The Best 72 Ground Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Ground jokes. There are some ground pavement jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these ground ground hog day puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 Funniest Ground Jokes and Puns
My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."
"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."
What do you call a cow with 3 legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Yo momma.
Joke in honor of mole day
Three moles are going through the ground looking for food.
The first mole pops up out of the ground and sniffs around.
He says "hey guys I think were getting close I smell some syrup".
The next mole pops up and says "ya we must be a smell some syrup too".
The last mole pops up and says "I don't know guys all I smell is some molasses"
Tribal Wisdom
So a cowboy is riding along a trail in the old west and sees an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. As he gets closer he hears the Indian saying to himself "Wagon...two gray horses...two passengers, man and woman...man driving" The cowboy goes "Wow! you can tell all that by just putting your ear to the ground?" The Indian replies "No. Wagon pass half hour ago, run me over."
My manly password
My wife and I were trying to set up a new password for our computer.
Trying to be clever, I put "Mypenis" and my wife fell to the ground laughing hysterically because on the screen it said:
**"Error. Not long enough."**
My wife wasn't happy.
True story: I was at the store with my son and my wife. I have a habit of flipping my wedding ring in the air like a coin and catching it. My son saw me do it and tried to grab it in mid air, causing it to fall to the ground. He scrambled to get it and I said, "Son, hand me that! It's expensive!"
My son asked me, "how much did it cost, dad?"
I replied, "my life."
What's the difference between a Pakistani middle school and an Al Qaeda training ground?
I dunno, I just fly the drone.
The only time my girl friend will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER"...
...is when they are lowering my casket into the ground!
Does it hurt anymore?
A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs. Fell on the ground & rolled around in pain. She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor.
Reluctantly he agreed.
She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her hands inside.
She massaged him tenderly for a few minutes & asked: "How does it feel?"
He replied: "Feels great but I still think my thumb is broken"
You can't run through a camp ground.
You can only ran, because it's past tents.
My girlfriend said she was sick of me pretending to be a detective...
...and that "we should split up"
"Good idea", I said, "that way we can cover more ground"
You can explore ground motionless reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean ground soil dad jokes. There are also ground puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A man spits out his coffee
"This tastes like mud!" he said.
"Well of course. It was just ground this morning" replied the waiter.
Understanding Engineers
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer
replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business,
when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground,
took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first
engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably
wouldn't have fit you anyway."
At 23:59 31.12.2015 I raised my left foot off the ground
Just to be sure I start 2016 on the right foot
My girlfriend told me she's sick of me pretending to be a detective.
Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. I think we should split up."
Me: "Good idea. We can cover more ground that way."
Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush jump of a bridge. They do a race who hits the ground first. Who wins?
Society
Why does a 6 oz hamburger have less energy than a 6 oz steak?
Because the hamburger is in the ground state.
I don't know why people are afraid of flying
Most crashes happen at ground level
A bar is burning to the ground, and a team of firefighters rush in to put it out.
A bar is burning to the ground and a team of firefighters rush in to put out the fire. When they get inside they see an Irishman passed out from smoke inhalation. They drag him out of the bar and eventually the Irishman comes to. The firefighter says "you were there, how did this whole thing get started?!" The Irishman responds "I don't know it was burning when I walked in"
America sure is having some bad luck
It's almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
My 7 Year Old Cousin just told me this
yo mamas so fat when she fell down no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up
I was at the inventor of the USB stick's funeral yesterday.....
They lowered his coffin into the ground, then raised it back up, turned it around, and lowered it back down again.
I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground
...so I threw my fries on the ground too.
An old farmer wrote a letter to his innocent son in prison:
"This year I'm unable to plant potatoes because I can't dig the ground. I know if you were here you would've helped me."
His son replied: "You idiot, don't dig the ground, I have hidden guns there."
Pretty soon, the Police read the letter, and the very next day the ground was dug by the police, and searched for guns but nothing was found.
The son wrote again: "Now plant your potatoes dad, its the best I could do from here."
An emo and an apple fall out of a tree. Which one hits the ground first?
The apple, the emo is stopped by the rope.ο»Ώ
When the creator of USB drive will die, they'll lower his coffin into the ground..
..take it out, flip it over and lower again.
Why is ground beef so popular?
Because the flying cows are really hard to catch.
Today I finally took the decision to ground one of my children for the first time
I hope that stops them from electrocuting themselves
A man is walking through the woods when he sees a bear charging at him.
He books it, but he knows he can't outrun a bear for long, so he starts praying: "Dear Lord, I beseech thee. Please, o Lord, please let this bear be a Christian!" The bear catches up to him, knocks him down on the ground, then gets on its knees and says: "Dear Lord, thank you for this food I am about to receive..."
Lesson 4 of 6: The Crow and the Rabbit
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long? The crow answered: sure, why not! So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
**Moral of the story**: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
Why did Obi Wan Kenobi fertilize his lawn with marijuana?
He wanted the high ground.
It was my first day at a new school.
When I arrived, I wanted to make sure nobody would pick on me so I walked up to the captain of the football team and punched him in the face. He fell to the ground, unconscious. From that day forward, everyone knew not to mess with the new principal.
What sound does an airplane make when it bounces off the ground?
Boeing.
Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.
Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.
Pascal is no where to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a square drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.
Einstein says Newton, you're terrible, I've found you! Newton says No no, Einy. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!
So far we have four inches of snow on the ground.
Or as my husband would say...seven inches.
My girlfriend said she's fed up with me always pretending I'm a detective, and that we should split up...
I told her that's great, we can cover more ground that way.
What has 4 legs and 1 arm?
A Pitbull coming from the childrens play ground
A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim find a pile of coins
A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim find a pile of coins.
They start arguing what they should take and what they should give to God.
The Christian draws a circle and says, We throw the coins into he air, and whatever lands in the circle, we keep.
The Muslim says, No no no. Whatever lands outside the circle we keep.
The Jew says, How about we throw it in the air, and whatever God wants, he keeps, and whatever falls to the ground we keep.
Yo momma's so fat, that when she fell
no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up.
It's stupid when girls say they can't find a guy, yet they ignore me.
It's like saying you're hungry when there's a hotdog on the ground outside.
Why can a 747 never crash?
When it hits the ground it goes 'boeing'
...Then Juliet looked down from her balcony and said,
"Its over Romeo,
I have the high ground"
Two engineer students were biking across campus.
One said to the other, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Well... Well... Well...
If it isn't 3 holes in the ground...
With all the bad things happenning in america right now,
you woulda thought the whole thing was built on some Indian burial ground.
I caught my daughter chewing on an electrical cable.
So I had to ground her and kept her at ohm
She's doing better currently .
And conducting herself properly
What do you call a cow with 3 legs?
Lean beef!
A cow with no legs?
Ground beef!
A cow with 2 legs?
YO MAMA
My neighbor grew tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years, and went to veterinarian school.
His new business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money. His new slogan was: "No Matter What Happens - You Get Your Cat Back."
My roommate keeps stealing my food so I ground up Pepper and made cupcakes with it.
Pepper was a dumb thing to name his dog anyway.
Did you hear about the three holes in the ground?
No?
Well, well, wellβ¦
A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby.
A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs, fell on the ground & rolled around in pain.
She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor. Reluctantly he agreed. She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her hands inside. She massaged him tenderly for a few minutes & asked: "How does it feel?"
He replied: "Feels great, but I still think my thumb is broken"
My wife says we should split up because I keep pretending I'm a detective
I said good idea, we can cover more ground that way
This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.
A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.
He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.
As he approached the line for the third time he said, "Look, if you don't let me unlock the damn door you're never going to get in there!
My 8 year-old kept chewing electrical wiresβ¦
β¦so I had to ground him.
A woman playing golf hits a nearby man...
She rushes over to the man who is on the ground, rolling around screaming in pain with his hands between his legs.
She profusely apologizes and offers to relieve his pain since she is a doctor and reluctantly he agrees. She gently moves his hands to his sides and unzips his pants and puts her hands inside. She massages him tenderly for a few minutes and asks: "How does it feel?"
He replies: "It feels great but I still think my thumb is broken".
America has been having a lot of bad luck lately
It's almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "Typical blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
What do you do when your son has started eating electrical cords?
You ground him until he conducts himself properly.
I've been feeling really depressed, and my best friend isn't helping
I try to talk about my feelings with him, but he'll just say vaguely supportive things that really don't help. He'll say things like hey, cheer up buddy. I know things seem tough but at least you're not stuck in one of those, you know, those holes in the ground? The thing with the bucket so you can get water from the hole.
I know he means well.
I was almost upset that my coffee tasted like dirt today
but then I remembered it was ground this morning.
My son was chewing on electrical cords so i had to ground him..
He is doing better currently and conducting himself properly
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asked - Where did you get such a great bike?
The second one replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike".
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want".
The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit".
My friend was like "Cheer up, man. It could be worse. You could be in a hole in the ground full of water."
I know he means well.
My daughter, 10, won tonight
My wife and I were stepping out to the neighbors for a get together and she is staying home tonight, so I reviewed the ground rules - don't answer the door, let the dog out the back door, call us if you need, etc.
She looked at me and said You know the rules, and so do I
Rickrolled as a dad joke.
Later, called to remind her to let the dog, who is a white goldendoodle, out. Speech to text screwed up and put make sure Ginger isn't at the door into make sure Ginger isn't at the bar
The reply?
Too late, she's white dog wasted
We have a natural hereβ¦
A man was found dead in vat of ground chickpeas.
Police are considering it a hummus-cide.
A Muslim, a Buddhist and a Christian are forced to jump off a building
So the Buddhist man jumps first. He prays: Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha... When he reaches the ground, he lands safely.
The next one is the Muslim. He jumps, and prays: Inshallah, Inshallah, Inshallah... Upon reaching the ground, he smashes so hard and dies instantly.
The last one is the Christian man. He jumps and starts praying: O u r F a t h e r i n H e a v e n, hallowed be your name. YOUR KINGDOM COME! YOUR WILL... BUDDHA, BUDDHA, BUDDHA, BUDDHA!
A man and his zebra walk into a bar.
A man and a zebra walk into a bar.
They both pull up a stool, and proceed to order shot after shot until they're both so drunk that the zebra falls right off his stool, hits the ground, and passes out.
After the man tries to wake the zebra up with no avail, he gets pissed off and starts to walk out of the bar, leaving the zebra on the floor.
The bartender yells, 'Hey! My man! You can't just leave that lyin' there!'
And the man says, 'That's not a lion, it's a zebra'.
A customer orders a coffee
The waiter brings the coffee and sets it on the table.
The customer takes a sip, and promptly spits it out, spraying everywhere.
"This tastes like dirt!!!" He shouts at the waiter.
"Yes", the waiter says. "It's fresh ground".
Two cars crashed close to a bar at noon...
One driver died instantly. The other was thrown out of the windscreen, hit the ground, and broke several bones. He screams and shouts for help.
A man that was drinking at the bar leaves and sees the scene. He goes close to the screaming man and asks:
\- No one has arrived yet?
\- No! AHHHH! AHHH! AHHHH! - the driver shouts in pain
\- Not even the ambulance?
\- No! AHHHH! AHHH! AHHHH! - the driver shouts in agony
\- Not even the insurance company?
\- No! AHHHH! AHHH! AHHHH! - the driver shouts in suffering
\- Then you wouldn't mind if I lay there with you, would you?
Tracker
So the cowboys hire a native american tracker. The tracker would often dismount his horse, look closely at the ground, sniff, put his ears on the ground, etc.
So today they are riding a trail. Tracker asks for a halt, gets off the horse and holds his ears to the ground. Gets up says "Buffalo come!"
Cowboy says "Wow! You can feel the vibrations of the herd moving?"
Tracker : "No. Face sticky!"
My 12 year old son tried coffee for the first time today
"It tastes like dirt!"
I told him it was just ground this morning.
A bald man...
a bald man decides to take a shower, he enters the bathroom, slips due to water on the ground, falls on his head, slips again.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the ground earth jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working ground midair piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.