Guys Jokes

Following is our collection of weirdos humor and women one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Guys puns for adults, dirty boys jokes or clean americans gags for kids.

There is an abundance of girls jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 80 funniest jokes on guys. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any for guys witze you can hear about guys.

The Best jokes about Guys

How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud..

But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I'm not one of them.

3 guys are on a boat and they have 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with. What do they do?

They throw one cigarette off the boat and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat

Then I remember they feed off of attention.

EDIT 1: This blew up quick thanks guys :D

EDUT 2: When I typed edit 1 it had 500 upvotes now im waking up to 29K upvotes thanks eveyone :D

Prison may be just one word

But to others, it's a whole sentence



Four CEOs of beer companies are having a meeting and they decide to get a drink.

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The three CEOS then ask him, why aren't you ordering a Guinness?

He replies: "If you guys aren't drinking beer than neither will I."

2 blind guys were about to fight

I shouted: I bet the one with the knife wins!
Both started running away.

A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online.

But it's really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.

I met two guys wearing matching clothing. So I asked them if they were gay.

They promptly arrested me

I saw 2 guys wearing matching outfits and asked if they were gay.

They arrested me.

I watched the video of my wedding backwards.

I almost cried when I took the ring back, gave her back to her father, moonwalked out of the church, and went away, free.

Wow: I made it to front page! Thanks guys!


A couple of Italian guys are discussing who, if they could choose any woman in the world, they'd rather bang

One of them says some big name actress, the other says "Virginia Pippilini."

The first guy's like, "Who's that? Is she a model?"

"I don't know"

"Actress?"

"I don't know."

"Singer?"

"I don't know."

"Well if you don't know, why choose her?"

The guy pulls out a newspaper and points to the headline. "Virginia Pipeline blows 50 men dead."

Why is 69 afraid of 70?

Because they once had a fight and 71.

#

Sorry guys.

I got pulled over and my vape was in my cup holder.

The cop said you know, the news says those things are killing people.

I chuckled and said they're saying the same thing about you guys.

He didn't laugh.

Premarital sex

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.

Dave said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"

Frank replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?

A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D.

Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job.
Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."

Guy replies "Why the rabbit?"

Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.

A Black Guy, a Mexican, and a Muslim holding a Gay Chicken Walk Into a Bar

Bartender says, "We don't do jokes in here."

The chicken says, "Come on guys I know a place across the street."

I started a club for guys with erectile dysfuntion

It was a total flop. Nobody came.


Guys I just recently bought a 256GB iPhone 7 Plus, my son dropped it and the screen shattered. Anyways I'm doing a giveaway!

The kid is 8 years old, cute, thin and not really tall.

I got jumped by five black guys in Baltimore.

The car started right up but they said I'd need a new battery.

I saw 2 guys with matching clothes and asked them if they are gay...

They promptly arrested me.

Wife: Stop pretending your life is a youtube video!! It's ruining our marriage!

Me: Do you guys think it's ruining our marriage? Let me know in the comments below!

Hey guys, don't you just hate it when you're woken up in the middle of the night for sex?

can't wait to get out of prison.

Everyone should calm down about that Net Neutrality thing...

You guys seem so Ajitated.

I told the ambulance guys the wrong blood type for my ex

Now she should understand what rejection feels like.

Has COVID-19 got you wearing glasses and a mask at the same time?

You may be entitled to condensation.

EDIT (July 14, 2020 7:40PM PST): Um, wow. I did not expect the 2.9K likes, especially since I didn't come up with it. Thanks for the support guys and y'all got me, I read it somewhere else and shared it.

Guys, I think my girlfriend might be a psychic.

Last night my phone died while I was out, so I used my brother's phone to call her.
And she answered, "What's up, sexy?" Before I even said a word!

A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament

Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?

Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.

Interviewer: and what about the rest?

Poker player: Well... I guess they'll have to wait..

I was in Feruson, got jumped by 5 black guys

It started right up, they said I just need to replace the battery.

Did you guys know that the Soviet Union made the best bread in history?

People would wait days in line for a single piece

Three drunk guys get into a taxi.

The driver knew they were drunk. He turned the engine on and quickly turned it back off. He said "We've arrived."


The 1st drunk pays the driver, the 2nd drunk thanked him, and the 3rd drunk slapped him. He thought the 3rd drunk knew what he did, but he asked anyway "What was that for?"


"CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME! You nearly killed us!"

So the painters finish painting my home...

and they hand me the bill. I notice that by the paint it says $0. I say, "you guys did such a good job, why aren't you charging me for the paint?" The head painter looks at me and says, "don't worry about the paint, it's on the house."

An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first says, I'll have a beer. The second says, I'll have half a beer. The third says, I'll have a quarter of a beer. Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. Come on, now, he says to the group, You guys have got to learn your limits.

Two Blondes meet up for coffee...

Two blondes meet up for coffee and one asks the other what she has been up to.


"I had sex with two Brazilian guys last night", she said.
"Wow - I've never even met that many guys" replied the other.

Ladies: A guide to understanding what guys say...

* If a guy says you're hot, he's looking at your body.
* If a guy says you're pretty, he's looking at your face.
* If a guy says you're fabulous, he's looking at your brother.

My last time having sex was like the 100m dash

There were 8 black guys and a gun

The best in town!

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.

A girl takes a black guy home.

At the end of a night out on the town, a girl takes a black guy back to her house.

They're kissing and moving towards her bedroom when she looks at him with the most flirtatious eyes she can muster and says: "Is it true what they say about black guys? ;)"

To which the man responded "Of course it is baby.", stabbed her, stole her wallet and left.

Guys, the USA is looking pretty bad...

I think its time for USB.

Fight Club was awesome!

Hey guys so I found this Fight Club last night and had a blast! I showed up a little late so I missed some of the rules but I highly recommend it!

Did you guys hear about the kid getting arrested for bringing a clock to school?

Sources say that the teachers were alarmed.

Are you guys OK?

I haven't heard from you all year.

A white woman takes a black man she met a club home...

...She takes him by the hand to the bedroom and winks at him and says: "why don't you show me if what they say about black guys is true." So he stabs her and steals her TV.



P.S: don't worry, it's ok for me to make such jokes because I'm racist.

Saw my ex...

On my way home from work last year i saw my ex being beaten up by 3 guys, i stopped the car and ran over to help...she didnt stand a chance against 4 of us.

Two guys in a communal shower...

Guy1: You wanna play the rape game?
Guy2: No.
Guy1: That's the spirit!!

My Favorite Math Joke

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one tells the bartender he wants a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender puts two beers on the bar and says You guys need to learn your limits.

You guys know how the toothbrush was invented in the south?

Because if it was invented in the north, it would've been called a teethbrush.

A black guys walks into a bank...

... says "I'm looking for a job!"

The bank manager says, "Well, you're in luck! We have a position opening tomorrow that pays $48,000 a year and has access to a free car!"


The black guy says "You're joking."


The bank manager says "Well, you started it!"

A man applies for a job with the local police.

The officer says, "This is the best résumé I've ever seen! There's just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot eight black guys and a cat."

Guy replies "Why the cat?"

Officer says "Great attitude, you're hired!"

My roommate's cellphone broke

He wants me to let you guys know he's vegan

Why do guys gain weight after marriage?

Because when they're single, they come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. When they're married, they come home, see what's in the bed, and go to the fridge...

Guys come on, we shouldn't give fat people such a hard time.

They have enough on their plate already.

They say that 1 out of a group of 5 guys is gay....

I'm really hoping it's Jake, because he's *super cute*.

Joke in honor of mole day

Three moles are going through the ground looking for food.
The first mole pops up out of the ground and sniffs around.
He says "hey guys I think were getting close I smell some syrup".
The next mole pops up and says "ya we must be a smell some syrup too".
The last mole pops up and says "I don't know guys all I smell is some molasses"

I was clinging for dear life on the edge of the cliff...

As the rescue team approached, one of the guys shouted, "Whatever you do, don't look down!"

So I started smiling...

How many I.T. guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

none. That's a hardware problem

but have you tried turning it on and off again?

Two guys get pulled over...

Two guys in a car get pulled over. The cop walks up to the window and says "We're looking for 2 pedophiles". The car window goes up then after a few seconds comes back down.
The driver gives a sigh. "Alright, we'll do it"

It's 2018, we need to stop calling things gay just because they are lame.

So what if there are no women at this bar? Most of the guys are really nice and some of them even bought me drinks, and that's pretty cool if you ask me.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have a beer." The second says, "I'll have half a beer." The third says, "I'll have a quarter of a beer." And so on.

The bartender hands them two glasses of beer and says, "You guys need to know your limits."

Guys I think Trump's immigration policies just might work.

China built a wall and they have like, no Mexicans.

You guys wanna hear a construction joke?

..... hold on I'm working on it.


(Brought to you by my 8 year old nephew)

What's the definition of a will?

Come on guys it's a dead giveaway

Guys I just invented a new word

Guys I just invented a new word


Plagiarism

A woman in her twenties sees a large black man walking by and decides to flirt with him. So is it true what they say about black guys?

He responds, Sure is. Then he punched her in the face and stole her purse.

I'm having some real trouble mending my broken fence.

Can anyone here give me some tips?

I was told you guys are the best at reposting.

The other day i saw two blind guys fighting

I yelled: I BET ON THE ONE WITH THE KNIFE!

They run away from each other

Four engineers get into a car.. The car won't start

The Mechanical engineer says: "It's a broken starter".

The Electrical engineer says: "Dead battery".

The Chemical engineer says: "Impurities in the gasoline".

The IT engineer says: "Hey guys, I have an idea how about we all get out of the car and get back in".

I saw a skinny guy getting brutally beat up by 5 huge guys! I'm not the hero type, but still decided to help out.

It felt good being on the winning side for once.

What do you call five white guys sitting on a bench?

The NBA.

Hey guys, I just lost my virginity yesterday!

What's the worst thing you've ever done to a dead body?

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one walks up and orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third one wants 1/4 of a beer, and the next wants just 1/8th. The bartender sees where this is going, and stops them before anyone else can order.

The bartender pours two beers, hands them over, and says "You guys should really know your limits".

What is a cannibals favorite restaurant?

Five Guys

Two Blondes

Two blondes meet up for coffee and one asks the other what she has been upto;

"I had sex with two Brazilian guys last night"

"Wow - I've never even met that many guys" replied the other

Arthur Guinness

The leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a bud, the Ceo of Miller gets a Miller, the head of coors orders a coors, and so on. Until it's Arthur Guinness's turn, he orders a soda. "Why didn't you order a Guinness?" everyone asks. "Nah" Guinness replies. If you guys aren't having a beer,then neither will I.

So I thought I would share a time travel joke with you guys..

But you didn't like it.

3 guys and one girl are stranded on a desert island.

After one week the girl is so ashamed of what she is doing that she kills herself.

After another week the guys are so ashamed of what they are doing that...they bury her.

Another week goes by and the guys are so ashamed of what they've been doing...so they dig her back up.

Have you guys heard about the new restaurant on the moon?

Early critics say the food is good, but there's no atmosphere.

Have you guys heard the one about the vegan transgender?

He was a her-before

A Russian dude enters a bar wearing a tshirt saying, "Turks got 3 problems."

Obvious repost

As soon as he enters the bar a bunch of Turks stop him.

Turks: you come in our country and have the balls to insult us.

Russian : that's your first problem. you guys gets offended so easily.

Turks: Let's get him outside.

Russian: that's your second problem. you wanna solve everything with violence.

*They gets outside of the bar and Turks starts taking their knives out*

Russian: that's your third problem. you bring knives to a gunfight.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes