Guilty Jokes

Following is our collection of guilt humor and convict one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Guilty puns for adults, dirty innocent jokes or clean honour gags for kids.

There is an abundance of jury jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 60 funniest jokes on guilty. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any bailiff witze you can hear about guilty.

The Best jokes about Guilty

Why is the white guy the scariest guy in prison?

Cause you know he is actually guilty.

My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

After a short trial, I was found not guilty.

Court decision: "I hereby find you guilty of clickbait, and sentence you to death by electric chair......

....what happens next will shock you."

Comey: He's guilty

Democrats: He's guilty

Trump: I'm guilty

Republicans: We may never get to the bottom of this

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.

Does this also mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

With that the man turned to his accuser and said "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson".


why should you be afraid of a white man in prison?

because you know he's guilty.

Why is the white guy the scariest person in jail?

You know he's guilty.

Just had the following conversation in court

Judge: State your name.

Me: Not Guilty


Judge: What?


Me: I had it legally changed.


Judge: You're Not Guilty?


Me: Thanks, I'm outta here

Classic dad joke, but in bad taste

So we were having a family dinner for the first time in a while.
My mum was saying how terrible the situation in Nepal is, when my Dad says "it's nepalling isn't it?"
I had a good laugh, feeling guilty after :(

People say Michael Jackson only became a paedophile when he was white. [NSFW]

Lucky for him, if he was black he would have been found guilty.

Which president is least guilty?

Abraham Lincoln. He is in a cent


A man has been found guilty of overusing commas

The judge warned him to expect a very long sentence.

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time...

are they guilty of resisting a rest?

The pros and cons of being overly literal

PROS:

People who profit as a result of their occupation.

CONS:

People found guilty of a criminal offense.

Husband and wife decide to make a password...

...for sex,
they decide on 'washing machine'.
Later in bed that night husband says,
Washing machine.
Wife replies, Not tonight darling I have a sore head.
Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says,
Washing machine.
Husband replies,
Too late it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand.

An accused criminal is brought before a judge...

The judge says, "You stand accused of stealing five million dollars' worth of gold bars. How do you plead?"

"Not guilty, your honour."

"Bail is set at five million dollars." The judge slams his gavel down.

"Do you accept payment in gold?"

My girlfriend asked me to choke her and hit her during sex but it makes me feel guilty.

I'm joining the police academy to learn how to abuse and choke someone without being guilty.

Who's guilty here?

A wife is dreaming while asleep in the bed, she suddenly wakes up and shouts, "quick, my husband is home!"

Her husband wakes up and jumps out the window!

Why are white people the scariest in prison?

Because you know they're guilty.


A cannibal is on trial for murder and cannibalism...

He's called up to the witness stand and the prosecutor asks him if he pleads guilty or innocent.
"Innocent!" he says.
The prosecutor asks him to prove it.
The cannibal answers, "Well, you are what you eat, right? So I am an innocent man!"

You have been charged guilty for clickbait, and will now have to use the electric chair

What happens next will shock you

I used to feel guilty about getting rid of old shoes until I realised they were going to a better place.

It turns out that shoes have soles.

Jack goes to his friend Mike

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ...
"I'm sleeping with the pastor's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.

After mass, he starts talking to the pastor, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the pastor gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.

Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the pastor...
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says...
"You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago"

A doctor goes to confession...

"Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest replies, "Tell me your sins my child."

The doctor says, "I slept with five of my patients. I know it was wrong, not mention unethical. Since it happened, I've barely been able to sleep and I have no appetite. I feel so guilty."

The priest consoles him saying, "You must learn to forgive yourself."

The man replies, "But how can I? How can I return from this sin?"

The priest says, "You're not the first doctor to sleep with a patient and you won't be last."

The man nods in consent while the priest absolves him. As they exit the confessional, the priest looks at the doctor and says, "I hate to ask, but seeing as you're a doctor, do you think that you could take a look at my throat, it's been sore for days."

The man replies, "I'd love to father, but I'm not that type of doctor. I'm a veterinarian."

A doctor had sex...

A doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering...

"You're a veterinarian, you sick sex fiend."

Your momma's so fat

she went to the food court and was found guilty.

A Doctor goes to a psychologist....

And tells him he is feeling very guilty about sleeping with one of his patients. He is having a hard time going back to work because he thinks all of his co workers know. The psychologist said there's nothing to be ashamed of because humans can't always control urges and even he has slept with a patient.

After a few sessions the Doctor finally feels relieved about his incident. The psychologist asked what field of medicine the doctor practiced.

"Oh I'm a veterinarian", said the Doctor.

Doctor Dave has sex with one of his patients...

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while, he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said, Dave, don't worry about it. You're not the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go.

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering Dave, you're a vet…

A pastor bikes to his friends house every monday...

One Monday, the Pastor shows up 3 hours later than usual. His friend asks, "Why were you so late today?"
The Pastor replies, "My bike was stolen so I had to walk here."

His friend thinks for a minute and says "I know how you can get your bike back. Next Sunday, preach on the 10 Commandments and when you get to 'Thou Shall Not Steal', look at the congregation for anyone who looks guilty. That's the person who stole your bike"

The following Monday the Pastor shows up at his friends house on his bike. "Good news! I followed your advice and preached on the 10 Commandments," said the Pastor. "But when I got to 'Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery,' I remembered where I left my bike"

Judge: "You have been found unanimously guilty of using clickbait, and I sentence you to death by electric chair."

What happens next will shock you.

Sex with a patient

Doc Jones had sex with one of his patients and felt super guilty all day. It didn't matter what he tried to get it out of his mind, it was just not happening. His guilt was just too much.

There was that little voice in his head trying to get rid of the guilt. "Jones, Don't worry! You are not the first doctor who had sex with one of his patients and for sure you won't be the last. You are single, just let it slide!"

And then always the second little voice kicked him back in reality:

"Jones, you're a vet."

Why should you be scared of a white man in prison?

Because you know he is actually guilty.


Credit to /u/Ser_Rodrick_Cassel for the joke!

the teacher and the vandal

One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class. The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

Why are earthquakes always found guilty?

Because they are at fault

Why are white prisoners scarier than black prisoners?

The white guy might actually be guilty.

(Stolen from a comment by /u/CanadianWildlifeDept)

Poor Boudreaux . . .

Boudreaux was feeling guilty, so he went to confession.

"Father, I kinda took a little lumber from that new construction site."

Priest: "What did you do with the lumber, my son?

Boudreaux: "Well, Father, my porch, she's had a hole for a long time. I'm afraid that someone will break their leg, so I fix the hole."

Priest: "Well, that's not so bad."

Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a little lumber left."

Priest: "What did you do with it?

Boudreaux: "Well, my poor dog Phideaux, he ain't never had no place to get outta the weather, so I make him his own little doghouse."

Priest: "OK, anything else?"

Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a little lumber left. So you know, my truck, she ain't never had no place to get outta de weather either, so I make her a two-car garage."

Priest: "Now, this is getting a little out of hand."

Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I still had a little lumber left."

Priest: "Yes?"

Boudreaux: "Well, my wife, she always want a bigger house. So I add two bedrooms and a new bathroom."

Priest: "OK! That's definitely too much. For your penance, you are going to have to make a Novena. You do know how to make a Novena, don't you?"

Boudreaux: "No, Father ... but if you got the plans, I got the lumber."

Why did the police officer arrest the popcorn?

It was guilty of all salt and buttery.

A bus conductor pushes a guy out of the bus...

... for not having the money to pay for the ride. The guy dies and the passengers angrily take the conductor to court.
The trial finds him guilty. He is sentenced to death by the electric chair.
Soon he is bounded on the electric chair and the power is fed to the chair. But nothing happens and the man does not die.
The next evening, a lady falls out of a moving bus, the conductor of that bus tries to save her but he couldn't get hold of her and she dies. In light of the previous event, the passengers accuse him of pushing the lady out of the bus for not paying and takes him to court. He is found guilty and gets sentenced to death by the electric chair. But this time, he, being a good conductor, dies.

A doctor had sex with his patient

A doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.

But every once in a while, he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering, "You're a veterinarian, you sick sex fiend."

Recently in court I was found guilty of being egotistical

I am appealing

Not guilty

Paddy went to trial for armed robbery.
After a long drawn out trial, the jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."

"That's grand!" shouted Paddy. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"

As told by an Austrian engineer

Three engineers, a Brit, a Frenchman, and an Austrian, were found guilty of treason in a former colony. The sentence was death by guillotine, but the engineers were given a choice of receiving the penalty face-up, or face-down. The Brit chose face-up and the blade miraculously stopped inches short of his throat. This was seen as a sign from God, and the Brit was set free. The French engineer also chose face-up, and once again, the blade stopped inches from the throat. Again, a miracle, and the Frenchman was set free. The Austrian, not to be outdone, chose face-up, but just before the blade was released was heard to proclaim, "Wait a minute, I see the problem."

Doctor Kevin had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long

Doctor Kevin had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Kevin don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Kevin."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:













.

.

Kevin....

Kevin....

You're a veterinary doctor"

Martin Shkreli's guilty verdict

Must be a tough pill for him to swallow.

I was extremely tired and walked into a police officer the other day.

Ended up being guilty of resisting a rest.

Golfing rage.

A man and his wife are out golfing one day. The wife tees off and breaks a window on an expensive looking house. Feeling guilty the man decides to talk to the owner and pay for the damages.
They knock on the door, but nobody seems to answer. Being the nice couple they were they enter the house to leave a number. A man calmly walks down the stairs and proclaims "I am a genie and I own this house, since I am a generous man I will grant you two 3 wishes but as you see I am very lonely having no contact with hardly anyone the only thing I as is for granting you these 3 wishes I would wish to have sex with your wife. The couple talk it over for a while and agree to the genie. The first wish, the man asks 'I wish for a million dollars.' 'done' says the genie. The wife says, 'I wish for a house on every corner of the earth.'
'done'
'As for the last wish, I wish for a cruise ship.'
'done.'
His wife then leaves upstairs with the genie, after a couple hours the genie and his wife come down the stairs.
'So how was?' says the man.
'Good, but it surprises me you still believe in genies!'

TIL Merriam-Webster's audio pronunciation of "Gullible" says "Guilty" instead.

Mario got taken to court

He turned out to be guilty, here is the last words of the trial.

Judge: I order to pay a $10,000 fine

Mario: why

Judge: it's a fine

Mario: [sadly] no itsa not

Sex with the priest's wife

Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ...
"I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"
The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees.
After mass, Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to.
Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest...
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Bob's shoulder and says...
"You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago".

Two men die and arrived in heaven

Curious as to why others are here, they struck up a conversation.

Man 1: Bro how did you die?

Man 2: Due to cold, and you?

Man 1: I doubted my girlfriend with another guy, searched the entire house but found none. I felt too guilty and committed suicide.

Man 2: Lol, I was in the fridge

A Man named McMurphy is accused of robbing a bank...

On the last day of his trial, the foreman of the jury stands up.

"Have you reached a verdict?" asked the judge.

"We have your honor..." replied the foreman. "Not guilty!"

"Excellent!" shouted McMurphy "Does that mean i get to keep the money?"

Oscar Pistorius is pleading not guilty to the charge of premeditated murder

Frankly I don't think he's got a leg to stand on.

My barrister

You have to tell me the truth," my barrister said. "It doesn't matter to me if you're guilty or not, I just don't want to be surprised in court."

"Ok, I raped and murdered those prostitutes." I admitted.

"Interesting, but can we get back to this shoplifting charge please?"

Masturbation is a lot like eating a Cinnabon

You feel guilty after both, and the cleanup is the same.

Bad orchestra director

An orchestra conductor walks in on his wife cheating on him with his principal violinist. She confesses, "I haven't loved you for a while now. It's your job - you're a lousy conductor."

In a crime of passion, he shoots them both dead.

At his murder trial, he's found guilty and sentenced to the electric chair. He's strapped in, the switch is thrown, and... nothing. Confused, the executor flips the switch back and forth a few times and shrugs. Turns out his wife was correct; he's a bad conductor.

Jack says to his friend Mike, I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you keep him busy in church for an hour after service for me?"

Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees. After the service, Mike asks the minister all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses, "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, and he asked me to keep you occupied."

The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a fatherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "You should hurry home now. My wife died a year ago."

A nun gets into a cab

The cab driver sees her in the backseat and says "I have always had a fantasy about nuns."

She answers "you and everyone else! Are you a Catholic?"

Driver says yes, so she tells him to pull over.

She hops in the front seat and gives him the best blow job he ever had. She gets done and the cabbie feels guilty and says "You know sister, I have to confess. I am not really Catholic."

"That's fine. My name is Ralph and I am going to a costume party."

Guilty and Depression!

A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist.

"Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"For Pete's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."

Yikes, I guess no one is safe.

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:

Dave, don't worry bout it. You aren't the first doctor to have sex with his patient, and you wont be the last…and your single to…let it go!

but invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality.

Dave, Dave, Dave…

…You're a veterinarian…

My wife felt guilty

I found her using a vibrator. She said she was denying me my pleasure. She's using the batteries from the remote

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes