Guess Who Jokes

What are some Guess Who jokes?

Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump.

But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.

Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween

I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.

I never understood school shooting jokes

I guess they're aimed at a younger audience...

Joke I heard from a 109 year old Holocaust survivor

A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".

My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair

Guess who came crawling back

A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!'

'Mmm?'

'Not that many!'

Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex?

My ex.

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

I bought a locket today and put my own picture in it. Guess now I really am....

Independent

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him..

Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...

Met a prostitute who said she'll do anything for $50...

Guess who just got Darth Vader unlocked...

Fishermen hate himβ€”you'll never guess this one strange item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else

Click bait

My stats professor told me that the larger the sample size the more trustworthy the data.

I guess the N's justify the means.

I told god a Holocaust joke. He didn't laugh.

after a moment of awkward silence, I said: "Well I guess you should have been there".

Mom finds a large number of BDSM magazines beneath her sons bed.

Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss.
"What do you think we should do?" she asks.
Father frowns and responds "Well I guess spanking him is out of the question"

Saw a hooker on the street who said she'd do anything for $50.

Guess who got the front porch repainted.

The sky above looked ominous, so I asked Siri, "Surely, it's not going to rain again today?!"

It replied, "It is and don't call me Shirley!"

Guess I forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode…

As a cop, I don't know how to deal with black people...

But I guess I'll take a shot at it.

My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up.

Guess who's not allowed in my tree house anymore.

My little sister made a face at my mom and said "Guess who I am?"

My mom answered "Who?"

"Your daughter"

courtesy of my 4 year old sister about 20 minutes ago

If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome, I guess now it's clear why everyone calls me handsome.

I jokingly told my friend I was collecting the corpses of past emperors of Russia and dumping them into a giant ravine, but he thought I was serious and asked what was wrong with me.

I guess he just doesn't understand tsar chasm.

The government reveals their new logo today....

The government reveals their new logo today, on a black background sit a magnificent image of a condom.

I guess it makes sense, seeings as how a condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while being screwed.

When 2 people have sex it's called a twosome. When 3 people do it it's called a threesom

I guess that's why they call me handsome...

A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament

Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?

Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.

Interviewer: and what about the rest?

Poker player: Well... I guess they'll have to wait..

My wife said she is leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants...

Guess I won't be needing those anymore.

Use any units you'd like (actually happened in a class of mine)

Professor: Anyone want to guess the Earth's magnetic field strength? Use any units you'd like.
Student: *raises hand*
Professor: Yes?
Student: 1 Earth

Guess who's no longer a 24 year old virgin...

...i turned 25 yesterday.

Just found out I was dating a commie

Guess I should've noticed the red flags earlier

Taste the soup

A guy eating in a restaurant calls the waiter.
-Please taste the soup.

The confused waiter asks:
-Is the soup too hot?
-Just taste the soup...

-Is the soup too cold?
-Taste the soup.

-Is there a fly in the soup?
-Taste the soup!

The waiter, tired of guessing, gives up.
-Alright, alright, I'll taste the soup. Where's the spoon?
-Aha!

Neil Armstrong used to tell really bad jokes about walking on the Moon.

When nobody laughed he would follow with, "Ah well. I guess you had to be there."

Two blondes meet at a busy chicken market

A: If I can guess how many chickens you have in that bag, can I have one?

B: You can have both

A: Three

Let me tell you how I became a millionaire: First, I...

...bought one apple for a dollar with my savings. Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars. With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on...

A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.

Gunpowder therapy

A boy goes to his grandfather and says "Grandpa, how did you ever get so old?"

"Well," replies the grandfather, "every morning, I pour a teaspoon of gunpowder into my coffee, and I guess that's the reason." So the boy begins drinking coffee and doing the same.

90 years pass, and the boy dies having reached the age of 95. He left behind 3 kids, 5 grandkids, 4 great grandkids, several million dollars, and a 60 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

I burned my Hawaiian pizza today...

I guess i should have put the oven on aloha setting

What's in a name?

A pregnant woman lapses into a coma. She awakens and frantically calls for her doctor. "You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're fine," he says. "Your brother named them."

Oh, no, the new mother thinks.Β He's an idiot. Expecting the worst, she asks, "What's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor says.

Not bad, she thinks.Β I guess I was wrong about him. "And the boy?"

"DeNephew."

Two kids were wondering if God is black or white..

So they prayed and asked him. A booming voice from the heavens answered "I am what I am." One kid said, "Well, I guess he's white." The other said, "How can you tell?" "Well, if he was black, he would've answered, 'I is what I is.'"

A college teacher reminds her class of the next day's final exam.

Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head sweetly.

Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

What does a vegetable get in bowling?

A-spare-I-guess

A Driver gets Pulled Over

A man driving home from the bar gets pulled over by a police officer.

Officer: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

Driver: "I'm guessing you think I was drunk driving."

Officer: "Tell you what, my shift is ending so if you can spell the alphabet backwards, I'll let you go."

Driver: (very quickly) "ZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCBA."

Officer: "Wow, I couldn't do that sober."

Driver: "Me neither."

I don't know why I broke up with my girl at the gym...

I guess we just weren't working out.

A pregnant woman walks into a bank being robbed,

She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. Luckily, all her children were safe.

15 years later, one of her daughters came up to her and said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.

Then, her other daughter walked into the room and she said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.

Finally, her son came in and she assumed she knew what he was going to say, "Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?"

The son replied, "No, what? I was masturbating and I shot the dog."

So I saw that the new dinosaur in Jurassic Park is a hybrid

Guess that makes it Priustoric

I witnessed the break up of an obese couple

I guess they didn't work out.

My doctor advised me to stay away from trans fats.

I guess I should really get off Tumblr

I brought my dead girlfriend back to life by passionately kissing her neck

...I guess you could say I'm a neck-romancer

A bounty hunter rides into town with a completely sealed box.

He goes up the the mayor, holds up the bounty, and says, I've got your bandit just as you requested 'dead and alive'.

The mayor says, not 'dead AND alive', 'dead OR alive'.

The bounty hunter looks at the bounty and then at the box and then at the mayor, and says, I guess we should open the box then.

So the essay portion of the SATs will be dropped in 2016...

I guess we'll just have to call them the Ts.

A guy takes his date to the carnival...

....and asks his date what she wants to do. She replies "I want to get weighed." So he takes her to the Guess Your Weight booth and continue their date.

They go on a few more rides and again he asks her what she wants to do. "I wanna get weighed" she says once again. So they get her weighed again and go one a few more rides and then he takes her home.

When she gets home, her mother asks her how her date went.

She replied, "Wousy"

Met a cute guy at the bar, gave him my number and told him to text me when he got home

I guess he's homeless.

My parents always tell me that their world doesn't revolve around me

I guess that means that I'm not actually their sun :(

My doctor told me to stay away from trans fats.

Guess I can't go on tumblr anymore.

My lesbian neighbors got me a Rolex for Christmas

I guess they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

Did you know condoms have serial numbers?

Oh, I guess you've never rolled one down far enough.

Teacher : Why didn't you write your homework? Pupil : My dad is in a hospital

*7 days later* T : why didn't you write your homework this time?

P : my dad is still in the hospital.

T : wow, this must be serious.

*1 month later*

T : Let me guess, you didn't do your homework because your father is still in the hospital.

P : Indeed.

T: well, how come?

P : he's a doctor.

Two blondes meet on a village road.

One of the blondes was carrying a large gunny bag over her shoulder.
'Hey there,' hailed second blonde, 'what is in the bag?'
'Chickens,' came the reply.
'If I guess how many, can I have one?'
'You can have both of them.'
'OK.. five?' Said the second blonde.

Two Blondes....

Two blondes are walking down a road, one has a large sports bag.
1st blonde: "What have you got in that bag?"

2nd blonde: "Chickens."

1st blonde: "If I can guess how many chickens you've got in that bag, can I have one of them?"

2nd blonde: "If you can guess how many chickens I've got in this bag, you can have BOTH of them!!"

1st blonde: "Well, I think you've got three."

8-year old Alex had a crush on his teacher, so he stayed behind in recess.

The teacher asked Alex if something was wrong, since he wasn't out with the others.

"It's because I'm in love with you, Alex told her.

"Well," the teacher replied - "What If I don't like small children?".

"Then...we'll just have to be careful, I guess".

A prostitute walked up to me and said, "I'll do anything you want if you give me $30"

Guess who's getting his porch repainted!

Did you hear about the stolen Tesla?

I guess now it's an Edison

A polar bear walks into a bar.

The bartender asks what he'll have.

The bear says "I guess I'll have a................beer."

The bartender asks "Why the big pause?"

The polar shrugs. "I don't know, I was born with 'em."

Did you hear about the Italian Chef who died?

He pasta way.
I never sausage a tragic thing.
He is now a pizza history.
Sending olive my support to his family.
We cannoli do so much though.
I feel for his wife. Cheese still not over it.
I guess he just ran out of thyme.

It's crazy how sexist the postal service is.

I guess that's natural with such a mail dominated industry.

I got yelled at in LA today for singing Christmas Carols.

I guess they don't wanna hear about how the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful.

My girlfriend told me I was disgusting for licking the bowl after I finished.

I guess she's used to most people just flushing.

My joke about capital punishment got downvoted.

I guess it was great concept, poor execution.

I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage

I guess you could say it was bread in captivity

My lesbian GF and I suck at saving

Guess we need to stop eating out

When I was in the army, I broke my rifle and had to pay 600$.

I guess that's why the captain always goes down with the ship.

My doctor said diarrhea is hereditary.

I guess it runs in your genes

So, I brought my girlfriend some flowers today...

she looked at me, sighed and said, "I guess I'll have to spread my legs now."

so I asked her, "why, don't you have a vase?"

hahahahaha

just kidding...

I don't have a girlfriend

I was on a plane and the air hostess said, "Want some headphones?"

I said, "Blimey. How'd you guess that my name is Phones?"

TIL Type O blood was actually meant to be Type Zero blood, due to lack of glycoproteins in the red blood cells. It was misread as type "O".

I guess you can call it a typo.

A guy gets taken to his cell on his first day of prison...

...he meets his cellmate for the first time, a huge hulk of a man, who turns to him and says, 'We're gonna play a game, a game of mommies and daddies... Do you wanna be the mommy or the daddy?'

The new convict relunctantly replies, 'I guess I'll, ...I'll be the, ...the daddy?...'

The inmate smiles and says 'Fantastic! ...Now come over here and suck mommy's cock'.

I went to fill up my tires and it cost a dollar.

It used to cost a quarter but I guess that's inflation for you.

Doctor: "I have some bad news, and some very bad news"

Patient:"Well, might as well give me the bad news first."

Doctor:"The lab called and told me you only have 24 hours to live."

Patient:"24 hours!? That's terrible! What could be worse than that?"

Doctor:"Your phone has been off, and I've been trying to reach you since yesterday..."


[Edited to clarify punchline...I guess. xP]

Today I saw this absolutely stunning color that I've never seen before! It was indescribable, but when I blinked, it disappeared.

I guess it was just a pigment of my imagination.

My brother and I made a $50 bet on who could throw meat the furthest into the air

I guess you could say the steaks have never been higher.

[NSFW] How much does your wiener weigh?

Litte Joe: "Daddy, how much does my wiener weigh?"

Dad: "I don't know, I guess about 3 ounces"

Litte Joe: "And how much does your wiener weigh?"

Dad: "I don't know, I guess about 15 ounces?"

Little Joe is intrigued and goes to his grandfather.

Little Joe: "Granddad, how much does your wiener weigh?"

Granddad: "I don't know, but it must be a lot, because your grandmother can't get it up"

I just received a chain letter and if I don't re-send it a dead woman will appear in my closet....

Guess who's getting laid tonight.

I had pot brownies for the first time last week.

I guess the baker was out of pans.

Fast and Furious [NSFW]

I asked my girlfriend to give me road head and we got into an accident.

I guess next time I should be the one driving.

Guess what came in the mail today

I did, I ran out of tissue.

A college teacher said this about the finals tomorrow.

She said "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tommorow. I might consider something like a car crash, or trump wins, but that's all. A student in the back of the room asked "What if i was suffering from complete sexual exhaustion?" The whole class laughed, but was silenced when the teacher said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand"

Saw a falcon eating avocado toast.

Guess it's a millennial falcon.

Two boys argue over whose parents are better.

The first boy says, "My dad's better than your dad."

The other boy says, "Well, my mom is better than your mom."

The first boy pauses, "I guess you're right. My dad says the same thing."

I got hammered last night and woke up next to some fat old lady that was snoring.

So I guess I made it home okay...

Two men are lost in the desert

Two men are lost in the desert. They are both severely dehydrated and extremely hungry. While stumbling over a particularly large sand dune, one man spots a tin of fig-flavored altoids.
Desperate for any sustenance, he stumbles ahead and grabs the tin, but realizes it was only a mirage.

He turned to the man behind him and said, "I guess it was just a fig mint of my imagination."

Have you heard like 50% of Chinese people have cataracts?

Yeah, I guess the other 50% drive "rincoln towncah".

My lesbian neighbors got me a rolex for my birthday.

I guess they didn't realize what I meant when I said I wanna watch .

How to make Guess Who jokes?

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