I hope she gets the message that we're not working out.
"What happened?" The father asks.
"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'
"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''
The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, have you gone by the school?"
"Not yet."
"Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also."
"Why?" asks the father.
"Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked, 'What, am I suppose to stand on.... my cock??'"
"Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come."
The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?" "No, not yet."
"Don't bother, I got expelled."
Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?"
"Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher."
"The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
She said "Fuck you".
So I'm pretty excited for 2019.
She said "fuck you". So i'm pretty excited about 2017.
She said «Fuck you». So im pretty excited for 2018
The Trainer replied, 'Outside the Gym, there is an ATM. Try that'
Just put a water bottle in the Pringles holder.
So far I've managed to lose £200.
Jehova's Fitness
Some relationships don't work out...
I'm calling it "Jehovah's Fitness"
Jenny, a blonde girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" Jenny asked.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good, Jenny," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day Jenny came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24
That's 7 years in a row now
That's 7 years in a row now.
I guess we just weren't working out.
I walked into the gym and see a bunch of ladies working out, I ask the guy who is running the gym, Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies? He smiles says Try the ATM in the lobby .
She is then deducted five points.
Dad: That's a very low goal. Have some ambition
Child: How about being a doctor?
Dad: That's right!
Child: Or a teacher, a prison guard, a gym trainer....
Dad: HAVE YOU BEEN USING MY COMPUTER?
The only problem is I'm British...
olutely wasted my gym membership.
It's really great how they notice my effort.
After they were done, they sat together in the locker room.
One turned to the other and said, "I'm sore, eh?"
The other said, "What for?"
That's seven years in a row now.
leaving the EU would've been a more effective way to lose pounds
I think I need to go personally to see what 's going on
I walk in and see a bunch of hot women working out. I walk up to the guy who is running the gym and ask him, " Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies over there?" He smiles at me and says, " Try the ATM Machine in the lobby."
"What?" I asked. "Hot and sweaty?"
"No," she replied. "Only a few members use it regularly."
For muscle mass.
I thought of this one in the shower this morning.
That's six years in a row now
She said "fuck you" so I'm pretty excited about 2018
I hope she gets the message that we're not working out.
He pointed outside and said "The ATM machine"
Two guys are in the gym working on their bench pressing when a busty coed comes up to the rack next to them and begins to do her workout. One guy turns to his spotter and says "hey you think that's a push up bra?" And his spotter says "nah brah, that's a squat"
Guess I should've prepared whey in advance
A man had a girlfriend named Wendy, and he loved her so much that he decided he wanted a tattoo of her name on his penis. So he did just that; a tattoo of "Wendy" down the length of his shaft. But he noticed that when his penis wasn't erect, that only the W and the y showed.
He's in the shower at his local gym one day, when he notices a black man with the same condition: a tattoo on his penis that only shows the W and the y. He decides to strike up a conversation. "So, your girlfriend's name is Wendy too?"
Confused, the black man replies, "No, this says, 'Welcome to Jamaica, enjoy your stay'"
I still call it James
Apparently I just wasn't working out.
I have 102 °F fever.
I go to the gym for an hour on Sunday morning and then don't think about it again for the rest of the week.
Husband asking the wife:
-Darling, do you want to come with me to the gym?
*-Are you saying I'm fat??*
-No, I was just thinking that we should maybe...
*-Are you saying I'm lazy??*
-No, no! Calm down, I didn't say that..
*-Why, you think I'm hysterical??*
-No, I wasn't saying that..
*-So you are calling me a liar now??*
-God no! You know what, I go alone then.
*-Wait a minute! Why do you want to go alone!?*
Hope she gets the message that we're not working out
An old man goes to the gym and asks a trainer, "I want to impress young beautiful girls. What's the best machine I can use?"
The trainer responds, "The ATM"
It's really good though, does everything! Kit Kats, Snickers, Milky Ways. The lot.
So far I've managed to lose £200.
He pointed outside and said The ATM
Because not all relationships work out.
We were just not working out.
"So I go to the pharmacy and ask the guy if they have any Viagara. The guy there says yes, so I ask if they work and he replies 'you bet'. So next I ask "can I get it over the counter" to which he replies 'if you take two' "
I used it, but after an hour I started feeling sick...
It's got Snickers, cheetos, Peanuts... Everything!
Apparently it's the ATM machine at my local bank.
A girl came skipping home from school one day. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10! Very good, said her mother. Is it because I'm blonde? the girl said. Yes, it's because you're blonde, said the mommy. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G! Very good, said her mother. Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy? Yes, it's because you're blonde. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these! And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. Very good, said her embarrassed mother. Is it because I'm blonde, mommy? No Honey, it's because you're 24.
They didn't believe I bought a gym membership.
It's called refusing to go to the gym
They start changing, and one guy notices his friend is wearing a sexy black bra. He says, "When the hell did you start wearing that?"
The other guy says, "Right after my wife found it in my car."
Boy To Gym Coach: "I Wanna Impress Cute Girl, I'm Gonna Meet In 3 Days Which Machine Should I Use?" Coach: "Use The ATM Machine Outside The Gym"
He gets to practice in the gym all day and then goes home and practices on his family.
it holds me just like my gym teacher did
Gonna focus on power walking & door knocking. I'll call it "Jehovah's Fitness"
"Mummy, mummy, all the other girls in my class can only count to 10 but I can count to 20. Is it because I'm blonde?"
Her mother replies:
"Yes dear, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the blonde comes home from school and says:
"Mummy, mummy, all the other girls in my class can't recite the alphabet, but I can. Is it because I'm blonde?"
"Yes dear, it's because you're blonde"
The next day she comes home and says:
"Mummy, mummy, today we were getting changed for gym class and all the other girls had flat chests but I had these."
She points to her breasts.
"Is it because I'm blonde?
"No dear, it's because you're 25."
There is a new machine at the gym. It's truly awesome! I almost puked after an hour, it really has it all.
Cookies, chocolate bars, chips, sodas.
Gym bro #2: "No whey..."
Because they don't even lyft.
We all join it, but nobody uses it.
I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use? Trainer answers, use the ATM
The vending machine.
The ATM
A girl came skipping home from school one day. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10! Very good, said her mother. Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy? Yes, it's because you're blonde, her mother replied. The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G! Very good, said her mother. Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy? Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these! And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. Very good, said her embarrassed mother. Is it because I'm blonde, mommy? No, it's because you're 25.
"it's got Malteasers, Twix, sodas, you name it!!"
Diddly squat
He asks the manager which machine he could use that would attract the most women.
The manager points to the ATM.
In fact it was so posh, their gym was called James.
They said I wasn't working out.
One day Mindy's mother notices that Mindy has a dollar when coming home.
"Mindy, where did you get that dollar?"
"A boy on the playground gave it to me for climbing the jungle gym"
"Honey you can't do that! He's doing that so he can see your underwear when you climb up."
The next day Mindy comes home particularly smug with another dollar.
"Honey what did I tell you about climbing the jungle gym."
"Mom it's ok,"
says Mindy smugly,
"Today I didn't wear any underwear!"
I'll call it Jehovah's Fitness.
Because there is a lot of weighting.
*sorry. i woke up at 2 am with this in my head.
Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball, suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.
He passes the first woman, who looks down at his privates.
"Thank goodness!!! He's not my husband," she says.
He passes by the second woman, who also looks down as he's passing.
"He's not my husband either," she says, also not recognizing the unit.
He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.
"Wait a minute!!!" she says. "He's not even a member of this club!"
After using it for 30 minutes, I felt sick. Maybe I bought too many chocolate bars...
Cause you'll never see me there
There are two private middle schools having a school dance together in on of the school's gyms. One is an all girls' school, and the other is an all boys' school.
All of the kids are dancing in the middle of the school's gym and having a pretty good time...except for one girl with a peg leg and one boy with a wooden eye.
After about a half an hour of standing on opposite sides of the gym, the boy finally musters up the courage to speak to the girl.
The boy says to her "Hi I think you're very pretty, would you like to dance with me?"
Excited, the girl sweetly says "Would I!"
After a moment, the boy growls back at her "peg leg!"
She is promptly deducted five points
For one, they've fixed the water cooler.
Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"
In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."
Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious," the saleslady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."
Heard this joke from a friend today!
It's a great idea in theory, but I'm still trying to work out the kinks.
We all join, but nobody actually uses it.
Long story short, she filed a complaint and I'm banned for life.
They're both full of ripped assholes.
changing into their running outfits. One lady notices her friend's tummy and asks: "Sara, why is there wax in your belly button?" Sara says, "Oh, you'll never believe how romantic my boyfriend can be. He just loves to eat by candlelight."
But it didn't work out
Hopefully, she'll realize the two of us are not going to work out.
But it isn't working out.
There's an Olympic sports doctor there 24/7.
But the only thing I exercise is my right to bare arms.
Couldn't help but wonder if he skips on leg day.
We just weren't working out.
He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."
As they undressed beforehand, the first man was stunned to see the second wearing a corset beneath his shirt.
"Since when have you started wearing that?" asked the first man.
The second man replied "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment."
I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
A salt rifle
It was great... it had M&M's, Skittles, you name it!
He sees a sign for a weight loss program which says, "Lose 5 pounds in one week!". Curious, he signs up for the program. He begins the program the next day and upon entering the designated area finds an attractive woman with a sign on her shirt that says,"If you catch me, you can have your way with me. You have 30 minutes." He chases her around the area for a week and sure enough loses 5 pounds.
Wanting to lose a bit more weight though, he decides to try the next level of the program. This program guarantees he'll lose 15 pounds in a month. He gets to the designated area and once again a smoking hot chick with a sign saying,"If you catch me you can have your way with me." Runs around while he chases her for 30 minutes. This goes on for a month and he loses 15 pounds.
Feeling extra confident and wanting to look his absolute best for a college reunion coming up in two months, he signs up for the highest level of the course. It guarantees he'll lose 50 pounds in 2 months. He gets to the designated area and upon closing the door turns around to see a 300 pound man of pure muscle with a sign that says the following:
"If I catch you, I have my way with you."
You call it James
Turns out they do not have kickboxing classes.
That's 7 years in a row now.
When all your students can tell.
We were just not working out.
He said, hey...what's your secret?
I said, I poo with the door open
It's true. After going to the gym today I've decided I'm never going again.
Air conditioning
Really bad so he hurts himself.
...she calls it James
I'm glad they notice my effort.
He really just wants to work on his boxing skills. The gym rep gives him the grand tour. "Here are the raquetball courts which get quite busy" the rep says "and over there is the raquetball line". "That's nice" the man says "but I'm mostly interested in the boxing facilities".
The rep continues "Here are the treadmills which are all in use and there is the treadmill line". "Ok, ok" the man rushes "Can we get to the boxing stuff please?"
The rep moves along, "Here is the bench press area which is quite popular and you can see the line to use it. Over here is the basketball courts which are always packed and over there is the basketball line". Continuing, the rep describes "the steamy hot tub and pool which are in high demand and over there is the swimming line".
"OK OK!!" the man exclaims "I just want to punch the bags! Where is the line for that?"
"Oh, but that's no fun", the rep answers.
"Why not?" the man asks.
"There isn't any punch line."
What's the similarity between a flat chested woman and a stone?
You skip them both.
...maybe tomorrow
The salesman says, "We have Barbie Goes To the Dance for $19.99, Barbie goes Shopping at $19.99, Barbie goes Clubbing at $19.99, Barbie Goes To The Gym at $19.99, Cyber Barbie at $19.99, and Divorced Barbie at $499.99."
The father asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie $499.99 when all those other Barbies are selling for $19.99???"
"Well, sir," says the salesman, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's money, Ken's furniture ..."
Thankfully the dumbbell missed my foot.
and me asking, "Who the fuck is Jim?"
Dairy
...but when I want to wear something more formal, I wear my James clothes.
But I drove away because I don't have car insurance.
I Immediately replied "you callin' me a pussy?"
The snack machine.
What Pokemon do I use to lose weight?
Mom we had gym class today and took showers. My penis was the biggest of all the boys in class. Is it because I'm black?
No honey, it's because you're 19.
It has Chex Mix, Oreos, Snickers, everything!
And already hitting the max weight on one of the machines.
Shame it's the scales
...just didn't work out.
We were not working out
At the He's Dead Gym.
It sucks being the cleaner.
The Slim Gym
Hopefully she got the message that we were not working out.
Because most relationships don't work out.
Dairy
I have to call it the James
...........The police are looking into it.
She gets deducted five points
Because relationships don't work out
A guy who newly joined a gym asked the instructor which was the best machine in the gym which will make him attractive to girls.
The instructor replied,"the atm"
Two friends meet at the gym and are going to take a shower.
One of them notices that the other is wearing women's panties.
-Panties? what the fuck Tim?
What? It's the latest trend!
-Really? And when did that trend started?
When my wife found a pair in the backseat of my car.
Congress is keeping its members-only gym open during the government shutdown, which is mind-blowing, since I didn't know you could do squat thrusts with your head up your ass.
James.
I hope she gets the message that we're not working out.
Pasted from Facebook:
A man asks a trainer in the gym: I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use? Trainer replies: Use the ATM
I don't have a clue how I'm going to get all that done by tomorrow.
Because some relationships don't work out
I am telling you because I feel it is important to acknowledge your shortcummings.
Staff tried to escort him out, but he wanted to feel the burn.
That's how I got an A.
We weren't working out.
Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Gym? Well, here are the best jokes about Gym to have fun with.