Hair Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

So I told my wife she'd look sexier with her hair back

Apparently that's not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.

Just found out the local barber has been arrested for selling drugs.

I've been a customer of his for 15 years and I didn't even know he cut hair.

All of the heroes of Overwatch have natural hair colors...

Because heroes never dye.

Why is Pavlov's hair so soft?

Classic conditioning.

I went to the doctors with hearing problems...

He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"
So I replied "Homers fat, and Marge has blue hair"

What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brunette?

Artificial intelligence

*

I was talking to a girl in a bar last night

She said, "If you lost a few kgs, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

I went to the doctors with hearing problems

He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"

I said "Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair"

A student comes to a young professor's office hours...

She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "I would do... anything."

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"Anything."

His voice softens. "Anything??"

"Absolutely anything."

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"

My wife said she wanted to see 50 Shades of Grey.

So I took a photo of her hair!

Do not shampoo in the shower

I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner.
I used shampoo in the shower and when we wash our hair the shampoo runs down our whole body.
Printed clearly on the shampoo label is the warning,

"For extra body and volume."

No wonder I have been gaining weight.
I got rid of shampoos and start using dish washing liquid. Its label reads

"Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."

Follow this and stay slim and trim forever.

How does the man in the moon cut his hair? (From my 9yo child)

Eclipse it.

Peter is different

A couple have 13 children, 12 of them are blonde and have blue eyes, 1 has black hair and brown eyes, his name is Peter. One day the wife of the couple is dying of illness, her husband is sitting on her bed. The husband says "Our Peter is different from the other kids, does he have a different father?" His wife says yes. And, the man says, "Then, who is his dad?" Upon which his wife says, "You".

I found my first grey pubic hair today

I just didn't expect it to be in my Big Mac

Why do bald men cut holes in their pockets?

So they can run their hands through their hair.

I went to the doctor with hearing problems..

He said "can you describe the symptoms?"

I said "Aye, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair!"

Who Did Princess Leia's Hair? (My daughter's joke)

Darth Braider



(I know, I know. She's a kid though. Lol)

Boy wants a car from his Dad

the Dad says, "first you gotta cut that hair."


Boy says, "but Dad, Jesus had long hair"


and Dad says
"that's right son, and Jesus walked everywhere"

(credit goes to the band The Silver Jews)

My son is sort of like rapunzel

But instead of letting his hair down he lets everybody down.

I said to my girlfriend that I think she'd look sexier with her hair back…

Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

A girl realizes that she has grown hair between her legs

She gets worried and asks her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly says, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she tells her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiles and says, "That's nothing; mine is already eating bananas."

[NSFW] Anne recently noticed she had hair growing between her legs...

Frantic, she asks her mom what's going on.

Her mother replies, "Don't worry sweetie, the part where the hair grows is called the Monkey. Be proud that your Monkey is growing hair."

The girl sighs in relief, and later at the dinner table she smiled and told her older sister Beth, "I've got hair growing on my Monkey."

The sister laughs and replies back, "That's nothing, mine is already eating bananas."

Why did the midget get kicked out of the nudist colony?

He kept getting in everyone's hair.

My girlfriend lost all her hair during chemotherapy and she was crying for hours.

I said, "Why are you so upset? It's just hair. I'm the one that's gotta find a new girlfriend."

What shape is your hair in the morning?

A wrecktangle. (Made up by my 10 year old daughter :)

An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"

I suggested my girlfriend she would look sexier with her hair back...

Apparently it's an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

I told my wife she'd look sexier with her hair back.

Apparently that's not something you should say to a cancer patient.

I like my pizza like I like my women

Absolutely no pubic hair.

Not everyone can brag about getting a handjob from their barber after a haircut...

But then again, not everyone cuts their own hair.

A piece of rope walks into a bar...

Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve rope here"

Rope walks outside, frizzes up his hair, and ties himself in a knot, and walks back into the bar.

Bartender says "Hey, aren't you the same piece of rope that I just kicked out of here?"

Rope says "No, I'm a frayed knot"

How does the man on the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it.

I suggested my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back..

Apparently it was an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

I went to the doctors with hearing problems...

He said "Can you describe the symptoms?" I said "Homer's a fat guy and Marge has blue hair"

Student walks into professor's office

She says, "I'm just not doing very well in your class. I was wondering if there was anything I could do to raise my grade?"

The professor looks her up and down and asks, "What are you willing to do to raise your grade?"

"I'd do *anything*," she answers coyly, playing with her hair.

"Anything?"

"*Anything*!" she repeats with a knowing grin.

"Would you....study?"

What do paedophiles and tortoises have in common?

What do paedophiles and tortoises have in common?

They both want to get there before the hair

Sometimes i just sit & run my fingers thru my wife's hair.

It's a nice way to tell her i love her.

And also that we're outta napkins.

I have a huge phobia of hair.

I dreadlocks.

It's interesting how different a US president looks at the end of their presidency. Obama had gray hair. Bush had a bunch of wrinkles..

At the end of JFKs presidency, half of his head was missing.

What is Pavlov's favorite hair product?

Conditioner

A piece of string walks into a bar...

and tries to order a drink.

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve pieces of string here"

The string goes back outside, ties himself up, and messes up his hair.

The string goes back into the bar and orders again.

The bartender asks, "Aren't you that piece of string?"

"No," says the string, "I'm a frayed knot"

My first original joke.

What happens to a black mans hair when it feels nauseous??

It fro's up.

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.

Her mom calmly said- "that part where hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair" the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister-"my monkey has grown hair"

Her sister smiled and said-"that's nothing, mine is already eating bananas" .

Well would you?

A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam. " She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean.. " she whispers, ".. I would do ANYTHING!! " He returns her gaze. "Anything?? " "Yes,.. Anything! " She says. His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you.. study?? "

I told a girl she would look better with her hair back and she got really offended.

Chemo patients are so sensitive.

A piece of string walks into a bar

The bar tender says sorry we don't serve you kind round here

The string leaves, twists himself up, parts his hair and walks back into the bar,

The bartender says sorry aren't you the same guy from before

The string replies I'm a frayed knot

Why did the bald man have his hand down his pants?

So he could run his fingers through his hair!

I found my first grey pubic hair today.

However, i didn't freak out about it like the other people in the elevator.

My wife said she wanted to see "Fifty Shades Of Grey".

So I showed her a picture of her hair.

So my friend had some issue with his hearing....

My friend was having some issues with his hearing, so he booked a doctor's appointment. The doctor checked him over and had a look in his ears. The doctor said "okay. So, describe the symptoms". My friend said "well, there's homer. He's the dad. And there's Marge, she's got big blue hair..."

A man walks into a barbershop...

...and says, "I want you to cut my hair longer on the left side and shorter on the right side. Make it uneven along the back, jagged in the front, and take out a big chunk right near the top."

The barber says, "I'm sorry, sir, but I can't do that."

The man replies, "Why not? It's what you did last time."

Went to see my doctor about a blocked ear

He asked me to describe the symptoms.
I said homer is a fat bloke and marge has blue hair

An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him.

He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man Just stared.

Every time the young man looked,the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.

What is hairy on the outside, wet and fleshy on the inside, begins with C and ends with T, and has both a U and a N in it?

Coconut

My mate told me yesterday that he's started dating twins!

I asked how he could tell which one is which.


He said, 'Well, Andrea is really, really attractive - she has long blonde hair, sparkling blue eyes and plump red lips. Plus she's got a really nice body. Pretty much a perfect ten.


And Brian has a cock.'

They say that coconut water is good for hair.

Now, I understand why my pubes are growing like crazy recently.

I just discovered a major difference between me and Rapunzel.

Rapunzel lets her hair down but I let everybody near me down.

Why do so many lesbians have short hair?

They just get really excited about scissors.

A piece of string walks into a bar

A piece of string walks into a bar and walks up to the counter.

The bartender says, "Sorry mate, we don't serve pieces of string in here, get lost."

Upset, the piece of string walks out the door. A sudden thought strikes him. He ties himself in a knot and messes his hair up.

He walks back into the bar and approaches the counter. The bartender says, "Oi, aren't you that piece of string from before...?"

"No," says the piece of string, "I'm a frayed knot."

String

A piece of string walks into a bar and takes a seat.

The bartender says to the piece of string "We don't serve your kind around here!" and kicks the string out of the bar.

The string gathers his composure, messes his hair up, and ties himself in a knot. He then resumes his seat at the bar.

The bartender says "Hey, aren't you that piece of string I just kicked out?"

The string replies "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

Why did the bald guy cut a hole in his pocket?

Because he wanted to run his fingers through his hair.

How to get gum out of a child's hair?

With leukemia.

I am quite old, so I wasn't shocked today during a
thorough inspection to find that I had a gray pubic
hair.

The other people on the elevator seemed pretty surprised, though.

Son, you're kind of like rapunzel.

But instead of letting your hair down you let everyone in your life down.

What are the funniest hair jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Hair? Well, here are the best Hair puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Hair pick up lines to share with friends.

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