Half Jokes
142 half jokes and hilarious half puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about half that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
We have all experienced it – an awkward silence that creeps in when you drop a joke, only for your audience to respond with glum indifference. You then realize the reason why; not just for the accuracy of delivery but because what you offered wasn't actually funny at all; it was simply half-jokes - amusing musings mayhaps?
Half-jokes, as the name suggests, constitute of a biterfee of humour; almost wholly underwhelming but just enough to still raise an eyebrow or elicit a smirk from the mildly intrigued. Mentions of these can often be met with merriment and good natured ribbing, occasionally even hipwiggling in attention due to their outlandishness.
One such example is when your friend tells you they’re enlisting with the ‘Airforce’ or purchasing a new pair of ‘Nikes'. They are usually delivered quickly, before they have time to fully process what they have said so there isn't any opportunity for explanation or clarification by clarinetting in information about how it really should be 'Air Force' and 'mice'; instead, allowing us all to chortle away at notions we're not quite sure achieve actual funny status since we're given such half baked jokes that only result in completely flummoxed gales!
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Funniest Half Short Jokes
Short half jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The half humour may include short semi jokes also.
- Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared. Apparently only DC movies can do that.
- If I had a dollar for every downvote EA"s comment gets.... I would have enough money to unlock half of the Battlefront 2 heroes without having to grind them.
- I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today. It's my thirty-second birthday.
- At breakfast, a man asked his wife What would you do I if won the lottery? She replied, I'd take half, and then leave you. Great, he said I won $12 yesterday. Here's $6. Stay in touch.
- I asked my wife So, do you think the cup is half full or half empty? And you know what she said? Please for the love of god could you stop wearing my bras!
- Whenever I get a stack of resumes, I throw half of them in the trash I sure don't want unlucky people on my team.
- I can cut a piece of wood in half by only looking at it It's true, I saw it with my own eyes
- When I am tasked with sorting through a stack of résumés, I throw about half of them in the garbage. I do not want unlucky people working in our company
- I don't understand why some people say, "Taco Bell isn't real Mexican." It gets the job done for less than half the cost. That's about as Mexican as it gets.
- You know why I hate elevators? Half the time they are up to something, the other half they are just bringing you down. I should really start taking steps to avoid them..
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Half One Liners
Which half one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with half? I can suggest the ones about partial and middle.
- Why did eminem kneel at the half time show? His knees were weak, and arms were heavy.
- What do you call a politician with half a brain? Gifted.
- Man 1: I have a half sister. Man 2: Different father? Man 1: No, shark attack.
- What did everyone do after the super bowl was over? Watch the second half.
- Why did 50 cent play at half time? Because it's after 2 quarters.
- What did 8 say to three? Where's your other half?
- How do you split Rome in half? You use a pair of caesars.
- How was the Roman Empire cut in half? With a pair of caesars.
- Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy
- Mathematics is 90% common sense, the other half is intelligence.
- I come from a family of failed magicians I have 2 half sisters
- What do you call a rapper whose half black and half white? 50 percent
- I have a friend who is half Indian. He's called Ian.
- What Has Two Legs and Bleeds Often? Half a horse.
- Sarcasm is like electricity Half of the world still doesn't get it!
Half Life Jokes
Here is a list of funny half life jokes and even better half life puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How is Valve like Uranium-238? By the time they get to the third Half Life 13.5 Billion years will have passed.
- When I was young, I set a life goal for myself: I will buy a Lamborghini at the age of 40. This year, I've finally achieved half of the goal. I turned 40.
- What is Thanos' favourite game? Half-Life.
- I think my father is doing a Half-life 3 cosplay. Because I haven't seen him in over 10 years now.
- My dad was such a proud union member his whole life … When I was a kid, he began every story with Once upon a time-and-a-half …
- Q. What's an Anti-Vaxxer's favorite video game? A. Half Life
- In the dark alley, Johnny the Optimist was being beat up Half to life.
- I was doing a lab on nuclear decay and at first it worked like expected, but when 3/4 of the material had decayed it suddenly stopped It seems like there will never be a half life 3
- Why was the Valve developer crying? He was having a Half-Life crisis.
- Why was the 24,100 year old plutonium upset? It was having a half-life crisis.
Glass Half Empty Jokes
Here is a list of funny glass half empty jokes and even better glass half empty puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- An optimist says, the glass is half full. A pessimist says, the glass is half empty. An optometrist says, you both need glasses.
- Interviewer: Is the glass half empty or half full? Applicant: It's completely full.
Interviewer: We'd be glad to hire you. Welcome to the Lays factory. - Pessimist: The glass is half empty... Optimist: The glass is half full
Journalist: You won't BELIEVE what's in this glass! - Optimist: "This glass is half-full." Pessimist: "This glass is half-empty." EA Employee: "Download the next half for $9.99!"
- Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full. The engineer says... ... the glass is twice the size it needs to be.
- I'm a pessimist and an optimist, So when I see a glass half empty I pour it into a smaller glass.
- What did the full glass say to the half empty glass? You look drunk.
- There are three kinds of people... The ones who say the glass is half full,
The ones who say the glass is half empty,
And the one who thinks you should have gotten a smaller glass. - The pessimist in me says 'the glass is half empty'... The optimist in me says 'at least it's whiskey'.
- Glass half full Optimist thinks the glass is 1/2 full.
Pessimist thinks the glass is 1/2 empty.
Excel knows the glass is February the 1st.
Glass Half Full Jokes
Here is a list of funny glass half full jokes and even better glass half full puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I told my friend, "My dad's a glass half-full kind of guy." He said, "Oh! He's an optimist?"
"No he has Parkinson's Disease." - I went back in time to become the first person to say the glass was half full. You can refer to me as "optimist prime."
- What do you call an optimistic programmer? A glass half full stack developer.
- There are 3 types of people Them: "the glass is half full"
Others: "the glass is half empty"
Me: "they didn't get my order right" - You ever been to an optimistic optometrist? They'll tell you that your glasses are half full.
- They say an optimist will see a glass as half full, while a pessimist will see it as half empty. Speaking as an alcoholic it's panic stations either way for me.
- What do you call a Transformer who always sees the glass as half full? Optimist Prime
- Some see the glass half full, some see it half empty... I'm an opportunist. I drank it all while the other two argued.
- The Optimist says "the glass is half full" The Pessimist says, "NO it's half empty!"
The Urologist says, "well it's gonna be full soon!"
The Urophiliac says, "aaaawwww yeah!" - I'm more optimistic than most. Some say the glass is half empty, some would say it's half full.
I'd say "Hey, That's a nice glass!"
Glass Is Half Full Jokes
Here is a list of funny glass is half full jokes and even better glass is half full puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A glass of water that is half full Optimist: The Glass is half full.
Pessimist: The glass is half empty.
Thanos: Perfectly balanced. - An optimist sees a glass half full... A pessimist sees the glass half empty.
A kleptomaniac sees the glass. - There are 3 types of people in the world: Glass half-full people, glass half-empty people, And kids with antivax parents, who never live long enough to form an opinion
- The philosopher says the glass is half empty, the optimist says the glass is half full.... The sjw says the glass is half-fluid.
- Materialists don't really think about whether the glass is half full or half empty. They care more about whether the glass is expensive.
- It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full.
There's clearly room for more wine. - The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The optimist says the glass is half full. The reposter says the glass is half full
- What is the difference between an optimist, a pessimist and me? An optimist thinks the glass is half full.
A pessimist thinks the glass is half empty.
And I think, "Why is it always about glass?" - Optimist: The glass is half full. Pessimist: The glass is half empty.
Mother: Why didnt you use a coaster - Some people see the glass half-full, others half-empty But I didn't see it at all until it hit me.
Fun-Filled Half Jokes to Boost Your Mood
What funny jokes about half you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean quarter jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make half pranks.
My wife is turning 32 soon...
I've told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. After all, I said, The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.
What are you talking about? she asked.
I said, It's your thirty-second birthday.
A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.
The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"
The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."
A married couple is having a baby...
As she is going into labor, the doctor asks the man, "would you like to take part in this new technology that allows half the pain of the pregnancy to be put on to the father." The husband accepts, and they go on with the birth. Afterwards they ask him how he felt, he replied, "I didn't feel anything I don't understand what the big deal is about this. Later that day, they find the postman dead at their house.
Buying aspirin
Joe has always had an uncontrollable twitch in his left eyelid since young. Fred has a splitting headache and asks Joe to go get some aspirins. Half an hour later Joe comes back with a dozen packets of condoms.
"I asked you to get me aspirins, not condoms."
"Yeah, I went to a dozen drug stores, but have you ever tried asking for aspirin with a tic in your eye?"
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...
The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, "You're all a bunch of idiots."
I happily dad joked my fiancé
While on her way to work, she texted me saying she only put deodorant on one side.
To which I replied, "At least you won't smell half bad!"
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One in every 2 and a half men is h**... positive.
A woman is at the park with her son when he starts misbehaving.
She looks at him sternly and says "If you don't stop before I count to 3, we're going home!"
1...
2...
2 and a half...
2 and three quarters...
2 and five sevenths...
Just then a man taps her on the shoulder and hands her his business card. Hi I work for Gabe Newell, co-founder of Valve, and we're looking for a new Vice President. I think you're just what we're looking for. Call me on Monday and we'll talk.
My buddy went to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back...
Half way through he said "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand."
The tattooist said "Hang on pal, I've only just finished his turban."
I kept pulling the string from my Christmas hat and now its half the size
Oops, wrong thread
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you make a human corpse float?
Two scoops ice cream, one scoop human corpse, and half a liter of root beer.
A guy walks into a pharmacy buys a pack of condoms and walks out laughing
He does this every day consecutive for a week. Finally the pharmacy owner asks his assistant to follow the man the next time he returns. Sure enough the man returns the next day and walks out laughing once again. The assistant follows him and returns about half an hour later. When the pharmacist asked where he had followed him the assistant simply replied "your house".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Optimist: "This glass is half full"
Pessimist: "This glass is half empty"
Feminist: "This glass is r**... me"
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one walks up and orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third one wants 1/4 of a beer, and the next wants just 1/8th. The bartender sees where this is going, and stops them before anyone else can order.
The bartender pours two beers, hands them over, and says "You guys should really know your limits".
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stuck on an island
The redhead tries to swim back to land, gets a quarter of the way there, gets tired, and swims back.
The brunette decides to try, swims a third of the way there, gets tired, and swims back.
Finally the blonde tries, swims half of the way there, gets tired, swims back.
My girlfriend "Dad joked" me on a hike.
I asked my girlfriend what she thought trees would sound like if they talked while on a hike.
She said "I bet we couldn't understand them"
I said "why do you think that?"
She said "because they probably only bark"
She then laughed the next half mile down the trail barking occasionally and saying "shh, shh, do you hear that? Thats a tree talking in the distance"
A bag of Frito Lays and a bra are the same...
Once you open them you realize there's only half of what you thought inside
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How much c**... did Charlie Sheen do?
Enough to kill two and a half men.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Society is full of double standards
For example, when Ariel from The Little Mermaid swims around half n**..., singing with her underwater friends, people say that she is "sweet" and "beautiful"
But when I do it, people say that I'm "drunk" and "no longer welcome at the aquarium".
A resourceful woman...
A woman gets into a very busy restaurant around lunch time.
She is told the next available table would be free in an hour.
She holds her phone to her ear, and with a loud voice says:
"*Honey, you won't believe it, but your husband is having lunch with his girlfriend at so-and-so restaurant*"
Half the diners instantly get up and rush to the exit..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Arab and a Jew stand in front of a h**... statue.
The Jew spits on the statue.
Arab: why did you do that?
Jew: because he killed half my people.
The Arab spits on the statue as well.
Jew: why did you do that?
Arab: because he didn't kill the other half.
An infinite number of people walk into a bar...
The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer...
The bartender pulls out two beers and tells them to know their limits.
It's interesting how different a US president looks at the end of their presidency. Obama had gray hair. Bush had a bunch of wrinkles..
At the end of JFKs presidency, half of his head was missing.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
t**... holding dad at gunpoint-
t**...: "Say your last words!"
Dad: "Your last words!"
t**...: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!"
Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?"
t**...: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?"
Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I saw that monster henway."
t**...: "What's a 'henway'"?
Dad: "About a pound and a half."
t**...: "Stop! I'm serious!"
Dad: "Hi Sirius! I'm Dad!"
A lot of people complain about reposts, but I ran the numbers and only about 0.2% of people actually repost jokes here
Earth has ~7 and a half billion people; this sub only has ~14 million
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dear Brits: We have received your ultimatum and have scrounged for the ransom...
...but we could only come up with half.
Feel free to him back halfway and we'll wire the funds. Thanks, the US
I spent half an hour trying to take off my girlfriends bra. I gave up in the end.
I wish I never tried it on in the first place.
My wife wanted to get into "role play" to spice things up in the bedroom
I asked what she had in mind.
"Let's play doctor", she said.
I told her to go in the bedroom, shut the door, take off all of her clothes and wait on the bed for me.
After a half an hour I walked in, told her to lose 20 lbs. and handed her a bill for $300.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Locked in her basement
A woman I work with locked me in her basement for two months once and used me as her s**... s**....
One day I noticed she forgot to lock the door and I thought, "Great, this is my chance!"
So I ran up the stairs and grabbed the phone.
Half hour later the pizza arrived, and I went back down to the basement.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A penguin is driving through the desert when his car breaks down.
AAA (Antarctic Automobile Assn) tows it to the garage in the nearest town, where the mechanic says he has time to look at it, give him half an hour.
The penguin wanders down the street to an ice cream shop and decides to beat the heat with a cone of his favorite flavor, vanilla. Of course, being a penguin, with flippers instead of hands, as well as a beak, he makes a huge mess and gets ice cream all over his face. h**... goes back to the garage, where the mechanic tells him "looks like you blew a seal."
"No," says the penguin. "That's just ice cream."
My girlfriend invited me to meet her parents.
Before we went over, she let me know that her father, Dale, was in a car accident and had his legs amputated at the hips. Apparently, it was a sensitive issue, and I was not to mention it.
When we arrived, her dad greeted us at the door. Not seeing his wife anywhere, I said to him, Dale, it's great to meet you. Is your other half in the kitchen?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
George Carlin once famously joked, "Think of how s**... the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."
Thanks to all those people wearing masks but leaving their noses fully exposed, the stupider half is now a lot easier to spot.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
it's just taken me half an hour to get my girlfriends bra off
it's the last time i'm trying it on
Wife: Would you care to explain why the bottle of whisky you bought yesterday is half empty?
Me : It's because you're a pessimist.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mathematician And an engineer decided to take part in an experiment.
They were both put in a room and at the other end was a n**... woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they could travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician stormed off, calling it pointless. The engineer was still in. The mathematician said Don't you see? You'll never get close enough to actually reach her. The engineer replied, So? I'll be close enough for all practical purposes.
A dear friend of mine passed away this week. This was one of his jokes: What do you call half of a thousand native American insomniacs?
The Indian nap-less 500.
I asked Vincent van gogh to get me 6 eggs from the store, he came back with three...
Forgot he can only hear half of what I'm saying
A couple just had their first son , the husband is half Irish and half Indian , the wife half chinese and half Italian both wishes to have their son name after their heritage ..
After much argument they decided on the name.
Ravi O'Lee
Lenin was on the deathbed, with Stalin sitting by his side...
Lenin says: "Joseph... I'm not sure you're the right man to lead the country after me. I don't know if the people will follow you."
Stalin responds: "Don't worry, Vladimir Ilyich. Half of the country will follow me, and the other half will follow you."
I've spent an hour and a half now trying to explain "sunk cost fallacy" to my son
He's no nearer understanding it than when we started, and it's giving me a serious headache.
But if I quit now I'll have had all this for nothing!
Dropped my best ever dad joke & no one was around to hear it
I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.
I said "hey look, an escaPEA"
No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!
Redditors are very environmentally aware
More than half the content on the front page is recycled
My neighbor claims his Golden Retriever dog can bring a ball back from half a mile away..
That seems a bit far-fetched to me..
In a couple weeks, all gas stations are going to cut prices in half for a whole day
April Fuels!
My girlfriend said, I am breaking up with you because of your addiction of wearing a different t-shirt every half an hour.
I said, Wait! I can change.
Chiron was not only half man, half horse, but he was also a doctor of medicine.
This makes him the centaur for disease control.
Now that Elon Musk has bought Twitter and laid off half the staff, he's planning on buying YouTube and Facebook and doing the same with them. To save even more money, he plans on merging the three companies into one…
…He's going to call it YouTwitFace.
I bought a book titled How to Solve Half Your Problems.
I read it twice, now I'm problem free.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An elementary school teacher was meeting her new class
She pointed to one student and asked "What does your father do for a living?"
The boy said "My father's a magician! He has a new act that ends with sawing people in half."
"That's wonderful!" said the teacher. "And do you have any siblings?"
"Yes," said the boy- "I have a half brother and a half sister."
I cut my birthday cake in half and ate both sides.
I wanted to halve my cake and eat it too
Today is my cake day
A blonde walks into a blind date
Nice to meet you she says to her date as they seat themselves in the booth
So tell me about yourself. What do you do for work? She asks the man
Oh I'm an optometrist he replies
The blonde flashes a big smile and says I think this is going to work out after all, I'm a glass half full girl myself
Financial Advice
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