Ground Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Ground puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Ground

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

What do you call a cow with 3 legs?

Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Yo momma.

Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.

Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.

Pascal is no where to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a square drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.

Einstein says Newton, you're terrible, I've found you! Newton says No no, Einy. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!

America sure is having some bad luck

It's almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

Two engineer students were biking across campus.

One said to the other, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

My girlfriend told me she's sick of me pretending to be a detective.

Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. I think we should split up."

Me: "Good idea. We can cover more ground that way."

Three blondes are walking through a forest

...when they spot tracks on the ground. The first blonde says: "Look, those are deer tracks."
The second blonde looks at them and says: "No you're wrong, those tracks obviously belong to wolves."
The third blonde thinks for a minute and says: "You're both wrong, these are hog tracks, I'm sure."
They were still arguing when the train hit them.

My girlfriend said she was sick of me pretending to be a detective...

...and that "we should split up"

"Good idea", I said, "that way we can cover more ground"

I caught my daughter chewing on an electrical cable.

So I had to ground her and kept her at ohm

She's doing better currently .

And conducting herself properly

My 7 Year Old Cousin just told me this

yo mamas so fat when she fell down no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up

Why can a 747 never crash?

When it hits the ground it goes 'boeing'

With all the bad luck that the US has seen this year...

You'd almost think this country was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

Happy Thanksgiving!

My wife wasn't happy.

True story: I was at the store with my son and my wife. I have a habit of flipping my wedding ring in the air like a coin and catching it. My son saw me do it and tried to grab it in mid air, causing it to fall to the ground. He scrambled to get it and I said, "Son, hand me that! It's expensive!"

My son asked me, "how much did it cost, dad?"

I replied, "my life."

At 23:59 31.12.2015 I raised my left foot off the ground

Just to be sure I start 2016 on the right foot

Does it hurt anymore?

A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs. Fell on the ground & rolled around in pain. She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor.
Reluctantly he agreed.
She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her hands inside.
She massaged him tenderly for a few minutes & asked: "How does it feel?"
He replied: "Feels great but I still think my thumb is broken"

Yo momma's so fat, that when she fell

no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up.

With all the bad things happenning in america right now,

you woulda thought the whole thing was built on some Indian burial ground.

What has 4 legs and 1 arm?

A Pitbull coming from the childrens play ground

You can't run through a camp ground.

You can only ran, because it's past tents.

Tribal Wisdom

So a cowboy is riding along a trail in the old west and sees an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. As he gets closer he hears the Indian saying to himself "Wagon...two gray horses...two passengers, man and woman...man driving" The cowboy goes "Wow! you can tell all that by just putting your ear to the ground?" The Indian replies "No. Wagon pass half hour ago, run me over."

Understanding Engineers

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer
replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business,
when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground,
took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first
engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably
wouldn't have fit you anyway."

What's the difference between a Pakistani middle school and an Al Qaeda training ground?

I dunno, I just fly the drone.

What sound does an airplane make when it bounces off the ground?

Boeing.

So far we have four inches of snow on the ground.

Or as my husband would say...seven inches.

Joke in honor of mole day

Three moles are going through the ground looking for food.
The first mole pops up out of the ground and sniffs around.
He says "hey guys I think were getting close I smell some syrup".
The next mole pops up and says "ya we must be a smell some syrup too".
The last mole pops up and says "I don't know guys all I smell is some molasses"

My girlfriend said she's fed up with me always pretending I'm a detective, and that we should split up...

I told her that's great, we can cover more ground that way.

An emo and an apple fall out of a tree. Which one hits the ground first?

The apple, the emo is stopped by the rope.

Why does a 6 oz hamburger have less energy than a 6 oz steak?

Because the hamburger is in the ground state.

Joke my mom just told me when I asked her why she never tells any jokes

A man is walking through the woods when he sees a bear charging at him. He books it, but he knows he can't outrun a bear for long, so he starts praying: "Dear Lord, I beseech thee. Please, o Lord, please let this bear be a Christian!" The bear catches up to him, knocks him down on the ground, then gets on its knees and says: "Dear Lord, thank you for this food I am about to receive..."

My manly password

My wife and I were trying to set up a new password for our computer.

Trying to be clever, I put "Mypenis" and my wife fell to the ground laughing hysterically because on the screen it said:

**"Error. Not long enough."**

A man spits out his coffee

"This tastes like mud!" he said.
"Well of course. It was just ground this morning" replied the waiter.

I don't know why people are afraid of flying

Most crashes happen at ground level

A bar is burning to the ground, and a team of firefighters rush in to put it out.

A bar is burning to the ground and a team of firefighters rush in to put out the fire. When they get inside they see an Irishman passed out from smoke inhalation. They drag him out of the bar and eventually the Irishman comes to. The firefighter says "you were there, how did this whole thing get started?!" The Irishman responds "I don't know it was burning when I walked in"

Today I finally took the decision to ground one of my children for the first time

I hope that stops them from electrocuting themselves

It's stupid when girls say they can't find a guy, yet they ignore me.

It's like saying you're hungry when there's a hotdog on the ground outside.

Why did Obi Wan Kenobi fertilize his lawn with marijuana?

He wanted the high ground.

Lesson 4 of 6: The Crow and the Rabbit

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long? The crow answered: sure, why not! So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.


A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.


**Moral of the story**: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

An old farmer wrote a letter to his innocent son in prison:

"This year I'm unable to plant potatoes because I can't dig the ground. I know if you were here you would've helped me."

His son replied: "You idiot, don't dig the ground, I have hidden guns there."
Pretty soon, the Police read the letter, and the very next day the ground was dug by the police, and searched for guns but nothing was found.
The son wrote again: "Now plant your potatoes dad, its the best I could do from here."

A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim find a pile of coins

A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim find a pile of coins.

They start arguing what they should take and what they should give to God.

The Christian draws a circle and says, We throw the coins into he air, and whatever lands in the circle, we keep.

The Muslim says, No no no. Whatever lands outside the circle we keep.

The Jew says, How about we throw it in the air, and whatever God wants, he keeps, and whatever falls to the ground we keep.

Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush jump of a bridge. They do a race who hits the ground first. Who wins?

Society

Why is ground beef so popular?

Because the flying cows are really hard to catch.

When the creator of USB drive will die, they'll lower his coffin into the ground..

..take it out, flip it over and lower again.

...Then Juliet looked down from her balcony and said,

"Its over Romeo,

I have the high ground"

Well... Well... Well...

If it isn't 3 holes in the ground...

I was at the inventor of the USB stick's funeral yesterday.....

They lowered his coffin into the ground, then raised it back up, turned it around, and lowered it back down again.

I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground

...so I threw my fries on the ground too.

It was my first day at a new school.

When I arrived, I wanted to make sure nobody would pick on me so I walked up to the captain of the football team and punched him in the face. He fell to the ground, unconscious. From that day forward, everyone knew not to mess with the new principal.

The only time my girl friend will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER"...

...is when they are lowering my casket into the ground!

Have you heard about the three holes in the ground?

Well, well, well.

I know a guy who survived an 8000-foot fall out of a plane.

Until he hit the ground.

Two hunters are in the woods, suddenly one of them drops to the ground.

The other one quickly decides to phone the emergency services.

"911, what is your emergency?"

"Help me! I'm in the forest and my friend just died!"

"Calm down sir, first, can you make sure he's dead?"





**Bang**



"Okay, what do I do now?"

A leaf and an emo fall from a tree. Who hits the ground first?

The leaf. The rope stopped the emo.

What noise does a plane make when it hits the ground?

Boeing

Three blondes are walking through the woods

shortly into their walk, they find tracks on the ground.

"Look at the size of these rabbit tracks!" Said the first blonde.

"You moron, those are raccoon tracks." Said the second blonde.

"You two are so stupid, these are obviously coyote tracks!" Said the third blonde.

Two minutes later, they were all run over by a train.

A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo...

To help him, he hired a Native American scout.

The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo.

After riding awhile, the scout gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Hmmm, buffalo come."

The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing.

He is confused and says to the scout, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?"

The scout replies, "Ear sticky".

How did the blind skydiver know he was about to hit the ground?

He felt the slack in his dog's leash.

How long does it take to reach the ground from 110 stories up?

The rest of your life.

Isaac Newton, Albert Einstein and Blaise Pascal are playing hide and seek

Einstein is counting down while Newton and Pascal are trying to hide. Pascal jumps into the bushes and Newton walks a few steps, picks up a stick, draws a square on the ground and just stands there. Einstein turns around and instantly spots Newton.

- Found you Newton, you lose!
- Now wait a minute good sir, can't you see what I drew below me? I am a Newton on a square meter so technically you found Pascal.

Two Indians put their ears to the ground........

The first Indian says: "Buffalo come".

The second Indian says: "Buffalo no come".

The first Indian places his ear back on the ground and repeats "Buffalo come".

The second Indian places his ear back on the ground and says "I no hear anything, why you think buffalo come?"

The first Indian replies "Ear sticky".

Obama and a general are discussing how to attack ISIS

Obama: We need to get boots on the ground to attack them. Send in soldiers, artillery, and trucks.

General: You are forgetting something important sir.

Obama: No I am not.

General: Tanks, Obama.

This coffee tastes like dirt

Well it was ground this morning

Three blondes are walking in the forest.

So one day, three blondes were walking in the forest. Eventually, they happened upon some unidentified tracks in the ground.

"Hey, look! Deer tracks!" The first blonde said.

"No, they're raccoon tracks!" The second argued.

"You guys are stupid," interjected the third blonde, "these are clearly bear tracks."

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

What is the common ground between an Ak-47 and bubblegum?

When you pull it out in class everybody wants to be your friend.

A beta tester walks into a bar

A beta tester runs into a bar

A beta tester crawls into a bar

A beta tester moonwalks into a bar

A beta tester jumps into a bar

A beta tester sneaks into a bar

A beta tester orders 1 beer

A beta tester orders 2 beers

A beta tester orders 0 beers

A beta tester orders 999999999 beers

A beta tester orders -1 beers

A beta tester orders qwertyuip beers

A beta tester orders a lizard in a cup

A regular user walks into the bar and asks if he can use their toilet

The bar erupts into flames and burns to the ground.

Two electricians are up on a pole

A granny walks by. One of the electricians shouts at the granny:

— Hey grandma, can you hold that cable that's on the ground next to you for a bit, please?

The granny picks up the cable. The same electrician then states to the other:

— Told you it was the ground.

No Strings

Two strings wanted to go into a bar. The bar had a sign up "We do not serve strings" One of them said to the other I've got an idea. He slammed into the wall, scooted and twisted himself around on the ground and then began tearing at his ends. He walked into the bar and the bartender said "Hey aren't you a string?" He looked at the bartender and said "I'm a frayed knot"

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes