Gather Around for Heartwarming Halloween Jokes and Uplifting Humor
Thank god for dollar shave club
Now I can afford to put razors in all the Halloween candy.
Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween
I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.
I got so fed up with the trick-or-treaters last Halloween that I turned off the lights and pretended I wasn't home.
My lighthouse, my rules.
Anyone need a s**... costume for Halloween?
Just dress up as one of my professors, they barely cover anything
For Halloween I've got a job making plastic Draculas
There's only two of us working here so I have to make every second count.
A Halloween joke for you.
Little Johnny is out trick or treating on Halloween dressed as a pirate. He walked up to a house and said "trick or treat". The little old lady just gushed over his costume. She says to Johnny, "What a cute costume, but let me ask you....Where are your buccaneers?" Little Johnny says back, "They're under my buckin hat lady."
My friend asked what he should dress his 1 yr old daughter up as for halloween.
I told him a giant steak with a tiara on. He didnt get it, he asked "why would my daughter be steak?"
I told him, no a giant Miss Steak
This one's a groaner for sure, but still fun. Happy Halloween!
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...
when behind him, he hears
Bump...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket b**... its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man sprints toward his home, the casket bouncing
quickly behind him
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket
clapping-clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud c**... the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and.......
The coffin stops
What do h**... do on Halloween?
Pump kin.
Mozart, Beethoven, and Schwarzenegger are getting ready to throw a Halloween party. Mozart turns to Arnie and asks, "what's your costume going to be?"
"I'll be Bach"
Why couldn't the bee dress as a ghost for Halloween?
Because people are offended by seeing Boo Bees.
You can explore halloween wrappers reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean halloween festive dad jokes. There are also halloween puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
So to celebrate the Halloween season...
... I was going to go to a 200 year old building that was apparently set up with shriveled up old corpses, dangerous bandits, bloodsucking vampires, hellbent soulless demons, and the like. But it turns out the Capitol Building is closed for tours until a budget resolution is reached.
Happy Halloween... Why did the Ghost enter the bar...
For the BOOOOS
A Halloween Limerick
A lady vampire named Mable
Had a period that was awfully stable.
So once a full moon
She took out her spoon
And drank herself under the table.
Michelle
On Halloween, a man shows up to his friend's costume party in the n**... carrying a woman on his back. His friend answers the door and shockingly asks, "what are you supposed to be?!"
The man says, "I'm a snail."
With an obvious look of disdain on his face, his friend asks, "well, who is she?"
The man answers, "Michelle."
I killed a vampire last Halloween
...or a kid. Either way, the wooden stake worked.
Why is Halloween a h**...'s favorite holiday?
Because they like to pumpkin.
I'll see myself out...
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when Sylvester Stallone wanted to dress up as classical composers for Halloween?
"You be Beethoven, I'll be Bach."
THE GOVINATOR
Jean Claude Van Dam, Steven Segal, and Arnold Schwarzenagger all decide to go out trick-or-treating as musical composers for Halloween. They go into a costume store and look for masks. Jean Claude sees a costume that he likes and says, "I think I'll go as Beethoven." Steven Segal sees a costume that grabs his attention and says, "I'll be Mozart." Arnold had a tough time finding a costume that he liked, but he eventually found one that appeased his interest. He picks up a costume and said, "I'll be Bach."
Halloween Joke
This guy goes to a Halloween costume party, but he's just wearing street clothes, and he has his girlfriend sitting on his shoulders.
The host says to him, Dude, this is a Halloween party! You're supposed to be wearing a costume?
The guy replies, I am wearing a costume! I'm a snail!
You're a snail?
Yeah, I'm a snail, says the guy. Then he points to his girlfriend and says, This is Michelle.
What do r**... do on Halloween?
Pump-kin.
Why does Gandalf never dress as a p**... for halloween?
Because he doesn't want to be taken as a conjurer of cheap tricks.
What does a r**... do on Halloween?
Pumpkin
Why do computer programmers confuse Halloween with Christmas?
Because Oct31 = Dec25
For Halloween I'm dressing up as a plate.
Girls love to do dishes.
I went as a congressional bill for Halloween....
I stayed in the House and didn't do anything.
A guy dressed as a Chicken for Halloween finds a girl dressed as an egg.
Apparently the answer is Chicken.
Why do programmers always mix up Christmas and Halloween?
DEC 25 == OCT 31
Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas
Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
I went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken. Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered
The chicken
A guy goes to a halloween party with a g**... his back.
The host asks him, "And what are you?"
The guy says, " I'm a snail."
The host says "And who's that on your back?"
"That's Michelle!"
My friend asked me what I was being for Halloween, and I said "Nothing."
He said "No, that's what you are in real life, you have to wear a costume."
On Halloween, a little boy dressed as a pirate.
He went up to a house and rang the doorbell. A man answered and said, "Well I'll be, a pirate! But where are your buccaneers?
The little boy replied, "Under my buckin' hat."
I'm dressing as the Republican healthcare bill for Halloween.
I won't be leaving the house.
(Heard this on the podcast Fake the Nation and thought you all would like it.)
This Halloween I decided to go as a harp. As I walked into the party, a gentleman asked, "what are you supposed to be?"
"A harp", I replied.
"No, no. You're much too small to be a harp" he protested.
So I asked, "are you calling me a lyre?"
I saw the girl i had s**... with on Halloween yesterday
I don't know why she was still dressed up as a guy though...
A man goes to a Halloween party dressed up as a chicken and he meets a girl dressed up as an egg.
The answer is the chicken.
I went to a Halloween party dressed as a harp
The host asked me: What are you?
Me: Oh, I'm dressed as a harp.
Host: Your costume is too short to be a harp
Me: Are you calling me a lyre?
Why do programmers get confused between Halloween and Christmas?
Because
OCT 31 = DEC 25
If you are not in love on Valentine's Day, don't worry.
You don't have to be dead on Halloween, either.
I dressed up as a gifted kid for Halloween.
When my neighbors asked what I was supposed to be, I sadly replied, "I was supposed to be a lot of things..."
Without a mask on, I shopped at a store that had a strict mask policy.
Before leaving, I asked the security guard why he let me shop without a cover and he said that Halloween masks are acceptable too. :\_(
Did you hear they're cancelling Halloween this year?
Because nobody would wear a mask.
After trick-or-treating on Halloween, a teen takes a shortcut through a cemetery.
Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man chipping away at a headstone. "I thought you were a ghost," says the relieved teen. "What are you doing working so late?" "Oh, those idiots," grumbles the old man. "They misspelled my name!"
What do Jeffrey Epstein and Halloween decorations having common?
They don't hang themselves.
Happy Early Halloween!
Bought the ex wife some crotchless p**... for Halloween...
Nothing s**..., just to give her a better grip on the broomstick.
For Halloween I was going to dress up as the rising Covid cases
But that doesn't seem to scare anyone
Why did the spider get on the computer?
To check his website.
This is my son's favorite joke and he wanted me to post it for Halloween.
I always get Halloween and Valentine's Day confused.
They're both about candy and being something you're not.
halloween joke
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Ah, October! Almost time for Halloween. This season reminds me of how I met my wife. I went to a costume party, and saw her across the room. Standing there all thin and tall and gorgeous next to her fat friend. They'd come to the party together dressed as the number ten," he tells the bartender. "That's when I knew, she was the one."
I saw a skeleton being yelled at by his girlfriend. I was surprised to see that he was calm.
When I asked him how he could stay so calm, he said, Nothing can get under my skin.
(Little Halloween joke for y'all!)
I saw my son eating chocolate even after I confiscated all his Halloween candy. I asked him where he got that from.
He said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."
TodayI discovered that Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate halloween...
I guess they don't appreciate random people knocking on their doors
Why do computer scientists always confuse Christmas and Halloween?
Its cause DEC 25 = OCT 31
I was working in a factory making plastic Draculas for Halloween.
There was only 2 of us on the production line so I had to make every second count
What do people in Alabama like to do for Halloween?
Pump-kin
I thought of going as a bandaid this Halloween, but then decided against it.
It's really hard to pull it off.
I'm going as c**... for Halloween.
That way someone will do me in the bathroom.
Joke from my 8 year old daughter for Halloween.
Why didn't the ghost like to take showers?
Because it would dampen his spirits.
A Halloween joke I made up when I was 12: What did Dracula name his boat?
The Blood Vessel
A guy walks into a bar
A guy walks into a bar during the town's annual Halloween celebration. "I'd sure like to try out that giant corn maze they set up, but I'm afraid I'd get lost and kill half the day in there," the guy tells the bartender. "There is actually a guide you can hire that will take you through the entire labyrinth in just 60 seconds," the bartender reassures him. "It's a minute tour."
A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey...
The bartender gives him one, looks at him head to toe, and asks, "So, what did you dress up for this Halloween?"
The man replies, "A nine-carbon chain".
The bartender chuckles and says, "A nine-carbon chain with alcohol?"
"Yeah, any problem with that?"
"No, nonanol"
Studying chemistry right now and thought of this one. Y'all enjoy Halloween now!
A guy walks into a bar on Halloween
A guy dressed in regular street clothes walks into a bar on Halloween and orders a beer. "I'm here for the costume party," he tells the bartender. The bartender looks him up and down, taking in his ordinary clothing and no makeup or wig. "What are you supposed to be?" the bartender asks. "I'm a werewolf," the guy replies. "How's that? You're not dressed up at all," the bartender says. "Well, it's not a full moon tonight, now is it Mr. Smart Guy?" the guy replies.
How did one vampire give COVID to the other one?
By coffin on him!
Happy Halloween :)
I just found out that Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween.
I guess they don't like random strangers showing up at their door.
Got sent home from work for my Halloween costume..
Apparently, being a brillo pad was too abrasive for some people.
I swapped the wrappers around on my wife's Halloween candy.
She didn't appreciate the joke at all. Now she's got her Snickers in a Twix over it.
A guy walks into a bar
"Haven't seen you in a while. Did you have a good Halloween?" the bartender asks. "Sure did. My wife and I dressed up as Peruvian Owls," the guy tells the bartender. "We were Inca hoots."
A friend of mine worked at a production line for a toy factory, producing Dracula dolls. Shortly before Halloween, demand was high, but he only had one colleague.
So he had to make every second Count.
Last Halloween, my friend Lucy dressed up like a cat burglar on a jewel heist.
Lucy….in disguise with diamonds.
Why did Kevin McCarthy go as a microphone for Halloween?
Because he couldn't be a speaker.
In 2023 we're not calling them Halloween costumes anymore...
It's *occultural appropriation*
