The Best 95 Guess Who Jokes

Following is our collection of funniest Guess Who jokes. There are some guess who nofap jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these guess who today puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny Guess Who Jokes and Puns

Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump.

But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.

Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween

I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.

I never understood school shooting jokes

I guess they're aimed at a younger audience...

Guess Who joke, I never understood school shooting jokes

My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair

Guess who came crawling back

A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!'

'Mmm?'

'Not that many!'


Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex?

My ex.

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

Guess Who joke, My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut

I was on a plane and the air hostess said, "Want some headphones?"

I said, "Blimey. How'd you guess that my name is Phones?"

My doctor said diarrhea is hereditary.

I guess it runs in your genes

What does a vegetable get in bowling?

A-spare-I-guess

Taste the soup

A guy eating in a restaurant calls the waiter.
-Please taste the soup.

The confused waiter asks:
-Is the soup too hot?
-Just taste the soup...

-Is the soup too cold?
-Taste the soup.

-Is there a fly in the soup?
-Taste the soup!

The waiter, tired of guessing, gives up.
-Alright, alright, I'll taste the soup. Where's the spoon?
-Aha!

You can explore guess who hunch reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean guess who reckon dad jokes. There are also guess who puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


So the essay portion of the SATs will be dropped in 2016...

I guess we'll just have to call them the Ts.

I don't know why I broke up with my girl at the gym...

I guess we just weren't working out.

My little sister made a face at my mom and said "Guess who I am?"

My mom answered "Who?"

"Your daughter"

courtesy of my 4 year old sister about 20 minutes ago

Met a cute guy at the bar, gave him my number and told him to text me when he got home

I guess he's homeless.

When 2 people have sex it's called a twosome. When 3 people do it it's called a threesom

I guess that's why they call me handsome...

Guess Who joke, When 2 people have sex it's called a twosome. When 3 people do it it's called a threesom

It's crazy how sexist the postal service is.

I guess that's natural with such a mail dominated industry.

My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up.

Guess who's not allowed in my tree house anymore.

My parents always tell me that their world doesn't revolve around me

I guess that means that I'm not actually their sun :(


If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome, I guess now it's clear why everyone calls me handsome.

So I saw that the new dinosaur in Jurassic Park is a hybrid

Guess that makes it Priustoric

Saw a hooker on the street who said she'd do anything for $50.

Guess who got the front porch repainted.

Did you know condoms have serial numbers?

Oh, I guess you've never rolled one down far enough.

My lesbian neighbors got me a Rolex for Christmas

I guess they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

I told god a Holocaust joke. He didn't laugh.

after a moment of awkward silence, I said: "Well I guess you should have been there".

A guy takes his date to the carnival...

....and asks his date what she wants to do. She replies "I want to get weighed." So he takes her to the Guess Your Weight booth and continue their date.

They go on a few more rides and again he asks her what she wants to do. "I wanna get weighed" she says once again. So they get her weighed again and go one a few more rides and then he takes her home.

When she gets home, her mother asks her how her date went.

She replied, "Wousy"

Fishermen hate himβ€”you'll never guess this one strange item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else

Click bait

My doctor advised me to stay away from trans fats.

I guess I should really get off Tumblr

My stats professor told me that the larger the sample size the more trustworthy the data.

I guess the N's justify the means.

Mom finds a large number of BDSM magazines beneath her sons bed.

Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss.
"What do you think we should do?" she asks.
Father frowns and responds "Well I guess spanking him is out of the question"

Two blondes meet at a busy chicken market

A: If I can guess how many chickens you have in that bag, can I have one?

B: You can have both

A: Three

My wife said she is leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants...

Guess I won't be needing those anymore.

I burned my Hawaiian pizza today...

I guess i should have put the oven on aloha setting

Two kids were wondering if God is black or white..

So they prayed and asked him. A booming voice from the heavens answered "I am what I am." One kid said, "Well, I guess he's white." The other said, "How can you tell?" "Well, if he was black, he would've answered, 'I is what I is.'"

As a cop, I don't know how to deal with black people...

But I guess I'll take a shot at it.

8-year old Alex had a crush on his teacher, so he stayed behind in recess.

The teacher asked Alex if something was wrong, since he wasn't out with the others.

"It's because I'm in love with you, Alex told her.

"Well," the teacher replied - "What If I don't like small children?".

"Then...we'll just have to be careful, I guess".

So, I brought my girlfriend some flowers today...

she looked at me, sighed and said, "I guess I'll have to spread my legs now."

so I asked her, "why, don't you have a vase?"

hahahahaha

just kidding...

I don't have a girlfriend

Did you hear about the stolen Tesla?

I guess now it's an Edison

A polar bear walks into a bar.

The bartender asks what he'll have.

The bear says "I guess I'll have a................beer."

The bartender asks "Why the big pause?"

The polar shrugs. "I don't know, I was born with 'em."

I bought a locket today and put my own picture in it. Guess now I really am....

Independent

What's in a name?

A pregnant woman lapses into a coma. She awakens and frantically calls for her doctor. "You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're fine," he says. "Your brother named them."

Oh, no, the new mother thinks.Β He's an idiot. Expecting the worst, she asks, "What's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor says.

Not bad, she thinks.Β I guess I was wrong about him. "And the boy?"

"DeNephew."

Let me tell you how I became a millionaire: First, I...

...bought one apple for a dollar with my savings. Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars. With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on...

A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.

A guy gets taken to his cell on his first day of prison...

...he meets his cellmate for the first time, a huge hulk of a man, who turns to him and says, 'We're gonna play a game, a game of mommies and daddies... Do you wanna be the mommy or the daddy?'

The new convict relunctantly replies, 'I guess I'll, ...I'll be the, ...the daddy?...'

The inmate smiles and says 'Fantastic! ...Now come over here and suck mommy's cock'.

Just found out I was dating a commie

Guess I should've noticed the red flags earlier

Did you hear about the Italian Chef who died?

He pasta way.
I never sausage a tragic thing.
He is now a pizza history.
Sending olive my support to his family.
We cannoli do so much though.
I feel for his wife. Cheese still not over it.
I guess he just ran out of thyme.

A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament

Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?

Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.

Interviewer: and what about the rest?

Poker player: Well... I guess they'll have to wait..

A prostitute walked up to me and said, "I'll do anything you want if you give me $30"

Guess who's getting his porch repainted!

A Driver gets Pulled Over

A man driving home from the bar gets pulled over by a police officer.

Officer: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

Driver: "I'm guessing you think I was drunk driving."

Officer: "Tell you what, my shift is ending so if you can spell the alphabet backwards, I'll let you go."

Driver: (very quickly) "ZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCBA."

Officer: "Wow, I couldn't do that sober."

Driver: "Me neither."

Teacher : Why didn't you write your homework? Pupil : My dad is in a hospital

*7 days later* T : why didn't you write your homework this time?

P : my dad is still in the hospital.

T : wow, this must be serious.

*1 month later*

T : Let me guess, you didn't do your homework because your father is still in the hospital.

P : Indeed.

T: well, how come?

P : he's a doctor.

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him..

Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...

Gunpowder therapy

A boy goes to his grandfather and says "Grandpa, how did you ever get so old?"

"Well," replies the grandfather, "every morning, I pour a teaspoon of gunpowder into my coffee, and I guess that's the reason." So the boy begins drinking coffee and doing the same.

90 years pass, and the boy dies having reached the age of 95. He left behind 3 kids, 5 grandkids, 4 great grandkids, several million dollars, and a 60 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Two blondes meet on a village road.

One of the blondes was carrying a large gunny bag over her shoulder.
'Hey there,' hailed second blonde, 'what is in the bag?'
'Chickens,' came the reply.
'If I guess how many, can I have one?'
'You can have both of them.'
'OK.. five?' Said the second blonde.

I jokingly told my friend I was collecting the corpses of past emperors of Russia and dumping them into a giant ravine, but he thought I was serious and asked what was wrong with me.

I guess he just doesn't understand tsar chasm.

I witnessed the break up of an obese couple

I guess they didn't work out.

My lesbian GF and I suck at saving

Guess we need to stop eating out

Met a prostitute who said she'll do anything for $50...

Guess who just got Darth Vader unlocked...

I got yelled at in LA today for singing Christmas Carols.

I guess they don't wanna hear about how the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful.

My joke about capital punishment got downvoted.

I guess it was great concept, poor execution.

When I was in the army, I broke my rifle and had to pay 600$.

I guess that's why the captain always goes down with the ship.

I went to fill up my tires and it cost a dollar.

It used to cost a quarter but I guess that's inflation for you.

I brought my dead girlfriend back to life by passionately kissing her neck

...I guess you could say I'm a neck-romancer

Neil Armstrong used to tell really bad jokes about walking on the Moon.

When nobody laughed he would follow with, "Ah well. I guess you had to be there."

Guess who's no longer a 24 year old virgin...

...i turned 25 yesterday.

A bounty hunter rides into town with a completely sealed box.

He goes up the the mayor, holds up the bounty, and says, I've got your bandit just as you requested 'dead and alive'.

The mayor says, not 'dead AND alive', 'dead OR alive'.

The bounty hunter looks at the bounty and then at the box and then at the mayor, and says, I guess we should open the box then.

Two Blondes....

Two blondes are walking down a road, one has a large sports bag.
1st blonde: "What have you got in that bag?"

2nd blonde: "Chickens."

1st blonde: "If I can guess how many chickens you've got in that bag, can I have one of them?"

2nd blonde: "If you can guess how many chickens I've got in this bag, you can have BOTH of them!!"

1st blonde: "Well, I think you've got three."

TIL Type O blood was actually meant to be Type Zero blood, due to lack of glycoproteins in the red blood cells. It was misread as type "O".

I guess you can call it a typo.

Use any units you'd like (actually happened in a class of mine)

Professor: Anyone want to guess the Earth's magnetic field strength? Use any units you'd like.
Student: *raises hand*
Professor: Yes?
Student: 1 Earth

The government reveals their new logo today....

The government reveals their new logo today, on a black background sit a magnificent image of a condom.

I guess it makes sense, seeings as how a condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while being screwed.

My doctor told me to stay away from trans fats.

Guess I can't go on tumblr anymore.

Joke I heard from a 109 year old Holocaust survivor

A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".

A college teacher reminds her class of the next day's final exam.

Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head sweetly.

Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

A pregnant woman walks into a bank being robbed,

She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. Luckily, all her children were safe.

15 years later, one of her daughters came up to her and said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.

Then, her other daughter walked into the room and she said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.

Finally, her son came in and she assumed she knew what he was going to say, "Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?"

The son replied, "No, what? I was masturbating and I shot the dog."

My girlfriend told me I was disgusting for licking the bowl after I finished.

I guess she's used to most people just flushing.

I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage

I guess you could say it was bread in captivity

In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad

I guess it will be 5050



A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.

He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope.

The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing."

"Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says.

"But why?" the bartender asks.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I'll be in August! I said, Oh I don't know princess, why don't you tell me? She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers...

It's now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won't say where she got them...

A man noticed that his friend only smoked two cigarettes at a time.

He asked him about it and his friend said: "one for me and one on my imprisoned brother's behalf. He told me to smoke for him too"

Years later, the man saw his friend smoking only one cigarette, he told him: "I'm guessing good news! Your brother finished his sentence?"

His friend said: "No, I quit smoking"

My wife fell in love with me again during covid-19

I guess you could call it stuck-home syndrome

My neighbor just got arrested for growing marijuana.

I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was.

Saw a hooker on the street who said she'd do anything for $50

Guess who got the front porch repainted, bathroom retiled and a new deck.

A college professor reminds her class of the next day's final exam saying, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

I asked my wife, I'm stuck on this crossword clue Overworked Postman β€” can you help?

She said, Sure. How many letters?

Me: I'm guessingβ€”- Too many.

My teenage daughter can't decide whether she wants to be a hairdresser or a short story writer...

I guess she'll have to flip a coin....

Heads or Tales.

A bear walks in to a bar and says, I'll have a gin and..........tonic. The bartender asks, Why the big pause? The bear looks down for a second and says, I don't know,

I guess I was just born this way.

A young man was about to propose marriage to his girlfriend...

Naturally, he was really nervous and couldn't think of how to pop the question. One day they were sitting on the couch and suddenly he just blurted out, I think we should get married!

Wait, his girlfriend said, taken aback, are you serious?

I think I am, he said.

You're proposing to me here on the couch? she asked.

Yes, I guess I am, he said.

That's not much of a proposal, the girlfriend said. I think you can do better.

I thought so, too, the young man said. But your sister already said no.

A guy says to his wife: "Thanks to that new scale you bought, I always know how much I poop!"

Wife: "So you step on the scale before you poop, go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your poop?

He: Oh, yeah, I guess you could also do it that way...

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night.

"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve.

"Guess how old I'm going to be next month."

"I don't know, beauty," I said as I slipped on my glasses.
"How old?"

She smiled and held up four fingers.

It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hours.
She still refuses to tell us where she got them.

The day my daughter turns 18, I'm going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her:

Well, I guess now you really are… independent".

I didn't feel like cooking tonight, so I made a sandwich for dinner

It wasn't so much as a sandwich as much as it was just bread.

I guess more just grain.

Fermented grain.

Distilled, fermented grain.

I had whisky for dinner tonight.

My gf told me if I trimmed my bush it would make my deck bigger

She's been spending a lot of time with the landscaper so I'm guessing she learned it from him

After being shorted by hedge funds, Gamestop, AMC, Blackberry and Nokia are watching those funds cry about their losses

I guess you could say those... companies love misery

A boy walks in late to class.

That day they have a substitute. She asks the boy "Where have you been, and why are you late?"
He says: "Sorry I was on Blueberry Hill."
and takes his seat. About 5 min later another boy comes in late.
The substitute asks " Where have you been, and why are you late?"
He says: "Sorry, I was on Blueberry Hill."
and takes his seat.
This happens 2 more times.
About 5 min after the last boy a girl walks in.
The teacher says" let me guess you were on Blueberry Hill!?"
The girls says" No,.... I am Blueberry Hill!"

Went to a burger joint a while ago

My son, 8 at the time, ordered sliders. When the waitress came with our orders, his plate fell and the food went everywhere. He looked at me straight-faced and said, "I guess that's why they call them sliders."

SNL Israel jewish joke

Israel is reporting that they vaccinated half of their population,
I’m going to guess it’s the Jewish half !

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the guess who wanna jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working guess who gran piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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