Guys Jokes to Giggle and Enjoy A Night of Unforgettable Laughter
How do you break up two blind guys fighting?
Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"
Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud..
But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I'm not one of them.
3 guys are on a boat and they have 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with. What do they do?
They throw one cigarette off the boat and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Prison may be just one word
But to others, it's a whole sentence
Four CEOs of beer companies are having a meeting and they decide to get a drink.
The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.
The three CEOS then ask him, why aren't you ordering a Guinness?
He replies: "If you guys aren't drinking beer than neither will I."
Why is 69 afraid of 70?
Because they once had a fight and 71.
#
Sorry guys.
They say that 1 out of a group of 5 guys is gay....
I'm really hoping it's Jake, because he's *super cute*.
So the painters finish painting my home...
and they hand me the bill. I notice that by the paint it says $0. I say, "you guys did such a good job, why aren't you charging me for the paint?" The head painter looks at me and says, "don't worry about the paint, it's on the house."
My Favorite Math Joke
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one tells the bartender he wants a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender puts two beers on the bar and says You guys need to learn your limits.
You guys know how the toothbrush was invented in the south?
Because if it was invented in the north, it would've been called a teethbrush.
I was in Feruson, got jumped by 5 black guys
It started right up, they said I just need to replace the battery.
You can explore guys women reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean guys three guys walk into a bar dad jokes. There are also guys puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Saw my ex...
On my way home from work last year i saw my ex being beaten up by 3 guys, i stopped the car and ran over to help...she didnt stand a chance against 4 of us.
A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D.
Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job.
Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."
Guy replies "Why the rabbit?"
Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"
Three drunk guys get into a taxi.
The driver knew they were drunk. He turned the engine on and quickly turned it back off. He said "We've arrived."
The 1st drunk pays the driver, the 2nd drunk thanked him, and the 3rd drunk slapped him. He thought the 3rd drunk knew what he did, but he asked anyway "What was that for?"
"CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME! You nearly killed us!"
I got jumped by five black guys in Baltimore.
The car started right up but they said I'd need a new battery.
I started a club for guys with erectile dysfuntion
It was a total flop. Nobody came.
A girl takes a black guy home.
At the end of a night out on the town, a girl takes a black guy back to her house.
They're kissing and moving towards her bedroom when she looks at him with the most flirtatious eyes she can muster and says: "Is it true what they say about black guys? ;)"
To which the man responded "Of course it is baby.", stabbed her, stole her wallet and left.
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
Did you guys hear about the kid getting arrested for bringing a clock to school?
Sources say that the teachers were alarmed.
Two Blondes meet up for coffee...
Two blondes meet up for coffee and one asks the other what she has been up to.
"I had s**... with two Brazilian guys last night", she said.
"Wow - I've never even met that many guys" replied the other.
Hey guys, don't you just hate it when you're woken up in the middle of the night for s**...?
can't wait to get out of prison.
Why do guys gain weight after marriage?
Because when they're single, they come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. When they're married, they come home, see what's in the bed, and go to the fridge...
A black guys walks into a bank...
... says "I'm looking for a job!"
The bank manager says, "Well, you're in luck! We have a position opening tomorrow that pays $48,000 a year and has access to a free car!"
The black guy says "You're joking."
The bank manager says "Well, you started it!"
A man applies for a job with the local police.
The officer says, "This is the best résumé I've ever seen! There's just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot eight black guys and a cat."
Guy replies "Why the cat?"
Officer says "Great attitude, you're hired!"
A white woman takes a black man she met a club home...
...She takes him by the hand to the bedroom and winks at him and says: "why don't you show me if what they say about black guys is true." So he stabs her and steals her TV.
P.S: don't worry, it's ok for me to make such jokes because I'm racist.
I told the ambulance guys the wrong blood type for my ex
Now she should understand what rejection feels like.
Are you guys OK?
I haven't heard from you all year.
Ladies: A guide to understanding what guys say...
* If a guy says you're hot, he's looking at your body.
* If a guy says you're pretty, he's looking at your face.
* If a guy says you're fabulous, he's looking at your brother.
Guys, the USA is looking pretty bad...
I think its time for USB.
Whats the difference between a golf ball and a g**...?
Guys will actually look for the golf ball.
Two guys in a communal shower...
Guy1: You wanna play the r**... game?
Guy2: No.
Guy1: That's the spirit!!
2 blind guys were about to fight
I shouted: I bet the one with the knife wins!
Both started running away.
My last time having s**... was like the 100m dash
There were 8 black guys and a gun
Guys I just recently bought a 256GB iPhone 7 Plus, my son dropped it and the screen shattered. Anyways I'm doing a giveaway!
The kid is 8 years old, cute, thin and not really tall.
I met two guys wearing matching clothing. So I asked them if they were gay.
They promptly arrested me
A Black Guy, a Mexican, and a Muslim holding a Gay Chicken Walk Into a Bar
Bartender says, "We don't do jokes in here."
The chicken says, "Come on guys I know a place across the street."
A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament
Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?
Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.
Interviewer: and what about the rest?
Poker player: Well... I guess they'll have to wait..
Premarital s**...
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on s**..., marriage, and values.
Dave said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Frank replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?
Wife: Stop pretending your life is a youtube video!! It's ruining our marriage!
Me: Do you guys think it's ruining our marriage? Let me know in the comments below!
An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first says, I'll have a beer. The second says, I'll have half a beer. The third says, I'll have a quarter of a beer. Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. Come on, now, he says to the group, You guys have got to learn your limits.
Guys come on, we shouldn't give fat people such a hard time.
They have enough on their plate already.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat
Then I remember they feed off of attention.
EDIT 1: This blew up quick thanks guys :D
EDUT 2: When I typed edit 1 it had 500 upvotes now im waking up to 29K upvotes thanks eveyone :D
Guys, I think my girlfriend might be a psychic.
Last night my phone died while I was out, so I used my brother's phone to call her.
And she answered, "What's up, s**...?" Before I even said a word!
I watched the video of my wedding backwards.
I almost cried when I took the ring back, gave her back to her father, moonwalked out of the church, and went away, free.
Wow: I made it to front page! Thanks guys!
Everyone should calm down about that Net Neutrality thing...
You guys seem so Ajitated.
I saw 2 guys with matching clothes and asked them if they are gay...
They promptly arrested me.
A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online.
But it's really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.
My roommate's cellphone broke
He wants me to let you guys know he's vegan
Did you guys know that the Soviet Union made the best bread in history?
People would wait days in line for a single piece
Fight Club was awesome!
Hey guys so I found this Fight Club last night and had a blast! I showed up a little late so I missed some of the rules but I highly recommend it!
I saw 2 guys wearing matching outfits and asked if they were gay.
They arrested me.
The best in town!
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best s**... in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.
Has COVID-19 got you wearing glasses and a mask at the same time?
You may be entitled to condensation.
EDIT (July 14, 2020 7:40PM PST): Um, wow. I did not expect the 2.9K likes, especially since I didn't come up with it. Thanks for the support guys and y'all got me, I read it somewhere else and shared it.
A couple of Italian guys are discussing who, if they could choose any woman in the world, they'd rather bang
One of them says some big name actress, the other says "Virginia Pippilini."
The first guy's like, "Who's that? Is she a model?"
"I don't know"
"Actress?"
"I don't know."
"Singer?"
"I don't know."
"Well if you don't know, why choose her?"
The guy pulls out a newspaper and points to the headline. "Virginia Pipeline blows 50 men dead."
I got pulled over and my vape was in my cup holder.
The cop said you know, the news says those things are killing people.
I chuckled and said they're saying the same thing about you guys.
He didn't laugh.
Why did Princess Leia date so many guys before she found Han?
She was looking for love in Alderaan places.
There's a term for guys like Donald Trump.
But apparently not 2 terms.
I wanted to make a joke about time travel...
...but you guys didn't like it.
Guys, don't install adblock
I did, and now the hot singles in my area don't want to meet me any more.
Four guys are playing golf together and talking about how successful their sons are.
The first says, "My son is so successful, he's VP of his company and just gave his best friend a car. "
The second says, " That's nothing, my son is CEO of his company and just gave his best friend a house."
The third says, "Well, my son owns 3 highly profitable companies and just gave his best friend a jet."
They look expectantly at the last guy who says, "My son is a gay e**... who gets showered with love and admiration. He just got a car, a house, and a jet from three of his clients."
Alright guys, the Suez Canal jokes are getting a bit old now.
That ship has sailed.
t**... isn't a good name for a c**....
Didn't the real t**... horse burst and loads of little guys came pouring out of it?
Today I saw two blind guys fighting...
Should've seen their faces when I said "My money's on the one with the knife"
What's an example of a palindrome?
Daughter: What's an example of a palindrome?
Dad: Mom.
Daughter: Ugh. Fine. Mom, what's an example of a palindrome?
Mom: Dad.
Daughter: OHMYGOD WHY WON'T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Norm MacDonald died today
When he got to heaven, the angels told him it was mandatory that he take an eye exam to enter. And they all watched.
He read it out loud: E-I-E-I-Ohhh you guys are d**...!
RIP Norm.
Stallone: I'm making a movie about composers. I'm playing Vivaldi.
VanDamme: I'll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys I'm not saying it.
For my cake day, I'd like to share my favorite joke of all time.
Three guys were walking down the street.
Two of them walked into a bar.
The third guy ducked.
A new law
Two guys walk into a bar and order lunch. "What brings you guys in today?" the bartender asks. "I guess you haven't heard yet. The mayor passed a law yesterday to try to help out local restaurants during Covid-19. All adult males are required to go and eat lunch out with their best male friends at least once a week," one of the guys answers the bartender. "Well it's not a law really," the other guy corrects him. "It's more of a mandate."
Two guys were in an English pub.
They called the publican over to settle an argument.
"Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one.
"There are two pints in a quart" confirmed the publican.
They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order.
"Two pints miss, and they are on the house."
The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so one of the guys called out to the publican at the other end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn't you?"
"That's right," he called back, "two pints."
I was wondering where you guys get all these funny dad jokes from?
Then I came to the conclusion that they're just all kept in a dadabase.....
I'll see myself out
🚪🚶🏾♂️
I'm sick of you guys posting dumb wordplay in here for awards and upvotes.
Don't you know a good pun is its own reword?
Groaned a whole store with this one.
I was buying new tires for my car. While I was discussing my options the person down the counter was flustered at the prices she was being offered. To this she loudly asked:
"I put the same ones on my husbands Jeep last year! What happened? Why are they so expensive?!"
To which I looked at over and loudly stated. "Inflation."
The guys behind the counter laughed. The rest of the room groaned out a chorus of dadjoke music that should have been filmed live in front of a studio audience.
a joke we tell in Ukraine
A russian, a Ukrainian and an African American guys are sitting in the waiting room while their wives give birth.
The nurse comes out with 3 babies and says "sorry guys, they've got mixed up..let's see whose is whose".
The Ukrainian takes a black kid and runs.
They yell "hold on dude!!! That kid is obviously not yours!"
the Ukrainian replied "I don't care I dont want a russian!!!"
Two guys are playing chess.
One says to the other, "How about we make this more interesting?"
So they stop playing chess.
C'mon guys don't make fun of Amber Heard's lawyer
He probably gets enough a**... from her as it is
I got jumped by five black guys in Baltimore...
They were real nice. Car started right up, and they even helped me with directions back to the interstate.
Guys, abortion may be i**... soon. If you accidentally get a girl pregnant, make sure she's an anti-vaxxer.
Instead of paying for 18 years of child support, you'll only have to pay for 3.
Lots of guys aren't too happy with getting a "dad bod" eventually in life. But I'd say im pretty excited for it
Because it's the closest thing I'm gonna get to having a father figure in my life
Two Jewish guys are walking down the street...
Two Jewish guys are walking down the street when they spot a sign outside a church: "Today Only: Convert to Christianity and we will give you 100 bucks cash!"
"I'm gonna do it," o**... tells the other and disappears through the church door.
5 minutes later he's back. "Well, Did you get the cash?" his buddy asks.
"Jeez Is that all you people think about?" comes the friend's reply.
I uninstalled Facebook as i got depressed of seeing my friends post their relationship and marriage
I uninstalled LinkedIn as i got depressed of seeing my colleague post their job change and promotion
I uninstalled instagram as i got depressed of seeing my friends travel and enjoy their lives.
But I'll never uninstall reddit because you guys are more miserable than me .
Nowadays, you don't run into many guys named Lance.
But in the Middle Ages, people used to be named Lancelot.
Why do they bury lawyers 12 feet deep?
Because deep down, they're really nice guys.
What do you call fifty guys watching the Super Bowl?
The Detroit Lions.
What's the difference between iron man and aluminum man"
Iron man stops bad guys. Aluminum man foils their plans.
3 friends from China immigrated to the US
3 Chinese guys Bu, Chu and Fu, who were friends since childhood moved to US for work.
For their names being Chinese, they weren't getting shortlisted for interviews.
A guys suggested them to Americanise their names.
When they asked how.
He suggested add something to your existing names so it ends with "c**...".
So Bu became Buck.
Chu became Chuck.
And Fu went back to China.
Have you guys scene the new john Wilkes booth movie?
I've heard it's mind blowing.
I felt a chill go down as my wife noticed me eyeing a nice looking ginger
"I know what you're thinking and if that's what you want then go right ahead have it your way" she said
So I made us some herbal tea and that was the best freaking thing that I have had on a cold cold day
Stay warm guys
Two elderly couples get together to play bridge every week.
The ladies are in the kitchen making snacks and the old guys are talking. One says to the other "we went to see a movie last week and it was excellent but I can't remember the name of it. I thinks it's uhhh... what's the name of the flower with the red petals and the thorns?" His friend answers "a rose?"
"That's it! HEY ROSE! what was the name of that movie we saw last week?"
Guys walks into a piano shop and asks the shop keeper for a wasp!
The store keeper says sir. We are a piano shop. We don't sell wasps . The guys says. Then why have you got some in the window?
I saw four guys with a coffin on their shoulders wandering around the grave yard.
I thought to myself these guys have lost the plot.
A r**... is sitting at a bar
A woman approaches him and says, "Generally, I don't go for guys like you. But I saw you from across the bar and just had to say hello."
The r**... replies, "You had me at General Lee!"
