The Best 72 Hammer Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Hammer jokes. There are some hammer carpenter jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these hammer mc hammer puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Hammer Jokes and Puns

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

I'll always remember Granddad's last words to me...

"WHAT'RE YOU DOING IN HERE WITH THAT HAMMER?"

Did you hear about the blind carpenter and the magic hammer?

He picked up the hammer and saw.

Hammer joke, Did you hear about the blind carpenter and the magic hammer?

I remember the last thing my nan said to me before she died.

"What are you doing here with that hammer?" (Lee Mack)

Talking clock

γ€€While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock," the man replied. "How's it work?"

γ€€γ€€"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"


Frozen...

Text Message from Wife:
Windows frozen. Won't Open.

Husband:
Pour lukewarm water on window. Tap gently with hammer to free windows.

Wife:
Computer really messed up now. Nothing works.

Why wouldn't the frog lend his hammer to the mushroom?

Because it's a toad's tool.

Hammer joke, Why wouldn't the frog lend his hammer to the mushroom?

My blind friend went to Home Depot...

he picked up a hammer and saw!

My wife texted me at lunch

"Window's frozen"

"Pour warm water on it, then lightly tap the edges with a hammer and chisel" I replied.

Ten minutes later, she called back.

"We need a new computer now".

What did hitler say when he smashed his thumb with a hammer?

"Au, schwitz!"

When I cast my vote for Bernie Sanders...

When I cast my vote for Bernie Sanders, do I punch the ballot with my sickle or my hammer?

You can explore hammer apprentice reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean hammer hacksaw dad jokes. There are also hammer puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


An Irish Mexican teenager starts a job as a builder..

Only one hour into his first job he tries to hammer a nail with a screwdriver. The boss spots this and walks over to let him know he's doing it wrong. "You've got a lot to learn young Paddy Juan".

What did the hammer announce over the intercom to the evacuating screws screaming for help?

"This is not a drill!"

Two scientists walk into a bar

The first orders some H2O, the second exclaims "I'll have some H2O too!

The bartender, deciding not to be a dinosaur hammer, gives the scientist water instead of showing off his chemistry skills, preventing the second scientist from dying.

A carpenter's workshop's light went out

To find his way around, he picked up his hammer and saw.

wife's insisting to quit job

The wife's insisting I quit my job, because she thinks it's cruel we've started testing our new products on rabbits.
She's got a point, I suppose...

I work in a hammer factory.

Hammer joke, wife's insisting to quit job

I don't know what to do when someone yells stop

Is it hammer time? Is it in the name of love? Do I collaborate and listen?

After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery.

Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.

I thought you were a ghost, says the relieved teen.

What are you doing working so late?

Oh, those idiots, grumbles the old man. They misspelled my name!

Afraid your kid might be a commie?

Well if he paints one of his bedroom walls red with some yellow stars or a hammer and sickle, that's a huge red flag.


What is the opposite of a seesaw?

A blind hammer.

Sure... when Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer it's "sexy" and "art"

But when I do it I'm "drunk" and need to "get out of Home Depot"

The god of thunder rides to the top of the mountain atop his noble steed.

Upon reaching the summit, he gets off his horse, raises his hammer to the sky and yells, "I am Thor!"

The horse turns around and says, "That'th cuth you forgot your thaddle thilly!"

The worst thing about living next door to MC Hammer is the constant DIY noise.

I shouted 'Stop!' but if anything that made it worse.

(Gary Delaney)

An old blacksmith ...

... realised that soon he would not be able to work so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do." One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard."
Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.

I was wondering why the book about sex I bought had positions like the "hammer and sickle" and "government mandated equality"

Then I realized I was reading the Commie Sutra.

I got hammered last night and woke up next to some fat old lady that was snoring.

So I guess I made it home okay...

My employer has recently started testing their products on animals.

I guess it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't work for a hammer factory.

What kind of toothpaste does Thor use?

Arm and Hammer.

Little Johnny tells his friend, "My grandpa died yesterday."

Friend asks, "Oh, how did that happen?"

Johnny, "He hit his thumb with a hammer."

Friend, "But you can't die of that!"

Johnny, "I know but he wouldn't stop screaming and cursing so we shot him."

This is Hammer, this is Screwdriver, this is The Wrench...

You know The Drill.

Why is it...

That when Miley Cyrus licks a hammer naked it's called 'Music' and 'Art', but when I do it, it's called 'Property Damage' and 'Nudity' and I get kicked out of Home Depot?

The blacksmith hires an apprentice

He instructed the boy, When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer.

The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he's the new village blacksmith

"I see," said the blind construction worker,

As he picked up his hammer and saw

What's the most effective way to get rid of crabs?

Shave half your pubes, light the other half on fire and smash them with a hammer when they come running out.

What do you call a strange hammer?

An abnor-mallet-y!

"I see", said the blind carpenter

As he tripped over his hammer and saw

Why wasn't the hammer allowed to join the party of seven other tools?

Cause he was tool eight.

I was at the hardware store, and an employee asked me if I wanted a ladder or a hammer.

When I said I wanted the latter, I was surprised when the employee brought me a ladder

My friend really sucks at carpentry

He walked into Home Depot thinking he needed a screw.

The employee was trying to explain that he needed a nail, and how it even worked

Friend: So you're telling me I have to strike this thing repeatedly with a hammer?

Employee: Yes, you hit the nail on the head.

The village blacksmith hired an enthusiastic new apprentice

His new apprentice was willing to work long, hard hours.

One day he instructed the boy, When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer.

The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he's the new village blacksmith.

"I see!" says the blind man,

as he picked up his hammer and saw.

Instruction

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad: When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil, and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.

The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he's the village blacksmith.

Somebody must have roofied my drink last night.

I woke up at 4:00 this morning with an irresistible urge to go hammer some shingles.

What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?

Gu-whack-a-mole-e.

A man worked at construction site...

...and is brought to emergency room with concussion and skull fracture.

His wife, furious, comes to hospital.

"What happened?!"

"Well, I asked John to throw me the hammer..."

"And then what?! You didn't catch it?"

"In matter of fact *I did*. But then I remembered we have 3 guys named John working on our site..."

Thor: "I'm going to kill you with my Thor hammer, so prepare to die!"

Antman: "Ha, it's no match for my thorax!"

Back in the day last name said something about your profession...

The Smiths would hammer away creating armor and weapons as blacksmiths. The Fishers would navigate the seas in search as fishermen. And The Dickinsons, well no one really knew what they did.

The Thunder God astride his horse came riding from the sky.

A majestic sight for all to see, a Marvel for the eye!
He held aloft his hammer great, lightning flashed and thunder boomed!
"I AM THOR!" he cried.
His horse replied, "Well you forgot your thaddle, thilly."

If a recipe calls for you to turn off the heat and begin mincing your herbs to add to the dish, that step would be called:

Stop. Hammer thyme.

What's the difference between a watermelon and a babys head?

One's fun to smash with a hammer and the other one tastes good

A stranger gave me a really old metal box...

He said it was supposed to contain gold coins, but the lock and the hinges were so rusty which made it very hard to open. I tried a hammer and a crowbar, but the box just won't budge.

So, I'm thinking of trying to open this box with a stick of dynamite, as a last resort. I'll update you guys later if it works or not.

Doctor, it hurts...

Says the patient with so much pain.

Patient: It hurts when I touch my head.
Doctor: \*Takes a look at the head\*, \*Does MRI\* Well, what else?

Patient: It hurts when I touch my shoulders.

Doctor: \*Takes shoulder x-ray\* Hmmm, is there anything else?

Patient: It hurts when I touch my knees too.

Doctor: \*Does that hammer thingy\* I see. I can conclude now.

Patient: What is it?

Doctor: Your finger is broken.

Whats the difference between my girlfriend and a nail

Only one calls the police if I hit it with a hammer

I don't trust people with a hammer and sickle in their bio.

Big red flag.

Who performed the Imperial Roman version of "Can't Touch This"?

1100 Hammer

How fast was Thor's hammer destroyed in Ragnarok?

Hela fast

I have this great joke about construction

I'm still working on it

Got to hammer out a few kinks

Make sure to nail the delivery

I just don't want to screw it up

Jesus Christ walks into a hotel...

He goes up to the receptionist, hands her three nails and a hammer and asks Can you put me up for the night?

I found a hammer behind McDonalds that I use to smash coins with

I nicknamed it Big Mac but it's really more of a Quarter Pounder.

An Hammer had sex with an Hoe.

They named their baby Homer

Jeffrey Dahmer and Armie Hammer are eating Ronald McDonald

Armie asks, "does this taste funny to you?" Jeffrey responds, "I think it's ginger."

A mother was sitting in the living room when her son came in crying

The mother asked him. "What happened?"

The son said. "Dad was using a hammer and hurt his hand."

The mother smiled and said. "Oh it's okay. There's nothing to cry. In fact you should have just laughed."

The son looked up, tears welling up in his eyes. "Well I laughed...."

The village blacksmith found an apprentice willing to work long and hard.

The blacksmith told the boy, "When I take the shoes out of the fire, I'll lay them on the anvil, and when I nod my head, hit it with the hammer." The apprentice did as he was told.

Now he's the village blacksmith.

Oh sure, when Thor throws a hammer, he's a hero!

But when I do it, I'm "out of control" and "banned from home depot!"

One dark night, two men are walking home after a party and decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.

Right in the middle of the cemetery they are startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they find an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, dude," one says after catching his breath. "You scared us half to death. We thought you were a ghost! What are you doing, working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbles. "They misspelled my name!"

My American Clock

A Russian immigrant comes to America, works hard and is able to buy for his very first home, a condominium apartment. So he throws an all night party with his friends to celebrate. One of his guests notices a hammer and a large metal pot next to one of the walls.

What is that for? he asks.

His host says That is my talking American clock.

Really?...How does it work?

I will show you.

The host takes the metal pot, places it next to the wall and bangs on it with the hammer till the next door neighbor yells: It's three o'clock in the morning you idiot!

How'd the blind carpenter regain his sight?

He just picked up a hammer and saw.

A Russian Joke

People start starving and getting mad at Nikita Khrushchev.

He gets his hammer and breaks the *in case of emergency* glass, inside there are two letters from Stalin.

He opens the first one, it says "Blame everything on me."

This works great. For a while.

Soon, everyone is starving again, and Nikita opens the second letter. It says "Write two letters for your successor."

What do antimatter and MC Hammer have in common?

Can't touch this

My wife texted me on a cold winter morning...

My wife texted me on a cold winter morning, saying "Windows frozen, won't open. "

I texted her back, "gently pour some hot water along the edges, and tap it with a hammer. "

After a few minutes she texted back, "computer is really messed up now. "

I'll never forget my Grandma's final words :

What are you doing in here with that hammer?

A guy runs into the police station and shouts:

"you have to lock me up please, lock me up!"
The office looks at him and asks: "why what did you do?"
The guy:" I hit my wife on the head with a hammer"
The officer:" and she's dead!?"
The guy:"If she died I wouldn't have come here"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the hammer mjolnir jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working hammer mallet piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes