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Guinness Jokes

106 guinness jokes and hilarious guinness puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about guinness that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Get ready to laugh! This article is filled with funny Guinness jokes that every beer-lover will enjoy. From classic world-record jokes to "Baby Guinness" puns, these jokes will have you cracking up. If you love Guinness, Coors, Ale, or Rootbeer, you're sure to find something to laugh at. Read on to find out the funniest Guinness jokes.

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Funniest Guinness Short Jokes

Short guinness jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The guinness humour may include short ale jokes also.

  1. My neighbor's in the guinness book of records. He's had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me, in fact it's just a stone's throw away.
  2. A man emptied a punching bag of its content and filled it with Guinness books. He then proceded to beat all records.
  3. A man broke the Guinness World Record by playing the same piano key 1,000 times in 1 minute He then went home and broke the world record for most satisfied girlfriend.
  4. My neighbour holds the Guinness world record for most concussions. He lives very close, just a stone's throw away
  5. I have a friend who is in the Guinness Book of World Records for "Most Concussions" He lives about a stones throw away.
  6. A man walks into an Irish bar... A man walks into an Irish bar and orders a tall glass of Guinness. The leprechaun next to him turns and says, Can I borrow a dollar?? I'm a little short.
  7. Did you hear about the Irishman who drank 30 beers in 30 minutes? It was a Guinness world record.
  8. I tried getting into Guinness World record by smashing up music albums I broke a lot of records
    *ba dum tis*
  9. A neutron flies into a bar and asks how much for a pint of Guinness. The bartender says, "For you, no charge".
  10. What's the difference between the NBA and a pint of Guinness? Nothing. They're both mostly black, with a little bit of white at the top.

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Guinness One Liners

Which guinness one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with guinness? I can suggest the ones about guinness beer and guinness world record.

  1. I had a 7 course Irish dinner last night A 6 pack of Guinness and a potato
  2. What's black and always behind bars? Guinness
    (You bunch of racists)
  3. What do you call a leprechaun drinking a Guinness? Short and Stout!
  4. I called my children Lager and Guinness My wife's bitter
  5. A made a sandbag out of Guinness Books... ... and now I'm beating all the records.
  6. What's an Irish Seven Course Dinner? A boiled potato and a six-pack of Guinness Stout.
  7. What do you say when Batman Beyond spills your beer? Terry, Me Guinness!
  8. Do you know any bird that can write? Pen-guine.
  9. Did you hear about the midget that's running low on Guinness? He's short on stout.
  10. Chuck Norris has a diary.
    It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
  11. What do you call the most beers drank by an Irishman? A Guinness world record.
  12. I was in the Guinness world record book My names Adam
  13. What was h**...'s favorite Guinness world record? The worlds largest oven

Pint Guinness Jokes

Here is a list of funny pint guinness jokes and even better pint guinness puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A neutron walks into a bar and asks: "How much for a pint of Guinness?" The bartender replies: "For you sir, no charge!"
  • An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
  • Michael O'Leary walks into a bar... ... and says, "I'll have a pint of Guinness please." "Of course sir," the barman says, "and will sir be having a glass with that?"
  • A s**..., a m**..., and a Chick walk into a bar. The s**... says, "Une tequila por favor."
    The bar tender gives it to him.
    The m**... says "Ah'll 'ave a pint o' Guinness."
    The Chick says "Tweet tweet."

Guinness Beer Jokes

Here is a list of funny guinness beer jokes and even better guinness beer puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Sad drowning death at the Guinness brewery. Poor Shaumus fell in a large, deep vat of beer.
    It was a real pity too.
    He was able to get out twice to p**..., but could not make it out the third time.

Guinness Records Jokes

Here is a list of funny guinness records jokes and even better guinness records puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Found this diet that's supposed to make you paper-thin. I'm trying to get into the Guinness Book of Records.
  • Spencer Chamberlain holds the Guinness record for longest scream at 17 seconds, with the song "Given Up." He was awarded posthumously.
  • The Guinness Book of World Records is actually Chuck Norris' elementary school report card.
  • I'm in the Guinness Book of Records as the world's worst musician. But I don't like to blow my own bongo.
  • You know, I'm actually in the Guinness Book of World Records... For the most unbelievable lie!
Guinness joke, You know, I'm actually in the Guinness Book of World Records...

Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Guinness Jokes and Friends

What funny jokes about guinness you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean guinness records jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make guinness pranks.

Four CEOs of beer companies are having a meeting and they decide to get a drink.

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.
The three CEOS then ask him, why aren't you ordering a Guinness?
He replies: "If you guys aren't drinking beer than neither will I."

The Edge walks into a bar.

U2 guitarist The Edge walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I'll ......................................... have a pint of Guinness."
The bartender replies "What's with all the delay?"

p**... Quits Drinking

An irishman walks in to a pub in Dublin and orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The barman says: 'You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it. Wouldn't it be better to buy one at a time?'
And the Irishman replies: 'Well you see, I have 2 brothers. One lives in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we left home we promised that we'd drink this way, to remember the good old days when we could drink together.'
The barman is quite touched.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the pub, always drinking the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. But one day, he comes in looking a bit sad and orders just two pints. The regulars notice and fall silent, When he comes back to the bar for another round, the barman says:
'Look, I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I know we all want to offer condolences on your great loss.'
The Irishman looks puzzled for a moment then he laughs. 'Oh no,'he says, éveryone's fine. I've decided to quit drinking."

Beer is good.


After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

Irishman in confession

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."

An American walks into an Irish pub...

He slams some money on the counter and loudly announces "These 100 Pounds go to the man who can drain ten pints of guinness without pausing!" He then orders the bartender to line up ten pints, and asks "Anyone who thinks he can do it?"
After a moment, p**... gets up and says "I'll have a go at it, but before that, can I go outside for a few minutes?" "Sure, why not" comes the answer.
So p**... walks out and, after a little while, comes back in. "Okay, I'm ready" he says, picks up one pint after another and drains all of the glasses. The American is very impressed, but as he hands out the money, he has to ask: "Say, where did you go just before you won my little bet here?"
"Ah, just went to Reilly's pub next door to see if I could do it!"

An Irishman finds a lamp...

...and there's a genie inside who grants him three wishes. For his first wish he asks for an unlimited supply of Guinness. The genie asks what his other two wishes are. After some thought, the Irishman answers "I'll have two more of the same please."

pint of guiness

On my last trip home I found myself in a pub in Edinburgh.
A group of American tourists came in. One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Scots think your great drinkers. I bet 5,000 pounds that no-one hear can drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes." 
The bar was silent, the American noticed one Scot leaving, no-one took up the bet.
40 minutes later the Scot returned and said "Hey y**..., is your wee bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American, "30 pints in 30 minutes for 5,000 pounds."
"Aye" replied the Scot, "pour the pints and start the clock."
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with seconds to spare.
"Ok y**..., pay up." said the Scot
"I'm happy to pay, here is your money" said the American.
"But tell me, when I first offered the wager I saw you leave. Where did you go?'
The Scot replied, "Well sir, 5,000 pounds is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it."

An Irish man finds a lamp

He rubs it enthusiastically and out pops a genie who states "Thank you for freeing me, I grant you 2 wishes" the Irishman ponders this for a while before making his first wish "I wish I had a pint of Guinness that never goes down" he says excitedly. The pint appears in his hand, he takes a swig and it immediately refills. "This is marvellous!" The Irishman says "I'll have another one of those please!"

A Panda goes into a bar and is asked what he would like to drink, the panda says 'I would like a....

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... Pint of Guinness please. The bartender says, sure no problem but why the big pause?

Job Fatality in Ireland

An Irish woman is making supper when she hears a knock on the cottage door. It's the priest and he has his hat in his hand, looking solemnly at the ground.
She's says "oh no, it's bad news isn't it father!"
"Yes, tis" says the priest.
"About my husband?? is he dead, father?" She gasps.
"There was a terrible accident at the brewery, he fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned"
"Was it a quick death, father?"
"Truth be told, he got out 3 times to pee"

An Irishman walks into a bar, carrying a penguin under his right arm....

A crocodile on a leash in his left hand, and a parrot on his shoulder. He walks up to the bartender and says "I'll have three pints of Guinness please".
The bartender looks at the Irishman.
Looks at the penguin.
Looks at the crocodile.
Looks at the parrot.
Looks back to the Irishman and says,
"What's all this supposed to be then? Some kind of joke?"

So a young man walks into a bar in Ireland.

He goes up to the counter to ask for a drink, but the old town drunk spots him, wondering who he is.
So he walks up to him and says, "Are you Irish, boy?" and the man responds, "Aye, half."
Then old timer says, "Oh ya, what's the other half?"
and the man says to the bartender, "Guinness"

Irishman and a Texan

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good? , asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone? .
The Irishman replies, Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first .

DRINKING BUDDIES

Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City and both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and asks, "So where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland."
"Me too! I'll drink to that."
They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin."
"Me too! I'll drink to that."
They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where in Dublin are you from?"
"The East Side."
"The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I'll drink to that!"
They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where on the East Side are you from?"
"McDonagh Street."
"Me too! This is incredible! I'll drink to that."
As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, "That's amazing! I can't believe they're from the same street in Dublin. What's going on?"
"Oh, it's nothing amazing," says the bartender."It's just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again."

A Texan walks into an Irish pub...

and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Ten minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 10 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... No. In fact, He got out three times to pee"

I found myself in a pub in Cork, Ireland.

A group of American tourists came in.
One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."
The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving. No one took up the bet.
40 minutes later, the Irishman who left returned and said, "Hey y**..., is yer bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American, "20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000 ."
"Grand, " replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.
OK y**..., pay up." said the Irishman.
"I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?'
"Well sir", replied the Irishman, "$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it.

An Irishman's First Drink With His Son

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back to the time I took my son out for his first drink.
Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it - so I drank it.
Then I got him an Old Style. He didn't like it either, so I drank it.
It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.
By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey . . .
I could hardly push his stroller back home.

the heads of Coors, Budweiser and Guinness go to lunch.

So, the heads of Coors, Budweiser and Guinness are all sitting in a restaurant. When the waitress comes over she takes their drinks order first
- 'Ill have a silver bullet' says the Coors guy
- 'Ill have the king of beers' says the Budweiser guy
- 'Lemonade please' says the head of Guinness
The other two look at him ... 'Lemonade?'
'Well if you're not drinking beer neither am I'

Arthur Guinness

The leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a bud, the Ceo of Miller gets a Miller, the head of coors orders a coors, and so on. Until it's Arthur Guinness's turn, he orders a soda. "Why didn't you order a Guinness?" everyone asks. "Nah" Guinness replies. If you guys aren't having a beer,then neither will I.

A Guinness brewery worker travels to the home of his co-worker with bad news.

I'm sorry Mary, but Keith died at the brewery today'.
'Oh my god!' replied Mary, 'What happened?!'
'He drown in a vat of Guinness Stout' said the worker, sadly.
'That's terrible! Was it a quick death at least?' asked Mary.
'I'm afraid not,' the worker replied, 'He got out twice to take a p**...'.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman each order a pint. Just then, a fly drops in each of their Guinness.

The Englishman says: "How dreadful. Barkeep, take this pint back at once, I couldn't possibly touch it, it has a fly in it!"
The Scotsman says: "Ach, it's nae so bad!" and flicks the fly out with the back of his hand and c**... his beer.
The Irishman gingerly picks up the fly by the wing, gives the fly a little wiggle and says: "You spit that out! You spit that out!"

One night, Mrs. McMillen answered the door to see her husbands bestfriend p**... standing on the doorstep.....

"Hello p**..., where is my husband? He went with you to the Guinness factory."
p**... shook his head and said "Ah Mrs. McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness and drown."
Mrs.McMillen starts crying. "Oh don't tell me that, did he at least go quickly?"
p**... shakes his head no, then says "Not really, he got out 3 times to pee."

4 famous beer owners walk into a bar.

The CEO for Budweiser orders a Bud Light. The CEO for Miller orders a Miller Light. The CEO for Coors orders a Coors Light. The CEO for Guinness orders a Coke. They all ask him why he didn't order a Guinness to which he replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer then neither am I."

"Real" Beer

The CEOs of AB InBev, Molson Coors and Guinness are at the bar.
The CEO of AB InBev orders a Bud Light.
The CEO of Molson Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a sparkling water.
The other two CEOs turn to the CEO of Guinness and ask him why he isn't ordering a Guinness to which he replies:
"If you two aren't drinking beer, then neither will I!"

An irish man frees a genie

and happy to be released from his confinement, the genie grants him 3 wishes.
The Irishman thinks about it, and says "I want me a pint of Guinness that is never empty."
So *p**...* a pint appears, filled to the rim with the rich brown drink. The man drinks it down, and when he places it back on the bar, it's filled up again.
"So, what would you like for your other two wishes, sir?"
"I want two more of these, then!"

A Chinese man walks into a bar.

He goes up to the bartender and asks for a pint of Guinness.
The barman says "No I'm sorry buddy, I can't serve you."
"Why is it because I'm Chinese?!!" he says.
The barman says, "No, you're too young."
The Chinese man looks baffled...
"How do you know my name?"

The CEOS of Budweiser, Miller, Heineken and Guinness sit down for a meal...

The waitress comes by for a drink order, and each orders their own.
Budweiser CEO: I'll have a Bud
Miller: MGD for me
Heineken: I'll have a Heineken
Guinness: Iced tea
Everyone stares.
Guinness replies: what? If you aren't drinking beer, neither am I!

An Irishman walks into a bar.....

Paudie goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one Guinness.
The barman lines up shots and goes to get the Guinness.
When he comes back with the pint, all seven shots are gone.
The barman says: Wow! You sure drank those fast.
Paudie explains: "You would drink fast too if you had what I have.
The barman asks: What do you have?
The guy reaches into his pocket and says: Fifty cents!

BREWER: We're sorry to inform you Mrs. O'reilly that your husband drowned today at the Guinness factory

WIFE: Well at least give me the comfort in knowing it was a quick death
BREWER: well he drowned in only 15 minutes, short considering he got out of the keg twice to pee

I wrote to the Guinness Book of Records . . .

I wrote to the *Guinness Book of Records* and told them that I had a flat piece of plastic with a hole in the middle and multiple grooves. My question for them was, is this a record?

A Guy walks in an Irish Pub

I guy on vacation in Ireland walks into a pub and says
"I hear you Irish can drink, I'll give a thousand bucks
to the guy who can drink 10 pints of Guinness in under 5 minutes"
Everyone is quiet but one of the Irishmen gets up and leaves.
In a few minutes the Irishmen walks back in and says
"Line me up 10 pints of Guinness" and he drinks them in 4 minutes flat.
As the guy is paying him the $1000 he asks the Irishmen
"If ya dont mind me askin, when you left earlier, where'd ya go"
The Irishmen says "I had to go to the pub next door
cuz I wanted to make sure I could do it"

Irish feast

What is a seven course Irish meal?
.
.
..
6 pack of Guinness and a baked potato.

4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.
The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:
"I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."

A man with soiled clothing walks into a bar...

A man with soiled clothing walks into a bar.
The bartender asks him what drink he'd like, to which he replies, "A pint of Guinness please".
As the bartender fills the glass, he asks the man, "What do you do for a living?"
"Well," the man replies, "I go into caves and break the rocks, to find ores and that kind of thing."
The bartender looks sadly at him and sighs. "Sorry sir," he says, "we don't serve miners."

Annual Brewers Convention

The CEOs of Budweiser, Heineken and Guinness meet at the annual Brewers Convention. They decide to go for drinks afterwards.
They go to a bar and sit down at a table. The CEO of Budweiser says, "First round is on me!" and orders three Budweisers. They drink and chat, and after a while the CEO of Heineken says, "My turn!" and orders three Heineken.
They drink and talk a bit more, until the CEO of Guinness says, "My turn!" and orders three Dr. Pepper. The others look at him, surprised, and ask him if he doesn't want to drink beer. He replies, "Well, YOU didn't order any beer either, so I thought YOU didn't want to..."

Irish Confession

Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby.
And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.
He hears a priest come in. Father, forgive I think its been a while since I've been to confession and to be sure I must say that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.
The priest replies, Get out, you idiot. You're on my side!

Took my son out for his first pint got him a Carlsberg.

He didn't like it. I drank it got him a Fosters.
He didn't like it. I drank it.
Same with the Guinness, the cider and the whiskey.
By the end of the night, I could hardly push his pram home.

A man in California spent 3 months, 2 weeks, 5 days and 19 hours, sculpting and carving the biggest replica Aspirin tablet for the Guinness Book of World Records.... only to find out there was still one bigger and his was second place.

That must have been a hard pill to s**....

Flynn was reminiscing about the first time he took his son p**... out for a drink

They went to the local pub, which is only two blocks from their home. Flynn got him a Guinness. p**... didn't like it - so Flynn drank it. Then Flynn got him a Smithwick's, p**... didn't like it either, so Flynn drank it. It was the same with the Harp and the Murphy's. By the time they got through the Irish whiskey, Flynn could hardly push the stroller back home.

Gary and Pete, 2 alcoholics, were lost at sea.

While floating in their small boat, they spotted a bottle on the water.
Gary quickly grabbed the bottle and took out the cork.
To his shock, a genie flew out.
"You have freed me. You may have a wish."
Gary thought hard and pointed at the sea.
"Turn all this water into Guiness."
There was a flash and the genie was gone, leaving a frothy sea of Guinness.
"why would you do that?!" complained Pete.
"What, you don't want beer?" asked Gary.
Pete shook his head and sighed.
"Now we'll have to p**... in the boat."

An Irishman goes into the confessional box...

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."

A Man Walks Up and Knocks on Mrs. O'Reilly's door.

Oh, Mrs. O'Reilly, I have terrible news. There was an accident at the brewery and your husband fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned.
Oh! It must have been horrible, she cried!
Aye, we pulled him out three times.

Four beer execs

Four leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud. Miller's president orders a Miller and the president of Coors orders a Coors. When it is Guinness turn to order he orders a soda.
Why didn't you order a Guinness everyone asks? Nah Guinness replies. If you guys aren't having a beer neither will I

Two Irishmen lose their oars

Two Irishmen lose their oars after paddling far out into the ocean. They were lost and had no idea what to do. One of them finds a bottle floating and picks it out of the water only to find a genie pop out. The genie tell them that he will grant them only 1 wish. Without hesitation, one of them shouts I want the ocean water to turn to Guinness!
The genie grants his wish and disappears. The other Irishman was furious with his partners quick decision. He looks at him and screams you m**...! Your haste decision has s**... us! Now we have to p**... in the boat!

Two Irishmen are lost at sea in a life boat

They're gradually dying of thirst, until one day they spot an ancient bottle bobbing past. They grab it out of the water, open it and a genie arises and say's he'll grant them one wish.
Immediately one of them blurts out, "I wish the entire sea were Guinness!" Instantly whole ocean turns black and foamy, pure Guinness.
"Whadda do that for ya feckin' idjit!" Yells his companion, "Now we have to p**... in the boat!"

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.

Got him a Bud...... he didn't like it - I had it.
Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it so I had it.
It was the same with Guinness and Cider.
By the time we got down to the whiskey I could hardly push the b**... pram.

Two Irishmen are stranded in the middle of the ocean

A bottle bobs up to their boat. One of the Irishmen opens the bottle and a genie comes out.
Thank you for freeing me! , says the Genie. In honour of your deed, I shall grant you one wish.
Before the first Irishman can get a word out, the second says Turn the whole ocean into Guinness!
The ocean turns a glistening black and the genie disappears. The first Irishman hits the second over the head and says,
Way to go, ya bleedin' idiot! Now we have to p**... in the boat!

Mrs Donnelly: m**...? You took me husband Donnie on da trip to Guinness brewery, and heres you are alone. Where's me Donnie?

m**...: Its terrible news, miss. Donnie were leanin over one of those great big vats of stout, fell in and drowned.
Mrs Donnelly (starting to tear up): Oh lord in heaven... m**...! At least tell me he died quick.
m**...: I can't miss. He got out to pee three times.
Happy Saint Paddies ta ya all!

(True story) After reaching the height of his fame, Alec Guinness went into a restaurant and dropped his jacket off at the reception..

When it was time to give his name, the Receptionist told him it wasn't necessary. Feeling flattered, Alec went to his table..
At the end of the night, he went to pick up his jacket. In the pocket of his jacket, there was the ticket stub. On the ticket stub, where his name was supposed to be, it said old man with glasses .

Tragedy at the Guinness factory

One night, a woman answers the door to see her husband's best friend, p**..., standing on the doorstep.
Hello p**..., where is my husband? He said he was going to the Guinness factory with you.
p**... shakes his head. Ah, Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned.
Mrs McMillen starts crying. Oh don't tell me that, did he at least go quickly?
p**... shakes his head. Not really – he got out three times to go to the toilet.

Guinness joke, Tragedy at the Guinness factory

jokes about guinness