Growing Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Obama smoked weed growing up, and now look where he is today

Unemployed with two kids and recently evicted

When she was growing up, everybody laughed when Amy Schumer said she wanted to be a comedian...

Nobody's laughing now.

Which country has the fastest growing capitol?

Ireland. It's Dublin every year.

When I was growing up plastic surgery was a bit of a taboo subject...

These days if you mention Botox no one raises an eyebrow.

Growing up, my dad said we should treat him like a god...

...so we pretty much ignored him until we were sick, hurt, or broke.

Why does Ireland have the fastest growing economy in the world?

Because its capital is Dublin all the time!

[NSFW] Anne recently noticed she had hair growing between her legs...

Frantic, she asks her mom what's going on.

Her mother replies, "Don't worry sweetie, the part where the hair grows is called the Monkey. Be proud that your Monkey is growing hair."

The girl sighs in relief, and later at the dinner table she smiled and told her older sister Beth, "I've got hair growing on my Monkey."

The sister laughs and replies back, "That's nothing, mine is already eating bananas."

Gender Equality

Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent from CNN noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front.

The journalist asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality.

"No", the man replied. "Land-mines."

"Look at this!" I said to my roommate

"What happened?" he replied

"Look, the second, fourth, sixth and eighth plants are growing very healthily, but the other four are getting dry, even though I treated them the same!" I said

"Huh, weird!" he responded "water the odds!"

What country's Capital has the fastest growing population in the world?

Ireland. Everyday it's Dublin.

Which country has the fastest growing capital?

Ireland. It's Dublin every year.

My friend lives in Colorado and wanted to start growing weed on his cow farm. I told him it wasn't a good idea.

The steaks would be too high.

They say that coconut water is good for hair.

Now, I understand why my pubes are growing like crazy recently.

I was so poor growing up, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper…

Now those days are behind me…

My grandpa would always tell me...

that when he was growing up, in rural Texas, his momma would give him $1 and send him down to the store. He'd come back with 2 loaves of bread, half a gallon of milk, a carton of eggs, and a pound of pork. He says you can't do that now-a-days, way too many security cameras.

Growing up my mom told me...

I could be anybody I wanted to. Turns out this is called identity theft.

I'm not racist my best friend growing up was black

Until my dad sold him

What do you call a phallic shaped potato growing entirely above ground?

A rootless dick-tater

I just found bacteria growing on my chocolate bar.

I guess there is life on Mars after all.

Three nuns are talking about their gardens, one of them is deaf.

The first nun said "the cucumbers are growing fairly well, they're this big" and showed them how big it is with her hands.

The second nun said "that's great! The carrots are doing great too, they're this big" and showed them how big it is with her hands.

The deaf nun shouts "which priest you talking about?"

At age 12, I started responding, "Twelving like a pro." whenever someone asked me what I was up to.

Growing older, I've begun to wonder if the payoff will really be worth it by age 69.

Did you hear about the country with the fastest growing capital?

It's Ireland - every day it's Dublin.

Growing up we were so poor

We had to play Dungeons OR Dragons.

I had an imaginary friend growing up...he was an alcoholic.

I called him Dad.

A group of monks have an encounter with the almighty while tending their flower garden.

The experience so transforms them that they decide to form a new order, with a monastery, dedicated to growing flowers as a form of worship. Two years into the venture they realize that they are running out of funds and decide to begin selling some of their flowers as a way to raise funds to support their ministry and their way of life. Unfortunately a sheep from a nearby farm wandered into the monastery and quickly consumed all of their prize flowers.

It turns out only a ewe can prevent florist friars.

A Beautiful Woman Loves Growing Tomatoes

A beautiful woman loves to garden, but can't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. She asks her neighbor, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?" He replies, "Twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much. "The woman decides to do the same thing. So twice a day for two weeks she exposes herself to the garden. Her neighbor asks, "How did it go? Did you tomatoes turn red?" "No," she replies, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

My dad always thought I wasn't man enough to become a fruit farmer...

... I proved him wrong by growing a pear.

I used to hate my hair

But it's growing on me

I'm going to major in Marijuana when I go to college...

I hear it's a growing field.

Ireland is the fastest growing country

Their population is Dublin every day.

An elderly couple gets pulled over by a cop.

The wife is driving, but she has a bit of a hearing problem. The officer notifies her that she was doing 38 in a 25 zone.
The wife turns to her husband and asks "What'd he say?"

The husband replies "He says you were speeding!"
The wife turns back to the officer and says "Oh, sorry officer."
The officer goes on; "License and registration please."
The wife again turns to her husband. "What'd he say!?"

The husband, growing irritated, says "He wants to see your LICENSE." The wife replies, "Oh, sorry officer. Here you go."
The officer inspects her license and comments, "Ah, you're from Brownsville. I'll never forget that city... I had the worst sexual experience of my entire life in Brownsville!"
The wife once more turns to her right and yells "What'd he say!!?"

The husband replies "He says he knows you."

When I was growing up my parents used to tell me that I can be anyone I wanted.

Now the police call that Identity theft.

I just ran into my barber on the street. He asked me how I liked the haircut he gave me last week.

I told him it's growing on me.

I think there's something wrong with the cactus I'm growing...

But I can't put my finger on it.

(it's a long story)A farmer sees a stranger walking down the road...

A farmer sees a stranger walking down the road. In a few minutes the man comes back and hails the farmer. He says "I see you have some Honeysuckle growing down the road. I was wondering if you had an old jar that I can collect the honey in?"

The farmer is confused and says "Well you can have a jar, but you won't get honey from a Honeysuckle."

The man replies "If you know how you can."

So the farmer gives him the jar. Soon he comes back to show the farmer and, sure enough, the jar is full of golden honey.

A few days later the stranger comes by again. He says "I see you have some Milkweed growing along the road. Would you have a bucket I can collect some milk in."

The farmer laughs and says "That was a good trick with the honey, but you can't get milk from a Milkweed."

The man replies "If you know how you can."

The farmer gives him the bucket and soon enough he comes back with the pail full of milk.

A week later the stranger comes by again.
He says to the farmer "I see you have some Pussywillows growing.."

The farmers interrupts with "Wait'll I get my hat!"

Did you hear about the woman who had 100 kids?

Well she sucked at naming children, so she decided to just number them in birth order. One, Two, Three, etc. Well, one day, her and all of her children were in a tragic plane accident and the only one who survived was 90. After years of grief and growing, 90 got married and had some kids of her own. One day, they found a stray dog and decided to keep it. But, just like her mom, she sucked at naming things. So they decided to call the dog, "That". After years, and years of a happy life, 90 and her husband became old and ill, eventually losing their memory. They didn't know who their children were or what their dogs name was. Only 90's kids will remember that.

I have a weird fungal infection on my foot...

I didn't like it at first, but it's growing on me.

The capital of Ireland is the world's fastest growing city..

It's Dublin every year.

Growing up, I was so bright

my mom called me Sun.

Growing up my father told me to "only trust a man as far as you can throw him."

That's why I trust babies so much.

Returning on Investment

After being away on buisness, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50. "That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.

"That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.

"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

The clerk handed him a mirror.

The Psychic

Fearing her marriage is crumbling, a middle-aged woman visits a highly respected psychic renown for the accuracy of her predictions.

In a dark and hazy room, she tells the psychic of her fears and growing unhappiness.

The mystic peers into her crystal ball, then looks at the woman and delivers the grave news: "There's no easy way to say this... Your husband is planning to move all of the money in your joint account to an offshore bank, then file for divorce and marry his tennis instructor." She sighs heavily, peers again into the crystal ball, then gasps. "Wait!" she says. "You must prepare yourself. Before he can do these things, he will die a violent and horrible death."

Visibly shaken, the woman stares at the psychic's lined face, then at the crystal ball, then down at her hands. She takes a few deep breaths to compose herself.

She simply has to know.

She meets the fortune teller's gaze, steadies her voice, and asks: "Will I be acquitted?"

2 Jamaicans are lost in the desert..

After wandering aimlessly for hours, one of the two spots an oasis in the distance. As they draw nearer, the other man spots an odd tree growing at the oasis, a tree with bacon for leaves. He turns to his friend and says "Look man, it's a bacon tree!!". His friend replies " No way man you're hallucinating, that's just a palm tree". The first man leaves his friend and races to the bacon tree as fast as his legs can carry him. But once he reaches the tree, a group of thugs spring out and set upon the lone Jamaican. In the midst of the brawl, the Jamaican shouts to his friend "You were right man, that's no bacon tree: it's a Ham Bush!"

I got a haircut recently

I didn't like it at first, but now it's growing on me.

Children with gay fathers as parents, I seriously sympathize you all

It's not easy growing up with twice the dad jokes.

A woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get them to turn red...

She asked her friend, who was a keen gardener, what she should do.

The man thought and shyly replied, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my garden in a trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman was dubious, but decided to try doing the same thing to her tomatoes to see if it would work.

So twice a day, for two weeks, she flashed her garden in the morning and at night.

A few weeks later she bumped into her friend who asked if his advice had worked.

"No, not really" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

I was really poor growing up.

If I hadn't been born a boy I'd have had nothing to play with.

Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front.

The journalist asked one of men if this was a sign of growing equality.
"No" the man replied. "Landmines."

My Indian engineering teacher told us this today

Growing up in America, you've probably heard your parents say, "Eat your food, there are starving children in India." But I tell my children, "Do your math homework or an Indian child will eat your food."

I'm writing a book about my time growing up as a shy young boy with irritable bowel syndrome...

... i've decided to call it 'Diarrhoea Of A Wimpy Kid'

I'm unsure whether I like my beard.

But it's growing on me.

What are your career goals?

Me: I'd like a job in agriculture.

Why?

Me: It's a growing field.

I was homeschooled growing up but I don't like to tell people that.

What I do like to tell people is that I had a teacher in high school that used to let me put her nipples in my mouth.

My friend visited me months after I moved and said sweet beard . I said...

Thanks, it's growing on me .

Pest Control

There is a church that is infested with rats. No amount of traps or exterminators have any effect on the still growing population. One day the local pastor thinks up a plan. The next day, all the rats are gone. The people are floored and asked what he did. He replies by saying that he baptized them and they will only be back on Christmas and Easter.

Growing up, it always my childhood dream to study populations...

...then I came to my census

Growing up my mom was always like, "Why can't you be more like the kids next door!"

And I always responded, "But we live next to an abortion clinic?!"

My brother and I own adjacent farms

The other day he rode over to complain that I was growing marijuana on his side of the fence.

I told him to get off his high horse.

Did you guys hear that Ireland has the fastest growing economy in the world?

Yeah, their capital is always Dublin

An increasing number of farmers are losing their crops due to drought

It's a growing problem.

My wife said, "it looks uncomfortable growing all that facial hair under your nose..."

must ache

Growing old

First you forget names;
Then you forget faces;
Then you forget to zip up your fly;
And then you forget to unzip your fly.

Books Never Written

Hey guys, don't know if you're familiar with these kind of jokes, but they were my favorite growing up, so I thought I'd post a bunch of the here. They're pretty corny, but I hope you enjoy!

*Take A Breather* by Justin Hale

*How to Become Famous* by Anonymous

*Living Long* by Diane Perish

*How to Get Rich* by Robin A. Bank

*I'm So Greedy* by Jenna Russ

*How to Drive a Manual Transmission* by Otto Matic

*How to be a Great Pilot* by Mae Day

*Where to Find Wildebeests* By Sara N. Getti

*Raising Kids* by Bill E. Goat

*Warriors of Feudal Japan* by Sam A. Rye

*Woodwind Instruments* by Clara Net

*Tragedy at the Grand Canyon* by Eileen Dover

*The Human Brain* by Sir E. Brum and Sara Bellum

*Deep in Debt* by Owen A. Lott

*The World is a Big Place* by Mike Robe

*Confessions of a Mental Patient* by Justin Sane

My friend and I are in a beard growing contest

Right now it's neck and neck.

Contempt Of Court

Having had to take the day off work to appear in court for a minor traffic summons, the man was growing increasingly restless as he waited hour after hour for his case to be heard.

Finally, late in the afternoon, his case was called. He stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned until the next day and he would have to return.

"What!" What for?" he yelled at the judge.

His Honor, equally irritated by a tedious day and the sharp query, roared, "That will be twenty dollars for contempt of court! That's what for!"

Noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge added, "That's all right. You don't have to pay right now."

The man replied, "Oh, I'm just looking to see if I have enough for two more words!"

Hey... Nice beard

Thanks, it's growing on me

Sorry.

My car broke down the other day and I tried to remember everything my dad taught me growing up

all I knew was point the flashlight there .

A queen asked a beardless knight...

A queen asked a beardless knight, "tell me true: have you fathered any children?" "In truth, my Queen, I have not." "I believe it," she replied, "for it's known to all that one can look at the hay to see if the pitchfork's any good."

"Tell me true," asked the knight, "have you any hair between your legs?" "In truth, young knight, I have not." "I believe it," he replied, "for it's known to all that when too many walk a road, the grass stops growing."

I think my neighbour is growing tomatoes in his car...

He's been sat in there with a hose through the window for hours!

It's just a monkey.

When an adolescent girl starts growing pubes, she asks her mother about what's going on with her. The mother replies "it's just a monkey who is starting to grow hair". Later at the dinner table, she tells her older sister that her monkey had started growing hair. The sister replies "Mine even started eating bananas!".

Pickup line: Hey girl, did I take a loan from you?

Because my interest in you keeps growing.

At first I wasn't sure if I liked the mustache

But it's growing on me.

Growing up in the film industry, Harvey Weinstein was a huge influence for me.

He really touched me.

I was gonna cut my hair, but I kind of like it,

It's growing on me.

What are the funniest growing jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Growing? Well, here are the best Growing puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Growing pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes