Guide Dog Jokes
40 guide dog jokes and hilarious guide dog puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about guide dog that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Guide Dog Short Jokes
Short guide dog jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The guide dog humour may include short service dog jokes also.
- About the blind man that took up parachuting. He had loads of fun, but his guide dog didn't.
- I saw a man with a cane and a dog guiding him. I walked up to him and said "you must be blind". He replied "tell me something I don't know! ".
I said "there's a tree over there!" - I took a ride last night, and I guess Uber will just hire anyone now. I had to sit in the backseat because the driver's guide-dog was riding shotgun.
- A blind person walks into a bar, picks up her guide dog by the leash and starts swinging it above her head. The bartender asks what she's doing, and the blind girl responds: "I'm just looking around"
- A blind man goes to optician for a check up. The optician takes his guide dog away, replaces it with another and asks, 'Is this better?'
- A Man's Guide to Fine Dining A man invited a woman over to his home for a seven-course meal.
That's lovely, she said. What are we going to have?
He said, A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.
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Guide Dog One Liners
Which guide dog one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with guide dog? I can suggest the ones about hound dog and working dog.
- How a blind skydiver knows he's going to land? Guide dogs leash gets loose
- My friends set me up on a blind date. I can't wait to see her guide dog!
- My guide dog doesn't trust me. I can tell by the look in his eyes.
- What's the best part about a blind date? The guide dogs.
- "I can see for miles," said Miles's guide dog.
- There is a blind guy called Miles, what is the name of his guide dog? Roger Daltrey.
- Why don't blind people go bungee-jumping? Because it's just too hard on the guide dog.
- Every dog is a guide dog If you don't care where you're going.
- How did your blind date go? Bit of a disaster really, our guide Dogs started Fighting
- My Labrador assists blind travellers. It's a tour guide dog.
Charming Humor Guide Dog Jokes with Loads of Fun
What funny jokes about guide dog you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean herding dog jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make guide dog pranks.
Bad Zoo
1. When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are mocking you.
2. The Bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp.
3. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat.
4. The Zookeeper always wants to take the Rhino for a walk.
5. The Lion in the lion cage closely resembles the one from The Lion King.
6. The alligator in the Reptiles exhibit is nothing more than the University of Florida's Mascot.
7. If you deposit 50 cents, the giraffe will magically appear and talk to you.
8. Ask the Tour Guide too many questions and you're suddenly dipped in some sort of sauce and placed in the Tigers den.
9. The Elephant appear to be two guys in a two part Elephant suit.
10. Two words: Hippo Dogs!
A blind man with a guide dog comes to a town square, takes the dog by the tail and starts whirling him around.
„What on earth are you doing?!" asks a passer-by.
The blind man replies, „Nothing, just looking around a bit."
Two friends run into each other while walking their dogs.
One suggests lunch. The other says, "They won't let us in a restaurant with pets."
Undeterred, the first guy and his German shepherd head into the restaurant.
The maître d' stops them, saying, "Sir, you can't bring your dog in here."
"But I'm blind," the man replies, "and this is my guide dog."
The maître d', apologizing profusely, shows both man and dog to a table.
His friend waits five minutes, then tries the same routine.
"You have a Chihuahua for a guide dog?" the skeptical maître d' says.
"A Chihuahua?" the man says. "Is that what they gave me?"
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get underway.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.
Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle.
The copilot is using a guide dog.
Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke.
After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness.
They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking.
Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once.
At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Whats the hardest part about killing a blind man?
Hiding the evidence from the guide dog.
Two blind pilots
Can't remember where I heard this - it was ages ago and it changes every time I say it...
Two blind pilots were greeting passengers at the door with their guide dogs. The passengers where quite worried about blind pilots flying a plane and were staring down the aisle as they settled in their seats. The pilots went into the cockpit and shut the door behind them. The engines started up, and everything seemed to be going as planned, so the passengers went back to their magazines and forgot about the two blind pilots in the cockpit.
As the plane roared down the runway getting closer and closer to the water at the end, the passengers quickly became worried and started to scream and yell out. With that, the plane lifted smoothly off the ground and into the air. The passengers again went back to their magazines and in the cockpit, the pilot says to the co-pilot: "One day they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die!"
Sold The Suit
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly
suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that
monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog
bit me."
Fright Flight
After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, the flight attendant announces over the intercom that, "We're just waiting for the pilots."
The passengers look out the windows, and see two men, dressed in pilot's uniforms, walking towards the plane.
Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind.
There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke.
The men board the plane and go into the cockpit.
More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers.
The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins its takeoff.
As passengers look out the window, they realize they are nearing the end of the runway!!
The entire passenger cabin begins screaming, but the plane lifts off, just before the end of the runway.
The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves, at this point believing that they fell for a joke.
In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says, "You know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
the blind con
a blind man goes into a restaurant with an american bull terrier. The manager remonstrated with him about the dog he asked what was wrong he was informed that a bull terrier was not a guide dog. He started to go crazy shouting that the b**... that sold him it told him it was a Labrador.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So this guy is stranded on an island with a goat and a dog.
Days pass.. then weeks... then months... and years pass with no human contact. He starts to crave the urge to have s**....
So he looks around and sees the goat. Comes up with the idea to have s**... with it. He positions her right and is ready for some action. But just as he is about to pull his pants down, he sees the dog just staring at him. Uncomfortable, he decides to try again the next day.
Next day comes and he guides the goat to a hill side where he would like to do his deed. Just as he's about to pull his pants down, out of nowhere, he sees the dog staring at him. He gives up again.
A few days go by and he sees a boat sinking offshore. He hears this women screaming for help. He swims to her rescue and the woman is grateful to him.
Thanking him she says, "Can I do anything to repay you."
He replies, "Anything?"
"Yes, anything." she answers.
So then he asks, "Okay. Can you take the dog out for a walk?"
A blind man walks into a shop...
...he picks his guide dog up by the tail and starts to swing it around his head. "Can I help you!?" Asks the shop assistant. "No thanks" said the man, "I'm just looking around."
A guy goes skydiving for the first time...
... and while he's in the plane he's looking at his fellow jumpers. He's quite surprised when he sees that among them is a blind man, with his guide dog. After a bit of internal debate about minding his own business, curiosity wins out and he decides to just ask.
"Excuse me, but are you blind?"
"Yes I am."
"I'm sorry to pry, but I really want to know how you know when to pull the cord, since you can't see."
"Oh, the leash goes slack."
*Told to me by a sick sick sick friend over 20 years ago.
*Pardon formatting; mobile.
Guide dogs
Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day when they pass by a bar. The first guy says, Let's go in there for a pint.
The second guy says, They won't let us in with our dogs.
First guy: Sure they will, just follow my lead.
He goes up to the pub, and sure enough, the bouncer says, I can't let you in here with that dog.
He replies, Oh, I'm blind and this is my guide dog.
The bouncer says, Ok then, come on in.
The second guy sees this and does the same thing. The bouncer says, You can't come in here with a dog.
He replies, I'm blind and this is my guide dog.
The bouncer responds, You have a Chihuahua for a guide dog?
The second guy exclaims, They gave me a Chihuahua?
A blind man walks into a shop with a chihuahua...
wearing black sunglasses and a walking cane.
A shop assistant comes over and says "sorry sir, but we don't allow dogs in here".
The man replies, "but this is my guide dog!".
"Oh.." says the shop assistant, "I thought they were meant to be labradors?"
The man says "oh god, what have I got!"
