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Grow Jokes

146 grow jokes and hilarious grow puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about grow that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Discover the perfect jokes to let everyone know you have a "grown" sense of humor! From knee grows to fondlers and everything in between, laugh your way to growing older with a smile. Cultivate your joke crop and rise to the occasion with these hilarious jokes!

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Funniest Grow Short Jokes

Short grow jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The grow humour may include short plant jokes also.

  1. When I was growing up # was pound, not hashtag Good thing it changed, since "pound metoo" would've been sending the wrong message
  2. When she was growing up, everybody laughed when Amy Schumer said she wanted to be a comedian... Nobody's laughing now.
  3. Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up! Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen.
  4. I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.
  5. When my girlfriend told me she was pregnant I started crying. I know how it feels to grow up without a father!
  6. My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up. Guess who's not allowed in my tree house anymore.
  7. When I was a little boy, my dad taught me that any little boy or girl, even me, could grow up and become President someday... I'm starting to believe him.
  8. Growing up, my dad said we should treat him like a god... ...so we pretty much ignored him until we were sick, hurt, or broke.
  9. Why does Ireland have the fastest growing economy in the world? Because its capital is Dublin all the time!
  10. Whats the difference between a feminist and a baby? At some point in its life, the baby will stop crying and grow up

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Grow One Liners

Which grow one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with grow? I can suggest the ones about produce and expand.

  1. How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
  2. Which country has the fastest growing capitol? Ireland. It's Dublin every year.
  3. "Dad I want to be a feminist when I grow up" "Well, pick one honey, you can't do both"
  4. How much space is needed for fungi to grow? As mushroom as possible.
  5. I told my neighbor I was too scared to grow an apple tree. He said grow a pear.
  6. Crocodiles can grow up to 20 feet but most have just four.
  7. Apple farmers who are too scared to diversify should just grow a pear.
  8. What kind of tree does a chicken grow on? A poultry.
    (came up with that in the shower)
  9. Alligators can grow up to 20 feet But most of them only grow four
  10. I'm not racist my best friend growing up was black Until my dad sold him
  11. Why arent There Many jewish gardeners? Because money doesnt grow on trees
  12. Some Giraffes can grow up to 18 feet But most only have 4
  13. What do you call a tree that grows meat? Dmitry!
  14. What type of flower grows in the surface of the sun? An Ultra-Violet
  15. My doctor told me I have a tumor At first I was upset, but it's starting to grow on me

Grow Up Jokes

Here is a list of funny grow up jokes and even better grow up puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Little Boy: Daddy I want to be like president Trump when i grow up! Dad: "Well pick one son, you can't do both"
  • What country's Capital has the fastest growing population in the world? Ireland. Everyday it's Dublin.
  • A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
  • Where's the best place for a horse to grow up? In a stable environment.
    Sorry I'm high and it just came to me.
  • Having dinner last night, my six-year-old turned to me and said, 'Dad, when I grow up, I'm gonna marry you.' We laughed about it. Then my wife said, 'Don't make the same mistake I did.'
  • Me: I want to be a mirror cleaner when I grow up Mum: why's that?
    Me: It's something I can see myself doing
    Mum: ...
  • I was so poor growing up, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper… Now those days are behind me…
  • I walked into my boss's office and handed him a pear... "What's this for? he asked.
    I replied, "A raise. My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you."
  • People always make fun of my dad because his name is Chip and he is a Dorito farmer You might think that is cheesy but actually we got to grow up on a really cool ranch
  • So my girlfriend is getting a bit older and her teeth are starting to fall out. It's okay, though. They'll grow back.

Grow Old Jokes

Here is a list of funny grow old jokes and even better grow old puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My 6 year old daughter told me this morning that she wanted to grow up and be a feminist.. I told her she could only choose one.
  • I heard married women sometimes grow an appendage out of their back side as they age. Maybe it's just an old wives tail.
  • Human-beings get rich as they grow old: Silver in Hair;
    Gold in Teeth;
    Sugar in Blood;
    Precious Stones in Kidney;
    And a never ending supply of Gas!
  • What do you call an animal rights' activist that never grows old? PETA Pan
  • 5yr old: Daddy I'm mad at you! Me : Why?
    5: You know why!
    Wife: [wipes tear] They grow up so fast.
  • Growing old First you forget names;
    Then you forget faces;
    Then you forget to zip up your fly;
    And then you forget to unzip your fly.
  • Growing up, I always wanted to be someone. Now that I'm old, I've realised I should have been more specific.
  • We were so poor when I was growing up..... That my dad bought me an air guitar for Christmas.
    My friend was even less well off. He asked if he could have my old one!!!
  • Why do adults like Legos so much, when they grow old? They can't lego of their childhood.
    Tell some more Lego puns, here!
  • From my 10 year old - " What grows on money trees? "Cash - ooh"'s

Knee Grow Jokes

Here is a list of funny knee grow jokes and even better knee grow puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What do you call a guy with a toe growing out of his knee? Tony.
  • Today I Learned we are all born without kneecaps. I guess that makes us all knee grows!
  • Why are basketball players so tall? Because their knee grows
  • What did the black guy want after the cops broke his leg Knee Grow
  • Why are most professonal atheletes african ? Their knee grows a lot
  • Where do you go to fix a broken knee? To Africa. Where the Knee Grows.
  • What do you call an african with long legs? Knee grow
  • I recently hurt my knee and I decided to get surgery in Africa Where the knee grows

Grass Grow Jokes

Here is a list of funny grass grow jokes and even better grass grow puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow? A Prograsstinator
  • Once, when my grandma stepped out of the bathtub... and my sister commented that the hair on her ''privates'' was getting rather sparse, Granny retorted that "grass don't grow on a racetrack".
  • My Chia Pet was so boring... ...It was so boring, I'd rather go watch the grass grow
  • What car is it best to grow grass on? K-K-K-Kia
  • I just lost a grass growing competition. The grass was Greener in the other side
  • What do the small grass-like substance that grows on the side of rocks and small winged insects similar to butterflies have in common? The way Mike Tyson pronounces them.
  • How tall does the grass grow in Germany? Nein feet tall.
  • Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn, he dares his grass to grow.
Grow joke

Cheeky Grow Jokes that Will Make You and Your Friends Chuckle

What funny jokes about grow you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean gain jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make grow pranks.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Triplets

There are triplets in a mothers w**..., talking about what they want to do when they grow up.
The first triplet says "When I grow up, I will be an electrician, because it's too dark in here."
The second triplet says "When I grow up, I will be a plumber, because it's too wet in here."
The third triplet says, "When I grow up I want to be a boxer, so that I can beat up that bald guy who comes in here and spits on us all the time!"

A farmer just burst into tears because nobody likes eating his apples anymore...

I told him to grow a pear.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

A little girl went with her father to the barber to get his hair cut....

...and her father gave her a snack cake to keep her quiet.
As she she frolicked around the barber shop with it, the barber warned, "Little girl, you are going the get hair on your t**...!"
She replied, "I know! I'm gonna grow boobies too!"

What "being a man" is about

A little boy asks his father: "Dad, what does it mean to be a man". The father replies: "well son, being a man means that you're the person in control of the situation, you're the one who takes all the important decisions".
"Well" - the kid answers - "then I hope to be a great man when I grow up, just like mom is".

Charlie the Street Car Conductor

Long joke that is passed down in my family
So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the friendliest street conductor that the city has ever seen. Not only did he never complain about his job, but also he greeted everyone who boarded his street car and treated them like family. Everything in his life was perfect for Charlie until one day he decided to operate the street car after having a few drinks. In his drunken state, he crashed the streetcar and killed all the passengers. After going to court Charlie was sentences to death by the eletric chair. When the day came for his execution, a gaurd visited Charlie's cell and asked him what he wanted for his final meal. Charlie replied, "I want a rotten tomato and a raw fish." After Charlie finished his meal he headed into the execution room and sat down in the eletric chair. The warden gave the order to pull the switch and the room went dark as thousands of volts passed through Charlies body. After the switch was thrown back it came as a suprise that Charlie was in fact still alive. Having no idea what else to do the warden let Charlie out of jail but banned him from ever operating a streetcar in New Orleans. Since street cars were his life Charlie decided "Hey I'll go to Japan, I hear they have fancy new street cars there." In Japan Charlie gets a job as a conductor again, but as before decides that after having a few drinks that he is still able to work the street car. To no suprise Charlie crashes the stree car and kills all the passengers. Charlie again finds himself in jail ordering his last meal. "A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. After the meal was eaten, Charlie was led to the chair and once again survives the eletricity. Because he wasn't dying, he was set free but banned from operating the street cars in Japan. Charlie thought to himself, "Well I heard San Francisco still has street cars operating so I'll go there." As you can guess Charlie ends up in the same situation and again orders the same meal " A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. The warden from San Francisco had heard of Charlie and his previous death sentences so before he brought Charlie in to be executed he sent a letter to the mayor asking to reroute the city's eletricity to the jail. The mayor approved and confident with his new found power the warden smiled and gave the order to pull the switch. The lights in the room burst from the overload and the smell of something burning overwelmed the air. The warden after a minute ordered the gaurd to shut off the chair and as the smoke cleared, there was Charlie same as always. Distraught with emotion, the warden told Charlie to get out of his sights. Charlie, tired of going to jail, finally decided that maybe he shouldn't be a street car conductor after all. So Charlie travels back to New Orleans and meets his friend Thibodaux at a bar. Thibodaux after a few minutes of small talk tells Charlie "Everyone has heard about the eletric chair incidents and I just gotta axe, how were you able to survive all them jolts of electricity through your body? Was there something you did that made you resistant to it?" Charlie looks at Thibodaux and says "I dunno, I guess I was just a bad conductor."

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

At catholic school...

A nun teaching catholic school asks the children what they want to be when they grow up.
Mary says, "I want to be a p**...!"
Shocked, the nun says, "What did you just say?"
Mary says, "I said I want to be a p**...!"
The nun replied, "Oh thank heavens. I thought you said you wanted to be a protestant."

My Girlfriend's Hair

My girlfriend came home last night, crying, inconsolable. She had just gone to the hair salon and they cut her hair WAY too short, like, four inches too short. I said baby, what are you worried about? It'll grow back eventually. I'm the one who has to find a new girlfriend.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"


Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest h**..., give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while b**... her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson . .. . ..

And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Kevin¹s h**...."

I've grown an interest with Mussolini's Italy.

I guess you can call it a fascistnation.

Nobody claims to like cancer when they're first diagonosed

But after a while, it tends to grow on you.

Growing up my mom told me...

I could be anybody I wanted to. Turns out this is called identity theft.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Fascinate

Teacher: Can anyone use the word "fascinate" in a sentence?
Billy: I was fascinated by the sunrise.
Teacher: Good, but "fascinated" is past tense. Can anyone else try?
Suzie: It was fascinating to see the flowers grow.
Teacher: Good, Suzie, but you added an "ing" at the end of the word and made it an adjective. I just want to hear the verb "fascinate".
Ernie: Yo mama got a blouse with 12 b**... on it...but she so fat, she can only fascinate!

Scared of eating genetically modified fruit?

Grow a pear.

A guy asks for a tattoo on his........

A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his private parts. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.
He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

When your Dad is a math teacher you grow up with jokes like this...

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius s**...?
A: To get to the same side!

I took my kids to the aquarium.

"If you get really close to the glass maybe the whale will talk to you!" I suggested to my son.
"Grow up," said the woman behind the ticket booth.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Johny the Fighter Pilot

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you
grow up?"
Little Johnny says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest p**..., give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while bang her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson. "And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Johnny's p**...."

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Billy was sleeping in his room

Billy was sleeping in his room when suddenly a flash of light appeared. A man was then standing in Billy's room. Billy was amazed.
Billy asked ''Who are you?''
The man responded with "I'm you from the future"
Billy was amazed to be able to meet his future self.
He asked his older self "What will I be when I grow up?"
The older Billy locked the door and said "A p**..."

A husband and wife grow distressed as more and more uninvited guests swarm into their party.

The husband has a plan.
He moves to the front, manages to get everyone's attention, and calls out, "If you're from the groom's side, please stand up."
About one fourth of the guests stands up.
He calls out, "Those from the bride's side, please stand up."
Another one fourth of the guests stands up.
He smiles and says, "If you are standing up, please leave. This is a birthday party."

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

A white man tells a black man

Why do people call you color man ?? To what the black man answers " I don't know
When I was born; I was black.
When I started to grow, I was black.
When I go to the beach I'm black.
When I have a cold I'm still black.
When I have panic I'm black.
When I'm sick I'm black.
even when I die I continued to be black.
Instead you my friend
When you're born you're pink.
When you start to grow you are white.
When you go to the beach you look red.
When you're cold you look blue.
When you have panic you look yellow.
When you're sick you look green.
When you die you turn gray ....
And they still dare to call me a color man

Crocodiles; these prehistoric beasts can grow up to 20 feet!

Although most just grow 4.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

What grows when you plant a pumpkin spice latte and water it with v**...?

A sorority.

The coal industry has been under a lot of pressure to change

In other news, the diamond industry continues to grow.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Corn

Give a white man an ear of corn, he eats for a day
Teach a white man to grow corn, he steals all your land

The last twenty five years have been a bizarre time to grow up.

For instance, i've lived through more 'Spiderman' re-boots than legitimate presidential elections.

I think Taco Tuesday sets a bad example for children.

They need to grow up knowing that they can eat tacos every day of the week.

My 10-month old

My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, Straighten her up.
I looked at my daughter and said, What are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It's time to grow up.
My wife hasn't asked me to do anything since.

Recently, a group of scientists discovered...

a subclass of ant has a genetic mutation that makes them grow larger than average, DESPITE missing a jointed segment on their legs. This same mutation also causes them to have an aversion to dairy-based foods, even with their high based sugar content.
TL;DR lack-toes-in-taller-ants

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Feed a man corn and he will eat for a day

Teach a man to grow corn, he will kill your people and steal your land

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Give a man some corn, he eats for a day.

Teach a man to grow corn, he kills you and steals your land!

My wife told me to grow up and stop believing everything I see on the internet

But I don't need this. There are local singles in my area literally dying to meet me.

Growing up, I was so bright

my mom called me Sun.

Growing up we were so poor

We had to play Dungeons OR Dragons.

Growing up my father told me to "only trust a man as far as you can throw him."

That's why I trust babies so much.

Child: Dad I want to be a plumber when I grow up

Dad: That's a very low goal. Have some ambition

Child: How about being a doctor?
Dad: That's right!
Child: Or a teacher, a prison guard, a gym trainer....

Dad: HAVE YOU BEEN USING MY COMPUTER?

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Sculpter, artist or window cleaner
But which of the three do you want to be the most?
I don't care as long as i get to see n**... women

My uncle always hated eating mushrooms...

...but now that he's dead, they're beginning to grow on him.

What tree does bacon grow on?

Porcupine

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

A boy asks his mom, When I grow up will I have two p**... like daddy?

Mom: Daddy doesn't have two p**... son
Son: Sure he does! He has the little one he uses to pee and the big one he uses to brush the babysitter's teeth!

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

All three of my uncles used to grow w**... together

It was a joint effort.

I just read that alligators can grow up to 15 feet

But I haven't seen any with more than 4

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

A woman sees her son shoving candy into his mouth.

"Stop it" she said, "You shouldn't eat so much candy at once."
"Why?" her son replied.
"Because, if you eat too much candy at once, your stomach will grow bigger, and bigger, and finally it will explode!"
The boy is frightened by the image of his stomach exploding, so he stops eating candy.

The next day, the boy and his mom go to church, and the boy sits down next to a very pregnant woman. The boy looks closely at her stomach, then up to her face, and finally he says to the pregnant woman, "I know what you've been doing."

After Generation Z, the next generation should be called generation AA

It would fit even better because they will be the generation to grow up with batteries inside everything.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

The teacher was asking her students what they wanted to be when they grow up.

When it came to Johnny he said, I want to be a billionaire and go to expensive clubs. I'll get me a b**..., and buy her a million-dollar apartment in Vegas, a Ferrari, a beach house in Miami, a jet to fly with, expensive jewelry and have s**... with her 3 times a day.
The teacher was lost for words and didn't know what to do, so she just proceeded along and asked Marie what she wanted to be.
Marie replied: "I'd like to be Johnny's b**...!!"

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Trump visits an elementary school

Trump visits an elementary school to greet the students and teachers. He asks the students, what do you all want to be when you grow up?
A farmer, shouts one.
An astronaut, shouts another.
The President of the United States, confidently says a little girl.
Who said that, shouts Trump. The little girl raises her hand and he darts eyes at her. He begins to fume, are you joking? Are you brainless? Are you a complete m**...? Are you s**...? Are you an idiot?
The little girl, taken aback, says, on second thought, nevermind! That sounds like too many requirements!

Told the Dr I just can't grow any taller

She says I will have to be a little patient.

Why does the army plant saplings every year?

To grow the infant-tree

It's not a good idea to have a horse as a pet if you live in a city.

They need to grow up ..in a stable environment.

I owe my success as a fruit farmer to my dear dad. Whenever I felt scared as a kid, he always told me to

grow a pear

When I was growing up, we were so poor...

We used to leave the front door open all night, hoping a thief would come in and drop something.

Growing up we were so poor...

Growing up we were so poor my brother and I had to share clothes.
And kids are so mean, at school they used to make fun of me ... especially when it wasn't my turn to wear the pants and underwear

Growing up we didn't have a lot of money. I had to use a hand-me-down calculator with no multiplication symbol on it.

Times were tough

When he was growing up, everybody laughed when Jimmy Fallon said he wanted to be a comedian...

Nobody's laughing now.

Grow joke, When he was growing up, everybody laughed when Jimmy Fallon said he wanted to be a comedian...

jokes about grow