hammer Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious hammer puns

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

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Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment.

The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.

"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."

"How does it work?"

The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "Hey asshole! It's 3:30 in the fucking morning!"

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Sure... when Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer it's "sexy" and "art"

But when I do it I'm "drunk" and need to "get out of Home Depot"

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After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery.

Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.

I thought you were a ghost, says the relieved teen.

What are you doing working so late?

Oh, those idiots, grumbles the old man. They misspelled my name!

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Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: Windows frozen, won't open.

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap the edges with a hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

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The blacksmith hires an apprentice

He instructed the boy, When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer.

The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he's the new village blacksmith

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"I see", said the blind carpenter

As he tripped over his hammer and saw

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I got hammered last night and woke up next to some fat old lady that was snoring.

So I guess I made it home okay...

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wife's insisting to quit job

The wife's insisting I quit my job, because she thinks it's cruel we've started testing our new products on rabbits.
She's got a point, I suppose...

I work in a hammer factory.

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My employer has recently started testing their products on animals.

I guess it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't work for a hammer factory.

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I was wondering why the book about sex I bought had positions like the "hammer and sickle" and "government mandated equality"

Then I realized I was reading the Commie Sutra.

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Wife texts husband, "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband replies, "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it
and gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife sends back 5 minutes later, "Computer is really messed up now."

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An Irish Mexican teenager starts a job as a builder..

Only one hour into his first job he tries to hammer a nail with a screwdriver. The boss spots this and walks over to let him know he's doing it wrong. "You've got a lot to learn young Paddy Juan".

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"I see!" says the blind man,

as he picked up his hammer and saw.

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Why wasn't the hammer allowed to join the party of seven other tools?

Cause he was tool eight.

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I was at the hardware store, and an employee asked me if I wanted a ladder or a hammer.

When I said I wanted the latter, I was surprised when the employee brought me a ladder

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The village blacksmith hired an enthusiastic new apprentice

His new apprentice was willing to work long, hard hours.

One day he instructed the boy, When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer.

The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he's the new village blacksmith.

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An artist in a circus shows a crocodile and put his penis in its mouth.

Then he takes a hammer, hammers on the crocodile's head and pulls out his penis. "*Does anybody else want to try this?*", he asks the audience. An old woman raises her hand and says: "*I'd like to try, but don't hit me too hard.*"

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The Hammer

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard." The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You God-damned bastard." The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

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A man is travelling through the desert on a camel.

After a few days of travel the camel starts slowing down and eventually stops. The man gets of and starts dragging the camel after him when he sees an oasis in the distance. He drags the camel to the oasis where there is a woman standing on a ramp with a hammer in her hand. "Friend, did he stop?" The woman asks. "Yes." He answers. "Drag it on the ramp." The man drags the camel on the ramp. The woman takes the hammer and hits the camel on the balls hard. The camel springs up and starts running away. "How am I supposed to catch up to it now?" The outraged man asks. "Stand on the ramp." Answers the woman.

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The University teacher noticed that his exchange student, Micheal, suddenly had started attracting a lot of female attention..!

So, one day the teacher asks Micheal about his secret. Micheal replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the University teacher gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome opportunity for sex. So, he quickly undresses and starts banging his dick against the dresser, just before hearing his wife calling from the shower:

"Is that you, Micheal...?".

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A grave encounter

After trick-or-treating, 
a teen takes a shortcut home 
through the cemetery. Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots 
an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.

I thought you were a ghost, 
says the relieved teen. What are you 
doing working so late?

Oh, those idiots, grumbles the old man. They misspelled my name!

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Bubba

A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?"

So Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw'em forever!"

The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he jerked off his clothes and started banging it on the dresser.

His wife stuck her head out of the shower and asked, "Is that you, Bubba?"

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One Dark Halloween Night........

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap- tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?" "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

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You bastard

A judge working a double-homicide case tells the defendant, You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.

You bastard! yells a voice from the back of the courtroom.

You're also charged with killing your mother-in-law with a hammer, says the judge.

Bastard! the same person yells.

The judge addresses the man sitting in the back of the courtroom. Sir, one more outburst and I'll charge you with contempt.

I'm sorry, Your Honor, says the man. But I've been this bastard's neighbor for 10 years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one.

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A college professor started to notice that one of his students, Dave, started gaining lots of female attention.

So, one day he asks Dave about his secret. Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the professor gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome opportunity for sex. So, he quickly undresses and starts banging his dick against the dresser, just before hearing his wife calling from the shower:

"Dave, is that you?".

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Did you hear about the blind carpenter and the magic hammer?

He picked up the hammer and saw.

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A man worked at construction site...

...and is brought to emergency room with concussion and skull fracture.

His wife, furious, comes to hospital.

"What happened?!"

"Well, I asked John to throw me the hammer..."

"And then what?! You didn't catch it?"

"In matter of fact *I did*. But then I remembered we have 3 guys named John working on our site..."

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A man goes to see his urologist

about a problem he's having. "Well," says the doctor, "let's have a look at the little- Jesus Christ, that's quite the schlong you've got there!" - "Yeah, you see, it's 15 inches and scares the girls away. I'd really like to have it shortened by a few." The urologist contemplates the man's request shortly before answering, "you know, I've just the thing for you. If you really want to shave a few inches off that hammer of justice of yours, go into the woods and look for an enchanted frog. Every time he answers a question negatively, your pocket howitzer will shrink by three full inches!"

Thrilled by that news, the man, armed with a measuring tape, goes into the woods to find the frog. After hours of searching, a voice behind him croaks, "looking for someone?" - the enchanted frog! The man wastes no time: "Will you marry me, frog?", he asks. "No way.", says the frog. The man goes to check his pecker behind a tree and - eureka! - sees it's 3 inches shorter. "A footlong johnson is still a bit too much", he thinks, and asks the frog again, to the same effect. With nine inches left, he still isn't quite content, so he walks over to the frog once more. "So, frog. Will you marry me now?" - "Goddammit, human. I told you no, no, fucking NO!"

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I'll always remember Granddad's last words to me...

"WHAT'RE YOU DOING IN HERE WITH THAT HAMMER?"

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A college teacher noticed that his exchange student, Dave, suddenly had started attracting a lot of female attention.

So, one day he asked Dave about his secret. Dave replied: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".
Later that day, the college teacher gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome opportunity for sex. So, he quickly undresses and starts banging his dick against the dresser, just before hearing his wife calling from the shower:
"Is that you, Dave?".

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Neighbor

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard." The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You God-damned bastard." The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

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My wife texted me at lunch

"Window's frozen"

"Pour warm water on it, then lightly tap the edges with a hammer and chisel" I replied.

Ten minutes later, she called back.

"We need a new computer now".

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This is Hammer, this is Screwdriver, this is The Wrench...

You know The Drill.

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After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery.

Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots 
an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.

I thought you were a ghost, 
says the relieved teen. What are you 
doing working so late?

Oh, those idiots, grumbles the old man. They misspelled my name!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What are the most funny Hammer jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Hammer? Well, here are the best Hammer dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Hammer pick up lines to share with friends.

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