Guess Who Jokes
137 guess who jokes and hilarious guess who puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about guess who that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Guess Who Short Jokes
Short guess who jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The guess who humour may include short hey guess what jokes also.
- Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump. But I guess comparing apples to orange is unfair.
- Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.
- A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!' 'Mmm?'
'Not that many!' - In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad I guess it will be 5050
- My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what... She couldn't do either!
- In Britain we call it a "lift" but Americans call it an "elevator". I guess we're just raised differently.
- I asked my wife, I'm stuck on this crossword clue Overworked postman — can you help? She said, Sure. How many letters?
Me: I'm guessing—- Too many. - I bought a locket today and put my own picture in it. Guess now I really am.... Independent
- I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family. They criticized everything she did, mocked her heritage and gave her a psychiatric disorder.
I guess I shouldn't have insisted on the royal treatment. - So I put a giant map of the world up on the wall and gave my wife a dart. I told her wherever it lands is where we go on holiday. I guess we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
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Guess Who One Liners
Which guess who one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with guess who? I can suggest the ones about whos there and guess what happened.
- I never understood school shooting jokes I guess they're aimed at a younger audience...
- My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair Guess who came crawling back
- Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex? My ex.
- What vegetable do you need when you get a flat tire? A-spare-I-guess.
- I burned my Hawaiian pizza today... I guess i should have put the oven on aloha setting
- What does a vegetable get in bowling? A-spare-I-guess
- I witnessed the break up of an obese couple I guess they didn't work out.
- My doctor advised me to stay away from trans fats. I guess I should really get off Tumblr
- My doctor told me to stay away from trans fats. Guess I can't go on tumblr anymore.
- I dated a blind girl and she broke up with me. Guess who's back with a different voice
- Did you hear about the stolen Tesla? I guess now it's an Edison
- I proposed to my girlfriend at the gym and she said "no." I guess it didn't workout.
- My doctor said diarrhea is hereditary. I guess it runs in your genes
- I never got school shooter jokes Guess they're aimed at a younger audience.
- Guess who woke up to 23 missed calls from their Ex ? My Ex.
Happy Guess Who Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends
What funny jokes about guess who you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean guess what chicken jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make guess who pranks.
Last week, My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her Wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Met a p**... who said she'll do anything for $50...
Guess who just got Darth Vader unlocked...
So I broke up with my handicapped girlfriend and stole her wheelchair..
But guess who came crawling back!!?!
Saw a h**... on the street who said she'd do anything for $50.
Guess who got the front porch repainted.
My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up.
Guess who's not allowed in my tree house anymore.
My little sister made a face at my mom and said "Guess who I am?"
My mom answered "Who?"
"Your daughter"
courtesy of my 4 year old sister about 20 minutes ago
Guess who's no longer a 24 year old v**......
...i turned 25 yesterday.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer...
Plus it's super fun to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Saw a h**... on the street who said she'd do anything for $50
Guess who got the front porch repainted, bathroom retiled and a new deck.
A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.
He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope.
The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing."
"Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says.
"But why?" the bartender asks.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.
A p**... walked up to me and said, "I'll do anything you want if you give me $30"
Guess who's getting his porch repainted!
I just received a chain letter and if I don't re-send it a dead woman will appear in my closet....
Guess who's getting laid tonight.
Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optician?
*Everyone!*
Guess who I ran into when I went to get my glasses.
Everybody
p**... said she would do anything I asked....
Guess who's up to date with all his paperwork.
Guess who I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed ?
Everybody
Guess who I bumped into at the opticians the other day?
Everyone!
What's the first way to know when you're growing old?
It's your birthday and the only ones who wish you happy birthday are your doctors.
(Not so much a joke. It's my birthday and guess who wished me happy birthday so far.)
Edit: finally, a couple of family members have said it. They're still outnumbered five to one by medical staff. Lol!
Got approached by a p**... today who said she would do anything for $10
Guess who just got their car washed?
Why is a dog better than your wife ?
Lock your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car and open it after a bit
Guess who'll be happy to see you
Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist
Everyone
Deer Season
Seven guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Kevin's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?
Two days later the six get to the camping site only to find Kevin sitting there with his gear set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the stove.
"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk Melissa into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair at home and Melissa came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'guess who?' I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, here I am.
My teacher used to tell me that I'd never amount to anything.
But ten years later, guess who I saw at mcdonalds? My teacher.
I served him a bic mac with no pickles even tho he wanted extra. Who's laughing now?
Who loves you more, your wife or your dog?
Lock them both in the trunk of your car for an hour. Guess who is happy to see you when you open the trunk?
Guess who just got 17 missed calls from their ex
my ex
Two brother sit under the christmas tree....
One gets dozens of presents. He opens one after another, a tablet, a drone, a bike and plenty other things.
The other only gets one present with his name on it: a matchbox car.
The one boy with all the presents maliciously asks: guess whom they like more!
The other, calmly playing with the matchbox car, asks back: guess who has cancer.
At the post office....
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
How to make money off Valentine's Day
A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer. He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope. The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing." "Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says. "But why?" the bartender asks. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.
I went to the Optometrists to buy some glasses the other day, you'll never guess who I ran into...
Everyone.
A plane from J.F.K. is coming in to land at a rural airport in Arkansas at midnight.
Mouthy pilot turns to his co-pilot, winks & says "watch this"......
"Pilot to control tower......hey there h**..., guess who!!"
Control tower switches off the airport lights.....
"Control tower to pilot....... Hey there Yankee, guess *where!!*"
The man's best friend
You know the phrase "the dog is the man's best friend"?
Well, I can prove it's true!
Just lock up your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car and one hour later... guess who is gonna be happy to see you!!
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer.
Plus it's fun to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
A guy came up to me the other day, and shoved a gun into my face. He demanded my 'money or my life'.
Guess who the burned-out pencil pusher with a mortgage and a loveless marriage is now.
A p**... said she'll do anything for $30
Guess who completed my 2 months' homework
So i met a h**... today who said she would do anything for five bucks
Guess who got their homework done!
Last night, a p**... told me should would do anything for $200
Guess who's getting his fence painted.
My disabled girlfriend broke up with me a week ago.
So I took away her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back.
Met a h**... who said she'd do anything for $100.
Guess who's getting their front porch re-done!
Guess who Lady Gaga is dating . . .
Gentleman Googoo.
You'll never guess who I bumped into at the opticians yesterday.....
.... Everybody!
My girlfriend broke up with me. So I took her wheel chair and...
Guess who came crawling back.
Guess who missed Spiderman Homecoming?
Uncle Ben.
My wife pulled into the driveway and excitedly told me "Honey, you'll never guess who I ran into at the protest today!"
I said I couldn't possibly guess, who?
"I don't know either, we'll have to watch the news to find out. Now please help me hose the blood off our truck!"
A non-Muslim guy and a Muslim woman are deeply in love
Guy converts to Islam and marries her.
Law says guy has to study Islam too.
Guy goes to a one-week Islamic c**... course.
Guy finds out something new and says to his wife:
"Baby, guess who can have four wives now?"
I went to specsavers the other day..
...guess who I bumped into?
Everyone!
Unbelievable!!! My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday, so in revenge I stole her wheelchair...
Well, guess who came crawling back today...
I'm not one to brag about going to expensive places …
But guess who's just been to the petrol station!
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back?
So my friend told me that any girl he dates has to know how to tightrope on heels, I thought he was joking but guess who he's dating now
No one
Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex
My ex
Mu girlfriend cheated on me, So I took her wheelchair.
Guess who came back crawling
I took my girlfriends wheelchair away...
Guess who came crawling back?
I was on my way to the opticians today and guess who I bumped into.....
Everybody.
Guess who my financial advisor is going to be for halloween.
PENNY-WISE
First post: unconditional love test
Lock your wife/husband in the trunk of your car for an hour, then your dog. Guess who's still happy to see you...
My mom laughed at me when I said I wanted to be a clown.
Guess who's laughing now.
A pilot is coming in for a nighttime landing...
He decides to mess around so he turns off his lights and says to the tower:
"Guess who?"
The tower replies by turning off the runway landing lights and says:
"Guess where?"
(from my old flight instructor) :)
You aren't going to guess who is the most beautiful person in the world
Read the first two words.
Another Dad Joke
Dad: Guess who I saw today?
Kid: Who?
Dad: Everyone I looked at!
Guess who won the nobelle prize.
Gaston.
Went to my eye doctor the other day... Guess who I bumped into?
Everyone!
My girlfriend said I treat her like a child.
Guess who isn't getting her milk bottle tonight!
What's the most popular game at a nursing home?
Guess who
Guess who's going to be spoiled on Valentine's Day...?
The jug of milk in our refrigerator dated 2-14.
Scientists are baffled by cat remains on Mars..
You can guess who killed them.
You're approached by a stranger while walking your dog in the park.
The stranger says "That's an unusual looking dog."
You reply with "It's interbred."
Suddenly, a duck waddles up and says "Guess who else is into bread?"
A joke my kid told me today.
Him: dad guess who is the smallest family in the world?
Me: I don't know, who?
Him: the atoms family.
Not bad for 7 years old.
Someone called me immature today.
Guess who isn't allowed in my tree house?
Met a p**... that will do anything for 100 $
Guess who's writing my take home exam ^^
Guess who just got laid!
Not me. Probably someone, but not me.
Girl said that she would do anything for 5$
guess who just got their car washed.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to the eye doctor!
Everybody!
Guess who i am
I am a long object. You put me in your mouth and shake me. Then you either s**... or spit out white liquid . Yes, it is me your toothbrush
As a 29 year old v**..., I hired a h**... today for $300. And have never been happier.
She said she'd do anything.
So guess who just got their college tuition paid
Guess who has two thumbs and just lost their virginity?
Definitely not me.
Spinach and olives are a bad mix...but guess who eats them both?
Popeye.
Source:
[My Brother made this joke after eating a Sub with olives in it :D]
There should be a fictional biopic about Leonardo DiCaprio's fight for his oscar.
But I guess whoever plays him will win an Oscar for it.
Guess who may be out of a job tomorrow?
Theresa May....
