Guillotine Jokes
54 guillotine jokes and hilarious guillotine puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about guillotine that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Guillotine Short Jokes
Short guillotine jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The guillotine humour may include short electric chair jokes also.
- Back in the days when the guillotine was first used people wondered, is this what we may beheaded for in the future?
- I knew a man who was taking a trip. His destination was a guillotine.
It was a terrible place to be headed. - My girlfriend wants me to take her to Paris, and treat her like a princess The only thing is, I don't know which to pick: the guillotine or the Mercedes.
- Why do the poor execute rich people with the guillotine? So they can finally get a head in life.
- Someone asked me "why do you have a miniature guillotine?" It's for when I'm in the mood for a little head
- Was it hard to find guillotine operators? Not really, some people will do anything to get A Head.
- I was telling a great joke about the importance of the guillotine in the French Revolution... But it didn't really land.
I guess execution really is key - Did anyone else read about that Bulgarian guy that got guillotined yesterday? Dennis Hedfelov
- What's the difference between lettuce and a French nobleman from the 1700's? You don't cut a head of lettuce with a guillotine
- What did the jester say to the criminal at the guillotine? "Stay calm, and do not lose your head."
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Guillotine One Liners
Which guillotine one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with guillotine? I can suggest the ones about scissors and gallows.
- I start my new job at the guillotine factory today. I'll beheading there soon.
- I'm starting my new job at the guillotine factory today. I'll beheading there shortly.
- Landed my dream job at a guillotine factory Will beheading there tomorrow
- The guillotine was decent in theory But amazing in execution.
- I got my dream job at a guillotine factory. I'll beheading there shortly.
- The Guillotine was supposed to be ahead of its time It had cutting edge technology
- I like arriving early to my job at the guillotines... I'll be-heading there soon.
- What do you call a genius who died in a guillotine? Ahead of his time
- A man asked for directions to the guillotine festival... It's just ahead.
- The National Guillotine Convention promoted me I'm now the head
- Just got a new job at a guillotine factory. Beheading there shortly.
- I dated a guillotine once, But all she ever wanted was head.
- Well, I've just got a job a the guillotine factory... ... I'll beheading there now
- What is the deadliest kind of teen? A hungry one.
PSYCHE!
A guillotine. - What is a Guillotine ? A french chopping center.
Ridiculous Guillotine Jokes to Spark Fun and Laughter
What funny jokes about guillotine you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean grim reaper jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make guillotine pranks.
King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention.
It was a chastity belt... except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.
'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'
'Ah, sire, just observe.' said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for.
He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. 'Merlin, you are a genius!' cried the grateful monarch, 'Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.'
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.
Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.
'Sir Galahad' exclaimed King Arthur, 'the one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!'
But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless..
A priest, a drunkard, and an engineer are taken to the guillotine...
On a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the midst of the French Revolution the revolting citizens led a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says he would like to face up so he will be looking towards heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
The drunkard comes to the guillotine next. He also decides to die face up, hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Again, the authorities take this as a sign of divine intervention, and they release the drunkard as well.
Next is the engineer. He, too, decides to die facing up. As they slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, the engineer suddenly says, "Hey, I see what your problem is ..."
Three people are given the death sentence...
They are given a choice, guillotine or rifle for their execution.
The first convict states he will take the guillotine. When they setup and release, the blade gets stuck and the sheriff states "it is not your time, you may go."
The second decides on guillotine as well, the blade gets stuck and they also let him free.
The third says "Well, since the guillotine isn't working, I will take death by rifle."
The priest, laywer, and engineer
By chance, a priest, a laywer, and an engineer find themselves in line to be guillotined. They demand that the priest steps up, and he reluctantly does so. They put his head in the guillotine and pull the rope, but to everyone's surprise, nothing happens. The priest declares that he was saved by divine intervention, and they let him go.
They then make the lawyer step up to the guillotine. They pull the rope and again, nothing happens. The lawyer reminds them that he cannot be executed twice for the same crime, and so they reluctantly let him go.
Then they make the engineer step up, and they put his head in the guillotine. The engineer says, "Oh wait, *here's* your problem.."
During the French Revolution a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer were facing execution on the guillotine.
The doctor was first, but the blade jammed and the doctor was set free due to Divine Intervention.
The lawyer was next, again the blade jammed, and was also set free.
As the engineer was being led to his doom, he glanced up at the blade and said Wait a minute! I think I see the problem…
It's so hard to get ahead in life...
Especially since France stopped using the guillotine.
In 1450 London, James Fiennes, mounted on the guillotine, declared, "England will pre-"
The undertaker said "Man, stop while you're a head."
I made a joke about guillotines the other day and this lady freaked out
I told her to calm down, because it isnt something to lose your head over
What do you call a guillotine for black people?
Racist.
Also, a blackhead remover.
A priest, a fisherman, and an engineer were sentenced to death by guillotine.
The executioner told the priest he could say/do one more thing before he was executed. So the priest prays to God to spare his life. So as the priest was being executed, the guillotine got stuck. Now according to the law, if the guillotine fails to kill the person, they are set free.So, the priest was let go.
Next up was the fisherman. Seeing what had happened with the priest, he also prayed to God to have his life spared. Once again, the guillotine failed, and the fisherman was let go.
Finally came the engineer. He spends his last moments looking at the guillotine. Oh, I see the problem...
A priest, lawyer, and engineer are about to be executed by guillotine.
The priest puts his head in but the blade doesn't fall. He proclaims god has saved him, and is let go.
The lawyer is next, and again the blade doesn't fall. He states that he can not be charged more than once for the same crime, so he is also let go.
The engineer puts his head into the path of the blade, but the blade still doesn't fall. He looks up and says, Oh. I see your problem.
The executioner is going to be p**... when he finds out we lost the basket from his guillotine.
I'm telling you, heads will roll!
In 7th grade we had a quiz where we were asked "what did France set up during the French Revolution." They marked me wrong and I'm still a little upset about it.
I still maintain "tons and tons of guillotines" is a correct answer
A priest, a lawyer and an engineer are to be guillotined.
The priest puts his head on the block, the rope is pulled but nothing happens. He claims he has been saved by divine intervention and is released.
The lawyer puts his head on the block, but again, nothing happens, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and is set free.
The engineer places his head under the guillotine. He looks up at the release mechanism and says:
'Wait a minute, I see your problem...'
