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Hammer And Nail Jokes

79 hammer and nail jokes and hilarious hammer and nail puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about hammer and nail that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Hammer And Nail Short Jokes

Short hammer and nail jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hammer and nail humour may include short nail and screw jokes also.

  1. Some guy called me a tool... So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.
  2. I have this great joke about construction I'm still working on it
    Got to hammer out a few kinks
    Make sure to nail the delivery
    I just don't want to screw it up
  3. A nail walks into a bar and orders a whisky neat. The bartender says "okay, but no getting hammered."
  4. Rumour has it... Rumour has it that Jesus got so hammered on good friday that he didn't wake up for 3 days.
    (Easter Joke... Nailed it.)
  5. Guy calls me names Some guy called me a tool. So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.
  6. Jesus Christ walks into a hotel... He goes up to the receptionist, hands her three nails and a hammer and asks Can you put me up for the night?
  7. Whats the difference between my girlfriend and a nail Only one calls the police if I hit it with a hammer
  8. What did the nail say to the hammer when he got the right answer to the question? You hit the nail on the head!
  9. What's two things that partying Catholics and Jesus Christ have in common? They both get hammered and nailed.
  10. I've heard that if all you have is a hammer, then everything looks like a nail. So I'm going to start carrying a speculum.

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Hammer And Nail One Liners

Which hammer and nail one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hammer and nail? I can suggest the ones about nail and hammer.

  1. some guy told me I was a tool So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend
  2. My brother called me a tool So I got hammered and nailed his wife.
  3. How do nails feel when they are drunk? Hammered.
  4. What happens when a carpenter drinks with his wife? He gets hammered and she gets nailed.
  5. What do nails like to do on the weekend? Get hammered.
  6. A nail walks into a bar And gets hammered.
  7. What did the nail say to the hammer at the bar? "Stop hitting on me!"
  8. What did the hammer say after a job well done? Nailed it.
  9. What did the athlete say after a perfect hammer toss? "Nailed it."
  10. Working with a hammer can be intimidating. They nail it every time.
  11. Why'd the tool go to the bar? He wanted to get hammered and find someone to nail.
  12. I like my girls like my nails Hammered
  13. Chuck Norris can hammer a wall into a nail.
  14. What did the piece of wood say to the nail? I'm board, let's get hammered.
  15. I couldn't figure out how the hammer and nails worked... So I just said "Screw it."

Hammer And Nail Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about hammer and nail you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean nail gun jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hammer and nail pranks.

A duck walks into a pet store and asked the owner if he sold “duck-food” here.
The owner said; “no, I don’t sell duck food here”.
The next day the duck went back to the same pet store, and asked the owner again if he sold “duck-food” here.
The owner became very angry and said; “if you ask me for “duck-food” one more time, I am going to nail your web feet to the floor!”
The duck came back on the third day and asked the owner of the pet store; “do you sell any hammer and nails here?”
The owner answered; “no, I don’t sell any hammer and nails here”.
The duck then asked; “do you sell any “duck-food” here”?

When your only tool is a hammer, all problems start looking like nails.

The Parrot and the Priest

Once there was a priest who owned a Parrot. The priest was about to order gravel for his new driveway and complained loudly about how he didn't have time to order the 15 truckloads that he needed. He left for the church and forgot to lock the parrots cage and the parrot who wanted to help and impress his owner decided to call the gravel company and ordered 50 truckloads of gravel. Later the same week the priest gets home and his driveway is completely covered with gravel so he storms in and asks the parrot "Did you order 50 truckloads of gravel?" the parrot being the wise parrot that he was realized he was in trouble and denied it.
The priest brought in a hammer and some nails, nailed one of the parrots wings to the wall and asked again if he ordered gravel. The parrot continues to deny the charges and soon enough he is entirely nailed to the wall. The priest leaves furiously to try and fix the mess. The parrot looks to his right and sees Jesus hanging there on his own cross and says "Did you also order gravel?"

I took a class in hammering

I nailed it. ( I actually made this up myself)

Seamus and Patrick were building a house.

Seamus was hammering the cladding onto the walls on one side of the house, while Patrick was doing the same on the other side.
After a wee while Seamus begins to notice that Patrick was swearing away a good deal more than he usually did, so he decided to wander over to the other side of the house to see what was wrong.
"Hey, Patrick, what's troubling you so mightily?" asked Seamus.
"Well, you see, it's these nails," said Patrick, gesturing towards the bucket of nails sitting beside him. "A lot of them are faulty. When I pull one out, half the time it's facing the wrong way."
"You idiot, Patrick!" said Seamus. "They're for my side of the house."

101 nails walk into a bar, the bartender says I can't serve you here

because you're already hammered

Two carpenters are nailing up siding...

Two carpenters are nailing up siding one day. The first carpenter grabs a nail from his pouch, examines it, and then tosses it in the trash. He proceeds to grab another nail, examine it, and then hammers it into the siding. He repeats this process several time. Finally the second carpenter turns to him and asks "Why are you doing that?" to which the first carpenter replies "Half of these nails have the head on the wrong end!" The second carpenter says back to him "You idiot! Those are for the other side of the house!"

Saw others translating Russian and Romanian jokes and thought I'd share two Hungarian ones (but be warned, Hungarian humor is terrible)

György had a headache and asked his friend for advice, and his friend said he could cure the headache by hammering a nail into the place it hurt. So he lined up the nail and was getting ready to hit when he saw György cringing. "What are you scared of?" the friend asked, and György replied, "I'm scared that you'll miss!"
---------------
A man says to a woman, "I wish you would bring your smile over to my place."
The woman replies, "Aren't you a ladies' man!"
And the man replies, "No, I'm a dentist."
---------------
Still reading? You're crazy! Okay, here's a "bonus" one.
An electrician enters the room in the hospital where they keep the patients on life support and he calls out, "Take a deep breath, everyone! I need to change a fuse!"

Want to play carpenter, were we both get hammered and I nail you?

ahaa

Variations of a nail joke. (Heard at a Ren Faire, modified)

The Goldman Nails company is trying to bolster business. They start a contest to create an advertisement for the business. The first submission is from an older lady.
It starts with a man with a beard in a white robe hammering away at wood. The shot pulls back to reveal an massive wooden ship and the figure turns and says "I'm Noah and I use Goldman Nails."
The second submission is from an elderly gentleman. It opens with a king sitting surrounded by men working on a great temple. The king says "I am king Solomon and all of my men wisely use Goldman Nails."
The last submission was by little Johnny. It opens on a desert. A man runs across the screen. He has a crown of thorns on this head and blood is coming out of his side. It is clearly Jesus. He runs off and two Roman Centurions run into focus. They look at each other; winded, one says to the other "We should have used Goldman's nails"

Sven And olaf

Sven and Olaf are repairing the roof on the barn, Olaf hammers a few nails, then throws one over his shoulder, pounds a few more and throws another away. He keeps doing this till Sven sees him and asks "Olaf vhy do you keep trowing avay the nails?" Olaf replies " ah there are so many facing the wrong vay" "ufda!" Sven yells " Vad Fan? pucko, they are for the odder side of the roof!!"

Motel Deal

My wife and I were travelling cross country when we stopped in a tiny town for the night. There was only one motel.
I walked into the office and asked the clerk, "How much for one night?"
He answered, "Sixty dollars."
"Sixty dollars?" I shouted. "Don't you have anything cheaper?"
"Sure," he said. "You can get a room for half price if you don't mind making your own bed."
I agreed that this was fine.
So they put us in a room with a pile of lumber and a hammer and some nails...

A hammer and a Nail cost $1.10

The hammer is a dollar more than the nail, how much is does the nail cost?

A duck walks into a bar and asks "Got any grapes?"

Bartender says "What? Grapes? No, this is a bar, not a fruit store. Get out, duck"
Next day the duck comes back, "Got any grapes?"
Bartender says "d**... duck, I told you to get out. Quit coming here asking for grapes or I'm going to nail your beak to a barstool.
Next day the duck comes back, "Can I borrow a hammer?"
Bartender is furious, "What's with you duck? Does this look like a hardware store? It's a bar! I don't have any hammers here!"
Duck grins, "Good. Got any grapes?"

What's the difference between a catholic girl and Jesus?

Jesus was old enough when he got hammered and nailed.

Drinking is like carpentry...

You get hammered then do
a-nail

I walked in on a man nailing my wife against the wall....

So I grabbed another hammer and gave him a hand

An Irish Mexican teenager starts a job as a builder..

Only one hour into his first job he tries to hammer a nail with a screwdriver. The boss spots this and walks over to let him know he's doing it wrong. "You've got a lot to learn young p**... Juan".

2 blondes are hammering nails into the side of a garage...

One of them has a problem. She holds each nail in place, but ends up tossing every other one on the ground. Finally she says "Hey, half of these nails are bad - the sharp end is pointing away from the wall!"
The other blonde replied "You idiot, those are for other side of the building!"

Price of 2x4's : 9$. Price of some nails: 3.50$. Price of a hammer:15$

The world after a Crucifixion: Christless.

What did the inventor of the hammer say?

**Nailed it.**

I asked my dad if I can start fencing soon...

He said "Sure son!" and gave me a hammer and a nail.

A mathematician and an engineer got a task:

They were given a plank with two nails; one hammered half way and one hammered all the way. There were asked to remove the nails from the plank.
The engineer didn't think much of it, grabbed pliers and quickly took both nails out.
The mathematician after some thought said:
"The case with nail hammered all the way in is more interesting, so I'm going to start with it"
After long battle he managed to use a lever and get the nail out.
"Ok, the second case we can easily reduce to already solved one"
...and then he hammered the remaining nail all the way in.

My friend really s**... at carpentry

He walked into Home Depot thinking he needed a screw.
The employee was trying to explain that he needed a nail, and how it even worked
Friend: So you're telling me I have to strike this thing repeatedly with a hammer?
Employee: Yes, you hit the nail on the head.

Why doesn't Jesus remember losing his virginity?

He was most likely nailed and hammered that day

A nail walks into a bar...

What would you like? The bartender asked.
And so the nail ordered many drinks. After a great many drinks the bartender went to approach the nail again and advice him to go home. To his surprise the nail was nowhere to be seen. Naturally, the bartender leaned over the counter to see the nail buried within the floorboards.
My, what's happened here? The bartender asked.
I'm hammered, the nail replied.

So this guy gets a nail stuck in his head...

... it's because he was hammered.

I just finished my carpentry exam. I got 80% for drilling, 90% for planing, but 100% for hammering!

Nailed it!

When all you have is a hammer, all your problems look like nails.

When you also have a sickle, they all look like capitalism.

Hammer: Imma nail you.

*Hammer swings and misses.*
Nail: What a tool.

A hammer did a job interview.

He nailed it.

Two blondes are building a house

As they're hammering away, one blonde notices that the other is discarding every other nail she picks up.
Blonde 1: What are you doing?!
Blonde 2: These nails are no good. The pointy part is on the wrong end.
Blonde 1: You d**...! Those are for the other side of the house!

A Rabbit entered a shop and asked: "Do you have carrots?".

They said, "no we don't have carrots. " The following day the rabbit came to the shop and asked again, "Do you have carrots?" They replied again, "no we don't have carrots" On the third day the rabbit came and asked for carrots again but this time they replied " We said we don't have carrots, if you come back again asking for carrots, we gonna screw a nail in your head with a hammer!" The following day the rabbit came yet again and asked, "Do you have a hammer? They replied, "NO." the rabbit then asked, "What about nails?" They said, "NO." Then the rabbit finally asked, "Do you have carrots?"

A flustered carpenter holding a hammer entered a premise. The ladies in there gaped. Finally, the lady at the counter asked: "What's up?"

"Thought this was a nail salon..." he muttered, before hurrying off.

In church they tell you not to drink or have premarital s**...

Yet Jesus got hammered and nailed in a single weekend.

A school teacher invited a Native American to give a presentation to his students about their culture

After discussing history, traditions and lifestyle, the conversation turned to language.
"One of the interesting things about our language," he said, "is that there are no cuss words."
"But then what do you say if you are hammering a nail and accidentally hit your finger?" asked a student.
"In that case," he replied, "we use your language."

I was painting my nails earlier when I heard my boss yell at me from across the room.

He said For f**...'s sake, will you stop painting the d**... things and just hammer them into the d**... wall

A rookie carpenter is on his first day of a new job...

The foreman greets him at the job site and tells him his first task will be to nail some sheathing on a roof. The rookie grabs a hammer and nails and gets to work.
The foreman watches the rookie work for a while, and when he's finished he calls him over. The foreman says, "I think your nickname in this jobsite will be 'lightning'." The rookies face lit up, and he asked, "Why's that? Am I faster than everybody else?"
The foreman shakes his head and says, "No, it's because you never strike twice in the same place ."

A couple not-so-bright carpenters are framing a house.

Worker A notices worker B is wasting a lot of nails. He'll pull one out, hammer it in, pull another and toss it, toss another, then hammer one in. And this goes on for a bit.
Worker A says to worker B, hey, how come you keep tossing dem nails?
Worker B responds, they're defective; they got da point on the wrong end!
Worker A says, you idiot, those are for the other side of the house!