Gun Jokes
162 gun jokes and hilarious gun puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about gun that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking to inject a little humor into your next conversation? Check out this collection of gun jokes - from Top Gun puns to flirty references, old revolver-style gags and even a few NRA digs - all the way to funny jokes involving Nerf Guns and nail guns with bullets!
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Funniest Gun Short Jokes
Short gun jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The gun humour may include short revolver jokes also.
- My boss: You're fired. Me: *turns in gun and badge*
My boss: You're a waiter where did you get those - My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer, but I'm not impressed. I've had a Canon printer for years.
- My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house... I told her, "Fear of the CIA".
She laughed, I laughed, the amazon Echo laughed. I shot the Amazon Echo - My wife asked me why I carry around a gun in the house. And I answered, because of the decepticons!
She laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed, I shot Alexa.
It was a good time.
-
- - My friend was bragging his new 3D printer can print a gun. I wasn't impressed, I've had a Canon printer for years!
- Guns are like gum... Pull it out in class and everyone acts like you've been best friends since kindergarten.
- My teacher told me to tuck my shirt in. I said, "Why?"
"Because it *looks* like you've just had s**...," he said, zipping his trouser. - Most gun duels in the old west could have been prevented. If only the city planners had made towns big enough for everyone.
- What does Superman and a blood gang member who lost his gun have in common? Neither one of them want to see a Kryptonite...
- My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house. "To fight the Decepticons," I said.
She laughed. I laughed.
The toaster laughed.
I shot the toaster.
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Gun One Liners
Which gun one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with gun? I can suggest the ones about weapon and shoot.
- Give a man a gun and he'll rob a bank, Give a man a bank and he'll rob the world.
- Why do Americans fish with a gun? So they get the whole school.
- I buy my guns from a guy named T-Rex He's a small arms dealer.
- I have a T-Rex who sells me guns. He's a small arms dealer.
- My gun saved my life today. It misfired.
- I was cleaning one of my finger guns. I accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
- What do you call babies with guns? Infantry
- I still remember my grandfather's last words Don't point that gun at me you idiot
- I shot someone with a starting gun. I've been charged with race crimes
- Give a man a gun and he will rob a bank Give a man a bank and he will rob everyone
- I got a free iPad and iPhone today. It's like... this gun is magic!!!
- What is the worst thing you can say when someone points a gun at you? Oh, shoot!
- What is a chef's favorite gun? A-salt-rifle
I'll show myself out - Some people think guns are beautiful. I think tasers are stunning.
- I've never shot a gun because that would be a weird target
Old Gun Jokes
Here is a list of funny old gun jokes and even better old gun puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why are there no hand paintings from the old west? Because they could only draw guns.
- A mugger approaches an Irish man He points his gun and says, "Your money or your life!"
The Irishman replies, "Take me life. I'm saving me money for me old age." - From my 5 year old... What is another name for a nose?
A double-barrel snot gun. - Old Army Joke Two fish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, You man the gun, I'll drive.
- My friend is selling me some old French guns... Thieve never been used but they were dropped once.
- An old woman decided to kill herself. When she looked it up, it said "Place gun under left breast and fire." She was later admitted to the hospital with a GSW to the knee.
- WANTED: Good man, about 90 years old, half blind, deaf in one ear, bad leg, no teeth, good with a gun.. To watch my wife while I'm out hunting.
- My friend was in an old movie about guns It is now a Colt Classic
- I was there for her first drawing - happy old lady *camera zooms out onto little girl drawing on wall*
And I'll be there for her last
*lady slowly aims gun at little girl* - My old friend from school missed me And he's why we had a gun ban
Machine Gun Jokes
Here is a list of funny machine gun jokes and even better machine gun puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a man holding a machine gun? Sir
- What do you call a machine gun loaded with tranquilizers? A Snuzi
- What weighs 6 ounces, sits on a tree, and highly dangerous A sparrow with a machine gun
- What do you call a rapper skeleton Machine gun Skelly
- What do you get when you cross a vulture with a machine gun? As far away as possible.
*cough* shameful *cough* - I miss Sears:( Eminem and Machine Gun Kelly are feuding, and Colin Kaepernick is the new face of Nike. White people havent been this stressed since Sears closed.
- What did the priest say after he filled a man full of bullets from his machine gun? "Beholed"
- What do you call an elephant with a machine gun? Sir!
- How does a religious extremist convert an atheist into a holy man? They use a machine gun.
- 2018: Do you remember Machine Gun Kelly? 2019: ?
RIP
Top Gun Jokes
Here is a list of funny top gun jokes and even better top gun puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I just found out that Miles Teller, the actor in Top Gun,uses a stage name. His original name was Odometer.
- Most people don't realize that the actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun: Maverick... ...is the same actor who played Wilson in the 2000 movie "Castaway".
- I got arrested today for feeding the homeless guys on my street... And to top it off, the cops took away my potato gun.
- A woman walked into a bank and took off her top and pulled out a gun she stole thousands, shame no one could remember her face.
- Poor Hillary Clinton... I haven't seen someone hit a glass ceiling this hard since Goose from Top Gun
- I heard that Kelly McGillis won't be returning for Top Gun 2. Guess which other Top Gun actor won't have a cameo in the sequel? Goose.
- Top 5 life hacks to win a fist fight every time. 1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Bring a gun - I say, Top Gun is a school for pilots with special needs ... the need for speed.
- Official name of the Top Gun sequel has been announced The name is Bottom Gun
- What type of missiles were used in the Movie Top Gun? "Tom" Cruise Missiles.
Gun Control Jokes
Here is a list of funny gun control jokes and even better gun control puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- We need to have a conversation about gun control. Alright, shoot.
- What do you think Jesus's stance would be on guns? I think he would be most strict on nail gun control.
(Credit to Taylor on PKA) - Why do Democrats push for more gun control? Because they can't stop shooting themselves in the foot.
- What do you call a sentry gun that can't control its body? Tourrette
- Perfect solution to make the Right want gun control... Rename schools to uteruses so they'll care about kids dying there.
- There's generally 2 sides to any gun-control debate The Trigger-happy and the
T R I G G E R E D - Why don't Republican politicians introduce stricter gun control bills? Because it's easier for the NRA to write no changes. on the memo line of their donation cheques.
- Gun control is very similar to any Muslim It doesn't fly with me.
- I asked a Republican about gun control... He said, "It's bad to politicize today's tragedy! It's too soon to discuss last week's tragedy. It's a bit late to discuss last month's tragedy."
- I believe in gun control... ...as long as it's with two hands.
Rib-Tickling Gun Jokes that Bring Friends Together
What funny jokes about gun you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean top gun jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make gun pranks.
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.
Wife: Never
H: p**..., 3 letters.
W: Gun
H: Disgust, 3 letters.
W: Ugh
H: Charity, 4 letters.
W: Give
H: Female sheep, 3 letters
W: Ewe
H: Pixar movie, 2 letters
W: Up
You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. Terry?! you say laughing, Terry's a girls name! Without any hesitation, Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead.
You have died of dissin' Terry :(
Guy walks into a bar with a gun and snarls who had s**... with my wife!!!
A guy in the back replies
You don't have enough bullets
Husband doing crossword with wife..
Husband : emphatic no, five letters
Wife : never
H : p**..., three letters
W : gun
H : disgust, three letters
W : ugh
H : charity, four letters
W : give
H : female sheep, three letters
W : ewe
H : Pixar movie, two letters
W : Up
A very religious man went on a safari
When he was there, he found a huge lion. The man didn't have a gun and there was no way he could outrun the lion. So, he did the only thing he could do. He got on his knees and prayed "Dear God, I was always a good Christian. Will you perform a miracle and give this lion some christian feelings".
That moment, the clouds parted and a beam of light came from above and touched the lion's heart. The lion raised his paws to the heavens and loudly prayed "Thank you Lord for this meal I'm about to receive."
PS: it was a beam of light.
PPS: 12 700 upvotes and 17 awards. Thank you so much. I haven't been this happy since Xmas.
Pregnant girlfriend
Guy: Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant, but we always use protection, and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?
Doctor: Let me tell you a story: There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. To scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!
Guy: Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion.
Doctor: Good! You understood the story. Next patient please.
A joke I heard while working in China a few years ago
A Chinese state-owned container ship is highjacked by pirates. A Chinese Communist Party official is sent to negotiate.
The pirates' leader, waving his gun, shouted: the ransom is TEN MILLION dollars! Or everyone on the ship will die!
The official responded, calmly: I will give you twenty million, but you'll write me a receipt of forty million.
A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D.
Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job.
Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."
Guy replies "Why the rabbit?"
Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"
You meet a man on the Oregon trail...
You meet a man on the Oregon trail that tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and tell him that Terry is a girls' name. Without hesitation Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead. You have died of dissin Terry.
Bank robber pulls out gun, points it at the teller...
Robber: "Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!'
Cashier (puzzled) "Did you mean to say "or you're history?"
Robber: "Don't change the subject."
Trumpets and Guns
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns.
One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"
"What do you mean strange?"
"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"
"So?"
"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"
"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
What does "Secure the Building" mean to veterans?
If you're a veteran, I can tell what branch of the military you were in based on how you understand the phrase "secure the building."
If you were a Marine you think it means to hit the building with mortar and machine gun fire.
If you were in the Army you think it means to go from room to room clearing them of enemy combatants.
If you were in the Navy it means to turn out all the lights and lock the door.
If you were in the Air Force it means to take out a five year lease with an option to buy.
100m Dash
A girl says to her friend "The last time I had s**... was like the 100 meter dash"
Her friend says "What, over in 6 seconds?"
"No, with 8 black men and a gun."
A shy cowboy goes into a bar
*this is an old one but I'll give it a try*
...so he sees a nice looking c**... sitting on a bar stool. He doesn't know how to approach her so he just takes a seat somewhere else. After a while he gets an idea. He gets up, pulls out his gun, and shoots and kills everyone in the room, but her. He goes to her and says: "Now what is a nice-looking lady like yourself doing here all alone?"
A girl I know said the last time she had s**..., it was like the men's Olympic 100m finals
I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?"
"No," she said,
"Eight black men and a gun."
The secret to a long life
A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.
The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
A man runs into a bank, pulls out a gun and robs the teller. He then turns the gun on the on the first man standing in the tellers line and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man stammered, "Yes."
Bang! The robber shoots him.
He then turns the gun on the married couple next in line, points the gun at the husband and demands, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The husband quickly responds, "No....but my wife did!"
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the m**... of Juan Gonzalez.
How was he killed asked one detective. With a golf gun. Replied the second detective.
A golf gun? What's a golf gun?
I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan
My last time having s**... was like the 100m dash
There were 8 black guys and a gun
I always wondered why gun barrels tasted salty
Until I realized I'm always crying when I put one in my mouth
A mugger
Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this, I'm a United States Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."
A cop is confronted by a white guy with a gun and a black guy with a nerf bat. Who does he shoot first?
The bystander with the camera.
A cowboy sees a bunch of American Indians on the horizon and thinks: ''I'm f**......'', but a voice in the back of his head says: ''Not so fast! Kill the chief!!!''
''What?! Why?'' - thinks the cowboy.
''Just kill the chief!'' - says the voice.
The cowboy hesitated a bit more and than drew his gun and shot the chief.
As the chief was falling from his horse the voice in the cowboy's head said: ''*Now* you're f**......''
Funniest joke of all time...according to Wikipedia...thought I share.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"[
A man applies for a job with the local police.
The officer says, "This is the best résumé I've ever seen! There's just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot eight black guys and a cat."
Guy replies "Why the cat?"
Officer says "Great attitude, you're hired!"
An angry man with a gun walks into a bar and yells WHO HAD s**... WITH MY WIFE
A man sitting in the corner replies,
You won't have enough bullets
A blonde buys a gun.
A young blonde is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home early to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She pulls the gun from her purse and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
Give a man a gun, he'll rob a bank
Teach a man to run a bank, he'll rob the American people.
A man was meeting a girlfriend somewhere...
And she said: "is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"
He replied: "Either way, we're having s**... tonight"
A panda walks into a bar...
And eats some beer nuts, he then pulls out a gun fires it in the air heads for the door. "Hey!" shouts the bartender and the panda yells back "I'm a panda google me" and sure enough 'panda: a tree climbing mammal with distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.'
I´m at the ATM when a robber holding his gun at my back...
He asks: do you want to see your family again?
I said "no".
We both had a good laugh.
the new maid
A man hires a new maid and calls home to speak to his wife. The maid picks up.
"Is this the maid"
"Yes"
"Well may I speak to my wife?"
"Well....she's in bed with a man"
The husband is furious and tells the maid "I want you to go into my desk, get my gun, and shoot the both of them"
The husband hears the gunshots and the maid returns to the phone, telling him she shot both of them.
The husband says, "Now I want you to take both bodies and throw them into the pool"
The maid says, "What pool???"
The husband says, "Is this 387-6476?"
A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says Make me one with everything .
The hot dog vendor hands over the sausage and bun with all the trimmings, and the Buddhist hands over a twenty. The vendor pockets it.
The Buddhist asks Where's my change? and the vendor replies change must come from within .
A gun then extends from the Buddhist's chest and he asks again.
The vendor says Whoa, man, where did that come from?
The Buddhist replies This is my inner piece .
So a guy walks into a bar with a gun...
Who had s**... with my wife!!?
A man shouts from the back, *you don't have enough bullets bro*!
What do gun owners and vegans have in common?
They're both in your face about how they're not murderers.
A man with a gun walks in to a bar...
He unholsters the weapon and waves it in the air, shouting, "I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with 7 rounds in the magazine and one in the chamber, and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife!"
A voice from the back shouts, "you're gonna need more ammo!"
My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house
I said decepticons.
She laughed, I laughed, my microwave laughed.
I shot the microwave.
After an attempted mugging, I started to carry a gun around with me
Now my muggings are more successful.
My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.
They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."
Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.
Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.
Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and doors.
Tell an airman and he will take out a lease with an option to buy.
So I was doing crossword with my girlfriend,
Me: Emphatic no, five letters.
She: **Never**
Me: p**..., 3 letters.
She: **Gun**
Me: Disgust, 3 letters.
She: **Ugh**
Me: Charity, 4 letters.
She: **Give**
Me: Female sheep, 3 letters
She: **Ewe**
Me: Pixar movie, 2 letters
She: **Up**
McDonald's will give you a free combo meal...
McDonald's will give you a free combo meal and £127.38 if you go to the Drive Thru dressed as a clown.
With a gun.
It's like my uncle always said: "The day I can't do my job drunk..."
"...is the day I hand in my badge and gun."
My friend claims he can print a Gun using his 3D Printer. I'm not impressed.
I've had a Canon printer for years.
In WW2 you could identify which nationality your opponent was from by observing their behaviors
If they respond to threats with precise rifle shots, they're British
If they respond with heavy machine gun fire, they're German
If they retreat, they're French
If they switch to your side, they're Italian
If they apologize, they're Canadian
If nothing happens for a few minutes then suddenly your camp is leveled to the ground, they're American
Last time I had s**..., it felt like the 100m Olympic final.
There were 8 black men and a gun.
Today I gave an iPhone and $500 to a homeless guy.
You will never know the happiness I felt when he put his gun away.
So an old lady's husband dies...
The old lady depressed and wants to kill herself goes to the doctor and asks him "Where is the heart located?" The doctor tells her it is under the left breast. The old lady goes to the gun store and buys a gun, goes home and puts the gun under her left breast and pulls the trigger. The old lady was soon admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to her left knee.
A Man walked into a bar with a gun
The man - Which one of you F*cked my wife?!
Random guy in the bar - YOU DON'T HAVE THAT MANY BULLETS!
Holding a gun to his teacher, the student demanded, "Tell me the square root of -2!"
The teacher begged, "Please, let's be rational here."
Two men are out hunting when one of them suddenly drops dead
Two men are out hunting when one of them suddenly drops dead. He calls 911 immediately. The operator says "Can I help you sir?"
The man replies "I think my friend is dead! Get an ambulance! What should I do?"
The operator replies "Okay, calm down sir. First we have to make sure he is dead."
There is silence, then a gun shot, then the man comes back on "Okay, what now?"
I always keep a gun on my night stand in case of an intruder
so I can shoot myself instead of meeting new people
I hate it when I'm at someone's house and they keep asking s**... questions like...
"Who are you?" and "Is that a gun?"
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
A guy applies for a job with the Chicago Police Department
He has an impressive resume, gives the best answers to the interview questions, and is very enthusiastic about the job.
"Your qualifications are impressive" says the police chief. "Here's the final test. Take this gun, go out, and shoot ten black guys and a clown?"
The man asks, "why the clown?"
The police chief replies, "Fantastic attitude, you're hired!"
Went and got my first gun yesterday
Went and got a 9mm p**... I go to pay for the gun and the cashier says s**... down facing me
Realizing this is probably because of gun wackos I did as she instructed
When the shrieking from customers and alarms stopped I realized the cashier was referring to how I should swipe my credit card
I want a gun that shoots wooden benches.
I'd walk into a church with no seating and be like: *pew pew pew. pew pew. pew pew pew*
My wife asked my why i carry a gun in the house.
I looked at her and said "Decepticons". She laughed, i laughed, the toaster laughed, i shot the toaster. It was a good time.
The first time I asked a woman to sleep with me my hands were shaking and I was sweating uncontrollably
I'd never pointed a gun at anyone before
Two hunters are out in the woods when one collapses...
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "I think my friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
Woman:"Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just
happy to see me?"
Man: "Either way love, we'll be having s**... in a minute"
s**... Bank
At a s**... bank one day, a man walks up with a ski mask and a gun. He points the gun at the lady at the desk.
"Sir.. this is a s**... bank.." says the lady.
"I know. Get out three bottles of s**..." he commanded.
So she obeys and takes out three bottles of frozen s**....
"Drink it." says the man.
So she wincingly swallows each gulp until they're all empty. Disgusted she takes a look at the man as he takes off his ski mask and pockets his gun.
"See honey? It's not that hard."
Jesus's favorite gun
My uncle is a member of the NRA. He came over for the Christmas dinner wearing a shirt with Jesus on it. I noticed his shirt and complimented it.
He then took his jacket off and showed me the back. On it, Jesus was holding a PK in one hand and an AK-47 on the other. Above it was text that reads "What would Jesus shoot?" That question was a no brainer. I answered "a nail gun."
I don't know why he got mad. Jesus was a carpenter.
At the 3rd grade violin rehearsal ...
... Donnie Corleone Jr. walks in, opens his violin case and unveils, to the shock of all, a tommy gun. The teachers are livid, panic nearly ensues, but Donnie just starts laughing uncontrollably.
"What's wrong with you? This is serious! Why are you laughing?"
"Because I just imagined dad holding up the bank with my violin."
A husband is doing crosswords with his wife.
**Husband:** Emphatic no; five letters.
**Wife:** Never.
**H:** p**...; three letters.
**W:** Gun.
**H:** Disgust; three letters.
**W:** Ugh.
**H:** Charity; four letters.
**W:** Give.
**H:** Female sheep; three letters.
**W:** Ewe.
**H:** Pixar movie; two letters.
**W:** Up.
A man walks into a bank and approaches the counter.
He yells "This is a f**...-up!"
Confused the bank teller asks "Don't you mean stick-up?"
The man scuffs his shoes on the carpet and says "No, I've left my gun at home.
