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Guys Jokes

169 guys jokes and hilarious guys puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about guys that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Need a good laugh? Check out this collection of jokes featuring funny scenarios with five guys, fall guys, three guys, the other guys, tall guys, two guys, boyz, buddy, and weirdos. Whether you're looking for an old classic or a new classic, these jokes will surely bring a chuckle to your day.

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Funniest Guys Short Jokes

Short guys jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The guys humour may include short gents jokes also.

  1. What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car? A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.
  2. A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem He tells the bartender,"Give me 2 shots of..."
    The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get 1 shot."
  3. How do you break up two blind guys fighting? Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"
  4. Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud.. But when a girl sleep with tons of guys, somehow I'm not one of them.
  5. Girl: "Come over" Guy: "I'm coming over"
    Girl: "We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over."
  6. My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.
  7. A black guy in an library asked me where the colored printer was I said "Sir, this is 2019. You can use any printer you want".
  8. Girl: Come over Guy: I'm coming over
    Girl: We should stop using Walkie-Talkies in bed over
  9. 3 guys are on a boat and they have 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with. What do they do? They throw one cigarette off the boat and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
  10. My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess. So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.

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Guys One Liners

Which guys one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with guys? I can suggest the ones about ladies and gentlemen and males.

  1. Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? I heard he made a mint.
  2. Why is the white guy the scariest guy in prison? Cause you know he is actually guilty.
  3. Alright guys, the Suez Canal jokes are getting a bit old now. That ship has sailed.
  4. Prison may be just one word But to others, it's a whole sentence
  5. Iron Man is a very confusing character. I know he's a guy but he could've been Fe Male.
  6. A guy with a stutter died in prison before he could finish his sentence.
  7. If I had a dollar for every racist thing I said a black guy would probably rob me.
  8. I saw 2 guys wearing matching outfits and asked if they were gay. They arrested me.
  9. Why is 69 afraid of 70? Because they once had a fight and 71.
    #
    Sorry guys.
  10. Why didn't the Japanese guy get a high five? Because Logan Paul left him hanging.
  11. My town never changes population. Everytime a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
  12. I buy my guns from a guy named T-Rex He's a small arms dealer.
  13. An Irish guy walks out of a bar.... It could happen.
  14. There's a term for guys like Donald Trump. But apparently not 2 terms.
  15. I started a club for guys with erectile dysfuntion It was a total flop. Nobody came.

Three Guys Jokes

Here is a list of funny three guys jokes and even better three guys puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Guy runs into a bar, yells "Quick! How tall is a penguin?" Bartender says "Three feet tall."
    Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!"
  • For my cake day, I'd like to share my favorite joke of all time. Three guys were walking down the street.
    Two of them walked into a bar.
    The third guy ducked.
  • A Three legged dog walks into the old wild west saloon He says to the bartender, "I'm lookin' fer the guy who shot my paw."
  • There are three guys on a boat, and they have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with – what do they do? They throw one cigarette overboard, and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
  • A guy died and his three friends all owed him $100 each 1st and 2nd friends both put $100 on his coffin and declared repayment even in death. 3rd guy wrote a check for $300 and took the $200 change.
  • Three guys are drinking methanol. "Quickly, let's finish the bottle, it's getting dark already," one of them observes.
  • My grandpa would always tell me girls have two knees but guys have three You have your left knee, right knee, and your WEEknee
  • Three old guys are sitting on a bench in the park One says, "Windy today."
    Another says, "You idiot, it's Thursday."
    The third guy says, "Me too, let's go get a beer."
  • I was walking home when I saw two guys beating up a kid in an alley I immediately jumped in to help.
    He didn't stand a chance against the three of us.
  • I saw an old man get robbed by three guys today, so I decided to step in. He didn't stand a chance against the four of us!

3 Guys Jokes

Here is a list of funny 3 guys jokes and even better 3 guys puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Saw my ex... On my way home from work last year i saw my ex being beaten up by 3 guys, i stopped the car and ran over to help...she didnt stand a chance against 4 of us.
  • The guy next to me on pump 3 put $10 worth of gas in his car. Where's he going, pump 4?
  • Given the terms crab , tuna , lobster , and Chinese guy caught in an avalanche of boulders , which does not fit? Ans: tuna . The other 3 are crushed asians.
  • So there's this girl named Mary... 1. Mary meets a guy named Joseph
    2. Mary ends up pregnant
    3. ???
    4. Prophet
  • 3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes, but no lighter So one of the guys throws a cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
  • Jesus was gay. He was nailed by 3 guys.
  • I hate when people ask me what I'm going to be doing in 3 years Like come on guys, I don't have 2020 vision!
  • 3 guys are on a boat with four cigarettes and nothing to light them with. So they throw a cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
  • A black guy and a white guy each drink 3 beers at a bar, who pays the bill? They each pay for their own because men aren't complicated
  • The hitchhiker A guy with 3 eyes, one leg, and no arms is hitchhiking. Suddenly a nice English gent pulls over and says "eye, eye, eye, you look 'armless, hop in."
Guys joke, The hitchhiker

Five Guys Jokes

Here is a list of funny five guys jokes and even better five guys puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I got jumped by five black guys in Baltimore... They were real nice. Car started right up, and they even helped me with directions back to the interstate.
  • I got jumped by five black guys in Baltimore. The car started right up but they said I'd need a new battery.
  • What do you call five white guys sitting on a bench? The NBA.
  • What is a cannibals favorite restaurant? Five Guys
  • A guy goes to a cake shop and says: - Can you please make me a cake that says "you are the only one for me"?
    - Yes sir.
    - Well, I'll order five of those.
  • What is Unidan's favorite fast food joint? Five Guys.
  • What did the convicted cannibal choose for his last meal? Five guys
  • A jewish guy asks his father for $20 His father replied, "ten dollars? what in the world do you need five dollars for, I'd be happy to give you a dollar, here's a quarter.
  • A Japanese guy tried to high five Logan Paul... But Logan left him hanging.
  • So this Roman guy... This Roman guy walks into a Tavern, raises two fingers and yells, 'five beers please!'

Fall Guys Jokes

Here is a list of funny fall guys jokes and even better fall guys puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I was at the airport when I saw a guy fall unconscious on the baggage carousel. He came around slowly.
  • I know a guy who survived an 8000-foot fall out of a plane. Until he hit the ground.
  • I went skydiving today. The guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane, and as we began to fall he yelled in my ear "So how long you been an instructor?
  • What's the difference between 'Light' and 'Hard'? Guys can fall asleep with a light on....
  • What's the difference between a guy falling from the 20th or the 1st floor of a building? 20th floor fall goes: *Aaaaaah, BAM!*
    1st floor fall goes: *BAM, Aaaaah!*
  • I'm in a gaming clan and our favorite season is Autumn We're the Fall Guys
  • How do you make a guy with one arm fall out of a tree? Wave
  • What do you call a guy who falls into a Yellowstone hot spring? Stew.
  • Two Melons Fall In Love The guy says, I love you so much, my sweet little honey dew. I don't want to wait. Let's run away to Vegas together.
    The girl replies, No, baby. I cantaloupe.
  • I was walking along and I saw a guy fall into a nest of mosquitoes... ...it was malarious!
Guys joke, I was walking along and I saw a guy fall into a nest of mosquitoes...

Guys Jokes to Giggle and Enjoy A Night of Unforgettable Laughter

What funny jokes about guys you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean women men jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make guys pranks.

Four CEOs of beer companies are having a meeting and they decide to get a drink.

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.
The three CEOS then ask him, why aren't you ordering a Guinness?
He replies: "If you guys aren't drinking beer than neither will I."

Hey guys, I just lost my virginity yesterday!

What's the worst thing you've ever done to a dead body?

They say that 1 out of a group of 5 guys is gay....

I'm really hoping it's Jake, because he's *super cute*.

Joke in honor of mole day

Three moles are going through the ground looking for food.
The first mole pops up out of the ground and sniffs around.
He says "hey guys I think were getting close I smell some syrup".
The next mole pops up and says "ya we must be a smell some syrup too".
The last mole pops up and says "I don't know guys all I smell is some molasses"

So the painters finish painting my home...

and they hand me the bill. I notice that by the paint it says $0. I say, "you guys did such a good job, why aren't you charging me for the paint?" The head painter looks at me and says, "don't worry about the paint, it's on the house."

My Favorite Math Joke

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one tells the bartender he wants a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender puts two beers on the bar and says You guys need to learn your limits.

You guys know how the toothbrush was invented in the south?

Because if it was invented in the north, it would've been called a teethbrush.

A woman in her twenties sees a large black man walking by and decides to flirt with him. So is it true what they say about black guys?

He responds, Sure is. Then he punched her in the face and stole her purse.

I saw a skinny guy getting brutally beat up by 5 huge guys! I'm not the hero type, but still decided to help out.

It felt good being on the winning side for once.

I was in Feruson, got jumped by 5 black guys

It started right up, they said I just need to replace the battery.

What's the definition of a will?

Come on guys it's a dead giveaway

A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D.

Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job.
Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."
Guy replies "Why the rabbit?"
Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"

Three drunk guys get into a taxi.

The driver knew they were drunk. He turned the engine on and quickly turned it back off. He said "We've arrived."
The 1st drunk pays the driver, the 2nd drunk thanked him, and the 3rd drunk slapped him. He thought the 3rd drunk knew what he did, but he asked anyway "What was that for?"
"CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME! You nearly killed us!"

A girl takes a black guy home.

At the end of a night out on the town, a girl takes a black guy back to her house.
They're kissing and moving towards her bedroom when she looks at him with the most flirtatious eyes she can muster and says: "Is it true what they say about black guys? ;)"
To which the man responded "Of course it is baby.", stabbed her, stole her wallet and left.

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.

How many I.T. guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

none. That's a hardware problem
but have you tried turning it on and off again?

Did you guys hear about the kid getting arrested for bringing a clock to school?

Sources say that the teachers were alarmed.

Guys I think Trump's immigration policies just might work.

China built a wall and they have like, no Mexicans.

Two Blondes meet up for coffee...

Two blondes meet up for coffee and one asks the other what she has been up to.
"I had s**... with two Brazilian guys last night", she said.
"Wow - I've never even met that many guys" replied the other.

Hey guys, don't you just hate it when you're woken up in the middle of the night for s**...?

can't wait to get out of prison.

Why do guys gain weight after marriage?

Because when they're single, they come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. When they're married, they come home, see what's in the bed, and go to the fridge...

A black guys walks into a bank...

... says "I'm looking for a job!"
The bank manager says, "Well, you're in luck! We have a position opening tomorrow that pays $48,000 a year and has access to a free car!"
The black guy says "You're joking."
The bank manager says "Well, you started it!"

A man applies for a job with the local police.

The officer says, "This is the best résumé I've ever seen! There's just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot eight black guys and a cat."
Guy replies "Why the cat?"
Officer says "Great attitude, you're hired!"

A white woman takes a black man she met a club home...

...She takes him by the hand to the bedroom and winks at him and says: "why don't you show me if what they say about black guys is true." So he stabs her and steals her TV.
P.S: don't worry, it's ok for me to make such jokes because I'm racist.

I told the ambulance guys the wrong blood type for my ex

Now she should understand what rejection feels like.

Are you guys OK?

I haven't heard from you all year.

Ladies: A guide to understanding what guys say...

* If a guy says you're hot, he's looking at your body.
* If a guy says you're pretty, he's looking at your face.
* If a guy says you're fabulous, he's looking at your brother.

Guys, the USA is looking pretty bad...

I think its time for USB.

Whats the difference between a golf ball and a g**...?

Guys will actually look for the golf ball.

Two guys in a communal shower...

Guy1: You wanna play the r**... game?
Guy2: No.
Guy1: That's the spirit!!

2 blind guys were about to fight

I shouted: I bet the one with the knife wins!
Both started running away.

My last time having s**... was like the 100m dash

There were 8 black guys and a gun

Guys I just recently bought a 256GB iPhone 7 Plus, my son dropped it and the screen shattered. Anyways I'm doing a giveaway!

The kid is 8 years old, cute, thin and not really tall.

I met two guys wearing matching clothing. So I asked them if they were gay.

They promptly arrested me

A Black Guy, a Mexican, and a Muslim holding a Gay Chicken Walk Into a Bar

Bartender says, "We don't do jokes in here."
The chicken says, "Come on guys I know a place across the street."

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one walks up and orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third one wants 1/4 of a beer, and the next wants just 1/8th. The bartender sees where this is going, and stops them before anyone else can order.
The bartender pours two beers, hands them over, and says "You guys should really know your limits".

A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament

Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?
Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.
Interviewer: and what about the rest?
Poker player: Well... I guess they'll have to wait..

Premarital s**...

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on s**..., marriage, and values.
Dave said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Frank replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?

Wife: Stop pretending your life is a youtube video!! It's ruining our marriage!

Me: Do you guys think it's ruining our marriage? Let me know in the comments below!

An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first says, I'll have a beer. The second says, I'll have half a beer. The third says, I'll have a quarter of a beer. Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. Come on, now, he says to the group, You guys have got to learn your limits.

You guys wanna hear a construction joke?

..... hold on I'm working on it.
(Brought to you by my 8 year old nephew)

Four engineers get into a car.. The car won't start

The Mechanical engineer says: "It's a broken starter".
The Electrical engineer says: "Dead battery".
The Chemical engineer says: "Impurities in the gasoline".
The IT engineer says: "Hey guys, I have an idea how about we all get out of the car and get back in".

Guys come on, we shouldn't give fat people such a hard time.

They have enough on their plate already.

Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat

Then I remember they feed off of attention.
EDIT 1: This blew up quick thanks guys :D
EDUT 2: When I typed edit 1 it had 500 upvotes now im waking up to 29K upvotes thanks eveyone :D

Guys, I think my girlfriend might be a psychic.

Last night my phone died while I was out, so I used my brother's phone to call her.
And she answered, "What's up, s**...?" Before I even said a word!

I watched the video of my wedding backwards.

I almost cried when I took the ring back, gave her back to her father, moonwalked out of the church, and went away, free.
Wow: I made it to front page! Thanks guys!

I was clinging for dear life on the edge of the cliff...

As the rescue team approached, one of the guys shouted, "Whatever you do, don't look down!"
So I started smiling...

Everyone should calm down about that Net Neutrality thing...

You guys seem so Ajitated.

I saw 2 guys with matching clothes and asked them if they are gay...

They promptly arrested me.

I'm having some real trouble mending my broken fence.

Can anyone here give me some tips?
I was told you guys are the best at reposting.

A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online.

But it's really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.

My roommate's cellphone broke

He wants me to let you guys know he's vegan

Did you guys know that the Soviet Union made the best bread in history?

People would wait days in line for a single piece

Fight Club was awesome!

Hey guys so I found this Fight Club last night and had a blast! I showed up a little late so I missed some of the rules but I highly recommend it!

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have a beer." The second says, "I'll have half a beer." The third says, "I'll have a quarter of a beer." And so on.

The bartender hands them two glasses of beer and says, "You guys need to know your limits."

The other day i saw two blind guys fighting

I yelled: I BET ON THE ONE WITH THE KNIFE!
They run away from each other

It's 2018, we need to stop calling things gay just because they are lame.

So what if there are no women at this bar? Most of the guys are really nice and some of them even bought me drinks, and that's pretty cool if you ask me.

The best in town!

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best s**... in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.

Has COVID-19 got you wearing glasses and a mask at the same time?

You may be entitled to condensation.
EDIT (July 14, 2020 7:40PM PST): Um, wow. I did not expect the 2.9K likes, especially since I didn't come up with it. Thanks for the support guys and y'all got me, I read it somewhere else and shared it.

A couple of Italian guys are discussing who, if they could choose any woman in the world, they'd rather bang

One of them says some big name actress, the other says "Virginia Pippilini."
The first guy's like, "Who's that? Is she a model?"
"I don't know"
"Actress?"
"I don't know."
"Singer?"
"I don't know."
"Well if you don't know, why choose her?"
The guy pulls out a newspaper and points to the headline. "Virginia Pipeline blows 50 men dead."

I got pulled over and my vape was in my cup holder.

The cop said you know, the news says those things are killing people.
I chuckled and said they're saying the same thing about you guys.
He didn't laugh.

Guys I just invented a new word

Guys I just invented a new word
Plagiarism

Why did Princess Leia date so many guys before she found Han?

She was looking for love in Alderaan places.

I wanted to make a joke about time travel...

...but you guys didn't like it.

Guys, don't install adblock

I did, and now the hot singles in my area don't want to meet me any more.

Four guys are playing golf together and talking about how successful their sons are.

The first says, "My son is so successful, he's VP of his company and just gave his best friend a car. "
The second says, " That's nothing, my son is CEO of his company and just gave his best friend a house."
The third says, "Well, my son owns 3 highly profitable companies and just gave his best friend a jet."
They look expectantly at the last guy who says, "My son is a gay e**... who gets showered with love and admiration. He just got a car, a house, and a jet from three of his clients."

t**... isn't a good name for a c**....

Didn't the real t**... horse burst and loads of little guys came pouring out of it?

2 guys walk into a bar

"Hey donkey get the beers in" shouts o**... to the other.
The man walks up to the barman and stutters " two bee... two bee... two beers please?" the barman starts to pour the mans beer when the guys friend shouts "Donkey! get me some nuts too"
The man stood at the bar says to the barman " two pa... two pa.. two packets of nuts too please"
The barman says to the guy "That's a bit mean, why does he call you donkey?" and the man replies "It's OK, He aw... he aw.. he always calls me that"

Today I saw two blind guys fighting...

Should've seen their faces when I said "My money's on the one with the knife"

What's an example of a palindrome?

Daughter: What's an example of a palindrome?
Dad: Mom.
Daughter: Ugh. Fine. Mom, what's an example of a palindrome?
Mom: Dad.
Daughter: OHMYGOD WHY WON'T YOU GUYS HELP ME

Guys joke, What's an example of a palindrome?

jokes about guys