Hall Jokes

For Halloween I've got a job making plastic dracula

There's only two of us working here so I have to make every second count.

A Halloween joke for you.

Little Johnny is out trick or treating on Halloween dressed as a pirate. He walked up to a house and said "trick or treat". The little old lady just gushed over his costume. She says to Johnny, "What a cute costume, but let me ask you....Where are your buccaneers?" Little Johnny says back, "They're under my buckin hat lady."

This Halloween on the East Coast

I heard a lot of people are going to be the Scorpions this Halloween.
Because we're gonna get rocked like a hurricane.

Halloween is for dressing up as something you're not.

That's why most girls go as something s**....

A man walks into a dentist's office and says "Doctor, you have to help me! I think I'm a moth!"

The dentist says, "I think you want the psychiatrist down the hall."
And the man replies, "Yeah, but your light was on."

My Favorite Stalin Joke

Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes. "Who sneezed?" Silence. "First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot, and he asks again, "Who sneezed, Comrades?" No answer. "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot too. "Well, who sneezed?" At last a sobbing cry resounds in the Congress Hall, "It was me! Me!" Stalin says,
"Bless you, Comrade!"

Last Halloween

Last Halloween, I went to a costume party. I spot a guy dressed in a monkey costume with a jar of peanut butter in one hand and a chocolate bar in the other. I asked him what he was dressed as, and he replied, "Me? I am a Reese's Monkey."

A Halloween Limerick

A lady vampire named Mable
Had a period that was awfully stable.
So once a full moon
She took out her spoon
And drank herself under the table.

Picabo Street is a former World Cup alpine ski racer and model. When she was inducted into the National Ski Hall of Fame in 2004, her home town of Triumph, Idaho dedicated an entire wing of the local hospital to her.

It's called the Picabo ICU.

I've been having hallucinations lately.

I'm getting better though; I'm starting to see a psychiatrist.

Where is h**...'s bathroom?

Down ze hall on ze Third r**...!

Why is Halloween a h**...'s favorite holiday?

Because they like to pumpkin.
I'll see myself out...

In a hospital

A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation.
A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"
He said, "I heard the nurse say, It's a very simple operation, don't worry. I'm sure it will be all right."
"She was just trying to comfort you. What's so frightening about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"

Foreplay

After the first week of s**... education class, a young shapely teen stormed out of the room after the class was over. Encountering a female friend in the hall, the friend asked, "Lori, what in the world is the matter with you? You look as if you're about to kill someone." "I am !!!" Lori fumed. "You just wait until I catch up with that Dennis. All summer long, that clown had me convinced that 'foreplay' involved tossing a coin for position."

comeback is real!

A professor and a fool
A professor was walking along a very narrow hall when he came face to face with a rival.
The passage way was too narrow for two to pass.
The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said with a sneer,
I never make way for fools!
Smiling, the Gracious Professor stepped aside and with a bow replied, I Always Do.

Halloween Joke

This guy goes to a Halloween costume party, but he's just wearing street clothes, and he has his girlfriend sitting on his shoulders.
The host says to him, Dude, this is a Halloween party! You're supposed to be wearing a costume?
The guy replies, I am wearing a costume! I'm a snail!
You're a snail?
Yeah, I'm a snail, says the guy. Then he points to his girlfriend and says, This is Michelle.

On Halloween I like to go to the store and buy apples and razorblades just to see the look on the clerk's face.

This Halloween, I put a potato in my pants and ordered people around.

I was a dictator.

A nurse is making her rounds through the halls of a hospital with a r**... thermometer tucked behind her ear...

As she goes to each room she gets plenty of strange looks from each of the patients, but none of them say anything. She finally walks past a doctor in the hall who stops her and asks "what's that you've got behind your ear?" she pulls it out and looks at in surprise, then exclaims "d**...! Some a**...'s got my pencil!"

The Violin Ensemble playing in Carnegie Hall somehow got an R-18 rating...

The censors say it contains explicit scenes of violins encore.

Two classical musicians had s**... for the first time together.

Woman: "That's a pretty small o**... you're playing down there."
Man: "Well, I didn't know I would be performing in Carnegie Hall tonight."

Got trapped in a bidding war for a house with a lengthy corridor

I'm in it for the long hall

For Halloween, our daughter is dressing up as joke telling jack-o'-lantern.

She's our little pun-kin.

Jimmy Saville, rolf Harris and Stuart Hall walk into a pub in Ireland

The barman says "Not Yewtree again"

Halloween is coming up. This is the best time to teach your kids about taxes and social security...

Take away 30% of their Halloween candy and promise them you'll give part of it back in 70 years!

For halloween I'm dressing up as a plate.

Girls love to do dishes.

I went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken, and hooked up with a girl dressed as an egg. Things happened but in the end, we answered a life-long question...

The chicken came first.

A dad sends his son to his room

"Go to your room!" Dad exclaimed, frustrated at his son's behavior.
"Jim Morrison is overrated!" yelled the son as he stormed down the hall.
The dad yelled furiously, "What did I tell you about slamming The Doors?!"

Progressives are enraged, conservatives are cautiously optimistic, but no group is more excited than the Imagineers of Disney.

For the first time in the history of the Hall of Presidents, they have a shot at making an audioanimatronic more realistic than the original.

A small town has a factory which produces coffee scented skin creme.

The trucks which transport the cream are causing so much traffic in the small town that the mayor holds a town hall meeting to find a solution. The residents eventually vote to move the cream by train.
So there was a local motion for mocha lotion locamotion.

At the Hallmark store

"Do you sell sympathy cards?" I asked at the Hallmark store.
"Yes we do." replied the clerk.
"Good," I said, "could I exchange this 'Get Well Soon' card for one?"

I went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken. Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered

The chicken

Retraction

The following headline appeared in the daily newspaper and threw the city hall into an uproar: "Half the city council are crooks."
A retraction in full was demanded of the editor under the threat of a libel suit. Next afternoon, the headline read, "Half the city council aren't crooks."

A Scientist is with his peer

The peer asks the scientist, "What are you working on?"
The scientist says, "Its amazing. I taught a dog how to communicate to humans with morse code!"
The two walk down the hall to see the dog and the scientist gives the dog a command. The dogs taps his paw on the ground with intervals of time creating letters in morse code.
The peer says, "What is he saying?"
The scientist says, "Woof."

A student busts into a lecture hall right as the professor is finishing his lecture

The student says professor sorry I'm late, do you mind summarising the lecture for me in 2 minutes.
The professor says, No need son, it will all be on the exam

Met an older woman at a bar last night.

She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and flirted a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had a mother and daughter combo? I said no.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight is my lucky night.
I went back to her place.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:

"Mom, you still awake?"

I went to a Halloween party and saw two people wrapped in a barcode.

I asked them " Are you two an item?"

On Halloween, a little boy dressed as a pirate.

He went up to a house and rang the doorbell. A man answered and said, "Well I'll be, a pirate! But where are your buccaneers?
The little boy replied, "Under my buckin' hat."

What are you going to be for Halloween?

Working.

Halloween trick or treat

I remember a story from last year. I was sat in my living room when I heard a small knock at the door. As I opened the door there was a little boy dressed as the Predator, with his dad. I asked "and who are you meant to be?" kneeling down to give him a sweet, "a child Predator" his dad responds. "What a coincidence" I thought.

Which Halloween costume has the hardest time getting to third base?

The Headless horseman

This Halloween I decided to go as a harp. As I walked into the party, a gentleman asked, "what are you supposed to be?"

"A harp", I replied.
"No, no. You're much too small to be a harp" he protested.
So I asked, "are you calling me a lyre?"

I'm going to the Halloween party at my office today as President Hillary Clinton

I'm not going to show up.

This Halloween I'm going as a s**... accountant

You know, it's the thot that counts

I can't believe people's Halloween decorations are still up...

Halloween is 364 days away, guys

p**... was at the doctor's office the other day..

He said to the doctor "Doc, I'm half deaf all of a sudden. I'm having trouble hearing."
The doctor replied "Right, we'll test if you're half deaf or not. Go out and stand in the room at the end of the hall and I'll shout a number and if you can hear it, shout it back."
p**... walked out and into the room.
The doctor shouted "88!"
p**... replied "44!"

A man really needs to go to the bathroom

A: Do you know the way to the bathroom?
B: Yeah, walk down this hall and to the left.
A: Is there a faster way?
B: Sure, run down this hall and to the left.

I went to a Halloween party dressed as a harp

The host asked me: What are you?
Me: Oh, I'm dressed as a harp.
Host: Your costume is too short to be a harp
Me: Are you calling me a lyre?

For a Halloween party I dressed up as a piece of bread

couldn't keep the birds away from me ;)

Last Halloween i dressed up as Julius Caesar, and my friends ditched me

Talk about getting stabbed in the back

Three brothers moved to America from China.

The brothers names were Chu, Bu, and Fu. These brothers decided they wanted more American sounding names so they went to City Hall to change them.
Chu decided to go by Chuck, Bu decided to go by Buck, and Fu went back to China.

A woman I had been seeing told me after we had s**... for the first time, "I didn't know you had such a small o**...."

I told her, "I didn't know I was going to be playing Carnegie Hall."

A man and a woman are lying in bed after a disappointing round of s**...

The woman says, "You have a very small o**...."
To which the man replies, "Well, I didn't expect to be playing Carnegie Hall."

A woman visited her doctor for her annual exam. The doctor asked, Are you and your husband s**... active? Yes, we have verbal s**... everyday. the woman answered. Verbal s**...? I think you mean o**... s**...! the doctor laughed. No, I mean verbal s**.... the woman persisted.

Every morning my husband and I pass each other in the hall and say, 'Fuck you!'"

A ship discovers a lost island in the South Pacific

To their surprise, the ship's company find the remains of a shipwreck there, a couple of decades old, and a single survivor, a Welsh mariner who has busied himself building an exact replica of a Welsh village, complete with a town hall, a pub, a rugby pitch, and two chapels.
"...Two chapels?" asks the ship's captain, and the castaway's face darkens as he nods in the direction of one of the chapels: "That's the one I don't go to."

At a hypnosis show

A hypnotist was hypnotising a group of people in an auditorium using a pendulum.
Suddenly, the pendulum fell and the hypnotist said "s**...!"
And it took three days to clean the hall.

A woman went to the doctor's office and seen by one of the new young doctors.

After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

On Halloween don't wear a dinosaur costume in bad neighborhoods.

You'll get Jurasskicked.

For Halloween I was going to dress up as the rising Covid cases

But that doesn't seem to scare anyone

This Halloween, I waited all day for my friend to meet me at the play park

What kind of friend says Let's go see Saw and doesn't turn up?

I met an older woman at a bar last night.

She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and bullsh*tted a bit, then she asked if I 'd ever had a mother and daughter t**...?
I said no.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
I went back to her place.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:
"Mom you still awake?"

I always get Halloween and Valentine's Day confused.

They're both about candy and being something you're not.

Halloween trick or treaters knocked my door, dressed as Gloria Gaynor

At first I was afraid, I was petrified...

A man is being examined by his doctor.

He hears a voice down the hall, yelling.
"Polio! Diphtheria! Measles! Chicken pox!"
Alarmed, he asks his doctor what's going on.
"Don't worry," the doctor says. "That's just our head nurse. She likes to call the shots around here."

A mushroom goes into the hall of bad jokes and says I'd like to submit a joke of my people

The receptionist looks at him and says listen buddy we have so many bad jokes here that I'm not sure we can squeeze yours in. It has to be exceptionally bad, let me hear it.
Mushroom: so a shroom goes on a date with this girl and she says 'tell me about yourself' and he says 'well I'm a fungi!'
Receptionist: yeah that jokes bad but it's just not gonna cut it, we can't put it in,
We don't have mushroom.

Police in Belfast have now been given permission to shoot people who break the curfew.

p**... and m**..., have been put at the top of Belfast City Hall and are ordered to shoot anyone after the 8pm curfew.
The first night they are looking out at 7.45pm and m**... takes his gun and shoots a man.
"What are you doing m**..." said p**..., "It's only a quarter to eight!"
"That was wee Jimmy, I know where he lives, he would never have made it home in time."