Halfway Jokes

What are some Halfway jokes?

An elderly couple are at the cinema...

About halfway through the film, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'

He replies, 'You should put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

An Elderly Couple

An elderly couple Pauline & Frank were recently attending a church service at their retirement village.

About halfway through the service, Pauline took a pen and paper out of her purse, and wrote a note and handed it to Frank.

The note said:" I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

Frank scribbled back: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

I used Redbull instead of water to brew my coffee today

Got halfway to work, realized I forgot my car.

Dear Brits: We have received your ultimatum and have scrounged for the ransom...

...but we could only come up with half.

Feel free to him back halfway and we'll wire the funds. Thanks, the US

After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery.

Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.

I thought you were a ghost, says the relieved teen.

What are you doing working so late?

Oh, those idiots, grumbles the old man. They misspelled my name!

The other day, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall.

About halfway down he turned and sneered at me, and I thought, "That's a little condescending."

Why are Italians so good at football?

Because it involves changing sides halfway through.

Why do italians love soccer?

Because halfway through they get to switch sides

Two good friends go golfing

Two good friends go golfing and they come up on two women who are moving like molasses. One guy says that he'll go up and ask if they can play through. When he's half way to the women, he freezes, turns around and comes back pretty pale.
"Sorry man, I can't do it! One's my wife and the other my mistress!"

The other guy says he'll ask instead. Halfway to the women he suddenly stops turns around and comes back shaking his head. "Small world bro!"

My crush told me that I was like a brother to her while we were in the car...

We were driving to New York at the time, and about halfway up the east coast she told me I was like a brother to her. She was surprised when I proceeded to turn the car around and drive the other way without even acting phased. She asked "where are we going now?" My only answer was "Alabama."

I'm halfway through becoming a stand up comedian

I can stand up, now all I need is comedy

I was browsing Craigslist the other day, when I came across someone who wanted to learn how to make macaroni.

Being a master macaroni maker myself, I responded to his offer, and we set up a time and place to meet so I could teach him. When we met up, he took one look at me, and he told me that I didn't look like someone who could even make halfway decent macaroni. "Sir", I assured him, "I promise I'm a master of my Kraft."

I'm halfway towards my goal of becoming filthy rich.

Now I just have to have to figure out the rich part.

I didn't sleep so well last night...

So this morning I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.

I made it halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

Two sperms swimming

Two sperms swimming through a girls body. After a while one sperm looks at the other and says"we've been swimming forever! How much farther until we hit the ovaries?" The other sperm starts laughing and replies " ovaries?! We're not even halfway down the esophagus yet!"

Did you hear about the hotel that's only for guys with big dicks?

It's called the Halfway Inn.

The school year is like a burrito.

Once you're halfway through you want to give up because everything's just falling apart.

This morning I mixed redbull with coffee to help me wake up.

I got about halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

So I'm trying to get myself to be ambidextrous.

I'm halfway there!

I'm proud to announce my dream of being a criminal lawyer is halfway complete!

I'm just working on the lawyer part right now.

Midwestern joke I heard years ago...

State officials in Ohio are trying to pass legislation to change the name of the town, Mechanicsburg, to Engagement. When asked why, one official commented that it made clear sense because the town is halfway between Dayton and Marion.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded on an island

they can see land in the distance, and decide to swim for it.

The redhead goes first, gets 1/4 of the way there, gets tired and swims back.

The brunette manages to swim 1/3 of the way there, but gets tired and swims back.

The blonde is able to swim halfway, but gets tired and returns to the island.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island

The brunette decides to try to swim to another island with more people on it. She can only swim 1/8 of the way, so she swims back. The redhead tries the same, but only makes it 1/4 of the way. The blonde makes it halfway, gets tired and swims back.

Protesting dirty jokes

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."

So a man gets on a plane...

...he finds his seat and realizes he's sitting none other than the pope. The man is Catholic and greets the pope with:

"His Holiness".

The pope welcomes him and then goes back to his crossword. The man is nervous, worrying about doing something to offend the leader of his religion. About halfway through the flight the pope leans over and asks:

"would you happen to know a 4 letter word for a girl that ends in U-N-T?"

The man almost loses it. Of course the c word jumps to the front of his mind. He pauses, turning white while searching his mind for a better word. In a flash it comes to him:

"AUNT!!!" he exclaims.

The pope responds:

"Of course! Would you happen to have an eraser?"

A blonde was attempting to swim across the English channel.

But she got tired halfway, and swam back.

Does anyone know where Engagement, Ohio is?

About halfway between Dayton and Marion

A man walks into a restaurant...

and sits down at the bar. He orders a bowl of chili, but the waiter tells him the man next to him got the last bowl. He looks over and sees that the other guy has a full bowl of chili and is just staring at it.
He says, "If you're not going to eat that, can I have it?"
The other guy tells him to go ahead, so he takes the chili and starts eating it. About halfway finished with it, his fork hits something hard in the chili. He sees it's a dead rat and throws up in the bowl.
The guy next to him says, "That's as far as I got too."

As told by my Russian wife

A man is at a bar. He sees a good looking woman, but she's a little older. Maybe in her 40s. He goes up to her and starts a conversation.

Halfway through she seems interested and asks an interesting question. She asks how he feels about a little mother-daughter action.

The man is intrigued. She is nice enough by herself, but her daughter must be amazing. He agrees and they go back to her place.

They enter the house and go upstairs. The lady knocks on a door and gently whispers:

"Mom, are you awake?"

A penguin takes a road trip

A penguin decided to take a road trip. Halfway through, his car breaks down and he gets it towed to the nearest mechanic. The mechanic tells him it will take about 20 minutes to diagnose the problem, so the penguin decides to walk around a bit and check out the small town. It's hot out, and being a penguin, he's used to cooler weather, so he stops and buys himself a huge ice cream cone. He's eating the ice cream as fast as he can as he's walking around, but it's hot out, and a lot of it melted all over his hands and face. 20 minutes go by, and he heads back to the mechanic. When he gets there, the mechanic says "Well, it looks like you blew a seal", and the penguin says "Nah, man, that's just some ice cream"

A Plane is Crashing over the Atlantic

A plane is halfway between New York and London when the pilot announces to the passengers that two engines have failed, and that they will be making an emergency landing in about 30 minutes. Most of the passengers are relatively calm, except for a woman in the back of the plane, who is in absolute hysterics. She is screaming and crying, until she stands up and shouts, "Please! Before I die, I want someone in here to make me feel like a real WOMAN!" A tall, handsome man with a sophisticated English accent stands up and slowly walks to the back of the plane. He sensually removes his shirt, approaches the woman and says, "Here. Iron this."

the teacher and the vandal

One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class. The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

A doctor, lawyer, and an engineer are about to be guillotined...

The doctor is first. The guillotine comes down and stops halfway. The doctor immediately yells "This is God's will, I must not be killed". The executioner, not seeing anybody protest his claim, lets him go. The lawyer is next. He places his head down, and as the guillotine falls, it comes to a halt right above his neck. "This is an act of God," he exclaims, and is set free. Finally the engineer is about to be executed. He puts his neck down, and as the guillotine falls, yet again it stops right above his neck. He looks up and exclaims, "Hey, I see the problem!"

How much do you get paid?

The homeowner got into his grubbiest clothes one Saturday morning and set about all the chores he'd been putting off for weeks. He'd cleaned out the garage, pruned the hedges, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulls up and yells out her window, Say, what do you get for yard work?

The homeowner thought for a moment, then answered, The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her.

A plane crashes

There were 152 people on a plane. It gets hijacked and crashed, and everyone on it dies. God says they all get one wish because of how tragically they died. The first man wishes for himself not to be ugly, the second person wishes she was skinnier. They all wish for something that improves their appearance. Halfway through the line God notices a man in the back laughing hysterically. The closer he gets to the back the harder the man laughs. When he gets to the last man he asks whats so funny.

"I wish they were all ugly again!"

Dandruff in the Elevator

A blonde and a brunette get into an elevator and punch in two of the highest floors. They do not know each other, so they stay to themselves.

About halfway up to their respective floors, a balding gentleman enters the elevator with them, with some of the most atrocious dandruff either of the women had even seen gracing the shoulders of his suit. He didn't seem to notice, but they were practically revolted for the trip.

His floor came up quickly and as the door shut from his exit, the brunette looked up to the blond and commented That man needs to get some Head and Shoulders.

The blonde got really confused before asking,

Wait, how do you give shoulders?

One clear morning, a man wakes up early to go fishing...

... he got out of bed quietly so that he didn't wake his wife, put on his fishing clothes, grabbed his gear, hopped into his truck, and headed out towards the lake.

About halfway to the lake, the weather completely changed. It started to rain very hard, and there was even some thunder and lightning. The man said,

"Gee, this is awful weather to go fishing in. I might as well just go back home."

So the man drove back to house, put away his fishing gear, took off his clothes and crawled back into bed with his wife.

As soon as he entered the bed, his wife said to him, "Can you believe my husband is out fishing in this weather?"

12 Shots

A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender to line up twelve shots of whiskey. The bartender places twelve shot glasses on the table and begins to fill them.
Halfway through, the man starts grabbing the shots and slamming them back in rapid succession, finishing the last one just after the bartender poured it.
"Wow, buddy, I've never seen anybody take so many shots so quickly." the bartender remarked.
"Hey, if you had what I had you'd be drinking just as quick." the man replied.
"Oh," said the bartender, "what do you have?"
"About two bucks."

Ask Jeeves

A rich married couple went out to a fancy dinner, leaving their butler Jeeves behind.

Halfway through the dinner the wife excuses herself and tells her husband she'll see him at home later.

Jeeves is suprised to see the wife home so early. She smiles and then directs him to her bedroom.

Once they're both in the bedroom the wife gets close to Jeeves and asks him softly to remove her dress for her.

He does so.

She then leans closer to Jeeves and gently asks if he could take off her bra and panties.

As asked Jeeves removes the bra and panties of his master's wife without hesitation.

The wife leans close enough to whisper into Jeeves ear, "Now don't ever let me catch you wearing my clothes again."

At a rally today Donald Trump ordered the secret service to remove a crying baby.

They had him halfway to the curb before realizing the error.

An elderly couple was attending church services.

About halfway through, she leans over and says to him: "I just had silent passing of gas, what do you think I should do?"
He leans over to her and replies:
" Put a new battery in your Hearing Aid."

A Priest and a Jamaican man are on a plane...

..and as they're taking off, the pilot says over the intercom "folks, I have something to tell you. I cannot fly the plane if someone passes gas; if someone does, I'll pass out and the plane will crash."

So halfway through the flight, the plane noses forward and goes into a dive. And the Jamaican stands up and screams "Who passed de gas?"

The priest says "how did you know?"

And the Jamaican answers "de scent!"

...I'll show myself out

My coffee wasn't strong enough.

So, yesterday instead of using water, I brewed with Red Bull. I got halfway to work before I realised I'd forgotten my car.

My wife just found out that she was adopted and was devastated..

She kept saying why didn't they want me?!

I took her in my arms and comforted her.

After a while, still crying, we kissed, and she asked me to make love to her.

In hindsight, taking her from behind shouting, "WHO'S YOUR DADDY?!" halfway through wasn't the best idea...

Two guys are playing golf.......

The women in front of them are really taking their time and are slowing the men up.

So one man says to his friend, "I'm gonna go ask those ladies if we can play through."

He starts walking, but about halfway there, he turns around. When he gets back, his friend asks what happened.

He replies, "One of those women is my wife, and the other is my mistress. Why don't you go talk to them?"

So the second man starts to walk over. He gets halfway there and turns around.

When he gets back, his friend asks, "Now what happened?"

To this he replies, "Small world."

Dating in the old days

Back when my Grandpa was courtin' (dating) my Grandma in the rural mountains of North Carolina he picked her up for their first date in his horse-drawn buggy. As they were traveling down the bumpy dirt roads his bowels began to rumble and he was struggling to keep from breaking wind. About halfway to his parent's house a storm started to blow in so he decided the next time he saw lightning he would time it and let it rip during the thunder. This worked perfectly and Grandma never knew. Soon he felt the urge again and he waited for the lightning and timed it perfectly. Wanting to make casual conversation he said to Grandma, We had better hurry, that one sounded close . Grandma said Yes, it smells like it struck a shithouse .

I really need to find a way to finish my laundry.

I always start off strong but halfway through I throw in the towel.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all stuck on an island.

The redhead tries to swim home and makes a quarter of the way there, then drowns. The brunette gets a third of the way there, then drowns. The blonde gets halfway there, then gets tired, turns around and swims back.

A motorist stopped at a country ford and asked an Irishman sitting nearby how deep the water was. "A couple of inches." replied the Irishman. So the motorist drove into the ford and his car promptly disappeared beneath the surface in a cauldron of bubbles.

"That's odd" thought the Irishman. "The water only goes halfway up on them ducks."

Two guys were playing golf

Two guys were playing golf, and they were annoyed because there were two women ahead of them playing very slowly. One of the guys decided to ask if they could play through. He walked over about halfway, they suddenly turned around very quickly and came back.

"That was close," he said. "One of those women is my wife, and the other one is my mistress! If they both recognized me, I'd have been in real trouble."

"Don't worry," the other guy said. "I'll go ask if we can play through."

He started over towards them, then he, too, suddenly turned back.
"Talk about your coincidences!"

My grandfather told me this joke.

A man jumps off a skyscraper. Halfway down, he says: "so far so good"

Three guys are about to be executed.

One's a lawyer, one's a priest, and one's an engineer.

They bring out the lawyer first, put him under the guillotine, and pull the lever, but the blade gets stuck halfway down. The lawyer goes, "Ah-ha! By pulling the lever, you have technically carried out the execution, which according to the sentence you can only do once. Trying again would constitute double jeopardy, which is unconstitutional. You have to let me go." Intimidated by this, the executioner frees him.

They bring out the priest next, put him under the guillotine. Again the blade gets stuck. The priest cries, "A miracle! God has reached down and spared my life. This is a sign that I am under His protection. You must free me at once, or incur the divine wrath." The executioner, a simple but God-fearing man, lets him go.

Finally they bring out the engineer. The executioner pulls the lever once again, and once again the blade stops halfway down. The engineer turns on his back and stares up at the guillotine, muttering under his breath. After a minute he calls the executioner over, points up at the mechanism, and says, "Well, there's your problem right there..."

Marx as a Student

In University, Karl Marx's Political Economics professor noted that every day, the young man would get up halfway through class and walk out, which caused a good deal of disruption. The professor quickly grew tired of the daily distraction, and so one day, as Marx stood up and prepared to leave, the professor stopped lecturing and turned to him.

"I am curious, Mr. Marx, what it is about my teaching you find so intolerable that you cannot sit through more than half of any given lecture."

Karl looked surprised for a moment, but quickly understood what the problem was, and said, "Oh, no, sir, it's nothing like that. See, I have a class on "Proletariat ideology" that starts in five minutes, and I'll be dropped from the course if I'm late."

The professor was confused. "You mean to tell me that the University registered you for two courses during the same time?"

"Yes, sir," Marx responded. "So it's nothing personal. Just a class conflict."

the soap dispensing priest

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it , not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.

Having no place to hide , he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled , he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun , "it's a soap dispenser". To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough , he drops the second bar of soap. Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs , then yells..."Holy Mary , Mother of God , HAND LOTION TOO!"

I found this on sickipedia complain if you want

A man is working as a taxi driver He just started his job He went and picked someone up about halfway through the journey the man taps him on the shoulder At this point The taxi driver freaks swerves nearly misses a bus and two cars and crashes into a building. The passenger says "Sorry I didnt know a small tap could scare you that much" The taxi driver replies "No sorry it's my fault I used to work as a hearse driver"

How far can you run into the woods?

Halfway, any further and you're running out.

Intrepid Engineer

A Christian, a Muslim, and an engineer are sentenced to die at the guillotine.

The Christian goes first but when the executioner pulls the lever to release the blade, the blade suddenly stops halfway down the track with a loud "boing."
"Praise the Lord," the Christian exults, "who in his divine grace has saved me!" The executioner, impressed, tells him he is free to leave.

Next up, the Muslim puts his head in the machine and the executioner pulls the lever. Again, the blade stops abruptly halfway down. "There is no god but Allah," the Muslim cries, "who in his infinite mercy has saved me!" The executioner sets him free, too.

Meanwhile, the engineer has been peering attentively up at the guillotine. "I think I see your problem," he says.

Trip to the Doctor

Earlier today I was at the doctors office for my yearly physical but my regular Doctor was out. So in walks this beautiful blonde Doctor with the most amazing body... needless to say I was a little taken aback. She said she was fresh out of Medical School and had recently joined my regular Doctors practice. Halfway through my physical, she told me that I would need to stop masturbating, when I asked "why?" she replied: "I'm not done giving you the physical".

#2857: Two priests are in a shower.

They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway down the hall when he sees three newly inducted nuns from other city heading his way.

Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.

Startled, he drops a bar of soap.

"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".

To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.

Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice, and three times but nothing happens.

So she gives several more tugs, then yells:

"Holy Mary, Mother of God! LIQUID SOAP TOO!"

A mathematician and an engineer agree to a psychological experiment.

The mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and a
beautiful naked woman is placed on a bed at the other end of the room.

The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every five minutes, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the woman on the bed." The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to go through this. You know I'll never reach the bed!" And he gets up and storms out. The psychologist makes a note on his clipboard and ushers the engineer in.

He explains the situation, and the engineer's eyes light up and he starts drooling. The psychologist is a bit confused. "Don't you realize that you'll never reach her?"

The engineer smiles and replied, "Of course! But in less than half an hour, I'll be close enough for all practical purposes!"

How to make Halfway jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Halfway to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Halfway? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Halfway pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes