Hand Jokes

Funniest Hand Short Jokes

Short hand jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hand humour may include short gesture jokes also.

1. As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said Y'know, one would have been enough.
2. If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do. On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
   On the other hand, you don't.
3. Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made
4. I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.
5. I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over. You've given me one too many.
   That one is a freebie.
6. I accidentally swallowed a handful of scrabble tiles... My next bowel movement could spell disaster.
7. I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights are too heavy. I just handed in my too weak notice.
8. What is something with 8 eyes, 8 leg, and 8 hands? 8 pirates
   My little brother told me this joke and I am so proud of him.
9. It was so cold in D.C. today... that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
10. If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

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Hand One Liners

Which hand one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hand? I can suggest the ones about arms and touch.

1. I can count on one hand how many time I have been to Chernobyl. It's 14.
2. 6:30 is the best time on a clock hands down
3. You know what has 8 legs 8 hands and 8 eyes? 8 Pirates
4. Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands? Cause they're dead.
5. "No thanks. I am a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you a baby.
6. If you're single and you know it Use your hands
7. I broke my finger today... But on the other hand I am completely fine.
8. What has five fingers and isn't your hand? My hand.
9. My friend handed me a peach. I told him I prefer pears. So he handed me another one.
10. I steal candy bars using slight of hand... You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve
11. A wife is like a hand grenade... Take off the ring and say good bye to your house.
12. Chuck Norris threw a hand grenade and killed 50 people Then the grenade exploded.
13. They say being a hostage is hard But I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
14. What do you call it when the new US president waves his hand? A microwave.
15. My career as a street fighter didn't last very long... I broke my hand punching a curb.

Right Hand Jokes

Here is a list of funny right hand jokes and even better right hand puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• When I meet a girl for the first time I shake hands with my left. I don't want to intimidate her with the competition right away
• "Hand me downs" Apparently not the right way to ask the wife to hand me our disabled baby.
• I lost three fingers on my right hand, so I asked my doctor if I would still be able to write with it. He said: Maybe, but I wouldn't count
  on it.
• Can secretaries really write memos with both their left and right hands at the same time? Or is that just stereotyping.
• I went to the prosthetic limb store to buy some new hands "Two of each hand please." I say to the man at the counter.
  "We're all out of left hands sir." He responds.
  "All right then."
• Being left handed is unacceptable... It's just not right .
• Last month, I had my left hand and left leg amputated because of an accident… but I'm now recovering, I'm all right now.
• Why was the accordion player always so good at poker? He knew how to play his cards right and pull out the perfect hand.
• Chernobyl I know a man who just watched the series drama Chernobyl. He lives right outside of the place.
  He says he counted 9 factual mistakes in the drama series on one hand
• I had a SCAB but I picked the bottom right hand corner of it... No I have a SCAR.

Raise Your Hand Jokes

Here is a list of funny raise your hand jokes and even better raise your hand puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• My dad would swear and then say, "Excuse my French" One day the teacher asked if anyone could speak a foreign language and I raised my hand.
• I walked into my boss's office and handed him a pear... "What's this for? he asked.
  I replied, "A raise. My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you."
• My mate's gambling is getting out of hand. He's just bet his newborn son in our game of poker.
  I thought, "I might have to raise him."
• Everyone who believes in Psychokinesis... raise my hand
• A boy is sitting in class learning about logarithms The teacher asks the class, "how do we change bases?"
  The boy excitedly raises his hand and says, "ask her nicely"
• All those with telekinetic powers raise my hand. Wow! I wasn't expecting that!
• "Alright kids, I just got off the phone. Now, raise your hands if your parents are still alive!" "Not so fast, Billy."
• So it's the first day of shop class... The teacher asks, "What's the difference between a nail, a screw, and a bolt?" A girl raises her hand and says, "I don't know. I've never been bolted before."
• Raising your hand is the worst way for voting Hands Down
• High school laffs In high school once our history teacher asked who bombed pearl harbor, a Japanese kid raised his hand and the teacher said; correct!

Left Hand Jokes

Here is a list of funny left hand jokes and even better left hand puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.
• Did you know that Jim Carrey lost the use of his left hand for a month in 1997? He was all righty then.
• Don't date a left handed girl... righty tighty
  lefty loosey
• I got a new pair of gloves today but they're both 'lefts' Which, on the one hand, is great
• My girlfriend broke up with me so I started dating her twin sister I'm not left handed but i'll have to make do until the doctor removes the cast
• How many bassists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. Just have the keybord player do it with their left hand.
• I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today! I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
• Why is programming in Django hard? You can only use two fingers on your left hand.
• A guy asked me how I lost the finger on my right hand. I was showing someone how I lost the finger on my left
• My friend stirs soup with his left hand. But I stir soup with a spoon.

Big Hand Jokes

Here is a list of funny big hand jokes and even better big hand puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• When is bedtime at Michael Jackson's house? When the big hand touches the little hand.
• I sure hope Roy Moore wins today Alabama needs a congressman who isn't afraid to get his hands on the issues before they get too big.
• Classic. Q: If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?
  A: Big hands.
• My sons joke - if you've a cricket ball in one hand, and a cricket ball in the other hand. What have you got? A big cricket.
• I said "My, what big eyes you have!" Followed by "My, what big hands you have!"
  And then "My what big teeth you have!"
  My charity gig for children with disabilities did not start out well.
• I made a clock. The big hand is a butcher's knife, the small hand is a paring knife, and the clock face is a sharpening stone. There's never a dull moment.
• You know what they say. Big hands, big feet... Two outta three ain't bad!
• What time is bed time at the Catholic church? When the big hand touches the little hand!
• You know what they say about big hands... Big clock.
• How do you know it's midnight at the Neverland Ranch? The big hand's touching the little hand.

One Hand Jokes

Here is a list of funny one hand jokes and even better one hand puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• I bought a chessboard cake from the bakers last week. Took one bite, looked up, and said "it's stale mate".
  He seemed surprised, said "no, mate".
  So I handed him the cake and said "check mate".
• birthday card As i handed my mom her 50th birthday card today she said " One would've done"
• What are the pros and cons of wearing two watches? On one hand, you have a watch...
  But on the other hand, you have a watch.
• If you have have a small green ball in one hand and another small green ball in the other, what do you have? Kermit the Frog's full attention.
• My mate just watched the Chernobyl documentary and, having grown up in Ukraine in the 1980s, he was pretty mad. And I get it, too. He counted at least eight historical inaccuracies on one hand.
• I'm so proud of my son I asked him what the sound of one hand clapping is. He said "dunno" and walked off to his room, but I can hear him trying to figure it out.
• Why did France give the Statue of Liberty to the USA? Because the French had no use for a statue with only one hand in the air.
• Why does Helen Keller play piano with only one hand? Because she uses the other one to sing
• What do a girlfriend and a forklift have in common ? If you don't have one, you have to unload by hand
• How do one-handed people put on gloves? They don't, they put on glove.

Great Hand Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends

What funny jokes about hand you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean hold jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hand pranks.