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Hammer Jokes

165 hammer jokes and hilarious hammer puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about hammer that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Read through some of the best hammer jokes out there! From hammer and nail puns to hammer toe puns and everything in between, you're sure to get a few giggles from these jokes. Don't miss out on the classic hammer head shark puns either! Plus, find out what you get when you cross a glass hammer with a screwdriver and more hilarious jokes you've heard repeatedly throughout the years. These jokes are perfect for telling an apprentice!

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Funniest Hammer Short Jokes

Short hammer jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hammer humour may include short hang jokes also.

  1. What do you call a black man that is hammered AF that is stumbling to his car from the bar? An Uber so he can get home safely
  2. Testing products on animals Guy: We need to stop testing our products on animals
    Boss: Why? Shampoo companies do that all the time.
    Guy: Ya. But we make hammers.
  3. As a doctor I often get asked why I use that rubber hammer to tap patient's knees. I dunno. I just get a kick out of it.
  4. I got hammered last night and woke up next to some fat old lady that was snoring. So I guess I made it home okay...
  5. My employer has recently started testing their products on animals. I guess it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't work for a hammer factory.
  6. A CEO and his board of directors gather for a meeting CEO: We need to stop testing our products on animals.
    BOD: Why? Shampoo companies do it all the time.
    CEO: Yeah but we make hammers
  7. An anvil walks into a bar.. The bartender asks him, would you like a beer? The anvil answers: "No thanks, I'm already hammered."
  8. A blacksmith said to his new helper, "You see this piece of iron? When I nod my head, you hit it as hard as you can with your hammer." Those were his last words.
  9. Why wasn't the hammer allowed to join the party of seven other tools? Cause he was tool eight.
  10. I was at the hardware store, and an employee asked me if I wanted a ladder or a hammer. When I said I wanted the latter, I was surprised when the employee brought me a ladder

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Hammer One Liners

Which hammer one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hammer? I can suggest the ones about beam and shaft.

  1. "I see", said the blind carpenter As he tripped over his hammer and saw
  2. For a guy that could change water into wine, I'm surprised Jesus only got hammered once.
  3. Did Jesus ever get drunk? I dunno either, but I heard he got hammered once.
  4. some guy told me I was a tool So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend
  5. "I see!" says the blind man, as he picked up his hammer and saw.
  6. Why is Chris Rock like a used anvil? They both got hammered by a blacksmith.
  7. Jesus walks into a jewish bar Let's just say he got hammered...
  8. How fast was Thor's hammer destroyed in Ragnarok? Hela fast
  9. My brother called me a tool So I got hammered and nailed his wife.
  10. I don't trust people with a hammer and sickle in their bio. Big red flag.
  11. This is Hammer, this is Screwdriver, this is The Wrench... You know The Drill.
  12. Who performed the Imperial Roman version of "Can't Touch This"? 1100 Hammer
  13. Why wouldn't the frog lend his hammer to the mushroom? Because it's a toad's tool.
  14. What do you call a drunk piece of wood? Hammered.
  15. I'll never forget my Grandma's final words : What are you doing in here with that hammer?

Hammer And Nail Jokes

Here is a list of funny hammer and nail jokes and even better hammer and nail puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Some guy called me a tool... So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.
  • I have this great joke about construction I'm still working on it
    Got to hammer out a few kinks
    Make sure to nail the delivery
    I just don't want to screw it up
  • A nail walks into a bar and orders a whisky neat. The bartender says "okay, but no getting hammered."
  • Rumour has it... Rumour has it that Jesus got so hammered on good friday that he didn't wake up for 3 days.
    (Easter Joke... Nailed it.)
  • Guy calls me names Some guy called me a tool. So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.
  • How do nails feel when they are drunk? Hammered.
  • What happens when a carpenter drinks with his wife? He gets hammered and she gets nailed.
  • What do nails like to do on the weekend? Get hammered.
  • Jesus Christ walks into a hotel... He goes up to the receptionist, hands her three nails and a hammer and asks Can you put me up for the night?
  • Whats the difference between my girlfriend and a nail Only one calls the police if I hit it with a hammer

Mc Hammer Jokes

Here is a list of funny mc hammer jokes and even better mc hammer puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I went round MC Hammer's house the other day. It was rubbish!!
    He wouldn't let me touch anything.
  • I went to a party last weekend at MC Hammer's house, but it wasn't very enjoyable though... ...he kept getting really paranoid about people touching things...
  • I was lucky enough to be invited to MC Hammer's house recently. Although, it was actually kind of boring, since he kept saying I wasn't allowed to touch anything.
  • The worst thing about living next door to MC Hammer is the constant DIY noise. I shouted 'Stop!' but if anything that made it worse.
    (Gary Delaney)
  • What do antimatter and MC Hammer have in common? Can't touch this
  • Why couldn't MC Hammer's team of lawyers get him off the hook? The charges were too legit to acquit.
  • Favorite Leno Joke The economy is so bad, Mc Hammer said, "For five dollars U Can Touch This."
  • Who was Lenin's favorite hip-hop artist? MC Hammer & Sickle
  • What do you call a communist hip-hop musician? MC Hammer and Sickle.
  • What did MC Hammer name his son? Arman.
Hammer joke, What did MC Hammer name his son?

Hammer Chisel Jokes

Here is a list of funny hammer chisel jokes and even better hammer chisel puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I'll never forget the first time Mum made some rock cakes. She passed then round and told me to take my pick. I didn't need a pick, I needed a hammer and chisel.

Hammer Head Shark Jokes

Here is a list of funny hammer head shark jokes and even better hammer head shark puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What do you call a drunk shark? A hammered-head
Hammer joke, What do you call a drunk shark?

Hilarious Hammer Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends

What funny jokes about hammer you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean knife jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hammer pranks.

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

I'll always remember Granddad's last words to me...

"WHAT'RE YOU DOING IN HERE WITH THAT HAMMER?"

Did you hear about the blind carpenter and the magic hammer?

He picked up the hammer and saw.

I remember the last thing my nan said to me before she died.

"What are you doing here with that hammer?" (Lee Mack)

What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon? (Kinda dark)

One's fun to smash with a hammer, the other is a delicious snack.

What's the difference between the IRS and a baby?

It takes a lot more than a hammer to make the IRS shut up.

Talking clock

 While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock," the man replied. "How's it work?"
  "Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"

Frozen...

Text Message from Wife:
Windows frozen. Won't Open.
Husband:
Pour lukewarm water on window. Tap gently with hammer to free windows.
Wife:
Computer really messed up now. Nothing works.

A PUN for people living in London!

So take Will Smith and give him a hammer. Put him in the middle of a City Line and you have ... The Hammer Smith and City Line

My blind friend went to home depot...

he picked up a hammer and saw!

So my wife asked me what happened to my s**... drive

I told her I destroyed it with a hammer because I thought the police were onto it.

My wife texted me at lunch

"Window's frozen"
"Pour warm water on it, then lightly tap the edges with a hammer and chisel" I replied.
Ten minutes later, she called back.
"We need a new computer now".

What did h**... say when he smashed his thumb with a hammer?

"Au, schwitz!"

When I cast my vote for Bernie Sanders...

When I cast my vote for Bernie Sanders, do I punch the ballot with my sickle or my hammer?

An Irish Mexican teenager starts a job as a builder..

Only one hour into his first job he tries to hammer a nail with a screwdriver. The boss spots this and walks over to let him know he's doing it wrong. "You've got a lot to learn young p**... Juan".

What did the hammer announce over the intercom to the evacuating screws screaming for help?

"This is not a drill!"

The mighty god rode his valiand steed atop the highest mountain..

... raised his hammer high, and declared ''I am Thor!''. To which his horse replied: ''Because you forgot your thaddle, thilly.''

What do you call a frozen Communist?

A hammer and pop-sickle

You've killed dozens and robbed hundreds of people using your hammer. What can you say in your defense?

– Defendant! Stop clowning and sit down!

Two scientists walk into a bar

The first orders some H2O, the second exclaims "I'll have some H2O too!
The bartender, deciding not to be a dinosaur hammer, gives the scientist water instead of showing off his chemistry skills, preventing the second scientist from dying.

A carpenter's workshop's light went out

To find his way around, he picked up his hammer and saw.

wife's insisting to quit job

The wife's insisting I quit my job, because she thinks it's cruel we've started testing our new products on rabbits.
She's got a point, I suppose...
I work in a hammer factory.

If a Hammerhead Shark met a Nail Tail Whale..

Would they..Hit it off?

I don't know what to do when someone yells stop

Is it hammer time? Is it in the name of love? Do I collaborate and listen?

After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery.

Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.
I thought you were a ghost, says the relieved teen.
What are you doing working so late?
Oh, those idiots, grumbles the old man. They misspelled my name!

Whenever you go to do something, bring a hammer and a screwdriver...

the first time it doesn't work, hit it with a hammer. If it doesn't work after that, screw it.

What blood disease do communists get?

Hammer and sickle cell anemia.

Afraid your kid might be a c**...?

Well if he paints one of his bedroom walls red with some yellow stars or a hammer and sickle, that's a huge red flag.

What is the opposite of a seesaw?

A blind hammer.

Sure... when miley cyrus gets n**... and licks a hammer it's "s**..." and "art"

But when I do it I'm "drunk" and need to "get out of Home Depot"

The god of thunder rides to the top of the mountain atop his noble steed.

Upon reaching the summit, he gets off his horse, raises his hammer to the sky and yells, "I am Thor!"
The horse turns around and says, "That'th cuth you forgot your thaddle thilly!"

[Dark] I've recently started to make my own vegetables.

I love using all the tools, my favorite is when I get to use the hammer.

I'll never forget the last thing my mother said to me before she died

"Put down that hammer Jimmy!"

An old blacksmith ...

... realised that soon he would not be able to work so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do." One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard."
Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.

I was wondering why the book about s**... I bought had positions like the "hammer and sickle" and "government mandated equality"

Then I realized I was reading the c**... Sutra.

Do you have an extra pen?

During an exam.
Girl. Nope
2 minutes later.
Guy. Do you have an extra pen?
Girl. I said no leave me alone.
5 minutes later.
Guy. Do you have an extra pen?
Girl. If you ask one more time I will smash your head a hammer.
10 minutes later.
Guy. You have a hammer?
Girl. Oh my god, no.
Guy. Then, do you have an extra pen?

What kind of toothpaste does Thor use?

Arm and Hammer.

My Grandad's joke: Hey, young fella! Want to see something swell?

Hit your thumb with a hammer!

Little Johnny tells his friend, "My grandpa died yesterday."

Friend asks, "Oh, how did that happen?"
Johnny, "He hit his thumb with a hammer."
Friend, "But you can't die of that!"
Johnny, "I know but he wouldn't stop screaming and cursing so we shot him."

Who hosts the tool awards?

Emcee Hammer

If at first you don't succeed...

Find a bigger hammer.

Why is it...

That when Miley Cyrus licks a hammer n**... it's called 'Music' and 'Art', but when I do it, it's called 'Property Damage' and 'Nudity' and I get kicked out of Home Depot?

What did the athlete say after a perfect hammer toss?

"Nailed it."

The blacksmith hires an apprentice

He instructed the boy, When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer.
The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he's the new village blacksmith

I've heard that if all you have is a hammer, then everything looks like a nail.

So I'm going to start carrying a speculum.

A hammer is introduced to the members of a new toolbox,

The Hammer sees his old friend and the Wrench giving the tour says:
You know the drill but do you know the screwdriver?

"I see," said the blind construction worker,

As he picked up his hammer and saw

How do you cause world hunger?

Well first, you need a hammer and a sickle...

What's the most effective way to get rid of c**...?

Shave half your p**..., light the other half on fire and smash them with a hammer when they come running out.

What do you call a strange hammer?

An abnor-mallet-y!

Bulls on a Parade

On a hot sunny day, I went to a record store. A song was playing on the speakers. Angrily, I picked up a hammer and started b**... the speaker system.
The confused owner asked, "What is this?"
I said, "Rage Against the Machine."

What did the hammer say after a job well done?

Nailed it.

What's black and white and red all over?

A man with Vitiligo being beaten to death with a hammer.

I make my own vegetables...

With a hammer

My friend really s**... at carpentry

He walked into Home Depot thinking he needed a screw.
The employee was trying to explain that he needed a nail, and how it even worked
Friend: So you're telling me I have to strike this thing repeatedly with a hammer?
Employee: Yes, you hit the nail on the head.

Why does Thor carry a hammer?

Because he already has a thorax.

The village blacksmith hired an enthusiastic new apprentice

His new apprentice was willing to work long, hard hours.
One day he instructed the boy, When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer.
The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he's the new village blacksmith.

What did the hammer say when a girl tried to use it to put a screw in the wall.

WARNING! WARNING! This is NOT a drill.

Instruction

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad: When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil, and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he's the village blacksmith.

A hammered dude walks up and orders a beer...

Woman: Sir, this is a library!
Dude: Oh sorry!
Dude: (whispers) One beer please

Somebody must have roofied my drink last night.

I woke up at 4:00 this morning with an irresistible urge to go hammer some shingles.

What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?

Gu-whack-a-mole-e.

A man worked at construction site...

...and is brought to emergency room with concussion and skull fracture.
His wife, furious, comes to hospital.
"What happened?!"
"Well, I asked John to throw me the hammer..."
"And then what?! You didn't catch it?"
"In matter of fact *I did*. But then I remembered we have 3 guys named John working on our site..."

Working with a hammer can be intimidating.

They nail it every time.

Home depot is the best brothel

The vacuum s**..., the fan blows, the hammer bangs and they have plenty of pots to plant your seed.

Did you hear about the creator of Arm & Hammer?

He used to be armed and hammered, but he really cleaned up his act.

Thor: "I'm going to kill you with my Thor hammer, so prepare to die!"

Antman: "Ha, it's no match for my thorax!"

Last week I moved into a new suburb

My neighbour came over on the first day and borrowed a hammer so he could replace his white picket fence. I watched as he took the pickets off one by one until they were all off and then he stood there looking confused. I went over with a shovel and asked if he needed a hand. He said "no I'm alright, I'm just deciding whether to repost because this place hates reposts"

Back in the day last name said something about your profession...

The Smiths would hammer away creating armor and weapons as blacksmiths. The Fishers would navigate the seas in search as fishermen. And The Dickinsons, well no one really knew what they did.

Carl Marx grave attacked with a hammer.

Makes me sickle

Hammer joke, Carl Marx grave attacked with a hammer.

jokes about hammer