The Best 38 Guilt Jokes

Following is our collection of funniest Guilt jokes. There are some guilt hypnotherapist jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these guilt believer puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny Guilt Jokes and Puns

A mormon was having an affair with a 15 year old girl who had lied about her age, when he learned the truth he broke it off and over the next few week guilt set in and he confessed to his wife. She screamed at him,

"How could you cheat on me like that with an older woman!?!?!?".

What's the difference between Christians and Jews?

Christians get guilt from the Bible. Jews get it from their mother.

A good joke I heard a while back

A man walks in a church crying and says to the priest " I killed my sister and hid the body. My guilt is killing me what should I do?" The priest responded
"Drink some holy water"

A second guy comes in sobbing and says " I cheated on my wife and I can't tell her." The priest responded
"Go drink some holy water"

A third guy comes on laughing and the priest asks " Why are you laughing?" The man responded
" I peed in the holy water."

Guilt joke, A good joke I heard a while back

My body is a temple.

My body is a temple. I care about it three to five times a year purely out of guilt.

A doctor had sex...

A doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering...

"You're a veterinarian, you sick sex fiend."


Guilty and Depression!

A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist.

"Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"For Pete's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."

So I decided to buy nineteen dollars worth of white guilt the other day...

...or as other people call it Twelve Years A Slave.

Guilt joke, So I decided to buy nineteen dollars worth of white guilt the other day...

A woman visits her hypnotherapist

A weeping woman visits her hypnotherapist and laments, "Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and slept with another man... The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!"

To which the hypnotherapist replies, "Jesus Christ, not again!"

What do you call feeling bad about watching lame reality TV shows?

Survivor guilt.

What do catholic body builders lift?

Their guilt.

One day Bob gets a text from his neighbor...

The text reads: "Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt about something and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you aren't home. Probably more than you, honestly. I know its no excuse, but I don't get it at home. But now, I can't live with this guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."

Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.

Moments later Bob gets a second text from his neighbor: "Sorry, really should use spell check! That should be 'wifi'."

Edit for clarity.

You can explore guilt regret reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean guilt priest dad jokes. There are also guilt puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Not guilty

Paddy went to trial for armed robbery.
After a long drawn out trial, the jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."

"That's grand!" shouted Paddy. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"

Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist's office and declares, Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday 
I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!

The hypnotherapist shakes his head. Not again …

What is a shark's guilty pleasure?

A mouth full of seamen.

I Am Using Your Wife.

A man received message from his neighbour.

Sorry sir I am using your wife.
I am using day and night.
I am using when u r not present at home.
In fact I am using more than U R using.
I confess this because now I feel very much guilt.
Hope U will accept my sincere apologies.

Man went home and had a big fight with his wife.

Few minutes later he received another massage.

Sorry Sir spelling / auto correct mistake ...
it's not wife but WIFI.

A man got a text from his neighbor: "I'm so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.

I've been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."

The man anguished and betrayed, went into his room, grabbed his gun and without a word, shot his wife.

A couple of seconds later, another text arrived.
'Fucking auto correct, I meant "wifi", not "wife"'

Guilt joke, A man got a text from his neighbor: "I'm so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to co

Guilty of Annoyance

A defendant isn't happy with 
how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time.

Judge: Where do you work?

Defendant: Here and there.

Judge: What do you do for 
a living?

Defendant: This and that.

Judge: Take him away.

Defendant: Wait; when will I get out?

Judge: Sooner or later.

Teacher asked me if I felt any guilt having cheated through everything in my life.

I said I didn't since I have developed very strong copying mechanisms.

Who's guilty here?

A wife is dreaming while asleep in the bed, she suddenly wakes up and shouts, "quick, my husband is home!"

Her husband wakes up and jumps out the window!


My body is like a temple...

More like a Catholic church. Full of wine, bread, and guilt.

I think the phrase, "My body is a temple" is completely untrue...

I don't know about other people, but my body is like a Catholic Church It's full of wine, bread and guilt.

I was browsing Toys R Us and the aisles said "Girls 3-5", "Boys 5-7", etc.

Jeez, just let me buy something. I don't need the whole guilt trip about who made it.

Why do Italians and Jews get along so well?

Both cultures are based on food and guilt

What did the guilty rope say

I did knot!

I cheated on my wife tonight. The guilt is really getting to me... maybe I should confess?

How do I tell her that when she was on the toilet, I took $5000 from the bank and put two houses on Mayfair.

What is the true opposite of guilt?

Well, in a sense...

How are Cinnabons and masturbation the same

You don't want to be seen doing it in public, it is just as messy, cleanup is the same, and both have a feeling of guilt afterwards.

Who's guiltier in this situation?

Husband and wife are both sleeping. Suddenly, the wife yells out "My Husband's Home!!" And the husband rolls out of bed and jumps out of the window.

I'm working on a new book for single men who are dating..

It's called, "Guilt without sex."

Judge: "How can you live with your guilt?"

Killer: "Better than my victims."

Cashew

I was raised a Cashew. Half catholic, half Jewish. Thats right, double the guilt with none of the bacon -Professor

GUILTY!

What do you call a judge who decides the verdict before the case is even heard?
Judgemental

What did the criminal say when presented with all the evidence proving his guilt?

This totally clears me. Thank you!

What's religious Alzheimer's Disease?

It's when you forget everything but the guilt.

A doctor has sex with a patient

A doctor has sex with a patient. And the guilt is killing him, it goes against the ethics code every doctor swears by.

So one part of his brain tells him: "don't worry, you're not the first guy to sleep with a patient, and you definitely won't be the last. You're a bachelor too, it's fiiiine"

The other part of his brain says: "Bro, you're a vet"

Dr. Mike had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Mike, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of your patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Mike."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:

What's wrong with you Mike, you're a veterinarian.

An overweight criminal takes a lie detector test to prove his innocence.

This is the cops' last chance to prove his guilt.

They hook him up to the detector and tell him, "First we will ask you an obvious question and you must lie. If the machine registers your lie we will ask you about the crime and you will go to jail. If it does not you are free to leave."

"I understand." He says.

"Everyone in this room is fit except you. Do you think you are the lightest?" They ask.

He says, "Sir, I am closer to the lie test than any of you."

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotist's office

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotist's office

"I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I had an affair!" she sobbed.

"The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it never happened!"

The hypnotherapist shakes his head and sighs. "Not again...."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the guilt confess jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working guilt responsibility piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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