Haircut Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

A man has a sore throat and goes to the doctor...

Doctor: "Your tonsils gotta come out."

Patient: "I want a second opinion!"

Doctor: "Okay, I don't like your haircut."

Not everyone can brag about getting a handjob from their barber after a haircut...

But then again, not everyone cuts their own hair.

Where do sheep get their haircut?

At the Bah-Bah-Shop

Whats the most expensive haircut?

***Chemotherapy***

My girlfriend was crying because she got a bad haircut

I said, "why are you crying? I'm the one that has to find a new girlfriend"

A man and a boy walked into a barbershop together.

After the man got his haircut, he sat the boy in the barber's chair and said, "I'm just going to run around the corner to grab a paper." When the boy's haircut was donw, the man still hadn't returned. The barber said, "It looks like your dad's forgotten about you." "Oh, that wasn't my dad," the boy said, "He just walked up to me on the street, took my hand and said, "Come on, we're going to get a free haircut.""

It takes a big man to accept when he is wrong

It takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut

What Do You Call A Line Of Men Waiting For A Haircut?

A Barbecue.

Christmas crackers are just full of laughs.

Which haircut would cost you the most?

Chemotherapy

What does Bernie Sanders say when he gets a haircut?

Remove only the top 1% please.

A priest, a monk, and a Rabbi walk into a barbershop.

A priest walks into a barbershop. After he gets his hair cut, he goes to pay. The barber says "I do not charge men of faith." The next day the priest leaves twelve eggs in front of the barbershop as thanks.

Soon after, a monk walks into the same barbershop and gets his hair cut for free. The monk leaves twelve apples by the door as thanks.

A few days later, a Rabbi walks into the barbershop. He gets his free haircut. The next day the barber comes to work to see twelve Rabbis by the door.

The Old Cowboy's Shave

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Montana for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.

The barber replied, Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does .

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain

"I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman.

"I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave."

Clean Shave

An old drover walks into a barber shop in Black Stump Crossing, NT, Aussie, for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old drover to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old drover tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in yonks, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

Very few people can brag about getting a handjob from their barber after a haircut nowadays.

Then again, very few people cut their own hair.

I just ran into my barber on the street. He asked me how I liked the haircut he gave me last week.

I told him it's growing on me.

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?"

Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes."

In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, "this must be good, where did he go when he left here?"

Joey says, "To your house!"

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night...

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night, and she said, If you lost a few pounds, had a shave, and got your haircut, you'd look alright. I said, If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.

Getting a haircut is a lot like the first time with a new lover...

There isn't really any conversation besides some nervous laughter and her asking me "How long has it been?" and "Do you like that?" and I'm never sure how much tip is appropriate.

Then I pay her, say thanks, and leave.

Old man gets a shave at the barber

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Montana for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.
The barber replied, Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does .

I understand now why women have long hair

If I had to pay as much for a haircut, I'd put it off too.

The very famous barber

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before Icon get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About three hours." The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey. Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he haste wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."

A lithe while later. Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he let here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

An old cowboy

walks into a barbershop in Dillon, Montana for a
shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little
wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have
happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.

How long before I can get a haircut?

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back." A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"

A man is getting his haircut at the barbershop...

A kid walks in and the barber says to his customer, "this is the dumbest kid in the world, look I'll prove it to you"

The barber takes out a dollar bill in one hand and 2 quarters in the other and proceeds to ask the kid, "Young man, which of these would you like?"

The kid thinks for a second and then grabs the 2 quarters and leaves.

The barber turns to his customer and says, "See I told you! He is an idiot!"

After leaving the barbershop, the man sees the kid across the street coming out of the ice cream store.

He walks over and asks, "Hey kid, how come you took the quarter and not the dollar?!?"

The kid responds, "Once I take the dollar, that idiot's game will end"

Barber shop

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.

The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

Barber Shop

One day at a local barber shop a priest went in to get his hair cut. After he finished he asks the barber how much he owes him for the haircut. The barber politely responds with "For you, it is free of charge. Think of it as my way of giving back to my religion". The priest is very thankful and leaves. The next day the barber arrives to his shop and find 12 prayer cards on the doorstep from the priest in repayment for the kind act.

That very same day a police officer comes into the shop to get his haircut. After he is finished he asks the barber the same question and the barber says "For you, it is free of charge. Think of it as my way of giving back to my community". The police officer is also very grateful and leaves. The next day the barber returns to find 12 doughnuts on his doorstep in repayment for the free haircut.

Around 3 o'clock on that day a United States Senator comes in for his haircut. After he is finished he asks the barber how much he owes him and says "This one will be free, think of it as my way of giving back to my country". The next day the barber arrives at his shop and is astonished to see 12 U.S. senators waiting at his doorstep.

I thought I hated my haircut

But it's starting to grow on me.

I got a haircut recently

I didn't like it at first, but now it's growing on me.

What's worse than a fat guy with a ridiculous haircut who's brainwashed his supporters into viewing him as a god whilst having his finger on the button for nuclear warfare?...

Two fat guys with ridiculous haircuts who've brainwashed their supporters into viewing them as gods whilst having their fingers on the buttons for nuclear warfare!


[Scariest of all is that it's true :( ]

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop full of customers.....

....He asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back." A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?"

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"

At first I hated my new haircut

Then it grew on me

What did the left leg say to the right leg?

Between me and you, we need a haircut.

(I got this from some UK magazine years ago)

Cowboy shave

Old Joe Peters walks into a barbershop in Miles City for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little wooden ball.

The barber replied: Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does ...

How long before I can get a haircut?

A guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"The barber looks around the shop and replies, "About two hours." The guy closes the door and leaves.A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." Once again, the guy turns and leaves the shop.A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"The barber looks around the shop and answers, "About an hour and a half." The guy walks out quickly.The barber, curious, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop laughing. The barber asks, "Bill, where did the guy go when he left here?""To your house."

"Love me do" was written by John Lennon...

After he got a really nice haircut

Politican sees the scottish barber

A politician went to his Scottish barber and asked, "Cut the word 'yes' into my haircut in back so when I sleep they'll know my vote.".

A week later he comes back and asks, "What did you do? My wife stopped cheating, and I've now got a reputation for looking out for corruption."


Barber says, "Well ye do have an 'aye' in the back of yer head."

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar, and orders a drink.
As the bartender pours his drink, he begins to hear little voices saying nice things to him.
"Great tie, looks nice with those shoes."
"Swell haircut."

He asks the bartender about the voices, and the bartender replies, "Oh. It's the peanuts, they're complimentary."

A man and a boy go into a barbershop.

After getting his haircut, the man says, Now cut the boy's hair too. I'll be back soon.

When he's finished cutting the boy's hair, the barber says, When is your father coming back to pay?

The boy says, He's not my father. He met me in the street and asked if I wanted a free haircut.

I got a haircut last week...

At first I didn't like it but it's growing on me.

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.

"I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time: haircut and new color, new outfit and big sunglasses, and then she waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

A man walks into a barbershop

He tells the barber, "Could you give me a haircut, where you cut one sideburn is longer than the other, you use the razor to make several baldspots on the front of my head, and you make clear zigzags down the back of my head?"

The barber responds, "That's terrible! I can't do that."

The man retorts, "But that's what you did last time!"

So, I went to go get my haircut..

And I told the barber to make the left side a little shorter than my right. Then I told him to make a couple of little holes and bald patches. And for the back of my head, don't make my hairline equal. Make it a zigzag.

He looks at me and says, "Come on, you know I can't do that, it wouldn't be right!"

And I'm like, "I don't see the problem, you did it last time..."

A man walks into a bar alone and sits down at the table. It's just him and the bartender, but out of nowhere he starts hearing these voices.

Hey there, like your shirt!
Sweet tie
Looking good with that haircut
Wow you're handsome

Blushing, but scared and confused, the man looks to the bartender and asks, Okay, am I going crazy or do you hear those voices too?

With a laugh the bartender replies, Oh, don't mind them. Those are just the complimentary peanuts!

How does the moon get a haircut?

Eclipse it

At first I hated my new haircut...

but it's growing on me.

Cristiano Ronaldo Went to the barbershop for a new haircut.

He went home to his girlfriend and asked, "Well what do you think?". She took a couple of minutes looking his new hair cut over and replied "Well... at least it's not Messi".

A man didn't like his haircut

But it started to grow on him

I just saw a black guy running down the road with a Cape on

I shouted, "Are you a Superhero?".

He said, "No, I haven't paid for my haircut!".

Where does a sheep go to get his haircut?

The baa-aaa-rber shop.

Where do sheep go to get a haircut?

To the baabaa shop

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there
were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

Dad, I just got a haircut, what do you think?

"Why didn't you get all of them cut?"

I got a new haircut about a week ago.

It's starting to grow on me.

Not paying for a meal is called a Dine and Dash..

Surely not paying for a haircut is a cut and run?

I got a haircut and they cut it way too short

It started to grow on me though

A blonde goes to get her haircut.

When she sits down onto the chair, the hairdresser notices that she's wearing headphones. The hairdresser asks her to take them off, but she refused. She said, "If I take these off I'll die." The hairdresser was puzzled, but she cuts her hair anyways. While she's getting her haircut, the blonde falls asleep. The hairdresser takes off her headphones, but a few minutes later, the blonde collapses to the floor and dies. The hairdresser was shocked, but also curious as to why those headphones were so important. She puts them on, and she hears a voices saying,"Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out."

What does the man on the moon do when he needs a haircut?

Eclipse it.

I didn't like my haircut at first

but it grew on me

The Physical act of love

[When the couple were about to make love]

girl : i want you to hurt me.

boy : your sister's more successful than you.

girl : wait,

boy : not a big fan of the new haircut.

girl : stop please stop, it really hurts.

After months of my dad asking if I am going to get a haircut, I tell him I'm keeping it. "Why?" He asks.

"It grew on me."

Barber

So a busy guy needed to get his haircut, but later found out he had a meeting right after.

He went into the barber shop where he was greeted warmly.
He sat down in a chair, and asked the barber if he could hurry up.

"I could, but I'd have to cut it a little short"

A Buddhist monk, a priest, and a rabbi go to the barber for a haircut...

The priest goes in for a haircut first. When he was paying at the counter, the barber tells him that he is a man of god, so he doesn't have to pay. The priest thanks him, and the next morning the barber finds 10 gold coins on his counter.
The next day, the Buddhist monk goes in for a haircut. When he was paying, the barber tells him that he doesn't have to pay, as he was a monk and all of that meditating and praying was hard work. The next morning, the barber finds 10 rubies on his counter.
The next day, the rabbi goes in for a haircut. When he goes to pay, the barber tells him that he is a shepherd of his people and he does not have to pay. The Rabbi thanks him and leaves. The next day, 10 rabbis go into his shop for a haircut.

I don't think I'll attend Christmas dinner this year.

My wife gave me a haircut this morning, and now she said she's going to make Christmas dinner with all the trimmings.

I came up with this one during my haircut.

Barber: Sir, you are losing hair, your hair is thinning.
/*I sensed that im about to get some treatment suggestion*/
Me: So, are you planning for any discount on final bill?

She chuckled.

A guy walks into a bar and has a drink...

After his first sip, he hears a high pitched voice say, "Hey mister, I like your tie!" He looks around but has no idea where the voice is coming from.

"Hey mister, I like your shoes!" he hears the voice say again. He scans the bar and it doesn't appear the voice came from anyone in the room.

He takes another sip of his drink and hears the voice one more time, "Hey mister, I like your haircut!"

Frustrated, the man gets up and walks over to the bartender. "I keep hearing this high pitched voice! Where's it coming from!?"

The bartender looks up at the man and says, "Oh those are the peanuts. They're complimentary."

I went to get my haircut and told the barber not to take too much off.

He only took off his trousers.

I went to the barber shop a few days ago to cut my hair...

I didn't like my haircut first, but then it grew on me

Haircut

A man and a little boy go into the barber's.
The man has his hair done and then sits the little lad in the chair.
"Now wait here when your finished, I'm just off to do some shopping." says the man and leaves without paying.
Two hours later, the boy's still waiting, when the barber says, "I think your dad's forgotten you".
The little fella says, "He's not my dad, we just met outside and he asked me if I wanted a free haircut".

How does a barber give the Sun a haircut?

Eclipse it.

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks,

"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.

The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

I thought I got a bad haircut

But it kind of grew on me

It's not everyday you can get a haircut and a hand job at the same time.

Then again, not everyone cuts their own hair.

Where does a sheep go for a haircut?

Replied with " at the baaaaaa baaaa shop"

A joke my physics teacher told us

Student: "Did you get a haircut?"

Teacher: "No I got them all cut."

I really hated my new short haircut

But it's growing on me.

A barber asked a man how he wants his haircut

In silence

A man goes to a barber shop...

"How much for a haircut?"
"$20" answers the barber.
"What about shaving?"
"$10"
"Okay, shave my head, please."

Not a fan of your haircut? Don't worry...

It'll grow on you.

I don't know if I like my new haircut,

but it will grow on me.

What do call a bad haircut you got from a Native American?

A-patchy scalping

At first I didn't like my new haircut

but it slowly grew on me.

I got a haircut recently.

I thought it was too short at first, but it's started to grow on me.

What are the funniest haircut jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Haircut? Well, here are the best Haircut puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Haircut pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes