Grown Up Jokes
102 grown up jokes and hilarious grown up puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about grown up that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Grown Up Short Jokes
Short grown up jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The grown up humour may include short grow up jokes also.
- Tonight, while telling my grown children some dad jokes, my 34 y/o son hit me with… What's the difference between dad and an ice cream truck? The ice cream truck has Good Humor!
- Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have? I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.
- My mate just watched the Chernobyl documentary and, having grown up in Ukraine in the 1980s, he was pretty mad. And I get it, too. He counted at least eight historical inaccuracies on one hand.
- Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish. The results speak for themselves.
- My wife told me I should shave my beard. A few months ago, I would have maybe agreed with her, but now it has really grown on me.
- "Wanna hear a really good joke about half-grown bananas?" "Nevermind, now's not the ripe time!" 😉
I made this myself, instead of sleeping at night. - "My goodness, you've grown a foot since I last saw you..." ...said the doctor in Chernobyl.
- A koala walks into a barber shop A koala walks into a barber shop and hops up into the chair. He points to the excess fur that has grown around his ears and asks the barber, "Can eucalyptus?"
- I was really looking forward to interviewing a local child psychologist, until I did. Turns out they were a full grown adult!
- I saw my uncle on Tinder Obviously I swiped left. He's not going to be in to me now that I'm all grown up.
Share These Grown Up Jokes With Friends
Grown Up One Liners
Which grown up one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with grown up? I can suggest the ones about adulthood and grow old.
- What do you call a rabbit that's raised indoors? An in-grown hare!:)
- I've grown an interest with Mussolini's Italy. I guess you can call it a fascistnation.
- I would shave my beard... but it's kind of grown on me.
- Technology will never replace human beings! Lab-grown meat just isn't the same.
- At first, I really hated the large pimple on my nose. But it's grown on me.
- A grown man called me autistic today. Never talking to my psychiatrist again.
- Davy Jones was a lucky man He had 3 grown men fighting for his heart
- In Germany the grown ups are kind... ...but the children are kinder.
- How did Medusa know she'd grown into a woman? She grew bush vipers
- I've grown bored of reality, So I started watching cable news.
- I just taught my grown son how to walk It was a huge weight of my shoulder
- I used to never leave the house without my lucky T-shirt. I've grown out of it now.
- A typical Single-cells' marriage counseling Same old story we've grown apart, says one
- I'm Proud Of My Newborn Son. Over these past 9 months he's really grown as a person.
- My wife passed away from an infected in-grown hair. I got a cyst and deceased letter.
Quirky and Hilarious Grown Up Jokes to Let the Chuckles Begin.
What funny jokes about grown up you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean young adults jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make grown up pranks.
A husband, so proud...
....of the fact that his wife had given birth to 6 children, begins to call her "mother of 6" rather than by her first name. The wife was amused at first.
A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of her husband's description. "Mother of 6, get me a beer!" This type of situation rose to a boiling point.
Finally, while at a party with her husband, he jokingly said, "Hey mother of 6, it's time to go!"
The wife shouted, "I'll be right with you - father of 4!"
[found this scrolling through YouTube Comments]
A DEA agent and a rancher
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your BADGE.........!!"
Young man goes off to university
A young man goes off to university in a town several hours drive from where his parents live. Two months later, he write to his folks. The letter reads, "Dear Mom and Dad, I'm having a great time! I've enclosed a picture, as you can see I've grown a nice goatee! Don't I look like a Count?"
The father says to his wife, "Well that's upsetting. We spend all this money sending him to school, and he can't even spell."
I love how grown up my little child is these days...
... he completely understood & obeyed when I quietly whispered "Go tell mommy you need to have your diaper changed".
A few insurance workers are gathered at lunch when...
a wrinkly, old woman walks up. She approaches them with her hands behind her back and says to them, "If any of you can guess what is behind my back, you can sleep with me!"
The men all laugh before one man yells out, "I dont know. A fully grown alligator!"
The old woman shows a big smile and responds, "Close enough!"
The joke my 9 year old brother made so much better.
What kind of bee is the most dangerous?
The Hepatitis Bee.
(My brother: "Please tell me that joke!"
Me: "no, it's a grown-up joke."
Brother: "Please? I know I'll get it!")
The twins
There were two twin brothers called Juan and Jamal who had grown up and left their family to find their luck far away in two different parts of the country.
After a while, missing his sons, their father went to a trip to see them. When back home, his wife, who had stayed home, asked him about their kids.
"I went first to Juan. He is quite fine" he said.
"What about Jamal, did you visit him as well?"
"No need. If I've seen Juan, I've seen Jamal"
Some guys are talking about pets...
They get to talking about how good big dogs are because they can make good guard dogs.
One of the guys says "I preferred my old chihuahua pebbles better. And no other dog made me feel safer! He died killing a rabid full grown doberman for me!"
The other guys are confused and ask how that was even possible.
"The doberman choked to death."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
h**... use among horses have grown
But finding the evidence is like finding a needle in a haystack.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Just thought this when making a coffee, I'm sorry...
I've grown a f**... where I love to lick milk off white women's feet, I've been labelled a racist though... it's not my fault I'm black toes intolerant.
Thank you, thank you very much *hangs head in shame*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny's dad asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees...
Little Johnny claps his hands over his ears and says, "I don't wanna hear anymore! First you tell me there's no Santa Claus, and then there's no Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy either. If you're about to tell me grown ups don't have s**..., I got nothin' to believe in anymore!"
What's the difference between a bag that you take onto an airplane and the vegetables grown in Bilbo's garden?
One is cabin baggage, the other is Baggin's cabbage.
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees...
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
Ol' Russian joke
Comrade Stalin approaches a farmer and asks :
"Comrade, how many potatoes have we grown this season?"
"Enough to reach God, comrade!" Replied the farmer.
"But there is no God" said Stalin
"Ah, said the farmer, as there are no potatoes."
Maybe I'm too old for pillow forts.
On the one hand, I feel young enough to want to build pillow forts, but on the other hand, I'm a grown up now, with my own adult responsibilities and apartment, so I don't have access to my parents' awesome sofa cushions.
Pluto is 4.5 billion years old, but yet it is not allowed to sit at the grown-ups' table.
My little cousin dropped this one on me:
Me: Wow, you must've grown a foot since the last time I saw you!
Cosin: Nope, still have two!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Jewish Elbow
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301.
There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301.
I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these b**... with my elbow?
"What...you coming empty handed?"
A monkey climbs a banana tree
So a monkey climbs a banana tree one day and is astonished to see a fully grown elephant sitting in it.
"what are you doing here?" asks the monkey.
"eating these pears," said the elephant, holding up a pear.
"but this is a banana tree," said the monkey.
"I know" said the elephant. "i brought my own pears."
A boy goes to the circus
and one of the sideshows is a tent that says "Man Who Remembers Everything." Intrigued, the boy goes inside and sees an old Native American man sitting on the ground. He approaches the man and asks, "If you remember everything, what did you have for breakfast exactly three weeks ago?"
Without hesitation, the man responds, "Eggs." The boy is sufficiently impressed and leaves to enjoy the rest of the circus.
Many years later, the boy has grown up, gotten married, and had children. One day he takes his family to the circus and is shocked to see the Man Who Remembers Everything is still there. He brings his family into the tent, and there is the same old man sitting on the ground.
Excited to see the old man again, he walks up and greets him, "How!"
The old man looks into his eyes and replies, "Scrambled."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What happens when you cross a grown kitten, a donkey, and a champion?
A cat-a**...-trophy.
Little Johnny told his parent "I'm a grown up now, I am ready to live by myself"
His parent, being very proud of their son, said "Well that's great! We have no reason to stop you"
To which he replied "Awesome! Your luggage is at the front door"
Stopped shaving for November, at first I hated the mustache, but what can I say?
It's grown on me.
A man wakes up one morning to find that he's grown a thick beard and is wearing a turban....
He, being very concerned and disoriented, calls his boss in order to see if he can get the day off.
Man: "Boss, I just woke up with a turban and a long, thick beard. I think I need a day to figure things out."
Boss: " So what are you saying....?"
Man: "I'm calling in Sikh."
They said due to my dyslexia, I wouldn't stand a chance in a spelling bee.
You should've seen the look on their faces when I proved them grown.
A girl realizes that she has grown hair between her legs
She gets worried and asks her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly says, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she tells her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiles and says, "That's nothing; mine is already eating bananas."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you know: If you lay out a grown human's intestines end to end,
They'll die.
How do you know that you have grown up?
You are walking in the road and the priests don't even see you
I grew my hair out, and now my GF wants me to cut it.
Thing is, I've grown attached to it.
Why is it appropriate that the Rolling Stones let their song Start Me Up be used for a Windows 95 commercial?
Because it contains the lyrics You'd make a grown man cry.
I overheard a grown man call a trebuchet a catapult. I got really angry with him at first, but I learned something.
He weighed exactly 90kg.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It s**... being a grown up.
Nobody tells you you did a good job when you eat all of your food.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a grown man that hate jews
Adult h**...
The day after his wife moved out, a man built a greenhouse in his garden
Her last words before leaving had been "call me when you've grown a pear."
Grown-ups fooled us by making us think we would be superheroes on adulthood
Firefighter, Broker, Waterboy, Machinist, Driller, Embalmer, Goldsmith, Hydrologist, Lifeguard, Naturopath
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When I die, I want an almond tree seed to be planted with my body ...
and several years from then, when that tree is full grown, you can all e**... nuts.
My kids love Life cereal. I told them there's a grown-up version called That's Just Life
Each box of it is expensive, mostly empty & doesn't taste very good.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these b**... with my elbow?...
"What, you're coming empty handed?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I've grown tired of m**...
But on the other hand...
A woman went to the doctor's office and seen by one of the new young doctors.
After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
A woman bursts out of the examining room, screaming after her doctor tells her she is pregnant
The director of the clinic stops her and asks what the problem is. She tells him what happened and another doctor has her sit down and relax in another room while he marches down the hallway to where the woman's doctor had informed her of the pregnancy.
What is wrong with you? Mrs. Miller is 60 years old, has six grown children and nine grandchildren - and you tell her she's pregnant?
The doctor continues to write his notes and without looking up at his colleague says, tell me, does she still have the hiccups?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
lego bricks are like b**......
...They're designed for kids, but it's the grown-ups who have more fun with them. Oh, and it hurts when someone steps on them.
Growing Up
My son, Bob, was only 5 feet, 8 inches tall when he left for college in the fall. He worked through the Christmas holidays and didn't return home again until the February break.
When he got off the plane, I was stunned at how much taller he looked. Measuring him at home, I discovered he now stood at 5 feet, 11 inches. My son was as surprised as I. "Couldn't you tell by your clothes that you'd grown?" I asked him.
"Since I've been doing my own laundry," he replied, "I just figured everything had shrunk."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My b**... haven't grown much since I decided to transition
I guess that's what I get for cutting out all of my trans fat
All this time I've been looking forward to when I can get a proper haircut again, and thinking I'll shave off this lockdown beard of mine.
But over the past year, it's gradually grown on me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife:
You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T.
There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in.
Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell".
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these b**... with my elbow"?
You're coming empty handed"?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Y'know I used to hate my t**... when I was growing up.
They've grown on me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A visit to my grandmother
A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife:
"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T.
There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T.
I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right.
Get in, and with your elbow hit 14.
When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell".
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these b**... with my elbow"?
"You're coming empty handed"?
What is house arrest for grown-ups?
"Your package will be delivered tomorrow between 9AM and 5PM."
My Gran barely recognises me after I've been staying in Chernobyl for a few months.
It's not surprising. I've grown another foot!
Because I try to be honest with myself, for Christmas I got my mom a book called "But, I'm Still Your Mom: How to Deal With Your Disappointing Grown Children"
Amazon says it should be here by the 29th.
Doctor has a question.
He asks if I'd like to be a kidney donor. I tell him "Doc, I'm all grown up now. I have adult knees, I don't think that'll work."
My doctor told me I've really grown as a person!
Well, her exact words were that I "Gained Weight"
One that made the wife groan
A few weeks ago I was talking to my wife about how our taste buds have changed since we were kids.
I said "Yeah, I still can't handle mushrooms though, they are awful"
Her "I don't know, mushrooms have grown on me"
Me deadpan "Well, you should probably shower more often then."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Idk my daughter totally got me today and it was quite funny
"I've got something in my mouth!"
"No you don't."
"I've got something in my mooouuuth"
"No you don't, you better not" *turns around in passenger seat of car to look at her*
"See!!! It's my tongue!!!"
...little s**... bird.
She is 3 years old and we were on our way to the hospital for her chemotherapy treatment. My daughter will become either a nurse, Dr, or a comedian when she is grown.
[Posting cause randomly remembered it. Sorry if repost.] 2 friends were talking while having a drink together
Friend 1: my grandpa had a barnhouse so big, if you put a calf through one end, by the time it came out the other end it would be a full grown cow.
Friend 2: my grandpa had a bamboo so big he could move the clouds out of his way so he could see the moon and the stars at night.
Friend 1: You're bluffing. Where'd he even keep a bamboo that big?
Friend 2: In your grandpa's barnhouse.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy approaches a girl at a bar:
"How heavy is a polar bear?" The guy says
"oh ive heard this one, heavy enough to break the ice" the girl smugly answers
"Thats s**..., it lives on ice you m**.... A fully grown polar bear is about 450 kilograms.
Proud Dad Moment
My daughter has two in-grown toe-nails, one on each foot. I was preparing some nice warm soaking water for her while my wife asked our daughter how her feet were doing and the conversation went like this:
Mom: How's your toe doing, you have two toes right?
Me/Daughter (at the exact same time): I have ten toes!
My wife gave the necessary groan and laughed, but my daughter and I shared a truly special moment.
I was most proud.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
r**...
Having grown up in a small Alabama town, my friend James couldn't wait to tell us all about life in California, where he was stationed.
"The malls are massive, and the restaurants are great," he said. Then he grinned. "I even went to a t**... bar."
"Really?" said his mother, surprised.
"What do they do if it starts to rain?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
visiting grandma...
A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these b**... with my elbow? .........
"What . .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Cheerios
Twins, Johnny and Billy are turning 13 next week and so they were discussing growing up.
Since we are gonna be grown up now we should be able to curse
Johnny says Ok Billy you say s**... and I'll say a**....
So they head downstairs for breakfast ready for the day.
Their Mom asks what would you like for breakfast Boys?
Billy says aww s**..., I'll just have some cheerios.
Momma scoops Billy straight up spanks him and sends him to timeout.
When she comes back still flustered and asks Johnny and what about you?
I don't know what I want but you can bet your a**... it isn't Cheerios
What is marriage like?
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "My son is almost grown up now. Over the weekend he asked me what marriage is like," he tells the bartender. "So, what did you tell him?" the bartender asks. "I told him, 'It's fine.' And then I gave him the silent treatment for three days."
An Italian, a Thai and a Jew are discussing lubricants.
The Italian says: "I am using olive oil from an ancient family grove. My wife is so pleased that she continues to shout for 10 minutes after we are done."
The Thai says: "I am using coconut oil made from cocnuts grown on a secret island. My wife is so pleased that she continues to shout for an hour after we are done."
The Jew says: "I am using Kosher fish oil from the grocery store and my wife is shouting for one month after we are done.'
"One month?" asked in astonishment the other two.
"Yes, that's because I wipe my hands with the bedroom curtains..."
