guards Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious guards stories

What are the best Guards puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Guards? Well here is a complete list of Guards dad jokes:

Why do prison guards use Proactive?

To prevent further breakouts.

👍🏼

Prison wives

There's a man who goes to prison. When he gets there the guards strip search him, de-louse him, and hand him a bright orange jumpsuit. Then he's escorted to his cell which already has one other occupant who happens to be quite a large strapping individual. The cell bars slam shut behind the new inmate and his new cell mate stands up and asks "you wanna be the husband or the wife"? The new inmate stammers and replies "well since I have a choice I'd rather be the husband" his cell mate retorts "that's fine by me, now get over here and suck your wife's dick".

👍🏼

Two armed guards were standing at a street corner...

They see a man walking casually on the other side of the street. The first guard raises his rifle and shoots the pedestrian, killing him instantly.

The second guard says to the first, "What was that for?"

"He was out past curfew." Replied the first guard.

"What do you mean?" Said the second guard, "It's not curfew for another hour."

"Yeah, but I knew the guy," Said the first guard, "He could never have made it home in time."

👍🏼

How many guards does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two; one to disable the cameras, and one to strangle Epstein.

👍🏼

What do you call the security guards outside Samsung shops?

Guardians of the Galaxy

👍🏼

Three Prisoners and the Firing Squad

Three prisoners are outside of a prison, about to be executed before the firing squad.

As the guards are readying their rifles, one of the prisoners screams and points. "Look! A convict is trying to escape!" When the guards turn their heads to look, the prisoner runs away.

Some time later, the second prisoner yells and points. "Look! A plane crash!" Once again, the guards turn their heads... and the second prisoner quickly escapes.

The third prisoner thinks, "Well, damn... if they can get out of here, then so can I!"

So he shouts "FIRE!"

👍🏼

A skinny white guy meets his cell-mate for the first time...

Who happens to be a seven and a half foot monster of a black man.
As soon as the guards lock the cell and leave the black man stands up and unzips his trousers. There's a dull thud as his massive cock hits the floor.

He swings it one way, smashing the sink off the wall. He swings it the other, denting the frame of the two-storey bed. The white man cowers.

'Hey, White boy! Suck my dick!' The black man says.

'Thank fuck for that,' he replies, 'I thought you were gonna hit me with it.'

👍🏼

A teenager was stabbed to death in a shopping mall over a stolen pair of trainers.

Those security guards don't fuck about.

👍🏼

My grandpa was one of the Holocaust survivors...

But then again, most guards survived.

👍🏼

Two guards are standing in front of a gate,

Guard 1: what year is it?

Guard 2: 75 B.C.

Guard 1: what does B.C mean?

Guard 2: Before Christ.

Guard 1: what is Christ?

Guard 2: i have no idea.

👍🏼

A Roman Emperor orders his guards to arrest his wife.

He orders them to Ceas'er.

👍🏼

Prisoners actually have a lot in common with Presidents...

They're both fed and housed by tax payers, surrounded by armed guards 24/7, neither can leave the gates without attracting attention, and both are often hated by the general public. It seems to me that the only difference between them is that we often catch the criminal that's responsible, but we keep putting the wrong guy in office.

👍🏼

So there's a brunette a redhead and a blonde who are trying to escape from a prison. The guards are onto to them, so they all hide in sacks....

The guards see the sacks moving and sends over a soldier to poke each one of them with his gun.The guard pokes the first one and the brunette says "woof" and the guard goes "Oh it's just a dog" he pokes the second one and the redhead goes "meow" and the guard says "it's just a cat". He then pokes the third and the blonde goes "potatoes".

👍🏼

So there's a brunette a redhead and a blonde who are trying to escape from a prison. The guards are onto to them, so they all hide in sacks....

The guards see the sacks moving and sends over a soldier to poke each one of them with his gun.The guard pokes the first one and the brunette says "woof" and the guard goes "Oh it's just a dog" he pokes the second one and the redhead goes "meow" and the guard says "it's just a cat". He then pokes the third and the blonde goes "potatoes".

👍🏼

So there's a brunette a redhead and a blonde who are trying to escape from a prison. The guards are onto to them, so they all hide in sacks....

The guards see the sacks moving and sends over a soldier to poke each one of them with his gun.The guard pokes the first one and the brunette says "woof" and the guard goes "Oh it's just a dog" he pokes the second one and the redhead goes "meow" and the guard says "it's just a cat". He then pokes the third and the blonde goes "potatoes".

👍🏼

How many recruits does it take to change a lightbulb?

Five.

One to change the lightbulb and four road guards.

👍🏼

My therapist doesn't like me being a good boss to my security

She says I should let my guards down more

👍🏼

Topical Jokes for 6/17

(For best results, imagine these in the voice of your favorite talk show host)

In Michigan, a man was arrested after he tried to toss a football filled with drugs into a prison. Prison guards knew something was wrong when they heard 700 inmates shouting, I'M OPEN! I'M OPEN!

The United States announced they've arrested the mastermind of the 2012 attack in Benghazi. When Republicans heard the news, they said, Oh great! They caught Hillary Clinton! .

Coca Cola is testing a new, low-calorie version of Coke in a green can called Coca Cola Life. The original formula of Coke in the red can will be rebranded as Coca Cola Death.

👍🏼

The Three Thieves (TTT)

One day three hungry men went into the king's fruit garden without permission and stole some fruits to eat. The guards caught them and brought them in front of the king. The king ordered that the thieves should be punished by shoving the respective fruits they stole up their asses. So the guards took the first one, who stole plums from the garden and sticked a plum up his ass. The poor guy started screaming in agony. After they were done with the first one they brought in the second thief. He stole apples so they shoved an apple up his ass, but the man did not make a sound at first and then instead of screaming he started laughing hysterically. The guards were baffled and asked him:
-How come you are not feeling any pain, when we shoved a big apple up your ass? The first thief was screaming and shouting from a mere plum.
The second thief hardly containing his laughter answered:
-Well, I was just thinking about the poor third man, who stole watermelons.....

👍🏼

3 convicts escape from prison...

They hear the guards and dogs chasing them so they decide to run up a stand of trees. the guards come to the first tree with the dogs and say "hey! anyone up there?" The convict thinks for a second then goes "meow" the guards thinking its just a cat and continue along with the dogs.

they come up to the second tree and again ask "anyone up there?" to which the convict replies with "cock-a-doodle-do" and the guards think its just a chicken and continue on.

The guards come up to the third three with the dogs just baying like mad and think they must be nuts but still say "anyone up there?" To which the convict replies "mooo!"

👍🏼

3 Topical Jokes for 7/29

(For optimal results, imagine these being read by your favorite late night talk show host)

In Arizona, a prison inmate escaped after climbing up a basketball hoop, then jumping over the fence. Prison guards were baffled that the man jumped over the fence from the basketball hoop, and not the elevated rope swing, or giant trampoline.

In Rhode Island, a 100-year-old woman received an honorary high school diploma. The 100-year-old woman said she'd always wanted to go back and finish high school — but she couldn't remember where it was.

A tweet for the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was criticized because it portrayed the turtles jumping from an exploding building with a release date of 9/11. The tweet was immediately taken down, and replaced by a photo of the turtles taking a pizza out of an oven — at Auschwitz.

👍🏼

Two border guards

Two border guards are doing their final patrol of the night along the US-Canadian border. Half an hour before their shift is up, they hear some rustling along the path. They rush forward to check it out only to find a man who has committed suicide by hanging himself.


"Crap, the paperwork on this will take hours, my wife will be furious!"


"I know Jack. Say ... I have an idea ..."


And so, the border guards take the man down, carry him a hundred yards and leave him hanging, just across the Canadian border. As their shift is up, they go home. Shortly thereafter, two Canadian border guards, also on their last patrol come across the body, one turns to the other and sais:


"Merde Guy, the Americans brought him back!"

👍🏼

A Blonde, A Brunette and an Asian are stuck on an Island...

So a blonde, a brunette, and an asian are stuck on an island after their boat crashed. (Oh noe!) Anyway the brunette thinking they'll be stuck for a while, decided to quickly set up camp and make things comfortable until the coast guards arrive.

.

The brunette said, "Alright, I'm gonna stay here and build a shelter for us, Blondie go look for some food, and Asiana can you get us supplies from the wreckage? We'll meet back here at around noon."

.

So the blonde and the asian venture off and the brunette starts to gather strong branches for shelter.

.

High noon rolls around and everyone gathers but where's the asian?

Worried, the brunette and the blonde decided to look for her at the crash site which is where brunette asked asian to start.

.

When the brunette and the blonde reached the crash site, the asian pops out from the nearby bush and yells:

.



"SURPRISE!!"




-------------

I haven't seen this posted yet so I thought I share. :)

👍🏼

[Irish] On the run

After a high speed chase the guards finally managed to stop Paddy. Well Paddy said the guard, give me one good reason why i shouldn't throw the book at you? My wife ran off with a guard last week says Paddy and i thought you were trying to bring her back.

👍🏼

Rey and Finn are trying to retrieve Luke Skywalker's light saber from an enemy spaceship

They sneak their way in to the armoury and discover over a hundred lightsabers piled up.

They don't have much time as the guards could catch them any minute, and they have no idea which saber is the one they're looking for.

Quickly, Rey grabbed one saber, tossed it away, another one, then another, and until after a dozen sabers she holds onto one like she's sure she's found the one and proceed to run towards the exit.

Once they escape, Finn asks her how she was so sure earlier about that lightsaber being the one.

"It's the only one that was... Lukewarm", she replies.

👍🏼

An Irish, a British, and American soldiers...

...had just helped each other escape from an Axis prisoner camp in WW2 Germany. As they run through the Bavarian forest, they hear alarms sounding, and soon afterwards, they hear dogs barking and guards yelling to each other.

The barking and yelling gets louder and louder, and the escapees realize that they'll be caught if they keep on running, and decide to take cover by climbing up separate trees.

The dogs start circling the tree, and jumping up and down around the trunk on the very tree the American has climbed. The guards shout "Come down or we'll shoot!" Thinking quickly, he quickly calls down "who! who!" The German guards say to each other "Das ist eine owl", and call the dogs off.

The dogs follow the trail to the second tree, and the guards call up "Come down or we'll shoot!" The Brit calls down "CAW! CAW!!!" The guards say "Ahh. Das ist eine crow".

The guards follow the dogs to the third tree where the Irishman had climbed. Again they called up "Come down or we'll shoot!" The Irishman thought for a moment and then called down "Moo! Moo!"

***NOT MINE: ** Shamelessly stolen from an Irish joke book I had as a kid. Yes, I am Irish.*

👍🏼

A man in prison

A man, who is sentenced to life imprisonment, decides to dig a tunnel to escape. He works for many months on this tunnel, and finally finishes it. He decides to break out during the day, figuring the guards will not suspect this. As he breaks through the ground to the surface, he finds himself in a preschool playground.
He is surprised, but he rejoices anyway, shouting, "I'm free, I'm free!"
At this a little girl approaches him, puts her hand on her hip, and says, "big deal! I'm four!"

👍🏼

Random

What do you call the security guards outside Samsung shops?

👍🏼

An innocent man is given a life sentence. (NSFWish)

The guards take him to his cell, where he finds out that his bunkmate is about twice his size, with a mean mug and a menacing demeanor. As the innocent man is settling in, the inmate says, "Alright, since I'm feeling generous today, I'm gonna give you the option. You wanna be the wife or the husband in this relationship?" The innocent man, somewhat relieved, says, "Well sir, if it's all the same to you, I would much prefer to be the husband." The inmate replies, "Fine by me. Now get over here and suck your wife's dick"


Sorry for the grammar and such... I tried.

👍🏼

A plane is spotted trying to land at Area 51

One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base. The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards. The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Vegas, gotten lost, and nearly run out of fuel, so he put his plane down at the first runway he saw. After extensive background checks, it is proven that the pilot isn't a spy and he is set to be released the following morning.

Before he is allowed to leave, he is given the "You didn't see anything" talk, and is told that under absolutely no circumstances is he allowed to tell anyone where he was, or what he saw. The Air Force fuels up the man's plane, gives him a proper heading to get back to Las Vegas, and sends him on his way.

Later that day, the man's plane is again spotted getting ready to land at Area 51. This time there are two people in the plane. When the plane touches down, it is immediately surrounded by guards again. As soon as it comes to a stop, the man hops out and yells: "Do whatever you want to me, but SOMEBODY has to tell my wife where I was last night."

👍🏼

Three men where on a trip to Saudi Arabia...

... When they came across a Saudi Arabian rent with over 100 beautiful women inside. The three men began to become friendly with the women when suddenly, the Sheik walked in.

"What are you doing here? I am the master of these women, no one can touch them except for me! You must to pay for what you have done!"

The guards gathered the three men and lined them up in front of the Sheik.

"You will be punished in correspondence with your profession."

He looks at the first man.

"What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a Police Officer."

"Then we will shoot your penis off!"

The Sheik handed one of his women a gun and she shoots off his penis.

"What do you do for a living?"

"I-I I'm a f-fireman."

"Then we will burn your penis off!"

The Sheik gives one of his women a flame thrower and she burns his penis off.

"And finally, what do you do for a living?"

The third man thought for a moment before answering with:

"I'm a lollipop salesman."

👍🏼

Three men were on a trip to Saudi Arabia...

...When they came across a Saudi Arabian rent with over 100 beautiful women inside. The three men began to become friendly with the women when suddenly, the Sheik walked in.

"What are you doing here? I am the master of these women, no one can touch them except for me! You must to pay for what you have done!"

The guards gathered the three men and lined them up in front of the Sheik.

"You will be punished in correspondence with your profession."

He looks at the first man.

"What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a Police Officer."

"Then we will shoot your penis off!"

The Sheik handed one of his women a gun and she shoots off his penis.

"What do you do for a living?"

"I-I I'm a f-fireman."

"Then we will burn your penis off!"

The Sheik gives one of his women a flame thrower and she burns his penis off.

"And finally, what do you do for a living?"

The third man thought for a moment before answering with:

"I'm a lollipop salesman."

👍🏼

In heaven the French are the cooks, the Italians are the lovers, the Swiss are the timekeepers, and the British are the guards

In hell, the Swiss are the lovers, the British are the cooks, the French are the guards, and the Italians are the timekeepers.

👍🏼

There are two guards stationed on the border of a concentration camp...

One is walking upright, with a fast pace, as one would expect. The other is slow, and slouched. As they pass, the first guard calls out to the other

"My friend, you must stand up straighter! What is wrong?"

The slouched guard replies "Sorry... I'm just a bit Ausch-of-witz"

👍🏼

Three men in prison are about to be executed.

There are three men standing in a prison yard, about to be executed for their crimes. They are offered a choice in execution style; beheading via guillotine, death by firing squad or an injection of HIV.

The first man chooses beheading. He's led to the guillotine by the guards, positioned, and executed. Blood sprays everywhere and his head goes rolling across the yard.

Horrified by what he's just seen, the second man chooses to be shot. The guards lead him to a wall, six other guards point their weapons at him, and they open fire. The man dies fairly slowly, choking on his own blood.

The third man is totally calm. He says, somewhat smugly, that he'd like to be given the HIV injection.

The guards summon the doctor, who gives the third man his injection. Back in his own cell later, the third man begins laughing quietly to himself. Confused, his bunkmate asks what's so funny.

"Those idiots," the man replies. "I was wearing a condom the whole time!"

👍🏼

As Jesus is on the Cross...

As Jesus is on the cross on top of the hill known as Golgatha, he cries out "Peter! Peter! My servant come to me!" Upon hearing this, Peter dashes towards to cross but is stopped by the Roman guards.

A few minutes later Jesus cries out once again "Peter! Peter! My servant come to me!" Once again, Peter dashes towards to cross but is stopped by the Roman guards.

Yet a few more minutes go by and Jesus again cries out "Peter! Peter! My servant come to me!" Again, Peter dashes towards the cross but this time he makes it past the Roman guards. When he finally reaches the cross, Jesus says "Peter, I can see your house from here!"

👍🏼

Did you hear about the furry who got detained at the border?

The guards thought he was a drug mule.

👍🏼

What do Swiss border guards say when they see a Canton Ticino plate?

Trotzdem italienisch...

(Sorry if this joke is way too obscure to get)

👍🏼

Obama's new job creation initiative...

...firefighters and criminal lawyers and judges and prison guards and prison builders and insurance adjusters and parole officers and funeral directors and social psychologists needed everywhere across this great land of ours.

👍🏼

So Jesus was in the midst of crucifixion...

and Peter was emotionally devastated over the events that had transpired. He felt completely helpless, but he faintly hears Jesus calling his name, "Peter....Peter.." He tries to respond but the centurion guards had built up quite a barricade. Again he hears the calls, "Peter... Peter..." So Peter tries to usher his way through to hear the last words of his master, only to pushed to the ground by the mob.

Jesus calls him one last time, "Peter... Peter.." So Peter musters all of his strength, bust through the guards, clambers up the hill to his master, bloodied and battered, "Master, I have reached you" Jesus looks down at him from the cross and says "Peter, I can see your house from here house from here."

👍🏼

Why we need armed guards at McDonalds

Dirty Ernie was about 8 years old and had just gotten a cowboy outfit for his birthday. His mom took him to McDonalds and he wore the suit. He was ordering his happy meal, and the cashier thought he was cute. She asked, "Do you want a dessert, sweetie?"

Ernie pulled out his six-shooter, twirled it on his finger, reholstered and said, "Yes"

"Do you want a sundae?"

Same thing, pulls out the gun, twirls it, reholsters, and says, "Yep."

"Do you want chocolate, strawberry, or butterscotch?"

Gun out, twirl, reholster, "Chocolate."

"Do you want nuts?"

Gun, twirl, holster, "Yep."

"Do you want your nuts crushed?"

Gun, no twirl, "Do you want your fucking tits blown off?"

👍🏼

Highland Guard

The Captain of the Highland Guards walks into an apothecary, throws onto the counter a well worn condom full of holes, and says, "Houu much to ha it rrrrepaired?"
The druggist replies, "Four pence."
The Captain says, "Houu much to ha it rrrreplaced?"
The druggist replies, "A shilling."
The Captain says, "I'll be rrright bach," and walks out of the shop.
The Captain returns, and says, "I ha spoken wit tha men! They ha voted to ha it rrrepiared."

👍🏼

What has a hundred teeth and guards an insatiable monster?

My zipper.

👍🏼

I took an arrow to the knee.....

Sorry I may have mis-remembered that information. It was actually the guards who took that arrow. But we still spent many harrowing days in within whiterun hiding from that archer. At the time I was not sure, I just assumed I had been hit.

👍🏼

Three men get lost in the desert...

And they find a"city" sort of thing, upon entry they yell ANY ONE GOT WATER... and the guards took them to the king and he explained that telling was forbidden and punishable by beating. Because he knew the men didn't know of this law he decided that they may pick one item to be placed on there back to cover the lashings. Man one said Joe about a pillow. Which worked for only 25 lashings so he received 75. Man two said Hmm one pillow lasted 25, 3 X 25 = 100 and you can see his flaw. He revived 25 lashings. Man three started laughing, the king asked why and he said, I have a great idea... The king asks what? So with a straight face he said, Man one.

👍🏼

What is the fakest part of Skyrim?

The fact that red guards can swim.

👍🏼

so seaworld is doing so bad now they had to fire their security guards and move their dolphins into bathtubs to save money

i hate when people use stuff for unattended porpoises

👍🏼

CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best guards jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 47 puns about guards. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty guards gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these guards jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

Can I save Guards jokes? You can do this from the Joko Jokes iPhone app. It is available for free download from the Apple App Store. Thumbs up your favorite jokes so we can rank them by how many likes every joke has. Every thumb matters for Joko Jokes' rankings.

How to share a Guards joke? You are free to share every Guards joke found on JokoJokes.com, share it on Facebook, Twitter or by email and have fun with friends and family.

JokoJokes