The Best 35 Grocery Store Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Grocery Store jokes. There are some grocery store jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these grocery store puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Grocery Store Jokes and Puns

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,

"No, just leave it in the carton! "

P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.

I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars.

"Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For what?"

"To buy groceries," I told him.

"When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me one dollar, just *one dollar*, and I'd go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles of milk, a can of coffee and a box of tea."

He shrugged and paused.

"Times have changed and ya can't do that now," he told me. "Too many fuckin' security cameras."

/u/username goes to the grocery store....

username checks out.

Grocery Store joke, /u/username goes to the grocery store....

A wife sends her programmer husband to the grocery store for a loaf of bread...

On his way out she says "and if they have eggs, get a dozen". The programmer husband returns home with 12 loaves of bread....

A programmer went to a store to pick up some groceries

As he was leaving the house his wife said: "While you are there, buy some milk". He never came back.


"Back in the day," my grandfather started to say,

"you could walk into a grocery store with 2 dollars in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and a bit of butter as well."

"But today," he continued, "wherever you go - there are cameras."

This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he approached the line for the third time he said, "Look, if you don't let me unlock the damn door you're never going to get in there!

Grocery Store joke, This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior ci

Shredded cheese has officially been banned in grocery stores in the US.

Trump will make America grate again.

I quit my career as a professional poker player, and I decided to open a grocery store.

For the first couple weeks, I didn't earn much money. Then, I decided to rearrange the meat and the snacks in my store. I started earning lots of money. I knew that I would succeed when the chips were down and the steaks were high.

Change for a $15 bill

An incompentent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money. At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making $15 bills.

He figures that the only way he's going to get anything from this batch of money, is to find a place where the people aren't too bright and change his phoney money for real cash.

He travels to a small town and walks into a small Mom and Pop grocery store. He goes to the old man behind the counter and asks him, "Do you have change for a $15 bill?"

The old man replies, "I sure do...How would you like that? An eight and a seven or two sixes and a three?"

A programmer and his wife are reviewing their grocery list.

She says, We're out of bread. Please go the grocery store and buy one. And if they've got eggs, get six.

After a while, he's back with six loaves of bread.

The wife asks, Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?

He replies, They had eggs.

You can explore grocery store reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean grocery store dad jokes. There are also grocery store puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A really hot girl was checking me out today.

Then I paid her for the groceries and left the store.

A woman asks her husband, a programmer, to go shopping.

Wife: Dear, please, go to the nearby grocery store to buy some bread. Also, if they have eggs, buy 6.
Husband: O.K., hun.

Twenty minutes later the husband comes back bringing 6 loaves of bread. His wife is flabbergasted.

Wife: Dear, why on earth did you buy 6 loaves of bread?
Husband: They had eggs.

I just got fired from the grocery store for being too violent...

...all I did was put out a sign that said, "take lettuce from top of pile or heads will roll!"

A joke told by an old man.

I was speaking to an old man at the grocery store yesterday when he told me something interesting about the olden days of america.

Old man: Son, back in the day my mother could give me a dollar and I could run to the store and get myself a candy bar and a soda pop, and still have money left over to buy the milk my mom asked me to get.

Me: Sucks you can not do that today!

Oldman: Yeah, I know son! Now a days, there is just way to much security . . .

I think the girl at the grocery store likes me,

she was totally checking me out.

Grocery Store joke, I think the girl at the grocery store likes me,

My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store...

I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up.

A man walks into a grocery store.

Asks for a pound of tomatoes.

The grocer says, "we call them kilos over here."

The man replies "fine, a pound of kilos then."

A programmer's wife sends him to the grocery store...

She says: "I need you to go get a gallon of milk, if they have eggs, get a dozen."

He comes home with 12 gallons of milk and says: "They had eggs."


A programmer

A programmer is going to the grocery store and his wife tells him, "Buy a gallon of milk, and if there are eggs, buy a dozen." So the programmer goes, buys everything, and drives back to his house. Upon arrival, his wife angrily asks him, "Why did you get 13 gallons of milk?" The programmer says, "There were eggs!"

They say you're not supposed to go to the grocery store when you're hungry.

It's been several days now, what should I do?

Whata country..

You might remember comedian Yakov Smirnoff. When he first came to the United States from Russia he was not prepared for the incredible variety of instant products available in American grocery stores.

He says, "On my first shopping trip, I saw powdered milk -- you just add water, and you get milk. Then I saw powdered orange juice -- you just add water, and you get orange juice. And then I saw baby powder, and I thought to my self, "What a country!"

I saw an anti-vaxxers 4 year old son throwing a tantrum at the grocery store yesterday.

You can say he was having a midlife crisis

I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8 am for seniors only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he approached the line for the third time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door you'll never get in there."

What was the snowman doing in the carrot section of the grocery store?

Picking his nose

I saw an anti-vaxxers 4 year old son throwing a tantrum at the grocery store yesterday.

Everything was OK, he was just having a mid-life crisis.

A close call.

Yesterday I was walking on the streets in my hometown Rotterdam, in the Netherlands. I was about to go to the grocery store when I saw a black man running with a TV. I was afraid of it being mine, so I ran home as quick as possible, but luckily mine was still there, polishing my shoes.

One of everything.

A man walks into a grocery store and grabs a shopping cart. He grabs one egg, one tomato, one head of lettuce, one steak, one banana, one apple, and one of everything else in the store.

He walks up to the counter and starts putting his items on the belt. After the cashier gives him a weird look, she says, "You must be single."

He says, "I am. How did you know?"

She says, "Because you're extremely ugly."

A guy goes to the store to buy condoms...

... He walks up to the lady at the register and says: "Give me a pack of condoms, please." The lady says: "Sure, do you need a grocery bag with that?" The guy looks at her and says: "No thank you, this time she isn't that ugly."

Dad joke I came up with at work.

I work at a grocery store produce department. Today there was some misplaced cheese in a cooler. I saw it was sharp provolone. I took it to the deli lady and once she read it I said "be careful, it's sharp."

A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket.

One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.

Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied.

Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."

Covid restrictions...

I'm down with social distancing, but I think my local grocery store has gone too far.

They've put a big X on the floor to show where to stand in line at the register.

I've seen enough Roadrunner cartoons, I'm not falling for that.

Here is a joke from the Soviet Union (also popular in other communist countries before 1989)

A CIA agent is sent on a spy mission to Moscow, Soviet Union. He goes to a grocery store and writes down in his diary "There is no food".

He then goes to a clothes shop and puts down in the diary "there are no shoes".

He goes out of the shop and a KGB agent waits for him outside. "You know, 10 years ago we would have shot you for that."

The CIA agent writes in his diary "There are no bullets".

They said a mask was enough to go to the grocery store.

They lied. Everyone else had clothes on

A guy goes into a grocery store.

He sees a pile of potatoes, and asks the store keeper:

"What are those?"

"Those are potatoes"

"Can I have a kilo of potatoes individually wrapped?"

The store keeper shakes his head and start wrapping potatoes.

"What are those?"

"Those are plums..."

"Can I have a kilogram of plums all individually wrapped?"

The store keeper cusses under his breath and starts packing plums.

"... and what are those?!

"Those are poppy seeds and they are NOT for sale!"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the grocery store jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working grocery store piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes