gun Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious gun stories

What are the best Gun puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Gun? Well here is a complete list of Gun dad jokes:

My boss: You're fired.

Me: *turns in gun and badge*



My boss: You're a waiter where did you get those

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Husband doing crossword with his wife

Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.

Wife: Never

H: Pistol, 3 letters.

W: Gun

H: Disgust, 3 letters.

W: Ugh

H: Charity, 4 letters.

W: Give

H: Female sheep, 3 letters

W: Ewe

H: Pixar movie, 2 letters

W: Up

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Give a man a gun and he'll rob a bank,

Give a man a bank and he'll rob the world.

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My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer, but I'm not impressed.

I've had a Canon printer for years.

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Guy walks into a bar with a gun and snarls who had sex with my wife!!!

A guy in the back replies

You don't have enough bullets

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Bank robber pulls out gun, points it at the teller...

Robber: "Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!'

Cashier (puzzled) "Did you mean to say "or you're history?"

Robber: "Don't change the subject."

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Bet on a bullet (slightly NSFW)

A man walks into a gun shop.

"I want to buy a new scope and bullets for my rifle"

"sure" said the owner handing over a scope "if you look out the window, this scope is so powerful you can see into my house"

The man looks, then turns to the shopkeeper and says "sorry mate there is a man in there and a woman who i can only assume is your wife?"

"cheating, bitch!" the shopkeeper said, putting two bullets on the counter he said "Shoot that guys prick off and you can have the scope for free, shoot that bitches' head off and I'll give you free bullets for the rest of your life"

The guy looks through the scope again and says "what do I get if I only use one shot?"

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The secret to a long life

A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.

The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

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A mugger

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this, I'm a United States Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

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Funniest joke of all time...according to Wikipedia...thought I share.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"[

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A blonde buys a gun.

A young blonde is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home early to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She pulls the gun from her purse and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

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A man was meeting a girlfriend somewhere...

And she said: "is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"
He replied: "Either way, we're having sex tonight"

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A gunman walks into a bar.....

A gunman walks into a bar....

Gunman: Who fucked my wife, show yourself so i can shoot you dead!

Random Voice: Doesn't look like you have enough bullets for that!

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IΒ΄m at the ATM when a robber holding his gun at my back...

He asks: do you want to see your family again?
I said "no".
We both had a good laugh.

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I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday, minding my own business...

...when a carload of gun toting, young and very loud tea partiers, shouting anti-Obama, anti-Muslim slogans, with a Gadsden flag duct taped on the trunk and a confederate flag taped to the hood, "All I need to know about Islam, I learned on 9/11" spray painted to the side, pulled up and stopped next to me.

Suddenly, they all yelled "YEEHAW" and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere, and 18 wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely, and killing everybody in it instantly.

For several long moments, I sat in shock. I thought "Damn, that could have been me".

So today, I woke up bright and early. I went out, and applied for a job as a truck driver.

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So a guy walks into a bar with a gun...

Who had sex with my wife!!?

A man shouts from the back, *you don't have enough bullets bro*!

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Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank

Give a man a bank and he can rob the world.

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The naked cowboy

**Naked Cowboy**

A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'
The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ......

I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants.... So I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town, cowboy.. '

'And here I am.'

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I shot someone with a starting gun.

I've been charged with race crimes

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Give a man a gun and he will rob a bank

Give a man a bank and he will rob everyone

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So an old lady's husband dies...

The old lady depressed and wants to kill herself goes to the doctor and asks him "Where is the heart located?" The doctor tells her it is under the left breast. The old lady goes to the gun store and buys a gun, goes home and puts the gun under her left breast and pulls the trigger. The old lady was soon admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to her left knee.

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A man runs into a sperm bank..

Mask on, gun out, he rushes up to the employee behind the counter puts the gun in her face and yells, "Give me all your money!!"

The woman replies, "But Sir, this is a sperm bank..."

The man yells, "Fuck! What's in that container?"

"A sperm sample..."

"DRINK IT!"

The woman complies and drinks the sample.

"How does it taste??" yells the man.

"What?"

"How does it taste!?"

"It's not that bad," replies the woman.

The robber lifts his mask to reveal that it is her husband and says, "See??"

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One of my favorite blonde jokes

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

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A little Johnny...

One day in math class little Johnny's teacher asked him to look out the window, where three birds were sitting on a fence. She then asks "Johnny, if I shoot one of those birds how many are left?" Johnny replies "None, they would all have flown away when they heard the gun shot." The teacher smiles and says "The correct answer was two, but I like the way you think."

Johnny looks at the teacher and says "I have a question for you." "There are three women in an ice cream shop and they all have an ice cream cone, one is licking it, one is biting it, and one is sucking it, which one is married?" The teach thinks about it a bit and says "The one sucking it." Johnny looks at her and say "The right answer was the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think."

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Woman:"Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just
happy to see me?"

Man: "Either way love, we'll be having sex in a minute"

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Sperm Bank

At a sperm bank one day, a man walks up with a ski mask and a gun. He points the gun at the lady at the desk.
"Sir.. this is a sperm bank.." says the lady.
"I know. Get out three bottles of sperm" he commanded.
So she obeys and takes out three bottles of frozen sperm.
"Drink it." says the man.

So she wincingly swallows each gulp until they're all empty. Disgusted she takes a look at the man as he takes off his ski mask and pockets his gun.

"See honey? It's not that hard."

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A guy was hunting...

.. when a very strong gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news. The good news is that you
are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very
little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done
to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer
you to my sister."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a
plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly answered the doctor.
"She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra.
She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

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Drug Store Robber

A man was in need of some quick cash, and so he decided to turn to thievery. He grabbed his gun and visited 5 different drug stores, stealing over 5,000 pills of Viagra. The next day, while preparing to sell the pills, the man's house was surrounded by police. With no place to go, the man decided to swallow the evidence. He is now facing 20 years of hard time.

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[NSFW] A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun...

He goes up to the nurse and demands she open the sperm bank vault.
She says "But sir, this is a sperm bank!"

"**Open it now!**" he shouts.

So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!"

She looks at him, puzzled. "Are you serious?!"

"***DO IT!!***" The man screams.
So the nurse sucks it back.

"That one there, drink that one as well." He says.

So the nurse drinks that one as well.

The man makes her drink two more, and as she finishes the fourth sample, the man takes off his ski mask and says,

"See honey - its not that hard."

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A man walks into a bank and approaches the counter.

He yells "This is a fuck-up!"

Confused the bank teller asks "Don't you mean stick-up?"

The man scuffs his shoes on the carpet and says "No, I've left my gun at home.

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Tough old cowboy advice

A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.
The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

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A man comes into his bedroom and sees his wife with his best friend in bed

The man quickly takes out his gun and shoots his best friend, killing him. The wife shouts - "If you continue with that attitude you are going to end up with no friends!"

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A man with a gun enters a bar...

..."Who had sex with my wife?" he snarled.

A muffled voice heard in the background said, "You don't have enough bullets for that mate."

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Panda

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. After he finishes eating the sandwich, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter, and then stands up to go. "Hey!" shouts the manager. "Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the manager and left the restaurant, "Hey man, I am a PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

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A panda walks into a restaurant

and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter.

As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't even pay for your sandwich!"

"Hey, man, I'm a PANDA!" the panda shouts back. "Look it up!

"The manager opens his dictionary and reads: "Panda: a tree-dwelling-mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white-coloring. Eats, shoots and leaves."

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A man goes into a bank...

...and proceeds to walk up to the nearest bank teller and pulls out a gun:

"Make one wrong move and you're geography!"

"Don't you mean history?" asks the teller

"Don't change the subject!"

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"Your dad cant hold a candle to what my daddy can do."

"Oh Ya, what does he do?"
"Makes gun powder."

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So a guy walks into a bank with a gun and walks up to the teller...

Bank Robber: Put all your money in this bag or you're geography!
Bank Teller: Don't you mean history?
Bank Robber: Hey! Don't try to change the subject!

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What did the man say when he couldn't get the gun to fire?

"Looks like I'm gonna have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual."

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"Is that a gun in your pocket or are you pleased to see me?" said my late wife.

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So a man gets pulled over for speeding...

The officer says " liscence and registration" the man says in response "But officer I.. I have a gun in my glove box" so the officer calls in his backup and the guy is sitting outside of his car when he says "I also have a body in the trunk" and then the cops have a detective come to file a report on this man and when the detective comes they start with the glove box and there's no gun, they now on to the trunk and there's no body and then the man says "and I bet he told you I was speeding too"

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My friend asked me why I carry my gun inside my house

I told him 'Decepticons.'
He laughed, I laughed, the toaster laughed.
So I shot the toaster.
It was a good day.

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My girlfriend asked me why i carry a gun around the house.

My girlfriend asked me last night why I carry a gun around the house, what am I afraid of? I looked her straight in the eye and said, "The motherfucking Decepticons." She laughed, I laughed, the toaster laughed, I shot the toaster, it was a good time.

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I like the way you think.

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

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A guy goes hunting...

A guy goes hunting. A gust of wind blew. The gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

*"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.."*

*"What's the bad news?"* asked the hunter.

*"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.*"

*"Well I guess that isn't too bad,"* the hunter replied. *"Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"*

*"Not exactly,"* answered the doctor.

*"She's a flute player in the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.."*

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A guy walks into a bar with a gun and yelled "Who slept with my wife?"

and in the background someone replied "You ain't got enough bullets."

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Two hunters out in the woods

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

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A quote from a WWII veteran...

If you see a group of soldiers but don't know where they're from fire a stray bullet in their direction and see how they react.

If they respond with precise rifle fire they're British.

If they respond with a frenzy of machine gun fire they're German.

If they try running away they're Italian.

If they throw their guns on the ground and surrender they're French.

If nothing happens at first but five minutes later the area you shot the bullet from is bombarded with airstrikes and mortars they're American.

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If Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, and Justin Bieber were in an elevator with me and I only had two bullets, I would...

..wonder why I didn't bring a fucking gun!

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The Answer Is Four (Teacher Joke)

Little Johnny was in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question…
Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?

None, replied Johnny. The rest would fly away.

Well, the answer is actually four, said the teacher. But I do like the way you're thinking.

Little Johnny quickly replies… Well, I have a question for you… Say you spot three women eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, the second is biting her cone and the third is sucking her cone. Which one of these women is married?

Well, says the teacher nervously, I guess I'd say the one sucking the cone.

No, says Little Johnny. The one with the wedding ring on her finger is married. But I like the way you're thinking.

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best gun jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about gun. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty gun gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these gun jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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