JokoJokes

Half Jokes

142 half jokes and hilarious half puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about half that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

We have all experienced it – an awkward silence that creeps in when you drop a joke, only for your audience to respond with glum indifference. You then realize the reason why; not just for the accuracy of delivery but because what you offered wasn't actually funny at all; it was simply half-jokes - amusing musings mayhaps?

Half-jokes, as the name suggests, constitute of a biterfee of humour; almost wholly underwhelming but just enough to still raise an eyebrow or elicit a smirk from the mildly intrigued. Mentions of these can often be met with merriment and good natured ribbing, occasionally even hipwiggling in attention due to their outlandishness.

One such example is when your friend tells you they’re enlisting with the ‘Airforce’ or purchasing a new pair of ‘Nikes'. They are usually delivered quickly, before they have time to fully process what they have said so there isn't any opportunity for explanation or clarification by clarinetting in information about how it really should be 'Air Force' and 'mice'; instead, allowing us all to chortle away at notions we're not quite sure achieve actual funny status since we're given such half baked jokes that only result in completely flummoxed gales!

Funniest Half Short Jokes

Short half jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The half humour may include short semi jokes also.

  1. Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared. Apparently only DC movies can do that.
  2. If I had a dollar for every downvote EA"s comment gets.... I would have enough money to unlock half of the Battlefront 2 heroes without having to grind them.
  3. I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today. It's my thirty-second birthday.
  4. At breakfast, a man asked his wife What would you do I if won the lottery? She replied, I'd take half, and then leave you. Great, he said I won $12 yesterday. Here's $6. Stay in touch.
  5. I asked my wife So, do you think the cup is half full or half empty? And you know what she said? Please for the love of god could you stop wearing my bras!
  6. Whenever I get a stack of resumes, I throw half of them in the trash I sure don't want unlucky people on my team.
  7. I can cut a piece of wood in half by only looking at it It's true, I saw it with my own eyes
  8. When I am tasked with sorting through a stack of résumés, I throw about half of them in the garbage. I do not want unlucky people working in our company
  9. I don't understand why some people say, "Taco Bell isn't real Mexican." It gets the job done for less than half the cost. That's about as Mexican as it gets.
  10. You know why I hate elevators? Half the time they are up to something, the other half they are just bringing you down. I should really start taking steps to avoid them..

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Half One Liners

Which half one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with half? I can suggest the ones about partial and middle.

  1. Why did eminem kneel at the half time show? His knees were weak, and arms were heavy.
  2. What do you call a politician with half a brain? Gifted.
  3. Man 1: I have a half sister. Man 2: Different father? Man 1: No, shark attack.
  4. What did everyone do after the super bowl was over? Watch the second half.
  5. Why did 50 cent play at half time? Because it's after 2 quarters.
  6. What did 8 say to three? Where's your other half?
  7. How do you split Rome in half? You use a pair of caesars.
  8. How was the Roman Empire cut in half? With a pair of caesars.
  9. Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy
  10. Mathematics is 90% common sense, the other half is intelligence.
  11. I come from a family of failed magicians I have 2 half sisters
  12. What do you call a rapper whose half black and half white? 50 percent
  13. I have a friend who is half Indian. He's called Ian.
  14. What Has Two Legs and Bleeds Often? Half a horse.
  15. Sarcasm is like electricity Half of the world still doesn't get it!

Half Life Jokes

Here is a list of funny half life jokes and even better half life puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • How is Valve like Uranium-238? By the time they get to the third Half Life 13.5 Billion years will have passed.
  • When I was young, I set a life goal for myself: I will buy a Lamborghini at the age of 40. This year, I've finally achieved half of the goal. I turned 40.
  • What is Thanos' favourite game? Half-Life.
  • I think my father is doing a Half-life 3 cosplay. Because I haven't seen him in over 10 years now.
  • My dad was such a proud union member his whole life … When I was a kid, he began every story with Once upon a time-and-a-half …
  • Q. What's an Anti-Vaxxer's favorite video game? A. Half Life
  • In the dark alley, Johnny the Optimist was being beat up Half to life.
  • What's Thanos's favorite video game? Half life
  • Half way into my neck treatment, I got into this huge argument with my chiropractor. Now I have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
  • What is an Anti-Vaxxer's favorite game? Half-life

Glass Half Empty Jokes

Here is a list of funny glass half empty jokes and even better glass half empty puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • An optimist says, the glass is half full. A pessimist says, the glass is half empty. An optometrist says, you both need glasses.
  • Interviewer: Is the glass half empty or half full? Applicant: It's completely full.
    Interviewer: We'd be glad to hire you. Welcome to the Lays factory.
  • Pessimist: The glass is half empty... Optimist: The glass is half full
    Journalist: You won't BELIEVE what's in this glass!
  • Optimist: "This glass is half-full." Pessimist: "This glass is half-empty." EA Employee: "Download the next half for $9.99!"
  • Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full. The engineer says... ... the glass is twice the size it needs to be.
  • A pessimist thinks the glass is half empty, an optimist thinks it is half full... An engineer thinks the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
  • Optimist: Glass half full Pessimist : Glass half empty
    Engineer: Glass is too tall.
  • The Glass Happy person: The glass is half full
    Depressed person: The glass is half empty
    The Engineer: The glass is twice as big as necessary.
  • An optimist says the glass is half full, a pessimist says the glass is half empty... ... an engineer just points out that the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
  • Engineers' view about a glass of water! To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
    To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
    To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Half joke, Engineers' view about a glass of water!

Glass Half Full Jokes

Here is a list of funny glass half full jokes and even better glass half full puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I told my friend, "My dad's a glass half-full kind of guy." He said, "Oh! He's an optimist?"
    "No he has Parkinson's Disease."
  • Perspective The optimist says "The glass is half full."
    The pessimist says "The glass is half empty."
    The engineer says "The vessel contains twice the required space for the volume present."
  • A pessimist says the glass is half empty. An optimist says the glass is half full. The engineer says the glass is too big.
  • What did the full glass say to the half empty glass? You look drunk.
  • There are three kinds of people... The ones who say the glass is half full,
    The ones who say the glass is half empty,
    And the one who thinks you should have gotten a smaller glass.
  • I went back in time to become the first person to say the glass was half full. You can refer to me as "optimist prime."
  • Glass half full Optimist thinks the glass is 1/2 full.
    Pessimist thinks the glass is 1/2 empty.
    Excel knows the glass is February the 1st.
  • What do you call an optimistic programmer? A glass half full stack developer.
  • There are 3 types of people Them: "the glass is half full"
    Others: "the glass is half empty"
    Me: "they didn't get my order right"
  • You ever been to an optimistic optometrist? They'll tell you that your glasses are half full.

Glass Is Half Full Jokes

Here is a list of funny glass is half full jokes and even better glass is half full puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • They say an optimist will see a glass as half full, while a pessimist will see it as half empty. Speaking as an alcoholic it's panic stations either way for me.
  • Engineers To the optimist, the glass is half full.
    To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
    To the engineer, some idiots used a glass that's twice as big than necessary.
  • Some people say the glass is half full. Some people say the glass is half empty... Engineers say the glass is twice as big as necessary.
  • What do you call a Transformer who always sees the glass as half full? Optimist Prime
  • The optimist says, "The glass is half full." The pessimist says, "The glass is half empty." The rationalist says, "This glass is twice as big as it needs to be."
  • Some see the glass half full, some see it half empty... I'm an opportunist. I drank it all while the other two argued.
  • The Optimist says "the glass is half full" The Pessimist says, "NO it's half empty!"
    The Urologist says, "well it's gonna be full soon!"
    The Urophiliac says, "aaaawwww yeah!"
  • I'm more optimistic than most. Some say the glass is half empty, some would say it's half full.
    I'd say "Hey, That's a nice glass!"
  • Dear Optimistic and pessimistic persons, While you were arguing weather the glass was half full or half empty, I drank it.
    Yours truly:
    The Opportunist.
  • A glass of water that is half full Optimist: The Glass is half full.
    Pessimist: The glass is half empty.
    Thanos: Perfectly balanced.
Half joke, A glass of water that is half full

Fun-Filled Half Jokes to Boost Your Mood

What funny jokes about half you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean quarter jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make half pranks.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one orders a beer, the second one orders half a beer, the third one orders a quarter, and the fourth one orders one eighth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says,"you guys should know your limits."

My wife is turning 32 soon...


I've told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. After all, I said, The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.
What are you talking about? she asked.
I said, It's your thirty-second birthday.

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.

The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"
The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

Buying aspirin

Joe has always had an uncontrollable twitch in his left eyelid since young. Fred has a splitting headache and asks Joe to go get some aspirins. Half an hour later Joe comes back with a dozen packets of condoms.
"I asked you to get me aspirins, not condoms."
"Yeah, I went to a dozen drug stores, but have you ever tried asking for aspirin with a tic in your eye?"

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, "You're all a bunch of idiots."

My Favorite Math Joke

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one tells the bartender he wants a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender puts two beers on the bar and says You guys need to learn your limits.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first one orders a beer, the second one orders a half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and this trend continues on for some time. After a while, the bartender gets fed up and hands them 2 beers, shakes his head and says, "You mathematicians just don't know your limits."

I happily dad joked my fiancé

While on her way to work, she texted me saying she only put deodorant on one side.
To which I replied, "At least you won't smell half bad!"

So, an infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first mathematician orders a pint. The second orders half a pint. The third orders a quarter, the fourth orders an eighth, and the fifth orders a sixteenth. The sixth mathematician is about to speak up when the bartender interrupts him and puts two pints on the bar, saying "You guys don't know your limits."

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.

One in every 2 and a half men is h**... positive.

An infinite number of people walk into a bar...

...the first one orders a beer.
The second one orders half a beer.
The third one orders a quarter of a beer.
The bartender stops them and pours two full beers.
The infinite hoard is outraged and demands more, to which the bartender responds "C'mon, guys. Know your limits".

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

First one says give me half a pint. Second one says a quarter, third says an eighth. The bartender puts down one pint and says, you people need to know your limits.

A woman is at the park with her son when he starts misbehaving.

She looks at him sternly and says "If you don't stop before I count to 3, we're going home!"
1...
2...
2 and a half...
2 and three quarters...
2 and five sevenths...
Just then a man taps her on the shoulder and hands her his business card. Hi I work for Gabe Newell, co-founder of Valve, and we're looking for a new Vice President. I think you're just what we're looking for. Call me on Monday and we'll talk.

My buddy went to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back...

Half way through he said "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand."
The tattooist said "Hang on pal, I've only just finished his turban."

I kept pulling the string from my Christmas hat and now its half the size

Oops, wrong thread

How do you make a human corpse float?

Two scoops ice cream, one scoop human corpse, and half a liter of root beer.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one walks up and orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third one wants 1/4 of a beer, and the next wants just 1/8th. The bartender sees where this is going, and stops them before anyone else can order.
The bartender pours two beers, hands them over, and says "You guys should really know your limits".

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stuck on an island

The redhead tries to swim back to land, gets a quarter of the way there, gets tired, and swims back.
The brunette decides to try, swims a third of the way there, gets tired, and swims back.
Finally the blonde tries, swims half of the way there, gets tired, swims back.

My girlfriend "Dad joked" me on a hike.

I asked my girlfriend what she thought trees would sound like if they talked while on a hike.
She said "I bet we couldn't understand them"
I said "why do you think that?"
She said "because they probably only bark"
She then laughed the next half mile down the trail barking occasionally and saying "shh, shh, do you hear that? Thats a tree talking in the distance"

A bag of Frito Lays and a bra are the same...

Once you open them you realize there's only half of what you thought inside

How much c**... did Charlie Sheen do?

Enough to kill two and a half men.

An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first says, I'll have a beer. The second says, I'll have half a beer. The third says, I'll have a quarter of a beer. Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. Come on, now, he says to the group, You guys have got to learn your limits.

Society is full of double standards

For example, when Ariel from The Little Mermaid swims around half n**..., singing with her underwater friends, people say that she is "sweet" and "beautiful"
But when I do it, people say that I'm "drunk" and "no longer welcome at the aquarium".

A resourceful woman...

A woman gets into a very busy restaurant around lunch time.
She is told the next available table would be free in an hour.
She holds her phone to her ear, and with a loud voice says:
"*Honey, you won't believe it, but your husband is having lunch with his girlfriend at so-and-so restaurant*"
Half the diners instantly get up and rush to the exit..

An Arab and a Jew stand in front of a h**... statue.

The Jew spits on the statue.
Arab: why did you do that?
Jew: because he killed half my people.
The Arab spits on the statue as well.
Jew: why did you do that?
Arab: because he didn't kill the other half.

An infinite number of people walk into a bar...

The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer...
The bartender pulls out two beers and tells them to know their limits.

People who eat Tide Pods are idiots.

The Costco brand pods are half the price. Just saying.

t**... holding dad at gunpoint-

t**...: "Say your last words!"
Dad: "Your last words!"
t**...: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!"
Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?"
t**...: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?"
Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I saw that monster henway."
t**...: "What's a 'henway'"?
Dad: "About a pound and a half."
t**...: "Stop! I'm serious!"
Dad: "Hi Sirius! I'm Dad!"

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have a beer." The second says, "I'll have half a beer." The third says, "I'll have a quarter of a beer." And so on.

The bartender hands them two glasses of beer and says, "You guys need to know your limits."

A lot of people complain about reposts, but I ran the numbers and only about 0.2% of people actually repost jokes here

Earth has ~7 and a half billion people; this sub only has ~14 million

Dear Brits: We have received your ultimatum and have scrounged for the ransom...

...but we could only come up with half.
Feel free to him back halfway and we'll wire the funds. Thanks, the US

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."...

...The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"

My wife wanted to get into "role play" to spice things up in the bedroom

I asked what she had in mind.
"Let's play doctor", she said.
I told her to go in the bedroom, shut the door, take off all of her clothes and wait on the bed for me.
After a half an hour I walked in, told her to lose 20 lbs. and handed her a bill for $300.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." Stunned, the woman sits down and complains to the man next to her. "I can't believe that rude driver! He was so insulting to me! I have half I mind to tell him off!" The man replies, "You should. Let him have it. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Locked in her basement

A woman I work with locked me in her basement for two months once and used me as her s**... s**....
One day I noticed she forgot to lock the door and I thought, "Great, this is my chance!"
So I ran up the stairs and grabbed the phone.
Half hour later the pizza arrived, and I went back down to the basement.

it's just taken me half an hour to get my girlfriends bra off

it's the last time i'm trying it on

Wife: Would you care to explain why the bottle of whisky you bought yesterday is half empty?

Me : It's because you're a pessimist.

A mathematician And an engineer decided to take part in an experiment.

They were both put in a room and at the other end was a n**... woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they could travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician stormed off, calling it pointless. The engineer was still in. The mathematician said Don't you see? You'll never get close enough to actually reach her. The engineer replied, So? I'll be close enough for all practical purposes.

I asked Vincent van gogh to get me 6 eggs from the store, he came back with three...

Forgot he can only hear half of what I'm saying

A couple just had their first son , the husband is half Irish and half Indian , the wife half chinese and half Italian both wishes to have their son name after their heritage ..

After much argument they decided on the name.
Ravi O'Lee

At breakfast, the wife asks her husband What would you do if I won the Lotto?

He says, I'd take my half and leave you.
She says, "Great. Here's $6, I won $12 yesterday! Stay in touch.

Lenin was on the deathbed, with Stalin sitting by his side...

Lenin says: "Joseph... I'm not sure you're the right man to lead the country after me. I don't know if the people will follow you."
Stalin responds: "Don't worry, Vladimir Ilyich. Half of the country will follow me, and the other half will follow you."

An infinite number of mathematicians enter a bar

The first orders a pint of beer. The second half a pint, the third a quarter ad infinitum. The bartender just pours two pints and says "sort it out yourselves."

I've spent an hour and a half now trying to explain "sunk cost fallacy" to my son

He's no nearer understanding it than when we started, and it's giving me a serious headache.
But if I quit now I'll have had all this for nothing!

Dropped my best ever dad joke & no one was around to hear it

I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.
I said "hey look, an escaPEA"
No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!

Redditors are very environmentally aware

More than half the content on the front page is recycled

My neighbor claims his Golden Retriever dog can bring a ball back from half a mile away..

That seems a bit far-fetched to me..

In a couple weeks, all gas stations are going to cut prices in half for a whole day

April Fuels!

My girlfriend said, I am breaking up with you because of your addiction of wearing a different t-shirt every half an hour.

I said, Wait! I can change.

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones.

One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

Now that Elon Musk has bought Twitter and laid off half the staff, he's planning on buying YouTube and Facebook and doing the same with them. To save even more money, he plans on merging the three companies into one…

…He's going to call it YouTwitFace.

While admiring some dinosaur bones in the Museum of Natural History, a tourist asks the guard, "How old are they?"

The guard replies, "They are 73 million, four years, and six months old."
"That's a rather exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
"Well," answers the guard, "The dinosaur bones were seventy three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

I bought a book titled How to Solve Half Your Problems.

I read it twice, now I'm problem free.

I once told someone I had a half brother

They said Oh different mother or different father? And I said Niether, there was a shark attack

I cut my birthday cake in half and ate both sides.

I wanted to halve my cake and eat it too
Today is my cake day

A blonde walks into a blind date

Nice to meet you she says to her date as they seat themselves in the booth
So tell me about yourself. What do you do for work? She asks the man
Oh I'm an optometrist he replies
The blonde flashes a big smile and says I think this is going to work out after all, I'm a glass half full girl myself

Financial Advice

With inflation at 7.5%, you lose half your money in 9 years. The only way to outperform that consistently, that I have found, is crypto. Just this year I've already lost half my money.

Half joke, Financial Advice

jokes about half