, what big eyes you have!" Followed by "My, what big hands you have!"
    And then "My what big teeth you have!"
    My charity gig for children with disabilities did not start out well.
  • I shot a bullet into the air and it hit my hand. On one hand I'm really happy that it didn't hit my head and kill me, but on the other hand I have a big gaping hole now.
  • I made a clock. The big hand is a butcher's knife, the small hand is a paring knife, and the clock face is a sharpening stone. There's never a dull moment.
  • You know what they say. Big hands, big feet... Two outta three ain't bad!
  • A psychic goes into a store. The shop employee hands her a sweater in size large, and she says it's too big. The employee asks how she knows without trying it on. The psychic replies, I'm a medium.

One Hand Jokes

Here is a list of funny one hand jokes and even better one hand puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A doctor hands a man his newborn baby and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it." The man hands the baby back and responds, "Well, bring me the one my wife made."
  • I bought a chessboard cake from the bakers last week. Took one bite, looked up, and said "it's stale mate".
    He seemed surprised, said "no, mate".
    So I handed him the cake and said "check mate".
  • birthday card As i handed my mom her 50th birthday card today she said " One would've done"
  • What are the pros and cons of wearing two watches? On one hand, you have a watch...
    But on the other hand, you have a watch.
  • I broke one of my fingers at work today. On the other hand, everything is OK.
  • Getting married is great. But, before you do it, there are some things you have to consider. On one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
    On the other hand, you don't.
  • If you have have a small green ball in one hand and another small green ball in the other, what do you have? Kermit the Frog's full attention.
  • The doctor handed me a baby... The doctor said: "This is your son. I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it."
    I handed him the baby back. "Well, give me the one she made, then!"
  • Why did Helen Keller mastutbate with one hand? So she could moan with the other.
  • A doctor hands a new father his newborn baby and says, "I'm sorry, your wife didn't make it..." The father says, "then hand me the one that my wife made!"
Hand joke, A doctor hands a new father his newborn baby and says, "I'm sorry, your wife didn't make it..."

Great Hand Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends

What funny jokes about hand you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean finger jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hand pranks.


A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:
"Cheeseburgers: $5
Fries: $3
h**...: $10."
He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the h**...?"
"Yes, I am," she replies seductively.
"Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

My wife texted "I'm leaving you"

And followed with "after lunch to go shopping with my sister."
I asked why in the world she sent the message that way. "I just wanted you to realize how good you have it with me."
I texted her back "Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a h**..."
A minute later I finished the message "-searching and resume building."

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a crowded local bar, holding a p**... in his hand and yelling, I have a 45 caliber p**... here with seven rounds in the barrel plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife.
A voice from the other end of the bar called out, You'll need more ammo

If I was addicted to m**... and then I got addicted to s**......

Would it be safe to assume my addiction got out of hand?

If Al Gore tried his hand as a musician, his album would be called...

Girlfriend thought of this while doing dishes earlier.... I could hear her laughing to herself in the other room for almost 10 minutes.

So the painters finish painting my home...

and they hand me the bill. I notice that by the paint it says $0. I say, "you guys did such a good job, why aren't you charging me for the paint?" The head painter looks at me and says, "don't worry about the paint, it's on the house."

You've got to hand it to midgets

Because they cant reach it themselves

My wife wasn't happy.

True story: I was at the store with my son and my wife. I have a habit of flipping my wedding ring in the air like a coin and catching it. My son saw me do it and tried to grab it in mid air, causing it to fall to the ground. He scrambled to get it and I said, "Son, hand me that! It's expensive!"
My son asked me, "how much did it cost, dad?"
I replied, "my life."

A wife sits with her husband, who is on his deathbed...

The husband says, "Darling, I think it's time... I have one last wish before I pass."
"What is it, dear?"
"About six months after I'm gone, I want you to marry Joey, ok?"
She sat dumbfounded for a second. "But, I thought you *hated* that man?"
The husband grabbed her hand and with his last breath whispered "I do."

Little Billy comes home early from school, only to find his Dad m**... in the living room...

As Billy is quite young, he is shocked and confused at what he is seeing. His Dad tries to explain:
"Don't be scared, Billy. I'm not hurting myself, I'm doing something completely normal. In fact, you are going to start doing it pretty soon as well."
"Why is that, Dad?", young Billy asks.
"Because, son, my hand is getting tired and I need someone to take over."

A man goes up to his wife...

He holds out his hand offering her two aspirin and a glass of water.
She says with a puzzled look on her face "But I don't have a headache?"
He replies with a smirk on his face "good! We can have s**... then."

Poker is like s**...

If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand
Edit 1: when you cheat in poker you have a partner
Edit 2: this is getting more upvotes than I thought it would get but before someone calls me out on it. This was a Mae West quote about bridge and several Internet memes put poker instead of bridge because more people play poker than bridge and when you cheat in poker you have partners(the poker strategy is called collusion)

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads...

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
h**...: $10.00
He checks his wallet and beckons to the s**... bartender.
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
"Well, wash your hands," says the man. "I want a chicken sandwich!"

You gotta hand it to short people

because they can't reach it

A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police."
I told the officer I was being stalked and he asked if I could tell him anything about the man.
I said, "Yes, he reminds me of Leonardo Di Caprio."

It's like my uncle always said: "The day I can't do my job drunk..."

" the day I hand in my badge and gun."

#1 h**... Tip for Women:

Use your mouth.

I got arrested the other day for holding a little girl's hand

They wanted to know where the rest of her body was

I got a h**... yesterday

I'm now officially a sign language interpreter

So the Pope visits Queen Elizabeth II...

... and she says : "Watch, Francis! With a wave of my hand, I can make every loyal subject go completely hysterical!" So she waves at the crowd and every loyal subject goes completely a**.... So Francis tells her : "Well, Elizabeth, with a wave of my hand, I can give every Scotsman and Irishman eternal joy!" And she replies : "I'd like to see that!" .... So he slaps her.

Funniest thing my gf has ever said

We were at a a red light and i noticed a woman in the car behind me making a lot of arm and hand motions. No one was in the car with her (probably on bluetooth).
Me: Hey babe look at this woman behind us. What is she doing? She's just flailing her arms around but there isn't any one with her.
GF: Maybe she's deaf and she's singing to herself.

My girlfriend dropped this on me after some Tex-Mex last night ...

"I'm chilly"
She steps closer and takes my hand
"Will you be my con queso?"
And before I could even respond ...
"Sorry, was that too cheesy for you?"

If I have an addiction to m**...

And I suddenly develop it into an addiction to s**..., does that mean my addiction is getting out of hand?

I bought a fleshlight today

My m**... has gotten out of hand

A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom

The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"
"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."
The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"

A teacher asks her class to use 'contagious' in a sentence

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence. Sally, the class genius, raises her hand and says, "Last year I got the mumps, and my mom said it was contagious."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Would anyone else like to try?"
Little Johnny raises his hand and stands to give his answer.
"Our mean next door neighbor was painting her house by hand, and my dad said it would take the contagious.

If there's a bee in my hand, what's in my eye?

Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
ITT: People who want to kill me, people who think I am their dad, more puns about bees, puns about beer, "oh I get it", and "this joke is more like a riddle"

A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital with one hand on her back...

A nurse asks her what's wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"
The nurse shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry…I don't understand."
The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"
The nurse, bewildered, turns to a doctor.
"Admit her," the doctor said. "She's having contractions."

What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand?

My hand.

The king asks a commoner...

"Give me your daughter's hand in marriage, and I'll give you her weight in jewels."
"I will need a couple days first." - Replies the commoner
"To think it over?" asks his majesty.
"No - to fatten her up."

Boss p**...

I sit at work today drinking Coke, doing some stuff with Excel tables when suddenly my boss puts his hand into my pants, jerks me off, and then goes back to his previous work like nothing happened. Being self employed has its positives.

I'm so proud of my son

I asked him what the sound of one hand clapping is. He said "dunno" and walked off to his room, but I can hear him trying to figure it out.

My buddy went to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back...

Half way through he said "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand."
The tattooist said "Hang on pal, I've only just finished his turban."

Studies suggest when it comes to dealing with stress, m**... is twice as effective as s**...

So one in the hand really is worth two in the bush.

A mathematician is afraid of flying

A mathematician is afraid of flying due to the small risk of a t**... attack. So, on every flight he takes a bomb with his hand luggage. "The probability of having a bomb on a plane is very low", he reason, "and the probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero."

A white woman takes a black man she met a club home...

...She takes him by the hand to the bedroom and winks at him and says: "why don't you show me if what they say about black guys is true." So he stabs her and steals her TV.
P.S: don't worry, it's ok for me to make such jokes because I'm racist.

A teacher asks her class what their favourite letter is

A student puts up his hand and says 'G'. The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus"

What do you call it when the new US president waves his hand?

A microwave.

A wife is like a hand grenade...

Take off the ring and say good bye to your house.

Son : Mom, Dad... I'm gay.

Dad : *Raising his right hand*
Mom : No , don't you dare!
Dad : *Sweating profusely*
Mom : Don't do it!
Dad : *waves at son* Hi gay , Im Dad.
Son : No Dad, I'm serious!
Dad : You're serious? I thought you were gay!
Son : I'm not serious!
Dad and Mom : Good.

Chuck Norris threw a hand grenade and killed 50 people

Then the grenade exploded.

There's an old man on his deathbed...

... sensing his time is near he beckens for his wife to join his side. She sits down next to him and clutches his hand and leans in to hear what he has to say.
In a shakey voice he says: "Maybel, when I die, I want you to marry Jenkins."
Taken back a moment, she looks at her husband and says: "Jenkins?! Why, I thought you hated him!"
The old man cackles and in his last breath he says "AND I STILL DO!"

If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye?

Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

I asked a p**...

"How Much For A h**...?"
Lady: "50..Do You Want One Honey?"
I: "No…No, it just makes me happy To Know How Much I Save When I Do It My Self"

A woman gets up in the morning

wakes up her husband and says:
- Honey, I had a wonderful dream. I dreamed you gave me a diamond necklace for my birthday. What does it mean?
The husband answers:
- You'll know it on your birthday.
The wife's birthday arrives and the husband enters the house with a package in his hand. The woman, excited, takes it from her hands, tears the paper nervously, quickly opens the box and finds a book titled: "The meaning of dreams."

A Native American walks into an Old West saloon followed shortly by a bear

The patrons freeze in fear, and the saloonkeeper points to the Native American man and whispers "There's a bear right behind you!"
The Native American man holds up a calm hand and says, "I can explain. Bear with me."

Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.

Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.
Pascal is no where to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a square drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.
Einstein says Newton, you're terrible, I've found you! Newton says No no, Einy. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!

Hollywood is remaking Brokeback Mountain with Margot Robbie and Emma Watson

On the one hand, I hate that they have to remake all the classic movies with female leads as if that somehow makes them better. On the other hand, lotion.

When it comes to trick plays, you have to hand it to Tom Brady...

Literally. He can't catch.

I've been hiring a blind p**... lately,

And I really have to hand it to her.

Why did France give the Statue of Liberty to the USA?

Because the French had no use for a statue with only one hand in the air.

A professor in South Africa is teaching her students how to form Emglish sentences.

Attention class I have two words: Cheetah, and dandelion. Can anybody use these together in a sentence?
One student raises their hand,
The cheetah is faster dandelion.

Use any units you'd like (actually happened in a class of mine)

Professor: Anyone want to guess the Earth's magnetic field strength? Use any units you'd like.
Student: *raises hand*
Professor: Yes?
Student: 1 Earth

What does a wife and a hand grenade have in common?

Remove the ring and your house is gone

Today my son threw a quarter in the well at the mall and said "I wish my dad was dead." And because of his attitide we went home without buying anything.

When we got to our house we saw an ambulance and the coroner at Jim's house, apparently he had a freak heart attack about thirty minutes before hand, it was odd because he was a personal trainer and in great shape, my wife seemed real upset by his passing. Though it was strange because I've never even seen them speak to eachother.

A m**... is to be executed by electric chair and the priests asks if he has any last request.

The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.

"Dad, was I adopted as a child?"

The father sighs, places his hand on the boy's shoulder and replies wistfully:
"We tried, but nobody would take you"

A college teacher reminds her class of the next day's final exam.

Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!
A smart-a**... guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter s**... exhaustion?
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head sweetly.
Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He t**... the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, You can take anything you want. You can even p**... whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.

Thief: You must really love your wife!
Man: No, but she will be home shortly .

Hey bro, can you hand me that pamphlet?


If a guy is addicted to m**... but then gets addicted to s**......

Is it fair to say his addiction is getting out of hand?

A man walks into a bar and sees 2 steaks hanging from the ceiling.

He sits down and orders a beer, and asks the bartender
"what's the deal with the steaks?"
"It's a competition. If you can jump up and slap both steaks at the same time, one with each hand, you win the bar. If you try and fail, though, you pay for everyone's drinks for the rest of the night"
The man sits and thinks it over, and a couple minutes later the bartender asks if he wants to have a go.
"Nah, the steaks are too high"

Why are s**... donations more expensive than blood donations?

They are hand made

A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub

The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren't mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"
The cop, obviously in disbelief, tells the woman, "Show me."
So the woman tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the woman's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"

The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.

The Pope says to Trump, Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!
Trump replies, I seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Show me!
So the Pope slapped him.

Hand joke, The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.

jokes about hand