Halfway Jokes
104 halfway jokes and hilarious halfway puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about halfway that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
These halfway jokes will make you laugh, whether you're halfway to 40 or halfway to 50! Read these funny one-liners and suddenly you'll be in a lighter mood. Even if you pass the quarter mark of life, you'll find the punchline short enough to understand and funny enough to chuckle.
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Funniest Halfway Short Jokes
Short halfway jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The halfway humour may include short midway jokes also.
- Instead of water, I put redbull in the the back of my coffee maker this morning I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.
- I used Redbull instead of water to brew my coffee today Got halfway to work, realized I forgot my car.
- Dear Brits: We have received your ultimatum and have scrounged for the ransom... ...but we could only come up with half.
Feel free to him back halfway and we'll wire the funds. Thanks, the US - The other day, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall. About halfway down he turned and sneered at me, and I thought, "That's a little condescending."
- I'm halfway towards my goal of becoming filthy rich. Now I just have to have to figure out the rich part.
- I didn't sleep so well last night... So this morning I made my coffee with red bull instead of water.
I made it halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car. - Today I accidentally made my coffee with red bull instead of water. I got halfway to work before I realised I forgot my car.
- I woke up late one morning so I made my coffee using Red Bull instead of water I got halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.
- The school year is like a burrito. Once you're halfway through you want to give up because everything's just falling apart.
- This morning I mixed redbull with coffee to help me wake up. I got about halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.
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Halfway One Liners
Which halfway one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with halfway? I can suggest the ones about half wit and middle part.
- Why are Italians so good at football? Because it involves changing sides halfway through.
- Why do italians love soccer? Because halfway through they get to switch sides
- I'm halfway through becoming a stand up comedian I can stand up, now all I need is comedy
- So I'm trying to get myself to be ambidextrous. I'm halfway there!
- Does anyone know where engagement, Ohio is? About halfway between Dayton and Marion
- What do you get when you cross the Titanic with the Atlantic? Halfway.
- How far can you run into the woods? Halfway, any further and you're running out.
- What is the only animal with a c*nt halfway up its back? A police horse.
- Fat people are like radians They're only halfway done after one pi
- How far can a dog run into the woods? Halfway. After that, he's running out of the woods
- I'm halfway through my gay conversion therapy But I'm barely getting bi.
- I was born with an extra toe halfway down my leg. It's neato.
- What do you call it when a doctor gives up halfway through an abortion? A portion.
- I'm reading a book about Zeno's Paradox. I'm not quite halfway through it.
- Why did the orange stop rolling halfway up the hill? Because he ran out of juice!
Halfway House Jokes
Here is a list of funny halfway house jokes and even better halfway house puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- People are wondering if Caitlin Jenner should be put in male or female prison if she is charged. I think they should send her to a halfway house.
- Have you guy's heard about the new tempura house? It's a halfway house for lightly battered women.
Halfway Point Jokes
Here is a list of funny halfway point jokes and even better halfway point puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Halfway through his birth, I realize that my son was at his peak trading value... At that point, he was new, in box
Heartwarming Halfway Jokes that Make You Laugh
What funny jokes about halfway you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean partially jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make halfway pranks.
Picking up Women
The worst part about picking up a girl, is when she wakes up halfway through the ride home, and starts k**... the roof of your trunk.
Trip to the Doctor
Earlier today I was at the doctors office for my yearly physical but my regular Doctor was out. So in walks this beautiful blonde Doctor with the most amazing body... needless to say I was a little taken aback. She said she was fresh out of Medical School and had recently joined my regular Doctors practice. Halfway through my physical, she told me that I would need to stop m**..., when I asked "why?" she replied: "I'm not done giving you the physical".
A Priest and a Jamaican man are on a plane...
..and as they're taking off, the pilot says over the intercom "folks, I have something to tell you. I cannot fly the plane if someone passes gas; if someone does, I'll pass out and the plane will c**...."
So halfway through the flight, the plane noses forward and goes into a dive. And the Jamaican stands up and screams "Who passed de gas?"
The priest says "how did you know?"
And the Jamaican answers "de scent!"
...I'll show myself out
I found this on sickipedia complain if you want
A man is working as a taxi driver He just started his job He went and picked someone up about halfway through the journey the man taps him on the shoulder At this point The taxi driver freaks swerves nearly misses a bus and two cars and crashes into a building. The passenger says "Sorry I didnt know a small tap could scare you that much" The taxi driver replies "No sorry it's my fault I used to work as a hearse driver"
Midwestern joke I heard years ago...
State officials in Ohio are trying to pass legislation to change the name of the town, Mechanicsburg, to Engagement. When asked why, one official commented that it made clear sense because the town is halfway between Dayton and Marion.
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded on an island
they can see land in the distance, and decide to swim for it.
The redhead goes first, gets 1/4 of the way there, gets tired and swims back.
The brunette manages to swim 1/3 of the way there, but gets tired and swims back.
The blonde is able to swim halfway, but gets tired and returns to the island.
A blonde was attempting to swim across the English channel.
But she got tired halfway, and swam back.
Annoyed by the professor of anatomy
who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."
My grandfather told me this joke.
A man jumps off a skyscraper. Halfway down, he says: "so far so good"
An Elderly Couple
An elderly couple Pauline & Frank were recently attending a church service at their retirement village.
About halfway through the service, Pauline took a pen and paper out of her purse, and wrote a note and handed it to Frank.
The note said:" I just let out a silent f**..., what do you think I should do?"
Frank scribbled back: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
My coffee wasn't strong enough.
So, yesterday instead of using water, I brewed with Red Bull. I got halfway to work before I realised I'd forgotten my car.
Two sperms swimming
Two sperms swimming through a girls body. After a while one s**... looks at the other and says"we've been swimming forever! How much farther until we hit the ovaries?" The other s**... starts laughing and replies " ovaries?! We're not even halfway down the esophagus yet!"
A motorist stopped at a country ford and asked an Irishman sitting nearby how deep the water was. "A couple of inches." replied the Irishman. So the motorist drove into the ford and his car promptly disappeared beneath the surface in a cauldron of bubbles.
"That's odd" thought the Irishman. "The water only goes halfway up on them ducks."
I was having a checkup when my doctor said it was time for my prostate exam
Halfway through I remembered he was my dentist
An elderly couple was attending church services.
About halfway through, she leans over and says to him: "I just had silent passing of gas, what do you think I should do?"
He leans over to her and replies:
" Put a new battery in your Hearing Aid."
An elderly couple are at the cinema...
About halfway through the film, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent f**...; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'You should put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
At a rally today Donald Trump ordered the secret service to remove a crying baby.
They had him halfway to the curb before realizing the error.
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all stuck on an island.
The redhead tries to swim home and makes a quarter of the way there, then drowns. The brunette gets a third of the way there, then drowns. The blonde gets halfway there, then gets tired, turns around and swims back.
After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery.
Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.
I thought you were a ghost, says the relieved teen.
What are you doing working so late?
Oh, those idiots, grumbles the old man. They misspelled my name!
My wife just found out that she was adopted and was devastated..
She kept saying why didn't they want me?!
I took her in my arms and comforted her.
After a while, still crying, we kissed, and she asked me to make love to her.
In hindsight, taking her from behind shouting, "WHO'S YOUR DADDY?!" halfway through wasn't the best idea...
My crush told me that I was like a brother to her while we were in the car...
We were driving to New York at the time, and about halfway up the east coast she told me I was like a brother to her. She was surprised when I proceeded to turn the car around and drive the other way without even acting phased. She asked "where are we going now?" My only answer was "Alabama."
I finally watched that movie about the Psycho clown that destroyed the lives of innocent children.
Halfway into it I realised it was just a string of old McDonald's Ads.
I mixed redbull with my coffee...
So, I mixed redbull with my coffee this morning,
I got halfway to school and realized I forgot my car...
This morning I was really tired, so I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.
I got halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.
________________
Not really a joke, I just heard this years ago and it still makes me laugh.
I was browsing Craigslist the other day, when I came across someone who wanted to learn how to make macaroni.
Being a master macaroni maker myself, I responded to his offer, and we set up a time and place to meet so I could teach him. When we met up, he took one look at me, and he told me that I didn't look like someone who could even make halfway decent macaroni. "Sir", I assured him, "I promise I'm a master of my Kraft."
How much do you get paid?
The homeowner got into his grubbiest clothes one Saturday morning and set about all the chores he'd been putting off for weeks. He'd cleaned out the garage, pruned the hedges, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulls up and yells out her window, Say, what do you get for yard work?
The homeowner thought for a moment, then answered, The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her.
The key to pronouncing a word in French
...is to try to say it the way it's written, and then surrender halfway through.
Did you hear about the hotel that's only for guys with big d**...?
It's called the Halfway Inn.
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island
The brunette decides to try to swim to another island with more people on it. She can only swim 1/8 of the way, so she swims back. The redhead tries the same, but only makes it 1/4 of the way. The blonde makes it halfway, gets tired and swims back.
I'm proud to announce my dream of being a criminal lawyer is halfway complete!
I'm just working on the lawyer part right now.
I really need to find a way to finish my laundry.
I always start off strong but halfway through I throw in the towel.
So last week I had my driving test
Halfway through the test, we passed a primary school and unfortunately someone walked out into the road, took me completely by surprise. I was really upset that I'd failed my test, until the examiner assumed me that it was fine, it was only a minor.
Two good friends go golfing
Two good friends go golfing and they come up on two women who are moving like molasses. o**... says that he'll go up and ask if they can play through. When he's half way to the women, he freezes, turns around and comes back pretty pale.
"Sorry man, I can't do it! One's my wife and the other my mistress!"
The other guy says he'll ask instead. Halfway to the women he suddenly stops turns around and comes back shaking his head. "Small world bro!"
The Gryffindor trio went for a roadtrip.
Halfway there, Harry realised him being the driver forgot to check the meter.
"What were you thinking?", Ron & Hermione exclaimed.
*"Expecto Petroleum?"*
I'm halfway through this braille muder mystery.
I've got a feeling someone's about to die.
A new and easy test for COVID-19
Take a glass and pour your favourite spirit, then see if you can smell it.
If you can then you are halfway there.
Then drink it and if you can taste it then it is reasonable to assume you are currently free of the virus.
I tested myself nine times last night and was virus free every time, thank goodness.
I will have to test myself again today, as I have a headache, which can also be one of the symptoms!!!
After trick-or-treating on Halloween, a teen takes a shortcut through a cemetery.
Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man chipping away at a headstone. "I thought you were a ghost," says the relieved teen. "What are you doing working so late?" "Oh, those idiots," grumbles the old man. "They misspelled my name!"
A cannibal was halfway through eating a woman before he started freaking out.
He was having a mid-wife crisis.
"We're losing him!" shouted the physician assistant halfway through the surgery
"Not on my watch!" shouted the surgeon.
And he runs out of the operating room.
Simon is in the school play and invites his parents
Now his parents don't think he'll be very good. Halfway through the play a floorboard breaks underneath Simon and he falls through. 'Dont worry' Simon's dad whispers to his wife 'It's just a stage he's going through!'
I once made my morning coffee with redbull instead of water.
Was halfway to work before I noticed I forgot my car.
Two guys are playing golf.......
The women in front of them are really taking their time and are slowing the men up.
So one man says to his friend, ‟I am gonna go ask those ladies if we can play through.
He starts walking, but about halfway there, he turns around. When he gets back, his friend asks what happened.
He replies, ‟One of those women is my wife, and the other is my mistress. Why do not you go talk to them?
So the second man starts to walk over. He gets halfway there and turns around.
When he gets back, his friend asks, ‟Now what happened?
To this he replies, ‟Small world.
Two men are playing golf when one realises he's left his jacket at the last tee
He goes back to get it, stops halfway and turns back.
"What's up?" asks his mate.
"Well, you see those two women at the tee. One's my wife, and she's playing with my mistress."
His mate laughs and says, "No worries, I'll go get it for you."
He stops halfway, comes back, looks at his mate and says "Small world."
I tried one of those "Try Not To Laugh" challenges, but barely made it halfway before cracking up.
I guess you could say... I fought the LOL, and the LOL won.
Three old ladies playing a round of bridge
The first old lady says, "You know, I'm really starting to lose my memory these days. The other day I went into the kitchen and forgot why I went."
The second old lady shakes her head, "That's nothing. The other day I went down the stairs and stopped halfway because I didn't know why I was going down."
The third lady says nothing and keeps playing, and the other two look at her expectantly. She looks at them both, "What? Don't look at me, my memory is as solid as this table." She then knocks on the table, looks at the door and says, "Hello? Who's there?!"
I know I'm gonna get hate for saying this, but there are some races that I just don't like.
For instance, anything with an obstacle in it. Like if I'm running 10k, don't make me climb over a wall halfway through it.
two cannibals were eating a guy.
one says 'to be fair you start at the head I'll start at the feet." halfway through he says "how's it going?"
the other guy says "I'm having a ball."
first one says "you're eating too fast."
A guy walks into a cafe and asks for a bowl of chili.
The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl." He looks over and sees that the guy's bowl of chili is full. He says, "If you're not going to eat that, mind if I take it?" The other guys says, "No, help yourself." He starts to eat it and about halfway down, his fork hits something. It's a dead mouse, and he vomits the chili back into the bowl. The other guys says, "That's about as far as I got, too."
A physicist and an engineer agree to take part in an experiment.
They are shown into a room where a n**... woman is lying on a bed on the other side of the room and told they can cross half the distance between them and the woman every minute.
The physicist throws up his hands and turns away.
The engineer walks halfway across the room.
"You fool!" says the physicist. "Don't you realise you will never actually reach her?"
"That's okay," says the engineer. "Pretty soon I will be close enough for all practical purposes!"
How are a push-up-bra and a bag of chips alike?
It is only when you open them, that you realise they are halfway empty.
*PS: i work in a chips factory and i know the reason why the bags contain so much air*
Two men are playing golf when one realizes he's left his jacket at the last tee
He goes back to get it, stops halfway and turns back.
"What's up?" asks his mate.
"Well, you see those two women at the tee. One's my wife, and she's playing with my mistress."
His mate laughs and says, "No worries, I'll go get it for you."
He stops halfway, comes back, looks at his mate and says "Small world."
What do you call a cow...
...with 2 legs?
Lean Beef.
...with no legs?
Ground beef.
...with no legs burried halfway in the dirt?
Steak.
Silence is olden
An elderly couple go to church one Sunday. Halfway through the service, the wife leans over and whispers in her husbands ear, "I've just let out a silent f**.... What do you think I should do?"
The husband replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
I took my kids to the local pool the other day..
We were down the shallow end when I had the sudden urge to pee. I slowly and inconspicuously made my way up to the deep end to relieve myself. As I'm about halfway through the lifeguard noticed what I was doing. He blew his whistle so hard I nearly fell in.
A man goes to the doctor
with a banana hanging halfway out his ear and a carrot sticking out of his nose. He says, "doc, I'm not feeling too hot".
Doc replies, "I can tell ya what's wrong just lookin' at ya. Clearly you're not eating properly."
I bought a book on the sunk cost fallacy.
It's not very good but I'm halfway through, so I thought I might as well finish it.
Don't you just hate when your halfway through your r**... exam and remember...
**You're at the dentist.**
Halfway to my dream of being a criminal lawyer!
Now I just have to work on the lawyer part.
I have a GREAT new bag. I filled it halfway. Next day, I filled half the remaining volume. Next day, half the remaining volume... at this rate, it'll never fill up!
I just love my Asymp tote bag.
A farmer goes to the market to sell his horse for $2000, and a man buys it from him.
The farmer says he'll deliver it to to man in 1 week's time, but halfway through the week the horse dies.
The farmer offers to refund the man's money, but the man chooses to buy it anyway.
The next week the farmer sees and asks the man what he did with the dead horse.
The man says 'Oh I held a lucky draw, $50 for a chance to win a horse. 100 people entered, and I collected $5000.
The farmer, shocked, asks 'But wasn't anyone upset with the horse?' The man replies
'Oh yes, only the winner, but I refunded him his $50.'
One day in class, little Johnny asked to go to the bathroom.
The teacher said, First recite your ABCs.
So Johnny said, A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z
The teacher asked, Where's your P?
And Johnny replied, Halfway down my pants.
