gym Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious gym puns

I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn't show.

I hope she gets the message that we're not working out.

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A young boy says to his father "Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, have you gone by the school?"

"Not yet."


"Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also."

"Why?" asks the father.

"Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked, 'What, am I suppose to stand on.... my cock??'"

"Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come."

The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?" "No, not yet."

"Don't bother, I got expelled."

Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?"

"Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher."

"The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"

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Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year's resolution was.

She said "Fuck you".

So I'm pretty excited for 2019.

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Today i asked the hot girl at my gym what her New Year's resolution was.

She said "fuck you". So i'm pretty excited about 2017.

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Today i asked the hot girl at my gym what her new year resolutions were.

She said ยซFuck youยป. So im pretty excited for 2018

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A 40 year old man asked the Trainer in the Gym, 'I want to Impress Beautiful Girls, which Machine should I use?'

The Trainer replied, 'Outside the Gym, there is an ATM. Try that'

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This idiot on the treadmill at the gym.

Just put a water bottle in the Pringles holder.

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I signed up for a gym membership this year.

So far I've managed to lose ยฃ200.

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I just joined a gym for religious minorities.

Jehova's Fitness

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Why do some couples not go to the gym?

Some relationships don't work out...

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I'm starting a gym where we bring exercise equipment right to your front door, whether you requested it or not.

I'm calling it "Jehovah's Fitness"

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Blonde schoolgirl

Jenny, a blonde girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" Jenny asked.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good, Jenny," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day Jenny came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"

And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24

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I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today

That's 7 years in a row now

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I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today.

That's 7 years in a row now.

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I don't know why I broke up with my girl at the gym...

I guess we just weren't working out.

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At the gym

I walked into the gym and see a bunch of ladies working out, I ask the guy who is running the gym, Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies? He smiles says Try the ATM in the lobby .

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A gymnast walks into a bar...

She is then deducted five points.

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Child: Dad I want to be a plumber when I grow up

Dad: That's a very low goal. Have some ambition

Child: How about being a doctor?

Dad: That's right!

Child: Or a teacher, a prison guard, a gym trainer....

Dad: HAVE YOU BEEN USING MY COMPUTER?

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I started going to the gym a year ago and so far I lost 500 pounds!

The only problem is I'm British...

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I have Abs

olutely wasted my gym membership.

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The guys at the gym called me a fat loser ...

It's really great how they notice my effort.

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Two Canadian body builders were working out at the gym.

After they were done, they sat together in the locker room.

One turned to the other and said, "I'm sore, eh?"

The other said, "What for?"

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I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today.

That's seven years in a row now.

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I regret joining the gym recently..

leaving the EU would've been a more effective way to lose pounds

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I'v been a gym member for 6 months without any progress...

I think I need to go personally to see what 's going on

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Today is my first day at the gym.

I walk in and see a bunch of hot women working out. I walk up to the guy who is running the gym and ask him, " Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies over there?" He smiles at me and says, " Try the ATM Machine in the lobby."

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"My vagina is like the local gym," said my wife.

"What?" I asked. "Hot and sweaty?"

"No," she replied. "Only a few members use it regularly."

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Why did the priest go to the gym?

For muscle mass.

I thought of this one in the shower this morning.

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I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today

That's six years in a row now

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Today i asked this hot girl at my gym what her new years resolution was...

She said "fuck you" so I'm pretty excited about 2018

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I told my girlfriend to meet me at the gym but I didn't go

I hope she gets the message that we're not working out.

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I asked my trainer "Which machine at the gym should I use to impress beautiful women?"

He pointed outside and said "The ATM machine"

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Bench Bros...

Two guys are in the gym working on their bench pressing when a busty coed comes up to the rack next to them and begins to do her workout. One guy turns to his spotter and says "hey you think that's a push up bra?" And his spotter says "nah brah, that's a squat"

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Forgot to bring my protein powder to the gym today

Guess I should've prepared whey in advance

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A man had a girlfriend named Wendy...

A man had a girlfriend named Wendy, and he loved her so much that he decided he wanted a tattoo of her name on his penis. So he did just that; a tattoo of "Wendy" down the length of his shaft. But he noticed that when his penis wasn't erect, that only the W and the y showed.

He's in the shower at his local gym one day, when he notices a black man with the same condition: a tattoo on his penis that only shows the W and the y. He decides to strike up a conversation. "So, your girlfriend's name is Wendy too?"

Confused, the black man replies, "No, this says, 'Welcome to Jamaica, enjoy your stay'"

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I go to the gym so infrequently

I still call it James

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Got fired from my job at the gym...

Apparently I just wasn't working out.

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Finally I am the hottest guy in my gym.

I have 102 ยฐF fever.

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I exercise religiously

I go to the gym for an hour on Sunday morning and then don't think about it again for the rest of the week.

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Marriage

Husband asking the wife:
-Darling, do you want to come with me to the gym?
*-Are you saying I'm fat??*
-No, I was just thinking that we should maybe...
*-Are you saying I'm lazy??*
-No, no! Calm down, I didn't say that..
*-Why, you think I'm hysterical??*
-No, I wasn't saying that..
*-So you are calling me a liar now??*
-God no! You know what, I go alone then.
*-Wait a minute! Why do you want to go alone!?*

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I invited my girlfriend to the gym, but I didn't show up

Hope she gets the message that we're not working out

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An old man goes to the gym...

An old man goes to the gym and asks a trainer, "I want to impress young beautiful girls. What's the best machine I can use?"
The trainer responds, "The ATM"

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There's a new machine at my gym. Used it for an hour and felt sick.

It's really good though, does everything! Kit Kats, Snickers, Milky Ways. The lot.

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I signed up for a gym membership this year

So far I've managed to lose ยฃ200.

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When I was at the gym, I asked the trainer, which is the best machine to hit to attract a woman?

He pointed outside and said The ATM

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Why do some couples not go to the gym together?

Because not all relationships work out.

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I broke up with my gym.

We were just not working out.

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Overheard this one from some old guys getting changed at my local gym.

"So I go to the pharmacy and ask the guy if they have any Viagara. The guy there says yes, so I ask if they work and he replies 'you bet'. So next I ask "can I get it over the counter" to which he replies 'if you take two' "

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There's a new machine at my gym.

I used it, but after an hour I started feeling sick...

It's got Snickers, cheetos, Peanuts... Everything!

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I asked a fitness trainer at my local gym what would be the best machine to use in order to impress girls

Apparently it's the ATM machine at my local bank.

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blondes

A girl came skipping home from school one day. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10! Very good, said her mother. Is it because I'm blonde? the girl said. Yes, it's because you're blonde, said the mommy. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G! Very good, said her mother. Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy? Yes, it's because you're blonde. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these! And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. Very good, said her embarrassed mother. Is it because I'm blonde, mommy? No Honey, it's because you're 24.

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My bank just called me about suspicious activity on my account.

They didn't believe I bought a gym membership.

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I do resistance training every day

It's called refusing to go to the gym

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Two guys meet at the gym to play handball

They start changing, and one guy notices his friend is wearing a sexy black bra. He says, "When the hell did you start wearing that?"

The other guy says, "Right after my wife found it in my car."

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Best Way To Impress a Girl..

Boy To Gym Coach: "I Wanna Impress Cute Girl, I'm Gonna Meet In 3 Days Which Machine Should I Use?" Coach: "Use The ATM Machine Outside The Gym"

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Floyd Mayweather won because of an unfair advantage.

He gets to practice in the gym all day and then goes home and practices on his family.

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Just got a repressed memory foam mattress,

it holds me just like my gym teacher did

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Opening a gym...

Gonna focus on power walking & door knocking. I'll call it "Jehovah's Fitness"

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A blonde comes home from school and says

"Mummy, mummy, all the other girls in my class can only count to 10 but I can count to 20. Is it because I'm blonde?"

Her mother replies:
"Yes dear, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the blonde comes home from school and says:
"Mummy, mummy, all the other girls in my class can't recite the alphabet, but I can. Is it because I'm blonde?"

"Yes dear, it's because you're blonde"

The next day she comes home and says:
"Mummy, mummy, today we were getting changed for gym class and all the other girls had flat chests but I had these."

She points to her breasts.
"Is it because I'm blonde?

"No dear, it's because you're 25."

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New machine at the gym

There is a new machine at the gym. It's truly awesome! I almost puked after an hour, it really has it all.

Cookies, chocolate bars, chips, sodas.

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Gym bro #1: "Bro, we're out of protein powder."

Gym bro #2: "No whey..."

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Why do uber drivers skip the gym?

Because they don't even lyft.

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Google+ is like the gym of social networking.

We all join it, but nobody uses it.

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A man asks a trainer in the gym

I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use? Trainer answers, use the ATM

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My favorite machine at the gym?

The vending machine.

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What's the best machine to impress women at the gym?

The ATM

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The Kindergartener

A girl came skipping home from school one day. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10! Very good, said her mother. Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy? Yes, it's because you're blonde, her mother replied. The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G! Very good, said her mother. Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy? Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these! And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. Very good, said her embarrassed mother. Is it because I'm blonde, mommy? No, it's because you're 25.

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My sister came home today and said "they have this great new machine at the gym.."

"it's got Malteasers, Twix, sodas, you name it!!"

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What exercise does Ned Flanders do at the gym?

Diddly squat

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Guy walks into a gym

He asks the manager which machine he could use that would attract the most women.

The manager points to the ATM.

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I went to a posh school.

In fact it was so posh, their gym was called James.

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I got fired from my job at the gym...

They said I wasn't working out.

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Climbing the jungle gym.

One day Mindy's mother notices that Mindy has a dollar when coming home.

"Mindy, where did you get that dollar?"

"A boy on the playground gave it to me for climbing the jungle gym"

"Honey you can't do that! He's doing that so he can see your underwear when you climb up."

The next day Mindy comes home particularly smug with another dollar.

"Honey what did I tell you about climbing the jungle gym."

"Mom it's ok,"
says Mindy smugly,

"Today I didn't wear any underwear!"

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I'm going to open a gym with power walking and door knocking classes.

I'll call it Jehovah's Fitness.

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Why do you need patience at the gym?

Because there is a lot of weighting.

*sorry. i woke up at 2 am with this in my head.

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Streaker in a Gym!!!

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball, suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his privates.

"Thank goodness!!! He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down as he's passing.

"He's not my husband either," she says, also not recognizing the unit.
He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

"Wait a minute!!!" she says. "He's not even a member of this club!"

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There was a new machine at the gym...

After using it for 30 minutes, I felt sick. Maybe I bought too many chocolate bars...

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I'm like a ninja at the gym

Cause you'll never see me there

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A private school dance...

There are two private middle schools having a school dance together in on of the school's gyms. One is an all girls' school, and the other is an all boys' school.

All of the kids are dancing in the middle of the school's gym and having a pretty good time...except for one girl with a peg leg and one boy with a wooden eye.

After about a half an hour of standing on opposite sides of the gym, the boy finally musters up the courage to speak to the girl.

The boy says to her "Hi I think you're very pretty, would you like to dance with me?"

Excited, the girl sweetly says "Would I!"

After a moment, the boy growls back at her "peg leg!"

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A gymnast walks into a bar.

She is promptly deducted five points

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Been going to the gym now for 6 weeks and have noticed some huge improvements.

For one, they've fixed the water cooler.

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Barbie Dolls

Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"
In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."
Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious," the saleslady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

Heard this joke from a friend today!

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I want to open a gym for people with fetishes.

It's a great idea in theory, but I'm still trying to work out the kinks.

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Google+ is the gym of social networking.

We all join, but nobody actually uses it.

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I was at the gym the other night, I found a hole in my trainer big enough to put my finger in.

Long story short, she filed a complaint and I'm banned for life.

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What do gyms and prisons have in common?

They're both full of ripped assholes.

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Two ladies are in the gym locker room ....

changing into their running outfits. One lady notices her friend's tummy and asks: "Sara, why is there wax in your belly button?" Sara says, "Oh, you'll never believe how romantic my boyfriend can be. He just loves to eat by candlelight."

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I tried to take my dog to the gym once

But it didn't work out

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I told my girlfriend to come with me to the gym. Then I stood her up.

Hopefully, she'll realize the two of us are not going to work out.

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I have a job as a gym instructor

But it isn't working out.

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I saw an ad for a prison. Apparently they have the safest gym in the country.

There's an Olympic sports doctor there 24/7.

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I always wear a sleeveless shirt to the gym...

But the only thing I exercise is my right to bare arms.

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Saw an amputee in the gym today..

Couldn't help but wonder if he skips on leg day.

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I broke up with my girlfriend because she wouldn't go to the gym with me.

We just weren't working out.

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I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.

He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

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Two middle aged men went to the gym for a workout.

As they undressed beforehand, the first man was stunned to see the second wearing a corset beneath his shirt.

"Since when have you started wearing that?" asked the first man.

The second man replied "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment."

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My first workout back at the gym was great.

I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

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The gym teacher gets a handgun, the janitor gets a shot gun, and the principal gets an uzi. What do they arm the lunch lady with?

A salt rifle

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Saw a new machine at the gym, but could only use it for 20mins before it made me sick

It was great... it had M&M's, Skittles, you name it!

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A man goes to a community gym...

He sees a sign for a weight loss program which says, "Lose 5 pounds in one week!". Curious, he signs up for the program. He begins the program the next day and upon entering the designated area finds an attractive woman with a sign on her shirt that says,"If you catch me, you can have your way with me. You have 30 minutes." He chases her around the area for a week and sure enough loses 5 pounds.

Wanting to lose a bit more weight though, he decides to try the next level of the program. This program guarantees he'll lose 15 pounds in a month. He gets to the designated area and once again a smoking hot chick with a sign saying,"If you catch me you can have your way with me." Runs around while he chases her for 30 minutes. This goes on for a month and he loses 15 pounds.

Feeling extra confident and wanting to look his absolute best for a college reunion coming up in two months, he signs up for the highest level of the course. It guarantees he'll lose 50 pounds in 2 months. He gets to the designated area and upon closing the door turns around to see a 300 pound man of pure muscle with a sign that says the following:

"If I catch you, I have my way with you."

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You're so unfamiliar with the gym...

You call it James

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I got kicked out of my gym in the middle of kickboxing class

Turns out they do not have kickboxing classes.

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I cant believe I forgot to go to the gym this morning.

That's 7 years in a row now.

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What's worse than getting a boner in gym class?

When all your students can tell.

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I broke up with my gym

We were just not working out.

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This guy came up to me in the gym.

He said, hey...what's your secret?

I said, I poo with the door open

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Apparently, exercise improves your decision making.

It's true. After going to the gym today I've decided I'm never going again.

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What do you call it when Oxygen and Nitrogen train at the gym together?

Air conditioning

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How to spot a douchebag in the gym?

Really bad so he hurts himself.

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Yo momma is so unfamiliar with the gym...

...she calls it James

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Some guys at the gym called me a fat loser today

I'm glad they notice my effort.

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A man is thinking about joining a gym.

He really just wants to work on his boxing skills. The gym rep gives him the grand tour. "Here are the raquetball courts which get quite busy" the rep says "and over there is the raquetball line". "That's nice" the man says "but I'm mostly interested in the boxing facilities".

The rep continues "Here are the treadmills which are all in use and there is the treadmill line". "Ok, ok" the man rushes "Can we get to the boxing stuff please?"

The rep moves along, "Here is the bench press area which is quite popular and you can see the line to use it. Over here is the basketball courts which are always packed and over there is the basketball line". Continuing, the rep describes "the steamy hot tub and pool which are in high demand and over there is the swimming line".

"OK OK!!" the man exclaims "I just want to punch the bags! Where is the line for that?"

"Oh, but that's no fun", the rep answers.

"Why not?" the man asks.

"There isn't any punch line."

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So a 70ish year old grandpa randomly walked up to me in the gym and laid this one on me:

What's the similarity between a flat chested woman and a stone?


You skip them both.

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I was gonna make a joke about hitting the gym

...maybe tomorrow

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A man goes to a toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie doll for her birthday.

The salesman says, "We have Barbie Goes To the Dance for $19.99, Barbie goes Shopping at $19.99, Barbie goes Clubbing at $19.99, Barbie Goes To The Gym at $19.99, Cyber Barbie at $19.99, and Divorced Barbie at $499.99."

The father asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie $499.99 when all those other Barbies are selling for $19.99???"

"Well, sir," says the salesman, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's money, Ken's furniture ..."

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Started going to the gym and I dropped 10 pounds very quickly.

Thankfully the dumbbell missed my foot.

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My clearest memory of high school is my friend asking me if I brought gym clothes

and me asking, "Who the fuck is Jim?"

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How often did the asian cow go to the gym?

Dairy

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When I want to exercise, I wear my gym clothes...

...but when I want to wear something more formal, I wear my James clothes.

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I hit the gym today...

But I drove away because I don't have car insurance.

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Once my gym teacher told me "you are what you eat."

I Immediately replied "you callin' me a pussy?"

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What's my favorite machine at the gym?

The snack machine.

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I've been going to the gym for 3 weeks now with no results..

What Pokemon do I use to lose weight?

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A 3rd grader black boy came home from a all white school and asked his mother....

Mom we had gym class today and took showers. My penis was the biggest of all the boys in class. Is it because I'm black?

No honey, it's because you're 19.

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The new machine in the gym is great!

It has Chex Mix, Oreos, Snickers, everything!

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Only been going to the gym a week

And already hitting the max weight on one of the machines.

Shame it's the scales

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I decided to cancel my gym membership today...

...just didn't work out.

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I broke up with my gym

We were not working out

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Where do Star Trek fans work out?

At the He's Dead Gym.

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I've been going to the gym for five years now and I still don't have abs.

It sucks being the cleaner.

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Vince McMahon opened a fitness center in the memory of Randy Savage.

The Slim Gym

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I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me. I didn't bother showing up.

Hopefully she got the message that we were not working out.

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Why don't couples go to the gym?

Because most relationships don't work out.

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How often did the Asian cow go to the gym?

Dairy

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I go to the gym so infrequently...

I have to call it the James

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A peephole was found drilled into the wall of a women's locker room in a gym in Manhattan.

...........The police are looking into it.

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A gymnast walks into a bar...

She gets deducted five points

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Why don't couples go to the gym together?

Because relationships don't work out

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Gym Joke

A guy who newly joined a gym asked the instructor which was the best machine in the gym which will make him attractive to girls.

The instructor replied,"the atm"

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Two friends at the gym

Two friends meet at the gym and are going to take a shower.

One of them notices that the other is wearing women's panties.

-Panties? what the fuck Tim?

What? It's the latest trend!

-Really? And when did that trend started?

When my wife found a pair in the backseat of my car.

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It's easier if you have no spine

Congress is keeping its members-only gym open during the government shutdown, which is mind-blowing, since I didn't know you could do squat thrusts with your head up your ass.

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What do you call the gym if you're unfamiliar with it?

James.

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I invited my girlfriend to the gym with me and didn't turn up.

I hope she gets the message that we're not working out.

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How to pick up chicks at the gym

Pasted from Facebook:
A man asks a trainer in the gym: I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use? Trainer replies: Use the ATM

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My New Years resolution is to go to the gym more often, get into grad school, pay off my bills, and learn a new language.

I don't have a clue how I'm going to get all that done by tomorrow.

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Not every couple goes to the gym

Because some relationships don't work out

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I ejaculated in my pants during gym class.

I am telling you because I feel it is important to acknowledge your shortcummings.

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A bodybuilder was killed when a fire broke out in my gym.

Staff tried to escort him out, but he wanted to feel the burn.

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In eight grade my gym teacher gave me a D.

That's how I got an A.

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I broke up with my gym.

We weren't working out.

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What are the best Gym puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Gym? Well, here are the best jokes about Gym to have fun with.

Joko Jokes