The Best 37 Guarantee Jokes

Following is our collection of funniest Guarantee jokes. There are some guarantee digits jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these guarantee confident puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny Guarantee Jokes and Puns

I've got one I guarantee you guys have never heard. Its been called the most suspenseful joke ever told.


Not sure if this was already out there, but I just thought of it on my

Q: What dairy product makes the best kind of friend?
A: well, I hear cheese always has a 'grate' time

(I guarantee someone's thought of it before me)
And if that doesn't tickle your funny bone, try this one (fairly similar):

Q: how do you find the IQ level of dairy products?
A: a cheese grater

(Also probably not original)

Why did the phone smash through a window?

Because it wanted to see up your nostrils.

As told by a 6 year old boy. I don't think he really understands, but at least I can guarantee it is original!

Guarantee joke, Why did the phone smash through a window?

Obama's immigration policy

Obama's immigration policy is going to guarantee the USA a victory at the 2026 World Cup.

I guarantee you Adam & Eve were white.

You ever try and take a rib from a black man?

I don't know why they don't let priests marry and have kids

seems like a great way to guarantee they don't have sex.

My New Year's Resolution is to start smoking

I already smoke and am trying to stop; this way I guarantee I'll have quit by mid-February

Guarantee joke, My New Year's Resolution is to start smoking

How do you guarantee that your wishes always come true?

Wish for something that is already true.

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore....

My friend was wearing one and got shot by the woman's husband.

Why do hurricanes get lousy names, like Sandy?

Name that thing Hurricane Death Megatron 900 and I guarantee folks will be evacuating like they need to.

What's the best way to guarantee you won't go to jail.

Become a politician.

You can explore guarantee megatron reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean guarantee copyright dad jokes. There are also guarantee puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

comrade, what is difference between constitution of Russian motherland and the Finland?

Both constitutions guarantee freedom of speech, but only in finland do you get freedom after speech.

Don't worry, you can trust my parachutes.

They've got a lifetime guarantee.

My mate bought a new suitcase

My mate bought a new suitcase advertised as 'indestructible!', with a lifetime guarantee.

One week later one of the wheels broke clean off and the case would fall over when being used.

He tried to return his broken suitcase but the company refused to deal with him.

'Im going to sue!' my friend said angrily

I told him I would too but I was afraid his case wouldn't stand up in court.

It's decent money, but you can't guarantee a living as a sign spinner.

They have a high turnover rate.

Condoms don't really guarantee full protection during sex.

A friend was wearing one and he got shot by the girl's boyfriend.

Guarantee joke, Condoms don't really guarantee full protection during sex.

What is guaranteed to get girls wet?


How many homeschoolers does it take to change a lightbulb?

I have no idea, but I can guarantee that every single one of them will get at least half of a credit for it.

What's the best thing about living in Ethiopia as a foreigner?

Getting refunds on every appliance and tool with a lifetime guarantee.

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was stabbed by the woman's husband

On leaving a bar with my wife -

I slipped something into her drink which will guarantee me a dirty night in bed.




Condoms do not guarantee safe sex

I've been wearing one for months and still haven't gotten any sex

Ancient Egyptians who worked to preserve the Pharaoh for the afterlife are known for having being very good businessmen. In fact, they even invented what we know today as the "return policy."

It was know back then as the "mummy back guarantee..."

My local Erectile Dysfunction Clinic has a money-back guarantee.

They get paid on a pro-boner basis.

Condoms do not Guarantee safe sex

Last week a friend of mine was wearing a condom, when the women's husband came home and shot him dead

Hate feet but have a coworker who likes to take their shoes off at work? Do what I did...

Say 'phwoar, nice feet!'

HR will guarantee you'll never see them again!

I can guarantee you Fortnite will die in the next couple years

Nevermind apparently trash lives way longer than a couple years

Overhead in a country ruled by a dictator

Citizen: What happened to freedom of speech in this country?

Dictator: Freedom of speech has always been guaranteed in this country. It is freedom after speech which we can't guarantee

Cruel March Madness Odds

If you want a sure thing in your men's NCAA tournament pool, you'll need to fill out the 9,223,372,036,854,775,808 brackets necessary to guarantee a winner. Just leave yourself *plenty* of time to finish them all*:* if you filled out one bracket every second it would take you 292 billion years to cover all the possibilities.

If there's one that can be guaranteed from this Covid-19 quarantine

It's that every man, woman and child will be an expert at counting to 20 seconds by the end of it.

Well, if you inject yourself with bleach and disinfectant...

I guarantee you won't die of Covid-19

In China we guarantee our citizens the freedom of speech

But we do not guarantee their personal safety after their speech.

I know some jokes in sign language

I guarantee you no one has ever heard them

I know a lot of jokes in sign language

I guarantee no one has heard it before

I know several jokes in sign language

I guarantee nobody has ever heard them.

I've got some new jokes which I can only do in sign language...

I guarantee you, no one has ever heard them before.

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex any more.

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the guarantee assure jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working guarantee pledge piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes