Growing Old Jokes

A couple of senior couples were strolling along, wives in front, husbands in back chatting.
Bernie turns to Marv and says, "Ya know, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Great prices, too."
Marv smiles and says, "Well, we like to eat out too. So what was the name of this fine new eatery?"
Bernie says, "You’re going to have to help me out here a little. What’s the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, often red, grows on a thorny bush?"
Marv grins again, "Well now, Bernie, sounds like a rose to me…"
"Yes, yes, that’s it!" cries Bernie, then he calls ahead to his wife: "Rose! Rose, honey, what was the name of that little restaurant we ate at last night?"

(it's a long story)A farmer sees a stranger walking down the road...

A farmer sees a stranger walking down the road. In a few minutes the man comes back and hails the farmer. He says "I see you have some Honeysuckle growing down the road. I was wondering if you had an old jar that I can collect the honey in?"
The farmer is confused and says "Well you can have a jar, but you won't get honey from a Honeysuckle."
The man replies "If you know how you can."
So the farmer gives him the jar. Soon he comes back to show the farmer and, sure enough, the jar is full of golden honey.
A few days later the stranger comes by again. He says "I see you have some Milkweed growing along the road. Would you have a bucket I can collect some milk in."
The farmer laughs and says "That was a good trick with the honey, but you can't get milk from a Milkweed."
The man replies "If you know how you can."
The farmer gives him the bucket and soon enough he comes back with the pail full of milk.
A week later the stranger comes by again.
He says to the farmer "I see you have some Pussywillows growing.."
The farmers interrupts with "Wait'll I get my hat!"

Woman buys parrot

A woman walks into a pet store, and is perusing through the various animals when she comes across one of the most beautiful parrots she has ever seen. She's taken aback by the tropical beauty of this bird, and when she looks on the price tag on the cage it says 50$. The woman turns to the man at the front counter and asks "Why is a bird this beautiful being sold for this little?" The man looks up and says "Oh, that bird was originally kept in a house of prostitution, and boy does he have a mouth". The woman takes the words to heart but buys the bird anyway. She buys it, and takes it home with her. She puts the bird in the living room. Suddenly the bird squawks "NEW HOUSE NEW MADAME!" The woman is put off by this but she figures that in a few days the bird will get over it. Her daughters come home from school and the bird speaks again "NEW HOUSE, NEW MADAME, NEW GIRLS!" Again the woman is off put but she assures her kids that the bird will grow out of its old habits. The woman's husband gets back in from a day at work. The parrot takes one look at him and squawks:
"HI GARY!!"

A man lives on a farm, he writes to his son in prison

A man lives on a farm, he writes to his son in prison -
"I can't grow potatoes this year. I'm too old to be digging up the field."
Soon he gets a letter back from his son. -
"You can't dig in the field, that's where I buried the bodies!"
The next morning, people came from the police. They dug up the entire field but found nothing.
Soon the farmer gets another letter from his son. -
"Now Dad, you can grow potatoes. It was the best I could do from here."

s**... healing

Dave went to his doctor for a check up. The doctor said, "Well, you are in the best of health. Do you have any questions for me?" Dave thought for a moment and replied. "Yeah, I've noticed my wife isn't, you know, in the mood like she used to be. What can I do about that?" The doctor chuckled and said, "That's just part of growing old, Dave. Tell you what, I'll write you a prescription for these pills. Slip one into her drink and wait about 2 hours, she will be hot for you then."
Dave went home, and that night, he slipped a pill into her glass of water. Then he started thinking. What if she was ready to go and he couldn't perform? He quickly swallowed 3 of the pills and took some water. They went to bed and Dave waited for the drugs to do their magic. After a while, he figured they didn't work, and fell asleep. About two hours later, his wife suddenly sat straight up in bed and yelled, "I need a man! I need a man!" He sat straight up in bed next to her and yelled, "So do I! So do I!"

Paraprosdokians

* Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
* The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
* Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
* If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
* We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
* War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
* Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
* I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
* In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put'DOCTOR'.
* Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are s**....
* You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
* I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
* To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
* Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
* You're never too old to learn something s**....

Bing Crosby

A long time ago, back in the autumn of 1952, when Bing Crosby was
filming the movie "White Christmas" in New Hampshire, the Mayor of
Nashua, NH thought it would be a great idea to have Bing visit their
fair town & present him with the key to the city on the steps of City
Hall. You know, a nice little photo op for the mayor's re-election &
a
way for some of the town's dignitaries to meet the Great Bing Crosby.
Now one as to remember, Bing Crosby at this time was at the peak of his singing career. He was bigger than Elvis, the Beatles, Sinatra, Lady GaGa & the Beach Boys all put together. He crossed generational lines, admired by young & old as one of the "coolest cats" in the music world.
Well, word leaked out that Bing would be in town so hundreds of
teenagers skipped school to attend the little ceremony. The
authorities were not prepared for such a large crowd, there were only a few policemen present, and things soon got out of hand. Pushing &
shoving began as the teenagers all wanted to get closer to see their hero. It soon looked like the Mayor was going to a have a riot on his hands and he was growing more frantic by the minute. All he wanted was a nice little ceremony with Bing and now he had a full fledged uprising threatening to ruin everything.
Throughout all this Bing was seated in his chair, calmly observing
what was happening. When the crowd started to push through the barricades that were set up, he had had enough. Bing got up, strolled to the microphone & said in a commanding voice, "All right, everyone cool down right now"! The rioting crowd immediately calmed down and the Mayor's little ceremony went on without a hitch & everyone went home happy.
The next day's newspaper headline read: CROSBY STILLS NASHUA YOUNG!!

Charlie the Street Car Conductor

Long joke that is passed down in my family
So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the friendliest street conductor that the city has ever seen. Not only did he never complain about his job, but also he greeted everyone who boarded his street car and treated them like family. Everything in his life was perfect for Charlie until one day he decided to operate the street car after having a few drinks. In his drunken state, he crashed the streetcar and killed all the passengers. After going to court Charlie was sentences to death by the eletric chair. When the day came for his execution, a gaurd visited Charlie's cell and asked him what he wanted for his final meal. Charlie replied, "I want a rotten tomato and a raw fish." After Charlie finished his meal he headed into the execution room and sat down in the eletric chair. The warden gave the order to pull the switch and the room went dark as thousands of volts passed through Charlies body. After the switch was thrown back it came as a suprise that Charlie was in fact still alive. Having no idea what else to do the warden let Charlie out of jail but banned him from ever operating a streetcar in New Orleans. Since street cars were his life Charlie decided "Hey I'll go to Japan, I hear they have fancy new street cars there." In Japan Charlie gets a job as a conductor again, but as before decides that after having a few drinks that he is still able to work the street car. To no suprise Charlie crashes the stree car and kills all the passengers. Charlie again finds himself in jail ordering his last meal. "A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. After the meal was eaten, Charlie was led to the chair and once again survives the eletricity. Because he wasn't dying, he was set free but banned from operating the street cars in Japan. Charlie thought to himself, "Well I heard San Francisco still has street cars operating so I'll go there." As you can guess Charlie ends up in the same situation and again orders the same meal " A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. The warden from San Francisco had heard of Charlie and his previous death sentences so before he brought Charlie in to be executed he sent a letter to the mayor asking to reroute the city's eletricity to the jail. The mayor approved and confident with his new found power the warden smiled and gave the order to pull the switch. The lights in the room burst from the overload and the smell of something burning overwelmed the air. The warden after a minute ordered the gaurd to shut off the chair and as the smoke cleared, there was Charlie same as always. Distraught with emotion, the warden told Charlie to get out of his sights. Charlie, tired of going to jail, finally decided that maybe he shouldn't be a street car conductor after all. So Charlie travels back to New Orleans and meets his friend Thibodaux at a bar. Thibodaux after a few minutes of small talk tells Charlie "Everyone has heard about the eletric chair incidents and I just gotta axe, how were you able to survive all them jolts of electricity through your body? Was there something you did that made you resistant to it?" Charlie looks at Thibodaux and says "I dunno, I guess I was just a bad conductor."

CNN reporter

In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out.
She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.
"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a f**...' wall."

One of my grandpa's best Jokes

A young boy is on vacation in the Sahara desert with his family.
As they are gazing out across the sand, they notice a man walking around... carrying a car door.
"Hey! Why are you carrying that car door around in the desert?" asked the young boy.
The man looked over the family, wiped the sweat off his brow, and said;
"Well, when it gets hot I can put the window down."
...
My grandpa tells a lot of jokes like this, I will try to remember all of them and submit them here. He is 89 years old and still hand-turns the soil in his garden each year, he also built a large wooden trellis for his tomato plants. His jokes are starting to "grow whiskers" as my grandma says.

A man was preparing for his first solo flight over the wilds of Alaska.....

And during the pre-flight check, he pulled out the emergency kit and opened it. Inside he found just a single deck of cards and nothing else.
Turning to the old grizzled flying vet, he asks "Hey bud, sorry to seem concerned but why does the emergency kit only contain a deck of cards?"
The vet laugh heartily at the question. He answers "That's all you'll ever need here in the wild!"
Confused and growing concerned, the pilot asks "Don't....don't we need a gun, matches, fire starter, bullets and water to survive?"
The vet looks at him as replies "No man. If you ever c**..., just pull out the deck of cards and start playing solitaire. Eventually someone will show up and tell you that you're playing it wrong."

Did you hear about the woman who had 100 kids?

Well she s**... at naming children, so she decided to just number them in birth order. One, Two, Three, etc. Well, one day, her and all of her children were in a tragic plane accident and the only one who survived was 90. After years of grief and growing, 90 got married and had some kids of her own. One day, they found a stray dog and decided to keep it. But, just like her mom, she s**... at naming things. So they decided to call the dog, "That". After years, and years of a happy life, 90 and her husband became old and ill, eventually losing their memory. They didn't know who their children were or what their dogs name was. Only 90's kids will remember that.

An 11 year old girl realized she began to grow hair between her legs.

She immediately got worried and asked her mom about the hair. Her mom calmly replied,
That part where the hair is grown is called a monkey. You should be proud your monkey has grown hair!
The young girl was excited and went to sleep
The next morning, the young girl went up to her older sister Jessica during breakfast and exclaimed,
Jessie! My monkey has grown hair!
Her sister laughed and smiled while she told her,
My monkey is already eating bananas.