The Best 70 Halloween Jokes
Following is our collection of funniest Halloween jokes. There are some halloween costume jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these halloween ghouls puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Funny Halloween Jokes and Puns
Thank god for dollar shave club
Now I can afford to put razors in all the Halloween candy.
Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween
I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.
I got so fed up with the trick-or-treaters last Halloween that I turned off the lights and pretended I wasn't home.
My lighthouse, my rules.
Anyone need a slutty costume for Halloween?
Just dress up as one of my professors, they barely cover anything
For Halloween I've got a job making plastic Draculas
There's only two of us working here so I have to make every second count.
A Halloween joke for you.
Little Johnny is out trick or treating on Halloween dressed as a pirate. He walked up to a house and said "trick or treat". The little old lady just gushed over his costume. She says to Johnny, "What a cute costume, but let me ask you....Where are your buccaneers?" Little Johnny says back, "They're under my buckin hat lady."
My friend asked what he should dress his 1 yr old daughter up as for halloween.
I told him a giant steak with a tiara on. He didnt get it, he asked "why would my daughter be steak?"
I told him, no a giant Miss Steak
This one's a groaner for sure, but still fun. Happy Halloween!
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...
when behind him, he hears
Bump...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man sprints toward his home, the casket bouncing
quickly behind him
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket
clapping-clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and.......
The coffin stops
What do hillbillies do on Halloween?
Pump kin.
Mozart, Beethoven, and Schwarzenegger are getting ready to throw a Halloween party. Mozart turns to Arnie and asks, "what's your costume going to be?"
"I'll be Bach"
Why couldn't the bee dress as a ghost for Halloween?
Because people are offended by seeing Boo Bees.
You can explore halloween wrappers reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean halloween festive dad jokes. There are also halloween puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
So to celebrate the Halloween season...
... I was going to go to a 200 year old building that was apparently set up with shriveled up old corpses, dangerous bandits, bloodsucking vampires, hellbent soulless demons, and the like. But it turns out the Capitol Building is closed for tours until a budget resolution is reached.
Happy Halloween... Why did the Ghost enter the bar...
For the BOOOOS
What do they do in West Virginia for Halloween?
Pump Kin
A Halloween Limerick
A lady vampire named Mable
Had a period that was awfully stable.
So once a full moon
She took out her spoon
And drank herself under the table.
Michelle
On Halloween, a man shows up to his friend's costume party in the nude carrying a woman on his back. His friend answers the door and shockingly asks, "what are you supposed to be?!"
The man says, "I'm a snail."
With an obvious look of disdain on his face, his friend asks, "well, who is she?"
The man answers, "Michelle."
I killed a vampire last Halloween
...or a kid. Either way, the wooden stake worked.
Why is Halloween a hillbilly's favorite holiday?
Because they like to pumpkin.
I'll see myself out...
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when Sylvester Stallone wanted to dress up as classical composers for Halloween?
"You be Beethoven, I'll be Bach."
THE GOVINATOR
Jean Claude Van Dam, Steven Segal, and Arnold Schwarzenagger all decide to go out trick-or-treating as musical composers for Halloween. They go into a costume store and look for masks. Jean Claude sees a costume that he likes and says, "I think I'll go as Beethoven." Steven Segal sees a costume that grabs his attention and says, "I'll be Mozart." Arnold had a tough time finding a costume that he liked, but he eventually found one that appeased his interest. He picks up a costume and said, "I'll be Bach."
Halloween Joke
This guy goes to a Halloween costume party, but he's just wearing street clothes, and he has his girlfriend sitting on his shoulders.
The host says to him, Dude, this is a Halloween party! You're supposed to be wearing a costume?
The guy replies, I am wearing a costume! I'm a snail!
You're a snail?
Yeah, I'm a snail, says the guy. Then he points to his girlfriend and says, This is Michelle.
What do rednecks do on Halloween?
Pump-kin.
Terminator, RoboCop, & Optimus Prime are all together thinking of their next costume for Halloween...
when RoboCop says "We should all be classical musical composers; I'll be..Beethoven!".
Optimus Prime agrees and says "alright - I'll be..Mozart!".
Terminator stands up and says "I'll be Bach!".
Why does Gandalf never dress as a pimp for halloween?
Because he doesn't want to be taken as a conjurer of cheap tricks.
What is a pedophiles favorite part about Halloween?
Free delivery.
If you eat too many salted pretzels on Halloween, what happens the next day?
November thirst.
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he was invited to a classical musician theme Halloween party?
I'll be Bach.
What does a redneck do on Halloween?
Pumpkin
Not the egg!
Last night, I went to a Halloween party. I showed up dressed as a chicken and met a girl who was dressed as an egg.
One thing led to another and a question of the ages was discovered. IT WAS THE CHICKEN!
Why do computer programmers confuse Halloween with Christmas?
Because Oct31 = Dec25
For Halloween I'm dressing up as a plate.
Girls love to do dishes.
I went as a congressional bill for Halloween....
I stayed in the House and didn't do anything.
A guy dressed as a Chicken for Halloween finds a girl dressed as an egg.
Apparently the answer is Chicken.
Why do programmers always mix up Christmas and Halloween?
DEC 25 == OCT 31
You go to a Halloween party wearing nothing but blue jeans. When someone asks you who you are, you reply, "I'm a premature ejaculator."
You see, I just came in my pants.
"Credit goes to some dudes post on something earlier, couldn't find it to give him credit. Thought it was too funny not to share."
Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas
Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
I went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken. Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered
The chicken
A guy goes to a halloween party with a girl on his back.
The host asks him, "And what are you?"
The guy says, " I'm a snail."
The host says "And who's that on your back?"
"That's Michelle!"
What do hillbillies do for Halloween?
Pumpkin
My friend asked me what I was being for Halloween, and I said "Nothing."
He said "No, that's what you are in real life, you have to wear a costume."
On Halloween, a little boy dressed as a pirate.
He went up to a house and rang the doorbell. A man answered and said, "Well I'll be, a pirate! But where are your buccaneers?
The little boy replied, "Under my buckin' hat."
I don't have any money, so for Halloween this year I am going to be
evicted
I'm dressing as the Republican healthcare bill for Halloween.
I won't be leaving the house.
(Heard this on the podcast Fake the Nation and thought you all would like it.)
This Halloween I decided to go as a harp. As I walked into the party, a gentleman asked, "what are you supposed to be?"
"A harp", I replied.
"No, no. You're much too small to be a harp" he protested.
So I asked, "are you calling me a lyre?"
I saw the girl i had sex with on Halloween yesterday
I don't know why she was still dressed up as a guy though...
A man goes to a Halloween party dressed up as a chicken and he meets a girl dressed up as an egg.
The answer is the chicken.
I went to a Halloween party dressed as a harp
The host asked me: What are you?
Me: Oh, I'm dressed as a harp.
Host: Your costume is too short to be a harp
Me: Are you calling me a lyre?
Why do computer scientists confuse halloween with christmas?
Because
Oct 31 = Dec 25
Why do programmers get confused between Halloween and Christmas?
Because
OCT 31 = DEC 25
If you are not in love on Valentine's Day, don't worry.
You don't have to be dead on Halloween, either.
A joke from work
Four famous actors get together and decide to dress up as famous artists for Halloween.
Leonardo DiCaprio says he'll go as Da Vinci since they have the same first name.
Tom Cruise says he'll go as Van Gogh so they have two painters.
Bill Murray says he'll go as Beethoven since he likes his music.
Arnold Schwarzenegger just looks at them and says "I'll be Bach."
I dressed up as a gifted kid for Halloween.
When my neighbors asked what I was supposed to be, I sadly replied, "I was supposed to be a lot of things..."
Without a mask on, I shopped at a store that had a strict mask policy.
Before leaving, I asked the security guard why he let me shop without a cover and he said that Halloween masks are acceptable too. :\_(
Did you hear they're cancelling Halloween this year?
Because nobody would wear a mask.
After trick-or-treating on Halloween, a teen takes a shortcut through a cemetery.
Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man chipping away at a headstone. "I thought you were a ghost," says the relieved teen. "What are you doing working so late?" "Oh, those idiots," grumbles the old man. "They misspelled my name!"
What do Jeffrey Epstein and Halloween decorations having common?
They don't hang themselves.
Happy Early Halloween!
Bought the ex wife some crotchless panties for Halloween...
Nothing sexual, just to give her a better grip on the broomstick.
On Halloween don't wear a dinosaur costume in bad neighborhoods.
You'll get Jurasskicked.
For Halloween I was going to dress up as the rising Covid cases
But that doesn't seem to scare anyone
Why did the spider get on the computer?
To check his website.
This is my son's favorite joke and he wanted me to post it for Halloween.
My mate said There's only one thing that about Halloween that scares me.
I asked Which is?
Exactly! he replied.
I always get Halloween and Valentine's Day confused.
They're both about candy and being something you're not.
I got so sick of trick-or-treaters on Halloween night that I turned off all the lights and pretended I wasn't home.
My lighthouse, my rules.
What is a skeletons favorite snack?
Ribs.
My son wanted me to post this one too!
Happy Halloween!
Wanna know what I am for Halloween?
Alone
Halloween trick or treaters knocked my door, dressed as Gloria Gaynor
At first I was afraid, I was petrified...
What do Alabamian families do on Halloween?
Pumpkin
Last Halloween I was driving my son around and we ran into a fire hydrant.
Probably the worst costume I've ever seen.
Why can't software developers distinguish between Halloween and Christmas?
Because OCT 31 == DEC 25
(hint: octal and decimal are numerical bases 8 and 10 respectively, happy holidays!)
There is only one thing I don't like about Halloween
Which is
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the halloween hallow jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working halloween one dark halloween night piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.