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Guilty Jokes

156 guilty jokes and hilarious guilty puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about guilty that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Experience a funny guilty pleasure with this collection of jokes. Whether it's Guilty Gear, the culprit of a crime, or indicting yourself of guilt, these jokes are sure to make you laugh.

Funniest Guilty Short Jokes

Short guilty jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The guilty humour may include short convicted jokes also.

  1. Court decision: "I hereby find you guilty of clickbait, and sentence you to death by electric chair...... ....what happens next will shock you."
  2. Comey: He's guilty Democrats: He's guilty
    Trump: I'm guilty
    Republicans: We may never get to the bottom of this
  3. I found 20 quid outside the supermarket and I felt a little bit guilty as I picked it up, so because it's good friday I thought to myself, What would Jesus do? . So I turned it into wine...
  4. Just had the following conversation in court Judge: State your name.
    Me: Not Guilty
    Judge: What?
    Me: I had it legally changed.
    Judge: You're Not Guilty?
    Me: Thanks, I'm outta here
  5. A man has been found guilty of overusing commas The judge warned him to expect a very long sentence.
  6. The pros and cons of being overly literal PROS:
    People who profit as a result of their occupation.
    CONS:
    People found guilty of a criminal offense.
  7. The Defense pleads 'Not Guilty by reason of insanity' and loses They go to appeal and plead 'not guilty by reason of insanity' again, expecting a different result.
    They win the appeal.
  8. Who's guilty here? A wife is dreaming while asleep in the bed, she suddenly wakes up and shouts, "quick, my husband is home!"
    Her husband wakes up and jumps out the window!
  9. Lockdown was great! I didn't work, i didn't socialise, i barely left the house. Same as usual, except i didn't feel guilty.
  10. You have been charged guilty for clickbait, and will now have to use the electric chair What happens next will shock you

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Guilty One Liners

Which guilty one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with guilty? I can suggest the ones about innocent and accused.

  1. Why is the white guy the scariest guy in prison? Cause you know he is actually guilty.
  2. why should you be afraid of a white man in prison? because you know he's guilty.
  3. Why is the white guy the scariest person in jail? You know he's guilty.
  4. Which president is least guilty? Abraham Lincoln. He is in a cent
  5. If a child refuses to sleep during nap time... are they guilty of resisting a rest?
  6. Why are white people the scariest in prison? Because you know they're guilty.
  7. Your momma's so fat she went to the food court and was found guilty.
  8. Which of the7 deadly sins are lions guilty of? Pride!!
  9. Why are earthquakes always found guilty? Because they are at fault
  10. Why did the police officer arrest the popcorn? It was guilty of all salt and buttery.
  11. What do you call it when soap feels guilty? Shamepoo.
  12. Recently in court I was found guilty of being egotistical I am appealing
  13. TIL Merriam-Webster's audio pronunciation of "gullible" says "Guilty" instead.
  14. Why did the ion get arrested? Because it was guilty as charged.
  15. I feel guilty about this parasite I ingested. It's been eating me up inside.

Found Guilty Jokes

Here is a list of funny found guilty jokes and even better found guilty puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Judge: "You have been found unanimously guilty of using clickbait, and I sentence you to death by electric chair." What happens next will shock you.
  • Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion. If found guilty he'll be given a tough sentence.
  • A politician was arrested at his office and found guilty of cannibalism One of his colleagues had called the police on him after spotting him eating a ham sandwich
  • Why was the dolphin sent to the electric chair? He was found guilty of crimes against a manatee.
  • A police officer shoots and kills an unarmed civilian The officer is immediately arrested and eventually found guilty
  • My neighbor was found guilty of overusing commas. The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.
  • An Auditor was found sleeping with his client He was guilty of inside her trading
  • Why was Lorena Bobbitt found not guilty? Because the evidence wouldn't stand up in court...
  • Did you hear about the man with a laughing tic who accidentally killed someone? He was found guilty of involuntary mans(laughter).
  • The ice maker in the fridge was blocked by a large chunk of ice and wouldn't operate. It was found guilty of obstruction of just ice.

Pleading Guilty Jokes

Here is a list of funny pleading guilty jokes and even better pleading guilty puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Judge: "So, Mr Robot. Your neighbour accused you of stealing their electricity to power yourself. How do you pleade?" Robot, the defendant: "Guilty as charged"
  • The cross-eyed judge looked at the 3 defendants How do you plead? he asked the first man. Not guilty, said the second. I wasn't talking to you, said the judge. I didn't say a word, said the third.
  • If being spineless is a crime, sue me! I think, I'll just plead guilty.
    *On a serious note, I'll probably beg you to withdraw charges.*
  • Did you hear Mike Sorrentino from the jersey shore is pleading guilty to tax evasion? You could say he's in a Bad "Situation".
  • Jared to plead guilty to charges. Sorry wrong sub.
  • Why was the harvester pleaded guilty? Cause he's a cereal killer.
  • Chuck Norris once went to court for a crime, the judge pleaded guilty.
  • Rick has pleaded guilty and is willing to testify. I think the flood Gates have been opened.
  • Oscar Pistorius is pleading not guilty to the charge of premeditated m**... Frankly I don't think he's got a leg to stand on.
  • A serial killer plead guilty to h**... after being asked by the judge why he would kill, the serial killer responded,
    "It fills me with energy."
    He was charged with m**....
Guilty joke, A serial killer plead guilty to h**...

Plead Guilty Jokes

Here is a list of funny plead guilty jokes and even better plead guilty puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Jared Fogle pleads guilty to s**... with minors Now I know what he meant when he said 'Eat Fresh'

Guilty Pleasure Jokes

Here is a list of funny guilty pleasure jokes and even better guilty pleasure puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Confession: Every now and then I still enjoy listening to one of Bill Cosby's old comedy albums. Call it a guilty pleasure.
  • What is the ultimate guilty pleasure? A warm toilet seat in a public bathroom.
  • Why are inmates obsessed with ramen? Because it's their guilty pleasure.
  • I visited my boyfriend in prison the other day for a conjugal visit. It was a guilty pleasure.
  • What is a shark's guilty pleasure? A mouth full of s**....
Guilty joke, What is a shark's guilty pleasure?

Laughter Guilty Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity

What funny jokes about guilty you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean convicted murdering jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make guilty pranks.

[salem witch trials]


**judge:** You are guilty of doing magic! What do you have to say for yourself young lady?
**woman:** It's misdirection!
**judge:** Oh sorry! *"Miss"* Direction, do you have anything to say?
**woman:** *sigh* nevermind...

Heard my neighbor having s**... for what seemed like ages last night. Lots of moaning, groaning and b**... the headboard off the wall!!!

Turns out her elderly mother had fallen over, cracked her head and was knocking on the wall with her stick for her help. Now I kinda feel guilty about fapping.

A doctor had s**......

A doctor had s**... with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have s**... with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering...
"You're a veterinarian, you sick s**... fiend."

Guilty and Depression!

A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist.
"Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."
"For Pete's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."

There was a dwarf fortune-teller who was wanted by the police...

It appears he was guilty of fraud and scammed people out of thousands of dollars with false predictions. When the police put out the 'wanted' posters for him they just read as follows:
Small medium at large.

A doctor goes to confession...

"Forgive me father for I have sinned."
The priest replies, "Tell me your sins my child."
The doctor says, "I slept with five of my patients. I know it was wrong, not mention unethical. Since it happened, I've barely been able to sleep and I have no appetite. I feel so guilty."
The priest consoles him saying, "You must learn to forgive yourself."
The man replies, "But how can I? How can I return from this sin?"
The priest says, "You're not the first doctor to sleep with a patient and you won't be last."
The man nods in consent while the priest absolves him. As they exit the confessional, the priest looks at the doctor and says, "I hate to ask, but seeing as you're a doctor, do you think that you could take a look at my t**..., it's been sore for days."
The man replies, "I'd love to father, but I'm not that type of doctor. I'm a veterinarian."

Poetic Justice

Judge:
I find you guilty.
You are sentenced to ten years,
Take him away boys.
Prosecutor mutters, "Poetic Justice"

How do you find a black person?

Guilty as charged.

Doctors are funny !

A doctor was talking with his shrink. He was feeling guilty about having s**... with his one of his patients.
I know these things happen but I just can't get it out of my mind. What do you think I can do ?
The psychiatrist looked at him intently and said Maybe you should refer your patient to another vet.

Stranded on an island

Two men and a women end up shipwrecked on an island. Weeks and months go by and nature takes it's course, to pass the time, the woman starts having casual s**... with the two men.
Months later the woman gets sick and dies. As time passes, once again nature takes it's course and they men do what the have to do.
After a while they start to feel guilty, so they bury the body.

Classic dad joke, but in bad taste

So we were having a family dinner for the first time in a while.
My mum was saying how terrible the situation in Nepal is, when my Dad says "it's nepalling isn't it?"
I had a good laugh, feeling guilty after :(

Why should you be scared of a white person in prison?

Because they are most certainly guilty.

I accused the construction man for damaging my sidewalk.

"You are going to need concrete evidence if you want to prove me guilty"

A ship wrecks onto a deserted island.

Two guys and a girl survive. Since they don't have anything to do all day besides eating and sleeping, they just have s**.... Eventually the girl gets sick and dies. The two men don't know what to do with themselves anymore so they keep having s**.... After a few days of s**..., they feel guilty about what they've been doing...
So they bury her.

So the Judge says "OK, I see that circumstance and duress made you eat the endangered spotted owl. NOT guilty." Then he leans over and whispers "Between you and me, what does a spotted owl actually taste like?"

The accused says "A cross between a bald eagle and an Amazon Imperial Parrot."

After being found guilty of massive tax fraud and sentenced to 30 years in prison, a world renowned clairvoyant used his short stature to escape and is currently on the run from authorities.

The headlines read 'Small Medium at Large'

What are the two things someone with a face tattoo never hears?

"You're hired"
"Not guilty"

I just went to jail for my wife's crime.

She's Chinese, which I guess makes me guilty by associasian.

Not guilty

p**... went to trial for armed robbery.
After a long drawn out trial, the jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted p**.... "Does that mean I can keep the money?"

A jury finds a man not-guilty in court...

During trial much evidence had been produced that showed the defendant to be guilty.
Upon the jury's decision the prosecutor incredulously asked the judge: "Your honor, on what basis could the jury possibly have acquitted the defendant?!"
The judge replied: "Temporary insanity".
To which the prosecutor exclaimed: "All 12 of them?"

Why should you be scared of a white man in prison?

Because you know he is actually guilty.
Credit to /u/Ser_Rodrick_Cassel for the joke!

I'm a little sick and tired of people always saying that at one time or another, every single American president is guilty of something...

I mean, what about Lincoln?! After all, he's in a cent...

Why are white prisoners scarier than black prisoners?

The white guy might actually be guilty.

(Stolen from a comment by /u/CanadianWildlifeDept)

Guilty of Annoyance

A defendant isn't happy with 
how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time.
Judge: Where do you work?
Defendant: Here and there.
Judge: What do you do for 
a living?
Defendant: This and that.
Judge: Take him away.
Defendant: Wait; when will I get out?
Judge: Sooner or later.

*A man is trying to prove his innocence in court*

Defendant: "Please your honour, I don't have a single bad bone in my body"
Prosecutor: "Well according to your medical exam it appears you have osteoporosis"
Judge: "Guilty"

A Man named McMurphy is accused of robbing a bank...

On the last day of his trial, the foreman of the jury stands up.
"Have you reached a verdict?" asked the judge.
"We have your honor..." replied the foreman. "Not guilty!"
"Excellent!" shouted McMurphy "Does that mean i get to keep the money?"

Daughter to a father had not seen her father for 25 years...

And now he lies in his deathbed. The girl stood, weeping at the side of the bed, guilty she had not visited him in the 25 year gap.
"Dad, I'm sorry..." She said, tears trailing down from the corner of her eyes.
"Hi Sorry, I'm Dead."

Husband and wife decide to make a password...

...for s**...,
they decide on 'washing machine'.
Later in bed that night husband says,
Washing machine.
Wife replies, Not tonight darling I have a sore head.
Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says,
Washing machine.
Husband replies,
Too late it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand.

A 54-year-old man feels guilty about cheating on his wife so he leaves her a note, "I've been sleeping with a girl 1/3 my age."

The woman finds his note and leaves him one of her own:
"I know you've been sleeping with an 18-year-old, but so have I. Since you like math so much, 18 goes into 54 a lot more than 54 goes into 18."

Why did the jury decide Ester was not guilty?

Because Ester is in a scent.

A man is up for m**...

A man is up for m**... and discovers his friend a member of the jury
He asks him with great glee "will you please try and get me sentenced with manslaughter"
His friend decides to take up the request.
The mans day in court comes up and he is sentenced with manslaughter, delighted he turns to his friend ans says "was it difficult to get everyone else to go with manslaughter"
His friend replies "it wasn't easy the rest of them didn't think you were guilty at all"

Martin Shkreli's guilty verdict

Must be a tough pill for him to s**....

m**... is a lot like eating a Cinnabon

You feel guilty after both, and the cleanup is the same.

An accused criminal is brought before a judge...

The judge says, "You stand accused of stealing five million dollars' worth of gold bars. How do you plead?"
"Not guilty, your honour."
"Bail is set at five million dollars." The judge slams his gavel down.
"Do you accept payment in gold?"

A woman and a man are in court...

A woman, named Mrs. Andrews, and a man, named Mr. Roberts, are in court.
Judge: Mr. Roberts, you are guilty of the defamation of Mrs. Andrews, for calling her a pig. From now on, you are not allowed to call Mrs. Andrews a pig.
Mr Roberts: But can I call a pig Mrs. Andrews?
Judge: I see no harm in that, so yes.
Mr. Roberts looks Mrs. Andrews in the eye and says, Hello, Mrs. Andrews.

Jack goes to his friend Mike

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ...
"I'm sleeping with the pastor's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"
The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.
After mass, he starts talking to the pastor, asking him all sorts of s**... questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the pastor gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the pastor...
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says...
"You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago"

My Client Is Not Guilty.

Lawyer: My Client Is Trapped In A Penny
Judge: What Do You Mean?
Lawyer: He's In A Cent.

Handyman goes to court

So this handyman was caught working without a license. He was a bit of a diy guy and had decided to fix some things himself, but wasn't licensed to do so and they weren't up to standard.
In the court, the judge received a note from his assistant and immediately declare him guilty for working without a license and for bribing.
Turns out he had done some jury rigging.

Where do you find cos(b)?

Guilty and somehow no where near a prison.

They say you are what you eat.

But when I kill and eat and innocent man, I am guilty of m**... and cannibalism?

A cannibal is on trial for m**... and cannibalism...

He's called up to the witness stand and the prosecutor asks him if he pleads guilty or innocent.
"Innocent!" he says.
The prosecutor asks him to prove it.
The cannibal answers, "Well, you are what you eat, right? So I am an innocent man!"

I don't have a Protestant work ethic...

I have the Catholic work ethic; in that I don't work... but I do feel very guilty about it.

My wife put on a s**... cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

After a short trial, I was found not guilty.

I used to feel guilty about getting rid of old shoes until I realised they were going to a better place.

It turns out that shoes have soles.

My barrister

You have to tell me the truth," my barrister said. "It doesn't matter to me if you're guilty or not, I just don't want to be surprised in court."
"Ok, I r**... and murdered those prostitutes." I admitted.
"Interesting, but can we get back to this shoplifting charge please?"

A man is on trial for armed robbery...

The jury comes back with the verdict. The foreman stands, clear his t**... and announces, Not guilty. The defendant leaps to his feet. Awesome! he shouts. Does that mean I get to keep the money?

How do you find a black man?

Guilty

A man forgot his glasses before executing a robbery.

Because he couldn't see, he was easily captured and arrested. A month later, his trial began and he pleaded guilty.

Later, his friend walked up to him whom he hadn't seen since before the robbery. His friend said, Why did you do this? The robber replied, I didn't know it was against the law, i'm legally blind!

A nun gets into a cab

The cab driver sees her in the backseat and says "I have always had a fantasy about nuns."
She answers "you and everyone else! Are you a Catholic?"
Driver says yes, so she tells him to pull over.
She hops in the front seat and gives him the best b**... he ever had. She gets done and the cabbie feels guilty and says "You know sister, I have to confess. I am not really Catholic."
"That's fine. My name is Ralph and I am going to a costume party."

I was extremely tired and walked into a police officer the other day.

Ended up being guilty of resisting a rest.

Two men die and arrived in heaven

Curious as to why others are here, they struck up a conversation.
Man 1: Bro how did you die?
Man 2: Due to cold, and you?
Man 1: I doubted my girlfriend with another guy, searched the entire house but found none. I felt too guilty and committed s**....
Man 2: Lol, I was in the fridge

I'm in love with a woman called Clairy but I married her sister, Lorraine. I always felt too guilty to cheat on my wife, but here's the thing- she's just left me. So, I guess...

...I can see Clairy now Lorraine has gone.

I had just began to present my client's case in Court the other day when without warning the Judge slammed down his gaval, yelled "Guilty! ", and left the room.

Clearly he struggles with p**... adjudication.

going on social media these days is like going to church

after 5mins, I feel guilty af

Guilty joke, going on social media these days is like going to church

jokes about guilty