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Guard Jokes

157 guard jokes and hilarious guard puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about guard that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Are you looking for some good-natured jokes about the brave men and women who protect us from harm? Look no further! This article has got all the best guard jokes about the Coast Guard, National Guard, Prison Guard, Color Guard, Crossing Guard, Bodyguard, LEM and Warden. Get ready to laugh!

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Funniest Guard Short Jokes

Short guard jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The guard humour may include short protect jokes also.

  1. A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.
  2. Prisoner: I'm sorry I tried to escape. Guard: I'm not mad, just........disappointed.
    Remember, kids, never let your guard down.
  3. Why do the guards around Big Ben always look so tired? Because they're working around the clock.
  4. what do you call a security guard at a Samsung store "A guardian of the galaxys"
    my 11yo told me this one yesterday, and i thought it needed to be shared with the world 🤣
  5. A Russian Tourist Travels Abroad. Border guard: Nationality?
    tourist: Russian.
    Border guard: Occupation?
    Tourist: No, no, just visiting this time.
  6. I went on a job interview for a security guard. After spending 12 hours in the waiting room... ...they hired me.
  7. A guard asks a woman on death row what she'd like for her final meal. idk, what do you want?
  8. My next job, I want to be the security guard at the philosophy building of a university... I will spend my days asking philosophy students Who are you, and why are you here?
  9. Hired a bouncer recently, but he showed up 5 minutes late, and during the event he wouldn't stop asking me if "I was mad at him" Turns out I hired an "Insecurity Guard".
  10. The bouncer that I hired won't stop asking me if "I'm mad at him" I think I accidentally hired an "Insecurity Guard"

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Guard One Liners

Which guard one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with guard? I can suggest the ones about keeper and defense.

  1. Why does the american border patrol guard take Xanax? To stop hispanic attacks.
  2. At my job, I have 500 people under me. I'm a security guard at a cemetery.
  3. What would a Skyrim guard say if he saw you choking a little girl? No loli gaggin'
  4. Why couldn't the life guard save the drowning hippie? He was too far out, man.
  5. If you're the guard at a Samsung store ... Does that make you the guardian of the galaxy?
  6. Why do prison guards use Proactive? To prevent further breakouts.
  7. I finally got my job as a Samsung store guard. Now I'm the Guardian of the Galaxies.
  8. My Grandfather died in auschwitz Poor guy fell out of the guard tower
  9. Skyrim guards and Pornhub share a similar rule No Loli Gagging
  10. My grandpa died in a concentration camp. Poor guy fell out of the guard tower.
  11. How many prison guards does it take to push an inmate down the stairs? None, he fell.
  12. Why are Australian security guards so good at playing chess? They always check, mate
  13. How many Frenchmen does it take to guard Paris? No one knows, it's never been done before
  14. Why do prison guards use Proactive? To prevent breakouts.
  15. I used to work as an insecurity guard. But I don't think I was very good at it.

Security Guard Jokes

Here is a list of funny security guard jokes and even better security guard puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What's the difference between a security guard and a butcher? One stays awake, the other weighs a steak
  • Boss told me as a security guard its my job to watch the office Im on season 6 but I'm not really sure what its got to do with security.
  • As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office I'm on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.
  • What do you call a security guard working outside of a Samsung shop? A guardian of the galaxy
  • I was once in an art gallery once looking at a painting of Margaret Thatcher in a bikini ... a security guard wandered over to me and said sir you can't wear that in here
  • After I stole the priceless statue and turned the corner, I collided into the female security guard's chest... ...It was a huge bust.
  • A German gets to border security... Border guard: "Occupation?"
    The German: "No, just visiting"
  • I tried to sneak into a Star Trek convention disguised as a Doctor. The Security Guard suspected I was not the Real McCoy.
  • Interview for the position of security guard in India Interviewer(in an Indian language) : Do you know English?
    Candidate: Are the thieves from England?
  • My boss told me as a security guard to watch the office I'm on season 6 but don't understand what it has to do with security

Prison Guard Jokes

Here is a list of funny prison guard jokes and even better prison guard puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I was shocked to find out that 35% of America's prison population is white. Surely we don't need that many guards.
  • A male prison guard asks a woman on death row what she would like for her last meal. She replies, "I don't know, what do you want to eat?"
  • How many prison guards does it take to throw an inmate down a flight of stairs? None, he fell.
  • On Death Row Guard: what do you want for your last meal?
    Woman prisoner: I don't know, what do you want?
  • Guard: Get in your cell Prisoner: You can't make me. You don't run this cell.
    Guard: *rips mask off to reveal mitochondria*
    Actually, I do
  • Prisoner The prisoner cried, "I'm sorry I tried to escape!"
    The guard responded, "I'm not mad, just disappointed."
    Remember kids, never let your guard down.
  • What did the prison guard say when Epstein cried for help? "I'll be right there, just hang on for a minute."
  • Turkish Joke A prisoner goes to the warden and asks for a book. The guard makes a phone call then says:
    We don't have the book but we have the author across the hall.
  • What do you call a prison guard who is very particular about his food? Warden Ramsay
  • What do you call an unprovoked prison stabbing? Shanks for nothing.
    ~
    What did the prison guards say when they couldn't find the weapon used?
    Shanks but no shanks.
Guard joke, What do you call an unprovoked prison stabbing?

Coast Guard Jokes

Here is a list of funny coast guard jokes and even better coast guard puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • An English ship is sinking just off the German coast... Mayday, mayday, we are sinking!
    The German coast guard responds: Hello, zhis is ze German coast guard, whaz are you zinking about?
  • Why does the Coast Guard have a 6 foot height requirement? So when their ship sinks they can walk back to shore.
  • President Trump's greatest accomplishment was making us give the Coast Guard the respect that it deserves as a branch of the Armed Forces. He accomplished this by creating the Space Force.
  • The Coast Guard recently changed their minimum height requirements to 6'. That way if the boat sinks everyone can just walk to shore.
  • Why couldn't the Coast Guard save the hippie? Because he was wayyy far out man.
  • Michael Jackson Joke #4543762 Michael Jackson tried killing himself Sunday morning
    by jumping off his boat.
    The coast guard found him last night, bobbing up and down
    on a small buoy.
  • Germans make the worst coast guards Help help I'm sinking!
    What are you sinking about?
  • Mayday, mayday, we are sinking. Zis iz za German coast guard vat are you sinking about?
  • Why is it best not to try to contact the German Coast Guard when your ship is going down? When you tell them you're sinking, they will just ask you what you are sinking about?
  • RIP Kanye West, died after what police think was his attempt to walk on water... Coast Guard attempted rescue, but say he was too dense.

Life Guard Jokes

Here is a list of funny life guard jokes and even better life guard puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why are there so many life guards at synchronised swimming events? Well, if one of them drowns, they all have to.
  • Why can't life guards save hippies? Because they're too far out, man!
  • A son calls his mom from jail Hey mom, bad news, I'm in for life.
    Shut up Frank you're a prison guard.
  • UA new safety briefing Life jacket, seatbelt, mouth guard
  • I got caught peeing in the pool The life guard's yelling scary me so bad I almost fell in!
  • Are you a life guard? Because I'm drowning in your eyes.
  • People who won Darwin Awards... ...jumped into the gene pool when the life guards weren't looking
  • Why couldn't the life guard save the hipster? Because he was too far out

National Guard Jokes

Here is a list of funny national guard jokes and even better national guard puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Border guard asks the passenger: -Nationality?
    - Russian
    -occupation?
    - no, just a visit.
  • WHAT DO WE WANT? Low flying plane noises!
    WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
    Nnnnnnyyyyyyyyooooooooo...
    \*ducks as the National Guard flies a helicopter over our heads\*
  • In 1957, the National Guard was sent in to integrate the Little Rock Nine. The result was, of course, the Little Rock 9x+c
  • The people of Baltimore played GTA yesterday... Tonight they will see the National Guard play Call of Duty.
Guard joke, The people of Baltimore played GTA yesterday...

The Funniest Guard Jokes for a Bone-Shaking Laugh

What funny jokes about guard you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean secure jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make guard pranks.

One shop owner turns and asks another...

So, have you had any reactions yet to your ad that you're looking for a night guard?
He replied.
Yeah, we got robbed tonight.

65,000,011 years ago

Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."

Two Jews die and wait outside the pearly gates.

While waiting they realise that they both survived the same concentration camp.
After some chatting, one says to the other: "remember that time when the guard pushed you onto the electric fence and you almost died?" A second of silence passes and suddenly they both start laughing hysterically.
Upon calming down the other Jew asks his new friend: "remember when that dog chased you for so long that you ended up exhausted and almost died of hunger?" Another second of silence passes and again, they both start laughing like crazy.
God, overhearing the conversation, approaches the old Jewish couple and asks them what's so funny about any of these events.
They both look up and say: "Oh you wouldn't understand, you just had to be there".

3 girls were being exucuted....

...The first girl was getting ready to be shot. The guard yelled,"Ready aim-"The girl yelled," Tornado! Tornado!!" The guard turned around she escaped. The second girl was being exucuted the guard yelled,"Ready aim-" She yelled,"Huirricane!! Hurricane!!" The guard turned around she was gone. The 3rd girl was being exucuted the guard yelled,"Ready aim-" The girl yelled,"Fire!!Fire!"...

Greek/German joke I heard recently

So Angela Merkel decides to try to shore up some Euro solidarity by taking a vacation in Greece. When she gets to the border crossing, the guard looks over her papers and asks her "occupation?" "No," she replies, "just a vacation this time."

The German Lifeguard

A group of friends were on a boat in Munich when the hull was breached.
They quickly called for the German Life Guard yelling "Help we're sinking!"
The Life Guard asked "Ja, vat are you sinking about?"

So Juan, Pablo, and Jose are all attempting to cross the border legally...

A border guard stops when he sees only one of them has the correct papers, and says
'Whoa whoa whoa there can be only Juan!'
I'll see myself out

A prison guard asked three prisoners how they got in jail...

The first prisoner replies, "I was blowing bubbles in the park."
The second replies "I was also blowing bubbles in the park."
When the guard gets to the third prisoner he says "let me guess, you were blowing bubbles in the park."
Then the third prisoner replies "no, im bubbles."

Some guys are talking about pets...

They get to talking about how good big dogs are because they can make good guard dogs.
One of the guys says "I preferred my old chihuahua pebbles better. And no other dog made me feel safer! He died killing a rabid full grown doberman for me!"
The other guys are confused and ask how that was even possible.
"The doberman choked to death."

Translating the German joke Germans only tell Germans.

I don't like to talk about the holocaust either. My grandfather died in a concentration camp.
He got drunk and fell off the guard tower.

Bank robbery

Lem: "I got fired from my job as a bank guard."
Clem: "That's awful. What happened?"
Lem: "Well, a thief came in, and I drew my gun. I told him that if he took one more step, I'd let him have it."
Clem: "What did the thief do then?"
Lem: "He took one more step, so I let him have it. I didn't want that s**... gun anyway."

My dad is German and dropped this one on me the other day.

Dad: I never told you this but, my great grandfather died in the holocaust.
Me: Oh, man thats terrible.
Dad: Yeah, he got really drunk one night and fell off of the guard tower.

My Grandfather's Favorite Joke [word play]

A male prisoner promised a female guard that he would marry her if she helped him escape. This is an example of someone using a proposition to end a sentence with.

A Russian comes to the Ukrainian border

A Russian comes to the Ukrainian border.
The Ukrainian border guard asks, "Name?"
The Russian answers, "Boris."
The border guard asks, "Occupation?"
The Russian says, "No, just visiting."

The dinosaur at the museum

A guy is visiting a museum and he sees a dinosaur's skeleton.
Curious about it, he asks the guard next to it:
- Excuse me, sir. How old is this dinosaur?
- It is 65 million years, 4 months and 13 days old.
Amazed by his answer, he says:
- Wow!, How can you be so precise about it?
- Well, when I first started working here, they told me it was 65 million years old... and that was 4 months and 13 days ago.

A janitor, a security guard, and a CEO are sitting at table with a dozen Twinkies.

The CEO grabs 11 Twinkies for himself, turns to the security guard and says: "Watch out for the janitor, he wants part of your t**...."

I'm getting really sick of all the Holocaust jokes...

My great grandfather died at Auschwitz, so I find these jokes really offensive. Granted, he fell out of a guard tower and broke his neck, but I think that still counts.

A joke I heard some time ago

A texan man is driving over the Mexican border with his family. The border guard looks out his booth and notices the jam-packed pickup truck with trailer.
Raising an eyebrow he asks the man: "Planning a longer stay, sir?"
"We're emigrating." the man replies.
Visibly surprised the guard asks: "Why's that?"
The man responds: "Thirty years ago homosexuality was despised. Twenty years ago it became tolerated. Ten ago it was widely accepted. This year it became equal. We're leaving before it becomes mandatory."

Managed to sell a toaster with Norton Antivirus today

Told the customer it would guard against popups

A farmer once bought some ammonium nitrate fertilizer, but it smelled weird,

so he put a sample in a pan and brought it to the nearest USDA branch. A security guard saw the pan full of fertilizer and yelled "bomb", but it was just panned ammonium

Last request

The inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.
As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."
The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.
The inmate starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall... ."

A German man goes on holiday

to Poland, he gets stopped at the border (because it's an out of date joke), and the border guard checks his papers and decides to ask him a few questions
"Name?"
"Hans Schmidt"
"Age?"
"32"
"Place of birth?"
"Dusseldorf"
"Occupation?"
"No, just visiting"

I can't believe this happened

I was on the toilet, and shortly after I sat down I heard from the stall next door, "Hi, how are you?". Embarrassed but not wanting to be rude I said "doing fine?" Then I hear them ask "So what are you up to?". ?!?! "Um..." I said "Same as you I'd guess. Just sitting here." Then I'm completely caught off guard when asked "Can I come over?" "I'm kind of busy at the moment" Annoyed I responded. Then I hear "Listen, I'll call you back later, the idiot in the next stall is answering all of my questions."

I was with my wife in Russia when it starts to drizzle

So I say to my wife "It's raining" she quickly responds (looking to start a fight) "Actually, I think it's snowing".
This goes back and forth for a few minutes when I notice my buddy Officer Rudolf of the communist national guard. I go over to him and ask, "Officer Rudolf, is it raining or snowing?"
He glances over and replies, "raining, ofcourse".
I turn back to my wife and triumphantly announce, "See, Rudolf the red knows rain dear!"

A Life Guard is walking along a beach

A Life Guard is walking along a beach when she sees a man splashing around feverishly in the ocean. "Help, shark! Help!" he cries.
The Life guard laughs, because she knows the shark will never help that man.

Dogs are the best. I have a lab.

It's a m**... lab. But I guard it with pit bulls.

A german man goes to Poland. Crossing the border, the guard asks reviews his documents.

Pole: Name?
German: Hans Guttermark
Pole: Age?
German: Neunundzwanzig.
Pole: Occupation?
German: *smiles* Nein, just visiting!

A German man was crossing the border into France...

The French border guard asked to see his papers, as he skimmed through them he ran off a stream of questions.
"Name?"
The German smiled, "Hans Lehrer"
"Age?"
The German replied, "37"
"Occupation?"
The German shook his head,
"No, not this time."

Why was the gay security guard fired from the s**... bank?

He was caught drinking on the job.

A King asks two guards to protect his beautiful daughter's virginity...

Unbeknownst to the guards, the king put a trap in his daughter's nether regions.
The next day, the king summons the guards and one showed up with mangled g**.... The King had him executed for making attempts on his daughter.
The other guard, with his manhood intact was offered a promotion for upholding abstinence, to which he replied "hnnnggg"

A poor farmer came to the Parliament house

A poor farmer came to the Parliament house in New Delhi to meet with an officer. He kept his bicycle near the high walls of the building and proceeded to the entrance.
The security guard came running towards him and hurriedly asked him to remove the bicycle.
This is a very prestigious place. High profile men, ministers and judges come here
The farmer innocently replied, I know that. I have locked my cycle, nobody can take it

Swimming pool

I was at a pool once, and the life guard yelled over to me, HEY KID! QUIT PEEING IN THE POOL!
I replied Oh come on man. Everyone pees in the pool!
Yes, but not from the high dive!

Child: Dad I want to be a plumber when I grow up

Dad: That's a very low goal. Have some ambition

Child: How about being a doctor?
Dad: That's right!
Child: Or a teacher, a prison guard, a gym trainer....

Dad: HAVE YOU BEEN USING MY COMPUTER?

Too guys trying to escape a prison

Last fence they have to jump has bells on it. First guy jumps, touches the wires and the bells ring.
They guard says:- Who goes there?
The guy makes a noise:-Meow!
Guard says: -oh, its just a cat.
Second guy jumps, hits the wires, bells ring.
Guard says: -Who goes there?
Second guy:-Just another cat.

My friend was a violent serial killer...

Ended up getting caught some time back and sentenced to death by electric chair.
Fast-forward to day of execution.
Guard straps him in.
Guard: "Any last requests?"
Friend: "Remind me of buzzfeed clickbait articles 1 last time"
Guard: "The electric current is going to be started now, what happens next will shock you"

A cargo ship sank in the ocean. The cargo, Idaho potatoes and rubber p**..., floated in the vicinity.

The Coast Guard had received a distress call, but a chopper arrived to find no ship in the water. Seeing the cargo strewn about on the water, they decided to send a diver down to look for the ship.
"I already know what kind of ship to look for," the diver told the chopper pilot.
"How could you possibly know what kind of ship it was?" replied the pilot.
"It was a dictatorship."

Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin were having a meeting in a 20-story building.

During a break the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards.
First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said, "Ivan, jump down."
Ivan replied in tears, "Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son."
Putin explained that he was only joking, and let Ivan out.
Then Kim Jong-Un called his guard Lee, and told him to jump. Lee started running toward the window.
Putin grabbed him and said, "Are you crazy? You will die if you jump!"
Struggling, Lee replied, "Let me go! I have a wife and a son!"

German Coast Guard

An English ship was approaching the coast when suddenly they started taking on a lot of water. The captain decided to contact the coast guard for help.

**Captain**: Mayday Mayday, This is the English Pearl, we are sinking.

**German Coast Guard**: Sorry, may you please repeat?

**Captain**: This is the English Pearl and we are sinking.

After a few moments of silence...

**German Coast Guard**: What are you sinking about?

A Young Russian is sent to a Siberian Work Camp

A Guard looks at him and asks "How long is your sentence?"
The young man says, "Ten years"
The guard whistles and replies, "What did you do?"
"Nothing" says the young man.
The guard laughs and says "That's a lie. For doing nothing you only get 8 years"

Batman walks into a superhero-only pool, he is quickly stopped by a guard, the guard points to a sign that says

"No swimming without supervision."

Without a mask on, I shopped at a store that had a strict mask policy.

Before leaving, I asked the security guard why he let me shop without a cover and he said that Halloween masks are acceptable too. :\_(

The coast guard fined my girlfriend and I for having s**... in the ocean.

Apparently off-shore drilling is prohibited.

A guy says: "My great grandfather died in the concentration camps"

Then he laughs: "He fell from the guard tower"
"Stop telling jokes about this" His friend replies - "My great grandma also died in concentration camps"
"Oh I'm sorry"
"Yeah, some idiot d**... dude fell on top of her from the guard tower"

An angry robber at a Russian bank threatens to kill everyone. Goes up to a teller "I'm gonna kill you! I'm so angry. What's your name?"

"Olga," replies the terrified teller.
"Oh, I'm not gonna kill you, my mother's name was Olga"
Turns to a 6'4'' security guard
"I'm gonna kill you then. What's your name?"
Guard: "My name is Boris, but my friends call me Olga"

A guy rides his motorcycle through the border from Spain to France every week carrying two bags of sand.

The border guard searched the bags every time, but never found anything, so he had to let him through. The guard has his last day at work before retiring and the guy comes to the border again, carrying his two bags of sand. The guard says "look, man, it's my last day, I'm not going to bust you. You're clearly smuggling *something* across the border all this time but we never find anything, what is it.". The guy says "I'm smuggling motorcycles"

Soviet Curfew

A man in Moscow is walking home after his day at work and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and tells him to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him.
What did you do that for? he asks.
Curfew violation, the other guard says.
Curfew violation? Curfew isn't for another half hour!
I know. That's my friend. I know where he lives. He never would have made it.

Jewish man gets stopped at a checkpoint in Ireland by two Irishmen with rifles.

Jewish man gets stopped at a checkpoint in Ireland by two Irishmen with rifles.
"Eh, what are ya, protestant or catholic?"
Man: "I'm jewish!"
Guard: (pauses, confers with fellow guard)
"Jewish catholic or jewish protestant?"

Q:Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To visit his friend the d**....
M: Knock knock
Y: Who's there
M: Your friend the chicken!
[My 7yo told me this one and caught me off guard...]

Don't joke about the war...

I told my friend that my grandfather died in the war.
He said "I am sorry to hear. How did he die?"
I said "One night there was a drunken party, and he fell off a guard tower!"
An old man sitting behind us interrupted. "You shouldn't joke about these things. It's offensive. My father actually died in the war."
I felt really bad, and apologized. "You're right it was insensitive of me. I'm sorry about your father, how did he die?"
He replied "One night there was a drunken party, and he was walking past a guard tower..."

My wife recently became a crossing guard at our sons school.

She hates when I ask how the child trafficking is going.

Security Guard : "I'm sorry ma'am.But due to covid regulations, swimming in the hotel pool is prohibited"

Woman : " You could have warned me before I removed the clothes"
Security guard :" Well, there is no prohibition about that".

A man goes to the white house and asks to talk to president Trump.

A guard tells him that Trump is no longer president. The man then leaves.
The man comes back the next day and again asks to speak to president Trump. The guard says "like I already told you he is no longer president".
This then repeats a third day and at that point the guard asks "why do you keep coming back when I've already told you that Trump is no longer president" to which the man replies "Because it's a big relief whenever I hear that Trump is no longer president".

A man breaks into a wealthy persons house

He hears a sobbing noise coming from around the corner so he goes to check what it is. He peeks around the corner to see a body guard sobbing saying "I C c can't believe boss forgot my birthday, I thought he was m my f f friend uhoo hoo" so he turns around and goes the opposite direction desperate to escape with something. He spots a door at the end of the hallway that appears to have been left unlocked he opens to find the houses owner. He says "YOU!! How did you get past my security" the robber says "you let your guard down"

So this guard was escorting me out of the pool the other day…

I asked him why.
Because you p**... in the pool!
He shouted.
So what? everyone does!
I exclaimed.
To which he replied:
Well… yeah… but not from the diving board!

A WWII joke for you guys...

Olaf Scholz, the German chancellor, visits France and is not recognized by the customs guard at the French border.
'Name?', the guard barks out.
'Olaf Scholz', he says.
'Occupation?'
'Oh no,' he says, 'just for a few days.'

Guard joke, A WWII joke for you guys...

jokes about guard