Guilty Jokes
153 guilty jokes and hilarious guilty puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about guilty that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Experience a funny guilty pleasure with this collection of jokes. Whether it's Guilty Gear, the culprit of a crime, or indicting yourself of guilt, these jokes are sure to make you laugh.
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Funniest Guilty Short Jokes
Short guilty jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The guilty humour may include short convicted jokes also.
- Comey: He's guilty Democrats: He's guilty
Trump: I'm guilty
Republicans: We may never get to the bottom of this - Just had the following conversation in court Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You're Not Guilty?
Me: Thanks, I'm outta here - A man has been found guilty of overusing commas The judge warned him to expect a very long sentence.
- The pros and cons of being overly literal PROS:
People who profit as a result of their occupation.
CONS:
People found guilty of a criminal offense. - The Defense pleads 'Not Guilty by reason of insanity' and loses They go to appeal and plead 'not guilty by reason of insanity' again, expecting a different result.
They win the appeal. - Who's guilty here? A wife is dreaming while asleep in the bed, she suddenly wakes up and shouts, "quick, my husband is home!"
Her husband wakes up and jumps out the window! - Lockdown was great! I didn't work, i didn't socialise, i barely left the house. Same as usual, except i didn't feel guilty.
- I used to feel guilty about getting rid of old shoes until I realised they were going to a better place. It turns out that shoes have soles.
- I was extremely tired and walked into a police officer the other day. Ended up being guilty of resisting a rest.
- Poetic Justice Judge:
I find you guilty.
You are sentenced to ten years,
Take him away boys.
Prosecutor mutters, "Poetic Justice"
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Guilty One Liners
Which guilty one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with guilty? I can suggest the ones about innocent and accused.
- Which president is least guilty? Abraham Lincoln. He is in a cent
- If a child refuses to sleep during nap time... are they guilty of resisting a rest?
- Which of the7 deadly sins are lions guilty of? Pride!!
- Why are earthquakes always found guilty? Because they are at fault
- Why did the police officer arrest the popcorn? It was guilty of all salt and buttery.
- What do you call it when soap feels guilty? Shamepoo.
- Recently in court I was found guilty of being egotistical I am appealing
- TIL Merriam-Webster's audio pronunciation of "gullible" says "Guilty" instead.
- Why did the ion get arrested? Because it was guilty as charged.
- I feel guilty about this parasite I ingested. It's been eating me up inside.
- Why did the jury decide Ester was not guilty? Because Ester is in a scent.
- Where do you find cos(b)? Guilty and somehow no where near a prison.
- going on social media these days is like going to church after 5mins, I feel guilty af
- How do you find a black man? Guilty
- An Auditor was found sleeping with his client He was guilty of inside her trading
Found Guilty Jokes
Here is a list of funny found guilty jokes and even better found guilty puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion. If found guilty he'll be given a tough sentence.
- Why was the dolphin sent to the electric chair? He was found guilty of crimes against a manatee.
- A police officer shoots and kills an unarmed civilian The officer is immediately arrested and eventually found guilty
- Why was Lorena Bobbitt found not guilty? Because the evidence wouldn't stand up in court...
- Did you hear about the man with a laughing tic who accidentally killed someone? He was found guilty of involuntary mans(laughter).
- The ice maker in the fridge was blocked by a large chunk of ice and wouldn't operate. It was found guilty of obstruction of just ice.
- Why was the orange-colored metal police officer found not guilty of trespassing inside the world largest dime? Everyone knew that copper was in a cent.
- Did you hear abou the man found not guilty of being a paraplegic? He walked.
- Did you hear about the Honda employee who was found not guilty? It was the judge's Civic duty to let him leave on his own Accord
- A man was found guilty of electrifying a guy to his death. The charge was quite severe.
Plead Guilty Jokes
Here is a list of funny plead guilty jokes and even better plead guilty puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Judge: "So, Mr Robot. Your neighbour accused you of stealing their electricity to power yourself. How do you pleade?" Robot, the defendant: "Guilty as charged"
- The cross-eyed judge looked at the 3 defendants How do you plead? he asked the first man. Not guilty, said the second. I wasn't talking to you, said the judge. I didn't say a word, said the third.
- If being spineless is a crime, sue me! I think, I'll just plead guilty.
*On a serious note, I'll probably beg you to withdraw charges.* - Did you hear Mike Sorrentino from the jersey shore is pleading guilty to tax evasion? You could say he's in a Bad "Situation".
- Jared to plead guilty to charges. Sorry wrong sub.
- Why was the harvester pleaded guilty? Cause he's a cereal killer.
- Rick has pleaded guilty and is willing to testify. I think the flood Gates have been opened.
Guilty Verdict Jokes
Here is a list of funny guilty verdict jokes and even better guilty verdict puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Gary Glitter? 10 "number 1's" and a not guilty verdict
- GUILTY! What do you call a judge who decides the verdict before the case is even heard?
Judgemental
Guilty Pleasure Jokes
Here is a list of funny guilty pleasure jokes and even better guilty pleasure puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Confession: Every now and then I still enjoy listening to one of Bill Cosby's old comedy albums. Call it a guilty pleasure.
- What is the ultimate guilty pleasure? A warm toilet seat in a public bathroom.
- Why are inmates obsessed with ramen? Because it's their guilty pleasure.
- I visited my boyfriend in prison the other day for a conjugal visit. It was a guilty pleasure.
Laughter Guilty Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity
What funny jokes about guilty you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean confess jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make guilty pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
[salem witch trials]
**judge:** You are guilty of doing magic! What do you have to say for yourself young lady?
**woman:** It's misdirection!
**judge:** Oh sorry! *"Miss"* Direction, do you have anything to say?
**woman:** *sigh* nevermind...
Thw detective knew immediately which ballerina was the killer.
Because guilty feet have got no rhythm.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A doctor had s**......
A doctor had s**... with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have s**... with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering...
"You're a veterinarian, you sick s**... fiend."
Guilty and Depression!
A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist.
"Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."
"For Pete's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."
Lincoln isn't guilty of anything
He's in a cent
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A doctor goes to confession...
"Forgive me father for I have sinned."
The priest replies, "Tell me your sins my child."
The doctor says, "I slept with five of my patients. I know it was wrong, not mention unethical. Since it happened, I've barely been able to sleep and I have no appetite. I feel so guilty."
The priest consoles him saying, "You must learn to forgive yourself."
The man replies, "But how can I? How can I return from this sin?"
The priest says, "You're not the first doctor to sleep with a patient and you won't be last."
The man nods in consent while the priest absolves him. As they exit the confessional, the priest looks at the doctor and says, "I hate to ask, but seeing as you're a doctor, do you think that you could take a look at my t**..., it's been sore for days."
The man replies, "I'd love to father, but I'm not that type of doctor. I'm a veterinarian."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Doctors are funny !
A doctor was talking with his shrink. He was feeling guilty about having s**... with his one of his patients.
I know these things happen but I just can't get it out of my mind. What do you think I can do ?
The psychiatrist looked at him intently and said Maybe you should refer your patient to another vet.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Arron Hernandez found guilty of first-degree m**...
He has been sentenced to life in prison without parole. I'm not quite sure how much longer he is going to remain a "tight end"
Classic dad joke, but in bad taste
So we were having a family dinner for the first time in a while.
My mum was saying how terrible the situation in Nepal is, when my Dad says "it's nepalling isn't it?"
I had a good laugh, feeling guilty after :(
I accused the construction man for damaging my sidewalk.
"You are going to need concrete evidence if you want to prove me guilty"
Tequila
If a guy gets drunk on tequila, and beats you up... then he's guilty of agavated assault.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A ship wrecks onto a deserted island.
Two guys and a girl survive. Since they don't have anything to do all day besides eating and sleeping, they just have s**.... Eventually the girl gets sick and dies. The two men don't know what to do with themselves anymore so they keep having s**.... After a few days of s**..., they feel guilty about what they've been doing...
So they bury her.
So the Judge says "OK, I see that circumstance and duress made you eat the endangered spotted owl. NOT guilty." Then he leans over and whispers "Between you and me, what does a spotted owl actually taste like?"
The accused says "A cross between a bald eagle and an Amazon Imperial Parrot."
Oscar Pistorius
I'm gonna go out on two limbs and say he's guilty
After being found guilty of massive tax fraud and sentenced to 30 years in prison, a world renowned clairvoyant used his short stature to escape and is currently on the run from authorities.
The headlines read 'Small Medium at Large'
The Ikea corporation was found not guilty yesterday for assassinating a rival companies CEO.
While there were several damning pieces of evidence, the detectives couldn't seem to put the case together.
What are the two things someone with a face tattoo never hears?
"You're hired"
"Not guilty"
I just went to jail for my wife's crime.
She's Chinese, which I guess makes me guilty by associasian.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Not guilty
p**... went to trial for armed robbery.
After a long drawn out trial, the jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted p**.... "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
A jury finds a man not-guilty in court...
During trial much evidence had been produced that showed the defendant to be guilty.
Upon the jury's decision the prosecutor incredulously asked the judge: "Your honor, on what basis could the jury possibly have acquitted the defendant?!"
The judge replied: "Temporary insanity".
To which the prosecutor exclaimed: "All 12 of them?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why should you be scared of a white man in prison?
Because you know he is actually guilty.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is a shark's guilty pleasure?
A mouth full of s**....
Why was the guy from 127 Hours arrested for espionage?
He was proven guilty of providing arms to Iraq
I'm a little sick and tired of people always saying that at one time or another, every single American president is guilty of something...
I mean, what about Lincoln?! After all, he's in a cent...
Guilty of Annoyance
A defendant isn't happy with
how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time.
Judge: Where do you work?
Defendant: Here and there.
Judge: What do you do for
a living?
Defendant: This and that.
Judge: Take him away.
Defendant: Wait; when will I get out?
Judge: Sooner or later.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Jehovah's Witness came to my door today.
That prosecutor is insane when it comes to getting that guilty verdict.
*A man is trying to prove his innocence in court*
Defendant: "Please your honour, I don't have a single bad bone in my body"
Prosecutor: "Well according to your medical exam it appears you have osteoporosis"
Judge: "Guilty"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"....so then my wife told me to run out and get her some Head & Shoulders"
"......nevertheless, this court still finds you guilty Mr. d**..."
A Man named McMurphy is accused of robbing a bank...
On the last day of his trial, the foreman of the jury stands up.
"Have you reached a verdict?" asked the judge.
"We have your honor..." replied the foreman. "Not guilty!"
"Excellent!" shouted McMurphy "Does that mean i get to keep the money?"
Judge: Are you guilty?
Prisoner: I don't know. I haven't heard the evidence yet.
Did you hear the one about the train conductor who pled not guilty by insanity?
He had a real loco motive
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the weirdest thing you ever masterbated with?
A piece of ham.
I felt guilty so I went to my rabbi and confessed.
He told me "you're a Jewish boy you should have used a nice piece of brisket"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You have been charged guilty for clickbait, and will now have to use the electric chair
What happens next will shock you
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Husband and wife decide to make a password...
...for s**...,
they decide on 'washing machine'.
Later in bed that night husband says,
Washing machine.
Wife replies, Not tonight darling I have a sore head.
Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says,
Washing machine.
Husband replies,
Too late it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand.
A 54-year-old man feels guilty about cheating on his wife so he leaves her a note, "I've been sleeping with a girl 1/3 my age."
The woman finds his note and leaves him one of her own:
"I know you've been sleeping with an 18-year-old, but so have I. Since you like math so much, 18 goes into 54 a lot more than 54 goes into 18."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is up for m**...
A man is up for m**... and discovers his friend a member of the jury
He asks him with great glee "will you please try and get me sentenced with manslaughter"
His friend decides to take up the request.
The mans day in court comes up and he is sentenced with manslaughter, delighted he turns to his friend ans says "was it difficult to get everyone else to go with manslaughter"
His friend replies "it wasn't easy the rest of them didn't think you were guilty at all"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Martin Shkreli's guilty verdict
Must be a tough pill for him to s**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
m**... is a lot like eating a Cinnabon
You feel guilty after both, and the cleanup is the same.
An accused criminal is brought before a judge...
The judge says, "You stand accused of stealing five million dollars' worth of gold bars. How do you plead?"
"Not guilty, your honour."
"Bail is set at five million dollars." The judge slams his gavel down.
"Do you accept payment in gold?"
What did the guilty rope say
I did knot!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jack goes to his friend Mike
Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ...
"I'm sleeping with the pastor's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"
The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.
After mass, he starts talking to the pastor, asking him all sorts of s**... questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the pastor gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the pastor...
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says...
"You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is murdered in a dessert factory.
The defendant is clearly guilty, but the investigators struggle to find the m**... weapon to properly incriminate him. Where could it possibly have been hidden? The lead investigator is at a loss, when one day he suddenly jumps from his desk as it comes to him.
The proof is in the pudding!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man was found guilty of r**... a young boy
I guess you could say that's where he made a cardinal error.
Handyman goes to court
So this handyman was caught working without a license. He was a bit of a diy guy and had decided to fix some things himself, but wasn't licensed to do so and they weren't up to standard.
In the court, the judge received a note from his assistant and immediately declare him guilty for working without a license and for bribing.
Turns out he had done some jury rigging.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
They say you are what you eat.
But when I kill and eat and innocent man, I am guilty of m**... and cannibalism?
I asked don't you feel guilty that you stole his joke...
...he said no, it's all Karma.
I don't have a Protestant work ethic...
I have the Catholic work ethic; in that I don't work... but I do feel very guilty about it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My barrister
You have to tell me the truth," my barrister said. "It doesn't matter to me if you're guilty or not, I just don't want to be surprised in court."
"Ok, I r**... and murdered those prostitutes." I admitted.
"Interesting, but can we get back to this shoplifting charge please?"
A lawyer asks his client if she is guilty because he's in love with her.
"I'm just trying to get you off," he says, hopefully not for the last time.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A serial killer plead guilty to h**...
after being asked by the judge why he would kill, the serial killer responded,
"It fills me with energy."
He was charged with m**....
A man forgot his glasses before executing a robbery.
Because he couldn't see, he was easily captured and arrested. A month later, his trial began and he pleaded guilty.
Later, his friend walked up to him whom he hadn't seen since before the robbery. His friend said, Why did you do this? The robber replied, I didn't know it was against the law, i'm legally blind!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A nun gets into a cab
The cab driver sees her in the backseat and says "I have always had a fantasy about nuns."
She answers "you and everyone else! Are you a Catholic?"
Driver says yes, so she tells him to pull over.
She hops in the front seat and gives him the best b**... he ever had. She gets done and the cabbie feels guilty and says "You know sister, I have to confess. I am not really Catholic."
"That's fine. My name is Ralph and I am going to a costume party."
[OC] Two peanuts were walking down the street
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
The assailant, a third peanut not known to the victim or his friend, pleaded "not guilty" on grounds of insanity; however, after much deliberation, he was sentenced to five years for the assault, because he wasn't a nut at all.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two men die and arrived in heaven
Curious as to why others are here, they struck up a conversation.
Man 1: Bro how did you die?
Man 2: Due to cold, and you?
Man 1: I doubted my girlfriend with another guy, searched the entire house but found none. I felt too guilty and committed s**....
Man 2: Lol, I was in the fridge
