Grow Up Jokes
126 grow up jokes and hilarious grow up puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about grow up that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Grow Up Short Jokes
Short grow up jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The grow up humour may include short grow old jokes also.
- When I was growing up # was pound, not hashtag Good thing it changed, since "pound metoo" would've been sending the wrong message
- When she was growing up, everybody laughed when Amy Schumer said she wanted to be a comedian... Nobody's laughing now.
- Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up! Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen.
- I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.
- When my girlfriend told me she was pregnant I started crying. I know how it feels to grow up without a father!
- My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up. Guess who's not allowed in my tree house anymore.
- When I was a little boy, my dad taught me that any little boy or girl, even me, could grow up and become President someday... I'm starting to believe him.
- Growing up, my dad said we should treat him like a god... ...so we pretty much ignored him until we were sick, hurt, or broke.
- Why does Ireland have the fastest growing economy in the world? Because its capital is Dublin all the time!
- Whats the difference between a feminist and a baby? At some point in its life, the baby will stop crying and grow up
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Grow Up One Liners
Which grow up one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with grow up? I can suggest the ones about grown up and getting older.
- How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
- Which country has the fastest growing capitol? Ireland. It's Dublin every year.
- "Dad I want to be a feminist when I grow up" "Well, pick one honey, you can't do both"
- How much space is needed for fungi to grow? As mushroom as possible.
- I told my neighbor I was too scared to grow an apple tree. He said grow a pear.
- Crocodiles can grow up to 20 feet but most have just four.
- Apple farmers who are too scared to diversify should just grow a pear.
- What kind of tree does a chicken grow on? A poultry.
(came up with that in the shower) - Alligators can grow up to 20 feet But most of them only grow four
- I'm not racist my best friend growing up was black Until my dad sold him
- Why arent There Many jewish gardeners? Because money doesnt grow on trees
- Some Giraffes can grow up to 18 feet But most only have 4
- What do you call a tree that grows meat? Dmitry!
- What type of flower grows in the surface of the sun? An Ultra-Violet
- My doctor told me I have a tumor At first I was upset, but it's starting to grow on me
Cheerful Fun Grow Up Jokes for Lovely Laughter
What funny jokes about grow up you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean grow jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make grow up pranks.
Vladimir Putin visits a school...
He asks a boy: "Who is your true mother?". "Mother Russia of course!", says the boy. Putin then asks a girl: "who is your true father?". "You, great president!", replies the girl. Putin then asks the quiet kid sitting at the back: "You there, what do you want to be when you grow up?". The quiet kid thinks for a moment and says: "An orphan!".
Little Boy: Daddy I want to be like president Trump when i grow up!
Dad: "Well pick one son, you can't do both"
Child: Dad I want to be a plumber when I grow up
Dad: That's a very low goal. Have some ambition
Child: How about being a doctor?
Dad: That's right!
Child: Or a teacher, a prison guard, a gym trainer....
Dad: HAVE YOU BEEN USING MY COMPUTER?
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician."
She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When your Dad is a math teacher you grow up with jokes like this...
Q: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius s**...?
A: To get to the same side!
What "being a man" is about
A little boy asks his father: "Dad, what does it mean to be a man". The father replies: "well son, being a man means that you're the person in control of the situation, you're the one who takes all the important decisions".
"Well" - the kid answers - "then I hope to be a great man when I grow up, just like mom is".
Where's the best place for a horse to grow up?
In a stable environment.
Sorry I'm high and it just came to me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A teacher asks her class "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best b**... with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".
The teacher, shocked and not knowing how to respond to this, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks.
Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's b**...."
Having dinner last night, my six-year-old turned to me and said, 'Dad, when I grow up, I'm gonna marry you.'
We laughed about it. Then my wife said, 'Don't make the same mistake I did.'
Me: I want to be a mirror cleaner when I grow up
Mum: why's that?
Me: It's something I can see myself doing
Mum: ...
People always make fun of my dad because his name is Chip and he is a Dorito farmer
You might think that is cheesy but actually we got to grow up on a really cool ranch
I took my kids to the aquarium.
"If you get really close to the glass maybe the whale will talk to you!" I suggested to my son.
"Grow up," said the woman behind the ticket booth.
fasting isn't expected of Muslims until they reach puberty. This means that absolutely all Muslim children...
...grow up to fast
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Trump visits an elementary school
Trump visits an elementary school to greet the students and teachers. He asks the students, what do you all want to be when you grow up?
A farmer, shouts one.
An astronaut, shouts another.
The President of the United States, confidently says a little girl.
Who said that, shouts Trump. The little girl raises her hand and he darts eyes at her. He begins to fume, are you joking? Are you brainless? Are you a complete m**...? Are you s**...? Are you an idiot?
The little girl, taken aback, says, on second thought, nevermind! That sounds like too many requirements!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A boy asks his mom, When I grow up will I have two p**... like daddy?
Mom: Daddy doesn't have two p**... son
Son: Sure he does! He has the little one he uses to pee and the big one he uses to brush the babysitter's teeth!
My wife told me to grow up and stop believing everything I see on the internet
But I don't need this. There are local singles in my area literally dying to meet me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At catholic school...
A nun teaching catholic school asks the children what they want to be when they grow up.
Mary says, "I want to be a p**...!"
Shocked, the nun says, "What did you just say?"
Mary says, "I said I want to be a p**...!"
The nun replied, "Oh thank heavens. I thought you said you wanted to be a protestant."
My 6 year old daughter told me this morning that she wanted to grow up and be a feminist..
I told her she could only choose one.
I just read that alligators can grow up to 15 feet
But I haven't seen any with more than 4
After Generation Z, the next generation should be called generation AA
It would fit even better because they will be the generation to grow up with batteries inside everything.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The teacher was asking her students what they wanted to be when they grow up.
When it came to Johnny he said, I want to be a billionaire and go to expensive clubs. I'll get me a b**..., and buy her a million-dollar apartment in Vegas, a Ferrari, a beach house in Miami, a jet to fly with, expensive jewelry and have s**... with her 3 times a day.
The teacher was lost for words and didn't know what to do, so she just proceeded along and asked Marie what she wanted to be.
Marie replied: "I'd like to be Johnny's b**...!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Billy was sleeping in his room
Billy was sleeping in his room when suddenly a flash of light appeared. A man was then standing in Billy's room. Billy was amazed.
Billy asked ''Who are you?''
The man responded with "I'm you from the future"
Billy was amazed to be able to meet his future self.
He asked his older self "What will I be when I grow up?"
The older Billy locked the door and said "A p**..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Johny the Fighter Pilot
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you
grow up?"
Little Johnny says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest p**..., give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while bang her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson. "And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Johnny's p**...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest h**..., give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while b**... her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson . .. . ..
And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Kevin¹s h**...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Triplets
There are triplets in a mothers w**..., talking about what they want to do when they grow up.
The first triplet says "When I grow up, I will be an electrician, because it's too dark in here."
The second triplet says "When I grow up, I will be a plumber, because it's too wet in here."
The third triplet says, "When I grow up I want to be a boxer, so that I can beat up that bald guy who comes in here and spits on us all the time!"
My 10-month old
My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, Straighten her up.
I looked at my daughter and said, What are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It's time to grow up.
My wife hasn't asked me to do anything since.
Charlie the Street Car Conductor
Long joke that is passed down in my family
So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the friendliest street conductor that the city has ever seen. Not only did he never complain about his job, but also he greeted everyone who boarded his street car and treated them like family. Everything in his life was perfect for Charlie until one day he decided to operate the street car after having a few drinks. In his drunken state, he crashed the streetcar and killed all the passengers. After going to court Charlie was sentences to death by the eletric chair. When the day came for his execution, a gaurd visited Charlie's cell and asked him what he wanted for his final meal. Charlie replied, "I want a rotten tomato and a raw fish." After Charlie finished his meal he headed into the execution room and sat down in the eletric chair. The warden gave the order to pull the switch and the room went dark as thousands of volts passed through Charlies body. After the switch was thrown back it came as a suprise that Charlie was in fact still alive. Having no idea what else to do the warden let Charlie out of jail but banned him from ever operating a streetcar in New Orleans. Since street cars were his life Charlie decided "Hey I'll go to Japan, I hear they have fancy new street cars there." In Japan Charlie gets a job as a conductor again, but as before decides that after having a few drinks that he is still able to work the street car. To no suprise Charlie crashes the stree car and kills all the passengers. Charlie again finds himself in jail ordering his last meal. "A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. After the meal was eaten, Charlie was led to the chair and once again survives the eletricity. Because he wasn't dying, he was set free but banned from operating the street cars in Japan. Charlie thought to himself, "Well I heard San Francisco still has street cars operating so I'll go there." As you can guess Charlie ends up in the same situation and again orders the same meal " A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. The warden from San Francisco had heard of Charlie and his previous death sentences so before he brought Charlie in to be executed he sent a letter to the mayor asking to reroute the city's eletricity to the jail. The mayor approved and confident with his new found power the warden smiled and gave the order to pull the switch. The lights in the room burst from the overload and the smell of something burning overwelmed the air. The warden after a minute ordered the gaurd to shut off the chair and as the smoke cleared, there was Charlie same as always. Distraught with emotion, the warden told Charlie to get out of his sights. Charlie, tired of going to jail, finally decided that maybe he shouldn't be a street car conductor after all. So Charlie travels back to New Orleans and meets his friend Thibodaux at a bar. Thibodaux after a few minutes of small talk tells Charlie "Everyone has heard about the eletric chair incidents and I just gotta axe, how were you able to survive all them jolts of electricity through your body? Was there something you did that made you resistant to it?" Charlie looks at Thibodaux and says "I dunno, I guess I was just a bad conductor."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you want to be when you grow up?
Sculpter, artist or window cleaner
But which of the three do you want to be the most?
I don't care as long as i get to see n**... women
Crocodiles; these prehistoric beasts can grow up to 20 feet!
Although most just grow 4.
The last twenty five years have been a bizarre time to grow up.
For instance, i've lived through more 'Spiderman' re-boots than legitimate presidential elections.
I think Taco Tuesday sets a bad example for children.
They need to grow up knowing that they can eat tacos every day of the week.
It's not a good idea to have a horse as a pet if you live in a city.
They need to grow up ..in a stable environment.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Miss Spencer asked her class what they want to be when they grow up
And little Tommy enthusiastically responded: "I want to be a j**...!"
In shock Miss Spencer asked: "Dear heavens, why would you want to be that?"
"Well," responded Tommy "Whenever I'm walking in the city with my dad he always says 'Look at that j**... driving his Porsche', 'Look at that j**... with his hot wife' or 'Look at that j**... living in his giant mansion'
After watching the Olympics, a little boy says to his mom, "When I grow up, I want to be like Ryan Lochte!"
She says, "Honey, you can't have it both ways."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If you're scared of Paedophiles....
....then grow up
My wife said I needed to grow up
I was speechless
It's hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Where did the poor Italian man grow up?
The spaghetto
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The older woman.....
A guy walks into a bar and orders a round of beer for everyone. "My wife just gave birth to my son this morning!" he tells the bartender. "That's great!" the bartender agrees. "I know just how excited you are! My wife just gave birth to my daughter yesterday. Who knows? Maybe someday they'll grow up and marry each other." "Yeah, right," the guy says. "Like my son is going to marry someone twice his age."
5yr old: Daddy I'm mad at you!
Me : Why?
5: You know why!
Wife: [wipes tear] They grow up so fast.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman and her 10 year old son are driving in a taxi at night in Detroit…
It's raining hard and and all the prostitutes are huddled under an awning. The young boy asks his mom, what are those ladies doing? The mom responds, they're all waiting for their husbands to get off work.
The taxi driver is annoyed and responds, Lady, just tell your son the truth! They are prostitutes and they have s**... with random men for money! The boy asks, mom, is this true? She responds, yes son, it's true.
The boy then asks, what happens to their babies? Mom responds, they grow up to be taxi drivers!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A teacher in the Soviet union yells at her student - who's your father?
**Stalin** says the child.
Who's your mother?
**Mother Russia**
What do you want to be when you grow up?
**An orphan!**
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A boy and a girl are playing n**... in the sand, when the boy starts laughing at the girl that she does not have a p**.... The girl just grins and says...
When I grow up, I will have as many peepees as I like.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
A teacher is asking her students, what they want to be when they grow up.
Teacher: "How about you, Johnny... what do you want to be when you grow up"?
Johnny: "I wanna be the CEO of a multi-billion tech company... just like my father".
Teacher: "Woww.. that's wonderful. I didn't know your father was the CEO of a tech company".
Johnny: "He's not. But he also wants to be one".
What's the difference between the people who complain about the jokes here and a puppy?
Eventually, the puppy will grow up and not whine as much.
MOM: "No more TV until you finish your math homework!"
KID: "Aww, Mom! When am I ever gonna use math in real life? I'm gonna grow up to be a super rich rock star...I'll pay people to do math \*for\* me."
MOM: "Well, why didn't you say so? That's a wonderful goal! And I know exactly how to help you pursue it."
THE NEXT DAY
MOM: "No more TV until you finish your guitar practice!"
KID: "Aww, Mom!"
I want to be a counterfeiter when I grow up!
I hear they make good money
Mrs. Patel was reading little Rajinder a bedtime story. He asked, "what will I be when I grow up?" She replied, "you can be anything you want to be."
"Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, you can be anything you want to be. You can be a cardiologist, radiologist, anesthesiologist, neurologist...."
A Dad was talking with his son...
So the dad asked "Jimmy, what do you want to be when you grow up?" and the son said "I want to be just like you, daddy!". The dad was proud and asked him why was that. "Because I want to have a son just like me!"
I don't wanna grow up, I wanna be a Toys 'R' Us kid...
Bankrupt and empty inside.
Millennials being the first generation to grow up online should have been called Gen-E
But Forrest Gump ruined it for us
A man was standing in front of his bathroom mirror shaving
His young son came in the room and said: "Dad, when I grow up I want to be just like you!"
The man puffed up his chest proudly and asked: "Why's that son?"
His son replied: "So I can have a son just like me"
Kids Marry The Darnedest Things
A young son declared, When
I grow up, I'm going to marry you, Mommy.
You can't marry your own mother, said his older sister.
Then I'll marry you.
You can't marry me either.
He looked confused, so I explained, You can't marry someone in your own family.
You mean I have to marry a total stranger?! he cried.
Little kid ask His dad: daddy what is MACHO?
Dad:
its a person who is in charge, makes desicions, gives orders and everyone around obeys those orders.
Kid:
When I grow up I want to be a real macho just like Mom.
I'm married to Wonder Woman.
She wonders when I'll grow up.
She wonders when I'll take the garbage out.
She wonders when I'll finally get a promotion.
She wonders why she ever married me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The person who took my sneakers while I was on the jumpy castle at McDonald's
Please grow up.
What did the anti-vax kid wanna grow up to be?
Alive
I want to be just like my father when I grow up
Dead.
Why did the chicken grow up religious?
It was pastor raised
Little Johnny
One day, Little Johnny went to his dad and said to him, "Dad, when I grow up, I want to marry Grandma."
His dad replied, "Johnny, you can't marry my mother!"
Johnny said to him "But you married my mother. How is this any different?"
A boy said to his father one day,
"Dad, when I grow up I want to be a musician."
His father responded, "I'm sorry, son, you can't have it both ways."
Most people want to be bankers when they grow up
But at this rate they are gonna lose interest
A child point his finger at a toy plane attached to the ceiling
And he says to his mum mum I really want to be like that airplane when I grow up!
His mother: why? Because it flies really high?
Him: no, because it's hanging from the ceiling
What's the difference between a Karen and a puppy?
Eventually, the puppy will grow up and not whine as much.
When Kathy Griffin was 10 years old, she stood up at the dinner table and announced to her family that she was going to grow up and become a stand-up comedian. They all laughed in her face.
No one is laughing now.
If humans can grow up to 8 feet...
Why do I only ever see them with 2?
As you grow up, you will start to see that people morality is not necessarily connected to their relation with the law.
While the outlaws are bad, the in-laws can be much worse.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When I grow up I want to be a hitman
I hear they make a killing
Attention everyone, you must now grow up.
No one can be a Toys R' Us kid anymore.
Susie, you got half the problems wrong.
That's okay, Dad. I want to be a meteorologist when I grow up
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
h**... asks a jewish kid...
h**... wants to hear the dreams of jewish kids. So, he visits Auschwitz and finds one kid sitting in a corner, freezing to death.
"Hallo kinder, what is your dream?"
"Herr h**..., when I grow-"
"IF..IF you grow up."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Thats my Boy
Teacher asked his students to make rhymes with their names
Bran :
my name is brand
When I grow up to be a man
I want to go to Russia and Japan
If I can , if I can, if I can
Jady :
My name is Jady
When I grow up to be a lady
I want to have a baby
If I can, if I can , if I can
Dan :
My name is dan
When I grow up to be a man
To h**... with Russia and Japan
I am going to help Jady with her plan
I know I can , I know I can
And remember, my dad said, when you grow up, you can be anything!
It was a tough choice, but I decided on being Thing Two.
Oh Bobby..what did you grow up to be!?
Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"
Bobby: I is...
Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".
Bobby: I am the 9th letter of the alphabet.
