guess Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious guess stories

What are the best Guess puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Guess? Well here is a complete list of Guess dad jokes:

Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump.

But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.

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Joke I heard from a 99 year old Holocaust survivor

A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".

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Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween

I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.

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I was telling a girl I met in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her tits.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

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I never understood school shooting jokes

I guess they're aimed at a younger audience...

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My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair

Guess who came crawling back

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Had sex with my girlfriend a couple days ago..

My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago.

She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt".

I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.

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A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!'

'Mmm?'

'Not that many!'

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Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex?

My ex.

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My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

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My girlfriend said if I turned off the light, I could stick it in her ass.

After I tried, she freaked out and told me never again.

I guess the bulb was hot.

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I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs...

"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded
"Come on, what day was I born?"

Yesterday." I replied.

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My little sister made a face at my mom and said "Guess who I am?"

My mom answered "Who?"

"Your daughter"

courtesy of my 4 year old sister about 20 minutes ago

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When 2 people have sex it's called a twosome. When 3 people do it it's called a threesom

I guess that's why they call me handsome...

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Two guys meet at the store.

Two guys, one old, one young,
are pushing their carts around the grocery store
when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention
to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well,
maybe I can help you find her...
what does she look like?"
The young guy says,
"Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall,
with red hair,
blue eyes, is buxom wearing no bra,
long legs,
and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours."

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I was telling this girl about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs...

"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?"

Yesterday." I replied.

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A man dies and goes to hell.

The devil says he must choose a room in hell to spend the rest of eternity in. He walks into the first room and sees a bunch of people doing headstands on a wood floor.

He thinks "No way. I can't do that for eternity"

He walks into the second room and sees a bunch of people doing headstands on a metal floor.

He thinks "I definitely can't do that for eternity"

He walks into a third room where theres a bunch of people standing in 4 feet of shit and drinking coffee.

He says to himself "...well I guess I could get used to the smell."

After 10 minutes in the room, the devil comes in and says "Alright, coffee break's over. Back to headstands."

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Bar Psychic

I was telling a girl in a bar about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs...

"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?"

Yesterday." I replied.

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TIL Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate halloween..

guess they don't appreciate random people knocking on their doors

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So my lesbian neighbours asked me what I wanted for my birthday...

They got me a Rolex. I guess they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch".

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I don't know why I broke up with my girl at the gym...

I guess we just weren't working out.

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So the essay portion of the SATs will be dropped in 2016...

I guess we'll just have to call them the Ts.

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Lost Wife

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around a shopping mall when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a red halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter - let's look for yours."

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Met a cute guy at the bar, gave him my number and told him to text me when he got home

I guess he's homeless.

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My doctor said diarrhea is hereditary.

I guess it runs in your genes

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I was on a plane and the air hostess said, "Want some headphones?"

I said, "Blimey. How'd you guess that my name is Phones?"

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Three brothers eating soup

A mom has three sons and she's making them soup, While she's not looking a cupboard above the stove opens and a box of beebee's falls in the soup. She keeps cooking, serves them lunch and they go back outside to play. Ten minutes later the first boy comes in and says 'Mommy I was peeing and a beebee came out.' She doesn't believe him and he goes back out to play. Ten minutes later the second boy comes in and says 'Mommy I was peeing and a beebee came out.' She doesn't believe him and he goes back out to play. Ten minutes later, the oldest boy comes in and the mom says 'Let me guess, you were taking a pee and a beebee came out?' He says 'No, I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

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"Dad, what is politics?"

"Son, if you think of our home as a country, your mom is the congress which makes the rules, I am the executive which runs the day-to-day affairs of the country, you represent the common man, your little brother is the future of the country, and our maid is the labor class"

"Dad, I guess I understood it all last night when the executive was screwing the labor class in the kitchen while the congress was sleeping, common man didn't care about anything and the country's future was crying his heart out"

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I just received a chain letter and if I don't re-send it a dead woman will appear in my closet....

Guess who's getting laid tonight.

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Woke up to a surprise blowjob this morning

Guess I better learn to sleep with my mouth closed

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Guess what came in the mail today

I did, I ran out of tissue.

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Have you heard like 50% of Chinese people have cataracts?

Yeah, I guess the other 50% drive "rincoln towncah".

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Guess my age?

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29".
"I am actually 47" This makes him feel really good.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it`s done. You are 47."
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

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I missed a question on my biology exam today.

The question was "what are commonly found in cells?" I guess "black people" wasn't the right answer.

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I received a rolex for Christmas from the lesbian couple who live next door.

Now, while I am happy with the gift, I guess they didn`t quite understand what I meant when I told them, "I wanna watch".

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So there's a girl on the beach with no arms and no legs...

So there's a girl on the beach with no arms and no legs. A good looking guy walks by and she says "Hey can you hug me I've never been hugged before." so the guy hugs her. She then says "Hey could you kiss me I've never been kissed before." so the guy gives her a kiss. Seeing an opportunity she says "Hey can you fuck me I've never been fucked before." The guy picks her up throws her in the ocean and yells "HEY WELL I GUESS YOU'RE FUCKED NOW!"

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A guy enters a bar...

A guy enters a bar and orders a whole tequila bottle. The barman asks him what's up and the guy says: "I've just found out one of my sons is gay".
Next day, the same guy orders two tequila bottles. "Today, the other son told me he's also gay..." explains him to the barman.
The third day - now the guy asks for 3 tequila bottles.
"So, I guess there is no one left in your family who likes pussy..." - says the barman.
"Oh yes, there is", replies the guy. "My wife."

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A little girl went to her mom...

*I don't know if I'm doing a good job translating this from my native language, I hope you like it either way*
A little girl goes to her mother and says: "Mom, guess what? Some hair grew on my pussy!"
The mother replied: "That's not a very polite thing to say, honey! If you tell your older sister tell her that 'your monkey grew some hair'."
The girl went to her sister and told her that "her monkey grew some hair". The sister looked at her and said: "You're still there?! My monkey is already eating bananas!"

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My wife said she wanted to have sex like in the movies..

..so I fucked her in the arse and came on her face and in her hair.

I guess we don't watch the same movies.

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So a man says to a woman, can I smell your vagina?

Horrified, she slaps him and screams "NO"!

He rubs his cheek and says, "I guess it must be your feet then."

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In school, the teacher warns her students...

..."I will not tolerate any excuses for any kind. I might consider a nuclear attack, serious injury or even the death of a relative, but whoever misses this exam will fail the class."

The class's wise-guy says:

"But teacher, what if tomorrow I arrive to class completely exhausted from last night's amazing sex?"

The teacher says:

"Well I guess you'll have to do the exam with your left hand, then."

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GUESS WHAT I SAW!

Wood.

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"Speeding"

Tom is cruising down the highway way over the speed limit. Cop pulls him over.
"Sorry officer, guess the speedometer got away from me. Happens every time I get hammered and try to drive home."
"What?! You're intoxicated?"
"Well I needed a stiff drink after I shot that guy! It's okay though, I managed to fit the body in the trunk."
"Sir, keep your hands where I can see them. Give me your license and registration right now."
"Well I would but it's in the glove box where I threw the gun, it's still pretty bloody and I don't want it to fall out until it's dried."
"Do. Not. Move. I'm calling for back-up."
Back-up gets there. Second officer gets out, and says
"Sir, please open your trunk."
Tom opens it. Clean as a whistle.
"Please show me your glove box."
Tom opens it. Clean as a whistle, along with his license and registration.
"I'll need you to take a breathalyzer."
Tom blows a .00
"Well what's going on? This officer said you had a dead body in the trunk, a bloody gun in the glove box and were drunk."
Tom says,
"Ha, I bet he said I was speeding, too."

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Blowing Bubbles

There is this door in an ally. Three guys walk out of it. A curious man asked the first guy," what were you doing in there"? The man answered "I was blowing bubbles" The curious man asks the second guy what he was doing, and the man answered, "I was blowing bubbles". Then the curious man said, "Let me guess, you were blowing bubbles". Then the last guy said," What the fuck are you talking about I am bubbles."

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A blonde and a shepherd.

A blonde, tired of people assuming she's stupid, goes to a salon and has her hair dyed brown. On her way home she sees a shepherd and his flock of sheep. She stops and asks, "if I guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?" The shepherd agrees and the blonde guesses, "237." He does some quick figures in his head, realizes she's right and tells her to grab one. As she comes back with her pick **he** asks, "if I guess what color your roots are, can I have my dog back?"

**

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Guess who I ran into when I went to get my glasses.

Everybody

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Missing wives.

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around- WalMart when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.

The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too... I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her... what does she look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?'

To which the old guy says, Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."

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A drill sergeant and his cadet..

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets. As he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave." The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"

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So I've got some buddies...

They just so happen to be a high-ranking officials in Denver,Colorado. They're currently trying to get Republicans and Democrats to both agree to legalize medical marijuana to ease arthritis symptoms. I guess you could say I have friends in high places in high places in high places for joint support for joint support for joint support.

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A Man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner..

The man and woman both decide not to tell their children what kind of meat it is, but to let them guess instead.

After a moment of silence, the dad gives them a hint, "It's what mommy calls me sometimes."

The little girl begins screaming to her brother, "DON'T EAT IT, It's an asshole!!!"

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best guess jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about guess. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty guess gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

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