Gum Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

What is the difference between a teacher and a train?

A teacher says "Spit out the gum!"
A train says "Chew! Chew!"

Ye, courtesy of my 8 year old daughter.

What flavor gum does the President prefer?

Governmint

Ill walk myself to the nearest border

What's the difference between a teacher and a train?

One says, "Spit out your gum!"
The other goes, "Choo Choo Choo"

How to get gum out of a child's hair?

With leukemia.

I'm thinking about starting a business that recycles discarded chewing gum...

I just need help getting it off the ground.

My teacher said, "Are you chewing gum?"

I said, "Do I look like chewing gum to you?"

May I have a piece of gum?

Two gay guys are in a large passenger plane flying across the Pacific. In the middle of the flight, one turns and tells his partner: "Let's have sex. Right here and now." His partner says: "Are you crazy? In front of all these people?" The first gay guy says: "Don't worry. They're all asleep. Here, see for yourself." He leans out into the aisle and yells: "Excuse me, can anybody let me have a piece of gum?" There's no answer or any kind of interest. His partner is convinced and they have sex right then and there.

The plane lands and as the passengers are disembarking there is a stewardess by the exit asking everyone if they had a good flight. One man says, "The flight was fine but I have a horrible headache". The stewardess says: "Oh you poor thing, why didn't you ask for some aspirin?" And the man says: "Are you kidding? I saw what happened to that poor guy who asked for a piece of gum."

A man walks into a barber shop for a shave.

While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

I'm trying out a new idea for using gum that's lost its flavor.

Right now, it's just an ex-spearmint.

(Sorry)

A koala bear is smoking a joint...

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint, When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?' The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.' So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?' The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink... The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!' So the koala looked down at him and said, 'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude... How much water did you drink!?'

A student brings a slingshot to algebra class and fires gum at the professor

It was a weapon of math disruption.

An Australian joke...

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,

'Hey you!'

The koala looked down at him and said,

'FUCK ME! How much water did you drink!?'

The redhead mom, the brunette mom, and the blonde mom.

There are three moms. A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde.
They were all talking one day and the brunette says "Oh my gosh y'all I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed."
They comfort her, and the redhead says "Yeah, well I found a fake I. D. In my daughter's purse. I cannot believe she has one". So they all comfort her.
Then the blonde says "That's nothing. I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis"

A man and his wife doing 69 and when they finish up he realises he still has to go to the dentist.

He then dashes to the bathroom to go and brush his teeth, constantly smelling his breath to make sure his breath doesn't smell like his wife's pussy. He eats some chewing gum and even takes mints with him. He arrives at the dentist and eats some more mints just to make sure.

He's finally called in and the dentist has him lying down on the chair, asks him to open his mouth wide. As he leans in to work, the dentist says, damn, have you being doing the 69 before you came in?
The man replied, how did you know? Is my breath stinking of pussy?
The dentist said, no, you have a skid mark on your forehead.

What is the easiest way to get chewing gum out of your hair?

Cancer.

An Australian man was having coffee...

and toast with butter and jam in a cafe, when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Australian politely ignored the American who, nevertheless, started up a conversation. The American snapped the gum in his mouth and said, 'Do you Australian folk eat the whole bread?'

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "yeah, of course."

The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia."

The American had a smirk on his face, the Australian listened in silence. The American persisted, "D'ya eat jam with the bread?" Sighing, the Australian replied "yes."

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, we put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell it to Australia.

The Australian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?" The American smiled and said, "yeah, of course we do." The Australian leant closer to him and asked, "what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

"We throw them away of course" replied the American.
Now it was the Australian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Australia, we put them in containers, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to The United States.

What's pink and hard when it goes in, and soft and wet when it comes out?

Bubble gum.

What flavor gum does a scientist prefer?

Exspearamint.

inspired by the presidential gum joke.

What do redneck fathers like to chew on?

Dad gum

I came here to kick ass and chew gum...

And I've got new, longer-lasting Stride, so we'll be here for a while.

Strange joke I just remembered from my childhood

I'm sure this is familiar to some of you. Feel free to relate a better version. I just remembered this, and I'm not sure if I have it right, or where I learned it, or even if it's very funny, hah.

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One day a man with a speech impediment walked into a store. "I would like to buy some bum," he said.

"Excuse me?" said the cashier.

"I would like some bum, please," said the man, pointing to gum.

"Oh, the gum! Sure thing," said the cashier, ringing him up.

Then the man walked down the street to a hardware store.

"I would like a fuck-it," please," he said.

"A what?" asked the cashier, surprised.

"A fuck-it, you know. To hold water."

"Oh, a bucket. Of course," said the cashier, checking him out.

Then the man went to a pet store.

"I want a cock and spank it," he said

"What did you say?" asked the cashier, visibly offended.

"A cock and spank it." He pointed to a cockerspaniel in a crate.

"Oh, a cockerspaniel? Certainly!"

He bought the cockerspaniel and left the store. But as soon as stepped outside, the dog slipped out of its leash and ran off. The man turned to the nearest stranger and said, "Will you hold my bum and fuck it while I chase my cock and spank it?"

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Typing this out, it's even worse than it was in my head, because the words are spelled out and it's stupid. Ehh what are you gonna do.

So we all know about Gandhi right?

Well Gandhi as well know was a very important person who in recent times has taken on a mystic quality to some. He often fasted for long periods of time making him rather weak and fragile, he went barefoot for long periods of time and so it's fair to assume he built up lots and lots of callouses and he was reported at one point to have very bad breath because of a gum disease. This all means he was a...

Super Calloused Fragile Mystic Hexed By Halitosis

Barber's Joke today

A man enters a barbershop for a shave.
While the barber gets him lathered, he mentions he can't get a close shave on his cheeks.

"I have just the thing" the barber takes a small wooden ball from a small drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum"
The customer places the ball in his cheek and gets the closest shave he has ever experienced.

After the shave, the customer asks in garbled speech "what if I swallow it?" "Not a problem" says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else"

When I was a kid I could go to a corner store with a $1 and get 2 cokes, 1 kitkat and a gum

Nowadays there are CCTV cameras everywhere

Everyday a man named Jack would chew and swallow three whole packs of bubble gum.

Finally his concerned coworkers asked, "Jack, whats the deal with chewing and swallowing all this bubble gum?"

Jack responded by saying, "I don't know... It just helps me keep my shit together."


My son got sent home from school today for chewing gum in class.

I had to phone the teacher and explain to her that he's only trying to give up smoking.

What goes in hard and dry and comes out soft and wet?

Chewing gum.

What kind of gum do bees chew?

BUMBLEGUM.

Five year olds think it's hilarious. I do not.

What is pink, hard when it goes in, soft when it comes out, dry when it goes in, and wet when it comes out?

Bubble gum. Got this joke from a high school science teacher, one of the weird ones.

What is a train's favourite food? Gum.

*chew* *chew*

What is hard when it goes in and soft and sticky when it comes out?

A chewing gum

A young bloke working in the mines...

A young bloke working in the mines in the Pilbara goes to see the onsite doctor with a little problem.

The doctor asks, "What's the trouble, son?"

The young bloke says, "Doc, I've got this weird lump under my foreskin."

"Right," says the doctor, "whip it out and let's have a look."

The young bloke does as instructed. The doctor begins to roll back the foreskin when he discovers a lump of chewing gum stuck there.

"What the hell is this?" growls the doctor.

"Oh," says the young bloke with relief, "that's where I left it! I put it there for safe keeping because I don't have any pockets in my shorts and it's too hot to wear a shirt underground."

Thoroughly disgusted, the doctor decides to examine the foreskin a little further when he discovers another lump of chewing gum just millimetres behind the first one.

"What the bloody hell is this?!" he roars.

"Oh, that's me best mate's chewing gum. He's Jewish......."

I went to the store today to buy some coconuts.

And a pack of gum, so it wouldn't be weird.

How does a train driver operate a train while eating gum?

He goes chew chew chew...


creds to my 5yo brother

What kind of gum do astronauts chew?

Hubble Bubble

So a pirate captain walked into my candy shop the other day...

And he asks me for a gumdrop. I say to him "Why would you want gum that's been dropped?"

"Sir," I say, "Wouldn't you rather have a candy fish?"

He says, "Candy fish? Is it sweet?"

And I say "Well... it's Swedish."

So now, the captain is so angry that he makes we walk the plank and I shout "Don't you think you're going a little overboard?!" And the pirate says, "No, *you* are!"

Before I jump, I ask him, "Can I just have one last mug of rootbeer?" And he says, "That would be fine." So I take the mug and jump... and you know? I would've drowned if it weren't for one thing...

>Rootbeer floats!<

I want some gum

Got any spare-mint?

At least she didn't say swallow.

What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
One says: "Spit your gum out." the other says:
"Chew Chew."

/Badum cshhhh

I have an unopened pack of gum from 1993

You could even say it's in...

..mint condition

What's a scientist's favorite gum flavor?

.......Ex-*spearmint*.

I'm looking to start up my own business, recycling discarded chewing gum...

I just need help getting it off the ground...

So apparently the new fashion trend of the day is to stick chewed gum in your hair

It's a unique look but it's hard to pull off.

Well, I wouldn't say the easiest.

What's the easiest way to get gum out of your hair?


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Cancer

What goes in hard but comes soft and wet?

Gum

Why are the streets of North Korea so clean?

Because your life is worth more then a gum wrapper!

What's the most effective way to remove a sticky chewing gum from your hair ?

Cancer.

"I'd like to return this gum, it tastes awful"

"Um, sir, those are bandaids."

"I'd like to return these bandaids. I think someone ate some."

Nuns see a naked man statue in the park!

So the man is about to have sex with his lady, he's naked and ready to go, when his lady says she has to have bubblegum. So he runs out butt-naked thru the park at night to the store, buys the gum, and is headed back thru the park when he sees three nuns coming. So he just stands on the side of the walkway like a statue, thinking the nuns will just walk on by. Well, the first nun walks up and says, "Look a vending machine!", and pulls on the handle. The man opens his left hand and she says, "I got gum!". The second nun pulls the handle, the man opens his right hand, and she says, "I got change!". The third nun pulls on the handle and says, "I GOT HANDCREAM!!!".
(this is an old joke I heard a long time ago, I don't know its origin or author, I just thought I would share.) ~Skip

A couple were french kissing

A couple were french kissing, then the guy looks at the girl and says " I think I swallowed your gum"
Nah, says the girl, I just have a cold.

What do designers of gum call new flavors from old ingredients?

ex-spearmints

An elementary school student gets gum stuck in his hair...

So the nurse takes him to the science teacher and say "Can you get the gum out of his hair?"

The science teacher responds "Of course, its just a matter of having the right solvent."

An hour later the nurse asks the science teacher "Have any luck?"

The science teacher responds "Yes, here's the gum back."

Earth went around the solar system asking the other planets for a stick of gum.

They all refused, but Earth still got one; Pluto shares its Orbit.

What's the difference between a train and a teacher?

A train goes choo choo and a teacher says, Spit that gum out!





Hat tip to my nine year old niece, who has better jokes than I do.

Back in the days a dollar could get me...

A pack of gum, some candy, 2 sodas, 4 pack of chips. Today..well the got cameras everywhere.

A man goes to a barber for a shave

While the barber is lathering him up, the man admits to having a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks.


''Here, try this'', says the barber, pulling a small wooden ball from a drawer. '' Place the ball between your right cheek and gum and I'll show you how close a shave can be.''


The man does so and the barber shaves away.


''Wow,'' exclaims the man, ''that is great!'' He then asks with a muffled voice, ''What happens if I accidentally swallow the ball?''


''No problems,'' replies the barber. ''Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else.''

a french girl married a texas guy..

After a while together, she is complaining:
- listen, John, when you kiss me with a chewing gum in your mouth, I can live with that, when you make love to me with your boots and hat on - i can bear with it, but please take your cigar out when we do 69!

Waiting in line

A woman is checking out at the grocery store. She buys a dozen eggs, two boxes of pasta, waffles, a bag of onions, lunch meat, oatmeal, sparkling water and throws on a pack of gum at the register.

The man behind her says "you must be single"

"Why yes I am! Did you figure this out by noticing all the stuff I bought?"

"Nope, it's because you are ugly!"

My girlfriend

My girlfriend was crying because she had gum in her hair.

I told her to cut it out.

Jeffrey Dahmer didn't like Tic Tacs or gum.

He preferred men toes.

A man named Joe came into my store wearing a Jimi Hendrix t-shirt. He started to leave, and I noticed he had some Dubble Bubble he hadn't paid for.

"Hey Joe, where you going with that gum in your hand?"

Three Guys Are Getting Ready For Their Dates

The first guy pops a breath mint for his date so his breath smells good. Then the second guy starts chewing some gum so his breath smells good. Then the last guy starts eating onions and garlic. The others say "Don't you want to have nice smelling breath for your date?"
"Nah" he says, "The lips I'm kissing tonight already stink."

Why does Bill Clinton chew gum all the time?

He has an oral fixation.

I go in hard, come out soft, and you blow me hard. What am I?

Bubble Gum

I'm selling a piece of gum

It's in mint condition

*rim shot*

What are the funniest gum jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Gum? Well, here are the best Gum puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Gum pick up lines to share with friends.

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