Guaranteed Jokes
65 guaranteed jokes and hilarious guaranteed puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about guaranteed that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Guaranteed Short Jokes
Short guaranteed jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The guaranteed humour may include short assured jokes also.
- Don't buy Colgate whitening toothpaste! It says guaranteed whiteness in 14 days.
It's been 2 weeks and I'm still Asian. - Why do hurricanes get lousy names, like Sandy? Name that thing hurricane Death Megatron 900 and I guarantee folks will be evacuating like they need to.
- I've decided to learn jokes in sign language Then I can guarantee no one's heard them before.
- I'll Never Buy Colgate Toothpaste Ever Again... It says "guaranteed whiteness" after 2 weeks... It has been 4 weeks and I am still Asian.
- Why are diet pills so effective in the UK? If you buy enough, you are guaranteed to lose 30 pounds fast.
- I've got some new jokes which I can only do in sign language... I guarantee you, no one has ever heard them before.
- My new toothpaste is false advertising It said, "Guaranteed whiteness in 14 days."
Well, it's been 15 days and I'm still Asian. - Have you heard? Melinda Gates, Mackenzie Scott, and Justine Musk are starting their own rocket company! They are calling it Space-Ex's and their rockets are guaranteed to go pren-up up up.
- Don't buy whitening toothpaste It says guaranteed whiteness in 14 days.
15 days have come and gone...
and I am still asian. - I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. "Something that buzzes and is guaranteed to drive me crazy" she replied.
So I bought her a pet mosquito.
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Guaranteed One Liners
Which guaranteed one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with guaranteed? I can suggest the ones about certified and ensure.
- I know several jokes in sign language I guarantee nobody has ever heard them.
- I'm such a bad golfer, they should send me to Mars. I'm guaranteed to find water.
- I guarantee you Adam & Eve were white. You ever try and take a rib from a black man?
- I know several jokes in sign language. I guarantee no one has heard them before.
- What document is guaranteed to only contain the truth? Fax
- I know a lot of jokes in sign language I guarantee no one has heard it before
- Gyms must remain open... ...the constitution guarantees freedom of the press
- I know some jokes in sign language I guarantee you no one has ever heard them
- What's the best way to guarantee you won't go to jail. Become a politician.
- I think my shampoo is making me fat... ...it says guaranteed to increase the Volume
- China has freedom of speech But freedom after speech is not guaranteed
- You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store. They have a mummy-back guarantee!
- Ever heard of a cajew? It's like a canoe, but guaranteed to never tip.
- What spice is guaranteed to make your girlfriend walk out on you? Bay Leaves
- Which space on a Battleship grid guarantees victory? I1
Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Guaranteed Jokes
What funny jokes about guaranteed you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean reliable jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make guaranteed pranks.
The Vicar's Salary
At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to
a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation.
No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Glasgow, stands up and
proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every
year, and his wife with a Volkswagen mini-van to transport their
children!'
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if
the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary
and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school
education for all of his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Vicar stays, I will give him free s**....'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you
to say that?'
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking
his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck him'.
Who's the best person to invite over for Christmas?
Charlie Sheen. Because you know it's GUARANTEED to be a white Christmas when he's around.
So I tried Colgate for the first time.. was not impressed-
The tube said 'Guaranteed whiteness in 3 brushes". 3 brushes later, I'm still Asian.
(Speaking of still Asians, my grandma's a quadriplegic. She's a pretty still Asian)
After joining the submarine forces of the Navy, I was guaranteed that I would be stationed on a nuclear-powered submarine by an Admiral.
Unfortunately, when I received my order I found out that my post would be a navigator on a Diesel-powered sub with no nuclear capability.
When I approached my command to complain, I was told that this happened all the time and would soon sort itself out - a moderator would soon move my post to the correct sub.
People who live in Flint should drink gasoline.
It's cheaper than the water and guaranteed unleaded
Why are so many computer scientists atheists?
Because praying for a bug fix is guaranteed to fail.
Women are always complaining that I make too many d**...' jokes but I don't understand why.
I mean, that's the only part of me guaranteed to make them laugh.
My toothpaste says it guarantees whiteness within two weeks..
Yet after two weeks I'm still asian
Condoms don't guarantee safe s**... anymore....
My friend was wearing one and got shot by the woman's husband.
How to make friends
Next time you are washing your hands next to somebody cup your hands under the tap until the water overflows then look at them dramatically and say "this water is getting out of hand" it is a guaranteed way to make friends. I have never tried it but it is guaranteed
What c**... thing is guaranteed to occur in the middle of a Saturday?
A 'turd'
A New study I read suggests that 1 in every 10 people are gay.
This is really creeping me out because I've gotten j**... off by 10 guys and it's almost guaranteed that one of them was gay.
I don't get why more people don't become s**... b**...
I mean, you have guaranteed job security for the rest of your life!
What's the one food guaranteed to kill a woman's s**... drive?
Condoms do not guarantee safe s**...
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was stabbed by the woman's husband
People don't realize that vandalizing Trumps Hollywood Star is a bad thing
It guarantees him the newest and shiniest star on the walk. Art of the the Deal
Overhead in a country ruled by a dictator
Citizen: What happened to freedom of speech in this country?
Dictator: Freedom of speech has always been guaranteed in this country. It is freedom after speech which we can't guarantee
I can't believe Comic Con 2020 got cancelled because of covid 19!
It was the one group of people who were 100% guaranteed to wear masks.
Well, if you inject yourself with bleach and disinfectant...
I guarantee you won't die of Covid-19
Condoms don't guarantee safe s**... any more.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
A guy goes to the doctor because he's been having trouble with his s**... life.
The doctor gives him an examination and says: Look, you're just out of shape. Run ten miles every day and I guarantee you'll start to feel better.
A week later the guy calls his doctor back and says Gee thanks for the advice doc, I've been running ten miles a day and I feel great!
Well that's just great! How's your s**... life?
How the h**... would I know, I'm 70 miles away!
Joe is hiring a hitman from a well respected mafioso to kill his business partner.
The man asks, "How do I know you won't just let him pay you twice as much, and then kill me?"
The mob boss leans back and says, "Well Joe, you can always get the insurance policy."
"Insurance policy?"
"Yeah. For five times the fee I absolutely guarantee that the other guy can no longer afford to."
Dont see why people say that babysitting a toddler is hard. You just grease the bathtub, put them inside with some food and drink, and go do your business. I guarantee you that they will still be there when you return.
If you stay in the house, you might need to use sound cancelling headphones too though.
How Old
His wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics absolutely guaranteed to make her looks years longer. She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours applying the "miracle" products.
Finally, when she was done, she turned to her husband and said, "Honey, honestly now, what age would you say I am?" He nodded his head in assessment, and carefully said, "Well, judging from your skin, 20. Your hair, 18. Your figure, 25." "Oh, you're so sweet!" the wife said.
"Well, hang on," said the husband, "I'm not done adding it up yet."
There is an old Scottish proverb that says....
If you're smart enough to fall asleep in a field of cows, you're guaranteed to get a pat on the back.
Selling brains for charity
Obama and Trump are asked to sell their brains for charity.
Obama offers his brains for $100,000.
"Why so much?", someone asks.
"Well", Obama says, "I studied Law at Harvard. My brains are extremely well developed".
Trump offers his brains for $10,000,000.
"That's a lot!", someone exclaims.
"Let me tell you something", says Trump, "My brains are fantastic. They are great. They are the best brains, it's true. I have a great relationship with my brains. They are good brains, and very pretty too! I guarantee you, they are impeccable, brand new, never used."
My advice: You should never date a cross-eyed girl.
I guarantee she'll be seeing someone else.
How to post the world's best joke here…
Post an average joke, then inevitably a better joke will be added to the comments, steal that joke and post it, take that joke's best comment joke and post it, repeat ad infinitum. Voila the world's best joke guaranteed eventually.
