Grown Jokes
107 grown jokes and hilarious grown puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about grown that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Grown Short Jokes
Short grown jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The grown humour may include short gross jokes also.
- Tonight, while telling my grown children some dad jokes, my 34 y/o son hit me with… What's the difference between dad and an ice cream truck? The ice cream truck has Good Humor!
- Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have? I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.
- My mate just watched the Chernobyl documentary and, having grown up in Ukraine in the 1980s, he was pretty mad. And I get it, too. He counted at least eight historical inaccuracies on one hand.
- Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish. The results speak for themselves.
- When I was a kid, I used to believe in such nonsense as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the easter Bunny. Now that I've grown older, I don't believe in that rubbish anymore, thank God.
- My wife told me I should shave my beard. A few months ago, I would have maybe agreed with her, but now it has really grown on me.
- What's the difference between America and cheese? If you left cheese out for 200 years it would have grown a culture.
- Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have ? I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since
- Scientists have successfully grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish. The results speak for themselves
- "Wanna hear a really good joke about half-grown bananas?" "Nevermind, now's not the ripe time!" 😉
I made this myself, instead of sleeping at night.
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Grown One Liners
Which grown one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with grown? I can suggest the ones about grass and crop.
- What do you call a rabbit that's raised indoors? An in-grown hare!:)
- I've grown an interest with Mussolini's Italy. I guess you can call it a fascistnation.
- I would shave my beard... but it's kind of grown on me.
- Technology will never replace human beings! Lab-grown meat just isn't the same.
- I wasn't a fan of this whole cancer thing But it's grown on me.
- At first, I really hated the large pimple on my nose. But it's grown on me.
- I used to not like cancer humor But it's grown on me.
- A grown man called me autistic today. Never talking to my psychiatrist again.
- Davy Jones was a lucky man He had 3 grown men fighting for his heart
- Did you know: If you lay out a grown human's intestines end to end, They'll die.
- At first I didn't like my beard but it's grown on me.
- In Germany the grown ups are kind... ...but the children are kinder.
- How did Medusa know she'd grown into a woman? She grew bush vipers
- A few months ago I got a haircut I didn't like... ...but since then, it's grown on me.
- I've grown bored of reality, So I started watching cable news.
Grown Up Jokes
Here is a list of funny grown up jokes and even better grown up puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Has anyone's gardening skills improved during the quarantine? I planted myself on the couch in august and have grown significantly since.
- I don't watch World Cup soccer. If I wanted to see grown men struggle to score for 90 minutes I'd go to a bar.
- "My goodness, you've grown a foot since I last saw you..." ...said the doctor in Chernobyl.
- A koala walks into a barber shop A koala walks into a barber shop and hops up into the chair. He points to the excess fur that has grown around his ears and asks the barber, "Can eucalyptus?"
- I was really looking forward to interviewing a local child psychologist, until I did. Turns out they were a full grown adult!
- I saw my uncle on Tinder Obviously I swiped left. He's not going to be in to me now that I'm all grown up.
- Apparently, the FDA is okay with lab-grown meat Poodle-grown meat, however, is still off the menu.
- Why shouldn't you pick on older children that still believe in Santa. bc, I know grown ass men that still think Fords are reliable.
- What is house arrest for grown-ups? "Your package will be delivered tomorrow between 9AM and 5PM."
- what do you call a grown woman with a Lego obsession? Legolass. And beautiful if you still want to be married.
Locally Grown Jokes
Here is a list of funny locally grown jokes and even better locally grown puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If you use locally grown ingredients... ...the terroirists win.
Hilarious Fun Grown Jokes to Bring Joy & Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about grown you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean growth jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make grown pranks.
A husband, so proud...
....of the fact that his wife had given birth to 6 children, begins to call her "mother of 6" rather than by her first name. The wife was amused at first.
A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of her husband's description. "Mother of 6, get me a beer!" This type of situation rose to a boiling point.
Finally, while at a party with her husband, he jokingly said, "Hey mother of 6, it's time to go!"
The wife shouted, "I'll be right with you - father of 4!"
[found this scrolling through YouTube Comments]
A DEA agent and a rancher
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your BADGE.........!!"
Young man goes off to university
A young man goes off to university in a town several hours drive from where his parents live. Two months later, he write to his folks. The letter reads, "Dear Mom and Dad, I'm having a great time! I've enclosed a picture, as you can see I've grown a nice goatee! Don't I look like a Count?"
The father says to his wife, "Well that's upsetting. We spend all this money sending him to school, and he can't even spell."
I love how grown up my little child is these days...
... he completely understood & obeyed when I quietly whispered "Go tell mommy you need to have your diaper changed".
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said- "that part where hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair" the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister-"my monkey has grown hair"
Her sister smiled and said-"that's nothing, mine is already eating bananas" .
A few insurance workers are gathered at lunch when...
a wrinkly, old woman walks up. She approaches them with her hands behind her back and says to them, "If any of you can guess what is behind my back, you can sleep with me!"
The men all laugh before one man yells out, "I dont know. A fully grown alligator!"
The old woman shows a big smile and responds, "Close enough!"
Some guys are talking about pets...
They get to talking about how good big dogs are because they can make good guard dogs.
One of the guys says "I preferred my old chihuahua pebbles better. And no other dog made me feel safer! He died killing a rabid full grown doberman for me!"
The other guys are confused and ask how that was even possible.
"The doberman choked to death."
h**... use among horses have grown
But finding the evidence is like finding a needle in a haystack.
Just thought this when making a coffee, I'm sorry...
I've grown a f**... where I love to lick milk off white women's feet, I've been labelled a racist though... it's not my fault I'm black toes intolerant.
Thank you, thank you very much *hangs head in shame*
Little Johnny's dad asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees...
Little Johnny claps his hands over his ears and says, "I don't wanna hear anymore! First you tell me there's no Santa Claus, and then there's no Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy either. If you're about to tell me grown ups don't have s**..., I got nothin' to believe in anymore!"
What's the difference between a bag that you take onto an airplane and the vegetables grown in Bilbo's garden?
One is cabin baggage, the other is Baggin's cabbage.
Ol' Russian joke
Comrade Stalin approaches a farmer and asks :
"Comrade, how many potatoes have we grown this season?"
"Enough to reach God, comrade!" Replied the farmer.
"But there is no God" said Stalin
"Ah, said the farmer, as there are no potatoes."
Maybe I'm too old for pillow forts.
On the one hand, I feel young enough to want to build pillow forts, but on the other hand, I'm a grown up now, with my own adult responsibilities and apartment, so I don't have access to my parents' awesome sofa cushions.
My little cousin dropped this one on me:
Me: Wow, you must've grown a foot since the last time I saw you!
Cosin: Nope, still have two!
The Jewish Elbow
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301.
There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301.
I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these b**... with my elbow?
"What...you coming empty handed?"
Little Johnny told his parent "I'm a grown up now, I am ready to live by myself"
His parent, being very proud of their son, said "Well that's great! We have no reason to stop you"
To which he replied "Awesome! Your luggage is at the front door"
A girl realised she had grown hair in betweem her legs
She asked her mother about that hair, her mom calmy replied:
"The part where that hair has grown is called monkey, so be proud your monkey has grown hair."
She was so happy at the table, she told her older sister her Monkey had grown hair.
Her sister smiled and said:
"Oh thats nothing, my Monkey is already eating bananas."
A man wakes up one morning to find that he's grown a thick beard and is wearing a turban....
He, being very concerned and disoriented, calls his boss in order to see if he can get the day off.
Man: "Boss, I just woke up with a turban and a long, thick beard. I think I need a day to figure things out."
Boss: " So what are you saying....?"
Man: "I'm calling in Sikh."
I'm a grownup and I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow up
because I'm still looking for ideas.
An 11 year old girl realized that she had started to grow hair between her legs.
She got worried and asked her Mom about the hair. Her Mom calmly said " That part where hair has grown is called a Monkey, be proud that your Monkey has grown hair. " Next morning at breakfast she told her sister. " my moneky has grown hair. " her sister smiled and said " That's Nothing, mine is already eating Banana
They said due to my dyslexia, I wouldn't stand a chance in a spelling bee.
You should've seen the look on their faces when I proved them grown.
A girl realizes that she has grown hair between her legs
She gets worried and asks her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly says, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she tells her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiles and says, "That's nothing; mine is already eating bananas."
I was never all that into f**... hair...
But it's grown on me
A husband and wife have grown old together.
He comes home to see his wife n**..., standing on her hands.
He asks why shes in such a position
She responds "Well, we both know you can't get it up anymore, how about you try dropping it in."
I used to hate f**... hair
But now it's grown on me
How do you know that you have grown up?
You are walking in the road and the priests don't even see you
I overheard a grown man call a trebuchet a catapult. I got really angry with him at first, but I learned something.
He weighed exactly 90kg.
It s**... being a grown up.
Nobody tells you you did a good job when you eat all of your food.
Scientists have successfully grown human vocal cords in the lab
The results speak for themselves.
When I die, I want an almond tree seed to be planted with my body ...
and several years from then, when that tree is full grown, you can all e**... nuts.
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these b**... with my elbow?...
"What, you're coming empty handed?"
I've grown tired of m**...
But on the other hand...
A woman bursts out of the examining room, screaming after her doctor tells her she is pregnant
The director of the clinic stops her and asks what the problem is. She tells him what happened and another doctor has her sit down and relax in another room while he marches down the hallway to where the woman's doctor had informed her of the pregnancy.
What is wrong with you? Mrs. Miller is 60 years old, has six grown children and nine grandchildren - and you tell her she's pregnant?
The doctor continues to write his notes and without looking up at his colleague says, tell me, does she still have the hiccups?
When I was a kid, I used to believe in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the tooth fairy
Now that I've grown older, I don't believe in that nonsense any more, thank God.
My b**... haven't grown much since I decided to transition
I guess that's what I get for cutting out all of my trans fat
All this time I've been looking forward to when I can get a proper haircut again, and thinking I'll shave off this lockdown beard of mine.
But over the past year, it's gradually grown on me.
A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife:
You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T.
There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in.
Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell".
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these b**... with my elbow"?
You're coming empty handed"?
Y'know I used to hate my t**... when I was growing up.
They've grown on me.
A visit to my grandmother
A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife:
"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T.
There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T.
I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right.
Get in, and with your elbow hit 14.
When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell".
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these b**... with my elbow"?
"You're coming empty handed"?
My Gran barely recognises me after I've been staying in Chernobyl for a few months.
It's not surprising. I've grown another foot!
Because I try to be honest with myself, for Christmas I got my mom a book called "But, I'm Still Your Mom: How to Deal With Your Disappointing Grown Children"
Amazon says it should be here by the 29th.
Doctor has a question.
He asks if I'd like to be a kidney donor. I tell him "Doc, I'm all grown up now. I have adult knees, I don't think that'll work."
My doctor told me I've really grown as a person!
Well, her exact words were that I "Gained Weight"
One that made the wife groan
A few weeks ago I was talking to my wife about how our taste buds have changed since we were kids.
I said "Yeah, I still can't handle mushrooms though, they are awful"
Her "I don't know, mushrooms have grown on me"
Me deadpan "Well, you should probably shower more often then."
Idk my daughter totally got me today and it was quite funny
"I've got something in my mouth!"
"No you don't."
"I've got something in my mooouuuth"
"No you don't, you better not" *turns around in passenger seat of car to look at her*
"See!!! It's my tongue!!!"
...little s**... bird.
She is 3 years old and we were on our way to the hospital for her chemotherapy treatment. My daughter will become either a nurse, Dr, or a comedian when she is grown.
[Posting cause randomly remembered it. Sorry if repost.] 2 friends were talking while having a drink together
Friend 1: my grandpa had a barnhouse so big, if you put a calf through one end, by the time it came out the other end it would be a full grown cow.
Friend 2: my grandpa had a bamboo so big he could move the clouds out of his way so he could see the moon and the stars at night.
Friend 1: You're bluffing. Where'd he even keep a bamboo that big?
Friend 2: In your grandpa's barnhouse.
A guy approaches a girl at a bar:
"How heavy is a polar bear?" The guy says
"oh ive heard this one, heavy enough to break the ice" the girl smugly answers
"Thats s**..., it lives on ice you m**.... A fully grown polar bear is about 450 kilograms.
r**...
Having grown up in a small Alabama town, my friend James couldn't wait to tell us all about life in California, where he was stationed.
"The malls are massive, and the restaurants are great," he said. Then he grinned. "I even went to a t**... bar."
"Really?" said his mother, surprised.
"What do they do if it starts to rain?"
visiting grandma...
A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these b**... with my elbow? .........
"What . .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"
Puberty story
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said, "That's nothing; mine is already eating bananas."
The Cheerios
Twins, Johnny and Billy are turning 13 next week and so they were discussing growing up.
Since we are gonna be grown up now we should be able to curse
Johnny says Ok Billy you say s**... and I'll say a**....
So they head downstairs for breakfast ready for the day.
Their Mom asks what would you like for breakfast Boys?
Billy says aww s**..., I'll just have some cheerios.
Momma scoops Billy straight up spanks him and sends him to timeout.
When she comes back still flustered and asks Johnny and what about you?
I don't know what I want but you can bet your a**... it isn't Cheerios
What is marriage like?
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "My son is almost grown up now. Over the weekend he asked me what marriage is like," he tells the bartender. "So, what did you tell him?" the bartender asks. "I told him, 'It's fine.' And then I gave him the silent treatment for three days."
An Italian, a Thai and a Jew are discussing lubricants.
The Italian says: "I am using olive oil from an ancient family grove. My wife is so pleased that she continues to shout for 10 minutes after we are done."
The Thai says: "I am using coconut oil made from cocnuts grown on a secret island. My wife is so pleased that she continues to shout for an hour after we are done."
The Jew says: "I am using Kosher fish oil from the grocery store and my wife is shouting for one month after we are done.'
"One month?" asked in astonishment the other two.
"Yes, that's because I wipe my hands with the bedroom curtains..."
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs.
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair."
Her sister smiled and said, "That's nothing; mine is already eating bananas."
A man goes to the doctor, he's visibly losing hair.
He says to the doctor, "I've spent months trying to grow my hair back, trying so many different treatments, but nothing has worked." The doctor says, "Well, it sounds a bit weird but, I suggest you rub the top of your head against your wife's private area once a night." The man does so, and a month later he walks into the doctor's office with a full head of hair. He notices that the doctor has grown a mustache and beard.
