Groom Jokes
99 groom jokes and hilarious groom puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about groom that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you looking for the funniest groom jokes? From best man jokes to groomsmen jokes, we’ve got you covered! Read on for a collection of jokes about the groom, bride, mother-in-law, brother-in-law, fiancee and more. Laugh out loud with the latest groom jokes of 2020!
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Funniest Groom Short Jokes
Short groom jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The groom humour may include short bride jokes also.
- Two slices of bread got married. The ceremony was going quite well until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.
- The last wedding I was at was very emotional. Everybody was crying, the Bride and Groom, the whole reception, the priest..
Even the massive cake was in tiers.. - Prince Andrew is going to inherit The Queen's Corgis. Makes sense with his experience in grooming.
- What happened at the cannibal's wedding party? They toasted the bride and groom...
My 7yo told me I had to post this. Enjoy the giggle! - Vicar: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T man and wife V W X Y Z Groom: Why did you say that?
Vicar: Because I now pronounce u 'man and wife' - Following the death of Queen Elizabeth, prince andrew has been given the role of looking after the corgis. At least they will be well groomed.
- I went to a cannibals wedding last weekend. All was going well, until they decided to toast the Bride and Groom.
- A man stands up to give a toast at his best friend's wedding He says "I was told that a wedding toast should only last as long as the groom lasts in bed. So goodnight everyone!"
- What's the difference between a horse and a 13 year old boy? The horse knows when I'm grooming him.
- A man said, "Dad, I just heard that in some countries, the groom does not even know his bride until after he is married." His dad replied, that is true in all countries.
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Groom One Liners
Which groom one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with groom? I can suggest the ones about father of bride and father of the bride.
- What happens at a cannibal wedding? They toast the bride and groom.
- What did Groot say when he got married? I am Groom.
- Why did Prince Andrew stop grooming the Corgi's? He found out they were 18 in dog years
- Why didn't the bride and groom exchange their wedding vows? TL;DR
- What did the one engaged melon say to her groom melon? Sorry we canteloupe.
- What did Mike Tyson call the groom with cold feet? A Puthy
- What do you call a racing horse that's never been groomed? Furlong
- What do cannibals do at a wedding? Toast the bride and groom.
- The groom grooms the bride... Before the bride bridles the groom
- How can you tell who the groom is at a polish wedding? Clean T-Shirt
- Why was Linda so mad on her wedding day? Her soon to be husband forgot how to groom.
- The groom was furious and told me I was a terrible best man. I was speechless.
- Someone on here just offered to comb my hair Am I a victim of online grooming?
- Where do dogs get a clean groom? China.
- Drake fired his barber He's gotten into grooming
Groom Wedding Jokes
Here is a list of funny groom wedding jokes and even better groom wedding puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- kids at wedding kid: Mom, why does the bride wear white clothes?
mother: because it is the happiest day in her life.
kid: So, why the groom is wearing black? - At the wedding Priest: Will you love & honor her?
Groom: I will
[Bride whispers to priest]
Priest: And leave your phone unlocked?
Groom: I'm out. - I like weddings in Alabama... I normally have to ask which side is for the groom and which is for the bride but in Alabama, they're all family!
- What does a Russian groom give his bride on her wedding day that's long & hard? His last name
- At a wedding, tapping on the glass makes the groom and the bride kiss. Smashing the glass however.. Clearly got me kicked out of the house.
- Actual exchange the morning of my wedding yesterday: Photographer (to bride): scale of 1 to 10, what's your stress level at?
Bride: 8
Groom (me): WOOHOO SINGLE DIGITS - I was at a wedding and told the groom this is a BIG day, a once in a lifetime thing... He replies, I hope so...
- Why did the best man trip the groom on their way into the wedding reception? He was trying to beat him to the punch.
- I was at a wedding where the bride didn't show up. The groom was filled with unbrideled rage.
- I went to a wedding. The bride had something old, something new something borrowed...and the groom had something blew.
Bride Groom Jokes
Here is a list of funny bride groom jokes and even better bride groom puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did the groom want his bride to wear white? He wanted his new dish washer to match his fridge.
- As it is Alabama, It wouldn't be proper without the traditional speech... From the father of the bride and groom.
- Why did the bride and groom get married in a hot tub? So that the bride wouldn't get cold feet.
- What does a Polish groom give his bride for their wedding that is long and hard? A new last name.
- If a groom is a person that takes care of a horse, why don't they call the bride a jockey?
- What did the snake priest say to the snake groom after the marriage? You may now "hiss" the bride.
- A groom stood n**... in front of a mirror... and said " 2 inches more, and I'd be a king!"
His bride saw her chance and replied " 2 inches less, and you'd be a *queen*."
Playful Groom Jokes to Add Joy and Laughter to Your Group
What funny jokes about groom you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean wedding jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make groom pranks.
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a v**...."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get s**...."
Congratulations! Said the groom's uncle.
I'm sure you'll look back on today as the happiest day of your life.
But I'm not getting married until tomorrow. Replied the groom to be.
I know, I know. His uncle replied.
10 Husbands, Still a v**...
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a v**...."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get s**...!"
The First Night of the Honeymoon
The groom and bride had finally reached their honeymoon suite and both were eager to consummate the marriage as quickly as possible. The groom was a huge man, over 6'6" tall and 250 solid pounds of muscle. The bride a beautiful and diminutive woman.
The groom looked at his beautiful bride, took off his pants and threw them at her feet. "Put those on." He ordered.
She gave him a bewildered expression, but attempted to do as he asked. "They're too big, they won't stay on." She exclaimed.
"That's right, just remember who wears the pants in this family."
She gave him a narrow look and removed her pants and threw them at his feet. "Put those on." She ordered.
The groom could not even get his big toe into his wife's pants. "I.. I can't get into them." He stated struggling.
She declared back: "That's right and until your attitude changes that's the way it's going to be."
A young man is getting married...
...and is very nervous about consummating his marriage. He was raised in a very conservative and religious setting, like his bride-to-be, and is a v**... (as is the bride). He decides to ask a friend of his who has more experience for advice on what he should do.
The friend gives him details on how to do the deed, wishes him luck, and sends the groom off to his wedding.
The next day, the friend calls the groom and asked how everything went.
"I guess it went ok, but to be honest I didn't really enjoy it all that much. It didn't feel nearly as good as I thought it would."
"Huh..." answer his friend. "Well how about your bride? Did she enjoy it?"
"I think so... but again I'm not really sure. She didn't really say anything during the act, but I did notice that her toes would curl up every time I would t**...."
"Ummmm... you did remember to take off her pantyhose first, right?"
Both Golf
"Honey, I have a confession to make," a guy told his bride. "I'm a golf nut. You'll never see me on weekends during golf season. "
"Well, dear," she murmured. "I have a confession to make too. I'm a h**.... "
"No big deal," replied the groom. "Just keep your head down and your left arm straight! "
A woman is marrying a sailor
Before the wedding night her father warns her
"Now lass, when you get to bed tonight he might demand it 'the other way around'"
"What do you mean" she asks but he tells her she'll find out soon enough.
The wedding night comes and goes without the groom asking for it the other way around and through 10 years of marriage still no request. Finally the woman can contain her curiosity any longer and says to her husband
"Would you like it 'the other way around' tonight?"
To which he replies
"What - and risk you getting pregnant?"
Roger and Jenny on their wedding night . . .
Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I've been here already tonight?'
The groom, waiting in the church for his bride, has a huge grin on his face...
..."What is wrong with you", asks the best man, "don't you know your life is over?" "No it's not", says the groom, "Last night, I got the best b**... in the history of blow jobs, and I'm marrying this girl. My life is set." Meanwhile in the bride's room, she too has a huge grin on her face. "What is wrong with you", asks the bride's maid, "don't you know your life is over?" "No it's not", says the bride, "Last night, I gave the last b**... I ever have to."
A little boy at a wedding...
A little boy at a wedding asks his Mom, "Mommy how come bride's wear white dresses at their wedding." The Mom responds "Well because it's the happiest day of her life." The kid responds "Then how come the groom wears black?"
A little girl is attending her first wedding...
And as the priest is reading the vows, she leans over to her mother and whispers, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explains, "and today is the happiest day in her life."
The child ponders this for a moment and then asks, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
A young bride and groom to be
A young bride and groom to be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me" she asked the rather elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater three times a day.
Some groomers for your friday the 13th
A snail goes to a dealership and finds an expensive sports car. The salesman says "What would it take to get you in this car?" The snail replies "Paint a big 'S' on the side." The salesman asks "Why an 'S'?" The snail replies "So when I drive around people can say: Watch that 'S' car go!"
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Why was the mushroom invited to all the parties? Because he was a fun-guy!
The Divorced v**...
A lawyer married a woman who had been divorced five times. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a v**...." "What?" said the puzzled groom, "How can that be if you've been married five times?"
"Well, Jim was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be but didn't know how to close.
Kevin was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Edward was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Charles was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Richard was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the Groom, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get s**...!"
A bit different, this isn't a joke, but I have an idea for a joke
Basically, in the joke, there's a bride and a groom, and they are planning their wedding. The bride leaves the groom at the altar, and the ceremony goes off *without a hitch*
How can I word this joke to make it the most effective?
Two h**... got married.
On their wedding night, the h**... groom admitted that he was a v**... and didn't really know what to do.
The h**... bride, who was much experienced, just giggled and said, "Silly, you just take that thing you play with and put it where I pee." So he got up, grabbed his banjo and threw it in the sink.
There are a mother and child at a wedding.
The child turns to her mother and asks "Mommy, why is the Bride wearing white?" The mother quietly responds "Because, white is seen as the color of happiness, and this is the happiest day of her life!" The child ponders this for a moment, and then turns to her mother again. "Then why is the Groom wearing black?"
newlyweds
On their wedding night as the recently married couple undress, the groom takes his pants off and hands them to her.
"Try them on"
"They're too big"
"Exactly and now you know who wears the pants"
She then takes off her p**... and tosses them to him.
"Put them on"
"I can't get in them. They're too small"
"And you won't be getting in them until you change your attitude"
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best b**... I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies, "I just gave the last b**... of my entire life."
A man was invited to a wedding
When he reached the hotel, he found two doors with two signs written
1. Bride Relatives
2. Groom Relatives
He entered the groom's door and and found another two doors
1. Ladies
2. Men
He entered the Men's door and found two more doors
1. People with gifts
2. People without gifts
He entered the second door (people without gifts) and found himself outside of the hotel premises
Wearing White ...
A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the bride wear white?"
His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."
The boys thinks about this, and then says, "Well then why is the groom wearing black..."
A man marries a Chinese restaurant waitress...
On their wedding night, she says to him -
Bride: "Dear husband, I want to give you anything you want! Just name it!"
Groom: "Ooh, that's tough to chose. OK, I really want a sixty nine."
Bride (confused): "You want beef broccoli *now*?"
A child asks his mother
why the bride wears white on her wedding day. His mother responds, "Because white represents happiness, and that's the happiest day of her life!" The child thinks for a while and then asks, "Then why does the groom wear black?"
I've been getting anonymous texts from someone telling me to shower, comb my hair & brush my teeth.
I think they may be trying to groom me.
Profit & Loss Statement
Wife asks:
"Why is it that in all marriages the bride sits on the left side and the groom sits on the right?"
Husband's reply:
"Have you ever seen a Profit & Loss Statement? It follows the same logic. All income is posted on the Right and expenses are on the Left!"...
I'll have to check WebMD
Minister: In sickness and in health
Groom: In sickness and in health ... wait, does obesity count as a sickness
I was walking around town....
I was walking around town yesterday, When a Shampoo sales Women, asked me what I use to groom. She was shocked when I replied Facebook
Harry was finally a groom and was very excited about his upcoming marriage.
He was on his way out of the office when his boss came over to him.
Congratulations Harry, his boss said. I just wanted to tell you I've been married for 22 years, and I'm sure that you will always remember this day with the fondest of memories, as the happiest day of your life.
But, I'm not getting married until tomorrow, Harry said.
Yeah I know, his boss said.
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
After a wedding
After a wedding, an elderly lady named Enna is nowhere to be found. The groom is frantic and tells his bride the festivities cannot continue. When she asks why, he says,
Without Aunt Enna, no reception.
A joke that only Jews will get.
A Jewish man is getting married to a nonreligious woman. His religion is important to him so she agrees to have a Jewish wedding. The ceremony goes well, and all that's left is for the groom to break the glass. He steps on the glass, and it breaks in such a way that it slices his foot right through the shoe. He's bleeding badly.
The bride screams "Oh no he's hurt! Is anyone here a doctor?"
A groom is standing at the alter with his best man
Looking out at the crowd of people gathered for the wedding, the groom whispers to the best man "you know except for my wife-to-be, my two sisters, my aunt and my mom, I must have nailed every woman here!" The best man whispers back between us, we've done the whole room!"
Two virgins get married.
On their honeymoon the groom calls her mother and asks what they should do now.
The mother tells her son that the husband is supposed to stick the biggest thing he has where the wife pees.
To say the least, the wife was confused when she found her husband with his leg in the toilet.
In Wisconsin a woman donated a kidney to a dairy farmer and he was so grateful he agreed to marry her. The preacher said: what God has joined let no man put asunder. The groom interrupted: what's asunder?
The preacher said apart. The farmer said a part of what? Apart from your wife said the now frustrated minister. The groom said s**...! I already got a part from her.
As leader of the USSR, Gorbachev was allowed to conduct weddings
He liked to keep them brief:
Gorbachev: You want to marry her?
Groom: Da
Gorbachev: You want to marry him ?
Bride: Da
Gorbachev: Then so be it.
He was a master of the So-be-it union
