guinness Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious guinness puns

Four CEOs of beer companies are having a meeting and they decide to get a drink.

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The three CEOS then ask him, why aren't you ordering a Guinness?

He replies: "If you guys aren't drinking beer than neither will I."

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An Irish man frees a genie

and happy to be released from his confinement, the genie grants him 3 wishes.

The Irishman thinks about it, and says "I want me a pint of Guinness that is never empty."

So *poof* a pint appears, filled to the rim with the rich brown drink. The man drinks it down, and when he places it back on the bar, it's filled up again.

"So, what would you like for your other two wishes, sir?"

"I want two more of these, then!"

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My penis just entered the Guinness Book of World Records!

Then the librarian caught me.

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the head brewmasters of Budweiser, Miller, and Guinness walk into a bar..

the brewmaster of Budweiser orders first and proudly asks for the most popular brew in America, a Bud Light.

the brewmaster of Miller smiles and asks for a true original, a Miller Lite.

the brewmaster of Guinness winces and orders a Diet Coke.

"a Diet Coke?!," exclaim the others.. "don't you drink Guinness?"

"well shit no one else was having beer I didn't want to be the only one," he complained.

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I'll have you know that my penis was once in the guinness book of world records...

But then the librarian yelled at me and made me leave the library.

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the heads of Coors, Budweiser and Guinness go to lunch.

So, the heads of Coors, Budweiser and Guinness are all sitting in a restaurant. When the waitress comes over she takes their drinks order first

- 'Ill have a silver bullet' says the Coors guy
- 'Ill have the king of beers' says the Budweiser guy
- 'Lemonade please' says the head of Guinness

The other two look at him ... 'Lemonade?'

'Well if you're not drinking beer neither am I'

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My penis used to be in the Guinness Book of World Records

until the librarian told me to take it out.

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My dick was once in the Guinness book of World Records.

Then the librarian told me to take it out.

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I have you know that my penis was once in the Guinness book of world records...

but then the librarian yelled and told me to leave the library.

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My dick was in the Guinness World Records Book

Then they kicked me out of the library.

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Arthur Guinness

The leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a bud, the Ceo of Miller gets a Miller, the head of coors orders a coors, and so on. Until it's Arthur Guinness's turn, he orders a soda. "Why didn't you order a Guinness?" everyone asks. "Nah" Guinness replies. If you guys aren't having a beer,then neither will I.

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My neighbor's in the guinness book of records.

He's had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me, in fact it's just a stone's throw away.

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One Guinness please

"Ma'am, I'd like to order a Guiness."

"You must be Irish."

"Oh, so ordering a Guiness makes me Irish? If I ordered a Pizza, would you assume I'm Italian?"

"I didn't..."

"And if I ordered a Bratwurst, would that make me German?"

"No, but..."

"So why exactly do you think I'm Irish then?"

"Sir, this is a book store."

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My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records...

... until the librarian kicked me out.

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Irishman in confession

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."

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My dick was in the Guinness world records book

Until the librarian threw me out.

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I had a 7 course Irish dinner last night

A 6 pack of Guinness and a potato

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My dick was in the Guinness book of records!

Until the librarian asked me to take it out.

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My dick was in the Guinness World Record's Book...

...When the librarian caught me.

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My dick was in the Guinness Book of World Records

until the librarian made me take it out.

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My cock was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records once...

But it really pissed off the librarian and she kicked me out!

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A man emptied a punching bag of its content and filled it with Guinness books.

He then proceded to beat all records.

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My dick was in the Guinness book of records...

Until the librarian throw me out.

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A Chinese man walks into a bar.

He goes up to the bartender and asks for a pint of Guinness.

The barman says "No I'm sorry buddy, I can't serve you."

"Why is it because I'm Chinese?!!" he says.

The barman says, "No, you're too young."

The Chinese man looks baffled...

"How do you know my name?"

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My neighbour is in the Guinness book of world records.

He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone's throw away, in fact.

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So my penis used to be in the Guinness book of world records

I'm not allowed in Barnes and Noble anymore

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Chris Pratt, Jesus, and Hitler are sitting in a bar...

Jesus, Chris Pratt, and Hitler are sitting at a bar drinkin' a few brews.

Jesus says, "Hey we should all try and get in the Guinness Book of World Records!"

To which Chris Pratt replies, "Yeah, I bet I could get in it for most loved person in history."

Jesus then says, "and I bet I could get it for most followed person in history."

Hitler raises his beer and proclaims, "and I could get the record for the worst person in history!"

So the three gentlemen make their way to the Guinness head quarters where they are put to the test.

First Chris Pratt goes into the record-recognizer room and walks out with a big smile shouting, "Yes! Yes! I did it! I'm a world record holder!"

Next, Jesus walks in and then five minutes later comes out smiling as well shouting, "Woohoo! I did it, I'm the most followed man ever!"

Finally Hitler walks in and then five minutes later comes out fΓΌhrerious and yells, "Who the fuck is Ellen Pao?"

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Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"



"Well, Brenda... No. In fact, He got out three times to pee"

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My favorite joke, and very easy to personalize.

Three guys are on a casual walk one day when they pass by The Guinness Book of World Records corporate office. All three of them have the same idea. "It would be awesome to hold a world record for something!"

So the first guy says, "I have big hands, I bet I have the worlds largest hands." He goes in and comes out a few minutes later with a plaque for the worlds largest hands.

The next guy says, "I bet I have the worlds largest feet." And then he goes in and comes out smiling with a plaque for the worlds largest feet.

Finally, the last guy says, "I bet I have the worlds smallest penis." So he goes in the the office and comes out a few minutes later with a dejected look on his face. The guy with the biggest hands says, "what happened? I thought you for sure had the smallest penis."

The guy replies, "I don't know. Who the fuck is (put in friends name)?"

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A Guy walks in an Irish Pub

I guy on vacation in Ireland walks into a pub and says
"I hear you Irish can drink, I'll give a thousand bucks
to the guy who can drink 10 pints of Guinness in under 5 minutes"
Everyone is quiet but one of the Irishmen gets up and leaves.
In a few minutes the Irishmen walks back in and says
"Line me up 10 pints of Guinness" and he drinks them in 4 minutes flat.
As the guy is paying him the $1000 he asks the Irishmen
"If ya dont mind me askin, when you left earlier, where'd ya go"
The Irishmen says "I had to go to the pub next door
cuz I wanted to make sure I could do it"

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An Irishman's First Drink With His Son

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back to the time I took my son out for his first drink.
Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it - so I drank it.
Then I got him an Old Style. He didn't like it either, so I drank it.
It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.
By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey . . .
I could hardly push his stroller back home.

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DRINKING BUDDIES

Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City and both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and asks, "So where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland."
"Me too! I'll drink to that."
They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin."
"Me too! I'll drink to that."
They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where in Dublin are you from?"
"The East Side."
"The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I'll drink to that!"
They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where on the East Side are you from?"
"McDonagh Street."
"Me too! This is incredible! I'll drink to that."
As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, "That's amazing! I can't believe they're from the same street in Dublin. What's going on?"
"Oh, it's nothing amazing," says the bartender."It's just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again."

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Irishman and a Texan

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good? , asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone? .

The Irishman replies, Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first .

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I found myself in a pub in Cork, Ireland.

A group of American tourists came in.

One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."

The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving. No one took up the bet.

40 minutes later, the Irishman who left returned and said, "Hey Yank, is yer bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American, "20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000 ."
"Grand, " replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."

It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.

OK Yank, pay up." said the Irishman.

"I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?'

"Well sir", replied the Irishman, "$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it.

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The Guinness Brewery

Mary O'Malley was waiting at home for her husband to come home from work at the Guinness brewery. While she was putting the finishing touches on dinner, she hears a knock on the door. Mary goes to the door to find her husband's friend/coworker, Seamus, on the other side.

"Oh, Seamus! Come in, come in! Please, make yourself at home, I'm just waiting for my husband to come back from work. Can I offer you some tea?" Mary asked.

"No, thank you," replied Seamus. "Mary, unfortunately my visit tonight is not a social one. There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just say it... There was an accident and your husband, well, he fell into a vat of Guinness brew, and he drowned. I'm so sorry, Mary."

Mary collapsed to the floor, and Seamus did his best to comfort her. After a few minutes, she regained her composure enough to ask, "please tell me, because I cannot bear the thought of my husband suffering, was his death quick?"

"Mary, unfortunately I can't say that it was. You see... well... he had to get out three times to piss."

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What are the most funny Guinness jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Guinness? Well, here are the best Guinness dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Guinness pick up lines to share with friends.

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