Hamburger Jokes

What are some Hamburger jokes?

Why does a 6 oz hamburger have less energy than a 6 oz steak?

Because the hamburger is in the ground state.

A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a beer.

Bartender says,"Sorry, we don't serve food here."

Bar Handjob

A guy walks into a bar and is greeted by a female bartender. On the wall he sees a menu that reads:

- Cheese sandwich 1.50
- Hamburger 2.50
- Handjobs 10.00

Quickly, the man checks his wallet to see how much money he has.

He asks the bartender: "Are you the one who gives the handjobs around here?"

With a wink and a sexy smile she replies in a sultry voice "Why yes, I am."

The man says "Well, go and wash your hands because I'm ready for a cheese sandwich!"

A man walks into a bar, and begins reading the menu overhead the smoking hot bartender.

The sign reads as follows:


* Nachos $4


* Hamburger $3


* Hotdog $2


* Grilled Chicken Sandwich $3


* Grilled Cheese $2


* Fries, Onion Rings, and Tater Tots $1.50


* Handjob $10


After he looks over the menu for a moment he asks the bartender, "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?" "Why yes I am." replies the bartender seductively. Then says the man, "Wash your hands! I'd like a hamburger."

How did the hamburger introduce his daughter?

Meet Patty.

Americans may be ignorant of other cultures...

But at least we invented the hamburger

A man walks into a library...

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Hello, I'd like a hamburger please."

The librarian says, "Sir, this is a library."

The man apologizes, then whispers ^"I'd ^like ^a ^hamburger ^please."

A biker walks into a bar...

...and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.

He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:

Hamburger - 2.99

Cheeseburger - 3.99

Chicken Sandwich - 4.99

Hand Jobs - 19.99

The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a sexy little smile. The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger."

A crusty old biker walls into a bar..

..and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.


He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:


Hamburger - 2.99

Cheeseburger - 3.99

Chicken Sandwich - 4.99

Hand Jobs - 19.99


The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a sexy little smile.


The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger."

How did the hamburger introduce his girlfriend?

Meat patty.

Poor elderly couple in fastfood restaurant

A Poor elderly couple walk into a fastfood restaurant and order one value meal. They quietly go to their table And the man gets a knife and cut the hamburger in half, gets a plastic cup, And proceed to equally divide the drink that came with the menu drop by drop. He then divide the fry's one by one so they both get exactly the same amount.

Another costumer noticed this and gets to the couple: "It seems you can't afford to get a meal for both. I be happy to buy you an additional meal". The man replies: "No its OK. we are used to sharing. We share everything since we are together.", and the costumer go back to his table but still observe the couple.

He sees how the man drinks half of their drink.
He sees how the man eats his part of the fry's
and he sees how the man eat his half of the hamburger, he noticed his wife haven't eat a single bite.

He goes back to the couple and ask the wife:"Well what are you waiting for?",

The wife replied:"the teeth"

On a whim, I bought a snake yesterday at the local pet store...

Last night, I attempted to feed it a freshly grilled hamburger.
Just the patty, no bread.
The thing is, he wouldn't eat it.
As it turns out,
my anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, Hun.

What do you say to someone with a degree in art?

Hamburger and fries, please.

What's the difference between new and old hamburger meat?

One is ground beef and the other is browned grief.

A guy goes into a restaurant with his pet snake...

...and they sit down and the man orders.

"25 Hamburgers. Two for me, and the rest for my pet snake."

A little while later, the waitress brings the man his two hamburgers, and for the snake, a large plate with 23 cooked beef patties, nothing more.

The snake takes one look at the patties and turns away in disgust. The man asks the waitress, "You have to put them on hamburger buns like a regular hamburger for him."

The waitress protests, "But sir, we're short on hamburger buns as it is, and can snakes even eat bread?"

The man replies, "Look, my anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hun."

So a man owns a pet giraffe...

...and one day decides that he is peckish. So he goes down to his local McDonalds, giraffe in tow. He decides that he will have a hamburger; he buys one for the giraffe too. Then decides he's still hungry, so he has some fries. Again, the giraffe gets the same. The man then decides he is thirsty, and the giraffe and the man have a milkshake each. Satisfied, the man leaves with the giraffe. However the mixture has taken its toll on the giraffe, which falls down with a bad stomach. Upon seeing this the owner steps out of the restaurant and shouts, "Hey! Ya can't leave that lyin' there!" to which the man replies, "It isn't a lion! It's a giraffe!"

A guy walks into a library...

and says to the librarian, "I'll take a hamburger and fries."

The librarian looks at him and says, "This is a library, you idiot."

The man says, "Oh sorry!" and whispers, "I'll take a hamburger and fries."

A Panda Walks Into a Bar

A panda walks into a bar and orders a beer and a hamburger. After he eats he stands up, stretches, and pulls out a gun. He proceeds to shoot everyone in the room but the bartender. The panda puts $20 on the bar and turns to leave. As he walks out the door the bartender asks why the panda shot everyone. The panda tells him to look in the encyclopedia. The bartender looks up panda and he reads "Panda: Large black and white mammal native to China. Eats shoots and leaves."

Hopefully not a repost, but one of my all time favorites

So a man on a long trip decides to stop at a bar. He walks in, sits down at the bar and looks at the menu.

Soda: $1
Beer: $2
Hot Dog: $2.50
Hamburger: $3
Cheeseburger: $4

Then the man notices something at the very bottom of the menu..

Hand Jobs: $5

The man is a little confused, but then the bartender comes out, a stacked, beautiful blonde. She goes to him and asks "you like anything on the menu?" the man responds "are you the one that gives the hand jobs?" she smiles, "why yes I am" so the man says "ok, well wash your hands because I want a cheeseburger"

My uncle was in the navy, stationed on an aircraft carrier.

One day during inspection he had a ketchup stain on his shirt. This had the natural punishment of kitchen duty.

That night he reported and there was a big, fat, sweaty man in a wife beater making hamburger patties for dinner the next night. He'd pick up a handful of beef, put it into his armpit and flatten it into a patty.

My uncle was absolutely disgusted as they had hamburgers every Thursday for his 2 year deployment. While he was curled over a trash can trying to control his stomach the chef pipes up:

"If you think that's bad you oughta be here the day we make donuts"

A guy walks into a diner and sees the fry cook, with one arm, making hamburger patties by smashing meat under his armpit...

The guy complains to his waiter that using his armpit to make burger patties is the grossest thing a fry cook could ever do to prepare food.

The waiter responds, I assure you it's not. In the morning he makes donuts.

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders his meal........

The waitress brings his meal to him, and he takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see the cook. The waitress takes him back to the kitchen and he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!, and starts to gag. The waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

Biker walks into a bar...

A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.

He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:
Hamburger - 2.99
Cheeseburger - 3.99
Chicken Sandwich - 4.99
Hand Jobs - 19.99

The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a sexy little smile.

The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger."

A herd of masturbating cattle is called Beef Stroganoff, but what do you call it when they do it to each other?

Hamburger Helper

A hamburger and some fries walk into a bar

The bartender looks up and says, "we don't serve food here."

A man walks into a burger joint

He sees a really pretty blonde lady working behind the counter. He looks at the menu, which reads

-Hamburger: $2.00
-Cheeseburger: $2.50
-Handjob:$25.00

He thinks for a second, then asks the woman "Are you the one that gives handjobs?"
She smiles and replies "I am."
"Great. Wash your hands. I want a burger."

My kids were very excited to learn how to make a hamburger.

They seemed to lose interest after I cut the cow's throat.

How can you tell if a hamburger was grilled in space?

It's a little meteor.

How many vegans does it take to eat a hamburger?

It depends if anyone is looking.

A hamburger and an order of french fries goes into a bar......

the bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

Why did the Hamburger and the Steak fight?

They had some beef

Where did the hamburger go to dance?

The Meatball

We all were laughing

It was all laugh and giggles until we realised that the stutterer wanted a hamburger.

How do you call it when you help someone make a hamburger?

A co-whopperation.

A hamburger walks into a bar

The bartender stares him down, and says *"We don't serve food here!"*

What did the hamburger name his daughter?

Patty

Two guys go into a diner...

The waitress comes up and says, "What'll ya have."
The first man says, I'll have a hamburger.
The waitress lifts one arm, pulls a patty out of her armpit, lifts the arm and pulls a bun out of the other armpit.
She turns to the second guy, "What'll you have?"
The second guy says, "I was thinking of having a hot dog but I've changed my mind."

Where do all the bad hamburger buns live?

In the seedy part of town

How do you make a hamburger laugh?

Pickle it gently.

What do you call a frozen hamburger?

A ham-brrr-ger.

my 7yo claims she made it up herself.

How do we know that steak has more energy than hamburger?

Because hamburger is in the ground state.

1.What is Bruce Lee's favorite beverage?

WATAAAH!

2.What is Bruce Lee's favorite hamburger?
WHOPPAH!

3.Which hotel does Bruce Lee stay overnight?
HYAAAAATT!

Why did hamburger go to the gym?

To get better buns.

A hot dog and a hamburger...

A hot dog and a hamburger are having a drink at the bar. The hot dog says, "I've got some bad news for you and I can either sugar coat it, or give it to you straight." The hamburger replies, "Please--Beef Frank."

What did the cow say to the hamburger?

Chuck, not you too!

I went to the food court today.

And in the case of Pizza V Hamburger, the judge ruled in favor of the plantiff.

A man walked into a restaurant on a slow night...

...and sat down. He seemed unsure what to order.

The waiter asked him if he wanted a hamburger, and he said, "No thanks, I tried it once but I didn't like it."

So the waiter responded, "Well would you like a pizza?" but the man answered, "No, I tried it once but I didn't like it"

The waiter wanted to know if he'd like to eat a steak, and again the man replied, "No, I tried it once but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting on my son."

The waiter said, "Your only child, I assume?"

Give a man a hamburger . . .

you will feed him for a day. Lend a man a hamburger and he will gladly pay you Tuesday.

I was grilling, and dropped a hamburger patty

Now it's ground beef

What do you call frozen hamburger patties?

Burrrrrrgers.

Kevin is woken up for school.

Kevin is woken up by his mother.
"Rise and shine, Kevin! Time to go to school!"

"But mom, I don't want to get up."

"No, you're getting up now, no excuses."

"Name me two good reasons for why I should get up now and go to school.."

"First of all: You're 54. And second of all, you're the principal!"

*Source: Hamburger Abendblatt issue #124*

Why couldn't the computer process the hamburger?

It only had one byte.

How do you build a hamburger house?

From the ground up.

My dad used to roadie for Meatloaf...

He called himself a hamburger helper.

Did you hear about the chef that got kicked out of the comedy cook out?

Apparently he only brought hamburger puns.

What is Bruce Lee's favorite hamburger?

WHOPPAAAHHH

When I was a kid, my dad would give me $5 and tell me to get groceries. I would come back with 2 jugs of milk, 2 dozen eggs, 1lb cheeze, 1lb Hamburger, 2 loafs of bread, and a half pound of butter.

But now a-days security has gotten better you just can't steal that much anymore.

An old lady walks in a dinner and seats where she can see the cook, and asks the waiter for a hamburger.

He says "ok, hamburger." The old lady sees the cook stick the hamburger meat under his arm and slaps it on the grill. The old lady says,"Oh my God that is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen!" The waiter says, That's nothing you should see how he makes Donuts.

For you science nerds, Have you heard of Cole's Law?

It goes good with a hamburger.

My 7 y/o pal told me this.

What does the hamburger say when you ask it a question?

Zero.

Because hamburgers are round, like a zero.

What do you call hamburger in India ?

God

What did the homeless guy eat after he dropped his hamburger?

Ground beef

How to make Hamburger jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Hamburger to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Hamburger? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Hamburger pick up lines to share with friends.

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