Guide Jokes
160 guide jokes and hilarious guide puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about guide that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Let your river rafting, college tour, mountain climbing or fishing trips be a fun and memorable experience by learning the best guide jokes from this comprehensive guide. Find out which jokes will bring a smile to the tourist guide, girl guide, or TV guide onlookers, as you look through the brochure. Whether you are in the jungle or up in the mountains, these jokes are sure to make your journey more enjoyable!
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Funniest Guide Short Jokes
Short guide jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The guide humour may include short guidance jokes also.
- As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself... maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
- Step by step guide on how to fall down stairs Step 1:
Step 2:
Step 4:
Step 7:
Step 12:
Step 18:
Step 25:
Hospital - I've been reading a book called How To Use A ladder Well, it's more of a step-by-step guide.
- Gender neutral guide: Fireman = Firefighter Policeman = Policefighter
Mailman = Mailfighter
Fisherman = Fisherfighter - A Comprehensive Guide on How to be Like Jesus 1. Be a carpenter.
2. Be a nice guy.
3. ???
4. Prophet. - I feel like there should be a travel book for India called A definitive guide to India: The Hindus and the Hindont's
- How long will it take an author to write "The Guide To All The World's Great Beers"? It depends on how many drafts they have to go through.
- I bought a guide on the internet on how to be a thief 3 months ago I Haven't received it yet..
- About the blind man that took up parachuting. He had loads of fun, but his guide dog didn't.
- I saw a man with a cane and a dog guiding him. I walked up to him and said "you must be blind". He replied "tell me something I don't know! ".
I said "there's a tree over there!"
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Guide One Liners
Which guide one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with guide? I can suggest the ones about instructions and guard.
- I wrote a book on how to fall down the stairs. It's a step by step guide.
- I bought a book on how to build stairs Its a step by step guide
- Here's my complete guide on the art of Trolling:
- How a blind skydiver knows he's going to land? Guide dogs leash gets loose
- What's the easiest way to build stairs? By using a step-by-step guide
- I just finished 'To Kill A Mockingbird'. 1/10 Worst guide ever.
- Escalator Literature. a step by step guide to reaching new levels
- An official guide on how to walk up stairs: Step 1)
Step 2)
Step 3)
Step 4) - Link to the ultimate guide for sewing and hemming clothing. Sorry, wrong thread.
- How do you teach a kid to climb stairs? There is a step by step guide
- A guide to procrastination... I'll tell you later...
- My friends set me up on a blind date. I can't wait to see her guide dog!
- My guide dog doesn't trust me. I can tell by the look in his eyes.
- A step-by-step guide on how to parallel park! 1) Park somewhere else.
- What's the best part about a blind date? The guide dogs.
Tour Guide Jokes
Here is a list of funny tour guide jokes and even better tour guide puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I once went on a school trip to a coffee factory. We were having a guided tour around the production line but sadly one of my friends fell into the coffee grinder and died.
Luckily it was instant. - I was on a trip in Africa when I was asked to rate the tour guide. To which I responded Safaris pretty good.
- Our tour guide wanted to bring our attention to the sand stone to our right He didn't want us to take it for granite
- Batman was my tour guide in Antarctica. What can we even find around here?
Justice. - Disappear. A Jamaican tour guide standing by a quay.
- Donald Trump is threatening to destroy my family business. I don't know how to tell my kids. How is a wetlands tour guide supposed to put food on his table now?
- Why did the Louvre tour guide work for pennies? Because this docent makes any cents.
- I have four kids, so I finally shut down the factory I still give tours though. They're self-guided tours, but hey, nobody's complaining.
- I got sacked as a tour guide in Vatican City. As I was talking about the pope, we turned a corner and I said, "Ah, speak of the devil".
- I went to a brewery tour and the tour guide asked what horrible thing happened in the early 1900s Apparently women's suffrage wasn't the right answer.
Guide Dog Jokes
Here is a list of funny guide dog jokes and even better guide dog puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I took a ride last night, and I guess Uber will just hire anyone now. I had to sit in the backseat because the driver's guide-dog was riding shotgun.
- A blind person walks into a bar, picks up her guide dog by the leash and starts swinging it above her head. The bartender asks what she's doing, and the blind girl responds: "I'm just looking around"
- A blind man goes to optician for a check up. The optician takes his guide dog away, replaces it with another and asks, 'Is this better?'
- "I can see for miles," said Miles's guide dog.
- There is a blind guy called Miles, what is the name of his guide dog? Roger Daltrey.
- Why don't blind people go bungee-jumping? Because it's just too hard on the guide dog.
- Every dog is a guide dog If you don't care where you're going.
- A Man's Guide to Fine Dining A man invited a woman over to his home for a seven-course meal.
That's lovely, she said. What are we going to have?
He said, A hot dog and a six-pack of beer. - How did your blind date go? Bit of a disaster really, our guide Dogs started Fighting
- My Labrador assists blind travellers. It's a tour guide dog.
Mountain Guide Jokes
Here is a list of funny mountain guide jokes and even better mountain guide puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A nervous mountaineer looks at the steep mountain... Which his guide had proposed to climb.
- Do people tumble down often here?
- No, the guide said, one time is usually enough.
Ridiculous Guide Jokes to Spark Fun and Laughter
What funny jokes about guide you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean assist jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make guide pranks.
My cave exploring guide asked me if I'd ever repelled before.
I told him that I've been repelling people for years.
Joke about how dangerous China is
An American tourist came to China and fell into a construction ditch, he came out, injured, and angrily told the tour guide, "In America, in a dangerous area, we always put up red flags to warn people! Why wasn't there one here?"
The Chinese tour guide very calmly replied, "Didn't you already see it when you entered the country?"
Comprehensive guide to sneaking knives through TSA.
Worked 7/7 times for me so far with a switchblade.
Step 1: Be white.
Tour guide
A tour bus is going through the Highlands when the guide spots a sheep with its head stuck in the fence. He stops the bus and gets out, saying "watch this" and then bangs the sheep.
When he's finished, he zips up and asks "does anyone else want to have a turn?"
Another guy from the tour says "sure, I will" and sticks his head in the fence.
The "Age" of Dinosaurs
A woman takes her children to a museum of natural history. As they gaze with wonder at a skeleton of *Tyrannosaurus rex*, she asks a museum guide, a bright-eyed young fellow, "can you tell me how old it is?"
The museum guide responds, "well, ma'am, that particular skeleton is 65 million and 2 years, 4 months, and 25 days old."
"Amazing!" the mother replies. "How can you know that so well?"
"Well," replied the museum guide eagerly, "when I started working here, I asked a scientist working on it the same question. He told me it was 65 million years old. And that was 2 years, 4 months, and 25 days ago."
A tour guide at Giza was explaining how the Pyramids were 10,002 years old.
Someone in the crowd asked, "That's oddly specific, are you sure of that date."
"Well, yes, quite sure, I was told they were 10,000 years old when I started working here 2 years ago."
A man travels to New Guinea.
A man travels to New Guinea. He wants to see the natives, but is afraid of cannibals eating him. So he asks the guide: "Are there any cannibals left in this area?"
The guide answers: "No, the last cannibal was eaten just a week ago."
A tour bus is traveling through Nevada...
it briefly passes by the Bunny Ranch in Carson City.
The guide notes, "We are now passing the largest house of legal prostitution in America"
A man in the back shouts, "WHY?!?"
The Japanese question the names they come up with.
Guy1: "Why are Samurai without masters called Ronin any way?"
Guys2: "Because, without a Master to guide them and put them in place, they're all Ronin around."
What food guide does a Chicagoan need in Japan?
A Ramen Manual.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
the blind con
a blind man goes into a restaurant with an american bull terrier. The manager remonstrated with him about the dog he asked what was wrong he was informed that a bull terrier was not a guide dog. He started to go crazy shouting that the b**... that sold him it told him it was a Labrador.
List of the shortest books
1. The Australian Book of Foreplay.
2. Contraception by the Pope.
3. The American Guide to Etiquette.
4. Healthy Marriages by the British Royal Family.
5. Consumer Marketing Ethics.
6. Career Opportunities for History Majors.
7. My Life's Memories by Ronald Reagan.
8. Integrity by Bill Clinton.
9. The Wit and Wisdom of George W. Bush.
10. What I've Accomplished by Barack Obama.
Tour guide in the mountain
A guide was leading a group of people on a hike through some mountains. He pointed at a fairly majestic looking peak and said "This one is most popular with mountain climbers. Most days you have a few teams doing a climb. The ascent, depending on your skill level can take between two and five hours. The descent, again depending on your skill level, takes anywhere between 4 hours and 30 seconds."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked a grocery store clerk to help me find the v**...
Turns out he was my spirit guide.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Brit joke about Americans...
An American takes a sightseeing tour around London. While watching around he smiles and tells the guide:
"Listen pal, why is everything so small here? Look at this building for example. In America it would be 10 times as big..."
"I completely agree, sir! That's the madhouse."
I work as a guide at a zoo. What's your favourite animal joke?
I give tours at a zoo. Each tour goes for a couple of hours so it is good to engage the guests and make the tour a bit more fun. What is your favourite animal joke I can use at work?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How To Impress Your Boss
1. Show up early.
2. Have all the tools you need.
3. Read the strategy guide.
4. Aim for the big glowing weak spot (usually the eyes).
Kid at the museum
Kid: "How old is that Tyrannosaurus skeleton?"
Guide: "70,000,006 years."
Kid: "Wow. How can you be so exact?"
Guide: "They told me it was 70,000,000 years old when I started working here."
Jokes told by my tour guide while rafting.
* Why doesn't anyone tell knock knock jokes about America?
Because freedom rings.
* What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
* What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
* What do you call a cow with 1 leg?
A steak.
What did Douglas Adams say after he finished writing the first chapter of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy?
Ah, I've finally put a dent in that book.
A Texas man is on vacation in Europe..
As he walks along with a tour guide, they come across some graffiti where someone has spray painted 'Yankee go home!"
The tour guide flustered and a bit embarrassed, said 'sorry you had to see that'
The Texan said 'don't worry, where I'm from we don't like them either'
Niagara Falls
A guide was showing Niagara-Falls to a man from Texas and said; I'll bet you don't have anything like this in Texas.
The Texan said; nope, but in Texas we have plumbers who can fix it.
A blind man walks into a shop...
...he picks his guide dog up by the tail and starts to swing it around his head. "Can I help you!?" Asks the shop assistant. "No thanks" said the man, "I'm just looking around."
A sales assistant advised me on the liquor to buy for the holiday season recently
She was my spirit guide.
I was clearing out my loft today when I found a catalogued list of paedophiles
Naturally I was baffled to find such a thing in my loft, so I did a double take, and realised it was a TV guide from 1973.
The One-Step Guide To Be A Hipster
1.
Don't follow this guide.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My guidelines for whether or not to have s**... with a female were the same as how I chose outdoor sports.
If there was grass on the field, I played ball.
If I could bring three items to a desert island I would bring a trapping guide, a water purifier, and a car door.
With the trapping guide I could lay snares so I wouldn't go hungry, with the purifier I could have a source of clean water so I wouldn't get thirsty, and with the car door I could roll the window down so I wouldn't get hot.
I was traveling in europe
Went to Austria with a tour group and stopped at a famous cemetery, we could all here a strange sound, after afew minutes I asked the tour guide 'what's that noise?' He looked me without missing a beat and said "don't worry its just Beethoven de-composing"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My guide on how to fall down a flight of stairs..
.. In just a few simple steps
Ladies: A guide to understanding what guys say...
* If a guy says you're hot, he's looking at your body.
* If a guy says you're pretty, he's looking at your face.
* If a guy says you're fabulous, he's looking at your brother.
Bush, Obama, and Trump go on a hunting trip.
Their hunting guide instructs them to find and follow tracks and they should be able to find their quarry.
Bush follows some tracks and gets a bear. Obama follows some tracks and gets a deer.
Trump follows some tracks and gets hit by a train.
A physicist was in Las Vegas
Tour guide: Las Vegas is also known as Sin City.
Physicist: Do you know what Den City is though?
Tour guide: No, I don't know.
Physicist: Mass over volume.
I'll see myself out.
In an old castle, a lady says to the guide...
"I've heard that this place is haunted. I'm so scared!"
The guide says: "I've been working here for 558 years and I've never seen any ghosts..."
A tourist group
A tourist group is lead over a mountain path.
One of the tourists gets extremely nervous and says to their native guide:
"You really could have put a handrail on the side"
The guide answers:
"There was a handrail, but it became too expensive, the tourists always took it down with them when they fell"
I was flipping through my TV Guide and I saw a show called "Die Kardashians". I thought I had found a new favorite TV show...
Then I realized the channel was in German.
I ordered a book on the internet called "A beginner's guide to Origami".
When it arrived it was a scrunched up piece of paper.
So my wife said there's a ton of ISO's on Facebook for girl guide cookies.
I said we should post it at a boosted price because they are mint in box.
Western tourist in North Korea
So a western journalist goes on a tour of North Korea. He flies in to Pyongyang, an officially government licensed tour guide shows him around. He sees all the wonderful stores and streets that the city has to offer, and then finally he comes to the magnificent 30-story tall Kim Jong Un monument.
"Wow this is very beautiful, you must be very proud of it!" he said
his tour guide nodded— "yes, we must be very proud."
A Simple Guide to Cake Consumption
If it's 1 o'clock and you're not hungry enough to eat the whole cake, eat half of it now and the other half in an hour. You can halve your cake and eat at 2.
How do you make a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone, no dressing permitted.
(Credit goes to the tour guide on the Maid of the Mist ~1996)
A joke for Halloween
A group of tourist is visiting the remnants of an ancient castle. One lady sais to their guide:
-I'm afraid. I think there might be ghosts here!
-Don't worry. I'm living here for 300 years but I've never seen any ghosts.
I once used a toilet that had a note on it that said aim like a Jedi, not like a Stormtrooper .
So i closed my eyes and let the force guide me as i peed.
Carry A Flashlight
A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida.
"Is it true," the tourist asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"
"That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."
I was playing grand theft auto 5 when all of a sudden it crashes and an error message pops up
It read unfortunately the game is corrupted and the data will be deleted feeling sad and annoying with my 100s of hours lost I looked up online as to why it happened. I found a guide that said if you restart the game on the same console and go to the nearest garage and talk to the guy who's working on the car it can fix it. I did just that and it restored my old saves!
Thank god for that game mechanic
What happens if you can't git gud?
You git guide.
Haunted castle
A young American tourist went on a guided tour of a creepy old castle in England. "How did you enjoy it?" The guide asked when it was over.
"It was great," the tourist replied, "but I was afraid I was going to see a ghost in some of those dark passageways."
"No need to worry," said the guide "I've never seen a ghost in all the time I've been here."
"How long is that?" the tourist asked.
"Oh, about 300 years."
A hunter and his guide were deep in the mountains when they stopped to rest.
The hunter gazed at his companion and mused, "You know, I'm a pretty big fellow. If I had a heart attack or broke a leg, how would you get me out?"
"Last year, I shot a sixteen hundred pound moose way back there and got it out all right," the guide replied.
"How'd you manage that?"
"Twelve trips."
Guide: How to fall down the stairs
Step 1
Step 2
Step 6, 7, 8, 11
Dolphin joke...made it up myself today. :)
An aquarium guide brought a group of visitors around to see the dolphins, which were split up into two tanks. In the first tank the dolphins were all having fun, playing around with a beach ball. In the second tank the dolphins were training, working hard on a new trick. One of the visitors asked the guide, "So is this tank for the more serious dolphins?" The guide said, "Yes, for all intensive porpoises."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's Ted Nugent's favorite book?
The musicians guide to f**... A Minor.
A man went on a semi-guided hunting trip in the remote wilderness.
Before setting off on the first day the guide instructed him to shoot three times into the air if he should get lost. Sure enough, the man the man became lost and did as instructed. Nobody came. This continued over the course of the next four days. Finally, on the fifth day a search party located the lost man and just in the nick of time as he only had one arrow left.
How to start a fiscally successful church:
Step 1: Learn how to converse with your God
Step 2: Do That
Step 3: Prophet!!!
For an introductory guide on how to talk to your God please send 9.99 to my church address. Email for details.
What do you call a league of battling plants?
Phyte club.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Plant's Guide to a**... Asphyxiation
By Artichoke
Life is like a Zelda Game. It doesn't have a tutorial...
...But it has a bunch of annoying guide characters.
Mr. Rogers had a 9 step guide to talking to Children. I have 1 Step.
Step 1 - Don't Talk to Children
A couple mountainsclimbers where walking on a glacier.
One says too the other:"look my tour guide fell in that ravine last time I was up here". The other mountainclimber looks perplexed. "Why do you mention that so casually"? The first mountainclimber shrugs and says:"well it was already missing a couple pages".
