Grocery Store Jokes
132 grocery store jokes and hilarious grocery store puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about grocery store that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Grocery Store Short Jokes
Short grocery store jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The grocery store humour may include short grocery jokes also.
- Garlic powder $5.99. steak seasoning $14.99. Pepper shaker $9.99. Forgetting to grab your shopping bag at the grocery store counter.......spiceless
- Shredded cheese has officially been banned in grocery stores in the US. Trump will make America grate again.
- A really hot girl was checking me out today. Then I paid her for the groceries and left the store.
- A man walks into a grocery store. Asks for a pound of tomatoes.
The grocer says, "we call them kilos over here."
The man replies "fine, a pound of kilos then." - I saw an anti-vaxxers 4 year old son throwing a tantrum at the grocery store yesterday. You can say he was having a midlife crisis
- There is an Arab boy lost in the grocery store... The manager of the store walks up to the boy and asks "what does your mother look like?" The boy replies " I don't know".
- I got kicked out of a grocery store for inappropriate behavior in the produce section. All I did was take a leek.
- Wife:Do you need anything at the grocery store? Me: pick up 30 bottles of minute maid
Wife: why so many?
Me: didn't you hear the news? O.J. is free! - They say "Eat before you go to the grocery store, you do not buy as much" That does NOT work with a liquor store....
- A man flashes a woman at the grocery store She says " Oh my gosh ! Thank you ! I almost forgot to get baby carrots
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Grocery Store One Liners
Which grocery store one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with grocery store? I can suggest the ones about grocery shopping and supermarket.
- /u/username goes to the grocery store.... username checks out.
- ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts. ALDI's nuts
- I think the girl at the grocery store likes me, she was totally checking me out.
- What was the snowman doing in the carrot section of the grocery store? Picking his nose
- If Dire Straits robbed a grocery store They'd get honey for nothin' and chips for free.
- Dr. Dre was arrested at a grocery store today. He dropped too many beets.
- I went to the store and bought 2% milk… And 98% other groceries
- What did Dave Mustaine say to the grocery store cashier? "Can you put a price on peas?"
- My grandma won the local grocery store's anual dance competition. She didn't miss a beet.
- Why are Austalian grocery stores the best? Because of their Koala Tea
- Why did Narcissus love going to the grocery store? The self checkout.
- My pants so baggy... I get a nickel every time I walk into the grocery store.
- A man tried robbing me while I was exiting a grocery store How dairy
- What do you call a grocery store reciept from a Chinese-American? The Bill of Rice.
- Going apple picking would be cool if you don't know grocery stores exist.
Grocery Store Cashier Jokes
Here is a list of funny grocery store cashier jokes and even better grocery store cashier puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A man walks into a grocery store and says, "Three pounds of potatoes, please." The cashier responds, "Sorry, we only sell kilos now."
"Ah, too bad. Three pounds of kilos, then." - Why can't clerks at the grocery store pick which cashier they work with? Because baggers can't be choosers.
- Man walks into a grocery store When the cashier asks if he wants his milk in a bag, he says "No thanks. Keep it in the jug."
- Gotta love a dad joke Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, 'No, just leave it in the carton!'
- Tom Brady walks into a grocery store. He buys a bag of chips, equaling up to $1.75. How much does he give the cashier? 2 dollars, so he gets a quarter back.
Uplifting Grocery Store Jokes to have Hilarious Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about grocery store you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean grocery clerk jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make grocery store pranks.
Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,
"No, just leave it in the carton! "
P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.
When I was at the grocery store, I asked an employee where the cereal was, and he said, "I'll see." And walks off. 5 minutes later, I asked another employee about the cereal, and he too said, "I'll see," and walks off.
I eventually found it myself. It was in aisle C.
The checker at the grocery store asked me if I wanted my milk in a bag.
I told her to leave it in the carton.
I've probably told checkers that 100 times, and not once did they get the joke.
A guy walks into a bar
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How you doing today?" the bartender asks. "Actually, earlier today I was feeling really down. Depressed even," the guy says. "But then I parked in a handicapped stall at the grocery store and then I had a bunch of complete strangers rally around me and tell me there was nothing wrong with me."
"Back in the day," my grandfather started to say,
"you could walk into a grocery store with 2 dollars in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and a bit of butter as well."
"But today," he continued, "wherever you go - there are cameras."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.
A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.
He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.
As he approached the line for the third time he said, "Look, if you don't let me unlock the d**... door you're never going to get in there!
I quit my career as a professional poker player, and I decided to open a grocery store.
For the first couple weeks, I didn't earn much money. Then, I decided to rearrange the meat and the snacks in my store. I started earning lots of money. I knew that I would succeed when the chips were down and the steaks were high.
Change for a $15 bill
An incompentent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money. At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making $15 bills.
He figures that the only way he's going to get anything from this batch of money, is to find a place where the people aren't too bright and change his phoney money for real cash.
He travels to a small town and walks into a small Mom and Pop grocery store. He goes to the old man behind the counter and asks him, "Do you have change for a $15 bill?"
The old man replies, "I sure do...How would you like that? An eight and a seven or two sixes and a three?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just got fired from the grocery store for being too violent...
...all I did was put out a sign that said, "take lettuce from top of pile or heads will roll!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A joke told by an old man.
I was speaking to an old man at the grocery store yesterday when he told me something interesting about the olden days of america.
Old man: Son, back in the day my mother could give me a dollar and I could run to the store and get myself a candy bar and a soda pop, and still have money left over to buy the milk my mom asked me to get.
Me: s**... you can not do that today!
Oldman: Yeah, I know son! Now a days, there is just way to much security . . .
A little old lady gets arrested for stealing a can of peaches from a grocery store.
At the trial, the judge asks her why she stole a can of peaches. She replies, "Your Honor, my husband and I don't have much, and we are very poor. I was simply trying to do something about my hunger."
The judge, feeling sorry for the old lady, asked, "How many peaches were in the can?"
"6," the old lady responded.
"Then," the judge said, "you will spend one day in jail for each peach, for a total of 6 days."
"Your Honor," spoke her husband, "she also stole a can of peas!"
Whata country..
You might remember comedian Yakov Smirnoff. When he first came to the United States from Russia he was not prepared for the incredible variety of instant products available in American grocery stores.
He says, "On my first shopping trip, I saw powdered milk -- you just add water, and you get milk. Then I saw powdered orange juice -- you just add water, and you get orange juice. And then I saw baby powder, and I thought to my self, "What a country!"
I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8 am for seniors only.
A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.
He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.
As he approached the line for the third time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door you'll never get in there."
Years ago you could enter a grocery store with 25 dollars
and walk out with several kilos of fruits, a loaf of bread meat, cheese, milk and much more.
Nowadays, there are surveillance cameras everywhere.
A close call.
Yesterday I was walking on the streets in my hometown Rotterdam, in the Netherlands. I was about to go to the grocery store when I saw a black man running with a TV. I was afraid of it being mine, so I ran home as quick as possible, but luckily mine was still there, polishing my shoes.
One of everything.
A man walks into a grocery store and grabs a shopping cart. He grabs one egg, one tomato, one head of lettuce, one steak, one banana, one apple, and one of everything else in the store.
He walks up to the counter and starts putting his items on the belt. After the cashier gives him a weird look, she says, "You must be single."
He says, "I am. How did you know?"
She says, "Because you're extremely ugly."
Dad joke I came up with at work.
I work at a grocery store produce department. Today there was some misplaced cheese in a cooler. I saw it was sharp provolone. I took it to the deli lady and once she read it I said "be careful, it's sharp."
Covid restrictions...
I'm down with social distancing, but I think my local grocery store has gone too far.
They've put a big X on the floor to show where to stand in line at the register.
I've seen enough Roadrunner cartoons, I'm not falling for that.
Here is a joke from the Soviet Union (also popular in other communist countries before 1989)
A CIA agent is sent on a spy mission to Moscow, Soviet Union. He goes to a grocery store and writes down in his diary "There is no food".
He then goes to a clothes shop and puts down in the diary "there are no shoes".
He goes out of the shop and a KGB agent waits for him outside. "You know, 10 years ago we would have shot you for that."
The CIA agent writes in his diary "There are no bullets".
A guy goes into a grocery store.
He sees a pile of potatoes, and asks the store keeper:
"What are those?"
"Those are potatoes"
"Can I have a kilo of potatoes individually wrapped?"
The store keeper shakes his head and start wrapping potatoes.
"What are those?"
"Those are plums..."
"Can I have a kilogram of plums all individually wrapped?"
The store keeper cusses under his breath and starts packing plums.
"... and what are those?!
"Those are poppy seeds and they are NOT for sale!"
A man and his son were at the grocery store today...
They were using a cart that had a child-size car attached to the front with the kid inside. While I was shopping, I noticed the dad started hitting the cart into the wall, it was a pretty bizarre sight to see. Before I could intervene, the kid yells,
Kid: DAAAAAD, stop!!! What are you doing?! Stooop!
Kid: Daaaad?! We're not going anywhere! What are you doing?
The dad finally stops after a minute, looks his son straight in the eye and says, as a matter of fact,
Dad: "I don't know son, you're the one who's driving."
I've never laughed so hard while eavesdropping, dad jokes are great. Happy Saturday!
A guy walks into a grocery store and says "I want half a pound of butter"
He looks and sees shelves completely covered with boxes of salt. All over the grocery store, hundreds and hundreds of boxes of salt. So he says to the grocer, Listen, I don't want to pry, but do you sell a lot of salt? And the grocery man says, Me, if I'll sell a box of salt a month, I'm lucky. But the guy that sells me salt… Boy, can he sell salt."
A man walks into a grocery store
After getting all his food he brings it to the cash register to ring it up. The cashier says "that'll be $49.95", The man hands him a $100 bill and the cashier asks "do you have anything smaller? We've been having a rash of counterfeit bills lately"; the man reaches in his pockets and hands him a $55 bill
Whenever she was asked her name, a little girl told people, I'm Mr. Anderson's daughter.
Her mother told her this was wrong. Instead, she must say, "I'm Sarah Anderson."
At the grocery store she was approached by a friend of her fathers. He asked, "Aren't you Mr. Anderson's daughter?"
Sarah replied, "I thought I was, but my mother says I'm not."
Mother and son in Grocery store.
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.
"What are you doing?" his mother asked.
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained.
"I'm looking for the seal." - collected
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So, I bumped into this cute g**... the way out of the grocery store...
We talked for a bit and ended up exchanging numbers. I'm trying not to make a big deal about it, but I'm pretty bummed that my insurance rates are going to go up.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There's a drunk guy in line at the grocery store...
The woman in front of him has a block of cheddar cheese, a half gallon of milk, and a dozen eggs.
He stumbles up to her and says, "Why, you must be single!"
Rather surprised, she looks at him and replies, "Yes, I am single! You could tell that just from what I'm buying?"
Without missing a beat, the drunk guy says, "No, it's 'cause you're f**...' ugly!"
Where is my wife
A young man and an old man bumped shopping carts at the grocery store.
Young man: I am sorry. I wasn't watching where I was going. I was looking for my wife.
Old man : Sorry. I was also looking for my wife.
Young man: Well maybe we can look together. My wife is 24. She is 5'2". She has short black hair. She is wearing a pink tube top and blue Jeans. What does your wife look like?
Old man: It doesn't matter. Lets look for yours.
I was at the grocery store with my gpa when a couple girls in super short skirts walked by....
Gpa said, looks at those jet skirts, as we both admired the two ladies. I had to know, what's a jet skirt? Gpa replied, it's a skirt so short that when they bend over you can see the cockpit.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man goes to the grocery store and buys a banana, three peaches, and two pears.
As the cashier scans his food, she looks at it all and says "You must be single."
The man smiles and says "Yeah, how did you know?"
"Oh," she says, "Because you're ugly."
I went to the grocery store. The sign outside said: "No food or drinks inside".
So I went home again.
A gorgeous young woman works at the grocery store. Her job is to climb the ladder to get raisin bread down from the top shelf.
Because she is so attractive, a lot of men who come to the grocery store ask her to get down the raisin bread just so they can see up her skirt when she climbs the ladder, but the woman thinks it's just because raisin bread is really popular.
One day, after the woman had given raisin bread to dozens of men, an old man came walking through the bread aisle. "Excuse me, sir," she said. "Is yours raisin too?"
"No," replied the old man, "but it's twitchin' a little!"
It always irked my single mother that her grocery store didn't carry eggs in packages of six—just by the dozen.
Then one day, her wish came true. She walked into the grocery and found fresh eggs in cartons of six. I was so excited, she told us later, that I bought two!
I used to be able to go to the grocery store with $20 and come back with food for a month
Try doing it nowadays with cameras everywhere
I hate it when I run out of toilet paper
and I have to make the trip to the grocery store in really small steps.
Yesterday I found myself next to a Hollywood celebrity at a grocery store. Both of us were staring at the cream cheese section.
I was …..watching Philadelphia with Tom Hanks.
A woman from the ghetto is in the grocery store with a whole crew of kids...
She yells out, "Billy!" and nine boys come running and line up by the door.
A passer-by laughs to himself and asks, "Did you name all your sons Billy?"
"Yup. Makes calling them for dinner a lot easier."
"What happens when you only need to talk to one of them?"
"Then I just call them by their last name."
A wife asks her newfie husband to stop by the grocery store on the way home...
She tells him, "pick up a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen"
He comes home later with 12 loaves of bread
I told the cute girl at the grocery store that I wanted to make her mine. Was all smiles and as happy as anything...
For some reason, she got mad when I gave her a pick axe and a helmet with a light on the front.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm going to start a grocery store for fat virgins
It's a huge untapped market
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The 12 Days of Corona
In the year 2020, the pandemic gave to me:
12 Cancelled Plans
11 Face Masks
10 Sanitizers
9 m**... Hornets
8 Zoom Calls
7 Mental Breakdowns
6 Feet Apart
5 Curbside Pickups
4 Quarantines
3 Travel Restrictions
2 Karens Complaining
And a massive shortage of Grocery Store TP
Have you ever heard of the ckicken plant?
I guess the eggplant came first!
I work at a grocery store and a guy in the produce department told me this. He thought it was hilarious
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A nun comes over to a grocery store and yelps at the cashier: "A bottle of r**...".
The cashier obliged, but he couldn't help but ask: "I thought nuns don't drink". "Well, mother sometimes has constipation and a little bit of r**... helps her with that", the nun replied. The cashier nods and a few hours later in the evening, he closes the store and leaves home. On the way, he noticed the same nun, totally drunk, with an empty bottle of r**... in her hand. "I thought you said it was for the mother", the cashiet scolded her. "Well yea exactly, she'll s**... herself once she sees me!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got kicked out of the grocery store while trying to pay with a debit card.
The terminal instruction read "s**... down, facing cashier".
I locked eyes for dominance.
If the grocery store prohibited gum in employees mouths, would it be safe to say that….
Baggers can't be Chewsers
Hey guys. There's a grocery store on my left, a few cars, some people going for lunch, I see a bunch of carts or trolleys, whatever you call them. Please just think about me.
I'm going through a lot right now.
Happy Columbus Day
I'm celebrating by getting lost in the grocery store while looking for the spice aisle.
A man tells his wife he's not feeling well.
When she comes home from the grocery store, she brings him his favorite soy sauce to cheer him up. He says Oh, I see, Kikkoman when he's down .
While browsing broom section at grocery store with girlfriend...
Me, to older man also browsing: "you think the cheap $4 ones work just as well as the $12 ones?"
Older man, without missing a beat: "I don't know, ask her to take it for a spin."
I know for a fact corporations are trying to put chips in our bodies
Lay's and Ruffles are buy one get one free at the grocery store
Why are some cucumbers individually wrapped with plastic at the grocery store?
Double usage
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mom is driving to the grocery store with her kids
One of her kids say, Mom why did you name me Rose?
The mom says, When you were born and we walked out of the hospital with you a rose landed on your head so I named you Rose.
Another one of her kids ask, Mom why did you name me Leaf?
The mom says, When you were born and we walked out of the hospital with you a leaf landed on your head so I named you Leaf.
Her third kid says, Babsjvdidvosneibey
And she says, Shut up Brick!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was paying for my stuff at the grocery store and a c**... fell out of my wallet.
I was a little embarrassed.
I looked at it, then at the cashier. We both looked down, then back to eachother, then to the corner of the room avoiding eye contact.
I said "Look, I'm really sorry about that. I thought I flushed it."
Grocery store workers must let the customer decide if they want paper or plastic
because baggers can't be choosers.
Hurricane Irma was coming, and my mother was thirsty.
My mother has a glass of port wine with almost
every dinner, and insists that any guests over 21 do the same. A handful of my friends have also come to wait out the storm with us, as they had to evacuate. While at the grocery store stocking up on food, my mother insists on getting more wine for our guests. However, the grocery store was out of her favourite brand. It's okay. She said. Any Port in a storm.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If m**... starts getting sold in a grocery store...
Would it be in the pharmacy or the baking aisle?
I believe i can fly
i believe i can flyyy
got shot by the pizza guyyy
all i wanted was some onion ringggss
from McDonald's or Burgerkinggg
I believe i can soarrrr
mom slapped me in the grocery storeee
Even though im 24 I still got an imaginary dinosoarrrrr
I believe i can falllll I tripped on a bouncey ballll
Thought id post this funny jokes. Even though i got no votes.
A woman had a terrible skin disease
That covered her legs. She went to a dermatologist and he said
"What you have is very rare but easily cured. Take a bath in milk for 3 nights and it will go away."
The woman went home and called the local grocery store and said
"I would like to buy 40 gallons of milk to bathe in."
The man on the phone exclaimed "40 gallons pasturized!?"
She said "heavens no... Just past my waist."
Grocery Shopping
I wrote down some stuff I needed at the grocery store. When I got there, I realized I forgot the note at home. I wandered around the store feeling listless the whole time.
A Lady walks into a Grocery Store..
A lady went into the grocery and asked for fifty gallons of milk. The clerk, amazed, asked her what she was going to do with that much milk. "I have a skin problem and the Doctor prescribed a milk bath". The clerk asked "Pasteurised?" She replied "No just up to my chin"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman decides to call her friend in a foreign language while waiting in line at a grocery store.
When she finishes, a racist American man gets annoyed.
The man says, "You have to speak English in God's forsaken land of America! If you want to speak Spanish, go back to Mexico!"
The woman says, "I was speaking Navajo. If you want to speak English, go back to England."
I saw an entire display of beer fall over onto a small child
at the grocery store today.
Luckily the kid was okay. It was Bud Light.
Three nuns.
Three nuns are at the grocery store shopping. The eggplant they wanted to buy was only available in packs of four. Distressed, the first nun says , what do we do sister? There are three of us, but the package is for four! Don't you worry about that, says the second nun. We'll just cook the fourth eggplant for dinner.
A hearse is traveling up an icy hill when the back doors fly open.
The coffin drops on the street. It slides down the hill, and goes through a house. It keeps going through a school, then a church, then a grocery store, and then through a gas station. It busts through an arcade, and then through an office building. It breaks through the front door of a pharmacy and finally stops at the pharmacy counter, the lid opens, and the man inside sits up. He looks at the pharmacist and asks, "Do you have anything to stop this coffin?"
