Group Jokes

What do you call a group of unvaccinated children?

A Plagueround

Did you know that a group of crows is called a m**...?

Well, technically it's only a m**... if there's probable caws.

They say that 1 out of a group of 5 guys is gay....

I'm really hoping it's Jake, because he's *super cute*.

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking...

and then I saw her face...

One soldier

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"

Technology has ruined our kids

A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.
"Davy, what noise does a cow make? "
"It goes moo. "
"Alice, what noise does a cat make? "
"It goes meow. "
"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make? "
"It goes baaa. "
"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make? "
"Errr.., it goes.. click! "

Which four-member rock group doesn't sing or play music?

Mount Rushmore.

You know you're ugly when....

it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
(add your own)

When I die...

I want the people who I did group projects with to lower me into my grave so they can let me down one last time.

If you ever get in a knife fight with a group of clown

Go for the juggler

"Hi, I'm here for Paradox Club."

Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
"Ok, same difference."
*looks at group*
Oh, this guy is good.

Was walking by a mental hospital when...

I was walking down the street in front of a mental hospital when I heard a large group of people chanting 14, 14, 14, 14. My curiosity got the better of me so I peered through a small hole in the fence at which point a finger immediately poked me in the eye. After a short round of celebration I then heard the people start chanting 15, 15, 15, 15.

The difference between a rock band and a jazz group

The rock band will play 3 chords in front of 1000 people.
The jazz group will play 1000 chords in front of 3 people.

How did Isis move from 5th wanted t**... group to the most wanted t**... group?

They cut a head

The Artist

I just saw a group of people who were watching an artist sketch all of them in his book. The man was good too, he really knew how to draw a crowd.

What musical group is Jesus most afraid of?

Nine Inch Nails

I am starting a support group for guys dealing with a**... Asphyxiation.

Our motto is: "Hang in there, we can beat it."

One group of people still can't get married in the US

Ugly people

What do you call a group of chickens dressed up like crows?

A m**... most fowl.
(I'll see myself out...)

I asked a group of women if they found r**... jokes funny. They all said "no!"

But deep down I knew they really meant "yes."

A study conducted by a group of scientists shows that women that have more than 25% body fat live longer than the men who mention it to them

When I was a child, I was r**... by a group of mimes.

They performed unspeakable acts on me.

I was r**... by a group of mimes

They did unspeakable things to me

They say there's a person capable of m**... in every friendship group.

I suspected it was Dave, so i killed him before he could cause any harm.

Mathematicians in a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a pint, the second a half a pint, the third 1/4 pint, the fourth 1/8... the bartender gets impatient, gives the whole group 2 pints and says "you guys dont know your limits..."

what is a 4 person rock group that doesn't play music

mount rushmore

What's the most commonly misspelt blood group?

Type-O

What do you call a group of senior Japanese comedians?

Comic Sans

Two conspiracy theorists die and go to heaven.

They ask God who did 911. God replies, "It was perpetrated by members of the Islamic t**... group Al Qaeda."
One whispers to the other, "Dude, this goes way higher than I thought."

What's the difference between a mad engineer and a mad scientist?

The mad engineer builds an efficient, well-desined death ray and destroys the world in one blow.
The mad scientist builds his death ray and divides the world into three randomised groups: an experimental group to be killed, a control group to be spared and a group that is told they are dead to account for the placebo effect.

Earlier today I saw the Facebook group 'kids vs cancer'

Well, it turns out writing "my money is on cancer every time" is one way to get quite a bit of hate mail.

They say one friend out of every group has the potential to be a serial killer....

So I threw Dave off a cliff just in case it was him.

Who are the most h**...-e**... pop group at Hogwarts?

Wand e**....

An alcoholic is sitting at a bar

He orders two shots. He proceeds to pour out the first one all over the bar, downs the second one and then orders two more. He pours out the first one on the bar, downs the second one and orders two more.
The bartender asks him why he keeps pouring out the first shot all over the bar.
The alcoholic replies with "My AA group said all I need to do is avoid that first drink."

A rabbi and a priest...

take a group of kids on a spiritual trip to the Holy Land. During the flight, the pilot announces,
" The plane is going down, we only have two parachutes. I'm taking one. You guys figure out who gets the other one"
The priest says, " We should give it to one of the kids."
The rabbi grabs the c**... and says, " I have a life to live! F*c**... the kids! "
The priest thinks, and says,
"Do you think we have time?? "

What's the difference between a group of Pakastani School Girls and a group of ISIS soldiers..

Don't ask me I just fly the drone.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel.

They were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories when the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off.
''Because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''

I organised a day of sponsored bungee jumping for the local disabled group...

Perhaps calling it s**... on elastic' wasn't one of my greatest ideas...

A group of Jewish women are eating at a diner.

Their waitress walks by and asks "Is anything alright?"

The last time a group of New Englanders destroyed Atlanta this badly

Sherman marched to the sea

A group of teenagers robbed our local supermarket and stole 180 cans of red bull.

I don't know how these people can sleep at night.

What does Chris Brown call a group of his ex-girlfriends?

The punch line

A muslim man came into my shop and bought six smoke machines, so I phoned the police..

He's probably part of an extreme mist group

I went shopping with my wife today...

When I came across a group of women in short skirts.
I looked over to my wife and said "Ooh, I bet you wish you had legs like *those*"
She didn't say anything, but I could tell she was upset; I heard her sniffle as I wheeled her up the ramp into Waitrose.

My friends and I experimented with s**... in high school...

I was the control group

What do you call a group of crows who see food?

A tempted m**....
I'll see myself out now.

What do you get when you cross necrophilia with group s**...?

Popping open a cold one with the boys

An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first says, I'll have a beer. The second says, I'll have half a beer. The third says, I'll have a quarter of a beer. Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. Come on, now, he says to the group, You guys have got to learn your limits.

Which rock group has 4 men that can't sing?

Mount Rushmore

Is it okay to hate a certain race?

I usually run the 5K, but someone from my running group wants to do the 10K, which I don't want because a lot of caucasians participate in that one.

A child with an imaginary friend is normal

An adult with an imaginary friend is strange,
And a group of people with an imaginary friend is called religion.

What is the name of a rock group that has four members yet none of them sing?

Mount Rushmore

How do you spot a gay man in a group of n**... women?

It's not hard.

A group of deaf people get together to protest

The group begins chanting
What do we want?
Hearing aids!
When do we want them?
Hearing aids!

How to find out if you're old or not:

Fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you're young. If they panic, you're old.

Dolphin joke...made it up myself today. :)

An aquarium guide brought a group of visitors around to see the dolphins, which were split up into two tanks. In the first tank the dolphins were all having fun, playing around with a beach ball. In the second tank the dolphins were training, working hard on a new trick. One of the visitors asked the guide, "So is this tank for the more serious dolphins?" The guide said, "Yes, for all intensive porpoises."

Saw a group of 4 guys beating up an old guy earlier and decided to step in

He never stood a chance against 5 of us

I am disgusted by the youth of today....

Let me start by saying my girlfriend is 20 years younger than me. I am 39 and my girlfriend is 19, the amount of a**... I got from a group of teenagers inside the restaurant was nothing short of vile.....comments like PEADO NONCE KIDDY FIDDLER
It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary.

An old farmer was picking apples. After filling up a bucket and walking back to the farm, he saw a group of beautiful women swimming in his pond

As he got closer, he realized they were skinny dipping. When the group noticed the old farmer approaching them, one girl shouts to him "we are not coming out until you turn away". The farmer, thinking quick, holds up the bucket of apples and says "I'm just here to feed the gator anyway"

What does a group of Italians say when they start a diet?

Ciao belli

How many introverts does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Why does everything have to be a group activity?

I'm a tour guide at a museum, and when I told a group that the fossil they were looking at was 65 million years and 3 weeks old, they asked me where the 3 weeks came from.

I said well it was 65 millions years old when I was hired here, and that was 3 weeks ago.

What do you call a group of Soviet snipers?

Marxmen.

Little Johnny, a young American boy, is down at the shops when..

He sees a group of disgruntled looking Australian tourists holding maps and wandering around.
Being the inquisitive young lad that he is he decides to try and find out a bit about them. Although he cant understand a word they're saying he quickly learns that they're from an ancient Australian tribe called the Fakawi!
Excited by this discovery Johnny runs home to tell his mother about his find.
"Mum, mum!", Johnny shouts, "I met native members of the Fakawi tribe today!".
"How did you know who they were?" Mum asks.
"Well that was easy," says little Johnny, "everywhere they went they were telling people, "We're the fakawi!"".

COP: Where were you the night of the m**...?

CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer

My wife asked me whether I experimented with s**... and drugs when I was in high school.

I said, Yes, but I was part of the control group.

I was kidnapped by a group of mimes

They threatened to do unspeakable things !

What do you call a group of g**... waiting in a line?

An LGBTQueue.