Guiness Jokes
13 guiness jokes and hilarious guiness puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about guiness that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Guiness Short Jokes
Short guiness jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The guiness humour may include short pint jokes also.
- How I respond when people make fun of me for liking Guiness I like my beer like I like my women. Black and heavy.
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Guiness One Liners
Which guiness one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with guiness? I can suggest the ones about poultry and fowl.
- my local bar had a "pint for a pound" deal on Guiness... it cost 5.50
Comical Puns & Laughs: Enjoy Fun, Witty Guiness Jokes with Friends.
What funny jokes about guiness you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean barman jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make guiness pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Gary and Pete, 2 alcoholics, were lost at sea.
While floating in their small boat, they spotted a bottle on the water.
Gary quickly grabbed the bottle and took out the cork.
To his shock, a genie flew out.
"You have freed me. You may have a wish."
Gary thought hard and pointed at the sea.
"Turn all this water into Guiness."
There was a flash and the genie was gone, leaving a frothy sea of Guinness.
"why would you do that?!" complained Pete.
"What, you don't want beer?" asked Gary.
Pete shook his head and sighed.
"Now we'll have to p**... in the boat."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Irish man in Dublin
An Irish man, enjoying a pint of Guiness in a pub in Dublin when he approaches a couple of very fat girls with british accent:
- Hi ladies! Are you from England?
- No! Wales!
- Hi whales! Are you from England?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An irish man requests a guiness
"One Guiness please"
-*"You must be Irish"*
"What, just because I ordered a Guiness? If I ordered a big mac would you think I was American?"
-*"Um, Sir.."*
If I ordered a tortilla would you think I was mexican?! Racist s**...!"
-*"But.. sorry sir.. This is a library."*
An American man is drinking in a pub in Ireland...
He stands up and says "If anyone here can drink 10 pints of guiness in 10 minutes I'll give him 100 dollars!"
No one answers him and one man walks out of the pub.
The American goes back to his drink and someone taps him on the shoulder 15 minutes later. It was the Irish man who had walked out earlier. "Does your bet still stand?" He asks.
The American says yes and gets him his pints. The Irishman then drinks all 10 in 10 minutes.
The American gives him his money, he says "That was amazing! But why did you leave earlier?"
The Irish man says "I went to the pub across the road to make sure I could do it first!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are sitting in a bar in New York reminiscing about home.
"Back in me pub in Glasgow," brags the Scotsman, "fer every four pints of stout I order, they give me one fer free!"
"In me pub in London," says the Englishman,"I pay fer two pint's o' Guiness and they give me a third one free!"
"That's nuthin'" says the Irishman, "Im my pub back in Dublin, you walk up to the bar, they give the first pint fer free, the second pint fer free, the third pint fer free -- and then they take you upstairs and you have s**... for FREE!"
"Is that true?" asks the Scotsman. "Has that really happened to you?"
"Well, no," says the Irishman, "but it happens to me sister all the time!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
p**... walks into a bar....
and orders his usual. As he's pouring out the Guiness, the bartender notices that p**... looks distraught. Worried about his best customer, the bartender asks, "What's the matter, p**...? You're looking glum".
p**... responds with a sigh and sips his Guiness. After a minute, p**... tells the bartender the source of his dispair. "I lost my best mate m**... today you see", says p**....
"Oh dear p**.... If you don't mind me asking, how did it happen?" asked the bartender.
p**... groaned in discontent.
"He got his finger caught in a wedding ring".
Another Irish joke involving beer
While attending the World Beer Conference, the CEOs of Anhueser-Busch, Coors, and Guiness went out to eat together. When the waitress asked them what they would like to drink, the CEO of Anhueser-Busch replied, "Get me a Budweiser, the king of beers!" Not to be outdone, the Coors CEO told her, "I want a Coors. It's as refreshing as a Rocky Mountain spring!" The waitress turned to the Guiness CEO, who ordered a Diet Coke. Surprised, his companions asked why he hadn't ordered a Guiness. Smiling, he told them, "I figured if you fellows weren't going to have a beer, I shouldn't either."
In honor of St. Patrick's day, here's my best Irishman joke.
An Irishman decides it's time for him to have his first ever drink with his son. He takes him down to the local pub and orders a pint. But his son didn't like the taste of it, so the Irishman drank it for him. Then the Irishman orders Guiness, hoping his son would like it better. But he still didn't like the taste, so the Irishman drank it for him. Distraught, the Irishman spent the rest of his money on the most elegant and expensive lager that money could buy, and gave it to his son. But alas, his son still didn't like the taste, so the Irishman drank it for him. After downing all of his and his son's beers, he was so hammered that he could barely push the stroller.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
pint of guiness
On my last trip home I found myself in a pub in Edinburgh.
A group of American tourists came in. One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Scots think your great drinkers. I bet 5,000 pounds that no-one hear can drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."
The bar was silent, the American noticed one Scot leaving, no-one took up the bet.
40 minutes later the Scot returned and said "Hey y**..., is your wee bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American, "30 pints in 30 minutes for 5,000 pounds."
"Aye" replied the Scot, "pour the pints and start the clock."
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with seconds to spare.
"Ok y**..., pay up." said the Scot
"I'm happy to pay, here is your money" said the American.
"But tell me, when I first offered the wager I saw you leave. Where did you go?'
The Scot replied, "Well sir, 5,000 pounds is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it."
The drowning man.
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ye, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no."
"No ??"
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."