Gut Jokes
49 gut jokes and hilarious gut puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about gut that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Gut Short Jokes
Short gut jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The gut humour may include short bowel jokes also.
- I was gutted today when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5 year old son wasn't actually mine... She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school...
- I was going to commit seppuku the other day. But I didn't have the guts to go through with it.
- I just don't get some people. I mean, you compliment on their mustache out of sheer politeness... ...and all of a sudden she hates your guts.
- It took guts to buy the new iPhone X Specifically, both my kidneys, my pancreas, and my large intestine.
- Please refrain from calling an expanded gut on a man Dad Bod … It is more accurately defined as a Father Figure.
- Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it wanted to show the other chickens that it had guts. (Courtesy of my daughter)
- A bug hit the windshield and my Grandma said: "I bet he won't have the guts to do that again!"
- My 9 year old daughter's joke Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He didn't have the guts. - A man was stabbed in the stomach in an alley... he was gonna punch him back, but he didn't have the guts.
- How can I invest in the Mexican airline industry? Call me crazy but once this wall goes up I've got a gut-feeling I think that's one industry that will really be taking off.
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Gut One Liners
Which gut one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with gut? I can suggest the ones about belly and mold.
- Any bug can hit a windshield.. But it takes some guts to stick.
- Mummy, Mummy, I hate daddy's guts Then push them to the side of your plate!
- A guy was found dead with ten stab wounds in his stomach. Somebody really hated his guts.
- I had to kill a fish today... I was fine about it but the fish was gutted.
- I want to tell a joke about skeletons for spooktober But I don't have the guts to do it
- I've got indigestion... Don't ask me how I know. Just a gut feeling i guess
- Why are skeletons always scared? Because they have no guts!
- TIL that the first condoms were made of fish intestines. So people had the guts to do it.
- A bug hit my windshield, I know the last thing that went trough its mind. His guts
- A mechanic falls onto his tools... It was a gut-wrenching experience.
- Don't be sad Because sad backwards is das, and das is nicht gut
- They say weightlifting can lead to disembowelment .. But I think it really shows guts
- My girlfriend asked me if she should buy probiotics I told her my gut feeling was no.
- You know what really takes guts? Digestion.
- How can women tell they're pregnant? It's a gut feeling
Rib-Tickling Gut Jokes that Bring Friends Together
What funny jokes about gut you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean stomach jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make gut pranks.
This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.
A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.
He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.
As he approached the line for the third time he said, "Look, if you don't let me unlock the d**... door you're never going to get in there!
I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8 am for seniors only.
A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.
He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.
As he approached the line for the third time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door you'll never get in there."
A wife finds her husband standing on the bathroom scale s**... in his gut
Wife laughing :you know that's not going to help.
Husband: yes it does. It's the only way I can see the numbers.
A woman pregnant with triplets gets shot 3 times in the gut.
They rush her to the hospital and everything turns out ok. The babies are all fine.
12 years later one of her daughters comes to her worried "mom mom mom i was peeing and a bullet came out!"
"Thats strange." Says the mom.
A few days after that her other daughter rushes up "MOM MOM MOM i was peeing and a bullet came out!"
"Thats really strange" says the mom.
A few more weeks pass without issue, then her son comes up to her "MOM MOM MOM" she cuts him off "let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out."
"NO! I WAS JACKING OFF AND I SHOT THE DOG!"
A nun is doing her rounds around town. . .
. . .when she turns the corner near a bar, only to collide with a mean-looking, stumbling drunk. The drunk flies into a rage, and punches her in the face. He then kicks her square in the gut, and begins to brutally pummel her head and face as she doubles over.
Within a minute, she is reduced to a quivering, sobbing mess on the sidewalk. The drunk spits on the nun, and sneers.
"Yeah. . .not so f**...' tough NOW, eh Batman?"
A husband was checking his weight on the scale and started s**... his gut in when his wife says "you know that doesn't change anything, right?" He replies "It does too!"
"Now I can see the numbers..."
An inspector, making his rounds, inspects an elementary school.
One teacher says to her class, "Treat him like you would the President of the United States." Sure enough, later that day, the inspector walks in to see how the lesson is doing. Just then, one of the students gets up, stomps over to the inspector, punches him in the gut, nicks his phone, and hides behind a curtain.
"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!" shouts the teacher.
The kid says, "Deleting Twitter."
Why do people with irritable bowel syndrome have a hard time making decisions?
They can't trust their gut
My wife told me there was something wrong with her intestines
I asked her how did she know?
She told me she didn't, it was just a gut feeling.
Before I was born, God asked if I wanted to be well-endowed.
A fat gut and man t**... wasn't what I had in mind.
What's good in German?
Gut.
What's bad in German?
Schlecht.
What's funny in German?
Nothing.
They say to always follow your gut
Your mom must be pretty intuitive, her gut is always 2 steps ahead of her
Did you hear about the surgeon who accidentally swapped his tools with the hospital handyman's?
His last surgery was gut wrenching.
One of Colin Mochrie's many gut busters.
Famous Irish hit-man Jimmy "Two Shoes" McClardy was arrested today, and confessed to the crime of beating a cow to death in a rice field, using only two small porcilean dolls. The police admit, this may be the first recorded instance of a knick knack p**... whack...
When did a gut feeling save your life?
When my appendix burst.
Why do the Sisters in a convent not trust their gut instincts?
It's usually just nunsense!
While weighting my self on the bathroom scale I s**... in my gut.
My wife laughed and said, "Do you think that helps you weigh less?"
I said, "No but it does help me to see how much I weigh."
Why was the serial killer intentionally bad at bowling?
He preferred to gut her.
My daily regime
My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.
I recently watched a plumber performing a gastric bypass surgery using his own tools.
I could hardly make it through the whole thing, it was gut wrenching.
A german once told me "never be sad"
"Because sad backwards is das, and das ist nicht gut"
When it comes to food...
It's best to listen to your gut.
Scientists recently found a type of gut bacteria that can survive in deep space...
They're now going to use them in a mission to colonize Mars.
An old woman calls the doctor, and ask him where's the heart, the doctor tells her that its next to the n**....
She came with a gut wound
A long time ago the turks invented the c**... by using the gut of a sheep
Many years later the English have revolutionised this concept by removing the gut from the sheep before using it as a c**...
How do German men like their women?
Gut 'n tight
Cop with a bulging gut stands in front of a kindergarten
Teacher approaches, "Are you expecting a child?"
He says, "No, it's beer."
A joke I made up from The Revenant
Why did Glass gut the horse?
He just wanted to fit in.
I put-off getting that colonscopy, but finally went through with it.
It was a real gut check for me.
