Guts Jokes
85 guts jokes and hilarious guts puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about guts that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Make your friends laugh with these hilarious gut jokes! Learn how to use your audacity and grit to make everyone chuckle. Get ready to flex your bowels of laughter with these bubble guts jokes!
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Funniest Guts Short Jokes
Short guts jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The guts humour may include short gutter jokes also.
- I was gutted today when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5 year old son wasn't actually mine... She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school...
- I was going to commit seppuku the other day. But I didn't have the guts to go through with it.
- I just don't get some people. I mean, you compliment on their mustache out of sheer politeness... ...and all of a sudden she hates your guts.
- It took guts to buy the new iPhone X Specifically, both my kidneys, my pancreas, and my large intestine.
- Please refrain from calling an expanded gut on a man Dad Bod … It is more accurately defined as a Father Figure.
- Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it wanted to show the other chickens that it had guts. (Courtesy of my daughter)
- A bug hit the windshield and my Grandma said: "I bet he won't have the guts to do that again!"
- My 9 year old daughter's joke Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He didn't have the guts. - A man was stabbed in the stomach in an alley... he was gonna punch him back, but he didn't have the guts.
- How can I invest in the Mexican airline industry? Call me crazy but once this wall goes up I've got a gut-feeling I think that's one industry that will really be taking off.
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Guts One Liners
Which guts one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with guts? I can suggest the ones about tummy and courage.
- Any bug can hit a windshield.. But it takes some guts to stick.
- Mummy, Mummy, I hate daddy's guts Then push them to the side of your plate!
- A guy was found dead with ten stab wounds in his stomach. Somebody really hated his guts.
- I had to kill a fish today... I was fine about it but the fish was gutted.
- I want to tell a joke about skeletons for spooktober But I don't have the guts to do it
- I've got indigestion... Don't ask me how I know. Just a gut feeling i guess
- Why are skeletons always scared? Because they have no guts!
- TIL that the first condoms were made of fish intestines. So people had the guts to do it.
- A bug hit my windshield, I know the last thing that went trough its mind. His guts
- A mechanic falls onto his tools... It was a gut-wrenching experience.
- Don't be sad Because sad backwards is das, and das is nicht gut
- They say weightlifting can lead to disembowelment .. But I think it really shows guts
- My girlfriend asked me if she should buy probiotics I told her my gut feeling was no.
- You know what really takes guts? Digestion.
- How can women tell they're pregnant? It's a gut feeling
Fish Guts Jokes
Here is a list of funny fish guts jokes and even better fish guts puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I caught a fish and let slip I was going to eat him He was gutted
- I used to work in a fish gutting factory... But I couldn't handle the plaice.
Howlingly Hilarious Guts Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
What funny jokes about guts you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean intestines jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make guts pranks.
Czech and a Mexican
A Czechoslovakian and a Mexican go camping, while they were in the woods the Czech gets eaten by a bear. So the Mexican runs to find the park ranger and says "park ranger a bear ate my friend"
The park ranger and the Mexican find two bears, a male and a female. The park ranger asked the Mexican which ate his friend he points to the male and the ranger kills him and guts him there are no remains of the Czech man in the bear. Moral of the story never trust a Mexican when he says the Check is in the male
A little girl says to her mother "mommy, I hate daddy's guts!"
Her mother replies "shut up and keep eating."
Sorry if this has been posted already, a teacher of mine told my class this and i had to share!
I was driving to work this morning when a bug splatted into my windscreen.
I thought "It'll never have the guts to do that again!"
When he was arrested, the mafioso was intent on not ratting anyone out. But he had ebola, so...
...he spilled his guts to the cops.
Why wouldn't the skeleton go diving?
He didn't have the guts for it.
I think my o**... donor girlfriend wants to break up with me.
She just doesn't have the guts to do it.
We really need to respect o**... donors...
It takes guts to do what they do! (I'm sorry)
Why did the egg spill his guts at an AA meeting?
He was addicted to crack.
A canibal was getting ready to eat his first meal
But he didn't have the guts
Why did the skeleton run away from the Boogeyman?
It didn't have any guts.
Why do people hesitate before registering as an o**... donor?
It takes guts.
When you pass gas loudly in a crowded room, everyone should applaud...
That takes some guts.
Why didn't the skeleton ask out the Zombie to go to the Halloween party?
He didn't have the guts
Jeffrey d**... is a hero.
Anyone can be a serial killer, but it takes guts to eat a man.
Why is the Statue of Liberty hollow?
Because she's really French, and the French have no GUTS!
Why don't skeletons fight each other?
They don't have the guts.
It takes guts to be a forensic scientist.
A lot of guts. Everywhere.
Why did the skeleton burp?
Because it didn't have the guts to f**....
Did you hear about the girl who was too afraid to go in for intestine transplant surgery?
She didn't have the guts
A bug hit the windshield.
He will never have the guts to do that again.
Why didn't the jack-o-lantern cross the road?
He had no guts.
What do really ugly people and really good-looking people have in common?
No one of the opposite s**... has the guts to talk to them...
I'm so lonely
A pumpkin says to a jack-o'-lantern "All we ever do is sit around on the stoop. Don't you want to mix it up, try something different?"
The jack-o'-lantern says "I don't have the guts."
Why doesn't a skeleton jump off a bridge?
Cause he has no guts...
Why could the skeleton not go bungee jumping?
He didn't have the guts.
Why did the jew gastroenterologist refuse to examine h**...?
He hated his guts
Why did the skeleton refuse to go skydiving?
He didn't have the guts.
I'm thinking about starting an underground business selling human organs...
It's gonna take a lot of guts.
A doctor asked the patient if he would like to be a donor.
The patient said, "Yes, but only donate my organs to my enemies."
"Why?" asked the doctor.
"Because they really hate my guts."
FOBs will understand.
3 new men - an Irish man, an English man and a Samoan - arrive at the army camp. The next day, the colonel, salt of the earth, rough as guts type fellow, decides to go psych the newbies up.
He calls them to line up and approaches the Irish man...
"DID YOU COME HERE TO DIE!?!?"
"SIR YES SIR!! I CAME HERE TO DIE!"
"Good."
He walks over to the English man...
"DID YOU COME HERE TO DIE!?!?"
"SIR YES SIR!! I CAME HERE TO DIE!"
"Good man."
Then he approaches the Samoan...
"DID YOU COME HERE TO DIE!?!?"
"SIR NO SIR!!"
"What??"
"I CAME HERE YESTER-DIE!"
"Mommy, mommy, I don't want to go to Europe!"
"Shut up and keep swimming."
I once knew a bunch of these. How many do you know?
Another one: "Mommy, mommy, I hate my sister's guts!" "Shut up and keep eating."
A s**... bomber dies and goes to heaven
At the pearly gates he meets St. Peter who tells him, "I bet you don't have the guts to do that again."
I wanted to cook Haggis for the first time...
But I didn't have the guts to try it.
I found out there are people who eat animal guts and entrails.
I think that's offal.
Family dinner
Son: I can't stand my father's guts
Mom: Just leave them on thr side of your plate.
Why are skeletons afraid of the dark?
Because they've got no guts
What's a coward on one side, has guts all over in the middle, and doesn't exist on the other side?
The chicken crossing the road who got hit by a truck halfway across.
The Welsh invented the c**... using sheep's guts
But the English improved upon the idea by taking them out of the sheep
Why didn't Dr. Frankenstein ever make a second monster?
Because he just didn't have the guts to do it again.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts.
4 people fighting to sit on the Throne.
There's blood, there's guts, there's n**....
Gonna have to face the facts.
I'm a terrible cook.
It takes guts to be an o**... donor.
And b**... to be a s**... donor.
My mom said my Pawpaw would say this joke all the time in the car. They'd be driving along and a bug would splat against the windshield and he'd say...
"I bet he doesn't have the guts to do that again."
It takes guts...
...to be an o**... donor.
Ivy League School Principal, Mr. Marquez, and Community College Principal, Mr. Davidson, were arguing that their respective students were the most fearless.
Ivy League school principal called his students and asked them to jump in sea full of sharks.
They jumped.
Principal said: See the guts…
Community College principal called his students and asked them to jump.
They said: "Have you completely lost your marbles, Mr. Davidson?"
Principal said: See the guts.
A woman was sick and tired of hearing her husband f**... all night long and repeatedly told him that he'd s**... his guts out one day.
He kept doing it, so she bought an entire sack of pigs intestines from the butcher and put them in the man's underwear when he was asleep. When she awoke the next morning, he said, "You were right honey, I DID s**... my guts out! But with the grace of God and these two fingers, I was able to push them back in!"
The animals in the zoo are bored.
The snake says "I know, we can play billiards" The elephant scoffs "How. we don't have a table?" The snake explains they can do tricks, and the other animals judge them as to how many b**... they have sunk. So each animal does their best and the snake is winning, showing off he says to the elephant "Bet i can slither through your guts and out your a**..." With that he shoots up the elephant's trunk. The elephant quickly jams his trunk up his own a**... and says "Ha!.. You're snookered."
Why is the skeleton so timid?
He doesn't have the guts to speak up
I can't be in the national o**... donor program.
I just don't have the guts.
Mummy! I hate my brother's guts!
Well, leave them on the side of your plate then!
This joke was told to me 60 years ago by my then 3 year old brother. He still finds it funny!
(Mentions of gore) Once upon a time, there was a very brave but very arrogant man…
This man claimed he could survive anything. He survived falls from various heights, various guns, sharp objects and even acid.
One day, he declared he was going to survive a steamroller. So this brave man went in the roller's path…
He sadly died that day, but the most important thing was he proved that he had guts.
Three surgeons are talking about their favorite kinds of patients.
"My favorite patients are librarians." says the first surgeon. "They're easy to operate on because their organs are all in alphabetical order."
"My favorite patients are mathematicians." says the second surgeon. "They're easy to operate on because all their organs are numbered."
"My favorite patients are politicians." says the third surgeon. "They're the easiest to operate on because they have no guts, no brains, they're heartless and their heads and buttocks can easily be switched."
