Grounded Jokes

77 grounded jokes and hilarious grounded puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about grounded that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Grounded Short Jokes

Short grounded jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The grounded humour may include short wired jokes also.

  1. My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up." "Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."
  2. My son kept chewing on electrical chords, so I grounded him... He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
  3. What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Lean beef.
    What do you call a cow with no legs?
    Ground beef.
    What do you call a cow with two legs?
    Yo momma.
  4. My wife says we should split up because I keep pretending I'm a detective I said good idea, we can cover more ground that way
  5. America sure is having some bad luck It's almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
  6. America is going through such bad luck at the moment It's as if the whole country were built on haunted Indian burial grounds...
  7. I was almost upset that my coffee tasted like dirt today but then I remembered it was ground this morning.
  8. My 12 year old son tried coffee for the first time today "It tastes like dirt!"
    I told him it was just ground this morning.
  9. Elon Musk lands on mars and steps out of his spaceship ### "It's a small step for a man, but a giant leap for mankind," says the ground control officer and cuts off all communications.
  10. The US is having so many disasters and tragedies Youd almost think it was built on top of thousands of ancient indian burial grounds.

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Grounded One Liners

Which grounded one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with grounded? I can suggest the ones about stranded and landed.

  1. Why did Thor lose his lightning powers? Because his father grounded him.
  2. What sound does an airplane make when it bounces off the ground? Boeing.
  3. Yo momma's so fat, that when she fell no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up.
  4. What has 4 legs and 1 arm? A pitbull coming from the childrens play ground
  5. You can't run through a camp ground. You can only ran, because it's past tent.
  6. I don't know why people are afraid of flying Most crashes happen at ground level
  7. My 8 year-old kept chewing electrical wires… …so I had to ground him.
  8. Why is ground beef so popular? Because the flying cows are really hard to catch.
  9. Well... Well... Well... If it isn't 3 holes in the ground...
  10. Did you hear about the three holes in the ground? No?
    Well, well, well…
  11. My son kept chewing electrical cable. So i had to ground him.
  12. Have you heard about the three holes in the ground? Well, well, well.
  13. Well my parents are finally sick of all my electronics puns. Now I'm grounded.
  14. I know a guy who survived an 8000-foot fall out of a plane. Until he hit the ground.
  15. What noise does a plane make when it hits the ground? Boeing

Grounded joke, What noise does a plane make when it hits the ground?

Fun-Filled Grounded Jokes to Boost Your Mood

What funny jokes about grounded you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean downed jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make grounded pranks.

What did little Johnny's mother do when she caught him zapping the other children with static electricity?

She grounded him.

Joke in honor of mole day

Three moles are going through the ground looking for food.
The first mole pops up out of the ground and sniffs around.
He says "hey guys I think were getting close I smell some syrup".
The next mole pops up and says "ya we must be a smell some syrup too".
The last mole pops up and says "I don't know guys all I smell is some molasses"

Tribal Wisdom

So a cowboy is riding along a trail in the old west and sees an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. As he gets closer he hears the Indian saying to himself "Wagon...two gray horses...two passengers, man and driving" The cowboy goes "Wow! you can tell all that by just putting your ear to the ground?" The Indian replies "No. Wagon pass half hour ago, run me over."

My manly password

My wife and I were trying to set up a new password for our computer.
Trying to be clever, I put "Mypenis" and my wife fell to the ground laughing hysterically because on the screen it said:
**"Error. Not long enough."**

My wife wasn't happy.

True story: I was at the store with my son and my wife. I have a habit of flipping my wedding ring in the air like a coin and catching it. My son saw me do it and tried to grab it in mid air, causing it to fall to the ground. He scrambled to get it and I said, "Son, hand me that! It's expensive!"
My son asked me, "how much did it cost, dad?"
I replied, "my life."

What's the difference between a Pakistani middle school and an Al Qaeda training ground?

I dunno, I just fly the drone.

Does it hurt anymore?

A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs. Fell on the ground & rolled around in pain. She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor.
Reluctantly he agreed.
She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her hands inside.
She massaged him tenderly for a few minutes & asked: "How does it feel?"
He replied: "Feels great but I still think my thumb is broken"

My girlfriend said she was sick of me pretending to be a detective...

...and that "we should split up"
"Good idea", I said, "that way we can cover more ground"

A man spits out his coffee

"This tastes like mud!" he said.
"Well of course. It was just ground this morning" replied the waiter.

Understanding Engineers

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer
replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business,
when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground,
took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first
engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably
wouldn't have fit you anyway."

At 23:59 31.12.2015 I raised my left foot off the ground

Just to be sure I start 2016 on the right foot

My girlfriend told me she's sick of me pretending to be a detective.

Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. I think we should split up."
Me: "Good idea. We can cover more ground that way."

After being elected President, Bernie Sanders confronted...

...General Keith B. Alexander (the head of the NSA) and asked him on what grounds he wanted to continue observing the American people's cell phone/internet communications.
The General sighed and shook his head. "Some men just want to watch the world, Bern."

Why does a 6 oz hamburger have less energy than a 6 oz steak?

Because the hamburger is in the ground state.

A bar is burning to the ground, and a team of firefighters rush in to put it out.

A bar is burning to the ground and a team of firefighters rush in to put out the fire. When they get inside they see an Irishman passed out from smoke inhalation. They drag him out of the bar and eventually the Irishman comes to. The firefighter says "you were there, how did this whole thing get started?!" The Irishman responds "I don't know it was burning when I walked in"

My 7 Year Old Cousin just told me this

yo mamas so fat when she fell down no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up

An emo and an apple fall out of a tree. Which one hits the ground first?

The apple, the emo is stopped by the rope.

A man is walking through the woods when he sees a bear charging at him.

He books it, but he knows he can't outrun a bear for long, so he starts praying: "Dear Lord, I beseech thee. Please, o Lord, please let this bear be a Christian!" The bear catches up to him, knocks him down on the ground, then gets on its knees and says: "Dear Lord, thank you for this food I am about to receive..."

Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.

Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.
Pascal is no where to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a square drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.
Einstein says Newton, you're terrible, I've found you! Newton says No no, Einy. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!

So far we have four inches of snow on the ground.

Or as my husband would inches.

My girlfriend said she's fed up with me always pretending I'm a detective, and that we should split up...

I told her that's great, we can cover more ground that way.

Why can a 747 never c**...?

When it hits the ground it goes 'boeing'

Two engineer students were biking across campus.

One said to the other, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

With all the bad things happenning in america right now,

you woulda thought the whole thing was built on some Indian burial ground.

I caught my daughter chewing on an electrical cable.

So I had to ground her and kept her at ohm
She's doing better currently .
And conducting herself properly

My neighbor grew tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years, and went to veterinarian school.

His new business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money. His new slogan was: "No Matter What Happens - You Get Your Cat Back."

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck...

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."

A woman says to her lawyer "I want to divorce my husband."

‟On what grounds?
‟Grounds? We have two acres at the edge of town with a big lawn and some fruit trees.
‟No, that's not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?
‟Yes, we've a two car garage but only one car so we use the rest for storage.
^(getting exasperated) ‟Does he beat you up?
‟No, I'm up by 6:30 and sometimes he does not get up until after I've left for work.
‟We just can't seem to communicate.

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "Typical blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

I've been feeling really depressed, and my best friend isn't helping

I try to talk about my feelings with him, but he'll just say vaguely supportive things that really don't help. He'll say things like hey, cheer up buddy. I know things seem tough but at least you're not stuck in one of those, you know, those holes in the ground? The thing with the bucket so you can get water from the hole.
I know he means well.

My son was chewing on electrical cords so i had to ground him..

He is doing better currently and conducting himself properly

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asked - Where did you get such a great bike?

The second one replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike".
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want".
The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit".

My friend was like "Cheer up, man. It could be worse. You could be in a hole in the ground full of water."

I know he means well.

My daughter, 10, won tonight

My wife and I were stepping out to the neighbors for a get together and she is staying home tonight, so I reviewed the ground rules - don't answer the door, let the dog out the back door, call us if you need, etc.
She looked at me and said You know the rules, and so do I
Rickrolled as a dad joke.
Later, called to remind her to let the dog, who is a white goldendoodle, out. Speech to text s**... up and put make sure Ginger isn't at the door into make sure Ginger isn't at the bar
The reply?
Too late, she's white dog wasted
We have a natural here…

A Muslim, a Buddhist and a Christian are forced to jump off a building

So the Buddhist man jumps first. He prays: Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha... When he reaches the ground, he lands safely.

The next one is the Muslim. He jumps, and prays: Inshallah, Inshallah, Inshallah... Upon reaching the ground, he smashes so hard and dies instantly.

The last one is the Christian man. He jumps and starts praying: O u r F a t h e r i n H e a v e n, hallowed be your name. YOUR KINGDOM COME! YOUR WILL... BUDDHA, BUDDHA, BUDDHA, BUDDHA!

Who runs Mexican Amazon?

Jeff Pesos
It's a silly joke but I thought of it on my own today! I found a 200 peso bill on the ground today and I was saying pesos in different accents out loud with a coworker when the joke popped into my head. I don't think I've heard it anywhere before. After I got home and searched it here I realised it hasn't been told this way on this subreddit yet either. So I'm claiming it as an original joke.

A man went skydiving for the first time. "It's easy," said the instructor.

"Just count to five and pull on the main c**...," the instructor continued. "If that doesn't open, count to ten and pull on the reserve c**...."
"Super easy," he concluded. "Then you'll float slowly to the ground, and our bus will be there to drive you back to the airport."
The man jumped out the plane, and pulled on the main c**.... Nothing happened. He pulled on the reserve c**.... Nothing happened.
He looked down at the ground which was approaching fast, and said: "I bet that bus won't be there to pick me up either."

Elon Musk lands on Mars and steps out of his spaceship

"It's a small step for a man, but a giant leap for mankind," says ground control officer and cuts off all communications.

Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris doesn't wear shoes to protect his feet from the ground...

He wears them to protect the ground from his feet

Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek together

Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek together.
It's Einstein's turn to count, and he closes his eyes. After counting to 10, Pascal runs away and hides.
Newton, on the other hand, very calmly draws a square on the ground, 1 meter on each side, in front of the place that Einstein counted, and goes to the middle of it and starts to wait.
When Einstein reaches 10, he opens his eyes and immediately says, "Newton, I found you!!" he shouts.
Newton smiles and says calmly: "You didn't find me, you found Newton per square meter. So you found Pascal."

I bet a guy $50 that I could jump higher than a house.

So we went outside and stood by a house. Mustering all my strength, I managed to jump about 18 inches off the ground.
"Ha! Is that as high as you can jump?"
"Hold on, let's see how high the house jumps."

Messi, Ronaldo and Zlatan died in a car c**... and goes to heaven.

The three walks up to God sitting on his throne. God says:
"Messi, what is the best thing about football?"
Messi bows and answers:
"The best thing about football is that I have been able to spread joy to people, earn money for my living and seeing the world." God felt it was a good answerr>when he said: "Good Messi, come and sit at my left side."
God then looked at Ronaldo and said: "And you Ronaldo, what is the best thing about football?
Ronaldo responds a little timidly:
"Lord, I come from poor backgrounds and have managed to show my fellow human beings that there is a way out of it all and that you do not have to be doomed to a life of misery. Meanwhile, I was able to spread joy to the people. "
God replied: "Good answer Ronaldo, come and sit on my right side.".
God then looked at Zlatan and said: "What do you think then Zlatan?"
Zlatan looks up, clears his t**..., spits on the ground and says:
"You're sitting in my chair."

Two hunters walk through the woods...

Suddenly, one of them grabs his chests, grunts... and falls to the ground...
The other immediately takes out his phone and calls 911. He explains the situation to the operator and says his college is dead.
The operator says: "Are you sure? Is he really dead?"... silence
The operator then hears a gunshot... The hunter says: "Yeah, he's dead... What do I do now?"

This morning, my buddy and his wife had a heated argument about coffee that got really serious

It was grounds for divorce.

A scientist dropped a burger and a broccoli from the top of a building to see which one of them would hit the ground first. Which one hit the ground first?

The burger. This is because burger is a Fast food. Thank you.

I told my wife that I think our lawn is in trouble.

It appears to always be grounded.

Grounded joke, I told my wife that I think our lawn is in trouble.

jokes about grounded