Hairy Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Whats wet on the inside and hairy on the outside. It starts with 'C', ends with 'T', and has a 'U' and an 'N' in the middle.

Coconut.

A young boy is bathing with his mother

Boy says, Whats that hairy thing mom?

Mom replies, That is my sponge.

Oh yes, says the boy, The babysitters got one, I've seen her washing dads face with it.

What begins with a " C" ends with a "T" has a "U and a "N" in it, is hairy on the outside and wet in the middle.

A coconut.

I just got fired from my job as a bingo caller...

Apparently, "A meal for two with a hairy view" is *not* an appropriate way of calling out number 69...

What is hairy on the outside, wet and fleshy on the inside, begins with C and ends with T, and has both a U and a N in it?

Coconut

A boy is in the shower with his mum.

The boy says, "Whats that hairy thing mum?"
Mum replies, "That is my sponge."
"Oh yeah," says the boy, "The babysitters got one too, she likes to wash dad's face with it!

What starts with a 'C', contains the letters U, N, and T, is hairy on the outside, and soft on the inside?

A coconut!

What's the difference between a coyote and a flea?

One howls on the prairie; the other prowls on the hairy.

Three women and ducks

Three women die in a car accident and go to heaven when they are at the gate god tells them that there is only one rule and that is that you may not step on a duck. They women enter and do their best to enjoy heaven while being cautious about where they step for there are ducks everywhere. After about a week one of the three women steps on a duck and suddenly this old, smelly, repulsive and hairy man is chained to her for life. This only makes the other women more careful and another month passes by when a second of the three women steps on a duck. Then chained to her is a man more repulsive then the first. The third woman becomes ever so cautious and make it a whole year without treading upon a duck. Chained to her is a handsom, muscular and wonderful gentleman. She says to him "What happened to you?" he replies " I stepped on a duck..."

Never confuse a Kiwi with an Aussie.

One's a soft, hairy fruit and the other's a Kiwi!

A Foot And A Half

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.

Don't worry, Maria, says the mother, all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!

Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.

So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!

Stay here and stir the pasta, says the mother.

This is a job for Mama.

The Ballerina

This nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"

The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!"

After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and states, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"

The drunk replies, "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"

An old woman joins a gang.

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.
She went to a bar where she new they hung out and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms was at the entrance.
She proclaims "I want to join your biker club."
The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asks her "You have a bike?"
The little old lady says "Yea, that's my Harley over there" and points to a Harley parked in the parking lot.
The biker asks her "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady says "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?"
The little old lady says "No, never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

One day the male gorilla at a zoo's enclosure dies...

...The female is about to go into mating season so they are desperately searching for a replacement for the male gorilla. So, after trying all of the neighboring zoos they see the Greek janitor raking leaves with his hairy back for all to see. They approach him and ask,

"Will you sleep with the female gorilla for $500?"

He replies,

"I'll need to think about it overnight"

The next day he comes in and walks up and says,

"OK, I'll do it under one condition."

"Anything," they reply.

"Ok, you are going to have to give me a week to come up with the $500."

Hairy

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.


The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.


Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days.

Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms.

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days.

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week.

My dad's favorite joke.

A lady walks into a cafe and orders a burger from the cashier. She notices the cook isn't wearing a shirt and curiously watches him prepare her food. He takes a handful of ground beef and slaps it against his hairy stomach, flips it over, and does the same to the other side. Appalled, the lady looks at the cashier and says, "Eww, that's *disgusting*!" The cashier replies, "If you think that's gross, you should see him make donuts."

What's the difference between your mom and an alpaca?

One's a hairy beast that spits and the other's native to South America.

An old ugly wife is looking in the mirror...

Listing all the things wrong with her old flabby hairy body while her husband lays on the bed watching an ocean documentary on TV.

"I'm disgusting, aren't I?"

He doesn't respond.

"Hey! Answer me! I look like a whale, don't I!?"

He responds, "No! Absolutely not, you don't look anything like a whale, my dear..."

Before she could get out an "aww thanks", he says "Have you *seen* how stunningly beautiful those creatures are!?!"

What has four hairy legs and sleeps with my sister?

My father and I

If a bearded man makes vases...

Is he a hairy potter?

I got fired from my Bingo Caller Job...

Apparently "A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way you say 69.

Corn

Three guys are walking in the desert. They haven't had anything to drink for almost 3 days. They come across an old shack and knock on the door. An old, fat, hairy, repulsive woman opens the door. They ask for a drink and she says only if you f*ck me. The first guy says "screw that!" And storms off. The 2nd guy notices a plate of corn on the cob laying on the table. He says only if you keep your eyes closed. So he then proceeds to f*ck her with the corn until she says stop. The 3rd person does the same. They both throw the corn out the window and they get their water. They go outside and see the 1st guy. They tell him to go inside and get the water. But before they could finish the story he says "screw that! I want more of that butterd corn!"

Whats curved and hairy on the outside, wet and juicy on the inside, begins with a C, ends with a T, and has a U and an N in it?

a coconut

What do you call a bearded gardener?

Hairy Potter

Ballerina

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England. She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, a bleary-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's none of my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina' ?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."

I'm hard and hairy on the outside but soft and wet on the inside. My name begins with c , ends in t , and there's a u and n in between them. What am i?

A coconut.

What would Chewbacca be called if he worked with porcelain?

Hairy Potter

Why was two piece swimsuit invented?

To separate the hairy from the dairy.

What is dark and hairy on the outside, soft and moist on the inside, starts with a C, ends with a T, and has a U and an N in it?

A coconut

Searching for Sasquatch

Two men are on a hunt through the forest looking for Sasquatch.

After days and days of searching and not even finding a footprint, they happen to run into an old native man.

They ask the man "Have you by any chance seen a Sasquatch around here?"

Confused, he replies "Sasquatch?"

They answer him "Sasquatch..you know; big, hairy, smells bad.."

"Oh!" he replies. "You mean squawsnatch!"

What do you call a hairy puzzle?

Pubik's Cube.

Alternate Lyrics: I kissed a Trans and I liked it.

The taste of her hairy lap stick.

How do you insult a Russian?

Yo motherland so hairy, she put the bush in babushka.

A boy with a wooden eye asked a girl with a hairy lip to the prom...

Seeing how nobody else would likely go with them, the boy with the wooden eye asks the girl with the hairy lip, "Would you like to go to Prom with me?".

The girl with the hairy lip, surprised and excited says, "Would I!?".

"HAIRY LIP", replied the boy.

What starts with C, ends with T, has U and N in the middle, is really hairy, and has lots of tasty liquid inside? ;)

A coconut.

I hate having to brush my teeth in the morning.

I must be the only person in the world with hairy teeth.

Yo mama so hairy

She gotta comb her wrist to see what time it is

What is the big hairy thing between Napoleon's legs?

His horse Marengo

Bathing with Mom

A boy in bath with his mum asks: "What's that hairy thing?

Mum says:"That's my sponge."

The boy says: "Oh yeah, babysitters got one too. I have seen her washing Dads face with it."

I like my girls like Han from Star Wars

with a hairy Wookie.

You guys see that new hairy guy who started last week?? Moving slow, bad temper, and you can't understand a word he's saying..

C'mon guys, take it easy on him.. He'll get it soon enough, he's still just a Wookie..

Big Italian guy making dough

So I'm in a pizza shop/italian bakery. Like a legit mom and pop old country kind of place. While I'm waiting for my pie I notice a large, sweaty italian man which an exceptionally hairy chest poking out of his wife beater. He is spinning some dough when all of a sudden he slips and instead of catching it, the dough lands on his chest and he peels it off his sweaty hairy pectorals.

He goes back to spinning the dough and I say hey you're not going to use that are you? He says, yeah itll go in the oven and the germs will die. I tell him to get me his manager. I explain what happened and the manager looks at me and says "that ain't nuttin! you should see when hes making donuts!"

What do you call a small hairy man of folk legend who's selfish during an orgy?

A knob-hoggin' hobgoblin!

What's green and hairy and skies down a mountain

a skiwi

My beard is at its optimal length.

If it gets any longer things get a bit hairy.

Boy arrives home from school and wails: Mum, everyone says I'm too hairy.

Mum yells to her husband: Honey, the dog is talking!!

What do you call a cow with a hairy lip?

Moooostached

OC: What does a limo driver and a hairy stripper have in common?

They both get paid to chauffeur. (show fur)

A little boy was in the bath with his mom.

The boy said "What's that hairy thing, mommy?", She replied, "That is my sponge honey". "Ohhh," said the boy, "The babysitter has one too. I saw dad washing his face with it!"

A recent report shows that

Gangs are now using dogs instead of knives, I tried this.

My toast was very hairy

A little boy is in the bath with his mum and asks her what the hairy thing he found in the water is?

* Oh, that's just mummy's sponge * she replies
 

* Ah thought so * says the little boy * The baby sitter has got one of those, I've seen her washing daddy's face with it! *

I didn't get the job I was hoping for...

They gave it to a little hairy Australian dude. I guess he was more koalafied.

Was doing an image search for Gary Oldman

Accidentally forgot the R. Results were hairy.

Tell your best Yo Mama jokes here

yo mama so fat, her bellybutton got home fifteen minutes before she did.
yo mama so fat and hairy, instead of getting crabs in her pubes, she got monkeys.
yo mama so fat, i took a picture of her last christmas, and its still printing

I was held hostage at a barber shop once.

It was a hairy situation.

I can't wait for this weekend's big Sci-Fi Rom-Com movie opening...

Star Wars: When Hairy Met Solo

Walking past the funeral directors.

I was walking past the funeral directors the other day, and I looked in, and was shocked to see a large, hairy elephant in a black suit showing a family a head stone.

I thought to myself "That's a mammoth undertaking."

What are the funniest hairy jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Hairy? Well, here are the best Hairy puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Hairy pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes