Guess Jokes

I was on a plane and the air hostess said, "Want some headphones?"

I said, "Blimey. How'd you guess that my name is Phones?"

So the essay portion of the SATs will be dropped in 2016...

I guess we'll just have to call them the Ts.

I don't know why I broke up with my girl at the gym...

I guess we just weren't working out.

My little sister made a face at my mom and said "Guess who I am?"

My mom answered "Who?"
"Your daughter"
courtesy of my 4 year old sister about 20 minutes ago

Met a cute guy at the bar, gave him my number and told him to text me when he got home

I guess he's homeless.

When 2 people have s**... it's called a twosome. When 3 people do it it's called a threesom

I guess that's why they call me handsome...

It's crazy how sexist the postal service is.

I guess that's natural with such a mail dominated industry.

My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up.

Guess who's not allowed in my tree house anymore.

My parents always tell me that their world doesn't revolve around me

I guess that means that I'm not actually their sun :(

If s**... with three people is called a t**... and s**... with four people is called a f**..., I guess now it's clear why everyone calls me handsome.

So I saw that the new dinosaur in Jurassic Park is a hybrid

Guess that makes it Priustoric

Saw a h**... on the street who said she'd do anything for $50.

Guess who got the front porch repainted.

Did you know condoms have serial numbers?

Oh, I guess you've never rolled one down far enough.

My lesbian neighbors got me a Rolex for Christmas

I guess they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

A guy takes his date to the carnival...

....and asks his date what she wants to do. She replies "I want to get weighed." So he takes her to the Guess Your Weight booth and continue their date.
They go on a few more rides and again he asks her what she wants to do. "I wanna get weighed" she says once again. So they get her weighed again and go one a few more rides and then he takes her home.
When she gets home, her mother asks her how her date went.
She replied, "Wousy"

Mom finds a large number of b**... magazines beneath her sons bed.

Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss.
"What do you think we should do?" she asks.
Father frowns and responds "Well I guess spanking him is out of the question"

Two blondes meet at a busy chicken market

A: If I can guess how many chickens you have in that bag, can I have one?
B: You can have both
A: Three

My wife said she is leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants...

Guess I won't be needing those anymore.

Two kids were wondering if God is black or white..

So they prayed and asked him. A booming voice from the heavens answered "I am what I am." One kid said, "Well, I guess he's white." The other said, "How can you tell?" "Well, if he was black, he would've answered, 'I is what I is.'"

8-year old Alex had a crush on his teacher, so he stayed behind in recess.

The teacher asked Alex if something was wrong, since he wasn't out with the others.
"It's because I'm in love with you, Alex told her.
"Well," the teacher replied - "What If I don't like small children?".
"Then...we'll just have to be careful, I guess".

So, I brought my girlfriend some flowers today...

she looked at me, sighed and said, "I guess I'll have to spread my legs now."
so I asked her, "why, don't you have a vase?"
hahahahaha
just kidding...
I don't have a girlfriend

A polar bear walks into a bar.

The bartender asks what he'll have.
The bear says "I guess I'll have a................beer."
The bartender asks "Why the big pause?"
The polar shrugs. "I don't know, I was born with 'em."

What's in a name?

A pregnant woman lapses into a coma. She awakens and frantically calls for her doctor. "You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're fine," he says. "Your brother named them."
Oh, no, the new mother thinks. He's an idiot. Expecting the worst, she asks, "What's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
Not bad, she thinks. I guess I was wrong about him. "And the boy?"
"DeNephew."

A guy gets taken to his cell on his first day of prison...

...he meets his cellmate for the first time, a huge hulk of a man, who turns to him and says, 'We're gonna play a game, a game of mommies and daddies... Do you wanna be the mommy or the daddy?'
The new convict relunctantly replies, 'I guess I'll, ...I'll be the, ...the daddy?...'
The inmate smiles and says 'Fantastic! ...Now come over here and s**... mommy's c**...'.

Just found out I was dating a c**...

Guess I should've noticed the red flags earlier

Did you hear about the Italian Chef who died?

He pasta way.
I never sausage a tragic thing.
He is now a pizza history.
Sending olive my support to his family.
We cannoli do so much though.
I feel for his wife. Cheese still not over it.
I guess he just ran out of thyme.

A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament

Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?
Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.
Interviewer: and what about the rest?
Poker player: Well... I guess they'll have to wait..

A p**... walked up to me and said, "I'll do anything you want if you give me $30"

Guess who's getting his porch repainted!

Today I saw this absolutely stunning color that I've never seen before! It was indescribable, but when I blinked, it disappeared.

I guess it was just a pigment of my imagination.

Gunpowder therapy

A boy goes to his grandfather and says "Grandpa, how did you ever get so old?"
"Well," replies the grandfather, "every morning, I pour a teaspoon of gunpowder into my coffee, and I guess that's the reason." So the boy begins drinking coffee and doing the same.
90 years pass, and the boy dies having reached the age of 95. He left behind 3 kids, 5 grandkids, 4 great grandkids, several million dollars, and a 60 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Two blondes meet on a village road.

One of the blondes was carrying a large gunny bag over her shoulder.
'Hey there,' hailed second blonde, 'what is in the bag?'
'Chickens,' came the reply.
'If I guess how many, can I have one?'
'You can have both of them.'
'OK.. five?' Said the second blonde.

I jokingly told my friend I was collecting the corpses of past emperors of Russia and dumping them into a giant ravine, but he thought I was serious and asked what was wrong with me.

I guess he just doesn't understand tsar chasm.

My lesbian GF and I s**... at saving

Guess we need to stop eating out

Met a p**... who said she'll do anything for $50...

Guess who just got Darth Vader unlocked...

I got yelled at in LA today for singing Christmas Carols.

I guess they don't wanna hear about how the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful.

My joke about capital punishment got downvoted.

I guess it was great concept, poor execution.

I went to fill up my tires and it cost a dollar.

It used to cost a quarter but I guess that's inflation for you.

I brought my dead girlfriend back to life by passionately kissing her neck

...I guess you could say I'm a neck-romancer

Neil Armstrong used to tell really bad jokes about walking on the Moon.

When nobody laughed he would follow with, "Ah well. I guess you had to be there."

Guess who's no longer a 24 year old v**......

...i turned 25 yesterday.

A bounty hunter rides into town with a completely sealed box.

He goes up the the mayor, holds up the bounty, and says, I've got your bandit just as you requested 'dead and alive'.
The mayor says, not 'dead AND alive', 'dead OR alive'.
The bounty hunter looks at the bounty and then at the box and then at the mayor, and says, I guess we should open the box then.

TIL Type O blood was actually meant to be Type Zero blood, due to lack of glycoproteins in the red blood cells. It was misread as type "O".

I guess you can call it a typo.

Use any units you'd like (actually happened in a class of mine)

Professor: Anyone want to guess the Earth's magnetic field strength? Use any units you'd like.
Student: *raises hand*
Professor: Yes?
Student: 1 Earth

The government reveals their new logo today....

The government reveals their new logo today, on a black background sit a magnificent image of a c**....
I guess it makes sense, seeings as how a c**... allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of d**..., and gives you a sense of security while being s**....

Joke I heard from a 109 year old Holocaust survivor

A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".

My girlfriend told me I was disgusting for l**... the bowl after I finished.

I guess she's used to most people just flushing.

I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage

I guess you could say it was bread in captivity

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I'll be in August! I said, Oh I don't know princess, why don't you tell me? She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers...

It's now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won't say where she got them...

My neighbor just got arrested for growing m**....

I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was.

Saw a h**... on the street who said she'd do anything for $50

Guess who got the front porch repainted, bathroom retiled and a new deck.

My teenage daughter can't decide whether she wants to be a hairdresser or a short story writer...

I guess she'll have to flip a coin....
Heads or Tales.

A bear walks in to a bar and says, I'll have a gin and..........tonic. The bartender asks, Why the big pause? The bear looks down for a second and says, I don't know,

I guess I was just born this way.

A young man was about to propose marriage to his girlfriend...

Naturally, he was really nervous and couldn't think of how to pop the question. One day they were sitting on the couch and suddenly he just blurted out, I think we should get married!
Wait, his girlfriend said, taken aback, are you serious?
I think I am, he said.
You're proposing to me here on the couch? she asked.
Yes, I guess I am, he said.
That's not much of a proposal, the girlfriend said. I think you can do better.
I thought so, too, the young man said. But your sister already said no.

A guy says to his wife: "Thanks to that new scale you bought, I always know how much I p**...!"

Wife: "So you step on the scale before you p**..., go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your p**...?
He: Oh, yeah, I guess you could also do it that way...

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night.

"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve.
"Guess how old I'm going to be next month."
"I don't know, beauty," I said as I slipped on my glasses.
"How old?"
She smiled and held up four fingers.
It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hours.
She still refuses to tell us where she got them.

The day my daughter turns 18, I'm going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her:

Well, I guess now you really are… independent".

So I did some research...

and Chinese people like listening to music on their phones with earbuds, black people like portable speakers, Mexicans prefer cheaper systems in their home with big speakers and white people like higher end but compact systems...
Sorry, I guess I shouldn't be discussing racial stereo types.