Guess What Happened Jokes
92 guess what happened jokes and hilarious guess what happened puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about guess what happened that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Guess What Happened Short Jokes
Short guess what happened jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The guess what happened humour may include short hey guess what jokes also.
- My grandfather handed me an antique clock, but it was missing its minute hand and hour hand I guess that's what happens when you get a second hand clock
- My plan for tomorrow is to get some new glasses After that I guess I'll just see what happens
- I've had my gym subscription for 4 months now and nothing has changed Guess I'll have to go there personally and see what's happening
- a caring mother makes her son loafs of bread shaped like batman, to make his sandwiches fun every time. guess what happens when it's in the oven? the dark knight rises.
- A man steals and crashes a train and is then given the electric chair, but nothing happens. guess he was a bad conductor
- A German man was hitting on my sister-in-law... I told her "He wants to put his wiener in your schnitzel."
She replied "Not happening, I guess he'll be stroganoff." - A blind man is being interviewed about an experimental procedure to restore his sight A reporter asks him what he thinks will happen.
The blind man responds, I don't know, I guess I'll see. - It appears that Jared Fogle has gain 30lbs since going to jail I guess that's what happens when you stop the child portions
- I've been getting in touch with my inner self recently... ...but I guess that's just what happens when you get single ply toilet paper.
- I didn't believe it when they told me the government had accidentally opened a portal to another dimension while trying to spy on the Russians... But I guess stranger things have happened.
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Guess What Happened One Liners
Which guess what happened one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with guess what happened? I can suggest the ones about guess what love and guess what chicken.
- Do you know what happens when your designer jeans get tangled in the dryer? Guess knot
- I guess what happened to Gamora in Infinity War was definitely not a cliffhanger
- Can you guess where my parents conceived me? The highway, where most accidents happen.
- No matter what happens, I can't get angry. I guess I'm terminally chill.
- Guess what happens at the end of the hit movie: "No Survivors" Nobody knows
- Guess what happens when you chuck a piece of steak into a church? Holy cow!
- A bad Psychic is like a clickbait article They'll never guess what happens next
Guess What Happened Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about guess what happened you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean events happened jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make guess what happened pranks.
The other day I was singing in the shower, and I got soap in my mouth.
Guess what happened then? It became a soap opera.
The first all-female spacewalk happened recently
Meanwhile in space:
"Houston, we have a problem."
"What sort of a problem?"
"Well if you don't know without asking, I guess there is no problem at all! Everything is JUST FINE!".
Hello?
- "Hello?"
- "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
- "No Daddy. She´s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says,
- "But honey, you haven´t got an Uncle Paul."
- "Oh yes I do, and he´s upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy, right now."
Brief Pause.
- "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy´s car just pulled into the driveway."
- "Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
- "I did it Daddy."
- "And what happened honey?" he asked.
- "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn´t moving at all!"
- "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
- "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn´t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he´s dead."
***Loooong Pause***
Then Daddy says,
- "What swimming pool? . . . Is this 486-5731"?
A woman meets her friend in heaven
She says Marge!! I didn't know you died! What Happened?"
"I froze to death"
"Oh my God! Was it horrible?"
"Not really I guess...I got real cold, got the shivers, then went numb. I just drifted off. But what about you? I didn't know you died"
"Yeah.crazy thing. I knew my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him. He was just sitting there watching TV...but I knew she was there. I ran through all the bedrooms, looked in the closets, under the beds, ran up to the attic...checked the basement...and I had a heart attack!!"
Marge sighs..." Too bad you didn't check the freezer first. We'd both still be alive."
Jesus and his disciples are fishing in heaven....
After a while Peter says, "hey Jesus, remember when you walked on water...that was awesome!" Jesus says, "Yeah, that was fun! I'm going to do it again!" He steps off the boat and immediately sinks to the bottom of the lake. After a lot of effort the disciples manage to get him out of the lake. Paul asks, "Jesus, what happened?" Jesus responds, "I don't know...I guess last time I wasn't as holy...."
So last night I fell off my balcony...
Instead of falling and getting really badly hurt, I kinda just floated down to the ground... landing without a scratch.
The news spread fast and everyone was wondering how that happened. I was later asked to explain the whole event, but I couldn't. I guess I just didn't get the whole gravity of the situation.
So I was playing Golf toady.
I was solo and decided just to get partnered up at the Club house. After a little bit I was partnered with this fairly lovely lady. We went out playing and started chatting it up. We were laughing and talking and finding out we have a lot in common. though all the fun though we were not actually playing very well. By the time we got to the 18th hole we both had pretty difficult putts ( I was 25 feet on a bad lie and she was slightly closer on the same lie )
I had been enjoying my time with her so much I made her a deal. I told her if I made the putt I would take her out to dinner ( if she didn't mind ) at one of the best restaurants on the island. I lined up and hit the ball after a tense moment the ball passed the cup but stopped and rolled back dropping in.
I guess she didn't want to be out done, so she turns to me and says. " If I make this putt, after dinner I will invite you back to my place for drinks. We can relax in my hot tub and drink Champagne and see what happens from there, but only if I make this putt."
Hearing her proposal I quickly walk up to her and ask her to let me help her line up the putt. She agrees. So I walk up to her ball bending down and pick it up, then handing it back to her. She looks at me and asks me what am I doing? I look back at her with a straight face and tell her " That's a gimmie if I ever saw one "
My Favorite Animal
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now..
"Mommy, mommy..."
One day a pregnant woman was walking home from work and decided to cut through an alley. A mugger was waiting and said "Give me all your money!" She complied, but then the mugger shot her three times in the stomach. At the hospital the doctors managed to save her and her three babies. Now fast forward 12 years.
"Mommy Mommy, i just peed out a bullet!" said the first daughter.
"Sit down, i will tell you the story..." replied the mother.
the next day the same thing happened with the other daughter.
"Alright sit down, i will tell you the story." said the mom.
3 days later the son comes running up to his mom.
"Mommy mommy" said the boy.
"Let me guess you peed out a bullet?" asked the mom.
"No! I was jacking off and i shot the dog."
So a city boy moves to the country.
Bob always hated his big city life, so one day he sold all his possessions and moved to the countryside.
Proud of the new land he purchased he felt like exploring one day, so he got on his horse and follow the old barbed wire fence til he spotted a man
"Hey there! how's it going? I'm Bob and I came here to get away from the city!"
"izzat so?" the man replied "well in that case, I guess I should be invitin' ya to a neighborhood party happenin' at my place tonight. but I should warn ya city boy, out in the country we like to drink a lot at our parties"
"well" bob said "in the city the bars are open all night, I think I can handle the drinking"
"Ok, if you say so. out here in the country we also tend to fight when we drink"
"oh, well the city is a violent place too, I think I can handle myself."
"Alright don't say I didn't warn ya, there's one more thing though, our parties can get a little wilder, and though the church don't condone it, pre-marital s**... tends to happen too."
bob chuckling to himself at this point said " well I think I can handle that too. I'll be sure to swing by tonight. By the way, just so I fit in, is there any sort of dress code I should follow so I don't stand out?
"oh you don't worry 'bout that, just show up in whatever feels comfortable. It's just gonna be the two of us tonight"
chicken, pork and beef
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now...
Three nuns die and go to heaven...
...where St. Peter greets them and informs them that in order to get into heaven, they must answer a question apeice. The first nun, who happens to be a novice nun, goes first.
"For you," says Peter, "an easy question, because of your short time as a nun. Who were the first two people?"
"That's easy," replies the nun excitedly. "Adam and Eve."
"Congratulations," says Peter, "You're in." He beckons the second nun forward. The second nun has been with the church for ten years and knows quite a bit about her religion.
"For you," says Peter, "a moderately difficult question. What color was Eve's hair?"
"I've never... I've never actually studied that," replies the nun. "But I'll take a guess. Blonde?"
"Great job," says Peter. "You're in."
He turns to the third nun, who was the head nun of her church. "And for you, a most difficult question indeed. What was the first thing Eve said to Adam in Paradise?"
After a moment of thinking, the nun looks stumped. "Gosh, that's a hard one."
"Congratulations, you're in."
Three American Indians get lost in the forest..
Indian No.1: "What do we do?"
Indian No.2: "I don't know, we're Indian, we're not supposed to get lost in the forest!"
Indian No.3: "We could do like the white man and fire three shots into the air."
Indian No.2: "How does that help?"
Indian No.3: "Well, when the white man gets lost in the forest, he fires three shots into the air and then somebody comes and saves him."
Indian No.2: "That sounds like a great idea!" *Points to Indian No.1 and says*: "Go ahead and fire three shots in the air."
*Indian No.1 fires three shots into the air and they wait. After an hour, nothing happens.*
Indian No.1: "So, how long are we supposed to wait?"
Indian No.2: "I don't know. I guess it depends how close they are. Maybe we should try again?
Indian No.3 *(to Indian No.1)*: "Yeah, try firing three more shots in the air."
Indian No.1: "I would, but I only have two arrows left."
*This joke was told to me by a Sioux elder who also told me: "If you're not worth laughing at, you're not worth much." Of course, he was referring to the fact that we must be allowed to laugh at each other.*
What happens when a political party filled with loyal members builds its entire platform on being unwilling to cooperate with the opposing party in a system based on compromise between parties that share power?
Your government fails.
wait... sorry I wrote this joke last year, I guess its not that funny anymore.
So I've got some buddies...
They just so happen to be a high-ranking officials in Denver,Colorado. They're currently trying to get Republicans and Democrats to both agree to legalize medical m**... to ease arthritis symptoms. I guess you could say I have friends in high places in high places in high places for joint support for joint support for joint support.
What happens when you take the tea away from your guest?
He's left there trying to "guess" what happened.
Hopefully this translates well into English..
A man is sitting on a park bench reading a book called "Logic" and another man walking past sits down beside him and asks what logic means..
The man reading the book asks, "Well, do you have an aquarium at home?"
"Yes! I do!"
"So I'm guessing you have fish in your aquarium?"
"I do!"
"And if you have fish in your aquarium, I'm guessing you like animals..?"
"Yes, I like animals!"
"And if you like animals, I would say you like people as well?"
"Yes, I like I people.."
"And if you like people, I guess you like women too?"
"Oh yes, I LOVE women!"
"Well there you go, that's what logic is!"
The man contemplates the answer he received and is satisfied with it and is about to get up to leave, when he asks: "What would've happened if I said that I didn't have an aquarium at home?"
The man on the bench thinks to himself for a minute and answers, "Well, you would've obviously been gay then".
Two twins, Tom and Harry.
There were two twins, Tom and Harry. Tom was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that Harry's wife died the same day Tom's boat sank.
A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Tom and mistaking him for Harry said I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must be feeling terrible.
Tom, thinking she was talking about his boat said Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools all tried to get in her at once and she split right up the middle
The old woman fainted hearing all this.
The chicken farm
A farmer goes into a farm supply store and orders two hundred chicks, explaining to the owner that he wants to start a chicken farm. Two weeks later, he returns to the store and buys another two hundred chicks. The owner is curious, but doesn't say anything. The same thing happens when the farmer returns in another two weeks for another two hundred chicks.
When he returns for the fourth time, the owner's curiousity is too much for him, so he asks the farmer why he keeps coming back for so many chicks.
The farmer says, "Well, I guess I must be doing something wrong, but I don't know what. I think I'm either planting them too deep or too close together."
A marriage in trouble
The mother-in-law arrives home from the mall to find her son-in-law angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened ?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my business trip. I get home, and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife, with a guy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever !"
"Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"I told you there must be a simple explanation..... she didn't receive your E-mail !"
I overheard some guy tell his sweet, old grandmother a joke about click-bait at her deathbed. What happened to her as a result will change your life forever!
Nothing. Absolutely nothing happened.
Stop clicking on click-bait!
(note/edit/whatever: I know this joke is a big gamble in terms of possible downvotes, but I just made it up and thought it was too good to not share with at least 1 person that might like it. Happy belated Halloween. I guess I chose trick.).
A Jewish man goes to speak to his Rabbi...
He says, "Rabbi, you'll never guess what happened to me! My son converted to Christianity."
The Rabbi responds, "*You'll* never guess what happened to *me*! My son converted to Christianity too. Let's pray to God, maybe He'll have an answer for us."
After some prayers, God responds to them: "You'll never guess what happened to ME!"
How Men Think...
A nurse was giving a female coma patient a sponge bath, when she accidently brushed up on the womans private parts. Suddenly, the patients vital signs jumped up. So the nurse tried it again, and once again, the vital signs jumped up...so she called the Doctor, and showed him what had happened.
The Doctor grew excited, and called the womans husband. He explained what had happened, and said "I think it's worth trying for you to try o**... s**... with her, and that might be enough to wake her up."
So the husband agreed, and came over to the hospital, where they left him alone with his wife to get going....
a few minutes later, however, the alarms began to ring, and the Doctor found the woman to be dead.
He turned to the husband and asked him "What happened? Didn't you try o**... with her?"
"Yeah... I guess she must have choked on it."
THE EXPLANATION
The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law
p**... in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened p**... ?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife
(your daughter) telling her I was coming home today from my fishing
trip. I get home... and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife
Jean, n**... with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable,
the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Ah now, calm down, calm down p**...!" says his mother-in-law. "There
is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"p**.... I told you there must be a simple explanation ....
She never got your E-mail!"
Mom had kidney stones.
The expecting mother had a kidney stone during her pregnancy of her daughter but the stone somehow moved into the fetus, it lived in the girl until she was 12 when it came out during a pee.
She had another daughter and the same thing happened with the kidney stone and again she had a pee at 12 and it came out.
She then had a boy and again he had her kidney stone and when he was 12...."Mom! you'll never guess what happened?"
"Did you pee out the kidney stone?"
"What? no, I was m**... and I shot the dog!"
When I was first diagnosed with schizophrenia, I was devastated.
I guess that's what happens when the voices tell you to jump under a dump truck.
A man's wife is in the hospital.
The doctor come into the room and says "Sir your wife is very ill and I'm afraid there isn't much we can do for her at this time." The man looks very distraught so the doctor adds in a quieter voice "look there is some anecdotal evidence that o**... s**... can be beneficial to people with your wife's condition, you could try that." The doctor leaves the room and 5 minutes later the cardiac arrest alarm starts going off.
The doctor rushes back into the room and exclaims "what happened?!" The husband says "I don't know, I guess she choked."
A pregnant woman goes to the bank.
A Pregnant Woman goes to the Bank and she gets shot 3 times in the stomach by a Robber.
Miraculously though her 3 triplets somehow managed to absorb the bullets in the w**....
The doctors cannot explain it and after a lot of research they still couldn't explain how it happened.
16 years later her oldest triplet came running down the stairs.
"Mum! Mum! I had a p**... and a bullet came out!" her daughter yelled.
"The doctor said this might happen" the mother said as she reassured her.
The next day her second daughter came down the stairs.
"Mum! Mum! I had a p**... and a bullet came out!"
And again the mother reassured her.
The third day her son came running the down the stairs yelling "Mum! Mum!"
"Let me guess you had a p**... and a bullet came out" the mother said.
"No! I was m**... and shot the dog!"
Did you hear about the Pharaoh getting kicked out of the Grammy's?
I guess that's what happens when you toot on Common.
In light of everything happening in Maryland....
I guess you could say that "Less is Baltimore".
I broke my can opener....
.... I guess it was a can't opener.
Source: happened when I tried to open a can of soup this morning.
I just heard a dried up grape won the lottery, got a supermodel girlfriend and won a brand new car.
I guess everything happens for a raisin.
I can't believe this happened
I was on the toilet, and shortly after I sat down I heard from the stall next door, "Hi, how are you?". Embarrassed but not wanting to be rude I said "doing fine?" Then I hear them ask "So what are you up to?". ?!?! "Um..." I said "Same as you I'd guess. Just sitting here." Then I'm completely caught off guard when asked "Can I come over?" "I'm kind of busy at the moment" Annoyed I responded. Then I hear "Listen, I'll call you back later, the idiot in the next stall is answering all of my questions."
What happened to all the pokemon GO jokes?
I guess people have made the "switch" to another fad.
I guess one possible bright side of trump getting elected would be...
Maybe I might live in an age where an assassination happens.
An old woman just kept using all her pokemon up
I guess that's just what happens when old women go through metapods.
A teacher reminds her class for tomorrow's exam
A teacher reminds her class of the yearly test tomorrow.
"And remember class, there is no excuse for missing the test tomorrow, not a hurricane, not a f**..., not a nuclear attack, nothing!"
Little Johnny in the corner then pipes up and says
"What would happen if I came into class suffering from complete and utter s**... exhaustion?
The whole class bursts into laughter. The teacher walks up to Johnny and smiles and says
"I'd guess you'd have to write the test left-handed."
My family has started to really challenge my belief that all future events are preordained.
But I guess that was bound to happen.
Two nuns are out for a stroll...
... they happen by a produce stand with lots fresh-from-the-farm offerings.
The first nun says "Oh my, look at those cucumbers. They look great and they're huge!"
The second nun nods her head excitedly and asks: "How much are those cucumbers young man?"
"They're three for two dollars," he replies.
The nuns smile at the vendor, then at each other.
The first nun says "Well, I guess we'll have to *eat* one!"
Something positive in my life that happened recently? Last week I got laid
off from work. I guess it's not that positive.
Today I Saw A Living Tea Cup.
But it was missing an arm, so I asked "what happened to your arm?"
He reply with "I had to get surgery to remove it."
"Oh"
"So I guess your an amputea?"
I'm talking to my daughter, sister in law and my dad just now. SIL: Have you ever had a pedicure? Daughter: oh yeah I have. Me: I've given her a pedicure before.
Dad: so I guess you could call yourself a... pediphile.
*Ugh* thanks dad.
And yes this actually just happened.
One day, I went to a cafe.
The cafe was full with couples, no seat available for me. But, I was determined to get a seat there. What did I do?
I took my mobile and made a fake call (actually no call at all) and start talking, "Hey dude! Do you have your girlfriend with you?"
I noticed that few of the girls were staring at me!!
I continued to talk over mobile " Ohho!! That means she is dating with someone else, I think. You kow, I can see yor girlfriend with another person here in this cafe."
Can you guess, what happened?
Few of the girls left the cafe before my fake call ended!! Ha ha ha.
A civilization of sentient deer may sound interesting
But I get the strange feeling that they'd make no progress in advancing their own culture once they come into contact with humans.
I guess that's what happens when you encounter Stagnation
I felt so bad about what happened that I sent two telegrams apologizing.
I guess I had to express my re-morse.
A r**... was walking down the road carrying a bag...
His friend happened to pass by and asked, "Hey, bud, what's in the bag?"
"Chickens," he answered.
"Say, if I can guess how many chickens you got in there, will you give me one?"
"Heck, if you can guess how many, I'll give ya both of 'em!"
They say drinking milk makes you stronger...
So I drank a carton of milk, and then I tried to push my fridge and it didn't even budge.
Frustrated, I decided to drink a bottle of v**..., and guess what happened?
The fridge moved itself
A Man and Woman are getting it on for the first time
She takes his socks off and notices his gnarly toes
"What happen to your toes?" she asks
he says " when i was a child i suffered from Toelio"
She says "you mean Polio?
He says "no it's like polio but of the toes"
She isn't willing to let this stop her. And she slides his pants down and notices his oddly colored weirdly shaped knees.
"What happened to your knees?" she asks
"in my teens i had the kneesles" he says
She said "you mean the measles?"
he says "no it's like the measles but of the knees"
Still this won't stop her. She slides his boxers down. She giggles and says "let me guess...smallcox"
What happened to E?
Detective: What happened to E?
Pathologist: Looking at the remains' bone structures, all I can tell you is that E had to be a guy.
Detective: I guess that makes this case about a Mister E.
An old lady was cleaning an ancient lamp in her attic
And then p**... , a genie appeared and asked if he can grant 3 wishes for her .
The old lady said
- I want to be young and beautiful again
- I want to very rich
- my cat should become a handsome prince
p**... the next moment she is young , sitting in her palace and her cat now transformed into a prince started crying ..
She asked what happened ?
Cat : I guess you forgot the time you had me neutered !!
I bought tickets for the W.W.F. Final You never would have guessed what happened next?
A fight broke out.
My computer made a popping sound today...
...guess that's what happens when the Kernel overheats.
The news said that the Thai boys trapped in the cave system had no idea about the world outside following the happenings of the rescue, so I guess you could say that....
They were in the dark about their situation!
I tweeted a joke about a b**..., and a few hours later a b**... happened. So I got a call from the FBI, and needless to say they weren't friendly.
I guess my joke was too soon.
Use any units you'd like (actually happened in a class of mine)
Professor: Anyone want to guess the Earth's magnetic field strength? Use any units you'd like.
Student: *raises hand*
Professor: Yes?
Student: 1 Earth
So I started dating this girl.
It's been a thriving relationship so far but I've been seeing less and less of her lately. I guess that's what happens when you date an anorexic chick.
Two Egyptians are on a first date together.
They decide to go to a nice restaurant and begin finding out about each other. As the evening progresses, it seems that they don't like or do a lot of the same things. Bummed that it doesn't look like this first date is a success, they decide to walk to get some ice cream in the hopes to finish off the evening on a good note. As they were walking, both let out a really loud f**.... Awkwardly they stare at each other and laugh when they realized what just happened.
I guess they both realized they had that toot-in-common.
A store manager watches from a distance as a salesperson argues with a customer.
After a few minutes, the customer storms out of the store.
I saw what just happened, the manager says, and I guess you've forgotten my motto of 'the customer is always right.'
I know, the salesperson says, but . . .
No buts, says the manager. The customer is always right.
Fine, responds the salesperson.
What were you two arguing about? the manager asks.
The salesperson answers, He called you an idiot.
polygon
the guru was happily teaching math to the students at his home. He said
"5 sides --> pentagon"
"6 sides -->hexagon"
"8 sides -->octagon"
.....then suddenly, the guru got a sudden heart attack, he fell onto the ground making a loud "thud" sound and died on the spot. Hearing the sound, his wife came running from the other room and asked "what happened ?"
Guess what the students said ?
"--> gurugon"
Monday morning in the office, a man notices that his colleague is very sad.
At breakfast, he approaches him:What's wrong? You look really beat today.
Don't ask, I had the worst weekend you could imagine.
What happened?
I was visiting an old friend that I haven't seen in years and the family caught me sniffing his sister's underwear.
Okay, that's not nice, but no need to get all misty.
Well, she was still wearing them.
Oh, that's even worse.
Yeah, it ruined her whole f**....
Sorry, no native english speaker, but i guess you get the point.
A couple of good covid jokes I've heard
1. I dont know anything about Coronavirus other than if you have it; you get an undeniable urge to go the airport.
2. By the point most of the world has been exposed to covid 19, but the people in Wuhan got it right of the bat.
3. You know why I think coronavirus wont last for more than a year.
WHY?
coz it's made in China.
4. I dont think anyone saw a worldwide pandemic happening this year. I guess most people don't have 2020 vision.
A man was chatting with his friend.
\-"Guess what happened! I found this woman tied to the railroad tracks. I untied her, and then we made love all night!"
\-"That's amazing dude! What did she look like?"
\-"I don't know, I never found her head."
A boy walks in late to class.
That day they have a substitute. She asks the boy "Where have you been, and why are you late?"
He says: "Sorry I was on Blueberry Hill."
and takes his seat. About 5 min later another boy comes in late.
The substitute asks " Where have you been, and why are you late?"
He says: "Sorry, I was on Blueberry Hill."
and takes his seat.
This happens 2 more times.
About 5 min after the last boy a girl walks in.
The teacher says" let me guess you were on Blueberry Hill!?"
The girls says" No,.... I am Blueberry Hill!"
My Asian eye doctor
Since I am half-Chinese and half-Filipino, and in recognition of AAPI month, I shall relate what happened visiting the eye doctor. I had been having trouble seeing while driving, so I went to my eye doctor, who happens to be Asian like me. He did the usual things, the eye charts, peering into my eyes, glaucoma test, etc. Finally, he sat back and said, "I know why you have trouble seeing while driving. You have a cataract."
"Bad guess, doc," I replied. "I have a Mercedes."
Five Things
Here are the five best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk at work: 5) "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 4) "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to." 3) "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time." 2) "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?" And the number one best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: 1) Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus' name, amen."
An American and a Russian are arguing about which country has more freedom.
The American says, I can walk right up to the White House and shout 'Down with Joe Biden!' and nothing bad will happen to me.
The Russian replies, Guess what? I can walk in front of Kremlin and shout 'Down with Joe Biden!' and nothing will happen to me either.