Guide Jokes
162 guide jokes and hilarious guide puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about guide that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Let your river rafting, college tour, mountain climbing or fishing trips be a fun and memorable experience by learning the best guide jokes from this comprehensive guide. Find out which jokes will bring a smile to the tourist guide, girl guide, or TV guide onlookers, as you look through the brochure. Whether you are in the jungle or up in the mountains, these jokes are sure to make your journey more enjoyable!
Quick Jump To
- Short Guide Jokes
- Guide One Liners
- Tour Guide Jokes
- Guide Dog Jokes
- Girl Guide Jokes
- More Guide Jokes
Funniest Guide Short Jokes
Short guide jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The guide humour may include short tips jokes also.
- As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself... maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
- Step by step guide on how to fall down stairs Step 1:
Step 2:
Step 4:
Step 7:
Step 12:
Step 18:
Step 25:
Hospital - I've been reading a book called How To Use A ladder Well, it's more of a step-by-step guide.
- As I get older I remember all the people I've lost along the way I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
- As I grow older, I remember all the people I lost along the way... Maybe being a tour guide wasn't such a great idea after all.
- As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice
- As i get older, i remember all the people i lost along the way Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't the right choice
- As I get older I think about all the people I've lost along the way Maybe being a tour guide wasn't for me
- Gender neutral guide: Fireman = Firefighter Policeman = Policefighter
Mailman = Mailfighter
Fisherman = Fisherfighter - The older I get, the more I regret all the people I've lost over the years. Maybe being a trail guide wasn't such a great idea after all.
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Guide One Liners
Which guide one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with guide? I can suggest the ones about guidance and instructions.
- I wrote a book on how to fall down the stairs. It's a step by step guide.
- I bought a book on how to build stairs Its a step by step guide
- A quick guide on "How to fall downstairs"... Step 1
Step 6
Step 8, 9, 10, 11... - Here's my complete guide on the art of Trolling:
- How a blind skydiver knows he's going to land? Guide dogs leash gets loose
- What's the easiest way to build stairs? By using a step-by-step guide
- I just finished 'To Kill A Mockingbird'. 1/10 Worst guide ever.
- A 5 step guide to falling down stairs Step 1
Step 2
Step 5
Step 11
Floor - Escalator Literature. a step by step guide to reaching new levels
- An official guide on how to walk up stairs: Step 1)
Step 2)
Step 3)
Step 4) - Link to the ultimate guide for sewing and hemming clothing. Sorry, wrong thread.
- How do you teach a kid to climb stairs? There is a step by step guide
- My guide on how to fall down a flight of stairs.. .. In just a few simple steps
- I've just written a book about falling down a staircase It's a step by step guide
- A guide to procrastination... I'll tell you later...
Tour Guide Jokes
Here is a list of funny tour guide jokes and even better tour guide puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- As I get older, I sometimes stop and think about all of the people I've lost along the way Maybe my job as a tour guide wasn't such a good idea after all
- As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I begin to think to myself.. Maybe a career as a tour guide really wasn't for me.
- As I have gotten older and started thinking about all the people I have lost on the way I'm starting to think..... Maybe becoming a tour guide wasn't the best career
- I once went on a school trip to a coffee factory. We were having a guided tour around the production line but sadly one of my friends fell into the coffee grinder and died.
Luckily it was instant. - I was on a trip in Africa when I was asked to rate the tour guide. To which I responded Safaris pretty good.
- Our tour guide wanted to bring our attention to the sand stone to our right He didn't want us to take it for granite
- Batman was my tour guide in Antarctica. What can we even find around here?
Justice. - Disappear. A Jamaican tour guide standing by a quay.
- Donald Trump is threatening to destroy my family business. I don't know how to tell my kids. How is a wetlands tour guide supposed to put food on his table now?
- Why did the Louvre tour guide work for pennies? Because this docent makes any cents.
Guide Dog Jokes
Here is a list of funny guide dog jokes and even better guide dog puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How does a blind parachuter know he's getting close to the ground? The leash on his guide dog goes slack.
- About the blind man that took up parachuting. He had loads of fun, but his guide dog didn't.
- I saw a man with a cane and a dog guiding him. I walked up to him and said "you must be blind". He replied "tell me something I don't know! ".
I said "there's a tree over there!" - I took a ride last night, and I guess Uber will just hire anyone now. I had to sit in the backseat because the driver's guide-dog was riding shotgun.
- My friends set me up on a blind date. I can't wait to see her guide dog!
- My guide dog doesn't trust me. I can tell by the look in his eyes.
- What's the best part about a blind date? The guide dogs.
- A blind person walks into a bar, picks up her guide dog by the leash and starts swinging it above her head. The bartender asks what she's doing, and the blind girl responds: "I'm just looking around"
- A blind man goes to optician for a check up. The optician takes his guide dog away, replaces it with another and asks, 'Is this better?'
- How did the blind skydiver know when he was getting close to the ground? The leash on his guide dog went limp.
Girl Guide Jokes
Here is a list of funny girl guide jokes and even better girl guide puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- So my wife said there's a ton of ISO's on Facebook for girl guide cookies. I said we should post it at a boosted price because they are mint in box.
- Why is there no 'Hot girls' guide to getting laid'? My phone number won't fill up an entire book.
- That's the last time I go to the internet for s**... tips... ...I Googled 'fingering a girl guide' and got 20 years in prison.
Ridiculous Guide Jokes to Spark Fun and Laughter
What funny jokes about guide you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean guard jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make guide pranks.
Joke about how dangerous China is
An American tourist came to China and fell into a construction ditch, he came out, injured, and angrily told the tour guide, "In America, in a dangerous area, we always put up red flags to warn people! Why wasn't there one here?"
The Chinese tour guide very calmly replied, "Didn't you already see it when you entered the country?"
Comprehensive guide to sneaking knives through TSA.
Worked 7/7 times for me so far with a switchblade.
Step 1: Be white.
Tour guide
A tour bus is going through the Highlands when the guide spots a sheep with its head stuck in the fence. He stops the bus and gets out, saying "watch this" and then bangs the sheep.
When he's finished, he zips up and asks "does anyone else want to have a turn?"
Another guy from the tour says "sure, I will" and sticks his head in the fence.
A blind man walks into a department store...
with his guide dog, he starts swinging the dog around when the manager approaches him. The manager says "what are you doing with that dog?"
The blind man say, "Just looking around."
The "Age" of Dinosaurs
A woman takes her children to a museum of natural history. As they gaze with wonder at a skeleton of *Tyrannosaurus rex*, she asks a museum guide, a bright-eyed young fellow, "can you tell me how old it is?"
The museum guide responds, "well, ma'am, that particular skeleton is 65 million and 2 years, 4 months, and 25 days old."
"Amazing!" the mother replies. "How can you know that so well?"
"Well," replied the museum guide eagerly, "when I started working here, I asked a scientist working on it the same question. He told me it was 65 million years old. And that was 2 years, 4 months, and 25 days ago."
A tour guide at Giza was explaining how the Pyramids were 10,002 years old.
Someone in the crowd asked, "That's oddly specific, are you sure of that date."
"Well, yes, quite sure, I was told they were 10,000 years old when I started working here 2 years ago."
A man travels to New Guinea.
A man travels to New Guinea. He wants to see the natives, but is afraid of cannibals eating him. So he asks the guide: "Are there any cannibals left in this area?"
The guide answers: "No, the last cannibal was eaten just a week ago."
A tour bus is traveling through Nevada...
it briefly passes by the Bunny Ranch in Carson City.
The guide notes, "We are now passing the largest house of legal prostitution in America"
A man in the back shouts, "WHY?!?"
A blind man walks into a store
all of a sudden he grabs his guide dog (seeing eye dog) by the lead and starts swinging it round his head. Horrified a store clerk runs over and says "sir what are you doing?" The blind man replies "just having a look a round" :)
List of the shortest books
1. The Australian Book of Foreplay.
2. Contraception by the Pope.
3. The American Guide to Etiquette.
4. Healthy Marriages by the British Royal Family.
5. Consumer Marketing Ethics.
6. Career Opportunities for History Majors.
7. My Life's Memories by Ronald Reagan.
8. Integrity by Bill Clinton.
9. The Wit and Wisdom of George W. Bush.
10. What I've Accomplished by Barack Obama.
Tour guide in the mountain
A guide was leading a group of people on a hike through some mountains. He pointed at a fairly majestic looking peak and said "This one is most popular with mountain climbers. Most days you have a few teams doing a climb. The ascent, depending on your skill level can take between two and five hours. The descent, again depending on your skill level, takes anywhere between 4 hours and 30 seconds."
A blind man and his guide dog go into a supermarket
He picks the dog up by the tail and starts swinging it around his head.
The manager runs to him and asks what he's doing...?
"Just having a look around thanks" he replies.
A Brit joke about Americans...
An American takes a sightseeing tour around London. While watching around he smiles and tells the guide:
"Listen pal, why is everything so small here? Look at this building for example. In America it would be 10 times as big..."
"I completely agree, sir! That's the madhouse."
Kid at the museum
Kid: "How old is that Tyrannosaurus skeleton?"
Guide: "70,000,006 years."
Kid: "Wow. How can you be so exact?"
Guide: "They told me it was 70,000,000 years old when I started working here."
Jokes told by my tour guide while rafting.
* Why doesn't anyone tell knock knock jokes about America?
Because freedom rings.
* What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
* What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
* What do you call a cow with 1 leg?
A steak.
What did Douglas Adams say after he finished writing the first chapter of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy?
Ah, I've finally put a dent in that book.
A blind man walks into a store
A blind man walks into a store with his guide dog. Suddenly, he picks the dog up by the harness and starts swinging it over his head. A surprised clerk comes up and stammers "C-c-can I help you sir?" The blind man replies...
"No, thanks. I'm just looking around."
A Texas man is on vacation in Europe..
As he walks along with a tour guide, they come across some graffiti where someone has spray painted 'Yankee go home!"
The tour guide flustered and a bit embarrassed, said 'sorry you had to see that'
The Texan said 'don't worry, where I'm from we don't like them either'
Niagara Falls
A guide was showing Niagara-Falls to a man from Texas and said; I'll bet you don't have anything like this in Texas.
The Texan said; nope, but in Texas we have plumbers who can fix it.
A blind man walks into a shop...
...he picks his guide dog up by the tail and starts to swing it around his head. "Can I help you!?" Asks the shop assistant. "No thanks" said the man, "I'm just looking around."
I was clearing out my loft today when I found a catalogued list of paedophiles
Naturally I was baffled to find such a thing in my loft, so I did a double take, and realised it was a TV guide from 1973.
(Dirty) The cavalry were riding through the plains with their Native American guide.
The Indian gets off his horse and puts his ear to the ground. He looks up at the captain and says " Buffalo come " . The captain is astounded and asks " Can you really hear buffalo from here? The Indian replies "NO, side of face all sticky!"
A blind man and his guide dog walk into a shop
He grabs the dog by the tail and starts swinging it around his head.
The shop assistant, baffled, approaches the man and asks if everything's ok.
"Fine", replies the blind man.
"I'm just looking around".
A step-by-step guide on how to parallel park!
1) Park somewhere else.
A nervous mountaineer looks at the steep mountain...
Which his guide had proposed to climb.
- Do people tumble down often here?
- No, the guide said, one time is usually enough.
The One-Step Guide To Be A Hipster
1.
Don't follow this guide.
If I could bring three items to a desert island I would bring a trapping guide, a water purifier, and a car door.
With the trapping guide I could lay snares so I wouldn't go hungry, with the purifier I could have a source of clean water so I wouldn't get thirsty, and with the car door I could roll the window down so I wouldn't get hot.
A museum tour guide points to a fossil "This fossil right here is sixty-eight million and three years old."
One of the visitors asks: "How can you be so precise?"
"I first started working here three years ago, and on my first day the head of the museum told me it was sixty-eight million years old."
A Comprehensive Guide on How to be Like Jesus
1. Be a carpenter.
2. Be a nice guy.
3. ???
4. Prophet.
I bought a guide on the internet on how to be a thief 3 months ago
I Haven't received it yet..
Ladies: A guide to understanding what guys say...
* If a guy says you're hot, he's looking at your body.
* If a guy says you're pretty, he's looking at your face.
* If a guy says you're fabulous, he's looking at your brother.
Bush, Obama, and Trump go on a hunting trip.
Their hunting guide instructs them to find and follow tracks and they should be able to find their quarry.
Bush follows some tracks and gets a bear. Obama follows some tracks and gets a deer.
Trump follows some tracks and gets hit by a train.
A physicist was in Las Vegas
Tour guide: Las Vegas is also known as Sin City.
Physicist: Do you know what Den City is though?
Tour guide: No, I don't know.
Physicist: Mass over volume.
I'll see myself out.
In an old castle, a lady says to the guide...
"I've heard that this place is haunted. I'm so scared!"
The guide says: "I've been working here for 558 years and I've never seen any ghosts..."
A tourist group
A tourist group is lead over a mountain path.
One of the tourists gets extremely nervous and says to their native guide:
"You really could have put a handrail on the side"
The guide answers:
"There was a handrail, but it became too expensive, the tourists always took it down with them when they fell"
A buffalo hunter and a Native American guide
One day when they were hunting the guide stopped, put his ear to the ground and listened, then said "Buffalo come"
The hunter asked "How can you tell"
The guide replied "Ear sticky"
I've developed a FOOL-PROOF, GUARANTEED method to lose 5 pounds or more in only MINUTES, and to keep it off PERMANENTLY!!!
Find out more in my new book, "The Idiot's Guide to Self-Amputation."
Western tourist in North Korea
So a western journalist goes on a tour of North Korea. He flies in to Pyongyang, an officially government licensed tour guide shows him around. He sees all the wonderful stores and streets that the city has to offer, and then finally he comes to the magnificent 30-story tall Kim Jong Un monument.
"Wow this is very beautiful, you must be very proud of it!" he said
his tour guide nodded— "yes, we must be very proud."
A Simple Guide to Cake Consumption
If it's 1 o'clock and you're not hungry enough to eat the whole cake, eat half of it now and the other half in an hour. You can halve your cake and eat at 2.
Carry A Flashlight
A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida.
"Is it true," the tourist asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"
"That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."
I was playing grand theft auto 5 when all of a sudden it crashes and an error message pops up
It read unfortunately the game is corrupted and the data will be deleted feeling sad and annoying with my 100s of hours lost I looked up online as to why it happened. I found a guide that said if you restart the game on the same console and go to the nearest garage and talk to the guy who's working on the car it can fix it. I did just that and it restored my old saves!
Thank god for that game mechanic
Haunted castle
A young American tourist went on a guided tour of a creepy old castle in England. "How did you enjoy it?" The guide asked when it was over.
"It was great," the tourist replied, "but I was afraid I was going to see a ghost in some of those dark passageways."
"No need to worry," said the guide "I've never seen a ghost in all the time I've been here."
"How long is that?" the tourist asked.
"Oh, about 300 years."
A hunter and his guide were deep in the mountains when they stopped to rest.
The hunter gazed at his companion and mused, "You know, I'm a pretty big fellow. If I had a heart attack or broke a leg, how would you get me out?"
"Last year, I shot a sixteen hundred pound moose way back there and got it out all right," the guide replied.
"How'd you manage that?"
"Twelve trips."
Guide: How to fall down the stairs
Step 1
Step 2
Step 6, 7, 8, 11
Dolphin joke...made it up myself today. :)
An aquarium guide brought a group of visitors around to see the dolphins, which were split up into two tanks. In the first tank the dolphins were all having fun, playing around with a beach ball. In the second tank the dolphins were training, working hard on a new trick. One of the visitors asked the guide, "So is this tank for the more serious dolphins?" The guide said, "Yes, for all intensive porpoises."
What's Ted Nugent's favorite book?
The musicians guide to f**... A Minor.
A man went on a semi-guided hunting trip in the remote wilderness.
Before setting off on the first day the guide instructed him to shoot three times into the air if he should get lost. Sure enough, the man the man became lost and did as instructed. Nobody came. This continued over the course of the next four days. Finally, on the fifth day a search party located the lost man and just in the nick of time as he only had one arrow left.
Life is like a Zelda Game. It doesn't have a tutorial...
...But it has a bunch of annoying guide characters.
Mr. Rogers had a 9 step guide to talking to Children. I have 1 Step.
Step 1 - Don't Talk to Children
I feel like there should be a travel book for India called
A definitive guide to India: The Hindus and the Hindont's
A couple mountainsclimbers where walking on a glacier.
One says too the other:"look my tour guide fell in that ravine last time I was up here". The other mountainclimber looks perplexed. "Why do you mention that so casually"? The first mountainclimber shrugs and says:"well it was already missing a couple pages".
A Blind Man And His Guide Dog Walks In To A Grocery Store.
He picks up his guide dog by the tail, and starts swinging it around over his head.
One of the employees ask: "Uhm.. Can I help you sir?"
The man replies: "No, I'm just having a look around!"
I'm a tour guide at a museum, and when I told a group that the fossil they were looking at was 65 million years and 3 weeks old, they asked me where the 3 weeks came from.
I said well it was 65 millions years old when I was hired here, and that was 3 weeks ago.
A group of people are touring an old, 16th-century castle one day.
The tour guide seems to be doing a great job, explaining things in detail, when one of the tourists asks a question.
"I heard from a friend that this castle was haunted! Is that true?"
The tour guide, without hesitation, says "Oh no, I've been here for 300 years and I've never seen any paranormal activity."
Here's a step-by-step guide on how to fall down the stairs.
Step 20
Step 19
Step 18
Step 17
Step 16
Step 15
Step 14
Step 13
Step 12
Step 11
Step 10
Step 9
Step 8
Step 7
Step 6
Step 5
Step 4
Step 3
Step 2
Step 1
Finished
There is no ghost
While visiting a spooky historic house, a lady confided in the guide that she was terrified of ghosts and dreaded meeting one on the tour.
To reassure her, the guide told her that in all the years he had worked at the house, he had never seen a single ghost.
And how long have you worked here? asked the woman.
Three hundred years.
40 blondes decided to tour London in a double Decker bus
The ones up on the top were terrified while the ones on the bottom were singing and partying. Finally the tour guide went up to the top to ask why they weren't happy like the others. One of the blondes said, "that's easy for you to say, you have a driver!"
I asked the lady at the bookstore for a guide to Turtles.
She said 'hardback?', I said 'Yeah, and like, little heads'
A tour guide is showing people around Washington, DC, when they reach the Potomac River.
"On this spot, right here," says the guide, "Abraham Lincoln threw a ten-dollar bill all the way across the river in 1863."
"That's impossible," says a tourist. "No one could throw a piece of paper that far."
"Well," says the guide, "it must be understood that money went a lot farther in those days."
The five secrets to happiness (a Man's guide):
1. Find a woman who can make you laugh
2. Find a woman who can cook
3. Find a woman who really listens to you
4. Find a woman who is good in bed
5. Make sure these four women do not find out about each other
