Guilt Jokes
55 guilt jokes and hilarious guilt puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about guilt that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh away your Catholic guilt with these lighthearted guilt jokes! From guilt trips to Communion to dearly-held regrets, these guilt-oriented jokes will make you smile while considering the complexity of guilt.
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Funniest Guilt Short Jokes
Short guilt jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The guilt humour may include short remorse jokes also.
- I was browsing Toys R Us and the aisles said "Girls 3-5", "Boys 5-7", etc. Jeez, just let me buy something. I don't need the whole guilt trip about who made it.
- My body is a temple. My body is a temple. I care about it three to five times a year purely out of guilt.
- I cheated on my wife tonight. The guilt is really getting to me... maybe I should confess? How do I tell her that when she was on the toilet, I took $5000 from the bank and put two houses on Mayfair.
- Teacher asked me if I felt any guilt having cheated through everything in my life. I said I didn't since I have developed very strong copying mechanisms.
- I wanted to divorce my wife because I couldn't please her in bed and felt guilt-ridden. A court hearing was held but she never came.
- What did the criminal say when presented with all the evidence proving his guilt? This totally clears me. Thank you!
- Cashew I was raised a Cashew. Half catholic, half Jewish. Thats right, double the guilt with none of the bacon -Professor
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Guilt One Liners
Which guilt one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with guilt? I can suggest the ones about regret and shame.
- How do guilt-ridden spies communicate with each other? Remorse code
- Judge: "How can you live with your guilt?" Killer: "Better than my victims."
- My body is like a temple... More like a Catholic church. Full of wine, bread, and guilt.
- What's religious Alzheimer's Disease? It's when you forget everything but the guilt.
- What do you call feeling bad about watching lame reality TV shows? Survivor guilt.
- Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
- What is the true opposite of guilt? Well, in a sense...
- What's a feminist favorite trip? A Guilt Trip
- What do catholic body builders lift? Their guilt.
- German heritage makes WW2 documentaries hard to watch. So much r**... guilt.
- Ramen Noodles are like m**... When you finish, you feel guilt and regret.
Uproarious Guilt Jokes to Share with Friends
What funny jokes about guilt you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean punishment jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make guilt pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A m**... was having an affair with a 15 year old girl who had lied about her age, when he learned the truth he broke it off and over the next few week guilt set in and he confessed to his wife. She screamed at him,
"How could you cheat on me like that with an older woman!?!?!?".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Yikes, I guess no one is safe.
Doctor Dave had s**... with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:
Dave, don't worry bout it. You aren't the first doctor to have s**... with his patient, and you wont be the last…and your single to…let it go!
but invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality.
Dave, Dave, Dave…
…You're a veterinarian…
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What a Night
This morning, as I lie on my bed thinking about you, I have this strong urge to grab you... because I just can't forget about last night. Late in the balmy night, unexpectedly, you came to me in my bed and what happened there still leaves a tingling sensation in me.
You appeared out of nowhere and shamelessly, without reservation, you laid on my n**... body without guilt or humiliation. You drove me crazy until you had s**... me dry. Only after you were finally satisfied did I fall asleep, but today, when I woke up, you were gone. I've searched for you everywhere, to no avail. My sheets still bear witness to last night's events, as does my body, which still shows your mark, making it that much harder to forget you.
Tonight I promise to remain awake and wait for you and as soon as you appear, I will grab you and never let you go. This time you won't disappear. And I won't rest until I squeeze the life out of you and destroy you once and for all, you d**... mosquito!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... with a patient
Doc Jones had s**... with one of his patients and felt super guilty all day. It didn't matter what he tried to get it out of his mind, it was just not happening. His guilt was just too much.
There was that little voice in his head trying to get rid of the guilt. "Jones, Don't worry! You are not the first doctor who had s**... with one of his patients and for sure you won't be the last. You are single, just let it slide!"
And then always the second little voice kicked him back in reality:
"Jones, you're a vet."
A good joke I heard a while back
A man walks in a church crying and says to the priest " I killed my sister and hid the body. My guilt is killing me what should I do?" The priest responded
"Drink some holy water"
A second guy comes in sobbing and says " I cheated on my wife and I can't tell her." The priest responded
"Go drink some holy water"
A third guy comes on laughing and the priest asks " Why are you laughing?" The man responded
" I peed in the holy water."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A doctor had s**......
A doctor had s**... with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have s**... with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering...
"You're a veterinarian, you sick s**... fiend."
Guilty and Depression!
A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist.
"Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."
"For Pete's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The honest lawyer?
The city miser was on his death bed, as his last request he asked to be alone with his lawyer, doctor, and priest. I know I am going to die he said and I would like to take my money with me, so I am going to give each of you $150,000 and I want you to each make sure the money gets in the coffin.
It was a few days after the f**... when the priest over flowing with guilt finally confided to the other two that he only put $100,000 back. I'm glad you brought it up said the doctor, because I have also been feeling guilty, I only put $80,000 back.
You people should be ashamed of yourselves stormed the lawyer stealing money like that, am I the only honest person here? Here look at this he said pulling out his check book, look I wrote out a check for the full $150,000!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So I decided to buy nineteen dollars worth of white guilt the other day...
...or as other people call it Twelve Years A s**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man's estranged father passed away suddenly...
and he was unable attend the f**.... But when he discovered that he was the beneficiary of the life insurance and with the sudden passing and him being his fathers only family, he was overcome with guilt so he contacted the f**... home to make the arrangements and asked that his father have all the best and be buried in a beautiful casket and in a lovely cemetery at the top of a hill.
Well, the next month, he gets a bill for a considerable some, which seemed fair, so he paid it. But then the next month he got another bill. He decided, sure there was probably some residual balance, so he paid it as well.
The following month he got yet another bill from the f**... home, which seemed odd. So he called them to ask about it. "Didn't you say you wanted your father to have all the best when he was buried?"
"I did."
"Well we rented him a tux."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Doctor
A doctor was feeling ashamed after having s**... with one of his female patients.
He could not get the images of his head. He was a professional, and wasn't used to this overwhelming sense of guilt and betrayal of his patient.
In desperate need of reassurance, he thought to himself as he heard a voice in his head say:
*"Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have s**... with one of his patients and you won't be the last."*
It continued:
*"Now go out there and show them that you're the best veterinarian in this whole town!"*
---
One day Bob gets a text from his neighbor...
The text reads: "Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt about something and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you aren't home. Probably more than you, honestly. I know its no excuse, but I don't get it at home. But now, I can't live with this guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."
Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.
Moments later Bob gets a second text from his neighbor: "Sorry, really should use spell check! That should be 'wifi'."
Edit for clarity.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Not guilty
p**... went to trial for armed robbery.
After a long drawn out trial, the jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted p**.... "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A doctor had s**... with his patient
A doctor had s**... with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.
But every once in a while, he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have s**... with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering, "You're a veterinarian, you sick s**... fiend."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is a shark's guilty pleasure?
A mouth full of s**....
I Am Using Your Wife.
A man received message from his neighbour.
Sorry sir I am using your wife.
I am using day and night.
I am using when u r not present at home.
In fact I am using more than U R using.
I confess this because now I feel very much guilt.
Hope U will accept my sincere apologies.
Man went home and had a big fight with his wife.
Few minutes later he received another massage.
Sorry Sir spelling / auto correct mistake ...
it's not wife but WIFI.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man got a text from his neighbor: "I'm so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I've been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."
The man anguished and betrayed, went into his room, grabbed his gun and without a word, shot his wife.
A couple of seconds later, another text arrived.
f**... auto correct, I meant "wifi", not "wife"'
Guilty of Annoyance
A defendant isn't happy with
how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time.
Judge: Where do you work?
Defendant: Here and there.
Judge: What do you do for
a living?
Defendant: This and that.
Judge: Take him away.
Defendant: Wait; when will I get out?
Judge: Sooner or later.
Who's guilty here?
A wife is dreaming while asleep in the bed, she suddenly wakes up and shouts, "quick, my husband is home!"
Her husband wakes up and jumps out the window!
What did the guilty rope say
I did knot!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm working on a new book for single men who are dating..
It's called, "Guilt without s**...."
GUILTY!
What do you call a judge who decides the verdict before the case is even heard?
Judgemental
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Doctor Kevin had s**... with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long
Doctor Kevin had s**... with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Kevin don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Kevin."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:
.
.
Kevin....
Kevin....
You're a veterinary doctor"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Doctor Dave has s**... with one of his patients...
Doctor Dave had s**... with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while, he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said, Dave, don't worry about it. You're not the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go.
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering Dave, you're a vet…
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A doctor has s**... with a patient
A doctor has s**... with a patient. And the guilt is killing him, it goes against the ethics code every doctor swears by.
So one part of his brain tells him: "don't worry, you're not the first guy to sleep with a patient, and you definitely won't be the last. You're a bachelor too, it's fiiiine"
The other part of his brain says: "Bro, you're a vet"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dr. Mike had s**... with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Mike, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of your patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Mike."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:
What's wrong with you Mike, you're a veterinarian.
An overweight criminal takes a lie detector test to prove his innocence.
This is the cops' last chance to prove his guilt.
They hook him up to the detector and tell him, "First we will ask you an obvious question and you must lie. If the machine registers your lie we will ask you about the crime and you will go to jail. If it does not you are free to leave."
"I understand." He says.
"Everyone in this room is fit except you. Do you think you are the lightest?" They ask.
He says, "Sir, I am closer to the lie test than any of you."
A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotist's office
A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotist's office
"I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I had an affair!" she sobbed.
"The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it never happened!"
The hypnotherapist shakes his head and sighs. "Not again...."
A lawyer and your client have a meet.
The client has a proposal.
If I get ten years on jail I'll pay you $3.000. If i get five years, I'll pay you $5.000. And if i get 1 year I'll pay you $10.000.
The lawyer says ok and will go negociate with the prosecutor. Than he return and says: You need pay me $10.000. We got it! Only one year in a jail. And I have Luck, they tried to not guilt you.
~~Sorry, English is not my native language. I' m try hard.~~
A man writes a letter to the IRS . . .
. . . saying "I am unable to sleep because of the guilt I feel for cheating on my taxes. I have underreported my income and am enclosing a check for $1500. If I still can't sleep I will send the rest".
