Guest Jokes
102 guest jokes and hilarious guest puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about guest that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Make your wedding, dinner, or house guest feel like a VIP with hilariously entertaining jokes! From uninvited guests to paying guests and guest speakers, Fritz has you covered! Enjoy a great time with Fritz's awesome selection of hospitality jokes!
Quick Jump To
- Short Guest Jokes
- Guest One Liners
- Dinner Guest Jokes
- House Guest Jokes
- Wedding Guest Jokes
- More Guest Jokes
Funniest Guest Short Jokes
Short guest jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The guest humour may include short visitor jokes also.
- If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened. Noble gases should have no reaction.
- The room is 15$ a night. Innkeeper: The room is $15 a night.
It's $5 if you make your own bed.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood. - I heard the pope's first choice for a guest was in fact Hillary... But he couldn't afford her speaking fees
- Bartender asks a returning guest... You come in everyday for the past 10 years paying for the same drink with 4 quarters. Why? The guest responds with, "I don't like change!"
- Me as a server in a restaurant: "Do you wanna box for the rest of this food?" Guest says yes, so I start to put on my gloves
- Matthew McConaughey set to guest edit Breibart news next week Alt-Right Alt-Right Alt-Right
- What did the host say after her guest complimented her on her tea? Thanks, it's my special tea.
- A guest at a restaurant asks the waiter... "do you have lobster tails?"
The waiter replies: "Of course! Once upon a time, there was a little lobster....." - My girlfriend was cooking for our guests. She told me to go in and prepare the table. So I walked in and told them all about her cooking.
- Innkeeper: The room is $15 a night. It's $5 if you'll make your own bed. Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.
Share These Guest Jokes With Friends
Guest One Liners
Which guest one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with guest? I can suggest the ones about host and member.
- Who cares if you pee in the shower? The bride and all her guests, apparently.
- Say what you will about cannibals... ...but they're always eager to serve their guests
- The guest said to the cannibal Your wife makes a great soup.
Yes, but I'll miss her. - Why does a blonde put empty bottles in her fridge? For guests that aren't thirsty.
- How do bees let guests into their apartment building? They *buzz* them in
- Why is Conan's guest's face blurred-out? Oh. Never mind. It isn't. It's just Amy Schumer.
- Why did the restaurant guest send back the beef stew? It was offal.
- What is one event the guest of honor is not expected to show up? A baby shower
- Who are the worst guests at a dinner party? Vegan bitcoin owners.
- I love to watch my guests throw up. So I always put the dartboard on the ceiling.
- I asked the Riddler if I could be the host of his next party. He said, "Be my guest."
- Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
- I once knew a guy who would pole vault for his house guests It was over the top.
- Yo mama so hairy She accidentally guest starred on Finding Bigfoot
- Host: "Would you like some mulled wine?" Guest: "Let me think it over."
Dinner Guest Jokes
Here is a list of funny dinner guest jokes and even better dinner guest puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened Noble gases should have no reaction
- After a dinner party ...while taking plates to the kitchen my guest asked if the dishwasher was dirty.
I said no, I believe she showered before dinner. - What should you serve for dinner when the guest of honor will be your father who "switched teams" and now is named Ella? paella.
- My wife has some guests over for dinner and she asked me to prepare the table So I went in and told them all about her cooking
- What do you call it when a cannibal's guests leave the dinner party? a bowel movement
- A cannibal says to his guest "I'm honored to have you for dinner."
- What makes an arsonist a great dinner guest? They light up the room.
- Wife at dinner party: "my husband is always calling me Sarah Palin" Guests: "that's funny, why does he call you Sarah Palin?"
Wife: "because he hates Sarah Palin." - Son your late for dinner ( funny) We had guests
- One wish "Waiter, does your band play anything by a guest's choice?"
"Of course!"
"Let them play a game of snooker then, so I can e**... dinner in peace!"
House Guest Jokes
Here is a list of funny house guest jokes and even better house guest puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- When Chuck Norris comes into your house, you are the guest.
- Yo mama's so ugly, Sonic.exe doesn't want to play with her.
Yo mama's so ugly, her mirror says "VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED".
Yo mama's so ugly, Unwanted House Guest doesn't go to her house. - I get really embarrassed when female guests visit my house and my dog sniffs their c**.... Ok, he's a chihuahua and I have to lift him up, but it's still embarrassing.
- Sean Connery was very rude to his guests, and treated his driver terribly I went to his house once and he didn't even offer me a seat. He just kept asking if I wanted to s**... on his chauffeur
Wedding Guest Jokes
Here is a list of funny wedding guest jokes and even better wedding guest puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A wedding photographer was tragically killed today when a 250lb wheel of cheese fell off the catering lorry and crushed him. All the guests tried frantically to warn him, but to no avail.
- After being brought to so many weddings by my family I can't wait for my own! So I know who the guests are!
Or anyone for that matter. - My girlfriend and I are having a disagreement. My girlfriend and I are having a disagreement.
She wants a huge wedding with 500 guests and a piano player… I want us to see other people.
Uproarious Guest Jokes to Share with Friends
What funny jokes about guest you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean gift jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make guest pranks.
Guest to the waiter: Can you bring me what the lady at the next table is having?
Waiter: Sorry, sir, but I'm pretty sure she wants to eat it herself.
A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton...
A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper "Black pepper, or white pepper? " asked the concierge. "Toilette pepper! "
At a cocktail party...
an obstetrician's wife noticed that another guest, a big, oversexed blonde in a slinky red dress, was making overtures at her husband. As it was a large, informal gathering, she tried to laugh it off, until she saw the woman begin whispering into her husband's ear while her hand caressed his back.
At once she confronted the blonde b**... and screamed, "Look, lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn't INSTALL them!"
What happens when you take the tea away from your guest?
He's left there trying to "guess" what happened.
A fine-looking gentleman sat down in...
...the main dining room of an expensive restaurant. He ordered a big dinner and spent an hour enjoying himself.
After he was given the check, he summoned the headwaiter. "Ah, my friend," he said, "that was a delicious meal! Perhaps you don't remember that I was a guest at this same table just about a year ago. And at that time I couldn't pay the check, so you, sir had me thrown out in full view of all the other diners!"
"I am so sorry, sir" said the head waiter. "But, you understand-"
"Oh it's quite all right," interrupted the gentleman, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again."
What did the hotel clerk tell the guest with paruresis during check in?
Your in 8.
New guest at the potluck.
New guest: I brought a casserole!
*Opening the container shows that everything is burnt.
Fellow guest: It's ok, I've bratwurst...
A guest calls the front desk of a hotel:
and says my wife wants to commit s**... by jumping out of the window.
The receptionist: sir, this is a private matter. Please call the cops.
Guest: no. i need a maintenance guy. Your window doesnt open.
Guests are like fish
After three days, you should probably get rid of them.
A Hotel guest calls the front desk
and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"
The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858.
You need to send someone to my room immediately.
I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."
The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."
The man replies, "Listen you idiot.
The window won't open and that's a maintenance matter."
Whats the worst the thing about having to attend a f**...?
The guest of honor always shows up late!
Middle of the night...
Middle of the night asking a guest at a party after the time. The host says: "My watches are unfortunately broken, but we did the same!" He opens the window, brings his trumpet and begins to play. As a neighbor opens his window and yells: "Are you mad? It is at half past two! "
In 1940 Russia, a poor man with no car was late to his daughter's wedding. He hitchhiked there with an unexpected guest who drove very slowly. What did he tell his daughter?
"Sorry I'm late. My ride was Stalin."
Husband: Guests are coming tonight.
What's for dinner?
Wife:I am not well today, so there's only green beans.
Husband:No worry. I have an idea. When the guests arrives you'll welcome them and I'll go to the kitchen and drop one utensil and then you'll say "what happen" . Then I'll say "oh no!! I dropped the chicken " . Then again drop another utensil and say "I dropped the spaghetti. Now we only left with green beans."
*Guest arrives*
Wife: Welcome. Please make yourself comfortable.
* loud sound comes from the kitchen *
Wife: Everything alright, honey?
Husband: Sh**t. I dropped the beans.
In a hotel room in London, the room service boy knocks on the door,
And says "here are your Pringles sir" The Arab guest looks at the box of potato chips for a few minutes appearing confused. Finally he says, "Wallah Habibi, I said bring girls"
The guests in the hotel room I'm cleaning are always stealing all the soaps, shower gels and shampoos from their rooms...
Dirty b**...!
Guests, like fish....
must be salted after 3 days
Did you hear about the musicians who murdered a guest at the concert?
It was very cleverly orchestrated.
Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin meet with guests at the White House
One of the guests asks: Mister President, what are you talking about with president Putin? – We are planning World War III.' - 'And what does it look like?' – Trump: We will kill 4 million Muslims and a dentist... The guest looks a bit confused: Why a dentist? - Putin claps Trump on the back and says, What did I tell you, Donald? No one will ask about the Muslims.
French Pepper
A french guest was in a hotel. He phoned room service for some pepper.
"Black pepper or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"toilet pepper!"
Guy with a lisp turns up to a dinner party carrying a selection of cheeses and a couple of ducks under his arm
The host says, "thanks for bringing the cheese, but why the ducks?"
The guest replies, "can't have cheese without cwackers"
A Chinese businessman is entertaining his guest from England
Each time the Chinese lifts the glass, the says to his English associate: Kan Pei! 干杯 (Cheers)
The Englishman is stunned, but he continues eating.
It keeps recurring, each time the Chinese wants to drink, he exclaims: Kan Pei!
Finally, the English puts down his cutlery and says aloud to his Chinese associate: It's alright if you CAN'T PAY! I will! Now, shut up and eat!!
An old Soviet joke..
An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet–Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland." When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests; the painting depicts Nadezhda Krupskaya (Lenin's wife) n**... in bed with Leon Trotsky. One guest asks, "But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" To which the painter replies, "Lenin is in Poland."
The Guest
Q: Who did the scary ghost invite to his party?
A: Any old friend he could dig up!
A nutritionist throws a party
A few minutes in, the doorbell rings. One guest walks up to the door and says,"It's Thomas from work!"
"Well," replied the nutritionist, "In-vitamin."
What did Christopher Guest say to Millie Bobby Brown when he gave her a dollar?
This 1 goes to Eleven.
Guest at a restaurant!
Guest at a restaurant: I refuse to eat this roast beef. Please call the manager!
Waiter: That's no use. He won't eat it either.
I was staying at a fancy hotel....
...and it said in the Guest Services, "Dial *75 for Turn-Down Service". So, I dialed *75.
A woman answered the phone saying, "I wouldn't go out with you if you were the last man on earth!"
It's nice that while I'm traveling, I can still get some things that remind me of home.
Going to look at an apartment
Guest: Does this apartment come with a dishwasher?
Landlord: No, that's why we posted an ad...
Why did Harry Potter have to go to Diagon Alley before going to Hogwarts?
He didn't want to be an unwanded guest.
I had to magic up some Italian food for an unexpected guest.
I just mixed garlic, nuts, basil, cheese, and olive oil, and *Hey Pesto!*
A guest calls the waiter and complains, How come there are no chairs at our table?!
The waiter shrugs, I'm sorry but you only booked one table…
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Why is phone s**... like being a good guest?
You always call before you come
Dr visits an Indian Tribe
A big city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men, he asks "How do you guys relieve your s**... tension?" "Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have s**... with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc?" "We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."
My wife hates the fact that we never have visitors.
I never would have guest
What did the scythe say about his morning to the farmer letting him sleep in the guest room?
Tomorrow I must Reap, host.
I'll see myself out.....
A guy walks into a hotel
He asks at the front desk for his reservation .
The manager asks about his details and then gives him the key.
The guest then takes his room key and goes into the elevator.
After half an hour he comes back and angrily complains the manger that he couldn't find his room
The manager calmly replies," Well what did you expect when you booked room 404?."
In London, at a hotel, the American guest asks the person at the desk:
Where is the elevator?
Oh, you mean the lift, sir?
No, I meant the elevator because we, the Americans, invented it!
Indeed, sir, indeed, but we, the British, invented the language!
Whenever we had guests over, my wife would get embarrassed because I have the mind of a child.
In a jar. On the coffee table. (Credit to Stephen King for this one)
When the "Whose Line is It Anyway" star was publicly derided by a phone guest, it was...
A call-in mockery!
Ordering octopus at a restaurant
A man goes into a restaurant and he orders octopus from the seafood menu. The waiter says that's all right, but he has to warn the guest, it takes four hours to prepare.
"Why does it take so long to prepare octopus? Is it hard to cook?"
"Not really, but the octopuses keep turning down the gas."
Kanye West
After a long day of work, Kanye West goes to his Kanye Nest to take his Kanye Rest. He wakes up feeling his Kanye Best. Then he'll get Kanye Dressed on his Kanye Vest to go on a Kanye Quest. He goes to church and becomes Kanye Blessed, then to a hotel room to be a Kanye Guest. Then to school to take his Kanye Test. He forgot to brush his teeth. Did he run out of Kanye Crest? His neighbor stole it, what a Kanye Pest.
A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks "How do you guys relieve your s**... tension?
"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first."
The doctor not knowing what to do stands cluelessly until a tribesman explains to him: " Use the donkey".
The doctor: " what?"
"Yes use it, mount it"
The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have s**... with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc? We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."
A guest is ordering at a restaurant, Do you think you could bring me what that gentleman over there is having?
The waiter looks at him sternly, No sir, I'm very sure he intends to eat it himself".
A big city doctor visits an indigenous tribe of only men,
He asks "How do you guys relieve your s**... tension?"
"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you."
The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey.
The leader of the tribe says "Since you're our guest you get to go first.".
The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have s**... with the donkey.
15 min pass, then one of the tribeman in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc?"
"We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."
I was recently informed that I am a terrible host.
I appreciated their honesty because otherwise I never would have guest.
A World War 2 joke
Stalin and h**... died and were recieved in h**... by Satan.
Satan asked them to wait in the guest cabin, because he had to search for the worst place in h**... for both of them (it had been a long time since some one so evil had come to his abode) .
While waiting, h**... got bored and asked Stalin to tell him a joke.
Stalin said one word, "Moscow."
h**..., after a long and hard thought, replied, "I don't get it."
Stalin laughs merrily and says, "Exactly."
I'm weirdly turned on by songs with guest performers...
I might have a feat. f**...
Albert Einstein was running 20 minutes late as a guest speaker at a science conference.
He finally arrived apologizing profusely.
Einstein: "I am so terribly sorry you all had to wait. Anyway, here's my presentation."
Host: "It's about time."
Einstein: "And space!"
A man was proudly showing his new apartment to some friends, he had invited over last night.
They go to the bedroom and there is a big brass gong in the corner.
One of the guests asks, "What is that gong for?"
The host replies, "That is the talking clock."
Impressed, the guest asks again, "How does it work?"
The host says, "Watch", and hits the gong hard with a hammer.
From the other side of the wall, someone screams, "For gods sake, you idiot, it's 2 am in the morning."
I made a joke in my dream last night and I still think it's funny.
I was staying at my grandmother's house, and there were wasps in my guest room. Went to the kitchen and informed her. "Are there a lot of them?" She asked.
"There's so many wasps that they're starting a country club!"
Mid age humor..
The guest of a famous painter, who was also known for having ugly children, remarked, "The people in your paintings are much more beautiful than your children". To which the painter replied: I make the pictures in the light, the children in the dark.
