The Best 32 Guillotine Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Guillotine jokes. There are some guillotine merciful jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these guillotine bandsaw puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Guillotine Jokes and Puns

What's the difference between lettuce and a French nobleman from the 1700's?

You don't cut a head of lettuce with a guillotine

A priest, a drunkard, and an engineer are taken to the guillotine...

On a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the midst of the French Revolution the revolting citizens led a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says he would like to face up so he will be looking towards heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

The drunkard comes to the guillotine next. He also decides to die face up, hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Again, the authorities take this as a sign of divine intervention, and they release the drunkard as well.

Next is the engineer. He, too, decides to die facing up. As they slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, the engineer suddenly says, "Hey, I see what your problem is ..."

Three people are given the death sentence...

They are given a choice, guillotine or rifle for their execution.

The first convict states he will take the guillotine. When they setup and release, the blade gets stuck and the sheriff states "it is not your time, you may go."

The second decides on guillotine as well, the blade gets stuck and they also let him free.

The third says "Well, since the guillotine isn't working, I will take death by rifle."

Guillotine joke, Three people are given the death sentence...

The priest, laywer, and engineer

By chance, a priest, a laywer, and an engineer find themselves in line to be guillotined. They demand that the priest steps up, and he reluctantly does so. They put his head in the guillotine and pull the rope, but to everyone's surprise, nothing happens. The priest declares that he was saved by divine intervention, and they let him go.

They then make the lawyer step up to the guillotine. They pull the rope and again, nothing happens. The lawyer reminds them that he cannot be executed twice for the same crime, and so they reluctantly let him go.

Then they make the engineer step up, and they put his head in the guillotine. The engineer says, "Oh wait, *here's* your problem.."

My girlfriend wants me to take her to Paris, and treat her like a princess

The only thing is, I don't know which to pick: the guillotine or the Mercedes.

A man asked for directions to the guillotine festival...

It's just ahead.

Well, I've just got a job a the guillotine factory...

... I'll beheading there now

Guillotine joke, Well, I've just got a job a the guillotine factory...

I dated a guillotine once,

But all she ever wanted was head.

I was telling a great joke about the importance of the guillotine in the French Revolution...

But it didn't really land.
I guess execution really is key

The National Guillotine Convention promoted me

I'm now the head

During the French Revolution a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer were facing execution on the guillotine.

The doctor was first, but the blade jammed and the doctor was set free due to Divine Intervention.

The lawyer was next, again the blade jammed, and was also set free.

As the engineer was being led to his doom, he glanced up at the blade and said Wait a minute! I think I see the problem…

You can explore guillotine trimmer reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean guillotine guinevere dad jokes. There are also guillotine puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

What is a Guillotine ?

A french chopping center.

The guillotine was decent in theory

But amazing in execution.

It's so hard to get ahead in life...

Especially since France stopped using the guillotine.

In 1450 London, James Fiennes, mounted on the guillotine, declared, "England will pre-"

The undertaker said "Man, stop while you're a head."

Why did Louis XVI flee the revolution?

He felt a bit guillotine

Guillotine joke, Why did Louis XVI flee the revolution?

The guillotine is the most humane method of execution, and it's centuries old.

It was really ahead of its time.

What does a woman and a guillotine have in common?

You're afraid of both of them, they can give you head and they can kill you.

I can see why guillotines are so popular...

They really provide you with an out of body experience!

What do you call a guillotine for black people?


Also, a blackhead remover.

What is the deadliest kind of teen?

A hungry one.


A guillotine.

I'm starting my new job at the guillotine factory today.

I'll beheading there shortly.

Back in the days when the guillotine was first used

people wondered, is this what we may beheaded for in the future?

Just got a new job at a guillotine factory.

Beheading there shortly.

A priest, a fisherman, and an engineer were sentenced to death by guillotine.

The executioner told the priest he could say/do one more thing before he was executed. So the priest prays to God to spare his life. So as the priest was being executed, the guillotine got stuck. Now according to the law, if the guillotine fails to kill the person, they are set free.So, the priest was let go.
Next up was the fisherman. Seeing what had happened with the priest, he also prayed to God to have his life spared. Once again, the guillotine failed, and the fisherman was let go.
Finally came the engineer. He spends his last moments looking at the guillotine. Oh, I see the problem...

A priest, lawyer, and engineer are about to be executed by guillotine.

The priest puts his head in but the blade doesn't fall. He proclaims god has saved him, and is let go.

The lawyer is next, and again the blade doesn't fall. He states that he can not be charged more than once for the same crime, so he is also let go.

The engineer puts his head into the path of the blade, but the blade still doesn't fall. He looks up and says, Oh. I see your problem.

What do you call a genius who died in a guillotine?

Ahead of his time

I got my dream job at a guillotine factory.

I'll beheading there shortly.

The Guillotine was supposed to be ahead of its time

It had cutting edge technology

The executioner is going to be pissed when he finds out we lost the basket from his guillotine.

I'm telling you, heads will roll!

Why do the poor execute rich people with the guillotine?

So they can finally get a head in life.

Landed my dream job at a guillotine factory

Will beheading there tomorrow

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the guillotine slicer jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working guillotine cutter piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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