The Best 87 Guys Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Guys jokes. There are some guys women jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these guys americans puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Guys Jokes and Puns

How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud..

But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I'm not one of them.

3 guys are on a boat and they have 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with. What do they do?

They throw one cigarette off the boat and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

Guys joke, 3 guys are on a boat and they have 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with. What do they do?

Prison may be just one word

But to others, it's a whole sentence

Four CEOs of beer companies are having a meeting and they decide to get a drink.

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The three CEOS then ask him, why aren't you ordering a Guinness?

He replies: "If you guys aren't drinking beer than neither will I."


Why is 69 afraid of 70?

Because they once had a fight and 71.

#

Sorry guys.

Hey guys, I just lost my virginity yesterday!

What's the worst thing you've ever done to a dead body?

Guys joke, Hey guys, I just lost my virginity yesterday!

They say that 1 out of a group of 5 guys is gay....

I'm really hoping it's Jake, because he's *super cute*.

Joke in honor of mole day

Three moles are going through the ground looking for food.
The first mole pops up out of the ground and sniffs around.
He says "hey guys I think were getting close I smell some syrup".
The next mole pops up and says "ya we must be a smell some syrup too".
The last mole pops up and says "I don't know guys all I smell is some molasses"

So the painters finish painting my home...

and they hand me the bill. I notice that by the paint it says $0. I say, "you guys did such a good job, why aren't you charging me for the paint?" The head painter looks at me and says, "don't worry about the paint, it's on the house."

Two guys get pulled over...

Two guys in a car get pulled over. The cop walks up to the window and says "We're looking for 2 pedophiles". The car window goes up then after a few seconds comes back down.
The driver gives a sigh. "Alright, we'll do it"

You can explore guys weirdos reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean guys boys dad jokes. There are also guys puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


My Favorite Math Joke

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one tells the bartender he wants a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender puts two beers on the bar and says You guys need to learn your limits.

You guys know how the toothbrush was invented in the south?

Because if it was invented in the north, it would've been called a teethbrush.

A woman in her twenties sees a large black man walking by and decides to flirt with him. So is it true what they say about black guys?

He responds, Sure is. Then he punched her in the face and stole her purse.

What do you call five white guys sitting on a bench?

The NBA.

I saw a skinny guy getting brutally beat up by 5 huge guys! I'm not the hero type, but still decided to help out.

It felt good being on the winning side for once.

Guys joke, I saw a skinny guy getting brutally beat up by 5 huge guys! I'm not the hero type, but still decided

I was in Feruson, got jumped by 5 black guys

It started right up, they said I just need to replace the battery.

What's the definition of a will?

Come on guys it's a dead giveaway

Saw my ex...

On my way home from work last year i saw my ex being beaten up by 3 guys, i stopped the car and ran over to help...she didnt stand a chance against 4 of us.


A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D.

Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job.
Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."

Guy replies "Why the rabbit?"

Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"

Three drunk guys get into a taxi.

The driver knew they were drunk. He turned the engine on and quickly turned it back off. He said "We've arrived."

The 1st drunk pays the driver, the 2nd drunk thanked him, and the 3rd drunk slapped him. He thought the 3rd drunk knew what he did, but he asked anyway "What was that for?"

"CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME! You nearly killed us!"

I got jumped by five black guys in Baltimore.

The car started right up but they said I'd need a new battery.

I started a club for guys with erectile dysfuntion

It was a total flop. Nobody came.

A girl takes a black guy home.

At the end of a night out on the town, a girl takes a black guy back to her house.

They're kissing and moving towards her bedroom when she looks at him with the most flirtatious eyes she can muster and says: "Is it true what they say about black guys? ;)"

To which the man responded "Of course it is baby.", stabbed her, stole her wallet and left.

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.

How many I.T. guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

none. That's a hardware problem

but have you tried turning it on and off again?

Did you guys hear about the kid getting arrested for bringing a clock to school?

Sources say that the teachers were alarmed.

Guys I think Trump's immigration policies just might work.

China built a wall and they have like, no Mexicans.

Two Blondes meet up for coffee...

Two blondes meet up for coffee and one asks the other what she has been up to.

"I had sex with two Brazilian guys last night", she said.
"Wow - I've never even met that many guys" replied the other.

Hey guys, don't you just hate it when you're woken up in the middle of the night for sex?

can't wait to get out of prison.

Why do guys gain weight after marriage?

Because when they're single, they come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. When they're married, they come home, see what's in the bed, and go to the fridge...

A black guys walks into a bank...

... says "I'm looking for a job!"

The bank manager says, "Well, you're in luck! We have a position opening tomorrow that pays $48,000 a year and has access to a free car!"

The black guy says "You're joking."

The bank manager says "Well, you started it!"

A man applies for a job with the local police.

The officer says, "This is the best rΓ©sumΓ© I've ever seen! There's just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot eight black guys and a cat."

Guy replies "Why the cat?"

Officer says "Great attitude, you're hired!"

A white woman takes a black man she met a club home...

...She takes him by the hand to the bedroom and winks at him and says: "why don't you show me if what they say about black guys is true." So he stabs her and steals her TV.

P.S: don't worry, it's ok for me to make such jokes because I'm racist.

I told the ambulance guys the wrong blood type for my ex

Now she should understand what rejection feels like.

Are you guys OK?

I haven't heard from you all year.

Ladies: A guide to understanding what guys say...

* If a guy says you're hot, he's looking at your body.
* If a guy says you're pretty, he's looking at your face.
* If a guy says you're fabulous, he's looking at your brother.

Guys, the USA is looking pretty bad...

I think its time for USB.

Whats the difference between a golf ball and a G-spot?

Guys will actually look for the golf ball.

Two guys in a communal shower...

Guy1: You wanna play the rape game?
Guy2: No.
Guy1: That's the spirit!!

2 blind guys were about to fight

I shouted: I bet the one with the knife wins!
Both started running away.

My last time having sex was like the 100m dash

There were 8 black guys and a gun

Guys I just recently bought a 256GB iPhone 7 Plus, my son dropped it and the screen shattered. Anyways I'm doing a giveaway!

The kid is 8 years old, cute, thin and not really tall.

I met two guys wearing matching clothing. So I asked them if they were gay.

They promptly arrested me

A Black Guy, a Mexican, and a Muslim holding a Gay Chicken Walk Into a Bar

Bartender says, "We don't do jokes in here."

The chicken says, "Come on guys I know a place across the street."

A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament

Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?

Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.

Interviewer: and what about the rest?

Poker player: Well... I guess they'll have to wait..

Premarital sex

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.

Dave said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"

Frank replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?

Wife: Stop pretending your life is a youtube video!! It's ruining our marriage!

Me: Do you guys think it's ruining our marriage? Let me know in the comments below!

An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first says, I'll have a beer. The second says, I'll have half a beer. The third says, I'll have a quarter of a beer. Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. Come on, now, he says to the group, You guys have got to learn your limits.

You guys wanna hear a construction joke?

..... hold on I'm working on it.

(Brought to you by my 8 year old nephew)

Four engineers get into a car.. The car won't start

The Mechanical engineer says: "It's a broken starter".

The Electrical engineer says: "Dead battery".

The Chemical engineer says: "Impurities in the gasoline".

The IT engineer says: "Hey guys, I have an idea how about we all get out of the car and get back in".

Guys come on, we shouldn't give fat people such a hard time.

They have enough on their plate already.

Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat

Then I remember they feed off of attention.

EDIT 1: This blew up quick thanks guys :D

EDUT 2: When I typed edit 1 it had 500 upvotes now im waking up to 29K upvotes thanks eveyone :D

Guys, I think my girlfriend might be a psychic.

Last night my phone died while I was out, so I used my brother's phone to call her.
And she answered, "What's up, sexy?" Before I even said a word!

I watched the video of my wedding backwards.

I almost cried when I took the ring back, gave her back to her father, moonwalked out of the church, and went away, free.

Wow: I made it to front page! Thanks guys!

I was clinging for dear life on the edge of the cliff...

As the rescue team approached, one of the guys shouted, "Whatever you do, don't look down!"

So I started smiling...

Everyone should calm down about that Net Neutrality thing...

You guys seem so Ajitated.

I saw 2 guys with matching clothes and asked them if they are gay...

They promptly arrested me.

I'm having some real trouble mending my broken fence.

Can anyone here give me some tips?

I was told you guys are the best at reposting.

A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online.

But it's really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.

My roommate's cellphone broke

He wants me to let you guys know he's vegan

Did you guys know that the Soviet Union made the best bread in history?

People would wait days in line for a single piece

Fight Club was awesome!

Hey guys so I found this Fight Club last night and had a blast! I showed up a little late so I missed some of the rules but I highly recommend it!

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have a beer." The second says, "I'll have half a beer." The third says, "I'll have a quarter of a beer." And so on.

The bartender hands them two glasses of beer and says, "You guys need to know your limits."

I saw 2 guys wearing matching outfits and asked if they were gay.

They arrested me.

The other day i saw two blind guys fighting

I yelled: I BET ON THE ONE WITH THE KNIFE!

They run away from each other

It's 2018, we need to stop calling things gay just because they are lame.

So what if there are no women at this bar? Most of the guys are really nice and some of them even bought me drinks, and that's pretty cool if you ask me.

The best in town!

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.

Has COVID-19 got you wearing glasses and a mask at the same time?

You may be entitled to condensation.

EDIT (July 14, 2020 7:40PM PST): Um, wow. I did not expect the 2.9K likes, especially since I didn't come up with it. Thanks for the support guys and y'all got me, I read it somewhere else and shared it.

A couple of Italian guys are discussing who, if they could choose any woman in the world, they'd rather bang

One of them says some big name actress, the other says "Virginia Pippilini."

The first guy's like, "Who's that? Is she a model?"

"I don't know"

"Actress?"

"I don't know."

"Singer?"

"I don't know."

"Well if you don't know, why choose her?"

The guy pulls out a newspaper and points to the headline. "Virginia Pipeline blows 50 men dead."

I got pulled over and my vape was in my cup holder.

The cop said you know, the news says those things are killing people.

I chuckled and said they're saying the same thing about you guys.

He didn't laugh.

Guys I just invented a new word

Guys I just invented a new word

Plagiarism

Why did Princess Leia date so many guys before she found Han?

She was looking for love in Alderaan places.

There's a term for guys like Donald Trump.

But apparently not 2 terms.

I wanted to make a joke about time travel...

...but you guys didn't like it.

Guys, don't install adblock

I did, and now the hot singles in my area don't want to meet me any more.

Four guys are playing golf together and talking about how successful their sons are.

The first says, "My son is so successful, he's VP of his company and just gave his best friend a car. "

The second says, " That's nothing, my son is CEO of his company and just gave his best friend a house."

The third says, "Well, my son owns 3 highly profitable companies and just gave his best friend a jet."

They look expectantly at the last guy who says, "My son is a gay escort who gets showered with love and admiration. He just got a car, a house, and a jet from three of his clients."

Alright guys, the Suez Canal jokes are getting a bit old now.

That ship has sailed.

Trojan isn't a good name for a condom.

Didn't the real Trojan horse burst and loads of little guys came pouring out of it?

my wife cut down our sexy time to once a month!

but i guess i should feel lucky

some guys i know she cut off completely!

A genie and an idiot

Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: 'I'm lonely. I wish my friends were back here.'

I'm at the bar right now (getting food I'm not an alcoholic I promise) and…

There's these two guys are arguing and one asked Jerry, howcome you got so many grandkids and I don't?

And he answers, I taught my kids how to multiply

I fuckin' lost it

2 guys walk into a bar

"Hey donkey get the beers in" shouts one guy to the other.

The man walks up to the barman and stutters " two bee... two bee... two beers please?" the barman starts to pour the mans beer when the guys friend shouts "Donkey! get me some nuts too"

The man stood at the bar says to the barman " two pa... two pa.. two packets of nuts too please"

The barman says to the guy "That's a bit mean, why does he call you donkey?" and the man replies "It's OK, He aw... he aw.. he always calls me that"

H*tler and Mussolini are sitting at a bar.

A guy walks into the bar and asks the barkeeper "Aren't those two H*tler and Mussolini?" Barkeeper confirms. The guy sits next to them and asks:

-What are you guys doing?

H*tler answers:

-We're planning WW3

-Oh really? What will happen?

-We will kill 15m Jews and a bike mechanic.

-A bike mechanic??!

H*tler slowly turns to Mussolini and speaks:

-See, told you no one would care about 15m Jews.

My encounter with the cop

So I was driving down the road when a cop stopped me, looked at me and asked "You drinking?"
I said "You buying?"








Guys I need bail money

There are three guys on a boat, and they have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with – what do they do?

They throw one cigarette overboard, and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

Three guys were sleeping on a single mattress

When they wake up the guy on the left whispers to the other two, "Dudes, I just had a dream I was getting a handjob...It was friggin awesome."

Then the guy on the right says, "Get outta here! I had a handjob dream too!"

While they high fived and discussed the odds, the guy in the center said, "Lucky stiffs. In my dream, I was skiing."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the guys girls jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working guys for guys piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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