Guy With No Arms Or Legs Jokes

Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm.
His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis.
"Incredible!," says his friend.
"Medical science is amazing."
Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off.
Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football.
"Incredible!," says his friend.
"Medical science is amazing!"
Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head.
Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his friend but can't find him.
He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, "Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday."
The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."

Name Jokes

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs and sits in front of a door? Mat
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs and swims? Bob
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs and sits in a big steel p**...? Stu
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs and has a shovel in his head? Doug
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs and sits in a can of paint? Hugh
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs and lays on a grill? Frank. What's his wife's name? Patty
What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Ilene. What if she's Asian? Irene
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs and sits on a swing? Anything you want, what's he really going to do about it?

A guy is walking on the beach...

A guy is walking on the beach when he sees a girl lying in the sand crying. He walks over and asks the girl what's wrong she says, " I am 18 years old I have no arms and no legs and I have never been hugged." The man feels bad and gives her a hug. The next day the man is walking on the beach, and he sees the girl crying. He walks over and asks what's wrong. The girl says, " I am 18 years old I have no arms and no legs and I have never been kissed" The mans feels. Ad and gives her a kiss. The next day the man is walking on the beach, and he sees the same girl crying again. He walks over and says, " What's wrong now." The girl says, " I am 18 years old I have no arms and no legs and I have never been s**.... The man immediately picks her up and tosses her into the ocean and says, " now your s**...."

Heading to market

Little Johnny's mom sends him out to the store for some nuts so she can make brownies. On the way to the store, little johnny witnesses a horrendous car accident in which a car explodes with a man still inside. Stunned by what he jus saw he runs all the way home to tell his mom. He runs in and says, "Mom there was this giant accident!!! This guy was trapped in a car and it exploded! His body parts went everywhere! His arm flew this way and his leg the other way it was intense!" To which his mom replies, "And the nuts!?" "O I don't know where they went.."
Joke I heard when I was kid, sorry if repost or if the wording is a bit off, its been a while.

The Lumberjack Joke

Two lumberjacks, Bob and Screwball, are working in a mill. All is well until Screwball accidentally leans too far forward and gets his arm chopped off. Bob says "Oh no!", puts the decapitated arm in a plastic grocery bag and drives to the nearest hospital.
The next day, Bob shows up for work at the mill as usual, expecting to have to work twice as hard since Screwball is gone. But when he opens the door, Screwball's right there, arm totally healed, working away as if nothing happened. Bob keeps his confusion to himself and the day goes on as normal.
Screwball, the idiot he is, hasn't learned his lesson, and carelessly leans too forward again. This time, his leg gets chopped off. Bob quickly puts the dismembered leg in a bag and rushes off to the hospital.
Bob goes into work the next morning not knowing what to think. Trusty old Screwball is working away, as if his leg was never gone. Bob is no longer worried. Screwball does the same thing he did the two previous days, leans too far forward, and gets his head chopped off. Bob does what is fairly standard procedure by now - he puts his head in a bag and drives to the hospital.
After a little while, Bob decides to visit his friend. He asks a nurse about him, and the nurse says, "Oh, that guy? He would have made it, but some idiot put his head in a bag and he suffocated to death."

21st birthday

A little boy is born with a terrible birth defect - he has only a head, no torso, no limbs.
On his 21st birthday, his friends take him to the bar to celebrate. One of them pours his first beer down his t**... - and p**...! All of a sudden, a neck and torso pop out of his head.
His friends are stunned. "Quick, get him another one!" So one of them helps him drink another beer - and p**...! Two arms pop out of the torso.
Amazed, they order another beer, which the boy (now having arms) proudly drinks all by himself. p**...! Two legs pop out of the torso. All his friends cheer as the guy gets up to take a few steps. But he's unsteady on his new legs - not helped by three beers in rapid succession - and after a few steps he stumbles through the front door and into the street, and gets flattened by a bus.
"Bummer," says one of the guys in the bar. "He should have quit while he was ahead."

Seatbelt

The police, several ambulances and news crews arrived at a car c**.... As the police were taking photos of the scene, one of them was being interviewed by a reporter. This was a terrible accident and he wanted to remind people to be cautious:
"Most of these people died because they didn't wear their seat belts. Look at this guy here, he didn't wear his seat belt and he flew through the windshield and his arms are nowhere to be found. Look at that girl there, she didn't wear her seat belt and she's missing her arms and legs. Look at that guy there, he didn't wear his seat belt and half of him is in the car while the other half on the street. Now let's check the other car. See, everyone had their seat belts on and they all look like they did when they were alive."

Two men sit in a bar when a guy with a bunch of knives comes in..

.. one of the guys turned to the other and said:
"See that guy with all those knives? He's *Knife Bill*"
Some time later a man with 8 guns on his belt comes in and again the guy turned to the other and said:
"See that guy with all those guns? He's *Gun Bill*"
An hour later a guy with 5 arms and 3 legs comes in and the other guy asks:
"Who is that??"
"That's *Cherno Bill*"

This is the real no arms no legs on the beach joke, not that lame one. - So there was this guy with no arms and no legs...

... and his friends are all like, "we have to make a good thing for him since he's depressed and stuff."
So they decide to take him to the beach. They dug a small hole, positioned the handicapped friend on the sand, with a little table and a drink with a straw.
Over time the tide comes up, and all his friends are playing football far away. They forgot about no arms no legs man. Completely forgot about him.
As the tide almost reaches his belly, a drunk man approaches. The handicapped guy is screaming on the top of his lungs by now.. help!
The drunk guy says "nothin to worry little fella, I'll help"
So he grabs our unlucky protagonist and drags him to the ocean. The drunk man is eager to wish him good fortune: "Go little turtle, go in peace... "

A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up.

A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up. Her
first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another
woman. Plus, she couldn't find a new lover who could satisfy her
s**..., so she put an ad in the classifieds:
Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won't beat me, won't leave me,
and is good in bed.
About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a
man with no arms and legs on her front porch.
"I'm here about your ad," he says.
"You must be mistaken," she says.
"Let me explain," he says. "I can't beat you, I don't have any arms.
And I can't run away because I don't have any legs."
"But," she asks, "How do I know you're good in bed?"
"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Adam and Eve

When God made Adam he noticed that Adam was sad and asked what was wrong.
Adam - I'm lonely.
God - That's no good! How about I make you a companion? One that is gorgeous, give you mind blowing s**..., will cook and clean, and doesn't mind it when you spend time with the guys or watch football?
Adam - That sounds awesome! What will it cost me?
God - An arm and a leg!
Adam - What can I get for a rib?

A fighter pilot was shot down over France during WWII...

A fighter pilot is shot down over France during WWII and is captured by the Germans. He's injured, so they have to amputate his leg.
"Hey, next time you guys are b**... England, can you drop it over my base?"
So they do it. The next week they have to cut off his other leg, and he makes the same request. The *next* week they have to cut off his arm, but this time he's denied.
"Nein! Zis ve cannot do anymore!"
"Why not?"
"Because ve zink you are trying to escape!"

3 Swimmers are on the starting blocks at the Paralympic games

The first one has no arms, the second one has no legs, and the third one is just a head standing on the block.
The race starts, the first two swimmers jump in and start swimming, someone pushes the head in.
They go at it like crazy and finally the guy with no legs reaches the finish line.
Everyone cheers, he is so happy, but he looks around and sees bubbles coming from the water.
He dives and grabs the head that was underwater. The head coughs some water and says:
"I train for five years to swim with my ears and just before the start an idiot comes and puts a swim cap on me!"

[Long]Three Toronto surgeons were playing golf together

and discussing surgeries they had performed..
 
One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Ontario. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident; 
I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.
 
The second surgeon said.. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident; 
I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold Medal in track and field events in the Olympics.
 
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs . Several years ago a man was high on c**... and m**... 
and he rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. 
All I had left to work with was the man's  blonde hair and the Horse's a**.... 
I was able to put them together and now he's running for President of the U..S.A!"

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall?

Art.
That same guy in your pool? Bob
Same guy in your hot tub? Stew
Sitting under your car that's missing a wheel? Jack
Same guy on your porch? Matt
Same guy getting hit with a baseball bat? Homer
Same guy lying in a pile of leaves? Russel
What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen
Chinese girl with the same condition? Irene.

Literally the guy you asked for

A woman looking for a relationship places an ad, saying, Looking for a guy that won't beat me, won't run away on me and will satisfy me nicely. Am good looking, excellent cook.
Three days later, there's a loud knocking at her door. Behind it there's a guy with no arms and no legs, smiling expectantly. Dear Amy, he says, I have no arms so I couldn't even beat you if I tried. I have no legs and I can't run away on you. I'm your guy.
That's very nice, says Amy, surprised, but how will you be able to satisfy me?
His smile widens, You did hear the knocking, didn't you?