guys Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious guys stories

What are the best guys puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Guys? Well here is a complete list of the top guys jokes:

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.

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How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

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Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud..

But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I'm not one of them.

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Wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy,

It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

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3 guys are on a boat and they have 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with. What do they do?

They throw one cigarette off the boat and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

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How many "friend-zones" guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.

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Prison may be just one word

But to others, it's a whole sentence


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Four CEOs of beer companies are having a meeting and they decide to get a drink.

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The three CEOS then ask him, why aren't you ordering a Guinness?

He replies: "If you guys aren't drinking beer than neither will I."

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Why is 69 afraid of 70?

Because they once had a fight and 71.

#

Sorry guys.

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How many guys in the friendzone does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just stand around and compliment it, and then get pissed when it won't screw

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So the painters finish painting my home...

and they hand me the bill. I notice that by the paint it says $0. I say, "you guys did such a good job, why aren't you charging me for the paint?" The head painter looks at me and says, "don't worry about the paint, it's on the house."

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My Favorite Math Joke

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one tells the bartender he wants a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender puts two beers on the bar and says You guys need to learn your limits.

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You guys know how the toothbrush was invented in the south?

Because if it was invented in the north, it would've been called a teethbrush.

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They say that 1 out of a group of 5 guys is gay....

I'm really hoping it's Jake, because he's *super cute*.

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Joke in honor of mole day

Three moles are going through the ground looking for food.
The first mole pops up out of the ground and sniffs around.
He says "hey guys I think were getting close I smell some syrup".
The next mole pops up and says "ya we must be a smell some syrup too".
The last mole pops up and says "I don't know guys all I smell is some molasses"

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Two guys get pulled over...

Two guys in a car get pulled over. The cop walks up to the window and says "We're looking for 2 pedophiles". The car window goes up then after a few seconds comes back down.
The driver gives a sigh. "Alright, we'll do it"

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A woman in her twenties sees a large black man walking by and decides to flirt with him. So is it true what they say about black guys?

He responds, Sure is. Then he punched her in the face and stole her purse.

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What do you call five white guys sitting on a bench?

The NBA.

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Hey guys, I just lost my virginity yesterday!

What's the worst thing you've ever done to a dead body?

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What do you call a happy cowboy?

A jolly rancher!

Hahahahahahahahah




you guys have no idea how alone I am.

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Have you guys heard about the new restaurant on the moon?

Early critics say the food is good, but there's no atmosphere.

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How many friendzoned guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They'll just compliment it and get pissed when it doesn't screw.

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2 Guys in a Bar

2 guys in a bar.

John: "I have sex with my wife once a month"

Jack: "We do it twice a week"

John: "But Jack, you're not even married!"

Jack: "Oh, I thought we were talking about your wife"

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Three guys in a cell are just starting life sentences...

The first guy pulls out a deck of cards and says, "We're going to be here a long time, so when we get bored we can play poker."

The second guy says, "Great idea. I brought a harmonica, so when we get sad I can play a song to cheer us up."

The third guy pulls out a box of tampons. "What the hell are they for?" ask the first two guys.

"Well, it says on the back that I can ride, swim, ski, *and* play tennis with these."

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Listen guys, I know this sub is all in good fun, but I don't think it's right to be making dumb jokes about obese people.

They already have enough on their plates.

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Two guys are walking down a dark alley

when a mugger approaches them and demand their money.

They both grudgingly pull our their wallets and begin taking out their cash.

Just then, one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Hey, here's that twenty dollars I owe you."

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one orders a beer, the second one orders half a beer, the third one orders a quarter, and the fourth one orders one eighth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says,"you guys should know your limits."

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first mathematician orders a full glass of beer, the second orders half a glass, the third orders a quarter of a glass, and so on. The bartender says Whoa, whoa, slow down. You guys need to learn your limits.

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Two men are walking down the street

When they see 3 guys across the road beating up an older woman. Fred turns to George and says
"Hey, isn't that your mother in law over there?"
"So it is." replies George
"Well aren't you going to help?!" Fred asked.
"Nah," George replied, "I think 3 should be enough"

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Ya know what the difference between broccoli and boogers is?

I don't eat broccoli.

(my 9yr old daughter told me this joke and I loved it. thought I'd share it with you guys)

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Girls vs Guys

How come that when a women sleeps with a bunch of guys, she is considered a slut but when a man does it, he is considered gay?

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I had posted this on Clean Jokes, just thought you guys would appreciate it.

So, The Past, Present, and Future all walk into a bar
It was tense.

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What did the bra say to the hat?

You go on ahead. I'll give these two a lift.

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A guys walks into a bar...

...and sits down at the bar. He orders a whiskey and begins to drink. He looks up and notices a monkey.

"What's with the monkey?" he asks the barkeep.

"Well, watch this." The bartender pulls a stick from behind the bar and whacks the monkey. The monkey climbs down and gives the bartender a blowjob.

"Wanna give it a try?" the bartender asks the man.

"Sure. Just don't hit me so hard with stick!"

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Three guys are talking about their families (likely a re-post)

Three men - Bob, Joe, and David - are bragging about their families. Bob and Joe are Catholic, and David is Mormon.

Joe says "I've got four athletic daughters. One more and I'll have a championship basketball team."

Bob responds "I've got eight athletic sons. One more and I'll have an all-Anerican baseball team."

David answers "I've got five beautiful wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

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Heard about the two guys who stole a calendar?

They both got 6 months

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How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

None they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.

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Blowing Bubbles

There is this door in an ally. Three guys walk out of it. A curious man asked the first guy," what were you doing in there"? The man answered "I was blowing bubbles" The curious man asks the second guy what he was doing, and the man answered, "I was blowing bubbles". Then the curious man said, "Let me guess, you were blowing bubbles". Then the last guy said," What the fuck are you talking about I am bubbles."

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You hear about the two guys that stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

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REAL MEN

Three guys talk in a bar. Two discuss how they are kings in their castles and how much their wives respect them. The third guy remains quiet.

Finally, one guy turns to the quiet guy and asks, "What about you? Do you rule your roost?"

The quiet guy says, "Well, just the other night, my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

"What happened then?" they ask.

She said: "Get out from under the bed you son of a bitch and fight like a man!"

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Seriously guys, every 'yo momma' joke has already been done thousands of times by thousands of people..

just like yo momma!

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What do you guys think of message boards?

....I'm all forum.

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You better not.

I heard this on Christmas day from an elderly, retired preacher.

Two men were watching a dog lick himself. One of the guys said "Man, I sure wish I could do that!"

The other guy said, "You better not- that dog will bite you!"

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Two old guys were chatting in the park.

"You know, my wife and I were happy for 40 years," said one guy.
"What happened?" asked the other guy.
"We met," sighed the first.

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Three guys are on a boat with four cigarettes, but they don't have any matches or lighters. What do they do?

They throw one cigarette overboard and the entire boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

*Stolen from BuzzFeed, but I thought it was hilarious.*

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Three blondes are walking in the forest.

So one day, three blondes were walking in the forest. Eventually, they happened upon some unidentified tracks in the ground.

"Hey, look! Deer tracks!" The first blonde said.

"No, they're raccoon tracks!" The second argued.

"You guys are stupid," interjected the third blonde, "these are clearly bear tracks."

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

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Three Blondes

Three blondes were walking in the woods when they came across a set of tracks. The first blonde said, "Hey guys, look at the bear tracks." The second blonde said, "Are you stupid? Those are wolf tracks." The third blonde said, "You're both wrong! Those are fox tracks!" They were all still arguing when the train hit them.

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Guys get PMS too...

Post Masturbation Syndrome. It's the 15 minutes after masturbating where you question what life is and what you just did.

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So three guys were sleeping in a bed

when all of them woke up at the same time. The guy on the right said, "Holy shit I was just having the best dream about a girl wackin' me off." The guy on the left said, "No way I was having the same fucking dream!" The guy in the middle then said, "Dammit, I just had a dream I was skiing!"

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Guys can we please stop making jokes about obesity?

They have enough on their plate already.

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best guys jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about guys. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty guys gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these guys jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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