guy Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious guy puns

A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?

The guy replies, "Well that was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.

The man says back, "That's terrible, but couldn't you get another close family member to come with you?

The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."

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What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?

A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.





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A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem

He tells the bartender,"Give me 2 shots of..."

The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get 1 shot."

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How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

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A guy sits down on a bench next to a Thai kid wearing soccer cleats.

"So, who are you rooting for in the World Cup Final?" the man asks, noticing the soccer gear.

"I don't know, who's playing?" the boy answers.

"Jesus Christ, have you been under a rock or something?"

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Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud..

But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I'm not one of them.

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Girl: "Come over"

Guy: "I'm coming over"

Girl: "We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over."

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The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, She's beautiful, isn't she? I said, If you think she's beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.

He said, Why? Is she a stunner? I said, No, she's an optician.

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I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

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Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy.

You can't imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him put his pistol back in his pocket.

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My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

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Wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy,

It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

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The word asparagus is funny.

It sounds like an Italian guy begging you not to kill someone named Gus.

I'm sorry. I'm high as shit and just ate some asparagus. My first original joke.

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A black guy in an library asked me where the colored printer was

I said "Sir, this is 2019. You can use any printer you want".

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Why is the white guy the scariest guy in prison?

Cause you know he is actually guilty.

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An Australian goes to new Zealand

An Australian goes to new Zealand and sees a guy fucking a sheep on the side of the road, he says mate, in Australia we sheer our sheep. The new Zealand guy says, fuck off, I'm not sheering her with anyone.

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My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess.

So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.

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Asian guy walks into a bar

He sits down at the the bar and start drinking a beer. The guy next to him ask: you know kung fu or karate or any or this shit? The asian guy replies: why you ask this, is because I chinese? The other guy replies no it's because you're drinking my fucking beer.

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A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a crowded local bar, holding a pistol in his hand and yelling, I have a 45 caliber pistol here with seven rounds in the barrel plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife.
A voice from the other end of the bar called out, You'll need more ammo

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Guy walks into a bar with a gun and snarls who had sex with my wife!!!

A guy in the back replies

You don't have enough bullets

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Iron Man is a very confusing character.

I know he's a guy but he could've been Fe Male.

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My friends say there is a gay guy in our circle of friends

I really hope it's Todd, he's cute.

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A guy with a stutter died in prison

before he could finish his sentence.

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I was walking with my girlfriend when a random guy whistled at her and said "nice ass". She was clearly annoyed and demanded I say something.

So I turned around and said: "Thank you I've been doing squats"

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How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Shout, I got money on that guy with the knife!

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If I had a dollar for every racist thing I said

a black guy would probably rob me.

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Wearing Crocs is a lot like getting a blowjob from a guy.

They both feel really good until you look down and realize you're gay.

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[NSFW] A highschool is having a talent show.

The first act is a girl trying to tie a knot with a cherry stem in her mouth. She tries and tries, but she just cant do it.

A guy from the audience yells out, "Hey, maybe you should practice with my dick!" Most of the audience laughs.

The girl requests a microphone and a nearby teacher obliges. The girl says into the microphone, "I think I should get good with the cherry stem before I try anything smaller."

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If a girl fucks ten guys in a week she's a slut...

If a guy does it, he's gay. Definitely gay.

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Have you heard about the guy with 5 penises?

His underwear fits like a glove.

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How about an Indian joke?

A nice Indian woman gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts "Is there a doctor here?"

A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her: "I am. What is the problem?"

She replies: "Do you want to meet my daughter?"

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A black guy in a library asked me where the colored printer was

I replied, "Dude, it's 2017, you can use any printer you want."

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a guy got an Interview for a job with EA

Boss: the second part of your resume is missing

Applicant: for the second part you have to pay 20$

Boss: welcome on board

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If light travels faster than the speed of sound...

how come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?

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A Guy walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"

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What are the most funny Guy jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Guy? Well, here are the best Guy dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Guy pick up lines to share with friends.

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