Guinness Jokes
96 guinness jokes and hilarious guinness puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about guinness that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Get ready to laugh! This article is filled with funny Guinness jokes that every beer-lover will enjoy. From classic world-record jokes to "Baby Guinness" puns, these jokes will have you cracking up. If you love Guinness, Coors, Ale, or Rootbeer, you're sure to find something to laugh at. Read on to find out the funniest Guinness jokes.
Funniest Guinness Short Jokes
Short guinness jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The guinness humour may include short ale jokes also.
- My neighbor's in the guinness book of records. He's had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me, in fact it's just a stone's throw away.
- A man emptied a punching bag of its content and filled it with Guinness books. He then proceded to beat all records.
- A man broke the Guinness World Record by playing the same piano key 1,000 times in 1 minute He then went home and broke the world record for most satisfied girlfriend.
- A man walks into an Irish bar... A man walks into an Irish bar and orders a tall glass of Guinness. The leprechaun next to him turns and says, Can I borrow a dollar?? I'm a little short.
- Did you hear about the Irishman who drank 30 beers in 30 minutes? It was a Guinness world record.
- I tried getting into Guinness World record by smashing up music albums I broke a lot of records
*ba dum tis* - An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
- Michael O'Leary walks into a bar... ... and says, "I'll have a pint of Guinness please." "Of course sir," the barman says, "and will sir be having a glass with that?"
- Spencer Chamberlain holds the Guinness record for longest scream at 17 seconds, with the song "Given Up." He was awarded posthumously.
- The Guinness Book of World Records is actually Chuck Norris' elementary school report card.
Share These Guinness Jokes With Friends
Guinness One Liners
Which guinness one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with guinness? I can suggest the ones about guinness beer and guinness world record.
- I had a 7 course Irish dinner last night A 6 pack of Guinness and a potato
- What do you call a leprechaun drinking a Guinness? Short and Stout!
- I called my children Lager and Guinness My wife's bitter
- A made a sandbag out of Guinness Books... ... and now I'm beating all the records.
- What do you say when Batman Beyond spills your beer? Terry, Me Guinness!
- Do you know any bird that can write? Pen-guine.
- Did you hear about the midget that's running low on Guinness? He's short on stout.
- Chuck Norris has a diary.
It's called the Guinness Book of World Records. - What do you call the most beers drank by an Irishman? A Guinness world record.
- I was in the Guinness world record book My names Adam
- What was h**...'s favorite Guinness world record? The worlds largest oven
Guinness Records Jokes
Here is a list of funny guinness records jokes and even better guinness records puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I'm in the Guinness Book of Records as the world's worst musician. But I don't like to blow my own bongo.
- You know, I'm actually in the Guinness Book of World Records... For the most unbelievable lie!
Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Guinness Jokes and Friends
What funny jokes about guinness you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean guinness records jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make guinness pranks.
Four CEOs of beer companies are having a meeting and they decide to get a drink.
The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.
The three CEOS then ask him, why aren't you ordering a Guinness?
He replies: "If you guys aren't drinking beer than neither will I."
An Irishman walks into a bar and orders 3 pints of Guinness.
He then proceeds to take a sip from the first, then a sip from the second, then a sip from the third, and starts again with a sip from the first, then second and so on.
The bartender asks what he was up to, and he replied "I have 2 brothers, one lives in New York and one in Sydney, and since I can't drink with them, I order 3 pints of Guinness and take a sip in turn from each one; and they also do the same in New York and Sydney"
So each day the Irishman would come into the bar, order his 3 pints of Guinness and everyone got to know his story.
One day, he walks in and orders only 2 pints of Guinness...
The bar goes silent. Finally, the bartender approaches him and says "On behalf of everyone at the bar, I want to extend our condolences on the passing of your brother..."
The Irishman replied, "Oh, no, it's not that!! It's just that I've given up drinking!"
The Edge walks into a bar.
U2 guitarist The Edge walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I'll ......................................... have a pint of Guinness."
The bartender replies "What's with all the delay?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Pint of Guinness
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BAS**RD!!!!"
Beer is good.
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
Only Beer drinkers would understand
In Amsterdam, a world wide convention of brewers was held.
The presidents of many of the world's greatest breweries were on hand, and many of them decided to go out for dinner together on the first evening.
The waiter asked what they would like to drink, and the CEO of Miller said, The Best Beer in the world, an MGD please!
The president of Budweiser asked for The King of Beers, make it a Bud! .
Adolph Coors requested a From mountain spring water, the clearest beer, a Coors if you don't mind.
And so it went around the large table, each president asking for the brew from his own company as if it was the best.
Finally, the waiter came to Arthur Guinness.
And you sir? he queried.
I'll have a Coke! was Guinness's reply.
A Coke??!? The waiter was shocked.
Wouldn't you rather have a Guinness, sir?
Arthur looked at the waiter, and gestured to his companions. Well, he said, If they're not drinking beer, then neither will I!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you get
What do you get when you mix a hamburger with Guinness. A hamburger p**....
I took the family to an amusement park and they all got thirsty at once.
Fortunately we were close to a big soda shop, a circular building with lines of varying lengths standing at most of the windows.
"Excuse me," I asked a park employee, "Which window do we go to?"
"Each window is for a different drink, so just go straight to the one for what you want. If you're in a hurry, though, you might pick something less popular, that no one's waiting for."
Over the crowd I could see the drink signs above each window: Coke, Sprite, Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Root Beer, Hawaiian Punch, Mountain Dew, Guinness... "How long is the Guinness line?" I asked.
He laughed, "That one wraps around the back of the building and trails off into the parking lot outside. I think they're going for a world record or something."
I didn't have time for this guy's jokes, so I asked, "Is there a punch line?"
"Nope."
Irishman in confession
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."
Beer CEOs walk into a bar...
The CEOs of Budweiser, Guinness, Coors, and Miller all walk into a bar after a beer-tasting contest. The CEO of Budweiser steps up to the bar and says: "I'll have a Budweiser, the King of Beers!" The Coors CEO says: "I'll have a Coors, the beer as cool as the Rockies!" The Miller CEO says, in turn: "I'll have the good ol' taste of a triple-hops brewed Miller!" The CEO of Guinness ponders for a moment and says to the bartender: "Oh, I'll just have a Coke." Bewildered, the other 3 CEOs stare and ask why he didn't order a beer. The Guinness CEO shrugged and said "Well, if you weren't ordering beer, I didn't think I would either".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Irishman walks into a bar...
An Irishman walks into a Dublin bar, orders three pints of Guinness, and drinks them down, taking a sip from one, then a sip from the next, until they're gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says, "You know, they'd be less likely to go flat if you bought them one at a time."
The man says, "Yeah, I know, but I have two brothers, one in the States, one in Australia. When we all went our separate ways, we promised each other that we'd drink this way in memory of the days when we drank together. Each of these is for one of my brothers and the third is for me."
The bartender is touched, and says, "What a great custom!"
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always orders the same way.
One day he comes in and orders two pints. The other regulars notice, and a silence falls over the bar. When he comes to the bar for his second round, the bartender says, "Please accept my condolences, pal."
The Irishman says, "Oh, no, everyone's fine. I just joined the m**... Church, and I had to quit drinking."
Brewery managers go to a bar
In Münchens Oktoberfest, there was a meeting with international brewery managers. After the meeting they decided to go to have a drink at a local Bierstube, well known for their international selection of beers. Coronas head manager sat first on the bar and said:
- Por favor, Senor, could i have a bottle of Corona, the best beer in the world.
The bartender got a bottle, opened it and poured it to a glass.
Next up was Budweisers head manager, who ordered:
- A can of the king of American beers, Budweiser, Thank you.
The bartender gave him a can and a glass.
Then it was Guinness' head managers turn. He ordered:
- Could i get a large coke with ice, please.
The bartender gave him the coke while the two other brewery managers watched stunned. They had to ask:
- Why didn't you order Guinness?
The Guinness' head manager answered:
- I thought that if you fellows don't want to drink beer, I won't drink it either.
An old Irishman walks into a bar.
Upon seating the bartender walks down to the old fellow and asks him what he'd like to drink. "I'll have 3 Guinness, one for me and two for me sons back home in Ireland." The bartender considers his request and pours and sets 3 pints in front of the old guy. The old man slowly drinks all three Guinness and leaves. This goes on for several months. One day the Irishman orders two Guinness. The bartender has learned a little about the old man and his sons and feels he has come to respect the old man and is concerned. "I don't mean to intrude or get personal," says the bartender, "but I couldn't help but notice you only ordered two Guinness today. Are both your sons okay?"
The old man looks to the bartender with a smile and says,"That's mighty kind of ya lad. My sons are fine. I just quit drinking."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Texan man walks into a pub in Ireland.
He clears his t**... and announces to the people inside, "Right, I hear y'all's a bunch of heavy drinkers, so here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna give a cheque for one hundred American dollars to anyone who can drink ten pints of your Guinness back to back".
No one speaks up. Gradually the conversations start back up and one man gets up, picks up his coat and walks out.
20 minutes later he stumbles back in the door, walks up to the Texan and says "Is your wager still good?" "It sure is p**...!" shouts the Texan, and the barman obligingly pulls ten pints of Guinness and lines them up on the bar. The pub falls silent as p**... starts.
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Four
A few people start shouting "Go on p**...!"
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Eight
By this point the whole pub is chanting his name. He slams the ninth glass down and drains the tenth, holding it up triumphantly. The pub erupts with cheers and the amazed Texan pulls out his chequebook and writes p**... his cheque. He hands it to him and says "Well I'll be d**..., it's true what they say about y'all! By the way, where did you go earlier?"
p**... replies, "To O'Malley's round the corner to see if I could do it!"
Irish Sausage
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only
raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two
pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much
trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a
plan, Cheers!"
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick
the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees
and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them
out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and
more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I
can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are
killin'me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the
sausage in the third pub!"
Three CEO's from different beer companies are sitting at a bar...
And the one from Bud light says, "Alright barkeep, give me a tall glass of bud light!"
And then the second one, from Miller light says, "ok barkeep, serve me a nice bottle of cold miller light!"
And then the CEO of Guinness says, well, "I suppose I'll have a glass of Coca-Cola."
The other two turn to him like he's crazy and say, "what, you aren't going to order Guinness?"
To which he replies, "well if you two aren't going to order beer, neither am I!"
10 pints
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says,
"I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500
American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. "
The room is quiet and no one takes up the
Texan's offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good? ", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of
Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone? ".
The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first ".
The CEOs of Budweiser, Coors, Killian's, and Guinness walk into a bar....
...and the bartender takes orders. The CEO of Budweiser says "I'll take a Bud Light. It's crisp, refreshing, and doesn't hurt the budget!"
The bartender moves down the line. The CEO of Coors says "I'll take a Coors light. It's colder, even more refreshing, and won't give you a beer gut!"
The bartender moves down the line. The CEO of Killian's says "These guys are amateurs, give me a Killian's Irish Red. It's smooth, flavorful, and distinct!"
The bartender moves down the line. The CEO of Guinness says "I'll have a water."
The others give a confused look. The bartender says "but... why aren't you ordering a beer?"
He responds, "well, nobody else did."
The drowning man.
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ye, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no."
"No ??"
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
Another Irish Joke
Two men are sitting at a bar in New York. Bartender walks up and says "What will ya have?" At the same time the two men say "A pint of Guinness." They look at each other and one says "You look familiar, are you from Ireland?" The man replies "Yes, Yes I am, from Dublin actually." The other man replies "Me too! What town!?"
The man says "I'm from Belcamp." The other man replies "Me too! What street?"
Man replies "Clonshaugh Road." The other man again replies "I grew up on Clonshaugh Road!"
So the two men carry on drinking and laughing and talking about the old country for a few hours and then go on their way. The evening manager eventually shows up and sees the bar empty. He asks the bartender if it has been slow. The bartender replies "We haven't had any customers yet except for the O'Brien twins."
An Irish man finds a lamp
He rubs it enthusiastically and out pops a genie who states "Thank you for freeing me, I grant you 2 wishes" the Irishman ponders this for a while before making his first wish "I wish I had a pint of Guinness that never goes down" he says excitedly. The pint appears in his hand, he takes a swig and it immediately refills. "This is marvellous!" The Irishman says "I'll have another one of those please!"
A Panda goes into a bar and is asked what he would like to drink, the panda says 'I would like a....
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... Pint of Guinness please. The bartender says, sure no problem but why the big pause?
A strange man walks into a bar.
A man was sitting at the bar, sipping his pint, when suddenly a man wearing a white morph suit, tweed jacket and a deer stalker walks into the bar. He walks straight up the wall, across the ceiling and back down the wall towards the bar.
He points towards the Jack Daniel's & puts up 2 fingers and the barman pours a double. In one swift motion he downs in, walks back up the wall, across the ceiling, down the other wall and out the door.
Then the man sat at the bar turns round to the Barman and says "That was a bit odd wasn't it?" and the Barman says "Yeah he usually has a Guinness".
Topical Jokes for 9/5/14
(for best results, imagine these being read by your favorite late night host)
In Oregon, a veterinarian discovered 43 socks in a Great Dane's stomach. The dog was taken to the vet when the owner wanted to find out why his sock drawer was growling.
To ward off evil spirits, a woman in India has married a stray dog. The woman's biggest complaint about being married to a dog — is everything.
A new study has determined that wearing a bra, does not cause breast cancer. The study did find that going without a bra, causes cancer of the eyes.
Eminemn has been entered into the Guinness Book of World Records by having nearly 1,500 words in the song Rap God. And only 700 of those were the f-word.
The World Health Organization announced that doctors should use the blood of Ebola survivors to treat other patients. This was in response to the question, What's the best way to spread the Ebola virus?
(Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed 'em)
An Irishman's First Drink with His Son
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first
pint.
Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got him a Stroh's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.
It was the same with the Molson's and the Labatt's.
I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a few of
those. He didn't like that either.
By the time I decided he just didn't like to drink I could hardly push the stroller back home.
Job Fatality in Ireland
An Irish woman is making supper when she hears a knock on the cottage door. It's the priest and he has his hat in his hand, looking solemnly at the ground.
She's says "oh no, it's bad news isn't it father!"
"Yes, tis" says the priest.
"About my husband?? is he dead, father?" She gasps.
"There was a terrible accident at the brewery, he fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned"
"Was it a quick death, father?"
"Truth be told, he got out 3 times to pee"
Texan in Ireland
A wealthy Texan is in a pub in Dublin and notices all the locals downing pint after pint of Guinness.
He makes an announcement."I'll gladly give $500 to any man who can drink 10 pints of that beer without stopping"
Everyone backs away from the bar and one man leaves the pub, altogether.
About 15 minutes later, the man who left the pub returns and says "I'll take you up on that challenge"
The bar keep lines up 10 pints of Guinness and everyone watches as the Irishman downs each one, hardly stopping to take a breath.
"Wow that was amazing!" exclaims the Texan "here's your money... but tell me one thing...why did you leave when I first made the offer?"
The Irishman wiped off his chin and said "I went to another pub to make sure I could do it."
An Irishman walks into a bar, carrying a penguin under his right arm....
A crocodile on a leash in his left hand, and a parrot on his shoulder. He walks up to the bartender and says "I'll have three pints of Guinness please".
The bartender looks at the Irishman.
Looks at the penguin.
Looks at the crocodile.
Looks at the parrot.
Looks back to the Irishman and says,
"What's all this supposed to be then? Some kind of joke?"
So a young man walks into a bar in Ireland.
He goes up to the counter to ask for a drink, but the old town drunk spots him, wondering who he is.
So he walks up to him and says, "Are you Irish, boy?" and the man responds, "Aye, half."
Then old timer says, "Oh ya, what's the other half?"
and the man says to the bartender, "Guinness"
Irishman and a Texan
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good? , asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone? .
The Irishman replies, Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first .
DRINKING BUDDIES
Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City and both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and asks, "So where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland."
"Me too! I'll drink to that."
They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin."
"Me too! I'll drink to that."
They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where in Dublin are you from?"
"The East Side."
"The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I'll drink to that!"
They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where on the East Side are you from?"
"McDonagh Street."
"Me too! This is incredible! I'll drink to that."
As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, "That's amazing! I can't believe they're from the same street in Dublin. What's going on?"
"Oh, it's nothing amazing," says the bartender."It's just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again."
Two pieces of string walk into a bar
Two pieces of string walk into a bar. One of them sits down while the other goes up to the bar and says, "two pints of Guinness, please." The barman looks the piece of string up and down and says, "Sorry, but we don't serve pieces of string here."
So the piece of string goes back to his friend and explains the situation, and the friend decides to tie himself into a knot and fray his ends. He walks up to the bar and orders two Guinness's. This time the barman starts to fill the order but halfway through he looks up and says, "Hold on a minute... You're not a piece of string are you?" To which the piece of string answers:
"No, I'm a frayed knot."
A Texan walks into an Irish pub...
and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Ten minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 10 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... No. In fact, He got out three times to pee"
A Texan walks into an Irish pub...
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I found myself in a pub in Cork, Ireland.
A group of American tourists came in.
One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."
The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving. No one took up the bet.
40 minutes later, the Irishman who left returned and said, "Hey y**..., is yer bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American, "20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000 ."
"Grand, " replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.
OK y**..., pay up." said the Irishman.
"I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?'
"Well sir", replied the Irishman, "$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it.
An Irishman's First Drink With His Son
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back to the time I took my son out for his first drink.
Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it - so I drank it.
Then I got him an Old Style. He didn't like it either, so I drank it.
It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.
By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey . . .
I could hardly push his stroller back home.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Found this diet that's supposed to make you paper-thin.
I'm trying to get into the Guinness Book of Records.
A Texan walks into an Irish bar...
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Guinness brewery worker travels to the home of his co-worker with bad news.
I'm sorry Mary, but Keith died at the brewery today'.
'Oh my god!' replied Mary, 'What happened?!'
'He drown in a vat of Guinness Stout' said the worker, sadly.
'That's terrible! Was it a quick death at least?' asked Mary.
'I'm afraid not,' the worker replied, 'He got out twice to take a p**...'.
A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.
He hears a priest come in. Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.
The priest replies, Get out, you idiot. You're on my side!
I went to Church today.
I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. I say to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
He replies, "Get out, you're on my side."
An Irishman walks into a bar.....
Paudie goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one Guinness.
The barman lines up shots and goes to get the Guinness.
When he comes back with the pint, all seven shots are gone.
The barman says: Wow! You sure drank those fast.
Paudie explains: "You would drink fast too if you had what I have.
The barman asks: What do you have?
The guy reaches into his pocket and says: Fifty cents!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A s**..., a m**..., and a Chick walk into a bar.
The s**... says, "Une tequila por favor."
The bar tender gives it to him.
The m**... says "Ah'll 'ave a pint o' Guinness."
The Chick says "Tweet tweet."
BREWER: We're sorry to inform you Mrs. O'reilly that your husband drowned today at the Guinness factory
WIFE: Well at least give me the comfort in knowing it was a quick death
BREWER: well he drowned in only 15 minutes, short considering he got out of the keg twice to pee
I wrote to the Guinness Book of Records . . .
I wrote to the *Guinness Book of Records* and told them that I had a flat piece of plastic with a hole in the middle and multiple grooves. My question for them was, is this a record?
A Guy walks in an Irish Pub
I guy on vacation in Ireland walks into a pub and says
"I hear you Irish can drink, I'll give a thousand bucks
to the guy who can drink 10 pints of Guinness in under 5 minutes"
Everyone is quiet but one of the Irishmen gets up and leaves.
In a few minutes the Irishmen walks back in and says
"Line me up 10 pints of Guinness" and he drinks them in 4 minutes flat.
As the guy is paying him the $1000 he asks the Irishmen
"If ya dont mind me askin, when you left earlier, where'd ya go"
The Irishmen says "I had to go to the pub next door
cuz I wanted to make sure I could do it"
Annual Brewers Convention
The CEOs of Budweiser, Heineken and Guinness meet at the annual Brewers Convention. They decide to go for drinks afterwards.
They go to a bar and sit down at a table. The CEO of Budweiser says, "First round is on me!" and orders three Budweisers. They drink and chat, and after a while the CEO of Heineken says, "My turn!" and orders three Heineken.
They drink and talk a bit more, until the CEO of Guinness says, "My turn!" and orders three Dr. Pepper. The others look at him, surprised, and ask him if he doesn't want to drink beer. He replies, "Well, YOU didn't order any beer either, so I thought YOU didn't want to..."
Irish Confession
Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby.
And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.
He hears a priest come in. Father, forgive I think its been a while since I've been to confession and to be sure I must say that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.
The priest replies, Get out, you idiot. You're on my side!
Took my son out for his first pint got him a Carlsberg.
He didn't like it. I drank it got him a Fosters.
He didn't like it. I drank it.
Same with the Guinness, the cider and the whiskey.
By the end of the night, I could hardly push his pram home.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man in California spent 3 months, 2 weeks, 5 days and 19 hours, sculpting and carving the biggest replica Aspirin tablet for the Guinness Book of World Records.... only to find out there was still one bigger and his was second place.
That must have been a hard pill to s**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Flynn was reminiscing about the first time he took his son p**... out for a drink
They went to the local pub, which is only two blocks from their home. Flynn got him a Guinness. p**... didn't like it - so Flynn drank it. Then Flynn got him a Smithwick's, p**... didn't like it either, so Flynn drank it. It was the same with the Harp and the Murphy's. By the time they got through the Irish whiskey, Flynn could hardly push the stroller back home.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Gary and Pete, 2 alcoholics, were lost at sea.
While floating in their small boat, they spotted a bottle on the water.
Gary quickly grabbed the bottle and took out the cork.
To his shock, a genie flew out.
"You have freed me. You may have a wish."
Gary thought hard and pointed at the sea.
"Turn all this water into Guiness."
There was a flash and the genie was gone, leaving a frothy sea of Guinness.
"why would you do that?!" complained Pete.
"What, you don't want beer?" asked Gary.
Pete shook his head and sighed.
"Now we'll have to p**... in the boat."
An Irishman goes into the confessional box...
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Irishmen lose their oars
Two Irishmen lose their oars after paddling far out into the ocean. They were lost and had no idea what to do. One of them finds a bottle floating and picks it out of the water only to find a genie pop out. The genie tell them that he will grant them only 1 wish. Without hesitation, one of them shouts I want the ocean water to turn to Guinness!
The genie grants his wish and disappears. The other Irishman was furious with his partners quick decision. He looks at him and screams you m**...! Your haste decision has s**... us! Now we have to p**... in the boat!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Irishmen are lost at sea in a life boat
They're gradually dying of thirst, until one day they spot an ancient bottle bobbing past. They grab it out of the water, open it and a genie arises and say's he'll grant them one wish.
Immediately one of them blurts out, "I wish the entire sea were Guinness!" Instantly whole ocean turns black and foamy, pure Guinness.
"Whadda do that for ya feckin' idjit!" Yells his companion, "Now we have to p**... in the boat!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Irishmen are stranded in the middle of the ocean
A bottle bobs up to their boat. One of the Irishmen opens the bottle and a genie comes out.
Thank you for freeing me! , says the Genie. In honour of your deed, I shall grant you one wish.
Before the first Irishman can get a word out, the second says Turn the whole ocean into Guinness!
The ocean turns a glistening black and the genie disappears. The first Irishman hits the second over the head and says,
Way to go, ya bleedin' idiot! Now we have to p**... in the boat!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mrs Donnelly: m**...? You took me husband Donnie on da trip to Guinness brewery, and heres you are alone. Where's me Donnie?
m**...: Its terrible news, miss. Donnie were leanin over one of those great big vats of stout, fell in and drowned.
Mrs Donnelly (starting to tear up): Oh lord in heaven... m**...! At least tell me he died quick.
m**...: I can't miss. He got out to pee three times.
Happy Saint Paddies ta ya all!
(True story) After reaching the height of his fame, Alec Guinness went into a restaurant and dropped his jacket off at the reception..
When it was time to give his name, the Receptionist told him it wasn't necessary. Feeling flattered, Alec went to his table..
At the end of the night, he went to pick up his jacket. In the pocket of his jacket, there was the ticket stub. On the ticket stub, where his name was supposed to be, it said old man with glasses .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sad drowning death at the Guinness brewery.
Poor Shaumus fell in a large, deep vat of beer.
It was a real pity too.
He was able to get out twice to p**..., but could not make it out the third time.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Tragedy at the Guinness factory
One night, a woman answers the door to see her husband's best friend, p**..., standing on the doorstep.
Hello p**..., where is my husband? He said he was going to the Guinness factory with you.
p**... shakes his head. Ah, Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned.
Mrs McMillen starts crying. Oh don't tell me that, did he at least go quickly?
p**... shakes his head. Not really – he got out three times to go to the toilet.
