Guards Jokes

What are some Guards jokes?

Why do the guards around Big Ben always look so tired?

Because they're working around the clock.

Why do prison guards use Proactive?

To prevent further breakouts.

I was shocked to find out that 35% of America's prison population is white.

Surely we don't need that many guards.

People act surprised when I tell them my grandfather survived the holocaust.

Most of the guards survived didn't they?

A man lines up for food in Soviet Russia...

After two hours of waiting he gets his turn and offers his bowl.

Out of soup. says the officer in charge and waves him aside.

The man refuses to leave. He tosses the bowl on the table and curses the regime for failing his starving family.

The officer motions to the guards and they wrestle the ranting man away. As they shove him outside, one says to the man:

Back then we could've shot you in the snow, comrade.

The man goes back home to his wife. She sees him looking glum as he walks in and asks:

Ran out of soup again?

Even worse, he replied. They ran out of bullets.

Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin were having a meeting in a 20-story building.

During a break the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards.

First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said, "Ivan, jump down."

Ivan replied in tears, "Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son."

Putin explained that he was only joking, and let Ivan out.

Then Kim Jong-Un called his guard Lee, and told him to jump. Lee started running toward the window.

Putin grabbed him and said, "Are you crazy? You will die if you jump!"

Struggling, Lee replied, "Let me go! I have a wife and a son!"

How many prison guards does it take to throw an inmate down a flight of stairs?

None, he fell.

Skyrim guards and Pornhub share a similar rule

No Loli Gagging

Going through customs at a US airport

Customs agent: Do you have anything to declare today?
Me: *starts sweating* ummmmm no. *trips and falls. Hundred of Kinder eggs spill from my pockets, jacket and bag*
Customs agent: GET ON THE FLOOR NOW!
Me: But, I am -
*armed guards swarm around and pin me down*
Armed guards: WHAT'S IN THE EGGS!!!
Me: I don't know, it's a surprise!!

(Sorry if the formatting sucks. On mobile)

A man in prison

A man, who is sentenced to life imprisonment, decides to dig a tunnel to escape. He works for many months on this tunnel, and finally finishes it. He decides to break out during the day, figuring the guards will not suspect this. As he breaks through the ground to the surface, he finds himself in a preschool playground.
He is surprised, but he rejoices anyway, shouting, "I'm free, I'm free!"
At this a little girl approaches him, puts her hand on her hip, and says, "big deal! I'm four!"

It's ridiculous that the pope has to go around surrounded by armed guards these days

I know he's a priest but he's not going to do anything out in public

Why are Australian security guards so good at playing chess?

They always check, mate

Stalin is into the fifth hour of his speech, when someone sneezes

***"Who sneezed!"***, he shouts.

No one answers.

***"First row, stand up"***... they obediently get on their feet.

***"Guards, shoot them"***... they're gunned down where they stood.

***"Now who sneezed?"*** ... still nothing.

***"Second row, on your feet ... guards, shoot them."***

***"Now who sneezed?"*** ... absolute silence.

***"Third row, stand up ... "***

A small backbencher gets up. He's uncontrollably sobbing.

*"I sneezed! I sneezed!!"*

Stalin stares at him and says, ***"Bless you, comrade."***

A King asks two guards to protect his beautiful daughter's virginity...

Unbeknownst to the guards, the king put a trap in his daughter's nether regions.

The next day, the king summons the guards and one showed up with mangled genitals. The King had him executed for making attempts on his daughter.

The other guard, with his manhood intact was offered a promotion for upholding abstinence, to which he replied "hnnnggg"

A man named Martin is lost in the desert and came upon an oasis.

Upon stumbling into camp and drinking hastily from the well, the sheik of the oasis steps out of the largest tent and orders his guards to arrest him. The sheik explains that Martin has drunk from the precious little water left to the oasis and can either fight to the death with the sheik or dig and dig in the hot desert with no water till he finds another well. Martin, figuring he has no chance of surviving the digging, takes on the sheik.

The sheik, an expert fighter, pities him and offers him a shot of vodka to calm his nerves before facing his death. Martin, in his drunken stupor, takes up the sheik's sword and lops the sheik's head off with no warning. The whole oasis cries out in joy at the death of the tyrannical sheik and informs him that now he had become sheik himself, but Martin had already dozed off and not heard any of it, so they left him alone till he came to.

And on that day, the Vodka'd Martin, he was sheik and not stirred.

A man takes his family to the courtyard to see a beheading

He arrives, but no one is one the stage besides the guards. A half hour later, the headsman arrived on the stage.

I'm terribly sorry about the wait. I hope it didn't cause any of you to lose your heads, the headsman says, and chuckles a little to himself at his joke.
The beheading proceeds according to plan, and as the man leaves, the jester stops him.

Good sir, I may ask you a question. I'm thinking of perusing a career in comedy. What did you think of my joke?

The man thinks for a second, and responds The timing is was off, but the execution was incredible!

No hurry!

Three traitors were captured in the war and were about to face a firing squad. Before their execution they were asked what they would like to eat for their last meal.

The first prisoner asked for a juicy steak. He was served the steak and then taken away to be shot.

The second prisoner requested roast duck. He was served the duck and then taken away to be shot.

The third prisoner asked for strawberries. Strawberries? asked the guards. But they're out of season! It's okay, said the prisoner. I'll wait….

A plane is spotted trying to land at Area 51

One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base. The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards. The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Vegas, gotten lost, and nearly run out of fuel, so he put his plane down at the first runway he saw. After extensive background checks, it is proven that the pilot isn't a spy and he is set to be released the following morning.

Before he is allowed to leave, he is given the "You didn't see anything" talk, and is told that under absolutely no circumstances is he allowed to tell anyone where he was, or what he saw. The Air Force fuels up the man's plane, gives him a proper heading to get back to Las Vegas, and sends him on his way.

Later that day, the man's plane is again spotted getting ready to land at Area 51. This time there are two people in the plane. When the plane touches down, it is immediately surrounded by guards again. As soon as it comes to a stop, the man hops out and yells: "Do whatever you want to me, but SOMEBODY has to tell my wife where I was last night."

Two armed guards were standing at a street corner...

They see a man walking casually on the other side of the street. The first guard raises his rifle and shoots the pedestrian, killing him instantly.

The second guard says to the first, "What was that for?"

"He was out past curfew." Replied the first guard.

"What do you mean?" Said the second guard, "It's not curfew for another hour."

"Yeah, but I knew the guy," Said the first guard, "He could never have made it home in time."

What do you call Elon musk's body guards?


You can tell a lot about the different branches of the armed services by their use of the word "secure":

Order Marines to secure a building and they'll attack it.

Order soldiers to secure a building and they'll post guards around it.

Order airmen to secure a building and they'll buy it.

Order sailors to secure a building and they'll turn off the lights, lock the doors, and go out drinking.

Three men in prison are about to be executed.

There are three men standing in a prison yard, about to be executed for their crimes. They are offered a choice in execution style; beheading via guillotine, death by firing squad or an injection of HIV.

The first man chooses beheading. He's led to the guillotine by the guards, positioned, and executed. Blood sprays everywhere and his head goes rolling across the yard.

Horrified by what he's just seen, the second man chooses to be shot. The guards lead him to a wall, six other guards point their weapons at him, and they open fire. The man dies fairly slowly, choking on his own blood.

The third man is totally calm. He says, somewhat smugly, that he'd like to be given the HIV injection.

The guards summon the doctor, who gives the third man his injection. Back in his own cell later, the third man begins laughing quietly to himself. Confused, his bunkmate asks what's so funny.

"Those idiots," the man replies. "I was wearing a condom the whole time!"

Peter is staring up at Jesus on the cross.

Suddenly their eyes meet and Jesus calls out, "Peter! Peter!"

Peter runs to the foot of the cross but he is beaten and forced back by the Roman guards. Once again he looks up when he hears his savior cry, "Peter. Peter."

Jesus's voice is much weaker now and that spurs Peter up the hill to the foot of the cross where he is again beaten and forced back down the hill.

"Peter... Peter." The voice is very weak now and in desperation Peter fights his way to the cross, climbs up near Jesus's head and says, "Yes, My Lord?"

"Peter, I can see your house from here..."

The only people who can beat Trump in 2020

are the guards and his fellow inmates

The difference between the services

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don't speak the same language.

For instance, Take the simple phrase secure the building :
The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.

So Jesus was in the midst of crucifixion...

and Peter was emotionally devastated over the events that had transpired. He felt completely helpless, but he faintly hears Jesus calling his name, "Peter....Peter.." He tries to respond but the centurion guards had built up quite a barricade. Again he hears the calls, "Peter... Peter..." So Peter tries to usher his way through to hear the last words of his master, only to pushed to the ground by the mob.

Jesus calls him one last time, "Peter... Peter.." So Peter musters all of his strength, bust through the guards, clambers up the hill to his master, bloodied and battered, "Master, I have reached you" Jesus looks down at him from the cross and says "Peter, I can see your house from here house from here."

Why are there so many life guards at synchronised swimming events?

Well, if one of them drowns, they all have to.

Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin were having a meeting in a 20 story building.

During a break the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards.

First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said, "Ivan, jump down."

Ivan replied in tears, "Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son."

Putin explained that he was only joking, and let Ivan out.

Then Kim Jong-Un called his guard Lee, and told him to jump. Lee started running
toward the window.

Putin grabbed him and said, "Are you crazy? You will die if you jump!"

Struggling, Lee replied, "Let me go! I have a wife and a son!"

What do you call soft-spoken security guards at the Samsung store?

Gaurdians of the Galaxy: Volume 2

What do you call Shakira's bodyguards?

Shakira-ty guards

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead escape from their cells on a prison island...

... They sneak past the guards and make it to the shoreline. The mainland is a kilometre away, through dangerous waters.

The brunette, being the bravest, leaves first. She swims as hard as she can, but after only a few hundred meters she becomes exhausted and drowns.

The redhead leaves second. She is smarter and swims more slowly, but just as she passed half way a shark eats her.

The blonde, a natural athlete, embarks on her perilous swim. Miraculously, she avoids all sharks and swims until she is only 50m from the shoreline!
Exhausted, she says, "It's too far, I can't make it!", and swims back.

One day a court astrologer predicted that the Queen would die next day.

One day a court astrologerΒ predicted that the Queen would die next day.

WhenΒ she really died the next day, theΒ King wanted to get the astrologer killedΒ as he thought that he had purposefully conspired to kill the Queen to fulfill his prophecy.

The guards brought the astrologer to the court and the King asked him:Β "You seem to predict very well. Tell me, when are you going to die?"

The astrologer, with dead seriousness on his tone, said-"I shall die three days before you, Oh great king of kings!".

His life was spared.

Why do blondes make awful bank robbers?

Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards.

A frog is arrested for murder...

Mr. Frog was arrested and sentenced to 30 years for murder. For 30 years he was stuck in a small cell. His interaction with the outside world was the guards and all these flies that would swarm through his cell window.

Every day the guards would check on Mr. Frog and bring him fresh water. The guards were always amazed that the frogs only activity was gulpng these flies but he always had a huge frog grin throughout the decades.

Finally, it was time for Mr. Frog to be released. He hopped back to his old pond and encountered an old acquaintance.

"You're out! Was your time locked up hard and boring?"

"No," replied Mr. Frog, "time is fun when you're having flies."

Why can't life guards save hippies?

Because they're too far out, man!

Two East German guards were standing near the Berlin wall.

"What do you think of our regime?" asked the first.

"The same as you!" the second replied.

"In that case," said the first guard, "it is my duty to arrest you!"

Yesterday I was walking past the state prison

and saw a midget in an orange jumpsuit climbing down from the concrete wall, screaming insults at the guards.

I thought, "Well, thats a little condescending little con descending"

What do you call security guards at the Apple store?

Adam and Eve.

You're in a heavily guarded room with walls all around you, and you only have a mirror and a table. How do you get out?

You look in the mirror, you see what you saw.
You take the saw, you cut the table in half.
Two halves make a whole, put the hole in the wall.
You talk with the guards until your voice gets hoarse, you get on the horse and ride away.

My grandpa was one of the Holocaust survivors...

But then again, most guards survived.

An Irish, a British, and American soldiers...

...had just helped each other escape from an Axis prisoner camp in WW2 Germany. As they run through the Bavarian forest, they hear alarms sounding, and soon afterwards, they hear dogs barking and guards yelling to each other.

The barking and yelling gets louder and louder, and the escapees realize that they'll be caught if they keep on running, and decide to take cover by climbing up separate trees.

The dogs start circling the tree, and jumping up and down around the trunk on the very tree the American has climbed. The guards shout "Come down or we'll shoot!" Thinking quickly, he quickly calls down "who! who!" The German guards say to each other "Das ist eine owl", and call the dogs off.

The dogs follow the trail to the second tree, and the guards call up "Come down or we'll shoot!" The Brit calls down "CAW! CAW!!!" The guards say "Ahh. Das ist eine crow".

The guards follow the dogs to the third tree where the Irishman had climbed. Again they called up "Come down or we'll shoot!" The Irishman thought for a moment and then called down "Moo! Moo!"

***NOT MINE: ** Shamelessly stolen from an Irish joke book I had as a kid. Yes, I am Irish.*

To much precaution...

Two security guards obtained me at the airport after they opened my luggage and found some IcyHot patches, they said: I was packing heat.

Apple have begun making prison guards...

Apparently they like to lock up.

Germans make the worst coast guards

Help help I'm sinking!
What are you sinking about?

A Roman Emperor orders his guards to arrest his wife.

He orders them to Ceas'er.

Two guards are standing in front of a gate,

Guard 1: what year is it?

Guard 2: 75 B.C.

Guard 1: what does B.C mean?

Guard 2: Before Christ.

Guard 1: what is Christ?

Guard 2: i have no idea.

Prisoners actually have a lot in common with Presidents...

They're both fed and housed by tax payers, surrounded by armed guards 24/7, neither can leave the gates without attracting attention, and both are often hated by the general public. It seems to me that the only difference between them is that we often catch the criminal that's responsible, but we keep putting the wrong guy in office.

There was a king.

He was having a problem with barbarians in his kingdom, so he began sending guards to patrol the roads at night.

One of his nobles sent some of his city guard to help with the efforts, and a fool to keep the king's mood up.

The king was polite, but full of pride, so he sent the guards back with the message, "I have plenty of guards of my own, but I appreciate the jester."

A man walks into an art museum...

...saunters past a guard and rips a painting off the wall with his bare hands. The guards attempt to stop him as he runs out of the museum, but he is too quick and acrobatic and evades all of their efforts. Just out the museum doors, he hops into the back of a white van that begins speeding away with impressive acceleration; he holds the painting tauntingly out of the back of the van to mock the guards who tried to stop him, standing aghast on the museum steps. A passerby comments to his friend, "wow, look at that van go!"

"No, you idiot," his friend says, "that's a Rembrandt."

Two prisoners were escaping down a ladder...

Two prisoners were escaping down a ladder. While the seasoned prisoner at the top watched for guards, the new prisoner went down the ladder first and slowly. Once the ladder was clear, the seasoned prisoner slid down in just three seconds, then he scolded the new prisoner for being so slow. The new prisoner replied, "Well, look at mister con descending here."

Bunch of mainly old rich white folks gathered in a big fancy room guarded by armed guards to discuss about coloured people

So how was Oscars y'all?

So there's a brunette a redhead and a blonde who are trying to escape from a prison. The guards are onto to them, so they all hide in sacks....

The guards see the sacks moving and sends over a soldier to poke each one of them with his gun.The guard pokes the first one and the brunette says "woof" and the guard goes "Oh it's just a dog" he pokes the second one and the redhead goes "meow" and the guard says "it's just a cat". He then pokes the third and the blonde goes "potatoes".

Crossing guards get mad when you call them what they really are...

Human Traffic-ers.

There was a bay guard

He had this job for many years, but he retired at 45. He decided that he would try to make juice and sell it for extra cash.

He bought everything needed, and began. However, he could never make any juice. He learned a valuable lesson that day:

Bay guards can't be juicers.

Trump and Putin are comparing whose bodyguards are the bravest.

Trump starts, *"Mine are tremendously brave. They're terrific... fantastic... absolutely courageous."*

He gestures to one of his guards, *"Show how brave you are by jumping out of the window."*

The guard obediently stands on the ledge. Before jumping, he tells Trump, *"Please Mr. President, think of my family."*

Trump is reduced to tears, *"You've proven your loyalty. Take the day off."*

It's Putin's turn. Without even the slightest gesture, his bodyguard knows what to do. He stands on the ledge and prepares to jump.

*"That's enough!"*, Trump shouts, *"Climb back down now!"*

The guard replies, *"Please Mr. President, think of my family."*

What do the guards shout at the Shawshank sweatshop?

Get busy stitching, or get busy dying.

Crossing guards are like morticians.

They're just waiting for someone to cross over.

German tourist crosses Polish border

German tourist crosses Polish border. Border guards ask him:






-No, just traveling.

How many jail guards does it take to change a light bulb?

Why does it matter? Everyone knows the prison system can't change anything.

How to make Guards jokes?

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