Halloween Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween

I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.

I got so fed up with the trick-or-treaters last Halloween that I turned off the lights and pretended I wasn't home.















































My lighthouse, my rules.

Anyone need a slutty costume for Halloween?

Just dress up as one of my professors, they barely cover anything

Planning on wearing a slutty costume for Halloween?

Dress up as my professors, they barely cover anything important.

Why do programmers get confused between Halloween and Christmas?

Because
OCT 31 = DEC 25

A guy goes to a halloween party with a girl on his back.

The host asks him, "And what are you?"
The guy says, " I'm a snail."
The host says "And who's that on your back?"
"That's Michelle!"

A man goes to a Halloween party dressed up as a chicken and he meets a girl dressed up as an egg.

The answer is the chicken.

For Halloween I'm dressing up as a plate.

Girls love to do dishes.

Halloween Party (NSFW)

A young lady was invited to a Halloween party, and upon arrival she notices a man wearing nothing but a glass jar on his penis... Intrigued, she approaches the man and asks what he's dressed as.

"A fireman" he replies

"Fireman? How so? You're only wearing a glass jar." She says

"Exactly. Break the glass, pull the knob, and I'll come as fast as I can"

I went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken. Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered

The chicken

A guy dressed as a Chicken for Halloween finds a girl dressed as an egg.

Apparently the answer is Chicken.



(

Another Halloween joke

There's a costume party, and this guy shows up dressed in nothing but a pair of jeans. The host yells at him: "You were supposed to dress up man, and you just show up shirtless?"

The guy replies: "I'm a premature ejaculation. I just came in my pants."

A guy goes to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken and meets a girl dressed as an egg.

The answer is the chicken.

I saw the girl i had sex with on Halloween yesterday

I don't know why she was still dressed up as a guy though...

Happy Halloween... Why did the Ghost enter the bar...

For the BOOOOS

So to celebrate the Halloween season...

... I was going to go to a 200 year old building that was apparently set up with shriveled up old corpses, dangerous bandits, bloodsucking vampires, hellbent soulless demons, and the like. But it turns out the Capitol Building is closed for tours until a budget resolution is reached.

What do rednecks do on Halloween?

Pump-kin.

A couple are getting ready for a Halloween party.

The wife walks out with only a lemon hanging over her snatch. The husband takes one look and storms off to the kitchen and return with a potato on his dong. The wife says "what the hell" and the husband replies "well shit, if you're going as a sour puss then I'm going as a dictator"

I was going to be a politician for Halloween

Then I realized I couldn't fit my head up my ass

Man goes to a Halloween party in nothing but his underwear and a woman strapped to his back.

His friend sees him and says, "Hey, what are you meant to be?"

"Oh, I'm dressed as a turtle" he replies

His friend responds, "A turtle? How are you a turtle? Who's that woman on your back?"

The man replies, "oh, that's just Michelle"

Why do programmers get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?

Because Oct31 = Dec25

For Halloween I've got a job making plastic Draculas

There's only two of us working here so I have to make every second count.

I went as a congressional bill for Halloween....

I stayed in the House and didn't do anything.

I went to a Halloween party dressed as a harp

The host asked me: What are you?

Me: Oh, I'm dressed as a harp.

Host: Your costume is too short to be a harp

Me: Are you calling me a lyre?

A man goes to a halloween party...

...in nothing but his underwear and a woman on his back.

His friends see him and ask,

"Hey man, what are you meant to be?"
He replies, "I'm a turtle."
His friends respond, "A turtle? How are you a turtle? Who's that woman on your back?"
The man replies, "Oh, that's just Michelle."

This Halloween I decided to go as a harp. As I walked into the party, a gentleman asked, "what are you supposed to be?"

"A harp", I replied.
"No, no. You're much too small to be a harp" he protested.
So I asked, "are you calling me a lyre?"

A guy walks into a Halloween party wearing nothin but jeans...

The host says "Hey man, I'm really glad you could make it, but I don't get your costume." The guest says "Oh, I'm a premature ejaculation. I just came in my pants."

For Halloween this year, I'm gonna be a dish.

Because bitches do dishes.

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when Sylvester Stallone wanted to dress up as classical composers for Halloween?

"You be Beethoven, I'll be Bach."

Halloween Joke

This guy goes to a Halloween costume party, but he's just wearing street clothes, and he has his girlfriend sitting on his shoulders.

The host says to him, Dude, this is a Halloween party! You're supposed to be wearing a costume?

The guy replies, I am wearing a costume! I'm a snail!

You're a snail?

Yeah, I'm a snail, says the guy. Then he points to his girlfriend and says, This is Michelle.

I'm dressing as the Republican healthcare bill for Halloween.

I won't be leaving the house.


(Heard this on the podcast Fake the Nation and thought you all would like it.)

Halloween Party

A man walks into a Halloween party with no shirt on, only wearing a pair of jeans.

The host says, Well, Steve, this is a costume party.

The man responds, I'm in costume. I'm a premature ejaculation.

The host asks, how's that?

I just came in my pants.

I killed a vampire last Halloween

...or a kid. Either way, the wooden stake worked.

Why do programmers always mix up Christmas and Halloween?

DEC 25 == OCT 31

What does a redneck do on Halloween?

Pumpkin

My halloween costume this year is a period...

I'll show up late and scare the shit out of everyone

I see why Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate Halloween,

They must dislike random people coming up to their doors.

A Halloween joke for you.

Little Johnny is out trick or treating on Halloween dressed as a pirate. He walked up to a house and said "trick or treat". The little old lady just gushed over his costume. She says to Johnny, "What a cute costume, but let me ask you....Where are your buccaneers?" Little Johnny says back, "They're under my buckin hat lady."

What do hillbillies do on Halloween?

Pump kin.

A Halloween Limerick

A lady vampire named Mable

Had a period that was awfully stable.

So once a full moon

She took out her spoon

And drank herself under the table.

On Halloween, a little boy dressed as a pirate.

He went up to a house and rang the doorbell. A man answered and said, "Well I'll be, a pirate! But where are your buccaneers?
The little boy replied, "Under my buckin' hat."

Why is Halloween a hillbilly's favorite holiday?

Because they like to pumpkin.



I'll see myself out...

What is a pedophiles favorite part about Halloween?

Free delivery.

Best joke I have heard in a few months... let's see if I can do it justice!

A guy enters a Halloween party just in his pants.

Guy 1: what are you dressed as?
Guy 2: I came as pre mature ejaculation!
Guy 1: okay? Why don't you have a shirt or shoes?
Guy 2: well, I just came in my pants!

Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas

Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

Jehovas witnesses don't celebrate Halloween

I guess they don't appreciate random people turning up at their doors.

Why do engineers mix up Halloween and Christmas?

Because OCT 31=DEC 25

If you are not in love on Valentine's Day, don't worry.

You don't have to be dead on Halloween, either.

Halloween at a Hospital.

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.

He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."

THE GOVINATOR

Jean Claude Van Dam, Steven Segal, and Arnold Schwarzenagger all decide to go out trick-or-treating as musical composers for Halloween. They go into a costume store and look for masks. Jean Claude sees a costume that he likes and says, "I think I'll go as Beethoven." Steven Segal sees a costume that grabs his attention and says, "I'll be Mozart." Arnold had a tough time finding a costume that he liked, but he eventually found one that appeased his interest. He picks up a costume and said, "I'll be Bach."

Why do computer programmers confuse Halloween with Christmas?

Because Oct31 = Dec25

This one's a groaner for sure, but still fun. Happy Halloween!

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...
when behind him, he hears
Bump...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man sprints toward his home, the casket bouncing
quickly behind him
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket
clapping-clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and.......

The coffin stops

Halloween in Jamaica

It's Halloween in Jamaica and some friends are organising a costume party. Everyone's told that the theme of the party is Moods and Feelings.

One the night itself, there's a knock on the door and when the host opens it, standing on the porch are two guys, completely naked, except for the fact that one guy has his cock buried inside a pear and the other is balls deep in a bowl of custard.

The host looks at them before asking, "Guys, what the fuck have you come dressed as??"

One of the guys smiles and says "Mon, I've come in Despair and he's fucking Disgusted"

Why does Gandalf never dress as a pimp for halloween?

Because he doesn't want to be taken as a conjurer of cheap tricks.

Michelle

On Halloween, a man shows up to his friend's costume party in the nude carrying a woman on his back. His friend answers the door and shockingly asks, "what are you supposed to be?!"

The man says, "I'm a snail."

With an obvious look of disdain on his face, his friend asks, "well, who is she?"

The man answers, "Michelle."

Mozart, Beethoven, and Schwarzenegger are getting ready to throw a Halloween party. Mozart turns to Arnie and asks, "what's your costume going to be?"

"I'll be Bach"

Why don't Jehovah's witnesses celebrate Halloween?

They don't appreciate strangers coming up to their door.

My friend asked me what I was being for Halloween, and I said "Nothing."

He said "No, that's what you are in real life, you have to wear a costume."

Thank god for dollar shave club

Now I can afford to put razors in all the Halloween candy.

My friend asked what he should dress his 1 yr old daughter up as for halloween.

I told him a giant steak with a tiara on. He didnt get it, he asked "why would my daughter be steak?"

I told him, no a giant Miss Steak

One Dark Halloween Night........

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap- tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?" "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

You go to a Halloween party wearing nothing but blue jeans. When someone asks you who you are, you reply, "I'm a premature ejaculator."

You see, I just came in my pants.

"Credit goes to some dudes post on something earlier, couldn't find it to give him credit. Thought it was too funny not to share."

Why couldn't the bee dress as a ghost for Halloween?

Because people are offended by seeing Boo Bees.

What are the funniest halloween jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Halloween? Well, here are the best Halloween puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Halloween pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes