The Best 69 Guest Jokes
Following is our collection of funniest Guest jokes. There are some guest prepare jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these guest hotel puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Funny Guest Jokes and Puns
Guest to the waiter: Can you bring me what the lady at the next table is having?
Waiter: Sorry, sir, but I'm pretty sure she wants to eat it herself.
A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton...
A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper "Black pepper, or white pepper? " asked the concierge. "Toilette pepper! "
At a cocktail party...
an obstetrician's wife noticed that another guest, a big, oversexed blonde in a slinky red dress, was making overtures at her husband. As it was a large, informal gathering, she tried to laugh it off, until she saw the woman begin whispering into her husband's ear while her hand caressed his back.
At once she confronted the blonde bimbo and screamed, "Look, lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn't INSTALL them!"
The guest said to the cannibal
Your wife makes a great soup.
Yes, but I'll miss her.
What happens when you take the tea away from your guest?
He's left there trying to "guess" what happened.
A fine-looking gentleman sat down in...
...the main dining room of an expensive restaurant. He ordered a big dinner and spent an hour enjoying himself.
After he was given the check, he summoned the headwaiter. "Ah, my friend," he said, "that was a delicious meal! Perhaps you don't remember that I was a guest at this same table just about a year ago. And at that time I couldn't pay the check, so you, sir had me thrown out in full view of all the other diners!"
"I am so sorry, sir" said the head waiter. "But, you understand-"
"Oh it's quite all right," interrupted the gentleman, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again."
I asked the Riddler if I could be the host of his next party.
He said, "Be my guest."
What did the hotel clerk tell the guest with paruresis during check in?
Your in 8.
New guest at the potluck.
New guest: I brought a casserole!
*Opening the container shows that everything is burnt.
Fellow guest: It's ok, I've bratwurst...
Bartender asks a returning guest...
You come in everyday for the past 10 years paying for the same drink with 4 quarters. Why? The guest responds with, "I don't like change!"
A guest calls the front desk of a hotel:
and says my wife wants to commit suicide by jumping out of the window.
The receptionist: sir, this is a private matter. Please call the cops.
Guest: no. i need a maintenance guy. Your window doesnt open.
You can explore guest vip reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean guest visitor dad jokes. There are also guest puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Guests are like fish
After three days, you should probably get rid of them.
What do you call a coast ghost that's a guest at a celebrity ghost roast?
A ghost toastie!
A Hotel guest calls the front desk
and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"
The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858.
You need to send someone to my room immediately.
I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."
The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."
The man replies, "Listen you idiot.
The window won't open and that's a maintenance matter."
Whats the worst the thing about having to attend a funeral?
The guest of honor always shows up late!
Middle of the night...
Middle of the night asking a guest at a party after the time. The host says: "My watches are unfortunately broken, but we did the same!" He opens the window, brings his trumpet and begins to play. As a neighbor opens his window and yells: "Are you mad? It is at half past two! "
A guest at a restaurant asks the waiter...
"do you have lobster tails?"
The waiter replies: "Of course! Once upon a time, there was a little lobster....."
I heard the Pope's first choice for a guest was in fact Hillary...
But he couldn't afford her speaking fees
After a dinner party
...while taking plates to the kitchen my guest asked if the dishwasher was dirty.
I said no, I believe she showered before dinner.
In 1940 Russia, a poor man with no car was late to his daughter's wedding. He hitchhiked there with an unexpected guest who drove very slowly. What did he tell his daughter?
"Sorry I'm late. My ride was Stalin."
Husband: Guests are coming tonight.
What's for dinner?
Wife:I am not well today, so there's only green beans.
Husband:No worry. I have an idea. When the guests arrives you'll welcome them and I'll go to the kitchen and drop one utensil and then you'll say "what happen" . Then I'll say "oh no!! I dropped the chicken " . Then again drop another utensil and say "I dropped the spaghetti. Now we only left with green beans."
*Guest arrives*
Wife: Welcome. Please make yourself comfortable.
* loud sound comes from the kitchen *
Wife: Everything alright, honey?
Husband: Sh**t. I dropped the beans.
In a hotel room in London, the room service boy knocks on the door,
And says "here are your Pringles sir" The Arab guest looks at the box of potato chips for a few minutes appearing confused. Finally he says, "Wallah Habibi, I said bring girls"
The guests in the hotel room I'm cleaning are always stealing all the soaps, shower gels and shampoos from their rooms...
Dirty bastards!
Guests, like fish....
must be salted after 3 days
The room is 15$ a night.
Innkeeper: The room is $15 a night.
It's $5 if you make your own bed.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.
What did the host say after her guest complimented her on her tea?
Thanks, it's my special tea.
Matthew McConaughey set to guest edit Breibart news next week
Alt-Right Alt-Right Alt-Right
Did you hear about the musicians who murdered a guest at the concert?
It was very cleverly orchestrated.
Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin meet with guests at the White House
One of the guests asks: Mister President, what are you talking about with president Putin? β We are planning World War III.' - 'And what does it look like?' β Trump: We will kill 4 million Muslims and a dentist... The guest looks a bit confused: Why a dentist? - Putin claps Trump on the back and says, What did I tell you, Donald? No one will ask about the Muslims.
What is one event the guest of honor is not expected to show up?
A baby shower
French Pepper
A french guest was in a hotel. He phoned room service for some pepper.
"Black pepper or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"toilet pepper!"
Guy with a lisp turns up to a dinner party carrying a selection of cheeses and a couple of ducks under his arm
The host says, "thanks for bringing the cheese, but why the ducks?"
The guest replies, "can't have cheese without cwackers"
What makes an arsonist a great dinner guest?
They light up the room.
A Chinese businessman is entertaining his guest from England
Each time the Chinese lifts the glass, the says to his English associate: Kan Pei! εΉ²ζ― (Cheers)
The Englishman is stunned, but he continues eating.
It keeps recurring, each time the Chinese wants to drink, he exclaims: Kan Pei!
Finally, the English puts down his cutlery and says aloud to his Chinese associate: It's alright if you CAN'T PAY! I will! Now, shut up and eat!!
An old Soviet joke..
An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating SovietβPolish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland." When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests; the painting depicts Nadezhda Krupskaya (Lenin's wife) naked in bed with Leon Trotsky. One guest asks, "But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" To which the painter replies, "Lenin is in Poland."
Yo mama so hairy
She accidentally guest starred on Finding Bigfoot
What should you serve for dinner when the guest of honor will be your father who "switched teams" and now is named Ella?
Paella.
The Guest
Q: Who did the scary ghost invite to his party?
A: Any old friend he could dig up!
A nutritionist throws a party
A few minutes in, the doorbell rings. One guest walks up to the door and says,"It's Thomas from work!"
"Well," replied the nutritionist, "In-vitamin."
A cannibal says to his guest
"I'm honored to have you for dinner."
What did Christopher Guest say to Millie Bobby Brown when he gave her a dollar?
This 1 goes to Eleven.
Guest at a restaurant!
Guest at a restaurant: I refuse to eat this roast beef. Please call the manager!
Waiter: That's no use. He won't eat it either.
I was staying at a fancy hotel....
...and it said in the Guest Services, "Dial *75 for Turn-Down Service". So, I dialed *75.
A woman answered the phone saying, "I wouldn't go out with you if you were the last man on earth!"
It's nice that while I'm traveling, I can still get some things that remind me of home.
Going to look at an apartment
Guest: Does this apartment come with a dishwasher?
Landlord: No, that's why we posted an ad...
Why did Harry Potter have to go to Diagon Alley before going to Hogwarts?
He didn't want to be an unwanded guest.
I had to magic up some Italian food for an unexpected guest.
I just mixed garlic, nuts, basil, cheese, and olive oil, and *Hey Pesto!*
A guest calls the waiter and complains, How come there are no chairs at our table?!
The waiter shrugs, I'm sorry but you only booked one tableβ¦
Β―\_(γ)_/Β―
Why is phone sex like being a good guest?
You always call before you come
Dr visits an Indian Tribe
A big city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men, he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?" "Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc?" "We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."
My guests were complaining about the small amount of tea I served them...
I just told them "quali-tea over quanti-tea"
When guests leave your event, it's polite to say, Thanks for coming
But when I say it after sex, she just says I didn't
A German host said to his English guest, who was obviously not enjoying his meal:" i am sorry you don't like our food.
But I'm afraid the wurst is yet to come."
A guest is like rain...
...both are inconvenient for the duration.
CNN hardest hit by recurring guest Michael Avenatti's domestic abuse scandal
Correction: second-hardest
My wife hates the fact that we never have visitors.
I never would have guest
Host: "Would you like some mulled wine?"
Guest: "Let me think it over."
At an awards function I asked a guest to give a shoutout to my magazine on its 10th anniversary.
He looked at the camera, shouted out my magazine's name really loudly & walked away.
What did the hotel keeper tell the guest who was complaining about cockroaches?
"It's not a bug, it's a feature."
What did the scythe say about his morning to the farmer letting him sleep in the guest room?
Tomorrow I must Reap, host.
I'll see myself out.....
A guy walks into a hotel
He asks at the front desk for his reservation .
The manager asks about his details and then gives him the key.
The guest then takes his room key and goes into the elevator.
After half an hour he comes back and angrily complains the manger that he couldn't find his room
The manager calmly replies," Well what did you expect when you booked room 404?."
In London, at a hotel, the American guest asks the person at the desk:
Where is the elevator?
Oh, you mean the lift, sir?
No, I meant the elevator because we, the Americans, invented it!
Indeed, sir, indeed, but we, the British, invented the language!
Whenever we had guests over, my wife would get embarrassed because I have the mind of a child.
In a jar. On the coffee table. (Credit to Stephen King for this one)
When the "Whose Line is It Anyway" star was publicly derided by a phone guest, it was...
A call-in mockery!
Ordering octopus at a restaurant
A man goes into a restaurant and he orders octopus from the seafood menu. The waiter says that's all right, but he has to warn the guest, it takes four hours to prepare.
"Why does it take so long to prepare octopus? Is it hard to cook?"
"Not really, but the octopuses keep turning down the gas."
Kanye West
After a long day of work, Kanye West goes to his Kanye Nest to take his Kanye Rest. He wakes up feeling his Kanye Best. Then he'll get Kanye Dressed on his Kanye Vest to go on a Kanye Quest. He goes to church and becomes Kanye Blessed, then to a hotel room to be a Kanye Guest. Then to school to take his Kanye Test. He forgot to brush his teeth. Did he run out of Kanye Crest? His neighbor stole it, what a Kanye Pest.
A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?
"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first."
The doctor not knowing what to do stands cluelessly until a tribesman explains to him: " Use the donkey".
The doctor: " what?"
"Yes use it, mount it"
The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc? We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."
A guest is ordering at a restaurant, Do you think you could bring me what that gentleman over there is having?
The waiter looks at him sternly, No sir, I'm very sure he intends to eat it himself".
Innkeeper: The room is $15 a night. It's $5 if you'll make your own bed.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.
A big city doctor visits an indigenous tribe of only men,
He asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"
"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you."
The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey.
The leader of the tribe says "Since you're our guest you get to go first.".
The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey.
15 min pass, then one of the tribeman in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc?"
"We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the guest waiter jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working guest lodge piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.