Halloween Jokes
Following is our collection of wrappers humor and costume one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Halloween puns for adults, dirty festive jokes or clean ghouls gags for kids.
There is an abundance of hallow jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 63 funniest jokes on halloween. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any one dark halloween night witze you can hear about halloween.
The Best jokes about Halloween
Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween
I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.
I got so fed up with the trick-or-treaters last Halloween that I turned off the lights and pretended I wasn't home.
My lighthouse, my rules.
Anyone need a slutty costume for Halloween?
Just dress up as one of my professors, they barely cover anything
After trick-or-treating on Halloween, a teen takes a shortcut through a cemetery.
Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man chipping away at a headstone. "I thought you were a ghost," says the relieved teen. "What are you doing working so late?" "Oh, those idiots," grumbles the old man. "They misspelled my name!"
Why do programmers get confused between Halloween and Christmas?
Because
OCT 31 = DEC 25
A guy goes to a halloween party with a girl on his back.
The host asks him, "And what are you?"
The guy says, " I'm a snail."
The host says "And who's that on your back?"
"That's Michelle!"
A man goes to a Halloween party dressed up as a chicken and he meets a girl dressed up as an egg.
The answer is the chicken.
For Halloween I'm dressing up as a plate.
Girls love to do dishes.
I went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken. Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered
The chicken
A guy dressed as a Chicken for Halloween finds a girl dressed as an egg.
Apparently the answer is Chicken.
I saw the girl i had sex with on Halloween yesterday
I don't know why she was still dressed up as a guy though...
Happy Halloween... Why did the Ghost enter the bar...
For the BOOOOS
So to celebrate the Halloween season...
... I was going to go to a 200 year old building that was apparently set up with shriveled up old corpses, dangerous bandits, bloodsucking vampires, hellbent soulless demons, and the like. But it turns out the Capitol Building is closed for tours until a budget resolution is reached.
What do rednecks do on Halloween?
Pump-kin.
Without a mask on, I shopped at a store that had a strict mask policy.
Before leaving, I asked the security guard why he let me shop without a cover and he said that Halloween masks are acceptable too. :\_(
For Halloween I've got a job making plastic Draculas
There's only two of us working here so I have to make every second count.
I went as a congressional bill for Halloween....
I stayed in the House and didn't do anything.
I went to a Halloween party dressed as a harp
The host asked me: What are you?
Me: Oh, I'm dressed as a harp.
Host: Your costume is too short to be a harp
Me: Are you calling me a lyre?
I dressed up as a gifted kid for Halloween.
When my neighbors asked what I was supposed to be, I sadly replied, "I was supposed to be a lot of things..."
This Halloween I decided to go as a harp. As I walked into the party, a gentleman asked, "what are you supposed to be?"
"A harp", I replied.
"No, no. You're much too small to be a harp" he protested.
So I asked, "are you calling me a lyre?"
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when Sylvester Stallone wanted to dress up as classical composers for Halloween?
"You be Beethoven, I'll be Bach."
Halloween Joke
This guy goes to a Halloween costume party, but he's just wearing street clothes, and he has his girlfriend sitting on his shoulders.
The host says to him, Dude, this is a Halloween party! You're supposed to be wearing a costume?
The guy replies, I am wearing a costume! I'm a snail!
You're a snail?
Yeah, I'm a snail, says the guy. Then he points to his girlfriend and says, This is Michelle.
I'm dressing as the Republican healthcare bill for Halloween.
I won't be leaving the house.
(Heard this on the podcast Fake the Nation and thought you all would like it.)
I killed a vampire last Halloween
...or a kid. Either way, the wooden stake worked.
Why do programmers always mix up Christmas and Halloween?
DEC 25 == OCT 31
What does a redneck do on Halloween?
Pumpkin
A Halloween joke for you.
Little Johnny is out trick or treating on Halloween dressed as a pirate. He walked up to a house and said "trick or treat". The little old lady just gushed over his costume. She says to Johnny, "What a cute costume, but let me ask you....Where are your buccaneers?" Little Johnny says back, "They're under my buckin hat lady."
What do hillbillies do on Halloween?
Pump kin.
A Halloween Limerick
A lady vampire named Mable
Had a period that was awfully stable.
So once a full moon
She took out her spoon
And drank herself under the table.
On Halloween, a little boy dressed as a pirate.
He went up to a house and rang the doorbell. A man answered and said, "Well I'll be, a pirate! But where are your buccaneers?
The little boy replied, "Under my buckin' hat."
Why is Halloween a hillbilly's favorite holiday?
Because they like to pumpkin.
I'll see myself out...
What is a pedophiles favorite part about Halloween?
Free delivery.
Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas
Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
If you are not in love on Valentine's Day, don't worry.
You don't have to be dead on Halloween, either.
THE GOVINATOR
Jean Claude Van Dam, Steven Segal, and Arnold Schwarzenagger all decide to go out trick-or-treating as musical composers for Halloween. They go into a costume store and look for masks. Jean Claude sees a costume that he likes and says, "I think I'll go as Beethoven." Steven Segal sees a costume that grabs his attention and says, "I'll be Mozart." Arnold had a tough time finding a costume that he liked, but he eventually found one that appeased his interest. He picks up a costume and said, "I'll be Bach."
Why do computer programmers confuse Halloween with Christmas?
Because Oct31 = Dec25
This one's a groaner for sure, but still fun. Happy Halloween!
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...
when behind him, he hears
Bump...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man sprints toward his home, the casket bouncing
quickly behind him
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket
clapping-clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and.......
The coffin stops
Why does Gandalf never dress as a pimp for halloween?
Because he doesn't want to be taken as a conjurer of cheap tricks.
What do Jeffrey Epstein and Halloween decorations having common?
They don't hang themselves.
Happy Early Halloween!
Michelle
On Halloween, a man shows up to his friend's costume party in the nude carrying a woman on his back. His friend answers the door and shockingly asks, "what are you supposed to be?!"
The man says, "I'm a snail."
With an obvious look of disdain on his face, his friend asks, "well, who is she?"
The man answers, "Michelle."
Mozart, Beethoven, and Schwarzenegger are getting ready to throw a Halloween party. Mozart turns to Arnie and asks, "what's your costume going to be?"
"I'll be Bach"
My friend asked me what I was being for Halloween, and I said "Nothing."
He said "No, that's what you are in real life, you have to wear a costume."
Thank god for dollar shave club
Now I can afford to put razors in all the Halloween candy.
My friend asked what he should dress his 1 yr old daughter up as for halloween.
I told him a giant steak with a tiara on. He didnt get it, he asked "why would my daughter be steak?"
I told him, no a giant Miss Steak
One Dark Halloween Night........
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap- tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?" "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
Did you hear they're cancelling Halloween this year?
Because nobody would wear a mask.
You go to a Halloween party wearing nothing but blue jeans. When someone asks you who you are, you reply, "I'm a premature ejaculator."
You see, I just came in my pants.
"Credit goes to some dudes post on something earlier, couldn't find it to give him credit. Thought it was too funny not to share."
Why couldn't the bee dress as a ghost for Halloween?
Because people are offended by seeing Boo Bees.
Why do computer scientists confuse halloween with christmas?
Because
Oct 31 = Dec 25
I don't have any money, so for Halloween this year I am going to be
evicted
What do they do in West Virginia for Halloween?
Pump Kin
If you eat too many salted pretzels on Halloween, what happens the next day?
November thirst.
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he was invited to a classical musician theme Halloween party?
I'll be Bach.
A joke from work
Four famous actors get together and decide to dress up as famous artists for Halloween.
Leonardo DiCaprio says he'll go as Da Vinci since they have the same first name.
Tom Cruise says he'll go as Van Gogh so they have two painters.
Bill Murray says he'll go as Beethoven since he likes his music.
Arnold Schwarzenegger just looks at them and says "I'll be Bach."
Terminator, RoboCop, & Optimus Prime are all together thinking of their next costume for Halloween...
when RoboCop says "We should all be classical musical composers; I'll be..Beethoven!".
Optimus Prime agrees and says "alright - I'll be..Mozart!".
Terminator stands up and says "I'll be Bach!".
Not the egg!
Last night, I went to a Halloween party. I showed up dressed as a chicken and met a girl who was dressed as an egg.
One thing led to another and a question of the ages was discovered. IT WAS THE CHICKEN!
What do hillbillies do for Halloween?
Pumpkin
Old joke for Halloween. Why do witches not wear panties?
For better grip on the broom
I was thinking about going as a band-aid for Halloween...
But I decided against it. It would be too hard to pull off.
What did the jalapeno dress up as for Halloween?
A Ghost Pepper.
What did the spoon dress up as to the Halloween party?
A cereal killer.
For Halloween, our daughter is dressing up as joke telling jack-o'-lantern.
She's our little pun-kin.
Why do witches go commando when riding around on their brooms?
Better grip.
Happy Halloween :)
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.